09x19 - Long Time Listener, First Time Bob

[bunniefuu]

I think Dad's still in a bad mood.

LOUISE: What tipped you off? The way his mustache is twitching?

It looks like a weird little dog having a nightmare.

All right, we're going bowling.

Having fun tonight. Right, Bob?

- BOB: Mm-hmm.
- Forgetting our troubles.

Not thinking about that dumb magazine

- and the list we didn't get on.
- (Bob moans)

And she mentioned the list.

"Best Burgers on the Shore"? What a joke.

-Bob, it's just a list. Who cares?
-I do!

-But you always say lists are stupid.
-They are.

Even grocery lists? They remind us to buy pudding.

Dad, if the list is stupid, why do you want to be on it?

Because it would be good for business, Tina.

- Oh, yeah, you're a business.
- But, of course, every restaurant they picked is some new, trendy place.

And they all serve dumb, trendy sweet potato fries.

- Here we go.
- Yeah, Tina, here we do go.

Sweet potato fries are too sweet, and they're stupid, and I hate them.

Mom and her hot son like sweet potato fries.

I-I like them, too.

Have you tried regular fries, anyone?

Because they're delicious, and they have the perfect combination

-of crunch and saltiness, and-and-and... - LINDA: Bob.

- Bob, calm down.
- No, Dad, keep going.

- This is good stuff.
- We know how you feel.

But just for the record, you asked me to order

- pounds of sweet potatoes, right?
-Yes.

And we're gonna add sweet potato fries to the menu, right?

Yes, because apparently, we have to make these trendy fries so the list people will like us.

LINDA: Okay. Hey, look we're here.

Bobby, you like bowling, right?

- (Bob grunts)
- Or is that me? Crap, it's me.

Ugh, do all of the shoes have a used Kleenex in them? Just mine?

-Brag.
-CLEM (over intercom): All right, this is your favorite lane announcer here to let the Belcher family know they're cleared for takeoff on lane three.

Wait a second. I-I recognize that voice.

-Gary Busey?
-CLEM: Watch your toes when you bowl.

Now here's some nasty rock and roll.

Oh, my God. That's Clem Clements.

Clem whoozit?

Clem Clements was the late night disc jockey on WIXU.

I-I used to listen to him when I'd work late in the restaurant, back when we first opened and things were a little touch and go.

- How far we've come.
- Clem had this slogan...

CLEM (over radio): This is Clem Clements coming at you with no plan and no BS.

BOB: He talked a lot. He played, like, whole album sides.

He did the show his way,

- which was inspiring.
- (yells)

Huh. So what's he doing working at a bowling alley?

- Maybe we should ask him.
- I'm gonna do it.

- How-how do I look? - Like a sad man with one bowling shoe on.

And did you do something new with your butt?

Excuse me, Mr. Clements?

Uh, my name's Bob. I-I'm a big fan.

I never thought I'd see you here.

I never thought I'd be here.

Spraying bowling shoes, for God's sake.

But you spray them more than that, right?

- Just wondering.
- So what happened?

Why aren't you on the radio anymore?

Eh, the industry went to crap.

First, they wanted me to play songs that were

- "radio friendly."
- On the radio? (scoffs)

Yep. I refused.

Then they wanted me to give out prizes on the air.

I refused that, too.

But prizes are kind of fun.

Yeah. I never do anything unless there's a prize.

Kids, the kind of listeners that can be bought with a T-shirt and bumper stickers are the kind you don't want.

Oh... (quietly): Stickers.

Anyway, they fired me and switched to a no-DJ format.

- No DJ?
- Yeah, a computer-generated play-list and prerecorded station I.D.'s.

- They call it the 'Tude.
- Ugh.

After that, I got a job offer at a dinky little -watt station.

WOFD. But I've got my pride, so...

- So here you are.
- Here I am.

Look at us, being here.

Well, thanks for assigning a lane to us.

- Which lane was it again?
- You're on lane three.

Oh. Uh, I know on the radio you didn't take requests,

-but could we request lane one? It's...
-No.

That's fine. We'll take any lane.

EDDIE 'TUDE (over radio): You're listening to the 'Tude.

Don't like it? cr*ck open a can of "we don't care."

Ugh, they fired Clem for this?

I thought they were switching to no DJs. Isn't that a DJ?

Yeah. He's a made-up character called Eddie 'Tude.

He has quite the attitude.

Oh, I just got the name.

He's obnoxious, and the music is awful.

But besides that, it's pretty good.

(sighs) So what can I get you?

I'll take a Burger of the Day and, uh, some of those new sweet potato fries.

- Mm.
- Bob...

You like regular fries, right?

Get the regular fries.

My doctor said sweet potato fries are better for you, actually.

Since when do you listen to your doctor?

-What?
-Yogurt's better for you, too, Teddy.

Do you want yogurt fries?

No. I-I like sweet potato fries. What are yogurt fries?

Don't try to serve me yogurt fries.

Sorry, I can't do this, Lin.

Sweet potato fries are officially off the menu.

Okay, okay. Take it easy. It's just fries.

(sighs) You know what? I-I'm gonna call the bowling alley.

I-I want to bring Clem some lunch.

The universe sent him to that bowling alley, and then it sent me to that bowling alley so he could remind me to stick to my g*ns about fries.

Uh, permission to go with Dad to see how his freak-out goes?

All of you, go. Keep your dad calm.

Say things like, "Dad, chill out," and, "Tone it down, old man."

How about "It's all gravy, baby"?

I'll bring him a burger and some regular fries.

Yeah, you do that.

You think I could still get some of those sweet potato fries, Lin?

(whispers): Wait till the scary man leaves.

Mm. Mm. Thanks, Bob.

You know, the station manager used to yell at me for doing the show with my mouth full.

Yeah, but you did it anyway. It was cool and-and gross.

- Like neti pots.
- He's also the guy who fired me and told me nobody wants to listen to a DJ who talks too much and plays whatever he wants.

Well, I want to listen. And I can't be the only one.

I mean, my kids want to listen. Right, kids?

I do. I like this guy's style.

I hope I've b*rned half as many bridges when I'm his age.

I want to listen, too.

(whispers): What's radio again?

Tell this stuff to my station manager.

You know what? I will. I-I'll call the station.

Eh, I don't think you can even reach a real live person anymore.

Then I'll go there. I'll go right now.

Station manager's not there today.

Okay, tomorrow, then? I mean, I'm pretty fired up now, but I could get fired up again tomorrow, probably.

- Sure you could, Dad.
- Ask your doctor if it's safe for you to get fired up two days in a row.

Know what? I'll go with you tomorrow.

Uh, r-really? Uh, great.

I want to see the look on Vance's face when he meets a real live fan.

It'll be like this.

"Turn off that fan!
It's too windy in here!"

So you're just showing up at the radio station?

-Is that the plan?
-Well, yeah, we'll march in there and tell the station manager he made a mistake throwing away something pure and raw for something trendy and not raw.

And we'll get Clem his job back.

Probably not. But we can hope.

- Come on, kids.
- Well, while you do that, I'm gonna be back here pushing pie.

"We sell pie now?" I ask hopefully.

Yeah, we got to do something with all these sweet potatoes.

So many frickin' sweet potatoes, Bob.

I'm sorry. But I'm glad they're pies.

Sweet potatoes like to be pies.

They were born to be dessert.

All right, we get it. Go.

Tell the pies I'll be back.
Wait for me. Wait for me!

Clem, hi.

Hey. Thanks for this, Bob. You're cool.

Oh, my God, Clem Clements just called me cool.

- You heard "cool"?
- I heard "stool."

That's a weird ice cream truck. No judgment.

Ugh. The 'Tude Cruiser.

It used to be for live broadcasts.

Now it's for giving away T-shirts at malls.

Ooh. I mean, grr, T-shirts at malls.

You know, we could just light it on fire and call it a day.

Dad, hear him out.

Uh, maybe we should just stick to the other plan.

Nuh-uh. No plan, no BS.

Right. I mean, our non-plan plan.

Let's, uh, just go inside?

Hey, Mort. You want a slice of sweet potato pie?

Ah, I don't know.
What do you say, Teddy?

- Is it worth the calories?
- It sure looks good.

Mm. (grunting, groaning)

- Huh.
- Teddy?

I'm sorry, Linda. The pie is terrible.

What do you mean, "terrible"?

I think it needs more sugar.

Sugar? I didn't add any sugar.

Sweet potatoes are already sweet. It's in the name.

Huh.

And I was out of cinnamon and a couple other things.

I improvised. Like jazz, but it's a pie.

Let me try.

I think it's... (gagging)

It's not totally...

I'm sorry, it's awful.

So, big deal. You messed up one pie.

Ten. I messed up ten pies.

- Oof. You messed up ten pies?
- (moans)

Hey, on the bright side, maybe that's a record of some sort?

It's got to be, right? Look it up, Mort.

Pretending to look it up, wishing I hadn't come in here today.

VANCE: So, let me get this straight, Clem.

You're rolling into the 'Tude with four randos, three of whom I definitely suspect are children, to tell me that I'm wrong?

- That's right.
- And to take his job back.

Uh, yeah. Uh, we're-we're fans, and, um, we-we like Clem.

- Powerful.
- And you are... ?

Bob. I-I'm Bob.

You couldn't have done this over the phone, Bob?

Well, Clem said no one answers the phone here.

Uh, we answer the phone.

Yes, but there's a difficult-to-navigate menu of automated options.

Going great, Dad. You got this.

- Uh, Vance, I-I know you just met me...
- Yes.

Louise, stop. I know you just met me, and this is, um, weird, but please, hear me out.

Little advice... um, usually, when people say "hear me out... "

(grunts) ... they follow it up with something coherent.

Ow.

- Yeah, fi...
- So, got to go now.

- Wait, I...
- Yeah, talking about you.

(sighs) I didn't rehearse what I was gonna say.

I-I didn't know I was gonna break into song.

- Yeah, that came out of nowhere.
- Huh, look.

That's my old booth.

Wow. There it is.

Underwhelming. But in a great way?

Oh. Are-are we allowed to... ?

Eh, who cares? They don't use it anymore.

Wow, it's just like I imagined it.

There's a microphone and a-a board with knobs.

- Good imagination, Dad.
- PATRICK: Hi, Clem.

(shouts)

I-I thought you said they don't use the booth anymore, Clem.

They don't use the booth.

They use the engineer. That's Patrick.

He was the engineer for my show, and he could've left with me, but he stuck around because he likes "working for money."

Mm. That voice. It really lights up the equalizers.

Nice to hear you again.

What's it like running the board for a fake DJ, Patrick?

Eddie 'Tude may be fake, but he's the number one drive-time DJ in the market.

Successful but imaginary.

- Like Gene's friend Ken.
- True. Hey!

I'll bet you miss being in that chair, huh?

Yep. Lot of memories.

Lot of blood, sweat and farts in that chair.

I'm getting mostly farts.
Oh, wait, there's the sweat.

You must miss this.

Do you want a picture of yourself sitting in the chair,

- or-or is that dumb?
- Huh.

Hey, do... do you think I could sit in the chair?

Uh, yeah, yeah, sure. Knock yourself out.

Really? Great. Louise, get a picture of me leaning in and holding the microphone like I'm about to say something cool.

(chuckles): I am so embarrassed for that microphone right now.

(Clem grunting)

BOB: Um... Clem?

-What-what are you doing? -Just
moving this couch over here.

Seeing how it looks blocking the door.

Can I have that mic for a second?

Oh, my God. You're-you're not...

Sorry for this interruption to your regularly scheduled fraud-cast.

This is Clem Clements, coming at you with no plan and no BS.

Patrick, don't you hit that button.

Folks, open up your ears for some weird.

- You with me, Bob?
- Wha-what is happening?

Patrick, open the door.
Open the door right now.

Patrick, don't. Look at me, Patrick.

- Patrick, look at me.
- Say my name.

- CLEM: Patrick, say my name.
- BOB: Oh, my God,

oh, my God, oh, my God,
oh, my God, oh, my God.

(laughing): Yes!

- We are live, people!
- No. No, no, no, no.

Open the door. I am so serious right now.

Clem, he sounds so serious.

I-I should open the door.

Hey, listeners, that quavery voice you're hearing is my friend Bob.

He's kind of the reason I'm talking to you today.

No, no, no. I... Hi.

You got your offspring here, right, Bob?

- Tell everyone your names, kids.
- Clem, listen.

I'm Gene, the boy with the golden voice.

- And golden ding-dong.
- BOB: Gene!

-CLEM: And you?
-I don't think we should be doing this, but I always wanted to talk on the radio, so...

'Sup? I'm Tina.

And I am a pillar of fire with hammer hands.

You can't see me. You can't tell me I'm not.

Okay, I-I'm opening the door.

Before you do that, Bob, can I have a word?

Patrick, dig up one of our old tracks.

Oh, oh, give us the mic.

Five minutes of fart sounds?

- Sure. Go nuts.
- (blowing raspberry)

Don't open the door.
This is what we wanted.

I got my job back.

This isn't getting your job back.

This is you barricading yourself in this room.

They're very different.

I thought we were a team.

But hey, you do what you got to do.

Me, I'm gonna plug my iPod into that console and put it on shuffle.

And if some of my spoken-word poetry plays, some of my spoken-word poetry plays.

(shuddering)

So, the animal shelter won't take the pies.

Figures. Probably a bunch of snobby poodles.

Oh, what are we gonna do with these things?

I don't know. Mm. I mean, they're really... they're not good pies.

Here, let me try this one.

- Oh, awful! Gross.
- Mm. Ugh.

Pass the whipped cream, please.

- Hold on. Mm. Mm.
- Oh. Mm.

- (both grunting repeatedly)
- Little more.

(door opens, bells jingle)

-Hey, check it out. Bob's on the radio.
-What?

CLEM (on radio): That sound you hear is not the world's longest drum solo.

It's a security guard pounding on the studio door.

BOB (on radio): Yeah, and he's mad.

- W-We could get arrested.
- What? Bob.

GENE: Question... Now can you play the world's longest drum solo?

CLEM: Cuing it up.

- Oh, my God! My babies!
- (drum solo playing)

No one said anything about my new haircut... !

CLEM: Before we blast these tunes to the moon, this might be a good time to check in with my old friend-gineer Patrick.

Used to be just us humans, before the robot radio revolution.

How are the robots treating you, Patrick?

Mm, fair. Not many people work here now.

The company Christmas party is just me and Vance.

It takes all the fun out of Secret Santa.

Excuse me, Clem, where's your slide whistle sound effect, in case a zinger comes to me later?

I would also like to request a record scratch followed by a laser sound.

Normally, I'm not a sound effects guy, but I'll do it this once.

(slide whistle, record scratch, laser, spanking)

(crying baby, sad trombone)

Crying baby into sad trombone?

Are you Mozart?

- (phone ringing)
- Hello?

Patrick, it's Vance. Shut them down right now.

Don't you have a button for that?

- I do have a button.
- Then push it.

Yeah, but if I push the button, they're gonna come in here and also push the button, which would undo my button pushing, and we're just back to where we started.

Damn it, Patrick, you're getting too technical.

We are in deep doo-doo here.

It is code red over at corporate.

- Code red? Uh-oh.
- Yeah. Now, I'd call the cops myself, but corporate said I got to handle this quietly.

And I don't know how to handle this at all.

GENE: You're doing great.

Who is that? Patrick, tell me I'm not on the air.

- My fault. You're on the air.
- Damn it!

But now we're not on the air, so you can say anything you want.

Okay, good. Clem, I don't know how to handle this, and I feel like I'm gonna cry.

Oh, I'm so sorry, we were on the air.

No! They tricked me!

Bob's got his phone off. Oh, God.

Teddy, you brought one of the pies?

I thought maybe it would taste better in the truck.

- (radio tuning)
- LINDA: Oh, where's the station?

Could you, uh, pass the... there's a fork in the glove compartment, glove compartment fork.

BOB (on radio): Clem, I think we can

- sign off now, right?
- There's Bob!

Bob, Bob, get out of there! It's me, Linda!

Listen to your wife. We both love you very much.

Teddy, go, go faster.

BOB: Where are you going with this, Clem?

You're-you're not getting hired back at this station after you h*jacked it.

- "h*jacked" is a strong word.
- Soft-jacked?

- Soft-jacked.
- Guys.

Where I'm going with this is let's have some more fun before they break the door down.

So sit back, we're gonna be here a while,

'cause that's a really serious door, which, by the way, was gonna be the name of The Doors, but it sounded

- too serious.
- First off, love it.

One question... bathroom. Where should I go in this room?

- Oh. Maybe hold it?
- So, that corner?

- Louise, no.
- You got three other options.

Whatever we're doing, let's make a decision. Storm's a-coming.

The little girl goes out, you stay in the hallway.

- Do we have a deal?
- Absolutely.

- Fellas, got to move this along.
- Okay, I'm opening the door now.

- Great. Do it.
- (both grunting)

Oh, boy.

(straining): I thought we had a deal.

(straining): We do have a deal.

- You're trying to get in.
- No, I'm not.

It really seems like you are.

I don't know, maybe he just likes the way that feels.

Yes, exactly. He's right.

- Aha! I was trying to get in.
- I knew it.

- Damn it.
- I'm so sorry, I'm really sorry,

- and I got to go.
- That's it, Clem.

Your little stunt is over, and let me tell you something else...

The 'Tude is a hit, and you're just a moldy oldie who does things weird.

-Geez.
-Ouch. -Yikes.

I'll see you at the bowling alley, tomorrow, for my son's birthday party.
You know we're coming, right?

I-I think we confirmed?

LOUISE: I haven't found the bathroom, but I found a bunch of paper cups.

Ah... Not a good aim. We should go.

Clem, he-he didn't mean what he said.

I mean, he did. I don't know why I started that way.

He's right, though. I guess I'll, uh... I'll see you around.

Kids, I forgot your names, but bye.

- Bye, radio man.
- Clem, wait!

- Th-Th-The 'Tude
Cruiser. - Yeah?

-You said you can broadcast from there.
-Yeah?

Well, what if we borrowed it? Wh-Where are the keys?

- I have keys.
- Patrick?

You quit in support of Clem?

You could say that, but really, I got fired.

Oh, sorry, buddy.

I was gonna quit anyway, in ten years.

I like your idea, Bob.
Want to go for a ride?

Ready to roll, everybody?

- Yes, yes, yes!
- Yeah!

Let's do this. Oh, wait, that's my neighbor's key.

I'm looking after her cat.

- Aw.
- Let's do this.

- CLEM: So, what are we doing?
- BOB: First, we get back on the air, which means we have to park somewhere

- and set up, right, Patrick?
- Exactly.

- CLEM: Then what?
- Uh, then we open the phones and talk to the people.

I bet you got through to a lot of them today.

-And they're gonna want Clem back?
-Uh, yeah.

Uh, you know there are no phones in the 'Tude Cruiser, right?

Crap, really?

But you could hold a cell phone up to the mic.

So, give out my phone number over the radio?

Worried about stalkers?
It's okay, you'll get one.

Where are we gonna park the 'Tude Cruiser?

How about at that restaurant over there?

And I'm not just saying that because we missed lunch. Okay, I am.

Oh, my God. That place is on the list.

"Best Burgers on the Shore."

You carry that around?

Yeah, it's his super cool way of showing how little he cares about it.

Patrick, this thing we're about to do,

- will it be loud?
- Yes.

Loud enough to annoy trendy people trying to eat lunch?

- Probably.
- Then we park there.

I don't get it.

They said Bob and the kids left already, but the car's still here.

Whoa, there's signs of a struggle in there.

Nah, that's how it always looks.

Come on, back in the truck. Is there any pie left?

A little bit that I was gonna save for later, but, uh, yeah, I mean, I guess you can have some.

I see a lot of sweet potato fries.

Don't believe the hype, people!

Save it for the airwaves, big guy.

So I used the restaurant Wi-Fi to access the 'Tude transmitter site and hack the audio encoder.

How'd you do that? I'm hack-curious.

Maybe "hack" is a strong word.
They never set up a password.

- I just logged on.
- And we're back, folks.

Sorry for that rude interruption, or should I say, "'Tude interruption."

Nice!

- They're back on the air.
- Now what?

- Just drive.
- And never look back?

- No, and find Bob.
- We don't even know where he is.

Right, right. Okay, just drive, then.

(cell phone buzzing)

CLEM: The phone lines are really lighting up.

I mean, it's just the one line, but it's vibrating like crazy.

Dad has that thing set to shiatsu.

Put it on my back. Oh, wait, I just got another idea.

- Gene.
- (cell phone beeps)

First caller who isn't Vance at the station.

Vance, stop calling. Stop it. I hate you.

- First caller, you're on.
- ROBO-CALLER: Hello.

The reason for this call is to let you know you're now eligible for interest rates as low as six percent.

Whoa, Dad, congrats.

Does this mean one of us can go to college?

- (cell phone beeps)
- Next caller. You're on the air.

LINDA (echoing): Oh, thank God, I got through!

- (echoing): Linda?
- Bob.

Linda, turn down your radio.

I just want to say...

Whoa, my voice sounds weird.

Turn down the radio, Linda.

(echoing): Oh, we got to turn down the radio.

(echoing stops): Linda, why are you calling?

We're kind of looking for Clem Clements fans right now.

Bob, where are you?

We're at an undisclosed location, but we might be near one of the restaurants on the list.

The list? Oh, Bob, let it go.

Don't worry, Mom. He's handling it really well.

TINA: No, he's not, Mom.

He's shouting at people eating sweet potato fries.

Only that one guy, Tina, and that couple.

- I mean, a couple couples.
- Bob, listen.

Trendy stuff is just trendy. So what?

You care about what you do.

(over speakers): And you're stubborn, and sometimes that means not everyone's gonna like you, but the people who like you really like you.

And that's who you do it for, not some dumb list.

(sighs) Thanks, Linda. Uh, that's nice of you to say.

- Mmm. No sweat, baby.
- Are you... What are you eating?

EDDIE 'TUDE (on radio): T-T-T-T-Tude FM.

Cram this in your sound hole.

Crap, the 'Tude is back.

- Patrick, do your thing.
- I can't.

They locked me out, which is fair.

(sighs) Well, I guess that's it.

(sighs) Sorry I dragged you into this, but it sounds like you're doing all right.

I mean, you've got your loyal customers and your family.

Yeah, but you've got, um, well, you know...

Right, I have, uh...

Free bowling shoes?

Do you have a bow and arrow? That's something.

- (cell phone buzzing)
- No.

Dad, your phone keeps buzzing.

Oh. Hello?

Y-Yeah, he's here.

- Is it for Clem?
- Hello?

CALLER : Hey, Clem Clements?

- Yeah?
- I was listening to you, but then the 'Tude came back, but then you came back, then the 'Tude came back.

Are you gonna come back or what?

I think we're done, buddy.

No, that sucks!

Wait, there's someone else calling. Hello?

CALLER : 'Tude stinks! Bring back Clem!

Oh, there's another call. Hello?

CALLER : Hey, Clem, it's Dan over at WOFD.

We talked a while back.

You know, our offer still stands.

- We love what you did today.
- Whoa, hey, Dan.

I got to say, right now it's nice to be appreciated.

I tell you what, I will work for you if you hire Patrick as my engineer.

That is great news!

The shift we have right now is midnight to : a.m.

-We'll be there.
-Oh, that's when I do my sleeping.

(siren wailing)

Uh, sorry, caller.
Uh, do you guys hear that?

- Uh-oh. - Time to move.
- What should we do?

Push this sucker off the pier?

- Maybe.
- Maybe not.

- Maybe just return it.
- Oh, boo.

♪ Regular fries ♪

♪ Are the best french fries ♪

♪ Regular fries ♪

♪ They're just very good fries ♪

♪ Sweet potato fries ♪

♪ Are overrated ♪

♪ Baby ♪

♪ You've got to have reg... ♪

♪ You've got to have regular fries ♪

♪ Regular fries ♪

♪ They're the best french fries ♪

♪ Regular fries ♪

♪ They're just very, very, very good fries ♪

♪ Sweet potato fries ♪

♪ They're overrated, baby ♪

♪ You've got to have regular... ♪