07x04 - Where the Road Goes

[bunniefuu]

Who can say where the roads goes Where the day flows Only time And who can say If your love grows As your heart chose Coach said he should make it in time for the service.

So at least it'll be nice to see him.

Mm-hmm.

- (sniffles) You okay?

- Yeah.

(sighs) This is gonna be hard.

I don't know what I would do if I lost you.

Who can say why your heart sighs As your love flies Only time And who can say Why your heart cries When your love lies?

Only time Truly insane, this whole thing.

Sorry for the holdup.

Ever since I hit my third trimester, I've been having the most intense gas cramps.

Thank you for coming.

Thank you for coming.

Thank you for coming.

(clears throat) It's hard to believe it's been a whole year since Furguson's departure.

As you all know from my many e-mails and a sponsored tweet, I looked at Furguson as Jewish.

So, in the Jewish tradition, we unveil his gravestone on the first anniversary of his passing.

Furgie accomplished a lot in his time on Earth eating, sleeping, walking around, doing that thing with his paw.

You know, where he licked it a whole bunch?

(chuckles) Yeah, he lived a full life.

Schmidt, will you begin the service?

Yit'gadal v'yit'kadash sh'mei raba.

- Amen.

- Amen.

(indistinct conversations) Thank you, Hannah.

Good to see you.

Just want to say I'm so sorry for your loss.

I made a casserole.

Can I have it?

Y-Yeah, that's why I brought it.

Here.

- Mmm.

- You like my shirt?

- It's got cats on it.

- Oh, yeah.

- A lot of cats on there.

- You know how you like bird shirts, this one has this one has cats.

Oh, I actually wear fish shirts now.

I'm trying so hard, man.

You know, I can't believe it's been a year.

I mean, Winston's handled this really well.

Too well.

He hasn't cried once.

He hasn't had the cry yet?

If he doesn't have the cry today, I'm worried he's gonna have a full mental breakdown.

- COACH: Gooby!

Gooby!

Gooby!

- JESS: Hey, Coach.

- So good to see you.

- Good to see you.

I'm gonna need you to change, 'cause I was really specific about the dress code in the invitation.

Could I say hi to everybody first?

- I don't love it, but I'll allow it.

- Hey, guys!

- Player.

Playette!

- Hey.

- Player.

- Hey, Coach.

- Gooby.

- WINSTON: Coach, good to see you, man.

What kind of adult man wouldn't be here to support another adult man a year after his cat d*ed?

Yeah, I thought it was important to have a memorial.

But you can thank Jess for everything looking so amazing.

It was my vision, but she ran with it.

Well, he was a good cat, he would have done the same for me.

Maybe after you're finished with all this, we can go get you a replacement cat to replace, um What's, uh, what's his name?

Um Cat's name is Furguson, you friggin' jackass.

Hey, that was so not under your breath.

- Oh, sorry, I didn't mean for him to hear.

- Anyway, you know, Furguson was the only cat for me.

I'd adopt one of those Peruvian kids for 70 cents a day - before I adopt another cat.

- (laughter) I think there's a world in which you can do both.

Those-those kids need food.

And why rule out another cat?

Furguson's not always gonna seem irreplaceable.

I mean, it's already been a year.

Uh, a year?

Is a year a long time to you?

How long would you wait before you replaced me if I d*ed?

Okay, this seems like a "on the ride home" kind of conversation.

I am not gonna get into this.

'Scuse me, I'm gonna get into this.

Um, Winston, Aly, do you want to help me, um, hand out schedules for the Furguson tributes?

Um, I kind of just want to sit.

Great, let's go.

Uh, this says 3:20 to 3:40.

I got 20 minutes to talk about a cat?

Yeah, didn't you read the e-mail?

We all have 20 minutes to talk cat.

What a bad friend you are, man.

- What a bad friend.

- You know what?

Keep it up, ham-calves.

You called me "ham-calves"?

- What is going on with you two?!

- BOTH: Nothing.

What did I state clearly in the program?

No beefs.

- Thanks.

- Let me ask you a question.

Uh-huh.

- We're at my funeral.

- (groans) "Ka-thunk" goes my coffin.

Shovel dirt, shovel dirt, shovel dirt.

You wipe the schmutz off your pretty black dress, and stopwatch is ticking.

How long do you wait to remarry?

I don't know, three years.

Three years?

Three year Not even a full presidential?

Your new husband would still be finding my bobby pins in couch cushions.

Uh, h-hello?

Uh, h-hello, everyone.

I am Dunston, Winston's coworker, and I have been asked to officiate this memorial.

- (feedback) - Oops.

Yeah, sorry, sorry about that.

Uh, my hands lose all strength sometimes.

I take medication for it, but it makes my mouth dry, and I wanted to be able to speak at today's event.

That's why I didn't take it for the past week.

Also, I ran out.

So I-I guess I'll, uh kick things off.

Uh, "Pick up hand strength medication" Oh, that's the wrong piece of paper.

- Uh - Talk about the cat, man.

The cat, the cat, that's right.

JESS: Would you look at this?

"Furgusson" with two Ss.

The sca-bozos at the bake shop gunked it up again.

I don't know what's with everyone today.

Schmidt won't stop asking me what I'm gonna do when he dies, Dr.

Sam's wearing a ridiculous shirt, and Outside Dave is inside.

The sky is so close, and it's made of wood.

- You know what the real problem is?

- Hmm?

Nick and Coach.

They're at each other about some stupid thing.

I mean, Coach probably said something pejorative about Chicago football's the Bears.

- I don't know.

- Oh, yeah?

In your face.

Are you joking?!

- That's it!

- NICK: Really?

- You want to do this?

- Hey!

NICK AND COACH: Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

Jess, Jess.

Jess, it's actually hurting.

Seriously, ow.

- Ow!

Watch it.

- I didn't even do anything.

- My arm's swolt.

- That just means big.

No, I use it to mean sore.

'Cause "swolt" sounds like it should be about pain.

- It's onomatopoeia.

- (mocking): "It's onomatopoeia.

" - That's not how I said it.

- Shut up.

You shut up.

You looked better a little chunky.

Guys, whatever it is going on between you two needs to end now, so we can go back in there and celebrate the life of a cat, who, by the way, loved you both like sons.

Now, what is it?

Nick, are you mad 'cause Coach said something bad about wolves?

Coach, are you mad 'cause he still thinks that the movie should be called Paul Blop: Mall Cop?

It should be.

It's so close to rhyming perfectly.

They gave up.

Blart is an actual last name.

"Blop" is a sound effect.

I need to get out of this situation before I get very angry.

What is it?

(sighs deeply) I owe him a little money.

Oh, God, I knew it was something stupid like that.

Coach, pay Nick back.

Nick, forgive Coach.

- (chuckles) - Or you know what?

I can pay you back.

How much is it?

$71,000.

Huh?

And even though Ferguson walked on short legs, he stood taller than any man I have ever known.

(cheering and applause) Thank you.

- (feedback) - The hands.

Sorry about that.

Uh, please welcome to the stage our precinct's acappella group, - LAPD So La Ti Do.

- (whoops) (to tune of "Mad World"): All around me Are feline cat faces Warm cat places Whiskered faces

- (chuckles)

- Nothing?

No?

- Hmm?

- Do you remember these?

Growing more hair Growing more hair With ears up top, they can't wear glasses

(laughs) Furguson's baby teeth.

You know, I remember when he lost these all in the same day.

Yeah, got into my taffy stash, he sure did.

Oh, dip, white chocolate raisins!

- ALY: Oh (crunching)

- No spray bottle (spits)

- Those are cat teeth.

- Cat teeth.

- (gags)

- Cat teeth.

- You can tell cat teeth by taste?

- Yup!

- Meow, meow, meow, meow

- Cat world $71,000?

It happened when I got my first huge Pepperwood check.

Coach wanted to open up a gym and-and I wanted to help.

All right, that checks out Only it wasn't a gym, it was a restaurant, "Coach's Jim.

" J-I-M.

It was a Ruth's Chris situation.

They went bankrupt before they even opened.

- My money was gone.

- What?

Coach's Jim?

What kind of cuisine did they serve?

And who's Jim?

And why did Coach own him?

Anyway, I don't need to know all of it.

Let's just, let's just get back to Furguson, okay?

I can't because this feels so good getting that off my chest.

I need to tell you everything.

No, I don't need to know everything.

I know, but I want to.

Here's the thing this is one that's been bogging me down for a very long time.

Sometimes I wear my boxers backwards on purpose because I really like the snugness in the front, but I also really like the ventilation in the back.

That's right, I'm smushed like a fat kid's nose up against the glass of a candy store window.

(coughs) That felt really good to get off my chest.

What else?

What else?

What else?

What else?

What else?

What about this scenario?

What if I d*ed jumping in front of a b*llet with Ruth's name on it?

I know, unthinkable scenario.

But what if?

And what if she's president at the time, then I've saved the president and our daughter.

Double hero.

You know what?

Just pick a number you're comfortable with.

Okay?

A hundred years?

I'd wait a hundred years, okay?

- Not okay.

Not long enough.

- Are you kidding me?

We'd both be dead of natural causes.

Perhaps the correct answer would be for eternity, forever.

I don't need to know all of this.

Let's just get back to Furguson, back to the memorial.

No, Jess, because you don't keep any secrets, so I don't want to keep any.

- Well - Jess, you are always 100% honest.

So it's important that I am, too.

- I mean - No, I want to tell you everything.

I don't want any skeletons on our shoulders.

There's one skeleton for me.

- You have a secret?

- Yeah.

- Jessica Day has a secret.

- Don't make fun.

What, did you eat corn on the cob without the little holders?

It's actually very emotional for me.

(mocking): Oh, it is?

What was your big lie?

Let's hear it.

I k*lled Furguson.

That's why I've spent so much time on this memorial.

One year ago, I k*lled Winston's cat.

(crowd applauds) Uh, next up, we have Nicholas Miller and Jessica Day coming up to read a special Furguson poem.

Nick and I will be performing a series of rhyming couplets about our friend Furguson.

- (applause, whooping) - All right!

(clears throat) Furguson was a good cat, yes, indeed.

Many cat lessons from his life you should heed.

With his proud lion mane and his big fluffy tail I mean, you think you know somebody.

JESS: He ate all his food, even if it was stale.

Struttin' around with his smushed little snout.

He loved playing games and he loved hiding out.

I think I still got teeth in my teeth.

Like the time that he hid in the bag we brought burgers in.

I just can't believe my girlfriend k*lled Furguson.

(crowd gasps) Nick.

What?

Did I say it?

Did I say the bad thing?

I'm sorry, it just kind of came out.

(sniffles) What the man says is true.

A year ago, I k*lled a complicated and beautiful cat named Furguson.

(crowd gasps) I'm so sorry, Winston.

I didn't know how to tell you.

NICK: She's not a bad person.

She just did a bad thing.

Don't try to save me, Nick.

(Jess clears throat) I was catsitting at the loft and I was doing crafts that involved glitter.

There was a glitter sale at Kraftwerk the store, not the German band from the '80s.

And I spilled a bowl of purple, and Furguson took a bite.

And an hour later, Winston came to pick him up.

And the next day, he d*ed.

None of this rhymes.

I did a cat m*rder!

I'm so sorry.

Aw, Jess, come on.

DUNSTON: Let's, uh, keep this thing moving.

Next up, we have, uh uh, Robby.

(applause) Uh Well, I was gonna do an interpretive dance as the red laser dot that Furguson loved so much, but it feels a little inappropriate in the current climate.

Um - I'm so sorry, Winston.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, Jess, calm down.

I talked to a cat psychic, she said he's in a good place.

But then she also said he's with the cat from Sabrina the Teenage Witch, and I know that cat's a puppet.

So I don't know how reliable she is.

I'm just so sorry, and can you ever forgive me?

Jess, Furguson d*ed of a heart att*ck.

- What?

- Yes.

The coroner said nothing about glitter.

Did you say "coroner"?

Yeah, I had a coroner check him out.

It was quite possibly the most bizarre of my small-time abuses of police power.

Oh, please let that be true.

My stomach has been a brick for a year now.

- I had to go on probiotics.

- Jess, it's true.

I was with Furguson when he passed.

We were in the kitchen.

- Go on.

Tell us.

Let it out.

- (sighs) So there I was, in the kitchen toasting a bagel.

Furguson was on the counter, just watching.

You can imagine what a human toasting a bagel must look like to a cat: pretty crazy.

- Really crazy.

- Yeah.

So there he was, just watching me, you know.

And, um And then he got this look on his face.

And then he stepped back a little.

And it was in that moment that I knew something was wrong.

And then he looked away, and, uh And that was it.

He was gone.

I feel like I'm living this moment.

Oh, and then the bagel was burning, so I had to throw that in the trash.

- (chuckles)

- That didn't get him?

What?

Shh.

(quietly): You hear that?

Hear what?

I hear a meow.

- You hear a meow?

- Shh!

Oh, God, he's not gonna cry, he's gonna go insane.

Wait, wait, wait.

I-I'm sorry I'm hearing something.

I hear a cat, and it is in distress.

There is a cat in the building, and it needs me!

Meow!

Thank you.

Please don't look over there.

- (Winston meowing) - No reason to watch a grown man lose his mind.

- Thank you.

- Thanks for having me.

You have a really beautiful home.

WINSTON: Meow!

Meow, meow, meow!

Here, kitty cat.

You're a baby covered in hair This is the voice I used to use to make Furguson come to me.

Honey, are you sure you're hearing a cat?

'Cause, you know, maybe it's just a little

- voice in

- Baby, it's a cat.

Okay?

I know a meow when I hear one.

Guys, can you help us "look for the cat," so I can talk to Winston?

Good call.

Jess and I will check the back office.

Kitty, Kitty, where are you?

Oh, look!

Cat poop.

Uh, it's still warm.

(mouthing) Do you want to take a break from looking

- for a fake cat?

- Yes.

I hid something in here when I used to own the place.

Check this.

Aw, it's still here.

- Ah-ha-ha!

- Ah-ha-ha.

Hey, I'm so sorry I lied about Furguson.

I just I didn't want you to look at me differently.

Can I be honest?

I think it's kind of hot that you kept that as a secret.

- Really?

- Yeah.

Jessica Day, a m*rder*r?

Keeping m*rder a secret?

Am I attracted to murderers?

Well, it turns out I didn't k*ll him, so But if you did, I want you to know that I'd I'd help you bury the body.

You know that, right?

Weirdly, yes, I do.

I do know that.

'Cause it could wake up, and if it did, I would just hit it over the head with a shovel and then just keep burying it in the hot desert sand.

Wait, why are we going all the way out to the desert?

What's wrong with the woods?

Well, only psychos bury stuff in the woods, Jess.

But listen, the reason I didn't tell you I lent Coach money was, I was afraid that one of the reasons we broke up in the past was 'cause I was bad at money,

- and I didn't want to scare you off.

- Nick.

Nothing you could do would scare me off.

We're in this together.

Cat m*rder and all.

Well, there's nothing that you could do that would make me love you any less.

You know you need to fix things with Coach.

Yeah.

Cat!

Where you at?

Okay, you know what?

Here's my new scenario.

(groans)

- I'm in the Merchant Marines

- Stop it.

I only blurted out "three years" because I don't even want to think about you being gone.

I don't know what I would do without you.

I would end up dragging a lawn chair out to your grave on the Fourth of July and lighting a sparkler, and Ruth wouldn't want to come with me because she would say "Mommy, Kevin's having a party, and I don't want to go to the grave again.

" Okay?

So I'm just alone, on a chair, and I miss you.

I don't want you alone at my grave.

That sounds terrible.

I want you to be with your new husband at my grave.

I want you to find someone who's gonna take care of you, who's gonna love you as much as I do.

I just want you.

Well, it's too late for that.

I-I'm dead.

- No.

- It's a waste of time.

I might as well be

- at the bottom of the ocean.

- Stop.

You have to move on.

Uh, hey, Dunston.

- Uh Hey.

- Hey, can you come here for a sec?

- You were great tonight, by the way.

- Oh, thank you.

You did a very good job under difficult circumstances.

Thank you very much.

So I'm gonna die, and I need you to take care of my wife.

Super.

We're fine.

Thank you.

- Okay.

- (laughing): Okay.

Should I join in or just watch?

What exactly are we doing here?

Who wants to begin?

I mean (sighs) I'm not even mad about the money.

I'm just mad that Coach and I never talk anymore.

COACH: What are you talking about, man?

I called and asked you if elephants are basically pigs, and you were like "no," and I was like "cool.

" Yeah, and that was an awesome conversation.

It was also three years ago, man.

We haven't talked since.

I mean, honestly, I'd pay another $70,000 to have my friend back.

I feel like we're close.

Let's bring it home.

I guess I just stopped talking to you 'cause I was embarrassed.

NICK: Embarrassed with me?

You've seen me trip after a shower and rug burn my penis on a towel.

(laughing): Classic Nick.

- It really b*rned.

- It was so scabby.

- NICK: Yeah.

- COACH: It scabbed up like crazy.

- Yes, it did.

- Like a grilled shrimp.

Like grilled jumbo shrimp.

Eh.

I'm gonna pay you back, man.

No matter how long it takes.

I promise.

And to prove it to you, I brought $5,000 as your first installment.

You brought it in cash?

Why is everyone so cavalier about large sums of money?

You just dropped, like, $600.

I can hear him.

Don't worry, cat.

I'm coming to save you.

ALY: Winston, Winston!

Stop it.

Babe.

Babe, sit down, sit down.

Winston.

Baby, I love you, but these meows are in your head.

Okay?

It's because you haven't cried over Furguson yet, and not letting yourself have a good cry has made you a little doy-doy.

You know (strumming lips) It's made you really dumb and stupid, and you're not those things.

Now is the time to let it all out.

Right now, Winston.

You don't have to try to be strong for me.

(crying) Wow, those sinuses swelled up fast.

(screaming) My cat, my cat, my cat.

You know, it didn't hit me at first, and then, by the time that it did, you were already pregnant, and I just wanted to be I wanted to be the rock for this family.

Baby, if there's one thing I know for sure, it's that I'm the rock in this family.

Yeah, but if you're the rock, then what am I?

You're the beautiful flower sprouting out from the rock.

- I like flowers, so - I know you do, buddy.

- WINSTON: Yeah.

- Oh, buddy.

- Hey, buddy.

- Hey, buddy.

- Hey, buddy.

- Hey, buddy.

Oh, I like it when y'all call me "buddy.

" It's nice.

Also, you can stop looking for the cat.

I don't want to blow you guys' minds, but, uh it ain't real.

SCHMIDT: What?

The cat isn't real?

That's a This is all so Shyamalanian.

I guess I just been keeping things bottled up

- a little too tight.

- (cat meowing) Shh.

Okay, I can't even believe I'm saying this,

- but I think I hear a cat.

- Come on, now.

No, I'm serious.

Listen.

(meowing) Well, I did not see that coming.

SCHMIDT: It's coming from the couch.

(meowing)

- (gasps)

- Aw.

(meows) Oh, my God, he's scared.

Man, don't be scared.

- He loves you.

- Yeah, I'm here, okay?

Baby, he's not wearing any tags.

Which means he's a stray.

- Can we?

- Okay, yes, but only if you feed him from one of those bottles like in a zoo documentary, 'cause I like that, that's cute as hell.

(laughs) Hey.

- You found my cat.

- Well Oh, that's the bartender's bar cat.

I'm sorry, but, uh, that cat's gone.

- Give me my cat back.

- JESS: Wait.

Um, what if we were to offer you $5,000 in cash for the cat?

Oh, yeah, then, totally.

That'd be fine.

$5,000.

Curious, what's the lowest amount you would have taken for that cat?

I don't know, maybe, like, uh, 50 bucks?

- $50.

- Yeah.

- That's considerably less than $5,000.

- Oh, yeah.

Here you go.

I think I'm gonna name him NAFTA.

- ALL: Aw!

- I don't like it.

His name's actually Mitzi.

- ALL: NAFTA!

- (laughter)

(cat meows)

WINSTON: Meow!

Meow!