03x10 - Just Christmas, Baby

[bunniefuu]

Dre: The Johnson family loves Christmas. And for us, Christmas kicks off the moment Bow starts washing dishes after Thanksgiving. From that moment on, it's a countdown to our favorite holiday of the year when a joyous and inclusive spirit runs through the house. This year is extra special because of the pleasant surprise of my aged wife's fertility. And to top it off, my favorite person/international pop star was coming to stay with us with the baby she'd wished for for so long. And my least favorite person/ international mooch was leaving, but not fast enough.

Hey. That's my... That's my...

Okay. All right.

But there was something bittersweet about this holiday, too. My firstborn, Zoey, is a senior in high school, and she's about to leave the nest.

Dad, you're gazing at me again.

Please don't go to college!

Hey, what's happening, girl?

I like your new room.

Hey, what are you watching? "TRL"?

Dad, don't. The friend thing... it's weird.

Yeah, I felt that. Okay, look.

This is your last Christmas before you go to college, and I want to spend some quality time with you.

I was hoping we could make some memories, do the greatest hits... perfect tree, cocoa, matching PJs.

We've never done matching PJs.

This is our last chance.

It'll get weird soon.

Hold on, Dad.

If you wanted to do Christmas stuff, just tell me that.

I love Christmas. Let's hang.

[Exhales sharply]

[Voice breaking] We're gonna hang?

Thank you.

Should I look away while you get yourself together?

Yes, please! Please look away!

Okay, looking away.

I don't want you to remember me like this!

Tell me when you're done.

♪ ♪

[Sighs] Nope.

Nope.

Ooh, I think this is for us.

[Gasps]

Ooh, I bet it's a trampoline.

Without looking at it, it is not.

What are you two doing?

Laundry.

You don't need to lie to him. He has no power.

Well, a certain elf watching from a distance does.

And he will be very interested in letting Santa know about these violations.

Well, the elf isn't in this room.

So by his law, none of this ever happened, so nobody saw nothing.

You won't get away with this.

You think that magical cross-legged sentry is a joke?

I only see one joke in here.

It's me, isn't it?

It's always you.

[Sighs]

Rainbow: Aww. Aren't you the cutest?

[Laughs] Oh, my goodness.

[Baby voice] You're so cute, I just want to put your foot in my mouth.

I'm gonna do it. Ahhh!

No, uh, whoa, whoa, whoa.

She's touching...

C-Can... Can you, um, not put my baby's feet into the dirtiest part of your body?

[Normal voice] Oh.

Uh, maybe we just play pretend, like air bites, like, nyah-yah-yah.

Nyah-yah-yah.

Yeah.

Okay. It's just as fun.

Is it?

Yeah!

It's even more fun because then my baby can still live.

Oh! Okay.

Look at all the padding around the baby's head.

Looks like he's about to blast off into outer space.

We didn't even have a car seat for Dre. - What?

He just rode shotgun and held my cigarettes for me. - [Laughs]

I've got the burns and the asthma to prove it.

[Laughs] Ain't nobody wheeze like my baby.

[Dre and Ruby laugh]

[Beeping]

What is that?

Oh, it's a sleep monitor.

It lets us know if the baby isn't breathing or if his heart stops or if somebody tries to snatch him.

Ah. It's a little glitchy, though, so seven, eight times a day, we think our baby d*ed.

Other than that, it's awesome.

Wow. I forgot how silly new parents are.

[Laughter]

Silly or not, this baby has not cried once.

Rainbow: Well, of course you haven't cried.

With all the beeping and the blinking and the padding and the heating, you don't have any time for your own little thoughts, do you, sweetheart?

Well, we need to tell Auntie Bow Bow that Mommy has read all the blogs and knows exactly what babies need.

Maybe Auntie Bow Bow is a little out of touch touch.

Oh.

Oh, come on, Ruby.

Baby can't even talk, and they think he can clearly track a passive-aggressive conversation like a divorce arbitrator.

You know, I miss Gene.

Oh, yeah. Gene was good.

Dre: All right, here we go.

Heading to the garage to find our Christmas ornaments.

2016, Zoey and Dre!

Okay, I'm gonna switch to slo-mo.

All right. Ugh!

I can't switch to slow-mo while I'm filming, so you're gonna have to fake it.

Okay? Go!

[Slo-mo] This is the best Christmas ever.

[Chuckles]

[Slo-mo] You guys filming?

Damn it, Junior! Delete.

I'm trying to spend some time with my child.

Okay, then. I'll be fast.

I'd like to bring up the twins' behavior of late.

They are making a mockery of the elf!

They're running amok!

Do you even know what they had for breakfast?

Don't listen to him!

We had a bowl of cereal and fresh fruit.

Uh, next to two slices of toast, and a glass of OJ to wash it all down.

All down.

Lies!

They're just describing a balanced breakfast they saw on television!

You know what they really had? Junior.

That cake you hid in the vegetable crisper.

Hold on.

My shame cake?

Torched it.

Ah.

[Whimpers]

Get out of my sight.

And if you even look at my sadness cookies...

You fix this, Junior. You fix this now.

I swear to God.

You better not let them two ruin Zoey's Christmas.

You mean all of our Christmases, ri...

You heard what I said.

♪ ♪

How long do I need to keep my finger here?

What does it matter, Earl?

Your drinking hand's still free.

Yeah, well, when you're right, you're right.

♪ And the bells were ringing out for Christmas Day ♪

What the hell is this?

Earl, why is this happening?

I don't know, but it's making me want to b*at somebody up.

Knock, knock.

Isn't this great? Huh?

I'm giving you guys a sample of the CD I made so I could exchange gifts without participating in the Christmas industrial complex.

Why are you connected to my Sonos?

Aren't you supposed to be leaving?

Yeah, yeah. I'll give you a ride.

Oh, no, no. My flight's not until later.

Here. Have a CD. This is track four.

It's an Irish dystopian vision of Christmas in a drunk t*nk.

You are also going to love "Do They Know It's Christmas?"

♪ The boys of the NYPD choir ♪

Let me see that.

♪ Were singing "Galway Bay" ♪

Aah!

Now, I'm going to make a real holiday playlist.

[Laughs]

I'm talking about roasted chestnuts, angels singing, little drummer boys.

All of that magnificent [bleep]

♪ ♪

Rainbow: Hey, is everything okay?

Yeah, I'm just preparing his bath.

I've got to hydrate this bath flower and then I got to get that music going and then I have his massage oil that I'm preparing.

Oh, my God. Mm.

And then I'm almost ready to go.

Okay.

You know, Dre and I used to just wash the babies in the kitchen sink.

So the same kitchen sink where you clean raw chicken.

Yeah.

That's the one.

That's interesting.

[Laughs] Uh-huh.

You know, Gigi, germs are actually really good for a baby's immune system.

I know that 'cause I've had four children, and I got another one on the way.

And I'm, uh... I'm a doctor, so...

[Both laugh]

Yeah.

Yeah, she likes to say that.

Well, I'm... I am, and everybody seems to forget.

[Water splashing]

What are those?

These are temperature beads.

And we just sit, and we wait for 10 minutes until the smile appears.

Okay. [Laughs] What?

Gigi, you can use your elbow, and you just go like this.

And ooh, whoop!

Yep. Bath is ready for the baby.

Should I...?

Yeah.

See?

It's delicate skin, so if it's comfortable for your skin, then it's comfortable for the baby.

Yeah, I still want to wait for the smiley face to come, though.

Okay.

I want to be safe.

Yes, you, uh... That makes sense.

So you wait for the beads to smile.

I got another gadget for you there, though.

You just look right in here, look in there, and you see that you're doing too much.

Touché, boo.

[Both chuckle]

Oh! Found 'em!

Oh!

Sadness cookies.

The man does know his cookies.

100% pure uncut Double Stuf.

Wow.

Eating stolen cookies right in front of Bear on the Chair.

[Dramatic chord plays]

What is that?

Santa's eyes and ears.

What happened to the elf?

You've aged out of his jurisdiction.

You're on Bear on the Chair's turf now.

What are you talking about?

This isn't a thing.

Zach Labich didn't believe, either.

10-year-old punk did whatever he wanted.

He crossed Bear on the Chair, and let's just say that was his last Christmas.

He d*ed?!

He's dead to Santa.

But go ahead. Have another stolen Oreo.

I'm not afraid of that bear.

Am I, Diane?

Um... no.

We are just going to put these away because we are full.

Hmm.

We are just fine.

I am so sorry we are running out on you like this.

Oh, no, it's fine. Please, enjoy yourself.

Get out of here. Go.

You know I got this.

Where you guys going?

Cher was supposed to perform at this charity event, and she pulled out at the last minute, and so they asked me to fill in.

Okay. Who's going to watch the baby?

I am.

Oh.

Are you sure about that, Bow? 'Cause, you know, my mom's here.

Mama! Can you come down here and help...

Shh!

Go. Just go.

And I've got this. I've got it.

You sure? Yeah.

Yes.

And if she doesn't, my mom's here.

Napoleon: Well, look, if he gets fussy, just throw him in the mamaRoo and he'll conk right out.

And if that doesn't work, you just play "Rump Shaker."

I don't know why, but it works.

Guys, I have been a mom for 16 years.

I got this.

And my mom's here.

Thank you guys so much.

I got it.

Okay.

Gigi: You be a good boy.

[Luca cries]

You got this, Bow?

I got this.

[Crying continues]

So, Zoey and I spent the afternoon sorting through all the Christmas ornaments she'd made as a kid.

Oh, this is my favorite one right here.

Santa's Little Zo-Zo.

I just get cuter with age, huh?

I'm not even being conceited.

This is hard proof.

Yeah, I can't believe your mother wanted me to throw all this out.

"Dre, it's a fire hazard. Dre, it has lead in it.

Dre, the babies will choke on this."

How do you even deal with her?

You know, I'm barely hanging on.

[Sighs]

Oh, remember that?

[Laughs] Yeah.

[Luca crying]

Okay.

Hey! The baby's crying!

Is he, Junior?

Why don't you use the fancy egg-shell thing?

Junior, I do not need gadgets to put a baby down.

I am a mother of four, and I have another one on the way, okay?

I'm a doctor, sweetheart.

Okay.

A doctor!

Damn it. I really need to lead with that.

Okay, sweetheart. I'm sorry.

[Nat King Cole's "The Christmas Song" plays]

This.

♪ Chestnuts roasting on an open fire ♪

This is Christmas music.

The birth of our savior inspired the people who wrote classics, like "White Christmas" and "Silver Bells."

They were Jewish.

[Sputters]

Well, all of these songs were written by Jewish composers.

Very musical people.

Also know how to finely slice a meat.

Even Nat King Cole's song?

Especially Nat King Cole's song.

You know what?

[Glass thuds]

I'm gonna make my own Christmas playlist that'll blow both of yours out the water.

Mm. You do that, Earl.

♪ Everybody knows ♪

So... it's just us.

♪ A turkey and some mistletoe ♪

And it appears we're... under the mistletoe.

Uh, I have a cold sore.

♪ Helps to make... ♪

So do I, darling.

So do I.

♪ ♪

Ooh.

Oh!

[Laughs]

I got you in my cross hairs!

Die! Die, you dirty...

[Dramatic chord plays]

Um, I mean, pass away after a long, fulfilling life in your sleep on your own terms.

Yeah. Do you think he bought it?

Just turn and walk away.

♪ ♪

Junior: It's almost too easy.

[Grunts]

Damn.

♪ And this Christmas will be ♪

[Laughs] Yeah.

♪ A very special Christmas ♪

Soul Glo needs to put that on his playlist.

Mm-hmm.

I grew up on songs like this.

Mm-hmm.

Like, uh, "Every Day Will be like a Holiday" or, uh, uh, "All I Want for Christmas is You."

[Laughs]

You did not grow up on a Mariah Carey song from 1994.

Shut up, boy.

You don't know what the hell you talking about.

That song came out in the '50s.

He's right!

Earl and I first made love to that song in 1971.

Didn't we, baby? Remember?

Sure did.

Hey!

You two are crazy.

Mariah Carey wrote that song in 1994.

Well, then, you're telling me that five-octave superstar Mariah Carey is a time traveler.

'Cause I heard that song when I was a child.

Trust me.

If she was a time traveler, she'd go back in time and tighten up that prenup with Nick Cannon.

[Crying]

Okay, come on.

You're... You're in your egg. You had a bottle.

I-I put you in the bath.

I even waited until the pearls smiled.

Okay, are you seriously gonna make me do this?

Okay, okay. Okay, okay. I'll try anything.

♪ All I wanna do is zoom-a-zoom-zoom-zoom ♪
♪ And a poom-poom, just shake ya rump ♪

[Crying stops]

Seriously? "RumpShaker"?

Are you kidding me?

♪ All I wanna do is zoom-a-zoom-zoom... ♪

[Music stops]

[Crying resumes]

Okay, okay. I'll put it back on. I'll put it back on.

♪ All I wanna do is zoom...♪

It's coming back. Here it is.

[Music stops, cellphone rings]

Oh, my God.

[Crying resumes]

Oh, God. Okay.

Okay. Hold on.

Hi. Gigi.

How's it going?

Oh, great! Can you believe it?

Luca actually fell asleep in my arms.

Sounds like he's crying.

Nope, nope.

Uh, it's just, uh, um, a documentary that I-I'm watching about helicopter parenting and how the the kids get so sad that the parents are always calling and checking up on them.

Is everything okay?

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Everything is totally fine.

Everything is fine.

He doesn't even know you're gone.

Okay. Can I at least say goo...

I'll tell him for you! Okay. Bye, girl!

[Sighs]

[Crying continues]

You're a monster.

No. No, I-I-I...

♪ ♪

Zoey: Wow.

I think we put up every single one of my ornaments since kindergarten.

Mm-hmm.

So, should we light this baby up?

Let's do it.

[Claps hands]

Hey, everybody! Come down! We're about to light the tree!

You extinguished that tree's light the moment you cut it down.

And why are you still here?

Hm.

[Gasps] My favorite.

Mm! I mean, why do I need a will?

All I ask is that you're fair and give your siblings whatever it is you don't want.

Okay?

Oh, got to go. Got to go.

[Dramatic chord plays]

You guys ready to see this?

["Rump Shaker" plays on headphones]

Oh, my God. Really?

He is listening to a TED Talk, not "Rump Shaker."

Are you good at anything?

Dre: All right, get your cameras ready for Zoey and Dre's... and no one else's...

Perfect Christmas 2016.

Hurtful.

[Cheers and applause]

[Electricity crackles]

What the...

What is that?

[All screaming]

My baby!

So, so hurtful!

[Smoke detector beeping]

Whoo!

That's the last of it.

I saved the house!

Damn it, Junior! You got it on the chair!

That was the first chair that I bought!

The best chair ever!

Your grandmother held you for the first time in that chair!

You owe your grandmother an apology!

And damn it, you owe us all an apology!

Oh, please, Dre. You did it.

After years of trying, you finally b*rned the house down!

Ruby: What were you thinking?

Popsicle sticks, tissue paper... it's just a pile of kindling.

And any idiot knows you're supposed to check the lights first!

Johan: No, this issue wasn't electric.

That tree was bone dry... a reminder that we cannot tame nature.

Shut up, Johan! It wasn't that big of a deal!

Seems like a pretty big deal.

T-T-To be honest, we're lucky.

No one was injured.

Except the chair that Junior ruined.

Boo, Junior! Boo, Junior!

Come on, everybody! Boo!

No, Dad! Not this time!

You ruined Christmas.

What?

[Laughs]

Rainbow: That's my... Yeah, you tell him, boy.

Mother Nature wins again. [Sighs]

You broke my heart.

Unbelievable.

It's a waste of a perfectly good tree, son.

It's gonna take a while to come back from this one.

[Sighs] My God.

♪

Hi, backup shame cake.

You don't think I ruined Christmas, do you?

[High-pitched] No, Dre.

I don't think you ruined Christmas at all.

I love you.

[Normal voice] I love you, too.

You're my family now.

Do you need a minute to pull yourself together?

No.

[Voice breaking] This is who I am.

I'm sorry I let you take the fall back there.

[Normal voice] I deserved it.

I'm stupid.

I got too caught up in wanting to have one last perfect Christmas.

But instead, I b*rned up all our memories.

Are you kidding me, Dad? Those weren't all our memories.

Besides, this will be the most memorable Christmas we'll ever have.

You almost k*lled us.

I did, didn't I?

And this isn't gonna be our last Christmas together.

Next year will be the baby's first Christmas.

Do you think I'd miss that?

Come on.

Ohhhh.

I'm here, too, Dad.

Bring it in, son.

Bring it on in.

Aw, I love you guys.

Love you, too. Love you, too.

Mm.

I'm so sorry I had to call you.

Bow, your house was on fire with my baby inside of it.

I think you may have legally had to call me.

I know, but [sighs] the charity event and all the kids.

Oh, Bow, stop, stop.

I didn't go.

What? What do you mean? Did it get canceled?

Bow, Kids Town Help USA is not a real charity.

Me and Napoleon got the most expensive hotel room that we could find, and we took a nap.

So you made up a charity event so that you could take a nap?

No, I made up a charity because I am struggling being a mom.

What are you talking about?

Gigi, come on. You're k*lling it.

I mean, you have everything.

You got the mamaRoo and the... the bath pearls that smile and...

I have everything because I am hoping that I will buy something that makes me feel like I know what the heck I'm doing.

Sweetheart, why didn't you just ask if you needed help?

Because when you try this hard to have a baby, you feel like you have no right to complain.

Mm.

Especially to "the" Rainbow Johnson.

Uh, are you talking about this Rainbow Johnson?

Oh, yeah.

Because Gigi, Luca cried the entire time that you were gone.

Oh, no.

Yes.

I was actually a little bit relieved that the house caught fire.

Just saying.

[Chuckles] Yeah, okay.

I'm scared.

I'm scared.

It's been 10 years since I've had a baby in this house.

And I don't know what I'm doing.

You have four amazing kids.

They're fine.

Okay, so, if you don't have this down, what the hell am I supposed to do?

You're the perfect mom.

I hate that expression so much.

What, everybody else gets to have flaws, and moms have to be perfect?

[Chuckles]

Oh, God.

It's been so long. My God.

And I'm older, and kids are...

Babies. Babies are stronger now.

Like weed.

I'm really sorry I was so judgy.

Yeah.

Here is the deal.

Okay.

From now on, we are gonna support each other.

I like that.

Because we are amazing.

Mm!

We should all support each other, but we can't.

[Chuckles] 'Cause you two are failures.

["This Christmas" plays]

[Laughs] Come on with Grandma.

Every day, Gigi. Every day.

♪ Hang all the mistletoe ♪

Things are rarely perfect. Whether you're trying to find the perfect song...

♪ This Christmas ♪
♪ The fireside is blazing bright ♪

...worrying about the perfect behavior...

♪ We're caroling through the night ♪

...missing the perfect flight.

♪ And this Christmas will be ♪

And sometimes, you get scared you're not the perfect parent. Point is, you hardly remember the perfect things.

♪ ♪

[Camera shutter clicks]

But when perfect goes wrong, those are the memories that last forever.

♪ All over the land ♪

[Sighs] Dre. This has got to stop.

This is my insomnia cupcake.

Really, Dre?

Those are my sleepy-time Cheetos because the sugar in my cupcake keeps me up at night.

That's disgusting. What else do you have hidden here, huh?

Nothing.

What else?

Uh, that's soap. And that's floss.

Okay. Okay.

Those are my marshmallows for my morning time s'mores.

And that is it.

Aw, man, you have a problem, dude.

I do not have a problem.

Yes, you do.

I do not have a problem.

[Whispers] She will never find you.