08x18 - As I Walk Through the Alley of the Shadow of Ramps

[bunniefuu]

Nothing like a game of bike ride trash toss.

Sport of kings.

It's like Quidditch, if Harry Potter's life took a really sad turn.

Taco wrapper off the back lid.

- Nice, T.

- Gene, I'm loving the new bike basket.

You mean this sweet handlebar candy?

Why should girls have all the fun?

This summer's all about boy baskets.

You're a pioneer.

Now watch me sink these moldy buns from out in three-point land.

Geez!

Hi, I'm Alice, your new neighbor.

Could you move, please?

- Nice to meet you, too, Alice.

- We'll move.

We just have to deal with this pile of garbage.

My name is Gene.

Could you speed it up a smidgen?

Sorry, we're working at full smidgen.

Uh, try doing it like you were strong, healthy children.

What's the racket?

Oh, you guys are playing bike ride trash toss?

- We were.

- How's the notary business, Mr.

Huggins?

Well, you know what they say about being a notary.

- What?

- Nothing.

Nobody ever says anything about it.

Hello?

Did everyone forget about me?

I did.

Sorry.

Smoothies and Hair Removal.

" So, you guys remove hair from the smoothies?

Ugh.

This question again.

I don't have time for this.

Lady, if you're in such a hurry, why not use the street, like a normal person?

Because if I drive that way, I have to make a left into traffic and it takes forever and it makes me cranky.

This is you not cranky?

No thanky.

But if I go this way, it's easy, and I can get lost in my CD of New Age Celtic pop, and begin my day.

But I can't do that if kids are blocking the alley.

So All done, drive through.

Yeah.

So sorry to keep you waiting.

Thank you, tricycle girl.

You're welcome, weird business truck lady.

Starting my day now, bye.

Ancient fountains - Ooh - Yeah!

Get that Enya in ya.

What a piece of work.

She's not gonna ruin our fun, though, right?

Bean can from downtown.

Should've gone in.

Bob's Burgers.

Oh, hi.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, sweetie, hold on.

Slow down, you're talking crazy, honey.

- Oh, is it your sister?

- Bob says hi.

O-Okay, okay, just sit tight.

- I'm coming over.

- What's wrong?

It's Gayle's first day at her new job at the art museum, - and she's gonna quit.

- That's her thing, right?

She gets a job and threatens to quit after one day.

You know what?

You're right.

Maybe this time, I should just let her figure it out for herself.

You're grabbing your keys, and you're picking up your purse.

I got to go, I got to go.

Gayle, sweetie, I'm here.

Oh, thank God.

Hold me up.

I've been standing so long.

Gayle, G-Gayle.

I can't be a security guard, Linda.

Gayle, stand up.

I can't feel my legs.

Here, here, you're standing up, you're standing.

I got to quit, Linda.

I'm not made for this.

I'm not an athlete.

Gayle, look at that guy.

- Yeah?

- He's, like, a hundred years old.

If he can do it, you could do it.

I'll never be that good.

Listen, you'll get used to it.

I stand all day.

Now I've got the best calves in the family, besides Gene.

It's not just the standing, Linda.

I thought I was gonna be a protector of art.

Guarding it from art thieves, and people who lick sculptures.

People lick sculptures?

Of course they do.

Grow up, Linda.

Oh.

I-I What the hell is wrong with this world?

But look around.

It's boring here.

Gayle, give it another day.

And if you still hate it after that day, you give it another day.

And you keep going like that.

Forever.

- That's what working is.

- Linda, no!

But it's not all bad.

They pay you, and you get to go home after and say, "What a day," and drink.

- That does sound nice.

- Thatta girl.

- Now stand in the place where you work.

- Okay.

And then, she just drove away.

What's her problem?

She doesn't own the alley.

Yeah, kids play in alleys, right?

I did.

I was a real Alley Sally till I met your father, settled down.

I hate when people cut through the alley.

E-Except for that guy in the Corvette.

He's cool.

I think we'd be friends if we had the opportunity.

She called me "tricycle girl.

" What's up with that?

Jealous, probably.

Yeah, probably.

Hey, uh, speaking of your, uh, big wheel Mean green machine.

Right, mean green machine.

Maybe it's time for another, um, you know.

- What?

- Another go at the old two-wheeler?

I could give you a lesson again.

No offense, Dad, but the last one didn't go so great.

Louise, tell me when you want me to let go.

- Not yet.

- Okay, now.

Let go now.

I'm trying.

Your hands are on top of my hands.

- Now, Dad!

- Louise, relax your grip.

- Let go now!

- You're digging your nails in!

Louise, honey, let me teach you.

Your dad's nice, but uh, you know, he's not so bright.

Hey, I'm good at it.

I-I taught Tina.

- Ha!

- What?

I taught Tina.

I worked with her for a week.

And you swooped in at the end to give her her last push.

I "swooped in"?

- Like a pterodactyl.

- Hairy-dactyl.

Hey, with me, the proof is in the pudding.

Don't forget, I taught Gene.

AKA the pudding.

Actually, I taught Gene.

Mom kept running off to answer the phone.

That woman never says no to a phone call.

It was Ginger.

She was going through something.

I'm not allowed to say what, but it rhymes with "botched schmemorrhoid surgery.

" Hey, I helped teach Gene, too, remember?

I remember.

- I remember the crying.

- The crying?

Your dad usually cries when he teaches bike riding.

Well, yeah, because a beautiful moment is about to happen.

A kid's first ride.

- Oh, boy.

- Here it comes.

Guys, I appreciate what you're trying to do here, but I could ride a bike.

I choose not to.

Three wheels are better than two.

It's math.

Well, what do we do to put off doing the dishes?

- Parcheesi?

- Cheese party?

Parcheesi cheese party.

Wow, that actually sounds great.

But, before that, Gene and Tina and I were gonna do a thing real quick?

R-Remember?

- Um, sure.

- Yes?

Well, be quick.

We got your father all excited.

I'll get the Parcheesi board.

Uh, Lin, you get the cheese board.

W-Wait, let's switch.

- Where are we going, Louise?

- And am I dressed for it?

Is this a missed scarf-ortunity?

Remember our friend Alice?

She parks right here, so I'm thinking, we write something in the dust on her back window.

And by "we," I mean "you," 'cause I can't reach.

- What are we gonna write?

- Glad you asked.

"If You Can Read This, You're Behind A Stinky Turd Truck.

" - Huh.

- Oh.

Yeah.

Pretty good, right?

It's kind of rough?

- Why don't we, um, tweak it a little?

- Okay.

"If you can read this, you're behind "what might be a stinky turd truck.

Anyway, have a nice day.

Smiley face, one love.

" - It's perfect.

- Good collab, guys.

I got to meet some kids who know more curse words.

Louise, we're not gonna start something when the lady comes through, right?

Nah.

We've sent a message.

A weird, wordy message.

I'm glad "one love" stayed in.

You guys were gunning for it.

Look, here she comes.

- I'm so nervous.

- Relax.

She doesn't know we did it.

I know what you kids did.

- Uh-oh.

- Lady, drive on by, we don't know what you're talking about.

Yeah, you do, tricycle girl.

Okay, enough with the tricycle stuff.

Why don't you want to talk about it?

Because you're too old to be riding one?

- Okay.

- Whoa.

That's right, I went there, with a child.

And now, I'm so upset, I don't even want this smoothie I worked so hard on.

What the hell just happened?

I didn't mean to do that, but let's call it a happy accident.

This is an active alley.

It is not for little kids on bikes.

Whispering birds on a tree stump Still feel good about the "one love," Gene?

Yes, I do.

Fire escape, huh?

Whatcha doing?

Escaping fires?

We have to hit back at Alice, and hit hard.

Because of what she said about your green machine?

This isn't about my green machine, Tina.

But we can all agree, nine is not too old.

It's single digits.

It's a six upside down; how is that too old?

Sure, s-sure.

This is about our God-given alley access.

Oh, and not getting smoothie splashed on us.

Subpar smoothie.

Bananas and beets are not friends.

But what can we do?

We're just three kids, and she's a mean woman with a big truck.

Right.

But what if we weren't just three kids?

Come back in 20 years?

I am loving this plan.

Rudy, buddy.

We're, uh, planning a bike party in our alley.

Do you still have those ramps you built with your dad?

Huh, smaller than advertised, but not bad.

Lot of good memories in these ramps, huh, buddy?

You and I, hammering away at them - in the driveway of my condo.

- Mm-hmm.

Always something fun happening at Dad's, huh?

- Right, son?

Right, son?

- Ow.

Don't do that.

- We don't do that.

- Sorry, yeah.

Sorry.

So how many people did you invite to this bike party, Louise?

A few.

Everyone.

It doesn't matter.

If you have ramps, kids will come.

Yeah, not in my experience, but okay.

What's Louise doing in the alley?

Setting up for a bike party.

Huh.

I didn't get invited.

And I'm the two-wheel teaching master.

What about me?

I'm a good teacher.

I taught you all the difference between Dermot McDermott and Dylan Mulroney.

Dammit.

Oh, ugh.

Bob's Burgers.

- Hi, Linda.

- Hi, Gayle.

How's work?

Terrible.

So boring.

I got to quit.

Gayle, any good protector of art knows the threats don't always jump out at you.

- I don't know.

- Look around, Gayle.

- What do you see?

- A statue.

Oh, wait, that's a lady.

She's wearing all white.

- Oh.

- Oh, no, wait, it's a statue.

- Oh, no, she moved.

- Oh.

Do statues move?

Gayle, Gayle, what else?

What else, honey?

Well, there's a guy in the next gallery.

He comes here every day and stares at this one painting.

Every day?

Gayle, you think nothing happens there.

You're wrong.

That guy?

He's, uh, casing the joint.

He wants that painting.

- What?!

- What's he look like?

Describe him.

Good-looking, but not too good-looking.

Like the Planters Peanut.

Sounds like he doesn't want to draw attention to himself.

He's that good.

You got to watch him.

You might just stop the biggest art heist in history.

You think so?

I know so.

Now, I'm gonna check back in with you at the end of your shift.

I want a full report.

Okay.

Call me every ten minutes.

No, at the end of your Oh, Gayle, Gayle, I got to go.

You hear that?

That's why I'm the world's greatest sister.

Oh, they all left.

- Wow, Louise, nice turnout.

- I'm pretty happy with it.

Well, I guess I got to go back inside.

I'm-I'm getting a little weepy just being around all these bikes.

Yeah, go inside, Dad.

That's not really the vibe we're going for.

Okay, I'd say be careful on the ramps, but those are some very small ramps.

Yeah, don't let Rudy hear you say that.

Here goes everything.

They should serve a meal on that flight.

So you call this thing a "boy basket"?

Also known as a "man-sket.

" And Zeke, if you're thinking about getting one, do it.

I got my wax lips in here, extra socks, a free yoga magazine I found, prednisone.

I could give my turtle a ride.

You have a turtle?

You've met Terry, like, a thousand times, Zeke.

Oh, Terry.

Right, I met him.

See that, Tina?

That is a woman who's about to take a left into traffic.

Huh.

Yeah, she's not even trying to come down the alley.

It's called defeat.

And she wears it like a splattered smoothie.

- Po Po.

- Oh, crap.

Hey, is everything okay over there, Louise?

Hang back, Rudy.

I'll handle this.

Oh, boy Having a bike party?

Yeah, Officer, just some wholesome summer fun.

Well, uh, we got an anonymous complaint from, uh, actually, that lady right there, that you're blocking the alley.

Yeah, we need you to disperse.

We'll move.

Right, Louise?

'Cause the police are saying to.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Right away.

Ugh This is gonna be hard to break this to the little guy.

It meant so much to him.

What little guy?

You're all little guys.

That one.

This is kind of, um, a benefit for him.

Oh, yeah, I have a cousin like that.

He's not asthmatic, he's just like that.

Yeah, we set up some ramps, passed the hat.

I wish we could do more.

Can't you do it somewhere else?

We could.

It's just he likes the alley.

It's more private here.

People don't, you know, stare at him.

- What's going on, Louise?

- Ah Oh, God.

Rudy, buddy, I've got some bad news.

Hey, you know what?

Never mind that.

We, uh, w-we'll block off the alley.

- Yeah, yeah.

- Good luck, kid.

Why are you saying good luck?

Why did he say, "Oh, God"?

Hey, we're here for you, son, the whole damn police force.

Um why?

Ah Look at that face.

- And your shriveled-up little arms.

- Yeah.

What's happening?

Should I be insulted?

Can we still ride bikes?

Of course you can, just like a normal kid, just like a normal kid.

Thanks for your help, officers.

You did a good thing today.

- I'm a normal kid.

I He's - Yeah, yeah.

- You're real normal, Rudy.

Right, officers?

- Am I not, like, a normal kid?

That's right.

God, I'm so cranky!

Getting crankier!

Check and mate.

Yup.

She's really having trouble with that left.

Mess with the Belchers and you will be mildly inconvenienced.

You kids are quiet tonight.

I can actually hear the show we're watching.

It's called Mr.

Robot, but he's human?

I don't get it.

Pass the nuts.

Guys, this is a silence that falls over a just and peaceful land.

- Who's Justin Peaceful?

- I think he's a folk singer.

Oh, must be Rudy.

Him and his dad were gonna come pick up the ramps.

Thanks for holding on to 'em, Louise.

That's weird.

I left them right here by the back door.

- Oh, crap.

- Wh-What?

What, oh, crap?

She took the ramps.

What?

We've been ramp-jacked?

I knew we should've insured them.

Who would do a thing like that?

Maybe rollerbladers.

- Those guys are pretty tough.

- Someone else.

Someone who just took a left turn into a world of hurt.

Oh, no.

So, you wanted my ramps to get back at a lady who was mean to you, - and now that lady has them?

- Maybe you shouldn't have left the ramps in the alley, Louise.

Yeah, there's only five things thieves are looking for: cash, jewelry, swords, velor and ramps.

I didn't think about it, okay?

But don't worry, Rudy.

We're gonna march over and take what's yours.

She doesn't have your ramps.

The garbage men took 'em.

- What?

- I tried to stop 'em.

I was calling, "Hey!

Don't take the ramps!

Don't take the ramps!" But I had a toothbrush in my mouth then, and it probably sounded like, "Mwah, mwah, moo, moo, moo, moo, mwah!" But I put the ramps over there.

They were nowhere near the garbage.

- Well, she moved 'em.

- What?

That lady you guys are fighting with, she moved 'em by the Dumpsters.

Ugh.

She must've known they'd get taken.

I didn't know why she was moving 'em.

I mean, she was laughing like a crazy person saying, "That'll show 'em!" You know, maybe that should've tipped me off.

It's okay, Mr.

Huggins.

It's only partially your fault, mostly her fault, and nobody else's fault.

Well, I mean, you're the one who left the ramps out here when there's Rudy, I threw you a benefit.

Bob's Burgers.

Linda.

The eagle has landed.

The hawk is in the hamper.

What?

Wh-What are you talking about?

- I got the bastard.

- You what?

The art thief, I got him in custody.

Gayle, Gayle, where are you?

The interrogation room.

Wha?

They have one of those at the art museum?

Mm-hmm.

It's also the employee bathroom.

Oh, my God, Gayle, don't do anything.

I'm coming over there.

Don't do anything.

Bob, if I'm not back soon, it's 'cause I'm on the lam with Gayle.

- Okay, sounds good.

- Okay, I got to go.

Oh, God.

Here she comes.

Move, Little Trikey Me-No-Likey.

Not until you pay back my friend for his surprisingly safe ramps.

Hi, I'm the friend.

Pretty dangerous ramps, actually.

Pretty scary.

I said move.

Oh, I am not moving.

I am gonna eat in this alley and sleep in this alley, and you are never driving through here again in your whole life, or at least until school starts.

Move.

Honk.

No.

Honk.

Do it.

Honk.

I won't.

Honk!

I mean it.

Honk.

I don't care!

Honk!

What a couple of honkies.

I don't like this, Louise.

It's dangerous.

- Tina, it's fine.

Honk!

- Louise.

Honk infinity.

- She's good.

- What if she thinks she's in park, but she's not, and she takes her foot off the brake and Ah!

- Sorry, sorry, sorry.

- Oh, Tina, come on!

You kids aren't ruining my morning.

Moss and fog, moss and fog - Moss and fog.

- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

Are you frickin' kidding me?!

Oh, whoa.

Tina, put the pedal to the However this thing works.

Go, just go.

We got to catch up with that truck.

I got eyes on your green machine.

So far it's hanging in there.

- Kind of.

- Whoa!

Bikes can go so fast.

I mean, how does it even stay up?

We should be wiping out all over the street right now.

Ahh!

Okay, now you're getting in my head.

Let's not look at this too closely.

She's turning on Garden Street.

She's heading towards downtown.

Where the young professionals are.

They love smoothies and hair removal.

Let's cut through that alley.

But what if we run into a bunch of kids who don't want us to?

Whoa, irony, Right?

Hold on.

It's a tight squeeze.

Guys!

There's a board against some trash up ahead.

I think I think I'm gonna have to take it.

Rudy, be care Oh, that's not very scary.

Whoa!

- Did you guys see that?

- See what?

- It's okay.

God saw.

- There she is!

Faster, Tina!

Gayle, it's Linda, let me in.

We got him just in time.

He was about to make a move.

Oh, hi, hi.

How are you?

You good?

- What's your name, hon?

- Neil.

Neil?

It's nice to meet you, Neil.

I'm Linda.

Are you the good cop or something?

Oh, my God.

Uh, Gayle, sweetie, he's innocent.

You know that, right?

- He is?

- Of course he is.

I'm sorry I got you riled up.

I was trying to help.

I didn't think you were gonna kidnap a guy.

You should always think I'm gonna kidnap a guy.

I know.

You're right.

But, you know, now you got to put him back where you found him.

But he knows too much now.

- We got to get rid of him.

- No, Gayle.

- Stop.

- Okay, fine.

Sorry, sir.

We're really sorry.

You're not mad, right?

I'm just confused.

I mean, I-I love this place.

I love that painting.

I-I would never hurt it or steal it.

No, of course not.

What's so special about that painting, anyway?

It's just a bunch of lines and colors and splotches.

I'm an artist, so I know the terminology.

Oh, I-I guess you could say it gives me some comfort ever since my wife d*ed.

Oh, aw.

Did I say "wife"?

I meant "cat.

" Oh, my God, you poor thing.

H-Hey, I think you two should get some coffee.

- Really?

- You do?

Yeah, I do.

A guy who says "wife" but means "cat"?

That's a guy you got to get to know, Gayle.

How about right now?

Oh, I have a job.

Oh, I want to quit!

Gayle, just meet him at 5:00, for God's sake.

Oh, it's okay, Gayle.

Uh, I'll just hang around until then.

Oh.

Maybe I can lean against you.

Oh.

You're really gonna lean, huh?

Yeah, this'll work.

Let's go guard some art.

There she is.

You followed me?

Yeah, we did.

You dragged my green machine all over town.

I what?

Oh, my God.

That is not easy to look at.

It's like something you dance around at Burning Man.

I didn't know it was there.

Understandable.

It's only a big chunk of plastic you dragged under your truck for, like, two miles.

I could have k*lled you.

Oh.

Huh.

Well, I guess that's true.

I like how upset you are.

Keep that coming.

- Okay, too much.

- I'm sorry.

Things have been crazy.

I've been so on edge since I dumped my savings into this truck.

It seems like a can't-miss idea, right?

- Um, yeah, uh - Sure, sure.

But business is bad.

Business is very bad.

Well, maybe that's your problem?

It makes me feel awful, you know?

That part of trying something new when I just suck at it.

What if I suck at it forever?

I don't know.

Give up?

No, no, no.

It's okay, Alice.

We've all been there.

Haven't we?

Sorry, lady.

You're not gonna get me and my messed up green machine to feel bad for you.

I'm just saying, we've all had that fear when you're trying something new that's kind of scary and you think you're never gonna be able to do it, right?

I did when I was switching from boob to bottle.

Hardest four years of my life.

Okay, so we covered Gene.

And maybe someone else can relate in some way?

- I don't like bats.

- Okay, that's totally off-topic.

Sorry, I thought we were just talking about scary stuff.

Louise, what have you been scared about lately?

Something that's "wheel-y" hard to start doing?

- "Two-wheel-y" hard?

- I'm gonna also say bats.

Nope, that's not something you do.

Uh, can I guess?

Shut up, Alice.

Sorry, sorry.

All right, I get it.

I get it, Tina.

Geez.

Oh, good.

And maybe you have a point.

Alice, I can see how you might not have been your best self during our alley interactions.

Thank you.

And I just want to say I also don't like bats.

Hard thing to admit.

Respect.

You know what?

I am gonna stick with this business.

Good one.

Oh, you're serious.

I mean, good.

Solid plan.

And I want to pay you back for the ramps and the trike - Great.

- in store credit!

- Would you prefer waxes or smoothies?

- Smoothies.

- Smoothies.

- Smoothies.

- Waxes!

Sorry again about your ramps, Rudy.

It's okay.

My dad and I will build more ramps.

From the ashes rise ramps.

- More ramps.

- Huh.

Is there something different about Jimmy Jr.

and Zeke?

Check it out, Gene.

Our man-skets.

How'd I ever get by without one of these?

Yeah!

Summer of the boy basket.

And what about your green machine, Louise?

I mean, free smoothies take some of the sting out of it, but Yeah.

Well, I've been thinking Move back.

Everyone move back.

We're back as far as we can go, Louise.

Move back further.

Mom, no pictures.

Right, right, right.

Mr.

Huggins, you got this?

I got it.

Mom, who are you taking to?

What'd you just say?

Nothing, nobody.

Just focus on the bike and smile.

Here we go in five, four - Dad, no crying!

- I'm sorry.

Don't worry, Louise.

If your father screws this up, I'm ready to step in and be the hero.

For the record, I totally paved the way for this whole thing to happen with my amazing speech earlier.

But yeah, it's fine.

Three, two, one Oh!

Pedal!

Pedal!

You're becoming a woman, Louise!

Okay, Dad, let go.

Wait, not yet!

Okay, now!

Like a bat out of hell, I'll be gone When the morning comes Oh, when the night is over Like a bat out of hell I'll be gone, gone, gone Like a bat out of hell I'll be gone when the morning comes But when the day is done and the sun goes down And the moonlight's shining through Then like a sinner Before the gates of heaven I'll come crawling on back