07x11 - A Few 'Gurt Men

[bunniefuu]

Gene, breakfast. Yum!

Sorry I took so long, but I think you'll agree it was worth the wait.

Ooh, yes.

Why are you wearing your fancy clothes?

Why aren't you wearing yours?

- These are my fancy clothes.
- Mm.

Gene's all dressed up for the school-wide mock trial.

He's the big, tough prosecutor.

Oh, right. Right.

I'm a sharp-dressed, silver-tongued devil.

And he's going up against Louise, the savvy defense lawyer.

It's Belcher against Belcher!

Whoop-Dee-Doo!

We win either way!

It is impressive that our kids got chosen to be the lawyers.

It really is. Also, totally random.

Yep. Literally picked out of a hat.

And we can't forget the most important role of all...

Tina the juror!

With great jury comes great responsibility.

You lucked out, T.

I wish I could sit on the jury and zone out while we do a mock trial of Snow White.

Whoa, do you think the Evil Queen gave Snow White a poison apple?

Yes!

That's for a jury of her peers to decide.

But probably.

It's just so babyish.

I mean, why can't we do a mock trial of a double homicide or something?

Ooh, double homicide. Twice as nice!

WOMAN: Okay, everyone, Judge Conklin is just outside, and he's ready to begin.

He's retired, but today he's going to hear our case and guide us through the process.

- I want to be Snow White.
- _

- Uh, snow way.
- _

Bailiff Zeke, why don't you get us started?

Hear ye, hear ye!

The court of the Honorable Judge Conklin is now in session.

- All rise.
- Honorable?

I haven't been called that since .

Maybe you should call me the "somewhat respectable" Judge Conklin.

(laughing) He's funny!

Ooh, the somewhat wet and messy Judge Conklin.

I had a little accident. Just water, not pee.

(laughs): God, this guy's got no filter.

Be seated!

(sighs) It's gonna be a long day.

- Okay, here we go.
- _

We will first hear from the prosecution.

Your Honor, ladies and gentleman of the jury,here are the facts: the Evil Queen was jealous of my client, the gorgeous, but-a-little-sun-wouldn't- k*ll-her Snow White, and gave her a poison apple, sending her into a sleeping death.

To sum it up, not cool.

So do your thing and return a verdict of guilty.

Okay, counterpoint: she's not guilty.

Thank you.

- Louise?
- Yes ma'am?

If you don't want to participate, then you can just write a thousand-word essay on the legal system, due tomorrow.

What am I supposed to do?

I mean, her first name is "Evil."

- Louise...
- Ugh! Fine.

You know any places that make good food, Bob?

Uh, yeah, Mort, why?

I'm hosting my mom's birthday party, and I need a caterer.

Oh, okay. So... us? Bob's Burgers?

Oh, God no!

Geez, Mort. Yeah, what the hell?

If I was having a funeral,

I'd get my dead bodies from your place.

No, no, no, no, don't get me wrong, it's not you.

It's just that my mom's picky.

If it doesn't have a shrimp on it, she won't eat it.

Uh, I love your food, too... Sorry to interrupt...

But I found something in it that I don't love... this.

Oh, God! Can we make you another one?

Yeah, I'm not sure I could eat another burger.

I'll take it.

Look, we're really sorry about this.

Let us um... let us comp your meal.

No, no. Are you sure?

Yes. We insist.

Well, in that case, thank you.

Have a great day!

Huh. This is a brown hair. That's weird.

Makes me wonder how much hair I've eaten here over the years.

Probably a whole mullet's worth.

- (gags)
- Worth it.

So, you're a charming prince, huh?

- Yes, I am.
- _

And what kind of charmer goes around kissing dead girls?

I was trying to revive her with my true-love kiss.

Get off my back!

How many corpses did you kiss before you found your Snow White, Romeo?

- None.
- How many?!

- One.
- How many?!

- Four!
- How many?!

I don't know!

Why don't you think?!

Ms. Jacobson, help!

Order! Order!

Are you going somewhere with this, Counselor?

No, not really, I just wanted to upset the witness, Your Honor.

- Looks like you did it.
- I did it, yeah.

If there are no further questions, it's time for the jury to deliberate.

All right, then, I guess I ask for a mistrial.

It's impossible for my client, the Evil Queen, to get a fair trial here because everyone knows the story of Snow White.

Huh. No one has ever asked for a mistrial.

So you'll grant me one?

No. The jury seems impartial and capable.

And mysterious, with a hint of glamor.

Jury, how do you find the defendant?

The impartial, capable, mysterious and glamorous jury rules in favor of the prosecution.

We find the Evil Queen guilty.

- Shocking.
- Sweet Lady Justice!

MR. FROND: No, I didn't!

- Yes, you did!
- I-I did not!

What is going on?

Mr. Frond stole my yogurt!

Look! This is his trash can.

Gasp! Right?

I did not eat that yogurt.

It's a crime of passion fruit!

Sounds like you need a lawyer.

Hey, let's try this in student court!

We've already got a judge.

Oh, I mean, we were gonna try the Three Little Pigs tomorrow.

I'm fine taking this to student court.

Let the whole school see that Mr. Frond is a dirty yogurt thief!

I am not a thief!

I'd be happy to take this to student court.

Well, I'd preside over this case.

Maybe the fairy tale trials are

- too predictable.
- You think?

Let's see what they can do with a real case.

Well, if everyone's on board, I guess we can try this one tomorrow.

We won't need re-enactors, so Jimmy Jr., Tammy and Jocelyn can join the jury.

Jimmy Jr. on the jury?

Jimmy Jury... I know who I want to get sequestered with.

He's my sequestiny.

- What?
- Nothing.

What happens when you find Frond guilty?

Does this school have the death penalty?

How about if the jury finds him guilty, he has to wear a sign all day that says, "I'm a disgusting yogurt thief."

Ha, yes!

And, if he's found innocent, then you have to wear a sign all day that reads, "I'm a filthy liar mouth."

- Perfect!
- Tammy and I will make the signs.

It's gonna be so fun.

Jocelyn, will you please make my sign for me?

- Okay.
- Thank you.

So we'll keep Zeke as the bailiff, Gene, you'll be prosecuting, and, Louise, since you were finally making some progress as a defender, you get to defend Mr. Frond.

- Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no.
- What?

- No, no. (screams)
- Ugh!

♪ ♪

(fart)

Look, I don't like you, and you don't like me, but I guess I'm responsible for your defense.

Yes, that's scary, but I'm sure you'll do everything in your power...

Oh, no, no, no, no.

I was gonna go the other way with it.

All you got to do is cop a plea so we can get out of here.

You'll be home in time to talk to your cats and knit yourself to sleep.

No, no, no, no, no.
No deal, I'm innocent.

Who cares! Just say you did it, buy him a yogurt, and we're done here.

I'm innocent!

Don't hiss at me.

All rise for the somewhat respectable Judge Conklin.

I guess I brought that on myself.

Today, you, the jury, will hear the case of Mr. Ambrose v. Mr. Frond, one of whom will wear the hilarious sign

- we discussed yesterday.
- _

The signs look really good.

- They're fine.
- They look really good.

They're just fine.

(clears throat) I should instruct the jury that until the trial is over, you may not discuss the case.

Whoa. Forbidden conversation.

So, how about this case, huh?

- What?
- I know. We shouldn't.

(whispers): We mustn't.

I-I don't,
I-I can't...

What-what are you saying?

Exactly.

Let's begin with the opening statements.

(southern accent): As far back as I can remember, Mr. Ambrose has been hollerin' on about Mr. Frond stealin' his yogurt.

Why is he talking like that?

Problem was there wasn't no proof!

But now, we have more evidence than an alligator with a full belly next to an empty crawfish bucket.

I don't understand what he's saying.

Can I interrupt here?

The court asks that you use your normal speaking voice.

I mean, personally, I really like it, but it's confusing the jury.

(normal voice): Oh, boo.

Mr. Ambrose's yogurt container was found in Mr. Frond's trash can.

End of story. I'm good at law!

Applause. Applause!

Ladies and gentleman of the jury, maybe he didn't do it.

Huh? Good night.

That's it? That's all you got?!

Oh, we also have a right to a speedy trial, so let's get this going, huh?

Hey, that guy looks familiar.

- Bob, that's Teddy.
- Hi, Bob.

No, out the window. I think that's the guy who found the hair in his burger here yesterday.

Yeah, I think it is.

Hey, Jimmy, did that guy find a hair in his food?

What? Don't yell that across the street!

I'm over here, come on!

That guy was in my place yesterday, Jimmy.

Let me guess, he found a hair on his last bite,

- and you comped his meal?
- Yeah.

- That guy is a scammer.
- What a jerk!

Lin, who is watching the restaurant?

- Mort and Teddy.
- (sighs)

I can't believe that guy was scamming.

He seemed nice... we were jib-jabbing about his job.

Don't say jib-jabbing.

Wait, where does he work?

He's, like, a celebrity impersonator.

Like, you rent him for parties.

He gave me a free taste of his Pacino.

It was eye-opening.

Well, maybe we can track him down.

Oh, you want to get back at him, huh?

- Yeah.
- Shave his head, cook his hair and feed it to him?

N-No...

Replace all the shoes in his house with shoes one size smaller.

We Amélie the guy.

Teddy, is there anyone in the restaurant?

Mort. Oh, nope. There he is.

Something's burning!

- That's where you ate the yogurt,
- _

but it wasn't yo gurt, was it?!

- No!
- Aha! You admit you ate it!

No, I'm saying it wasn't my 'gurt, and I didn't eat it.

Yes, you did. No further questions. Gotcha!

So you walked from here to there.

When, exactly, did you eat the yogurt?

I didn't eat the yogurt!

I'm satisfied.

Uh (clears throat) Louise?

I hate to be that guy, but you have an obligation to provide this man with a defense.

Working with what I got, Your Honor.

Let's get this party started.

I call to the stand Ms. Selbo!

Hey, Jimmy Junior, do you think he's gonna lead this witness or what?

Stop it, Tina, you're gonna get us in trouble.

Guilty as charged.

So, Ms. Selbo, you are a receptionista?

I'm the school receptionist, yes.

And a person in your position must see and hear a lot of things.

Sitting at the front desk, watching the race of mankind go by?

Yes, but I'm very discreet.

What do you know about Misters Ambrose and Frond?

Where to begin?

Mr. Frond gets a call from his mother at least once a day.

Oh, there's a surprise.

And Mr. Ambrose uses the computer room after hours to work on his sequel to Mrs. Doubtfire...

"Mrs. Doubtwater."

It's a prequel, you ass!

Okay, everyone, okay, I think it's best we just keep this focused on the yogurt case for now.

Ms. Selbo, do you have any 'gurt-related gossip?

Any hot 'gurt goss?

Well, Mr. Ambrose is always leaving his yogurt spoons lying around.

Wait, what do you mean he leaves them lying around?

These yogurts have a plastic spoon in the lid, for the yogurt eater on the go.

Yeah, or a yogurt thief on the go, like Mr. Frond!

Look at the yogurt container!

The spoon is still in the lid!

- How did I eat it?
- Hmm.

Probably with your tongue, like a dirty frog!

Impossible... I have a tiny tongue, see?!

Ew, put that away!

- So this is the Internet.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Scroll back up. There he is!

LINDA: Bingo! We got you, buddy.

Austin Powers, Mario or Luigi?

Hey! Borat! Let's get that one!

This isn't supposed to be fun, Teddy.

- Why not?
- 'Cause we're getting revenge.

We're gonna do to him what he did to us, make him work and then not pay.

Ooh, he's available tomorrow.

Wait, what are we just gonna book him?

I mean, he'd recognize us.

He isn't gonna recognize my mother.

Which is why we're gonna book him for her birthday party.

So Mort, are you sure this won't ruin her party?

Are you kidding? This is her kind of thing.

She loves revenge.

Revenge and shrimp.

Look, it's no use.

That spoon thing went nowhere.

So time to cop a plea, okay?

But I didn't do it.

Falsely accused, huh?

I've been there. All the time.

By you.

All the time? Really?

Well, some of the times. Yeah, really, Mr. Frond.

Well, if I ever did falsely accuse you of anything, I'm sorry.

'Cause this feels really horrible.

Pfft. Well, just save the drama for the phone call from your mama, okay?

- We're gonna go for the plea deal.
- Okay.

Come on, it's our only chance to... wait, what?

If you're not gonna defend me, we should just get this over with.

Okay, great.

Your Honor, my client, um...

- Mm-hmm.
- My client would like to...

- Yes?
- Sorry, just a moment.

- So you're really innocent?
- Yes.

But really, really innocent?

Yes, that's what I've been telling you. Yes.

Crap. All right.

Your Honor, my client would like to say that he's innocent, and we're going to keep fighting to prove it, as long as it takes.

I thought you wanted to get this over with.

Yeah, I did, but everyone deserves a fair trial.

Even a broken down, chewed-up, spit-out guidance counselor like Mr. Frond.

That's the nicest thing you've ever said about me.

Objection! Gross!

So how's the jury going Tina?

We're not supposed to talk about it.

But it's all Jimmy Junior and I can do.

It's intense.

We should've had this thing wrapped up today, but I guess Louise wants to lose tomorrow.

Oh, I won't be losing, Gene.

I just needed another day to figure out how to prove Mr. Frond is innocent.

What? Don't you want to see him fry?

I mean, I do.

I did, I really did, but now I'm pretty sure he didn't do it.

Pretty sure doesn't win trials, toots.

Sounds like this trial is gonna drag on forever.

Darn it. Shucks.

Look, I wish I had someone like me when I was falsely accused.

I mean, today me, not yesterday me.

Yesterday me was phoning it in.

Aw, my baby's having a crisis of conscience.

You're doing something nice for Mr. Frond.

Ugh! Gross! I am not!

- You like him.
- No, I don't!

You like him.

You know what? I'm going to bed to think.

I have to think. I have to go think in bed.

- You think about how you like him.
- No, I don't!

Today the defense will prove that Mr. Frond did not steal the yogurt.

And what's more, I will show you who did steal the yogurt.

(quietly): As soon as I figure out who that is.

Oh, please, we all know Mr. Frond did it.

The yogurt was in his trash can.

And no one likes him.

I mean, right?

Objection to the first part.

That's hearsay, I think.

It's all hearsay.

You hear it, then you say it.

(laughs)

Oh, that is good.

I will allow it.

Of course you'll allow it.

What won't you allow?

That kind of talk in my courtroom, Missy.

But in this case, I'll allow it.

Wow, this judge sure is permissive.

Ugh. God.

Your Honor? Tina won't stop talking to me about the case and we're not supposed to do that, right?

Well, technically you're right, but you're coming off a little whiny.

Ugh. Great.

- You're back. Where were we?
- (groans)

Anyway, look at the map.

Mr. Frond's office is between the teacher's lounge and the cafeteria.

It would've been easy for someone to eat that yogurt as they walked down the hall, finish it, and throw it in Mr. Frond's trash can.

So the question is who would've been in the teacher's lounge after school, when teachers are rushing out to their second jobs?

Who would've gone from there to the cafeteria?

Oh, I don't know. Wait, yes I do.

Oh, my God! He's right there!

Yes, Mr. Frond was in the teacher's lounge on Monday afternoon.

But witnesses place two other people there on that same afternoon.

I call back to the stand Ms. Selbo.

So, Ms. Selbo, you were in the teacher's lounge just minutes before the yogurt went missing, correct?

Yes, I go there after school and pretend I'm a teacher.

I use Ms. Jacobson's mug.

- What?
- I mean, I don't pretend anything and I use a paper cup.

And I didn't take the yogurt.

And why should we believe you?

I'm lactose intolerant.

- You are?
- Big time.

Get me a gallon of milk and I'll prove it.

I will allow it.

No, no, no, we're good.

LINDA: Thanks for letting us crash your birthday party to get revenge on a dirty food scammer.

You only turn once!

- (doorbell rings)
- Oh, God, is that him?

- Get in the closet!
- Just me and Linda, or everybody?

All of us, Teddy!

Mom, we'll be in the closet.

You ladies let him in and enjoy the show.

(all grunting and talking over each other)

LINDA: Ow. Ow!

LOUISE: The defense calls to the stand Mr. Branca.

Mr. Branca, please tell the court what you were doing in the teacher's lounge after school Monday.

Same thing I do in there every day, empty the trash, pretend to vacuum.

You know, Branca stuff.

That carpet probably hides dirt.

Yeah. I just make the sound.

(imitates vacuum)

Is someone vacuuming?

So what did you do next?

Well, I walked down the hallway, mopped up something vomit-ish.

Then what? Then what, Branca?

Picked up some odds and ends, a broken scrunchie, a few retainers, a spoon...

What? Did you just say "a spoon"?

- Yes. Am I saying that right? Spoon.
- Let me get this straight, you're confessing that you found a spoon Monday after school?

Where did you find it, Branca?

In your mouth?

I find spoons all over the place.

Someone tried to flush a spoon down the toilet

- three times last year.
- My bad.

You want me out there finding your spoons.

You need me out there finding your spoons.

I mean, who leaves a spoon on a drinking fountain?

Wait, where did you find the spoon?

On the drinking fountain.

Thank you. I believe you didn't do it.

Oh, thank God.

But I know who did.

♪ Dun, dun, dun! ♪

I have one last question for you, Mr. Branca.

The drinking fountain you found the spoon on,

- how would you describe it?
- The... squirty one?

The squirty one.

Okay. Ladies and gentlemen, we all started this trial thinking

Mr. Frond was gross and terrible.

And we still think that.

He's many things: annoying, desperate.

But he's also something else: innocent.

Mr. Frond didn't eat Mr. Ambrose's yogurt.

Judge Conklin did.

- (all gasp)
- Whoa.

- What?
- Oh, my God.

- Oh, my goodness.
- Do what?

Order! Order!

That is a very serious accusation, Louise.

- Yeah!
- Don't you accuse my judge!

Don't you do it!

Present your argument.

You know, I got suspicious when you mentioned the carpet in the teacher's lounge probably hides dirt.

It made it sound like you'd been in the teacher's lounge.

But it was something else you said when you first walked in on Monday.

You said you had an accident, and it was water, not pee.

(gasps) It was pee!

- No, Zeke. It was water.
- Oh.

I say Judge Conklin went into the teacher's lounge and helped himself to the yogurt, ate it as he walked down the hall, threw away the container in Mr. Frond's trash can, then went to the drinking fountain to wash it down, leaving the spoon on top.

The squirty fountain did what it does best, squirted him, hence the wet sleeve.

Wow. You are...

% correct.

(all gasp)

(sobs)

I looked up to you.

What I don't know is why.

Why did you eat a yogurt that did not belong to you?

Yeah, why?

It was an honest mistake.

Usually at these school mock trials they have some sort of refreshments.

I thought the yogurt was your attempt at that.

I didn't know about this new spoon-in-the-lid technology, so I just used one of those old-fashioned metal spoons and I accidentally left it on the fountain.

But why didn't you just admit you did it yesterday?

Why make us go through all of this?

I thought I saw potential in this young defense attorney.

When this case fell in our lap, it seemed like a good challenge.

So this whole time, you were teaching us.

And I have to say, I am impressed.

I like the way you think.

You dug deep to find the truth and saved an innocent man.

Even though you two clearly have issues.

We do. We do.

Anyway, Mr. Ambrose?

How much was that yogurt?

$ . , plus tax!

I'll give you $ and we'll call it square.

Court is adjourned!

I guess I better put this on.

I have a date later.

- It'll be a great ice breaker.
- _

Bye everyone! Hope you all become lawyers!

Kids, please don't tell your parents how we've spent the last two days.

(as Borat): My wife.

I, uh, I think he's about to wrap it up.

(grunts)

You like? It's nice.

Oh!

This has to be the finale. Let's go.

Let's go, let's go. Up, up.

(all grunting and talking over each other)

- Move it!
- Ow.

Hi, there. Remember us?

You said you found a hair in my baloney cala-zoney?

- And in a burger at Bob's Burgers?
- Hi, I'm Teddy.

(normal voice): Oh, yeah. What's... going on?

Well, we're really unsatisfied with your performance today.

It's almost like we found a hair in your Borat.

Yeah, we're gonna need this comped.

All right, I see what you're doing here.

Yeah, checkmate. Ha!

You, uh, actually prepaid for the show when you put your credit card in on the Web site.

No cancellations or refunds one hour prior to performance.

Uh, what? I didn't, I didn't, uh...

I didn't know that.

Oh, way to go, Bob. Jeez.

So I guess this isn't checkmate, more like check the user agreement.

I've never seen a man this naked be this smug.

Thanks for everything and see you guys around.

Not so fast.

Finish your performance.

- What?
- You heard him.

We paid for it, we want it all.

We do? I saw enough personally.

- Fine.
- (music starts)

(as Borat): I like you, do you like me?

(Teddy laughs)

He... he is actually really good.

GENE (in Southern accent): Louise,

I've been a lawyer for three long, sweltering days, and I know when I've been bested.

Because you lost the case?

Yes. That's when I knew.

I'm just glad the jury came through and we were able to serve up a hot slice of justice.

I mean, we didn't, but we would have if we'd been able to deliberate or do anything.

Louise, I want to say thank you.

Honestly, I was terrified the whole time, but, you did the right thing. And helped me.

I know. It was very big of me.

Right. If you'll excuse me, now that I'm a free man, I have a reservation for one at the supermarket salad bar.

Ugh. So sad.

Yep. But thank you again.

- I'm proud of you.
- Yuck.

Well, it's how I feel, so there you go.

Sorry I didn't believe you in the first place.

- What?
- Nothing!

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Yogurt, hey, yogurt, hey ♪

♪ Yogurt, yogurt, yogurt ♪

♪ Yogurt, hey, yogurt, hey ♪

♪ Yogurt, hey ♪

♪ Yogurt, yogurt, yogurt ♪

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, yogurt. ♪