07x15 - Out With Dad

[bunniefuu]

Act One.

Scene One - Frasier's Apartment.
Martin enters the apartment with Eddie. Daphne is on the sofa with
some video tapes. Roz enters from the kitchen with a tray of wine.

Roz: Hey, Martin. Happy Valentine's Day.
Martin: Oh thanks, Roz. So you're with us tonight, huh?
Roz: Yeah, we rented a couple of sad chick movies.
Martin: Oh, it's not like you not to have a date on Valentine's Day.
Roz: Tell me, I usually try for a second seating! [Martin laughs]
Daphne: And you'd think that being engaged, I'd have a guaranteed
date. But no! Donny had to go to Florida, his grandmother.
She'd do anything to come between us.
Martin: Oh, what did she do this time?
Daphne: She d*ed.

Frasier enters in his suit.

Frasier: Good Lord, where is Niles? I don't want to be late for the
opera.
Roz: Are you going out with Niles on Valentine's Day?
Frasier: Well, it's a subscription series, you see. We got these
tickets months ago, we had no idea what day this fell on.
Daphne: [hopeful] So Dr. Crane's not spending tonight with Mel?
Frasier: No, she's going out of town, some sort of medical conference.
[doorbell sounds] You know, actually I'm sorry for Niles,
but I'm rather glad to be having an old-fashioned boy's night
out.

Frasier opens the door to Niles on his cell phone.

Niles: [into phone] I can't wait either, I'll see you in twenty
minutes, Valentine. [kisses into phone and hangs up]
Frasier: That had better be the seat duster in our opera box!
Niles: No, it was Mel. At the last minute she decided to skip her
conference.
Frasier: So, I'll be going to the opera by myself?
Niles: Oh, well here's a thought. If you give Mel your opera ticket
then you won't have to be alone. You can stay here and watch
fun movies with Roz and Daphne. [looks at titles] Ooh, "Dying
Young" - it's a... classic.
Frasier: I am surprised by your gall! At the last moment you not only
bail on me, you expect me to give up my own ticket!
Niles: Please, Frasier, put yourself in my shoes. I have to do
something for Mel. Every restaurant in town's been booked
for weeks. I ran into Archie Wilfong today. He told me he
had to settle for two seats at the counter at "The Salad
Experience!" What would you suggest I do?
Frasier: Bring your own wine and order the Spicy Caesar!
Niles: [st*lks to the door] May your opera box be full of cellophane
crinklers and the stage swarming with standbys.
Frasier: Get out!

Niles leaves, slamming the door.

Frasier: He goes too far!
Roz: [sarcastic] Yeah, some nerve - ditching you to spend
Valentine's Day with his girlfriend.
Martin: Look, Fras, I don't blame you for being a little jealous cause
he's got someone and you don't...
Frasier: I am not jealous, Dad, I'm simply appalled by his rudeness.
I was looking forward to this evening. [pouring himself a
sherry] Nice drink, lovely opera. Then a late supper, perhaps
a beautiful bottle of wine, delightful desert soufflé...
Oh God, I need a woman.
Daphne: Remember my friend Rowena? She's much prettier since her
surgery! You look at her face and you can't even tell where
it used to be.

[N.B. In an earlier draft the line was, “you look at her face and can’t
even tell where the extra one was.”]

Frasier: Thank you, Daphne. But actually, I already have someone in
mind. You see, there's a stunning woman who comes to the
opera on the same nights we do. She has the box right across
from ours. We've flirted a bit from a distance. I have
laughed with her during "Figaro," cried with her during
"Tosca," I even had a dream about her during "Einstein On
The Beach."
Roz: Well, don't just stare at her, make a move!
Frasier: I will, Roz. Tonight's the night. By the finalé I will have
made my overture. Dad, would you please come with me?
Martin: To the opera? What do you need me for?
Frasier: Dad, I can't go with a woman because then she'll think I'm
on a date, and if I go alone she'll think I couldn't get a
date.
Roz: He would look pretty pathetic.
Martin: Oh, geez!
Daphne: Or you could stay home with us and watch sad movies.
Frasier: [reads a title] "Sophie's Choice."
Martin: I'll say it is!

FADE OUT

OUT WITH DAD


Scene Two - Opera Box.
Frasier and Martin are sat in the box.

Martin: Is she here yet?
Frasier: No, not yet. That's her box over there, the empty one.
Martin: Well, I'm not going to sit through a whole opera for some
woman who's not even here.
Frasier: Oh, for God's sake, Dad, give it a chance. You might actually
learn to like it if you’d listen to one.
Martin: Hey, your mother dragged to me a lot of these things when we
were dating and they were all stupid. These stories make no
sense whatsoever.
Frasier: Oh, that is not true!
Martin: Oh, all right, what's this one about?
Frasier: Well, it's about Rigoletto, the hunchbacked jester in the
court of the Duke. He has a daughter, Gilda, who's secretly
living with him. But everyone thinks that she's his mistress.
In this opening scene, Rigoletto mocks the Duke's enemy, who
puts a curse on him.
Martin: A cursed hunchback dating his daughter - well, nothing screwy
so far!
Frasier: He is not dating his daughter! Gilda is being courted by
the Duke, who is disguised as a humble student.
Martin: You see, that's what I mean. The whole thing's so unrealistic.
Everybody's in love, pretending to be somebody they're not.
And they're all swooning and gasping-

Frasier, looking over at the other box, gasps loudly.

Martin: Exactly, who acts that way?
Frasier: Dad, she's here! She's here, and she's not on a date. That
must be her mother.
Martin: [looks and gasps] Wow, you're right, she is a looker all right.
Frasier: All right, don't gawk, don't gawk, she'll notice.
Martin: Well, I thought that was the point. You've got to get her
attention.

Martin begins waving until Frasier stops him.

Frasier: No, Dad, please, don't wave! Just keep your eye on the
stage.
Martin: All right, but I bet you that gets results.

The opera begins and the lights dim. Frasier and Martin applaud.

Frasier: [looks] You're right, Dad, it did.
Martin: [looks and gasps in horror; through a clenched jaw] Oh God,
I wasn't waving at her, I was waving at the daughter!
Frasier: That's not what the mother seems to think. [laughs] I think
she likes you, wave back.
Martin: No, I don't want to.
Frasier: Wave back! You started it, wave back to her.
Martin: Oh, geez! [reluctantly waves back]

FADE TO:

Scene Three - Theatre Lobby.
Martin and Frasier arrive from the box.

Martin: Hunchback's got kind of a nice voice, but the daughter's
kinda screechy!
Frasier: Yes, well, she's no Renata Tebaldi. Gosh, I don't see them,
do you?
Martin: Oh, I bet you the old one's in the ladies room putting on
more w*r paint!

Frasier sees the two women coming towards them.

Frasier: Here they are. Just try to be nice, Dad! If you are rude to
the mother you will ruin my chances with the daughter! [they
come over] Well, we finally meet.
Emily: I feel like we're practically old friends.
Helen: I'm Helen Browning, this is my daughter, Emily.
Frasier: I'm Frasier Crane, this is my father, Martin.

They greet him.

Frasier: Well, can we get you some champagne?
Emily: Oh, we'd love it, thanks.
Martin: Oh well, let me give you a hand.
Frasier: No, no, you know what, Dad, we can manage. Er, why don't you
two stay and have a nice little chat?

Frasier and Emily leave Martin and Helen alone.

Helen: Lovely production, isn't it? I adore Verdi.
Martin: Oh, he's my favorite.
Helen: Though the woman singing Gilda's a bit off.
Martin: She's no Renata Tebaldi.
Helen: You know, if you like Verdi so much, I happen to have a spare
ticket to "Aida" next week.
Martin: Oh, that sounds great, but, er, if it's a week from tonight,
I'm busy, I'm sorry.
Helen: Actually, it's next Thursday.
Martin: Oh, Thursday? Oh, you know there's this thing at my... at my
wine club.
Helen: That's all right, Martin, we just met, I shouldn't have asked.
Martin: No, no, no, Helen, it's got nothing to do with you, it's me.
I'm afraid I've given you the wrong impression of myself.
You see, the truth is, I'm... [thinks]
Helen: Gay.

b*at.

Martin: Uh, right, gay.
Helen: I thought you might be. How many straight men remember Renata
Tebaldi?
Martin: [looks over at Frasier] Not many! [laughs]
Helen: Well, I'm sorry if I was too forward, it's just that
sometimes it's so hard to meet nice men.
Martin: Tell me! [laughs]

Frasier and Emily arrive with the champagne.

Frasier: Here we are, Dad. Actually, good news, Emily has agreed to
join me for a night cap after the opera. Cast her eye over
my African art collection.

The bells sound for act two.

Frasier: Oh, well...
Helen: Very nice meeting you.
Martin: Nice meeting you, too.
Frasier: [to Emily] I'll see you later.

The br*wnings depart for the stairs.

Frasier: So how did it go with Helen? You didn't offend her, did you?
Martin: No, not at all. It turns out I'm not her type.

Meanwhile, Helen and Emily chat.

Emily: Well?
Helen: Opera Queen.
Emily: Oh, sorry.
Helen: Still, you know who he'd be perfect for?
Emily: [excited] Yes! You know, he's here tonight! I'll bring him.

Frasier and Martin walk towards the exit.

Frasier: Right, Dad, we better hurry up. Don't want to miss the
second act.
Martin: Oh, who cares? It'll be just more goofy stuff that never
happens in real life.

Frasier and Martin exit.

[N.B. John Mahoney is, in real life, a big opera buff.]

End of Act One.

Act Two.

Scene One - Frasier's Apartment.
Daphne and Roz are sobbing over a movie on the VCR as Frasier and
Martin enter. Martin leaves to the kitchen.

Daphne: How was the opera?
Frasier: Lovely. Get out! [turns television off]
Roz: Hey, that movie's not over.
Frasier: Too bad, Roz. There's a stunning woman on her way over here,
I don't want her thinking I'm running some sort of maudlin
sorority house. Now, come on, shake a leg.
Roz: [stands] You actually spoke to her, you didn't wimp out?
Frasier: You have never seen me so suave.
Roz: [goes to door] Some Valentine's Day! First my date bails on
me and now I owe Daphne fifty bucks!

She exits, as Daphne exits to her room. Frasier is not amused.
Martin enters holding his beer up.

Martin: [to his beer] Well, hello there. Will you be my "Ballantine"?
Frasier: Dad, will you go get a glass, please?
Martin: Oh, all right. [exits to kitchen]
Frasier: [doorbell sounds] And drink it quickly. The last thing I
need tonight is some third wheel cramping my style.

Frasier opens the door to Emily on the arm of a very English and very
camp Edward.

[N.B. Brian Bedford appeared in "Tales of the City" with Dan Butler.]

Edward: Hello! [laughs]
Frasier: Hello.
Emily: I hope you don't mind. Edward here was at the opera too,
he's my partner.
Frasier: [miffed] Your partner?
Edward: At the gallery. I'm also her uncle.
Frasier: Oh, [laughs] when you said partner, I thought you meant
romantic partner.
Edward: [horse laughs] Hardly!
Frasier: I'm Frasier.
Edward: [enters] Pleasure. What a marvelous view! [goes upstage]
May I?
Frasier: Yes, please.

Edward exits to the balcony.

Emily: Your father, is he dating anyone at the moment?
Frasier: Well, no, but if you're thinking about your mother, I'm
afraid they're not really right for each other.
Emily: [laughs] Yes, I know. I meant Edward.
Frasier: [surprised] Your uncle?
Emily: Yes.
Frasier: ...and my father?
Emily: They're both single, they love opera and they were both
married with kids when they came out of the closet.
Your dad told my mother all about it.
Frasier: Oh, did he?
Emily: Well, she asked him out and he had to be honest with her.

Martin enters and notices Edward, who has just entered from the
balcony.

Martin: Hi, there.
Frasier: Yes, nothing like a little honesty to diffuse an awkward
situation.

Martin notices nothing unusual about Edward. To the contrary, he's
pleased to meet someone his own age.

Martin: Hi there, how are you?
Frasier: [taking Emily's coat] Let me take your coat. Dad, this is
Edward, Emily's uncle, he's her partner in her art gallery.
Er, Edward, this is my father, Martin.
Edward: [shaking hands] Pleased to meet you, Martin.
Martin: Same here, and my friends call me Marty.
Edward: Then Marty it is! I love what you've done with this place,
it's the perfect blend of sleek elegance and [pointedly at
chair] audacious whimsy!
Martin: Oh, you like it, huh? Do you know, Edward's my favorite name.
Edward: Really?
Martin: Yes, I even called my dog Eddie. [calls] Eddie! [Eddie rushes
in] Here he is.
Emily: Oh, a Jack Russell! He loves Jack Russells.
Edward: I have three of them. [to Eddie] All girls.
Martin: Oh, well, we ought to get them together. Who knows, maybe a
little romance'll bloom. [Edward reacts]
Frasier: You know, Dad, maybe we should go fetch our new friends some
drinks.
Emily: I'd love some white wine.
Martin: How about you, Ed?
Edward: Why not a beer?
Martin: Oh, a man after my own heart.

Edward, encouraged, trades a look with Emily.

Reset to: Kitchen
Frasier and Martin enter. Frasier pours a glass of wine while Martin
pours beer into a glass.

Frasier: Boy, you are really something!
Martin: What?
Frasier: You actually told Emily's mother that you were gay.
Martin: Well, you said not to offend her, I thought that was a pretty
good way to get her to cool her jets without hurting her
feelings.
Frasier: Dad, there's something you don't understand. You see, she
told Emily.
Martin: She got a problem with it?
Frasier: Oh no, she's pretty okay with it.
Martin: Oh, I get it, you're worried she'll know I'm straight,
find out I've been lying to her mother.
Frasier: Dad...
Martin: Well, don't worry about it, I'll gay it up a little.

Reset to: Living Room
Martin and Frasier enter the room with the drinks.

Martin: Emily, have I told you I love your hair.
Emily: Thank you, Martin.
Martin: It's di-vine. [sits on couch next to Edward]
Emily: [looks at knickknacks] Frasier, these pieces are wonderful,
you've exquisite taste!
Martin: Oh, he gets that from me. Yes, it was worth all the hours
I dragged him around to the museums and the antiques shops
teaching him about art and, you know... upholstery.
Edward: Were you in the arts?
Martin: Oh, well, actually, Ed-
Frasier: Dad was a cop.
Edward: Really? [nudges him] The, er, uniform and everything? [laughs]
Martin: Yeah, in fact, er, that's what happened to my hip. I took a
b*llet trying to break up a robbery. Yeah, I called for
back-up but it never showed up.
Emily: [sighs in sympathy] Because you were gay.
Martin: [takes her hand] Don't think I didn't wonder about that!

Frasier gives him a look.

Martin: Yes, that was the day I came out. Lying in that alley,
covered with blood, b*llet in my hip and I said, "That's it!
I'm gay, I like myself and I'm not living a lie anymore."
Edward: I had exactly the same experience when I came out.

Edward puts his hand on Martin's knee, to his surprise. Martin’s eyes
bug out as he looks at the hand, then to Frasier, then back to the hand
again. Frasier just smirks at him.

Edward: Not, exactly, perhaps. Yours was a b*llet in the hip. For
me, it was a Lufthansa steward named Gunther.
Emily: [holds Frasier's hand] What did I tell you? I knew they'd
hit it off.
Frasier: [laughs] Yes, I had a feeling myself.
Martin: And you didn't say a word, you scamp! Er, Frasier, why don't
you come help me get some snacks for everybody?
Frasier: All right, if you'll excuse us.

Reset to: Kitchen
Frasier and Martin enter and begin making snacks.

Martin: You didn't tell me this was a set-up!
Frasier: Well, how blind can you be, Dad? He didn't seem gay to you?
Martin: He's English, they all seem gay.
Frasier: Lord!
Martin: Well, we're just going to have to tell him the truth.
Frasier: Oh, what? You found her mother so unattractive you pretended
to be gay?! Dad, Emily is the most fabulous woman I have met
in ages. If you screw this up for me, I will never forgive
you, so just be nice, all right?
Martin: But what if he asks me for a date?
Frasier: I have news for you: You're on a date!

Reset to: Living Room
They enter with the snacks to find Daphne chatting to the pair.

Frasier: Daphne!
Edward: We've just been chatting with your delightful physical
therapist, Marty.
Daphne: Oh, he's a charmer, this one. [Edward laughs modestly; to
Martin] Now, aren't you glad you went to the opera? [to Emily]
I keep telling him he should get out more, meet people. Most
nights he just sits here alone watching the telly.
Emily: [re: Edward] He's the exact same way. He'll watch anything.
Daphne: [re: Martin] With him it's mostly sports. Just give him a
bunch of sweaty men chasing each other around the field and
he...
Frasier: Daphne! [drags her to the kitchen] Where are we keeping the
Camembert these days?
Daphne: [protesting] Same place we always do.
Frasier: [pushes her into kitchen] Get in the kitchen!

Frasier and Daphne exit.

Emily: You were smart to hire a woman for physical therapy. Much
safer than a man. Edward sprained his leg last year.
Edward: All right, Emily.
Emily: I never trusted that man.
Edward: [annoyed] All right, Emily.
Emily: And why you loaned him your boat...
Edward: [angry] All right, Emily!

He chuckles weakly and shrugs at Martin. Then from the kitchen they
hear Daphne laughing herself silly. Frasier enters with the cheese,
pretending he made a joke.

Frasier: Here we are.
Emily: Thank you, Frasier. I would love to see the rest of the
apartment, if it's no trouble.
Frasier: Why, that's no trouble at all.

The two walk to the corridor.

Martin: [worried] Frasier, can I just...
Frasier: Now, Dad, don't worry. I will close the door to your room.
[to Edward] You should see it whenever he gets ready for the
opera - clothes everywhere!

Frasier and Emily exit. Daphne enters, grinning.

Daphne: Well, I'm off to bed.
Martin: Oh, no, no, no, Daph. Daphne, why don't you join us?
Daphne: [trying to contain her laughter] Oh, no, no: Three's a crowd!
[exits in a giggle]

[N.B. Daphne getting a bit of her own back, after Martin left her in
the exact same fix in [2.03], "The Matchmaker."]

Martin sits with Edward.

Edward: So.
Martin: So...
Edward: Our loved ones seem determined to thrust us together.
Martin: Well, don't let them pressure you.

Martin is about to put his arm on the couch but then stops, realizing
it looks like a come-on.

Edward: Congratulations, Marty, on having raised such a splendid son.
I envy you your bond. [Martin gets nervous]
Martin: Do you have kids?
Edward: Just one, George. He's thirty-five and he has consecrated his
life [in horror] to bowling. I join him when I can, but...
Martin: You're not wild about it.
Edward: No. I mean, oh, the shoes! Strange isn't it, the things
we'll do to be close to our children.
Martin: Oh, yeah. I've let Frasier drag me to all kinds of places I
didn't want to go to, just so that I could spend some time
with him. You know, sometimes it's hard to humor your kids
but...
Edward: [puts his arm on the couch] It's what we do, we're fathers.
Martin: Exactly.

Both men are aware that a nice rapport has been established -
for Martin, uncomfortably so.

Edward: Marty, would you be free for dinner sometime?
Martin: Oh, gee, I, er...
Edward: No, it's all right, never mind.
Martin: No, no, no, I'd love to, it's just that...
Edward: No need to explain.
Martin: No, no, really. It's not you, you're a great guy, it's just
that I'm... [obviously contrived] dating someone!
Edward: Marty, you don't have to spare my feelings.
Martin: No, no, really, it's true.

Niles enters with a bottle of wine.

Niles: Hello.
Martin: Darling! [hugs Niles]
Niles: I'm sorry, am I interrupting something?
Martin: Oh, not a thing, honey. Just take off your coat and stay a
while.
Niles: Okay. [does so] I felt bad about that squabble earlier so I
dropped off this little peace offering.
Martin: [takes wine] As if I could stay mad at you. Er, this is my
boyfriend, Niles. Niles, this is Edward, we met at the opera
tonight.
Edward: Delighted.
Niles: [confused] Hello.
Edward: You needn't look so startled. I can assure you, there's
nothing funny going on.
Niles: Oh, good.
Martin: Well, why don't we go put this on ice?

Martin takes his confused son in to the kitchen as Frasier and Emily
arrive chatting.

Frasier: Of course the finest Gilda ever sung was by the great
Mathilde DeCagny. I actually have a recording.
Emily: I'd love to hear it.
Frasier: Where's Dad?
Edward: He's in the kitchen with his boyfriend.

Martin and Niles enter hand in hand.

Frasier: Oh! [confused] Niles, what brings you here?
Martin: Well, it's my place too! [laughs] I can have company if I
want. Emily, this is Niles.
Emily: [coldly] Hello.
Niles: Hi.
Emily: [aside to Frasier] Em, I didn't realize your father was seeing
someone.
Frasier: No, actually, I didn't think he was. Since when were you two
an item?
Martin: Two weeks now. We didn't say anything about it, yet,
because, well... [looks at Niles for an excuse]
Niles: So many reasons.
Edward: You know, it's getting late, Emily.
Emily: Oh yes, we should be going.
Frasier: No, no, please, please, stay for just five more minutes.
I have a very special old port that I'd love for you to
sample.

Frasier goes into the kitchen beckoning Niles. Niles tries to go,
however he is stopped by Martin clinging on to him. Niles whacks his
arm, freeing himself.

Reset to: Kitchen
Niles and Frasier enter. Frasier hurriedly pours three glasses of
port.

Frasier: How can you do this to me?
Niles: This was not my idea!
Frasier: Niles, Emily just kissed me in the bedroom and now she's
leaving. I have never been so embarrassed in my life.
Niles: You're embarrassed?! They think the best I can do is an old
man with a cane!
Frasier: You've got to fix this!
Niles: Oh, and how am I supposed to do that?
Frasier: Well, isn't it obvious? You've got to dump Dad!

Niles and Frasier enter the living room and hand out the ports.

Frasier: Here you are. Really, you must try this. So, Niles,
actually, you missed a splendid evening at the opera.
Niles: Well, maybe I can catch it this weekend with Mel.
Martin: [“jealous”] Oh, and who's Mel?
Niles: [“exploding”] Damn you and your jealous questions, you don't
own me!

Niles walks to get his coat after being given a sign of approval from
Frasier.

Martin: Niles, I was only asking!
Niles: [walks to door] You're always asking, badgering, spying on me!
Well, I won't be suffocated anymore. I'm tired of being your
trophy boy! It's over, you hear me? Over! [haughty sniff]
And I'm keeping the jewelry!

Niles exits, slamming the door behind him.

Frasier: [nearly laughing] Oh, Dad, I'm so sorry.

Martin gives him a look.

Emily: If there's anything we can do...
Martin: No, I'll be all right, I... I guess I always knew it
wouldn't last.
Edward: Marty, the young ones never stay.
Emily: I know what will cheer you up, that "Rigoletto" recording.
Frasier: Oh yes, splendid.
Edward: You know, Emily, I'd love to hear it but that shipment is
arriving bright and early. [stands]
Emily: [disheartened] Oh, right. Frasier, I wish I could stay, but
I'm Edward's ride.

Frasier is disappointed, while Martin looks angry with himself.

Frasier: Yes, what a shame. Well, I guess this is good night, then-
Martin: [stands] No, no, wait a minute. Emily, em, why don't you
just stay here with Frasier and enjoy the music. [gets his
coat] I'll give Edward a ride home.
Frasier: You would do that, Dad?
Martin: Happy Valentine's Day, son.
Frasier: [overjoyed] Thanks, Dad.
Martin: All right, good night.

They all give their farewells as Martin and Edward exit. Frasier
switches on the opera recording and sits on the couch with Emily.

Emily: It was so sweet of your father to do that. He really loves
you, doesn't he?
Frasier: You have no idea.

As she snuggles up to him, a romantic aria begins, and we FADE OUT.

End of Act Two.

Credits:

Daphne is removing a gift card from a large floral arrangement on the
dining room table. Martin compliments her on the flowers, which he
assumes are from Donny, but Daphne smiles and hands Martin the card.

Martin reads it and looks uncomfortable; the flowers are from Edward.
Daphne goes off to the kitchen with a big smile as Martin frowns at
the bouquet. Finally he softens and leans over to sniff the flowers,
then reaches out and plucks one stray flower from the bouquet and
replaces it in a better location. He smiles with satisfaction and
goes off to watch television.