08x14 - The Trouble With Doubles

[bunniefuu]

Look what I found in Mom and Dad's interesting-smelling closet.

Wait, what were you doing in our closet?

Bup, bup, bup!

A box of old tapes, which I believe includes a tape of a certain song someone sang to a certain poop - when she was little.

- (gasps)

No!

What?

I thought I destroyed that tape.

Your mom made a copy.

She loved that song.

- Behold.

- GENE: The legendary Tina singing to her poop tape.

And after she sings to it, she flushes it and then cries.

Like a Viking funeral.

You know what?

I think I might just go into the kitchen.

- Uh, anyone want any crackers?

- Hey!

Geez, Tina.

That's, like, the most athletic you've ever been.

No one can see this.

I'm a mature young woman now who just flushes her poop, and that's that.

So I'm gonna swallow this.

It's not working.

Tina, get the tape out of your mouth.

Fine, then I'm gonna go hide this.

- Not in my room.

- I'm back.

- How was PTA?

- P-T-Great.

After the meeting, I had a nice talk with Ruthanne Donahue, Patrick's mom.

I think he's in your grade, Gene.

Patrick Donahue.

Good at math, has a weird laugh.

That's all I know.

So, Ruthanne and I were talking, and she said, "We should do a double date sometime.

" And I said, "Yeah.

" And she said, "How's tomorrow?"

And you said - no?

Lin.

- Yes.

It happened so fast.

She pulled out her calendar and everything.

You were supposed to say, "Let me get back to you" and then never get back to her.

- So lie?

- No, not lie.

Just say "no" but in a really indirect way.

Come on, Bob.

We don't have any friends who are couples.

Think of how fun it would be if we had best couple friends.

(all laugh)

(Bob and Linda laugh)

Someone's in the kitchen with Dinah (Bob and Linda laugh)

Wait, you want to go on one of those train things?

- Yeah.

Double date.

- Can't we just tell them - we got sick or something?

- Lie again?

- Tina, please.

- Maybe we'll have fun and this date'll surprise you.

Like when you think a guy is gonna m*rder you and then he proposes.

Come on, Bob.

Please?

- Uh, fine, I'll go.

- All right!

Whoa.

What is this?

Oh!

Oh, yeah.

This is a zombie movie from the early '80s.

A bunch of people get trapped in a Jewish deli.

It's called Again with the Living Dead.

Zombies in a deli?

I'll have some of that on rye.

- Am I right?

- I forgot I had this.

It's so good.

And scary.

But it's also funny.

I mean, in a really messed up way.

- Huh.

- Oh, but it's not for kids.

Y-You guys should never watch it.

Till you're maybe 20.

Sure.

Sure.

Sure, sure.

Tonight!

One night only.

Again with the Living Dead.

The scariest movie about a Jewish deli - you'll ever see.

- Top ten, at least.

Our parents leave at 7:00.

Movie starts at 7:05.

Who's in?

Me.

I'll bring an extra inhaler.

I might watch through my hands, but just 'cause I like my hands.

I'm in.

I like a little shiver in my liver.

- Right, Jay Ju?

Get over - Ow!

Zeke.

- Zeke, stop.

- We want to come, too.

(screams)

That's my scary movie sound.

A-ooga!

That's my "no, you didn't" sound.

Oh, and this isn't a free show, people.

The entrance fee is candy.

Plus tax, which is candy.

Okay, scat.

And don't tell Tina.

She'll get all babysitter on us.

- Hmm.

- Hey, T.

Hello.

Hey, what's going on?

We were just telling everyone how excited we are to have you babysit for us tonight.

'Cause it's such a treat.

- Oh, thanks.

I mean - Yeah.

babysitting is a lot of responsibility, but at the ripe old age of 13, I think I've learned a few tricks.

Watch this.

(yawns)

Who's getting sleepy?

(yawns)

Me.

Oh, she's good.

LINDA: Okay, kids.

We're going on a double date with our new couple friends.

Double couple trouble.

Don't come on too strong, Mom.

You don't want to give them the full Linda on the first date.

I'll be cool.

Couple friends till the very end.

Ah!

There, I got it out.

I got it out.

- Oh, boy.

- Bob, promise me you'll try to have fun tonight.

Don't complain like you like to do.

W-What do you mean, "like I like to do"?

You know, you make your little noises and your faces.

Dad has resting "B" face.

Okay, Lin, fine.

I promise I won't complain if you don't say "this is fun" over and over again.

Saying something's fun doesn't make it fun.

Fine.

Come on.

Let's go.

Bye, bye, bye.

Mwah.

- Stay out of my room.

- You got it.

All right, I'm gonna go into Mom's room.

Gene, check the VCR and make sure it's hooked up.

- On it.

- What are you guys doing?

(sighs)

Listen, I didn't want to say anything earlier because I knew you'd be like (imitating Tina): "No, we can't invite people over to watch that scary movie Dad told us not to watch.

" What?

No, we can't invite people over BOTH: to watch that scary movie Dad told us not to watch.

- Uh-huh.

- You guys, I can't let this happen.

I'm the babysitter, damn it.

Tina, when Dad said, "Don't watch the movie," what he really meant was, "Watch the movie.

" I mean, he was practically winking.

I don't know.

(singsongy): Jimmy Jr. is already on his way over.

And he's gonna need someone to comfort him - if he gets scared.

- Huh.

Comfort Jimmy Jr.

Okay, I'll allow it.

I mean, zombies are more sexy than scary, right?

I think everyone would agree with that.

(classical music playing)

Where are they?

They must not be here.

Uh, let's go home.

Stop being a negative noodle.

You just need to get used to the fact that we're gonna have a good time.

BOB: Oh, God.

There are people sitting with a dog.

Please don't let that be them.

Linda!

Over here!

Oh, my God.

It is.

Oh, hi, Ruthanne.

Bob, Linda, this is Nicholas.

- Hi.

- Hi.

RUTHANNE: And this is Lars.

You brought your dog to a restaurant.

Lars is my emotional support dog.

Yep.

We bring him everywhere we go.

Everywhere.

All the time.

It's fine.

So, uh, should we get another chair?

No, no, no, no.

Lars, scoot.

Sit here, Linda.

Aw, thanks for the seat, Lars.

- (Lars whines)

- Aw, he got scared.

Oh, don't pet his ears like that.

He hates that.

-(Lars snarls)

- Oh, my God!

Oh, no!

-Ooh!

Oh!

Oh, oh, I'm stuck.

- I'm stuck.

- Oh, God.

Geez.

- Let me let me help you.

- So sorry about that.

- It's okay.

- I was talking to Lars.

Oh.

Uh, well, this is fun.

- I-I mean, uh, double date.

Yay.

- Yep.

I'm so glad we decided to share everything.

I hate when people order their own meals.

It's like, "Oh, you want to order what you like and eat it all?" Selfish, right?

Are there any more shrimps?

I didn't get any.

Remember we said we were gonna order two, and then Ruthanne said we were just gonna order one?

I You know, just one.

We just need one.

Yeah.

There's tons of the tomato salad that Ruthanne was very excited about at one point.

I need something over here.

I'm starving.

So, uh, Nicholas, Lars gives you emotional support?

Yes, that's right.

He-he does.

What's your emotional thing?

I mean, if you don't mind me asking?

My therapist says I have PTSD.

My other therapist says I don't.

But my psychic says I definitely do, so that's two to one.

- Oh, were you - I'm working through some trauma from when I was in an a cappella group in college.

And And it was a cappella.

There wasn't any music.

Ever.

- People hated us.

- Huh.

And now we have Lars.

And that's okay.

So, uh, what do you guys like to do for fun?

- Tennis, anyone?

Ha!

- I can't play sports.

- I have inverted arms.

- Oh.

We do like to do escape rooms.

Have you ever done one of those?

What's an escape room?

You go to a place where you get locked in a room that looks like a w*r bunker or a-a dungeon, and you have to figure out how to escape.

- Oh, that sounds, uh - It is.

Uh, Nicholas, you like going to escape rooms after what you've been through with the a cappella thing?

You're not really locked inside, Bob.

(snorts)

Grow up, buddy.

Come on.

- Uh, okay.

- (laughs)

It's just fun.

- It's just a joke.

Ooh!

- We should all go sometime.

- Uh Oh!

- Eh Uh, Lars is, uh, sniffing my crotch.

- Uh, like, a lot.

- (sniffing)

- Oh, yeah, he is.

- Yeah.

I-I want to push him away, but I'm afraid he's gonna bite me.

Yeah, that's the that's the thing.

Um, so Ooh!

Can you, um, get him to stop?

- (sighs)

Lars.

Lars.

Lars?

- (sniffing continues)

Lars.

Lars!

Lars!

Lars!

That's okay.

Forget it.

All right, people.

Handy over the candy.

- Gene?

- Welcome to the Belcherplex.

Please silence your phones and your butts.

(screams)

I mean, ah, the Good.

- The lights are out.

- Jimmy Jr.

, if you get scared, - I'm here for you.

- Uh, you're kind of close, Tina.

- Can you move over?

- I'm right here if you need me.

Uh, you're still really close.

Shh.

Don't talk during the movie.

MAN: Can I take your plates?

Oh, I'm still working on mine.

Ruthanne is the slowest eater I know.

(laughs)

Lars is, uh, the slowest eater, too.

- He's still in there.

- Oh, wow, he is.

And done.

I-I think we're ready for the check.

Yes.

The gentleman and lady already paid for your meal.

- What?

- You did?

Yeah.

We gave him our credit card when we got here.

Don't worry about it.

You guys can get the next one.

- Yeah.

Yeah, you know.

- Yeah.

Yeah, we'll work things out.

- We'll schedule something.

- Um, whenever.

Or how about this?

You guys can get dessert right now.

Ooh, yes!

Should we go get some gelato?

- Uh - Ooh, oh, my.

(chanting): Gelato.

Gelato.

Hey, he's out.

My pants are really wet.

Girls in one car, boys in the other.

- Linda, I'll drive us.

- Uh We're with you, Bob.

Lars calls shotgun.

He gets carsick.

- Bobby.

Bobby.

- Lin.

Lin.

ZEKE: This isn't so scary.

- (zombie moans)

- (all gasp)

Nope, I was wrong.

It's scary.

WOMAN (on TV): Hey, Mr.

Goldberg.

You want your usual?

- (zombie moans)

- You look different.

- Did you, uh, get a new haircut?

- (zombie moans)

(all scream)

This movie's ruining roast beef sandwiches for me.

Smells like old fries in here.

Uh, it's probably the old fries.

I can't find the button for the window.

I just want a little air.

Oh, it's a hand crank.

Sorry.

Oh.

Uh, okay.

Let's see if I can deal with this.

-(Lars gagging)

- Uh, w-what's wrong with your dog?

Oh, he's probably just gonna throw up.

Oh, God.

Should we pull over?

Oop!

He's fine.

He swallowed it.

He's a trooper.

Good boy, Lars.

It's not that I hate Lars.

It's just, why can't I be my husband's emotional support dog, you know?

- Uh-huh.

- Ooh!

There's an escape room place.

A what?

Oh, oh, yeah.

Crazy idea: should we skip dessert and do an escape room instead?

Oh, I don't think we should.

You want to let the boys know the new plan?

LINDA: Okay, we're doing this.

I'll text Bob.

"Going to escape room.

No gelato.

" Send.

Oops, "gelato" auto-typed to "genital.

" Oops, did it again.

(phone buzzes)

Can you check that?

It might be from Linda.

I've never gotten a text from anybody else.

It says we're going to an escape room.

She signed it "genitals genitals.

" Is that, like, a nickname for her or Wait, we're going to an escape room?

- I know.

Great, right?

- (Lars sniffing)

I didn't even know they had one around here.

Uh-oh.

Oh, God.

- He found the old fries.

- Sorry.

NICHOLAS: It's not even his cheat day.

- (zombie moans)

- (woman screams)

(screams)

I don't even want to see it or hear it, but I don't want to stop watching.

Oh, matzo brain soup.

- (zombie moans)

- (screams)

- I got you, Jay Ju.

- I got you, Jimmy Jr.

Okay, Zeke.

Little bit of an eager beaver.

Maybe I'll just squeeze in here.

Maybe not.

MAN: Welcome, everyone and dog, to the "jail break" escape room.

Wow, it's so dirty in here!

Really authentic.

The lobby was dirty, too.

Is that on purpose?

(chuckles): Whoa-hoa.

You guys are comin' in hot.

Let's just take a step back and realize I'm by myself today, and you guys are the last room of the night.

- Oh, he's in character.

- I am not.

Once I close this door, you'll have one hour to find the key and escape.

All the clues you need are hidden in this room.

I bet I know where the key is.

It's in that locker right there.

No, it's too obvious, Ruthanne.

I'm not allowed to say, but it's not obvious.

It's a pretty good spot.

I'll be right outside that door.

If you absolutely need to leave the escape room before the hour is up, that's a panic button right over there.

If you press it, I'll come and then I'll let you out.

Can we press it now?

Just kidding.

Kinda.

And I'm gonna collect your phones so you won't take any pictures.

We also don't want you to use them to, uh, post bad reviews online.

Not that we've ever gotten lots of those.

Wait, wait, wait.

Before we get started, can Lars and I run to the boys' room?

Yeah, I want to go to the ladies' room.

I'll show you where it is.

Lin, this is an awful date.

I know you told me not to complain, and I'm not - That's just a fact.

- I know.

I'm not gonna say this is fun, because it's not fun, at all.

(sighs)

Let's just do this escape room as fast as we can, - so we can go home.

- I should text Tina real quick before that guy takes our phones away.

Doing an escape room, then coming home.

Double date awful.

Nightmare couple.

k*ll me.

Sad face, sad face, sad face, turd.

Send.

Okay, if everyone could surrender your phones, please.

- (phone vibrating)

- Oh, wait, I just got a text.

Oh, it's from you, Linda.

Oh, God!

Don't read that.

Uh, Ruthanne It says, "Double date awful.

Nightmare couple.

k*ll me.

" Sad face, sad face, sad face.

Turd.

- Oh, boy.

-Ooh.

Anyway, I'll take that.

Okay, everybody, happy escaping.

Okay, okay.

I accidentally sent you a text that said you were a nightmare couple, but it was a joke.

(chuckles): It was just a joke.

Lars, I need you more than ever right now.

Look, this is extremely awkward.

Let's just push the panic button and get out of here.

Sure.

Push the panic button.

Get away from the "nightmare couple.

" No, we don't want to get away from you.

Yes, we do.

No, no, we want to do the escape room with you.

- That'll make me feel better.

- All right, fine.

Ruthanne said the key was probably in that locker.

Okay.

It's a combination lock.

It's locked.

Yeah, it's a real sad-face nightmare locker.

- Turd.

- Ignoring Ruthanne and Nicholas.

Look.

A letter.

"Dear Prisoner, The Code is my name.

Sincerely, Your PAL.

" - Huh.

- The word "PAL" is capitalized.

Maybe it's a clue Maybe the code for the lock combination is P-A-L.

- Ruthanne, right?

- Mm, mm, mm.

- Nicholas?

- Mm, mm, mm.

Lars?

Why am I asking a dog?

Wait, there's more.

"A + B=14.

" - There's math?

- Yeah.

So the letter "A" is in the word "PAL.

" - Right.

- And "A" and "B" are numbers that add up to 14, right?

- Right.

- So - Four.

- Wh-Why are you saying "four"?

- I don't know.

- Okay, 14 is - Four.

- Stop saying "four"!

I'm sorry!

I'm sorry!

That was amazing.

Everyone have a good time?

At our little movie screening?

Anyone?

(squeakily): Can't talk.

Too scared.

I'll never not be scared.

I'm burning through canisters here.

(inhales loudly)

- Are you guys really scared?

- Mama.

I'm not gonna close my eyes again, I'll tell you that.

Wait.

Let me try.

Bad idea!

Oh, no, no!

Bad idea!

- Zeke, open your eyes!

- Okay, okay, okay!

- Guys, it's just a movie.

- A great movie.

I mean, it's gonna stay with us, probably for the rest of our lives, but People, zombies aren't real.

Then how'd they get the idea for that movie?

Can I use your phone I'm calling my mom to come get me.

No.

No parents.

You're not supposed to be here.

And you definitely weren't supposed to be watching a scary movie under my supervision.

Hey, we talked about this, remember?

You were never here, you didn't watch a scary movie at our house, and you're gonna leave here on your own two feet in the next few minutes before our mom and dad come home.

I'm only stepping out of this house if there's a long line of grown-ups going all the way to my house and they're all willing to hug me.

Louise, no one's leaving.

We've got a problem.

- (whispers): Yeah, you do.

- Me?

You're the one who invited everyone over.

But you're the babysitter.

I'm nine.

What do I know?

(sighs)

Let me try something.

Hey, guys, let's pretend we're on a treasure hunt and the treasure's at your house.

Ready?

Go!

Huh.

Weird.

That didn't work.

BOB: Okay, so we found the letter.

- Right.

- And we found the Bible under the mattress with another math problem in it.

It's like the friggin' SATs in here.

Oh, we're so bad at this.

(sarcastically): Oh, no, you're so good at this.

- Okay, Ruthanne.

- Oh, what is that smell?

I think it was Lars.

He had those fries from your weird old car, remember?

Ugh.

Did it just get worse?

That time it was me.

Sorry not sorry.

Oh, two can play at that game, Missy.

- You wouldn't dare.

- Escape this.

Oh, my God.

TINA: Okay.

We brought in every lamp from the house, so it's nice and bright in here, and we've got The Equestranuats on.

That's a happy show.

You're gonna forget all about that silly zombie deli.

Aah!

Zombie pastrami!

Darryl, we went over this.

The zombie grandma didn't feel anything when her face went through the meat slicer.

(groaning)

She doesn't feel pain because she's not alive.

- Not-not helping.

- Tina, no one's budging.

I know.

I-I need to find something that will make them forget what they've seen.

What's the exact opposite of an R-rated zombie movie?

- (gasps)

I'll be right back.

- Well, she's dead.

BOB: Ugh!

I'm getting close to passing out.

I think I have to push the panic button.

Yeah, the vent's not working.

(gasps)

Wait.

Bob, the vent!

Maybe there's a clue inside.

(gasps)

It opens!

- (squeaking)

- Aah!

Aah!

Aah!

- Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.

- (Ruthanne and Nicholas scream)

- Aah!

Aah!

- Okay, hit the panic button!

- Oh, my God!

Aah!

- Hit the panic button!

-(barking)

- Hello?

Hello?

Where's the guy?!

BOB: Let us out!

We're panicking!

We're panicking!

LINDA: Is this how escape rooms are supposed to work?

Trapped in a room with a crazy rat?

Nicholas, why is the rat chasing your dog?

(Lars whining)

Shouldn't it be the other way around?

He's an emotional support dog.

He's very sensitive.

Ooh, this is a cappella all over again.

(b*at-boxing)

Oh, Mickey, you're so fine You're so fine you blow my mind, hey, Mickey!

- Nicholas, stop doing a Capella!

- (b*at-boxing)

I can't help it!

I'm having a flashback!

- Ruthanne, Nicholas - (barking)

I'm-I'm sorry I sent you that mean text.

I don't want to die knowing that I hurt your feelings.

Look, we really need to get out of here.

Can you please help us?

- Yes!

- Yes!

Bob, stick your hand down the toilet.

- Excuse me?

- It's not a real toilet.

- Just do what I say!

- Okay, okay.

- (squeaking, Bob shrieks)

- The rat just grazed my foot.

I found something!

It's a UV flashlight!

Shine it at the walls and ceiling.

LINDA: Look!

There's secret writing on the ceiling.

It says "B equals 8.

" (gasps)

"A" plus "B" equals 14!

That means "A" equals 6!

So the second number on the combination lock must be 6!

Oh, my God, we're crackin' the code!

I feel just like A Beautiful Mind.

(insects trilling)

Wait.

Is that the tape?

(gasps)

I think it is.

Talk about jumping on a grenade.

Everyone, I found something that might help.

But before I play this, let me say, I was four, and I was going through a phase that I grew out of mostly.

- Jimmy Jr.

, close your eyes.

- Okay.

LINDA (on TV): You ready to flush the poopy, sweetie?

Let me sing my song.

(to "Twinkle, Twinkle): Poo, poo, poo, poo - I love you - (Linda laughs)

Poo, poo, poo, poo, I'll miss you.

- Uh, what's happening?

- TINA: Oh, and cover your ears.

LINDA: Okay, say "Bye.

" We're gonna flush now.

- Bye, poopy.

- (toilet flushing)

(crying): Hope you're okay.

LINDA: Aw, my teeny Tina and her giant poop.

- Uh-oh.

Second flush.

- (toilet flushing)

It's better than I remembered.

- Yikes.

- Yup.

Yup.

Well, I loved it, but I wish they didn't k*ll off my favorite character.

So, how's everyone feeling?

I personally am feeling mortified.

I feel better.

(laughs)

That taught me how to laugh again.

And how to love.

Okay, so, bye.

Get out.

Geez, now I know how that poop felt.

Yeah, at least sing us a song, Tina.

Come on!

Out!

Out!

Out!

- (barking, squeaking)

- Okay.

Ruthanne figured out the math problem in the bible, so now we know that "P" equals two and "A" equals six.

So we just need to figure out what the letter "L" equals.

- Whoa!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

- Aah!

Aah!

- (barking)

- Hey, someone wrote the words "life in prison" on the calendar.

Ooh, that's a clue.

What date is the letter "L" on?

The fifth.

Oh!

The last number on the lock must be 5!

(whoops)

Let's unlock the door!

-(barking)

- (Ruthanne screams)

-I'll unlock it.

- Really, Nicholas?

- Yes.

I can do this.

- Go, Nicholas.

- Go, Nicholas.

Go!

- Go!

- Gee.

Nope, can't do it.

BOB and LINDA: Damn it!

Nicholas, you can.

You can.

I know you can.

Look, I'll distract the animals somehow so you can make it, Nicholas.

I'll help you, Bob.

I'll take Lars, you take the rat.

- Wait.

What?!

- Uh.

(whoops)

- Lars, run to me.

Come on.

- (barking)

- Oh, they're both coming to me.

- Go, Nicholas!

(whimpering)

I can't remember the numbers!

I can't remember any numbers!

Oh, my God, Nicholas, it's 265.

No pressure!

Right, right, right, right, right, right.

I unlocked it, and there's a key!

- Yes!

Open it!

Open it!

- Open it!

Open it!

- Open it, honey!

- I opened it!

- (barking)

- (Nicholas grunts)

- Come on, Lars.

- (barking)

- We escaped!

- (Ruthanne whoops)

- Ha!

Ha!

- We're free, buddy!

(snorts)

Oh, hey, you guys escaped.

- Were you asleep?

- Uh, I might have dozed off.

- There's a rat in there!

- Oh, sh**t.

Uh, the rat was a clue.

- Oh, I don't think so.

- All right, fine.

I'll, uh, I'll give you the rat-in-the-room discount.

We'll take it.

Bob and Linda, pay the man.

Here's three credit cards.

Spread it around.

And your place smells like farts.

Hey, what are you kids still doing up?

(gasps)

Aw, Tina's poop song!

Yeah, I'm gonna hit it with a hammer pretty soon.

- How was your double date?

- It was fun.

It was?!

You had fun?

I mean, it was awful, but I feel kind of brave and smart?

- Me, too!

- Eh, that won't last.

- Yeah, you're right.

- Yeah, yeah, it's already gone.

Why are there so many lamps in here?

We were playing lamps and we won.

Uh, okay.

Well, time for bed.

Mom, Dad, can I sleep in your room tonight?

- Sure, honey.

Is everything okay?

- Oh, yeah.

I'm fine.

I'm just gonna need to sleep with a kitchen Kn*fe.

Is that gonna be a problem?

Did you guys watch something scary?

- No.

- Uh-uh.

But maybe I'll sleep in your bed, too, you know, just to keep the Kn*fe company.

Wait.

I want in on that action.

Yay!

My little bedbugs!

BOB and LINDA: Best couple friends We're gonna be best couple friends All four of us are gonna be friends till the end Best couple friends We're gonna be best couple friends We go great together Like tonics and gins LINDA: And we'll be singing LINDA and BOB: Someone's on a double couple date Someone's having fun Someone's on an old-time train thingy LINDA: 'Cause we rented one BOB: Really?

LINDA and BOB: Best couple friends, we're gonna be Best couple friends, all four of us