08x21 - Something Old, Something New, Something Bob Caters for You

[bunniefuu]

LINDA: We all go sleeping.

- BOB: Whoa.

- LINDA: Whatcha reading?

- The Internet?

- Oh, it's an article about those doctors that go to w*r zones.

What, like, for vacation?

No, for saving people.

Just makes it seem like what we do is so trivial.

Oh, not this again.

I mean, think about it, Lin.

What we do doesn't really make a difference to anybody.

What are you talking about?

We make good food, and good food makes people happy.

My God, is making burgers the dumbest thing we could've done with our lives?

That's it, give me that.

No more screen time for you at night.

You get yourself all worked up.

Wait-Wait, don't look at the other tabs I have open.

I mean, I mean, not mine.

Those were pop-ups.

Oh.

Oh!

Look at that.

- Bobby - Sorry.

TEDDY: So after that, I dreamt I was in a hot tub - Mm-hmm.

Mm.

- and then I woke up, and I was in a cold sweat.

You ever have that one?

- Nuh, uh, yeah, I think.

- Okay.

I'm coming clean.

I didn't really dream that.

But can you imagine how weird that would be if I did?

Hey, you guys need a hand over there?

- LINDA: No.

- TINA: We're good.

- GENE: No thanks.

- LOUISE: You stay there and chat.

Oh, thank God.

Uh, welcome to Bob's Burgers.

- Hi.

- Hi.

Uh, do-do you remember us?

I-I do not, I'm sorry.

Oh, well, I'm Connor Coloroso.

And this is Farrah.

- Hello.

- And we had our very first date here about three months ago.

Oh, uh, good.

Happy anniversary.

It's a funny story, actually.

How we met.

We got into a fender-bender down by Wonder Wharf.

Speed Racer here clipped my bumper when I was parking.

It's true, Your Honor.

And after we exchanged information, we decided to walk over here for lunch.

And I've been clipping her bumper ever since.

- TINA: Aw.

- BOB: Hm.

- That's fun.

- Well what can we get for you new lovebirds?

A couple of burgers?

Uh, actually, we came to tell you We're engaged!

- BOB: Uh that's great.

- LINDA: Congratulations.

LOUISE: I always knew you two would make it work.

Let's see that rock, girl.

Sorry, I heard someone say that on TV.

I-Is it offensive?

We have a big question to ask you, and we really hope you say yes.

Will you cater our wedding?

Us?

Cater your wedding?

Don't take this the wrong way, but don't you want your wedding to be nice?

'Course.

But we're not really into the whole traditional wedding thing, you know?

- Yeah.

- I mean, we'd love to, but we're not really set up for catering, per Se.

- Or very good at it.

- Right.

And we sometimes use our kids, which you probably might not want.

- What?

We're great.

- Oh, no, no, no, we definitely want the kids as well.

Yeah, they brought us our burgers on that first date.

I have chills.

Chills.

You should name your first baby The Belcher Children.

We really want this to happen.

Something that's meaningful to us, instead of, like, a random caterer, you know, with their chicken or their salmon.

That-That is kind of touching.

It'll be for about 50 people.

W-We could handle that.

And we're having the wedding by the water, just outside of Bog Harbor.

Oh, o-outdoors?

Uh, I guess we could borrow a couple of coolers and rent a gas grill.

Sure you can.

They could cater your wedding if it was in a ditch by the highway.

Hey, that's my wedding spot!

Don't give it away.

So, when's the big day?

A week from Saturday.

- Huh?

- What?

A-A week from Saturday?

That's not a lot of time to prep.

We're both just really excited, and we don't wanna wait.

Right.

What's the point of waiting?

Nobody gets better looking, huh?

Right, Dad?

- Louise.

- Sorry.

Oh.

So romantic.

You know what, Connor, Farrah, let's do it.

- Great!

- Yes!

Thank you guys so much.

We'll call you with all the details.

- Sounds great.

- Bye!

- They're never gonna make it.

- What?

Y-You just said how romantic this is.

What else am I gonna say in front of them?

- What do you have against love?

- Nothing!

How am I excited about this and you're not?

You love weddings.

You love all this stuff.

It's just three months isn't enough time.

People should live together for at least 20 years.

Uh, wait, what?

20 years?

Okay, fine.

But-But three months?

You haven't been in a fight yet.

And if you did, it was cute.

You haven't even smelled each other's farts.

You're still holding them in.

You farted on our second date.

Because I knew you were the one.

Sitting on my lap.

Just for the record.

You loved it.

If that's all it takes, I'm married to Dad, too.

And to a bunch of people.

My point is, we didn't get married three months after that fart.

Well, I think this is great.

The rest of us are excited for this couple, right, kids?

- TINA: Hell yeah.

- GENE: Meh.

LOUISE: No, I'm nine.

I mean, our burgers brought those people together.

It's kind of beautiful.

Bob, you're like a greasy Cupid.

Do me, do me next.

I've been trying for a long time, Teddy.

Now come on, everybody, hands in the middle.

One, two, three best wedding ever!

No one said it.

What happened?

You didn't tell us what to say.

Sorry.

"Best wedding ever" on three.

Nah, the moment's passed.

I'll do it with you, Bob.

What?

You're against this wedding.

I know, but I like to chant.

It's true.

I got her to chant, "herpes, herpes, hooray" once.

Oh, yeah, let's do that one again.

ALL EXCEPT BOB: Herpes, herpes, hooray!

Oh, my God.

Okay, this might be the most important day in our restaurant's history.

Our food helped make this wedding possible, and now it's gonna make it a success.

If the marriage tanks, is that our food's fault?

I blame the buns.

You can't blame our food if this marriage doesn't work.

They're the ones rushing into this.

The marriage is gonna work, Lin.

Carter and Farrah have a love that burns brighter than any of us can comprehend.

- Connor.

- What?

- It's Connor.

- Who is Connor?

- Carter is Connor.

- Oh.

Right.

Connor.

Anyway, the grill has a grease trap that needs to be cleaned before I return it, and since I'm gonna do most of the work today, I don't think it should be me.

- Not it!

- Not it!

- Not it!

One of you kids is doing it.

I'm not greasing up these gorgeous hands.

We'll figure something out.

(coughs)

Gene will do it.

- Bless you.

- Whoa.

Pretty windy out here.

It's almost as if God is whispering, "Three months is not long enough.

" Say it, don't spray it, God.

Linda, shh.

Here they come.

- Nothing!

- Hey guys!

Look at you.

Thank you.

I - I just said "look at you.

" I - I didn't Sorry, I-I'm nervous.

So, I know you said that whatever I came up with for the burger of the day would be fine, but I hope you like what I landed on The "Ring-Gruyère-er" Burger.

- Like ring bearer.

- Yeah.

It has Gruyère cheese and an onion ring on it.

Oh, my God, I love it!

And it comes with a side of Farro salad.

Get it?

Like Farrah, but Farro.

- Wow.

- Amazing.

Farro, Farrah.

Oh, yeah.

And I figured we'd cook over here.

I don't want to get in the way of your crew while you're setting up.

Oh, that's not a crew, Bob.

Those are all wedding guests.

We're having a very do-it-yourself wedding.

Oh, people love those.

It's DIY, but, you know, we have the important stuff taken care of.

Your burgers and Farrah's grandma's cake.

Grandma couldn't make the trip, but she baked her famous red velvet cake with cream cheese frosting for us.

My cousin drove it all the way here from Atlanta.

The lost city of Atlanta?!

But the cream cheese frosting needs to be refrigerated.

Can we put it in one of your coolers?

I guess we could, um, yeah, make some room.

Sure.

Also, uh, you're looking a little shorthanded out there.

Y-You wanna borrow my kids to help set up?

Oh, yeah, that'd be great.

Would it, though?

Kids, go be helpful.

I'll try, but geez, I'm not so good with this stuff.

Whoa!

- Louise!

- Ugh, fine.

This isn't what we signed up for.

Right?

We were just supposed to hand Dad lettuce and stuff.

Now we're chair monkeys?

It's not so hard.

We're just taking chairs and lining them up in rows.

Oh, boy.

I like posing for pictures more than most people, but you're really going to town.

Sorry, it's just everyone loves kids in wedding pictures.

That's why child weddings used to be so popular.

PHOTOGRAPHER: Nah-huh, uh-huh.

Okay, that ought to do it though, right?

(chuckles nervously)

There's gotta be some other kids around here you can photograph.

A flower girl or a tuxedo baby or something Nope!

Uh, do you guys want me to jingle my keys for you?

Huh?

Are you too old for that?

- Uh, give 'em a jingle.

- Jingle-jangle.

- Ooh, yup, I love it.

- Jingle-jangle.

(indistinct chatter)

Wow, this cake is pretty big.

Yeah, it's a wedding cake.

They're big.

That's their job that's the one thing they have to be.

I think I can squeeze this in here.

Oh thank God.

It fits.

(sighs)

We're doing everything.

Now we're cooling the cake.

Those dum-dum's didn't think anything through - Hello!

- Hey, you!

Uh, good news.

Uh, the cake fits in the cooler, no problem.

- I did it.

Linda did nothing.

- Hey.

So, the ceremony's gonna begin in a little bit.

Is it possible you guys could join us?

As guests?

It would mean so much to us.

I-I mean if you can swing it, time-wise.

Oh, uh, yes, we would love to.

Uh, thank you.

Great.

See you out there.

Wow.

Has anyone ever been a caterer and a guest at the same wedding?

- Are we pioneers?

- (gasps)

No one's ever dreamed that big, I guess.

I'm going to pretend that you're being sincere and that we are pioneers.

And we're done.

Someone's rows got pretty good there near the end.

Mine.

My rows.

What are those people doing?

Oh, they're putting something under every seat.

Oprah much?

So, uh, what's in the box?

Oh, no-no-no, don't open those, kids.

It's a surprise for during the wedding.

Ooh, you had me at "surprise for during the wedding.

" I just said it, though.

Yeah, and that's where you had me.

You've lost me now.

Oh no, no-no-no, the the photo of them river rafting.

(moans)

("Pachelbel's Canon" playing)

(phone buzzing)

- Hello?

- Bob, it's Teddy.

(quietly)

Oh, why'd I pick up?

How's the wedding going?

You have everything all set?

Yeah, we had to hurry through prep because they invited us to attend the ceremony.

- Wow.

- Which I think is, uh, about to start, so I gotta Hold on, hold on.

I wrote a toast for you.

Just in case they ask.

They might not ask, but they Teddy, I'm not gonna be asked to do a toast.

- you wanna be ready.

- I'm hanging up now.

"As a burger man, I can tell you every romance has its share of pickles and beefs.

" I, uh, did you Ge Welcome to Connor and Farrah's wedding.

Before we begin, the bride and groom asked that I thank everyone who chipped in today.

Your help is as personal to them as their childhood blankets, which adorn the wedding arch.

Farrah called hers Frankie.

"Frankie the Blankie.

" We were allowed to bring our blankies to this thing?

Now, if you will please rise.

- ("Bridal March" playing)

- (guests ooh and ahh)

Are you crying already?

It's just this is all because of our food.

They'll be telling their grandchildren about us.

(wind gusting)

Ooh, oh, geez, this wind!

When Connor and Farrah asked me to (wind breaks up audio)

all right, but the only shoes I have are sandals We'll have to wait for my fungal infection to clear up (audio out)

Sammy Davis, Jr.

- BOB: Uh-oh.

- LOUISE: Yeah.

Who would've guessed a big piece of poster board would keep blowing away?

I told you.

This is what happens when you rush into a wedding.

Oh, my face!

(wind gusting)

Is that guy flashing the officiant?

No, Tina, he's trying to block the wind from the microphone.

The bride and groom have a special surprise that they feel symbolizes their love.

If you would all look under your seats Finally.

OFFICIANT: I'm going to count to three, and we'll open our boxes together.

One, two, three.

A dead butterfly?

That's what I got, too.

Mine looks okay.

Oh, no, dead.

Oh, my God.

A beautiful cloud of butterflies to symbolize Oh, uh, anyone get a live one?

Okay, well, let's see if we can get them to fly at the same time.

Everyone, just toss your dead butterfly into the air and they'll look alive.

One, two, three.

- (wind gusts)

- BOB: Oh, God.

They can swim, probably, right?

Maybe the live ones can float on the dead ones?

And now, the bride and groom have written their own vows, which they will read to one another.

Farrah, the Oxford English Dictionary define (microphone distortion)

I can't hear.

The P. A cut out.

- FARRAH: Frankie!

- Oh, no.

Looks like Frankie's going to Hollywood.

Okay, that was, uh, well, uh, we all saw it.

It-it didn't go well.

It was bad.

- Yeah.

- Really bad.

Wait, that was the wedding?

Yes.

Which is why we have to make this the best reception ever.

Our food is what brought them together, and now it's the only thing that can possibly save this day.

Don't put so much pressure on yourself, Bob.

Yeah, cut yourself some slack, B-dawg.

Uh, the "B" stands for "Bob.

" That's you.

- Can I not be B-dawg?

- Sleep on it?

Anyway, we just need to stay focused and make sure everything goes perfectly.

- The wind blew out the grill.

- Damn it!

Bob, calm down.

Let's just move the grill behind the car.

Right, right, right, of course.

(quietly): B-dawg's freaking out.

Okay, it seems to be staying lit.

Uh, your mom and I will man the grill, you guys form an assembly line with the meat, Gruyère and onion rings.

And I need everyone focused.

Oh, my God, what are you doing?

We're onion accessorizing.

- We're fancy.

- You know what?

Forget it.

You guys go do something far away from here.

Your mom and I will take care of this.

Let's go before they change their minds, huh?

(sighs)

Okay, Bob, you can do this.

This wedding is my w*r zone And I'm the doctor in it I've got to save their special day Got to cater it to the limit Something so important Our burgers were their Cupid Got to give Farrah and what's-his-name A perfect reception To prove my job's not stupid So do I take this meat to grill just right I do Take this cheese to melt on top so nice - I do - Bob, this isn't on you That ceremony was upsetting The way those two rushed into this You'd think it was a shotgun wedding But do I take these buns to have and hold, I do All you can do is do your best-est Toast them perfect, so their love grows old, I do They are a couple of hot messes And do I swear that I won't screw this up, I do Bob, you're crazy And do I need this more than anything Do I think you've lost your mind on this I do.

Bored.

Hey, you want to see who can get in the most pictures?

How will we know who gets in the most?

Honor system?

Honor?

No.

We'll, uh, look at his camera after the thing and count them up.

What are we playing for?

Pink slips?

Let's say whoever gets in the least amount of pictures is the loser and has to clean the grease trap on the grill.

Deal.

I got this wrapped up.

There's a reason they call it photo-Gene-ic.

I'm in, too.

Your butts are about to get shuts down.

Snap, snap Grease trap Snap, snap, grease trap - Snap, snap, grease trap - (fake laughing)

Ha - Oh, God, where is it?

- What?

We're missing, like, 20 slices of Gruyère.

If we can't find it, the burger of the day won't make sense and dinner will be just one more thing that went wrong today.

I can't let this happen.

Take a deep breath, Bob.

The burgers will be delicious either way.

And you're not responsible for anything that happened today.

We're responsible for them getting married, Lin.

We're responsible for all of this.

Just because we brought these two together in some way doesn't mean it's our fault that they had a poorly planned wedding during a windstorm.

Cheese, where are you?

I mean, their relationship started with a car accident, and now it's a train wreck.

- Hi, hello.

- Not helping, Lin.

My point is nothing bad that's happened today is your fault.

Found it!

Oh Oh, God.

Uh uh!

(shouts)

- No!

- Okay, that one's your fault.

Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God.

- Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God.

- Should we leave?

The car's right here.

Should we just leave?

We'll just go.

- (groans)

- They'll send the kids home.

BOB: I k*lled it.

It's ruined.

T-This is Grandma's special cake.

The second most important thing after the burgers.

- Probably more important.

- Lin!

You're right, it doesn't matter.

- Okay, we got to tell them.

- No.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

W-We have to fix it.

W-We have to try and reshape it.

If it gets dark enough, right?

No one will notice.

Oh, who am I kidding?

I've ruined their whole wedding.

No, no, Bob, I'll do it.

You cook, and I'll try to reshape it.

I've eaten a lot of cake in my life, so, uh, hopefully, I can do it from memory.

Mm.

Oh, it's good.

- Lin.

Don't - Bob, let me work.

Ah.

Pretty sure I got this one locked up.

That grease trap has one of your names on it.

Dream on, sister.

I've been in, like, every picture he's taken.

- (camera shutter clicks)

- Um, except that one.

Okay, then.

You guys want to end it now?

- Should we could them up?

- Fine with me.

I'll call you Rizzo and you Frenchy, 'cause you're about to be in grease.

Shut your cheese flaps and get ready to clean that grease trap.

Hey, clicky fingers.

Clicky.

PHOTOGRAPHER: Uh, you guys almost done?

I-I really should be still taking photos.

Shh, shh, shh.

You're making me lose count.

Not looking good for you, Gene.

So far, Tina has the most pictures, and I have one more than you.

I thought the camera loved me.

PHOTOGRAPHER: That's it.

We're back to the first picture I took today, that's-that's all of them.

- Ha!

Gene loses.

- Wait, I'm in that picture.

What?

Where?

GENE: I'm reflected in her sunglasses.

I was trying to get her attention because I thought she was Helen Mirren.

Wait a second, that's not Helen Mirren?

GENE: Look, I'm in there twice.

I don't lose, Louise does.

- No!

- Yes.

(sighs)

I got to call my mom and tell her I didn't meet Helen Mirren.

Well, I won, as predicted.

I shutted your butts.

Should we go back and see how much grease you have to clean?

- You shut your butt.

- You shut your butt.

- No, you shut your butt!

- My butt is shut.

Mine's wide open!

- (indistinct chatter)

- MAN: Mmm, mmm.

These burgers are amazing.

Hey, save room for Farrah's grandma's cake.

- It is going to blow your mind.

- Really?

But cake's cake.

Y-You've had one, you've had 'em all.

Sometimes, you don't even want something sweet after a meal.

Am I right?

(chuckling): I mean, it's sometimes too much.

(stifled laugh)

Bob, come on, you're too much.

(laughs)

Let's get to that cake cutting.

(chanting): Cake, cake, cake, cake!

ALL (chanting): Cake!

Cake!

Cake!

LINDA (chanting): Cake!

Cake!

Lin, I thought you were fixing the cake.

Sorry, you know I can't resist a chant.

(sighs)

Well, go back and fix it.

Right.

Right, right, right.

Oh, God.

Uh, okay!

Here's the cake.

ALL: Ooh.

Okay, Linda, uh, bring it into the light.

W-We want to take a picture.

No, I'm good.

Linda, come on.

Okay.

(chuckles)

Y-You're going backwards.

- You're going backwards.

- Um Just kidding.

Ha.

Here I come.

- Oh, dear Lord.

- Oh.

Oh, no.

What-what happened to Grandma's cake?

What do you mean?

Um, it's all smushed.

What?

No, that's how it looks.

It's, uh, Grandma made it like that.

You know.

She's so old.

(laughs)

Uh, t-this is a-a joke, right?

I mean, now you'll bring out the real cake?

Ha, ha?

No.

Listen, Farrah, Carter - Connor.

- Connor.

I-I'm sorry.

I-I got myself worked up trying to make everything perfect for tonight, especially after literally everything went wrong today, so I was rushing around and I fell on your cake.

(crying): Oh, my God, oh, my God.

Everything did go wrong today.

I keep telling myself it was all okay, just one thing, here or there, but it isn't okay.

The wind blew everything everywhere.

I lost my baby blanket that I was gonna give to my children.

Poor little baby, The Belcher Children.

Louise.

And now Grandma's cake is ruined.

Is this just one big omen?

(stammers)

Of course not.

We're-We're gonna be okay.

- But what if we aren't?

- (microphone distortion)

Farrah, I'm so glad you brought that up.

Oh, God.

Look.

When you first told me you were getting married after three months, I thought you were bananas in the tailpipe.

I thought it was too short.

You haven't smelled each other's farts.

You haven't been through enough bad stuff together, I thought.

But today, you really packed it in.

The universe cut a big fart all over your wedding.

And also someone clogged up the Porta potty, which is hard.

Yeah, someone.

It was like that when I got there.

Anyway, most people would have cracked earlier, but you let it all roll off your back.

And then my extremely passionate husband fell on your grandma's cake and broke you.

"Broke" is a little But looking at you now, can I tell you something?

I guarantee you two are gonna make it.

(sniffles)

We are?

Yeah.

You are.

The way you handled everything today shows how all you really care about is each other.

And you know what else?

The cake doesn't look great, but I bet it still tastes great.

There's no dirt in it or anything, just pretend like you already chewed it!

Mmm, mmm!

Oh, it's delicious, Grandma.

(laughs)

If you don't look at it, it's fine.

Just like you guys.

Wait, what does that mean?

Oh!

No, I mean Not not that!

I didn't mean that.

But you do have mascara running down your face like a crazy clown, I'm sorry.

- My crazy clown.

- (sniffles)

Oh, you.

Now, let's try some cake, huh?

Oh, oh Mm, it's really falling apart.

(laughs)

Also, I was wrong.

There is a little dirt in it, and a salad fork.

I lost that in there when I was trying to reshape it, so look out for that.

Enjoy.

Who is this woman?

I'm the caterer, ma'am.

The caterer.

BOB: Linda, what you said before was beautiful.

I-I think you saved the wedding.

No, we saved the wedding, Bob.

We made this wedding.

Take that, doctors in w*r zones.

Yeah.

I mean, they do good stuff, too.

But not everyone can make burgers.

Hey!

It's Frankie!

TINA: Talk about a wet blanket.

- Get it?

- Too soon.

- Oh, God.

What?

Ugh, there's a dead butterfly in the cake.

- (gagging)

- Does it taste like butter?

If the answer is no, lie to me.

Oh, it's just a leaf.

Mmm, it's good.

Oh, oh (gagging)

This wedding is my w*r zone And I'm the doctor in it I've got to save their special day Got to cater it to the limit But do I take these buns to have and hold I do All you can do is do your best-est Toast 'em perfect so their love grows old - I do - They are a couple of hot messes And do I swear that I won't screw this up I do - Bob, you're crazy And do I need this more than anything Do I think you've lost your mind on this LINDA and BOB: I