02x09 - Chess Nuts
Posted: 05/17/16 02:52
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All right, good women of New York, get ready to meet... (camera clicks) ...your creepy Uncle Oscar.
(camera clicking)
Hey, Oscar.
No, I'm not!
I just came by to borrow Felix's chess set.
What makes you think Felix has a chess set?
(both laughing)
It's for my son Andre.
I've been trying to get him into sports, but the poor little guy can't run, throw, catch, hit.
He even has trouble standing.
They put him in the outfield, he kept falling over.
Yeah, I had the same problem in softball, except it was tequila-related.
(whistling)
Hey, Felix.
You mind if I, uh, borrow your chess set for my son?
Oh, he's given up on athletics?
Good for him.
His teenage years will be free of injury.
And girlfriends.
Well, Oscar, I may have resolved my issues with Norman.
Our doorman?
You have have a doorman named Norman?
Yes, and he's terrible.
He just stands there, holding the door open for people.
That bastard.
No, that's all he does.
He won't do anything else.
He won't clean the smudges off the glass.
He wears his uniform cap intentionally off-kilter like a rapper singer.
And worst of all...
Please don't bring up that stupid thing you want him to say.
We live in a building called The Royal Arms.
Would it be so hard to send us off with an uplifting "Have a royal day"?
So this morning, he barely grunted at me, and I took matters into my own hands.
Felix, what did you do?
I sent a strongly worded text to building management, including a string of angry emojis.
Including, yes, the guy with steam coming out of his ears.
No, we can't piss Norman off!
He's keeping our secret.
What secret?
The lease is in Gaby's name.
If the building finds out, we'll lose our rent control.
You didn't change the lease after the divorce?
I didn't change my pants after the divorce!
Oscar, why didn't you tell me?
Because I knew you'd give me a lecture on ethics.
Well, that's right because when we lie to others we...
You take the stairs.
How did you?
I'm winded from the elevator ride.
Look at him over there.
Slouching like a teenage pot fiend.
Let me handle this.
Norman!
Oh, hey, Mr. Madison!
Mr. Unger.
Hey, you know how we're always talking about the Knicks, 'cause we're such good friends?
Well, I've got two tickets I'd love to give you, you know, because we're... such good friends.
Oh, thanks, Mr. Madison!
Oh, and, also Mr. Unger has something he'd like to say to you... don't you, Mr. Unger?
Um, yes, Norman, I, um, crossed the line with some emojis that I texted to building management.
That, uh, smiling pile of excrement?
That's not who I am.
Thanks.
That means a lot.
I just wish you told me earlier.
What do you mean?
Well, Mrs. Lacroix from building management called to issue me a formal reprimand.
Oh, yeah, she seems tough but fair.
The thing is I might've accidentally mentioned to her your little lease secret.
Yeah.
She seemed pretty upset.
Said she'd have to raise your rent.
Plus you'll owe money in back rent.
Yep, "tough but fair."
But friends... us... such good.
I'm sorry, Mr. Madison.
You've always been good to me.
Unlike some people.
Well, don't worry.
Some people are gonna get what's coming to them.
Just a reminder, some people have pepper spray.
Hey, Mr. Unger?
You have yourself a royal day.
♪ ♪
I know they're a long shot but put 500 bucks on Boston.
Score more!
Score less!
Run faster!
Come in third!
Hello, Oscar!
No! No!
Yes!
I said third!
What's going on?
Because of stupid Felix, I have to come up with ten grand or I'll lose the apartment, so I'm betting on jai alai.
Quick question.
What's jai alai?
Stupid Felix already paid his half of the back rent and it's not his fault that you haven't saved a penny.
Oscar, why can't you just sell some of your sports memorabilia?
What about that-that baseball signed by the '69 Mets?
The '69 Mets? No way!
That's my favorite team.
And the funniest year.
I'm not giving that up for 11 grand.
I thought you said ten.
It was.
But I lost a grand on the Westminster Dog Show.
Great Dane?
More like mediocre Dane.
Oscar, this is not good.
You know you have a problem with gambling.
No!
You don't have a problem with gambling?
Oh, yeah, big problem.
I was yelling because Britain elected a Labor Party guy, and I had my money on the opposition.
Hey, everybody! You remember Andre.
Felix: Hello, hello.
Aw, hey, little guy.
How's it going?
Good!
Now that I don't have to play softball anymore.
That ball goes really fast.
And it's not that soft.
Hey, thanks for the lesson, Felix.
We tried watching a chess video, but then we fell asleep because we were watching a chess video.
Of course, I'm happy to show him the basics.
But just remember, Andre, everything in moderation.
Chess is a wonderful hobby, but it's only a game.
It's only a game.
Can we sit the whole time?
And will there be snacks?
Yes.
Carrot sticks!
I don't think I'm gonna like chess.
Yes! No!
Punt! Spike!
Sorry!
Ah, it has been 30 years since I surveyed this landscape.
64 squares, 32 pieces, black versus wh... why don't we get started?
So, uh, how do you know so much about chess?
Oh, I dabbled when I was younger.
I was actually nationally ranked.
Really? You never told me that.
If you were so good, why'd you stop?
Oh, you know, when you hit adolescence, a boy's thoughts turn to other things.
Like the cello.
Say, Felix, don't people make money betting on chess?
Yes, some unsavory types meet in the parks to flout the law and sully the integrity of the game.
And you're really good at chess?
Yes, because of my ability to always see five moves ahead.
So the answer to the question you are going to ask me is no.
Well, the question I was about to ask is "Will you not play chess for money?"
So, you know, ha!
Andre, I'm sorry that you have to see this.
Gambling has no part in this noble pursuit.
Oh, he's just glad he doesn't have to go outside and run around.
Can you imagine?
Come on, Felix, help me out here.
You're the reason Norman turned us in.
And if I don't come up with my half of the rent, I'm gonna have to move in with Dani.
That's your backup plan?
You need to backup off that backup plan.
Okay, fine, I'll play.
But just to keep us off of the streets and only until you make your 11,000.
Then we stop.
12... my lumberjack just fell off his log.
Look at us, Clem.
A couple of brothers from Sioux City, Iowa taking a bite out of the Big Apple.
Aren't you laying it on a bit thick?
If we're doing this, we're doing this my way, with dramatic flair and a strong narrative through-line.
Why, lookie!
They's a-playin' chess.
And with fancy pieces.
Not a rock in the bunch.
You want to play?
We play for money... $50.
$50?!
But we were saving that money to go see the Blue Man Group.
Oh, please, Clem?
Pa always said I was good at Bo-ard game.
We play speed chess.
You go first.
Ooh.
Whoa!
You city boys play a lot faster than we do back in Iowa.
You okay there, brother?
Uh, yeah, just a... little bit rusty, that's all.
Checkmate!
(laughs)
Don't make sad face.
Blue Man Group just weirdoes playing drums.
As they say here in New York, what the hell, man?
I'm sorry.
But this gentleman is very, very good.
Maybe he'll let me try again... for $100 this time.
Well, slap my slippers and call me Sally!
I just won my fourth game in a row!
(muttering in Russian)
You did great! They totally bought it!
Uh, that's-that's right.
Our kinfolk totally bought us those Blue Man Group tickets, so we best skedaddle!
Maybe hit some parks along the way.
Mighty fine thinking.
(giggling)
I don't like the way you're looking at that money, Oscar.
What's not to like?
We won back half the money I owe in two days.
Mm-hmm, I've seen you on this gambling roller coaster before.
This is the happy part where you stack up the money in the cute little piles.
The next part is me telling a guy named Vito that you're with Jesus now.
Not a tip! Not a tip!
I'm trying to get Oscar to stop gambling.
It's not gambling if it's a sure thing.
You know what Felix told me?
He was nationally ranked as a kid.
I didn't know that.
Yeah, and considering how much he likes to talk about himself, it's weird that he never brought it up.
Everything about him has been weird lately.
He's distracted.
Talking to himself.
Canceling plans.
We've just been busy playing chess.
It's totally harmless.
Really? This morning, he left a cereal bowl in my sink.
(gasps)
And it was oatmeal.
Unrinsed.
Ooh!
Girl, that dries hard.
Mm-hmm.
Geez, I hope the little guy's okay... to keep making money!
Oh! Another great show.
I get such a rush being on the radio with you, Oscar.
And I love it when you chime in, but you gotta cool it with the "aww" sound whenever I tell a heartwarming story.
I didn't know I did that. I'm... I'm sorry.
No, no, it's all good. You're doing great.
I couldn't do the show without you.
Aww.
That was it, right?
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, I just did it.
Oscar, I think we have a problem.
What's going on?
I was worried about Felix, so I did what any good girlfriend would do.
I snooped around the Internet to find out what he's hiding from me.
He's got a wife and kids somewhere.
I knew it.
That's why he's always cleaning, he's got a dirty conscience.
No.
Oscar mentioned that he was nationally ranked, so I did some digging and...
I found this.
It's a local newscast from 1984.
This is Joyce Copello reporting from the Junior State Chess Championships.
It was supposed to be a board game, but in the end, no one was bored.
It was all smiles as the region's top players, Joshua Norwall and Felix Unger, prepared to do battle.
Oscar: Huh.
Felix still has that tie.
Aww.
I did it again.
JOYCE: Coming off 17 straight victories, Felix began the game with confidence.
But a series of surprise moves left him rattled... until finally, the pressure took its toll.
(grunts)
(yells)
Oscar, look what you've done.
You've unleashed a monster!
Mmm... mm!
You also do that one a lot, too.
(Felix laughs)
Yeah. Nice try.
Oh, queenside countergambit?
Not on my watch.
Oh, wow, was that move a joke?
Are you a comedian?
I didn't know I was playing Don Rickles.
Felix?
Oh, hey. What are you doing here?
We need to talk.
I'm kind of busy right now.
Felix, there are plenty of ways for us to make money.
Oh, I already made your back rent.
Plus a little bit extra.
Felix, I don't care about your money.
Yeah, sweetie, I just want you to come home.
And to stop saying "king takes queen" whenever we... you know.
I can't. I'm in training.
I'm getting back into the world of competitive chess.
Really?
Mm-hmm.
But it's been such a long time.
Yes, I know, but it's all coming back to me.
Just like I imagine riding a bike would be.
But it would help if somebody here could give me a challenge.
Check!
Czechoslovakia!
Anton Chekov.
Check's in the mail.
I got more puns than players!
Felix... stop.
We saw the video of your... meltdown at the chess tournament.
You did?
Plus, we saw this hilarious mash-up of you freaking out to the tune of the "Macarena."
Which was mean and hard to watch the... four times I watched it.
We're just concerned that you might revert back to that.
Well, you needn't worry.
I was under a lot of pressure back then.
But I can handle it now.
I just don't understand.
Why do you want this?
Ever since that tournament, I wondered, what if?
What if I had kept my cool?
What if I had beaten Joshua?
What might my life have become?
I could have been destined for greatness.
I could be a household name like Magnus Carlsen or José Capablanca.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a lot of catching up to do.
Listen, Emily, I've seen him go through a lot of phases... jujitsu, falconry, that stupid monocle...
Maybe this is just something that he has to get out of his system.
Felix: No, you don't get a do-over!
This isn't chess camp!
(sobbing)
Oh, here come the waterworks!
Also, we're gonna need a plan.
(Felix whistling)
Oh. Hello.
Oscar, who's your friend?
He's not here for Oscar.
He's here for you.
Oh, my God.
Is it...
Yes, it is.
Joshua Norwall, your old chess opponent.
Hey, Felix.
Last time I saw you, you were having your little meltdown.
Which I put on YouTube to the tune of the "Macarena."
(Joshua chuckles)
(laughing): That was you?
Yeah.
Shame.
Oscar, Emily, a word?
What is he doing here?
I tracked him down so you could finally finish that game.
Why would I want to do that?
Because you always wondered what would life would be like had you beaten Joshua.
Yeah, maybe this will finally give you some closure.
No. This is ridiculous.
I'm not playing him.
Joshua: I see history is repeating itself.
Are your mom and dad gonna drape your winter coat over your shoulders and escort you to your wood-paneled station wagon?
That's it.
Game on, Josh.
Ua. It's Josh-ua.
Hey, Andre's here for his lesson.
Oh, excellent. Change of plans, Andre.
Today, we're taking a field trip... to the Museum of Whup-Ass.
That sounds like a lot of walking.
The only walking you'll see is me, on sunshine, after I beat this clown.
Oh, he's try trying to get inside my head.
A head he so covets because it's covered in beautiful hair.
Burn!
Ah, the Konikowski Gambit.
Ooh-ooh, predictable as ever.
As is your Sicilian Defense, Josh.
Okay, ua! Josh-ua!
God, I want to bully them so bad right now.
I've never had a stronger urge to give a grown man a wet willy.
Oscar, what if Felix loses?
Hey, have a little faith, will you?
Ah, you fell right into my Blackburn-Schilling Trap.
I'm going to win!
Andre, I'm going to win!
Okay.
Wait a second.
Why would you expose your queen so early in the match?
I don't know.
Dumb mistake, I guess.
Oscar... did you tell him to lose?
What? No.
You're clearly better than this hack.
Then why did you feel the need to pay me?
Oh, oops.
You paid him to throw the game?
Why?
Because I'm worried about you.
We all are.
Well, you needn't be. I know what I'm doing.
Now let's play again, for real this time.
Oh, my pleasure.
But I'm not giving the money back.
I'm going to Space Camp.
Well, I suppose we're out on the street, now that you blew our rent money on this little stunt.
Nope, I already paid the building.
Well, how'd you pay him?
Ua! Oops, sorry, I thought you were gonna say "Josh."
I sold my '69 Mets baseball.
Joshua: Okay, let's go, Unger.
We don't have all...
Ha-ha, ah, '69.
(laughs)
Oscar, you loved that ball.
You know what, Josh... ua?
I don't think I want to play anymore.
Uh... you mean you don't want to lose.
No, I already won.
I think that losing years ago was a blessing.
Because it led me to the life that I have now.
Joshua: Okay.
And what kind of life is that?
The life of a chess has-been?
I don't care about any of that.
Uh, yeah, because you're not the Northeast Regional Speed Chess Co-Champion for three unconsecutive years.
And P.S., the last tournament?
Emceed by Al Roker.
So dreams do come true.
You know what?
I don't think I want to play chess anymore.
Oh, son... you don't want to play sports, you don't want to play chess...
We gotta find something that you're passionate about.
I already found it.
I want to dance.
(funk dance music playing)
Oh! Hey!
Oh, my God!
Yeah, he's amazing, right?
No, I left an unrinsed oatmeal bowl in Emily's sink!
Seriously?
It adds to my mystique.
Oh, afternoon, Mr. Madison.
Unauthorized roommate.
Actually, Norman, we just signed a new lease.
Felix and I are legit tenants.
That's right, we made it legal.
Woman: Oh.
Good for you.
No, not...
Okay, thanks.
And, Norman, now that I'm a full-fledged tenant, I hope that we could open up a dialogue.
Sure. Why not?
And to that end, I have put together a few pointers to help you achieve excellence in doormanry.
"Number one: Put some pep in your step. Be a doorman, not a snore... man."
Oh, my God.
Thanks, Mr. Unger.
Ooh, I also have a list.
Maybe I could share that with building management.
Number one: You stealing flowers from the lobby.
I was removing carnations!
They're a filler flower!
Would you excuse us, please?
Ah, ah...
You have yourself a royal day.
I know, I know, I know.
All right, good women of New York, get ready to meet... (camera clicks) ...your creepy Uncle Oscar.
(camera clicking)
Hey, Oscar.
No, I'm not!
I just came by to borrow Felix's chess set.
What makes you think Felix has a chess set?
(both laughing)
It's for my son Andre.
I've been trying to get him into sports, but the poor little guy can't run, throw, catch, hit.
He even has trouble standing.
They put him in the outfield, he kept falling over.
Yeah, I had the same problem in softball, except it was tequila-related.
(whistling)
Hey, Felix.
You mind if I, uh, borrow your chess set for my son?
Oh, he's given up on athletics?
Good for him.
His teenage years will be free of injury.
And girlfriends.
Well, Oscar, I may have resolved my issues with Norman.
Our doorman?
You have have a doorman named Norman?
Yes, and he's terrible.
He just stands there, holding the door open for people.
That bastard.
No, that's all he does.
He won't do anything else.
He won't clean the smudges off the glass.
He wears his uniform cap intentionally off-kilter like a rapper singer.
And worst of all...
Please don't bring up that stupid thing you want him to say.
We live in a building called The Royal Arms.
Would it be so hard to send us off with an uplifting "Have a royal day"?
So this morning, he barely grunted at me, and I took matters into my own hands.
Felix, what did you do?
I sent a strongly worded text to building management, including a string of angry emojis.
Including, yes, the guy with steam coming out of his ears.
No, we can't piss Norman off!
He's keeping our secret.
What secret?
The lease is in Gaby's name.
If the building finds out, we'll lose our rent control.
You didn't change the lease after the divorce?
I didn't change my pants after the divorce!
Oscar, why didn't you tell me?
Because I knew you'd give me a lecture on ethics.
Well, that's right because when we lie to others we...
You take the stairs.
How did you?
I'm winded from the elevator ride.
Look at him over there.
Slouching like a teenage pot fiend.
Let me handle this.
Norman!
Oh, hey, Mr. Madison!
Mr. Unger.
Hey, you know how we're always talking about the Knicks, 'cause we're such good friends?
Well, I've got two tickets I'd love to give you, you know, because we're... such good friends.
Oh, thanks, Mr. Madison!
Oh, and, also Mr. Unger has something he'd like to say to you... don't you, Mr. Unger?
Um, yes, Norman, I, um, crossed the line with some emojis that I texted to building management.
That, uh, smiling pile of excrement?
That's not who I am.
Thanks.
That means a lot.
I just wish you told me earlier.
What do you mean?
Well, Mrs. Lacroix from building management called to issue me a formal reprimand.
Oh, yeah, she seems tough but fair.
The thing is I might've accidentally mentioned to her your little lease secret.
Yeah.
She seemed pretty upset.
Said she'd have to raise your rent.
Plus you'll owe money in back rent.
Yep, "tough but fair."
But friends... us... such good.
I'm sorry, Mr. Madison.
You've always been good to me.
Unlike some people.
Well, don't worry.
Some people are gonna get what's coming to them.
Just a reminder, some people have pepper spray.
Hey, Mr. Unger?
You have yourself a royal day.
♪ ♪
I know they're a long shot but put 500 bucks on Boston.
Score more!
Score less!
Run faster!
Come in third!
Hello, Oscar!
No! No!
Yes!
I said third!
What's going on?
Because of stupid Felix, I have to come up with ten grand or I'll lose the apartment, so I'm betting on jai alai.
Quick question.
What's jai alai?
Stupid Felix already paid his half of the back rent and it's not his fault that you haven't saved a penny.
Oscar, why can't you just sell some of your sports memorabilia?
What about that-that baseball signed by the '69 Mets?
The '69 Mets? No way!
That's my favorite team.
And the funniest year.
I'm not giving that up for 11 grand.
I thought you said ten.
It was.
But I lost a grand on the Westminster Dog Show.
Great Dane?
More like mediocre Dane.
Oscar, this is not good.
You know you have a problem with gambling.
No!
You don't have a problem with gambling?
Oh, yeah, big problem.
I was yelling because Britain elected a Labor Party guy, and I had my money on the opposition.
Hey, everybody! You remember Andre.
Felix: Hello, hello.
Aw, hey, little guy.
How's it going?
Good!
Now that I don't have to play softball anymore.
That ball goes really fast.
And it's not that soft.
Hey, thanks for the lesson, Felix.
We tried watching a chess video, but then we fell asleep because we were watching a chess video.
Of course, I'm happy to show him the basics.
But just remember, Andre, everything in moderation.
Chess is a wonderful hobby, but it's only a game.
It's only a game.
Can we sit the whole time?
And will there be snacks?
Yes.
Carrot sticks!
I don't think I'm gonna like chess.
Yes! No!
Punt! Spike!
Sorry!
Ah, it has been 30 years since I surveyed this landscape.
64 squares, 32 pieces, black versus wh... why don't we get started?
So, uh, how do you know so much about chess?
Oh, I dabbled when I was younger.
I was actually nationally ranked.
Really? You never told me that.
If you were so good, why'd you stop?
Oh, you know, when you hit adolescence, a boy's thoughts turn to other things.
Like the cello.
Say, Felix, don't people make money betting on chess?
Yes, some unsavory types meet in the parks to flout the law and sully the integrity of the game.
And you're really good at chess?
Yes, because of my ability to always see five moves ahead.
So the answer to the question you are going to ask me is no.
Well, the question I was about to ask is "Will you not play chess for money?"
So, you know, ha!
Andre, I'm sorry that you have to see this.
Gambling has no part in this noble pursuit.
Oh, he's just glad he doesn't have to go outside and run around.
Can you imagine?
Come on, Felix, help me out here.
You're the reason Norman turned us in.
And if I don't come up with my half of the rent, I'm gonna have to move in with Dani.
That's your backup plan?
You need to backup off that backup plan.
Okay, fine, I'll play.
But just to keep us off of the streets and only until you make your 11,000.
Then we stop.
12... my lumberjack just fell off his log.
Look at us, Clem.
A couple of brothers from Sioux City, Iowa taking a bite out of the Big Apple.
Aren't you laying it on a bit thick?
If we're doing this, we're doing this my way, with dramatic flair and a strong narrative through-line.
Why, lookie!
They's a-playin' chess.
And with fancy pieces.
Not a rock in the bunch.
You want to play?
We play for money... $50.
$50?!
But we were saving that money to go see the Blue Man Group.
Oh, please, Clem?
Pa always said I was good at Bo-ard game.
We play speed chess.
You go first.
Ooh.
Whoa!
You city boys play a lot faster than we do back in Iowa.
You okay there, brother?
Uh, yeah, just a... little bit rusty, that's all.
Checkmate!
(laughs)
Don't make sad face.
Blue Man Group just weirdoes playing drums.
As they say here in New York, what the hell, man?
I'm sorry.
But this gentleman is very, very good.
Maybe he'll let me try again... for $100 this time.
Well, slap my slippers and call me Sally!
I just won my fourth game in a row!
(muttering in Russian)
You did great! They totally bought it!
Uh, that's-that's right.
Our kinfolk totally bought us those Blue Man Group tickets, so we best skedaddle!
Maybe hit some parks along the way.
Mighty fine thinking.
(giggling)
I don't like the way you're looking at that money, Oscar.
What's not to like?
We won back half the money I owe in two days.
Mm-hmm, I've seen you on this gambling roller coaster before.
This is the happy part where you stack up the money in the cute little piles.
The next part is me telling a guy named Vito that you're with Jesus now.
Not a tip! Not a tip!
I'm trying to get Oscar to stop gambling.
It's not gambling if it's a sure thing.
You know what Felix told me?
He was nationally ranked as a kid.
I didn't know that.
Yeah, and considering how much he likes to talk about himself, it's weird that he never brought it up.
Everything about him has been weird lately.
He's distracted.
Talking to himself.
Canceling plans.
We've just been busy playing chess.
It's totally harmless.
Really? This morning, he left a cereal bowl in my sink.
(gasps)
And it was oatmeal.
Unrinsed.
Ooh!
Girl, that dries hard.
Mm-hmm.
Geez, I hope the little guy's okay... to keep making money!
Oh! Another great show.
I get such a rush being on the radio with you, Oscar.
And I love it when you chime in, but you gotta cool it with the "aww" sound whenever I tell a heartwarming story.
I didn't know I did that. I'm... I'm sorry.
No, no, it's all good. You're doing great.
I couldn't do the show without you.
Aww.
That was it, right?
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, I just did it.
Oscar, I think we have a problem.
What's going on?
I was worried about Felix, so I did what any good girlfriend would do.
I snooped around the Internet to find out what he's hiding from me.
He's got a wife and kids somewhere.
I knew it.
That's why he's always cleaning, he's got a dirty conscience.
No.
Oscar mentioned that he was nationally ranked, so I did some digging and...
I found this.
It's a local newscast from 1984.
This is Joyce Copello reporting from the Junior State Chess Championships.
It was supposed to be a board game, but in the end, no one was bored.
It was all smiles as the region's top players, Joshua Norwall and Felix Unger, prepared to do battle.
Oscar: Huh.
Felix still has that tie.
Aww.
I did it again.
JOYCE: Coming off 17 straight victories, Felix began the game with confidence.
But a series of surprise moves left him rattled... until finally, the pressure took its toll.
(grunts)
(yells)
Oscar, look what you've done.
You've unleashed a monster!
Mmm... mm!
You also do that one a lot, too.
(Felix laughs)
Yeah. Nice try.
Oh, queenside countergambit?
Not on my watch.
Oh, wow, was that move a joke?
Are you a comedian?
I didn't know I was playing Don Rickles.
Felix?
Oh, hey. What are you doing here?
We need to talk.
I'm kind of busy right now.
Felix, there are plenty of ways for us to make money.
Oh, I already made your back rent.
Plus a little bit extra.
Felix, I don't care about your money.
Yeah, sweetie, I just want you to come home.
And to stop saying "king takes queen" whenever we... you know.
I can't. I'm in training.
I'm getting back into the world of competitive chess.
Really?
Mm-hmm.
But it's been such a long time.
Yes, I know, but it's all coming back to me.
Just like I imagine riding a bike would be.
But it would help if somebody here could give me a challenge.
Check!
Czechoslovakia!
Anton Chekov.
Check's in the mail.
I got more puns than players!
Felix... stop.
We saw the video of your... meltdown at the chess tournament.
You did?
Plus, we saw this hilarious mash-up of you freaking out to the tune of the "Macarena."
Which was mean and hard to watch the... four times I watched it.
We're just concerned that you might revert back to that.
Well, you needn't worry.
I was under a lot of pressure back then.
But I can handle it now.
I just don't understand.
Why do you want this?
Ever since that tournament, I wondered, what if?
What if I had kept my cool?
What if I had beaten Joshua?
What might my life have become?
I could have been destined for greatness.
I could be a household name like Magnus Carlsen or José Capablanca.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a lot of catching up to do.
Listen, Emily, I've seen him go through a lot of phases... jujitsu, falconry, that stupid monocle...
Maybe this is just something that he has to get out of his system.
Felix: No, you don't get a do-over!
This isn't chess camp!
(sobbing)
Oh, here come the waterworks!
Also, we're gonna need a plan.
(Felix whistling)
Oh. Hello.
Oscar, who's your friend?
He's not here for Oscar.
He's here for you.
Oh, my God.
Is it...
Yes, it is.
Joshua Norwall, your old chess opponent.
Hey, Felix.
Last time I saw you, you were having your little meltdown.
Which I put on YouTube to the tune of the "Macarena."
(Joshua chuckles)
(laughing): That was you?
Yeah.
Shame.
Oscar, Emily, a word?
What is he doing here?
I tracked him down so you could finally finish that game.
Why would I want to do that?
Because you always wondered what would life would be like had you beaten Joshua.
Yeah, maybe this will finally give you some closure.
No. This is ridiculous.
I'm not playing him.
Joshua: I see history is repeating itself.
Are your mom and dad gonna drape your winter coat over your shoulders and escort you to your wood-paneled station wagon?
That's it.
Game on, Josh.
Ua. It's Josh-ua.
Hey, Andre's here for his lesson.
Oh, excellent. Change of plans, Andre.
Today, we're taking a field trip... to the Museum of Whup-Ass.
That sounds like a lot of walking.
The only walking you'll see is me, on sunshine, after I beat this clown.
Oh, he's try trying to get inside my head.
A head he so covets because it's covered in beautiful hair.
Burn!
Ah, the Konikowski Gambit.
Ooh-ooh, predictable as ever.
As is your Sicilian Defense, Josh.
Okay, ua! Josh-ua!
God, I want to bully them so bad right now.
I've never had a stronger urge to give a grown man a wet willy.
Oscar, what if Felix loses?
Hey, have a little faith, will you?
Ah, you fell right into my Blackburn-Schilling Trap.
I'm going to win!
Andre, I'm going to win!
Okay.
Wait a second.
Why would you expose your queen so early in the match?
I don't know.
Dumb mistake, I guess.
Oscar... did you tell him to lose?
What? No.
You're clearly better than this hack.
Then why did you feel the need to pay me?
Oh, oops.
You paid him to throw the game?
Why?
Because I'm worried about you.
We all are.
Well, you needn't be. I know what I'm doing.
Now let's play again, for real this time.
Oh, my pleasure.
But I'm not giving the money back.
I'm going to Space Camp.
Well, I suppose we're out on the street, now that you blew our rent money on this little stunt.
Nope, I already paid the building.
Well, how'd you pay him?
Ua! Oops, sorry, I thought you were gonna say "Josh."
I sold my '69 Mets baseball.
Joshua: Okay, let's go, Unger.
We don't have all...
Ha-ha, ah, '69.
(laughs)
Oscar, you loved that ball.
You know what, Josh... ua?
I don't think I want to play anymore.
Uh... you mean you don't want to lose.
No, I already won.
I think that losing years ago was a blessing.
Because it led me to the life that I have now.
Joshua: Okay.
And what kind of life is that?
The life of a chess has-been?
I don't care about any of that.
Uh, yeah, because you're not the Northeast Regional Speed Chess Co-Champion for three unconsecutive years.
And P.S., the last tournament?
Emceed by Al Roker.
So dreams do come true.
You know what?
I don't think I want to play chess anymore.
Oh, son... you don't want to play sports, you don't want to play chess...
We gotta find something that you're passionate about.
I already found it.
I want to dance.
(funk dance music playing)
Oh! Hey!
Oh, my God!
Yeah, he's amazing, right?
No, I left an unrinsed oatmeal bowl in Emily's sink!
Seriously?
It adds to my mystique.
Oh, afternoon, Mr. Madison.
Unauthorized roommate.
Actually, Norman, we just signed a new lease.
Felix and I are legit tenants.
That's right, we made it legal.
Woman: Oh.
Good for you.
No, not...
Okay, thanks.
And, Norman, now that I'm a full-fledged tenant, I hope that we could open up a dialogue.
Sure. Why not?
And to that end, I have put together a few pointers to help you achieve excellence in doormanry.
"Number one: Put some pep in your step. Be a doorman, not a snore... man."
Oh, my God.
Thanks, Mr. Unger.
Ooh, I also have a list.
Maybe I could share that with building management.
Number one: You stealing flowers from the lobby.
I was removing carnations!
They're a filler flower!
Would you excuse us, please?
Ah, ah...
You have yourself a royal day.
I know, I know, I know.