05x02 - Testimonials

[bunniefuu]

So we still don't know if the raccoons have a key or if someone is letting them into the safe.

And finally, good news: Mateo's bond hearing has been scheduled.

- Oh, cool.

- Oh, cool, nice.

His aunt's bringing his lawyer by to get a statement from me today.

Remember, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.

Excellent point, but she's just providing a character testimony to help with his case.

Yeah, all I have to do is tell him that Mateo is a vital employee.

Oh, that's how they get you.

Next thing you know, they'll be asking you, "Where were you April 25th?" and you'll be like, "I don't know," and then they'll be like, "Well, then", why are your fingerprints all over this dead body?"

- Amy, please be careful.

- Yes.

Okay, I will be careful in case Mateo's immigration lawyer wants to frame me for m*rder.

- Yes.

- Also, uh Carol will be out for a few days due to personal reasons.

By personal reasons, do you mean she had a mental breakdown when she found out Sandra and Jerry got engaged?

Oh, do you think she's planning to "Gone Girl" Sandra?

I think she'd have to "Gone Girl" Jerry.

What's the one with the girl on the train?

- "The Girl on the Train. "

- Right.

Maybe she's gonna do that to Sandra.

- Put her on a train?

- Oh, man, could you imagine?

- Sorry I'm late, everybody.

- Oh!

Thank God.

We thought you were on a train.

Aww, you guys.

You got me a cake?

- No, those are yesterday's donuts.

- Oh, I thought Dina was throwing me a little engagement party, as, like, a maid of honor thing.

Dina's your maid of honor?

Who else is she gonna ask?

The old lady who spits at her on the bus?

Dina, are you throwing an engagement party?

I have an outfit.

Absolutely not.

Engagement party is not a maid of honor duty.

I printed a list from the Internet.

Or maybe you just want the party to be a surprise?

No.

I do not want that.

I'm telling you, do not expect a party.

Right.

I won't expect a party.

That's what I just said, Sandra.

Ugh.

Good luck, Jerry.

[upbeat music]

- Amy?

- Ms.

Liwanag.

- Hi.

- Hi.

This is Mateo's immigration lawyer, Richard.

Amy is the store manager who let my sweet nephew get ripped away from us, suddenly and traumatically.

Anyway, uh, thank you for getting Mateo a bond hearing.

When is he gonna be released?

It's hard to say, but it'll help if we can present Mateo as someone who deserves to be out on bond while we continue to fight his deportation.

Well, you know, Mateo is one of our most exceptional employees.

That's it?

Amy, my baby's future is on the line.

Please, don't mess this up like Mateo says you always do.

W-what?

No, I'm I'm gonna make him look good.

I prepared a statement and everything.

I was just waiting for you to swear me in or whatever.

Oh, you don't have to be under oath for this.

That's why I said "or whatever. "

Tita Irma!

Ah!

Kumusta na po?

Oh, that's right.

You two are roommates.

- Mm-hmm.

- It's been so good to have him around.

- Ah.

- Wait, anak.

- You forgot your lunch, Marcus.

- Ah.

Please don't forget to eat, huh?

I do.

I forget to eat.

Tita, what would I do without you?

Mwah.

So, do you need me to stay out of any particular area while you set up something special?

Sandra, again, I'm not throwing you an engagement party.

Not today.

Not ever.

[laughs]

Okay, whatever you say.

You know, the more you deny that there's a party, the more she's gonna think it's actually happening.

Well, that's textbook psychosis.

Why don't you just throw her one?

Look, I know you like to be everyone's manic pixie dream girl, but that's not how I live my life.

And an engagement party is clearly not on my list of duties.

It's just one extra thing.

If I start doing extra things that aren't on the list, she'll start asking for other things that aren't on the list.

Do you know how many things aren't on the list, Jonah?

Do you want me to actually answer Buying her a zoo.

Managing the zoo.

Hiring an experienced staff.

Euthanizing the giraffe when it gets sick.

Why are these all zoo-based?

So you want me to start with zoo things and then go to other topics and then switch back to zoo stuff?

Do you hear yourself?

I want the world to know I got to let it show [Donna Summer's "I'm Coming Out" playing]

I'm coming You're finally emptying Mateo's locker, huh?

You okay?

Yeah, it sucks, but he's not gonna be able to work here once he gets out of detention, so I'm just getting it over with.

Yeah.

I-I forgot my name tag, so

[groaning]

[exhales noisily]

Got it, Glenn?

Looks like you got it.

Hey, Cheyenne.

I don't want to be insensitive, but Mateo's locker's in a pretty primo spot there above the ground.

Do you think maybe I could move my stuff into it?

- Oh, yeah, I guess you could.

- Hold up.

If anyone's gonna get Mateo's locker, it should be me.

I already took his room and most of his underwear.

It just makes sense.

Yeah, but my doctor said that I'm down to my last 100 knee bends.

Hmm, well, you guys both make pretty good arguments.

Let me think about it, and then I'll pick who gets the locker.

- Fair enough.

- Okay.

Gah, I forgot my ChapStick.

And then I ended with, "Mateo's dedication to customer service is unmatched, and his work ethic is an example for us all. " Oh, did you use my line about how the flag is made up of the threads of immigrants?

Um, I just wasn't sure that it meant anything.

I told them how Mateo and I are BFFs.

Tay-Tay and Tine-Tine: the slut squad.

Wait, you talked to Richard too?

Yeah, and I said how Mateo's always serving up the tea, like when he told that lost little girl that she was better off now because her mommy was hot trash.

Classic slut squad tea.

No, Justine, we're supposed to be proving that Mateo has good moral character.

Why would you tell the lawyer that?

I was under oath.

No, you're not under oath, Justine!

Everybody knows that!

So?

What do you guys think?

Uh, what do we think of what?

I got a brand-new polo.

Can't you smell it?

Fresh out of the bag.

- Oh, yeah, for sure.

- A bag, wow.

I just thought I'd look my best because of the, um

[whispering]

Engagement party.

I can't wait to send pictures to my mom.

I even went out and bought a camera phone.

Yeah, you know what, Sandra, Dina's not You look great, Sandra.

Doesn't she's look great?

That's the perfect outfit for the party.

Aww, thank you, Jonah, you flirt.

[giggles]

Dude, what are you doing?

You know Dina's not gonna give her a party.

Yeah, I know, but I-I figured I'd just throw something together.

I mean, look how happy Sandra looks, and she has so little.

Yeah, exactly.

She doesn't expect much.

You don't tell a fish about land.

You just leave it.

You're not gonna leave it, are you?

- Nah, I'm already too excited about it.

- Kay.

And I was like, "I think I just broke my tailbone, can you pull the box off me?" 'Cause I was pinned under this washing machine.

But Mateo was too busy laughing.

That's Mateo for you.

He's got a great sense of humor.

- Hey, Eugene.

- Hey.

Um, I need you to go and scrub the walls.

You got it!

Yes!

He's fun, isn't he?

But I would strike everything he said from the record.

Yeah, I didn't write any of it down.

Besides, I already told you Mateo's great, so isn't that enough?

Honestly, right now, I'm representing a Pulitzer Prize winner, a heart surgeon that's a father of six, and a former Olympic athlete, and those people aren't guaranteed to get out on bond.

So no, sorry.

It's not enough.

What the hell is this?

I said no engagement party.

Yeah, but she seems so excited, so I just figured that maybe I would Make me look like a giant a-hole?

Um, no.

Because that's what I look like when I say "no party" and then you throw one anyway.

Well, you could still throw her one.

It's not on the list!

Jonah!

The list came from the Internet.

The International Network!

Yeah, but that's not I am the maid of honor, and I said no party for Sandra.

Yeah, gah, okay.

Yeah, I got it.

Great, no party.

Good.

Glad you understand.

Okay, Richard's having lunch, so we've got about 20 minutes to think of good things to say about Mateo.

So, what makes him special?

Oh, I like that Mateo gives zero Fs.

I also give zero Fs.

It's not unique to Mateo.

Okay, we actually need stories where Mateo gives a lot of Fs, like big Fs.

Guys, we're overthinking this.

One of us just needs to marry Mateo.

I'll do it.

Tita would be over the moon.

She's our aunt.

Marriage only works if you originally came here on a visa, which Mateo did not.

Susmaryosep!

That's like a swear in our language.

All right, well, here are some defenses that are used in detention cases: involved in community service, active organ donor.

Yes, exactly, so we just need to think if Mateo fits into anything like that.

- Ah.

- Mm-hmm.

Or we could just embellish a little.

You want us to lie to a lawman?

No!

I'm just saying, let's think of things that Mateo might do.

I mean, we don't know that he wouldn't do Habitat for Humanity.

Oh, he for sure wouldn't.

Cheyenne, work with me!

And it wasn't easy, but Mateo managed to teach those inner city kids how to express themselves, through the power of music.

Are you just telling me the plot to "Sister Act 2"?

"Back in the Habit," yes.

Which I heard is loosely based on Mateo's life.

So that's wild.

So, one time, Mateo

[coughs, snorts]

It's a funny story.

It's a true story.

Mateo can't be deported.

He was the only witness to a m*rder.

What m*rder?

Well, I can't talk about it, because the m*rder*r is in this room.

I was told I was supposed to come in here?

Sandra, this isn't your engagement party.

Uh, where was I?

- Mateo.

- Mateo.

So I forgot to mention that Mateo is donating his liver to me.

Because mine is completely destroyed.

Give that vino to me-no.

- Justine, get out.

- Okay.

No one is behind the door!

Okay, if you're gonna have the locker next to me, we're probably gonna have to talk in the mornings, so you each have eight seconds to show me how interesting you are.

Glenn, go.

Uh, okay, so, I-I was in traffic this morning Okay, I'm so sorry, Glenn, but I really don't like stories about cars.

Marcus, you're up.

My parents didn't talk to me till I was five to see if I'd learn sign language I didn't last year, I had intense stomach cramps that wound up being a spider's nest inside my body worked out great, though, got to keep the spiders and all my teeth are fake.

Time!

Yes!

In your face, Glenn.

I-I-I ate a pencil because I thought it was chocolate!

Okay, I'm listening.

Richard, this is Jeff Sutton from Cloud 9 corporate.

He is a huge deal over here.

Ah, I don't know about huge deal, but, uh, big deal, sure.

I do get to use the company car.

Once.

Drove the VP's wife to Indianapolis 'cause she was too drunk, but I got to listen to whatever I wanted to on the radio.

"Pompeii" by Bastille, anyone?

I think Jeff's testimony is going to highlight how important Mateo is to the company.

Yes, real quick, do you know if Mateo has been getting any of my messages?

Jeff.

Focus.

Okay, Amy, look, I see what you're trying to do, but I have to present actual facts, and so far, all I've got is, he's a good employee, he's sometimes nice, and he has glasses, which isn't even a thing, but I had to write something down because it was getting awkward that I wasn't writing anything down.

Anyway, look, I'm sorry, but I can't waste anymore time here.

Really, Jeff?

You couldn't just say, "Mateo is an integral part of the company"?

You had to babble on about "Bastille" by Pompeii?

"Pompeii" by Bastille.

You're showing your age a little.

Besides, this is your fault.

If you had stopped the store from unionizing like I said, Cloud 9 would have never sent ICE.

Why do people keep blaming this on me?

How was I supposed to know?

Wait, I'm sorry.

Did you say the company called ICE because you were unionizing?

I mostly said it was Amy's fault, but yeah.

ICE isn't supposed to do worksite enforcement during a labor dispute.

If you guys have proof that corporate ordered the raid, then we might have a better chance.

Proof?

Yes.

We have that.

W-we'll go get it.

Jerry.

You're here and dressy.

Uh, Sandra, I know I said the party I know, I know.

We'll make sure to act surprised.

I'm so excited.

This is my first party.

Like ever?

Wow, um okay, well, you two lovebirds just, uh, hang out.

Uh, something's a-coming.

[laughs]

And it is gonna be good.

Hey, Jerry, good to see you.

Really?

Uh, yeah.

Okay, a little corporate intel.

Neil has three assistants.

Hopefully, we get Charlene.

She's new.

She's real eager to please.

Her father just d*ed, so don't mention that.

I wouldn't.

It's fine, I'm just gonna put on my sweet and innocent voice, and bam, they won't even know what they're confessing to.

That's great, they're gonna be putty in your hands.

- Putty.

- [phone line ringing]

Neil Penderson's office, this is Gail.

Who the [bleep]

is Gail?

Shh.

Um, hi!

I'm calling from Immigration and Customs Enforcement, and I just need to verify some records.

Work it.

Just work that putty.

Uh, okay, what are you looking for?

Um, yes, it says here that we conducted a raid at your Ozark Highlands location at your behest.

- And - I'm sorry.

I'm not authorized to comment on that.

Okay, um, but I'm with ICE, so you can tell me.

[phone line clicks, dial tone humming]

Mmm.

Mmm.

Okay, I like that I can't taste any of the flavors in here.

It just tastes sweet, which, again, I like.

And this one, while the flavor isn't as good, I do appreciate the presentation.

Thank you, I chose to put the entire Snickers bar in there in case you wanted a snack after.

I could put food in there too.

I got a club sandwich in the fridge.

Actually, do you know what would go really good with this?

- Disney World tickets.

- I can do that!

I just need to get my credit card.

That's not fair.

I don't know where to get a credit card.

You know you don't have the authority to assign lockers, right?

Yeah, I'm just doing this to get stuff.

Mateo would be proud.

I know.

What do you got there, buddy?

Uh, just I just this, I just, um, I forgot my lunch today, so I thought I'd I'd have a little treat.

Well, if that's your lunch, don't let me stop you from eating it.

Oh.

Okay, uh, great, cool.

Here we go.

Yummy.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Well, you know what?

That is probably enough for me.

I am gonna save the rest of this.

We're not leaving this table until you finish every bite of your lunch.

And you better hurry.

Your break's over in eight minutes.

Mm-hmm, yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Hi, Garrett.

Hey.

Cool.

Um, so before, when you said it was good to see me, I should've told you, it's good to see you too.

Oh.

Okay.

Well, talk to you later.

When?

What?

When do you think we'll talk later?

I don't know, buddy.

Buddy.

Tell me lies Tell me sweet little lies

[Fleetwood Mac's "Little Lies" playing]

So your contact fell through?

Yeah, and I'm kicking myself, because if I had just recorded the meeting when they decided to call ICE Wait, I didn't realize you were in the room.

Well, we can just have you go on record at the hearing.

What?

Really?

Amazing!

Let's do that.

Yeah, yeah.

On the record?

Like the official record?

I mean, like, corporate could hear that I said it?

- Jeff.

- No, it's totally fine.

Totally fine.

But, you know what?

Um, yeah.

I'm not gonna do it.

[quirky music]

[low, distant chatter]

I'm really enjoying our male friendship.

Yep.

Okay.

Will you be my best man?

Um I'm sorry, I can't afford to lose this job.

I just bought a third Subaru.

How could you do this to Mateo?

Look, what if I lose my job and he doesn't get out?

I mean, then nobody wins.

Hey, Amy.

I just finished cleaning out Mateo's locker.

Should I send this stuff to his family?

I mean, I guess, if it's just a bunch of personal stuff.

Mostly gum and a few Celine Dion hats.

Wait.

What's this?

He still had this in his locker?

Yeah, he had it hung up in there.

Huh.

I didn't realize he still had feelings.

Wow, this is big, um I'll do it.

What?

- I'll testify.

- Oh, my God.

Jeff, thank God!

I'm gonna see if I can catch Richard.

- Yes!

Go, go!

- Okay, all right.

How did you find a picture so fast?

It's still Jeff's profile picture.

Should I just throw it in the trash or Yeah.

Nobody wants that.

Jonah.

You sure you don't want any?

Oh, no, I-I'm all good.

I-I-I threw up a bunch of cake a little while ago.

- Where's the wedding - Shh!

Eugene!

Shh, quiet!

A-and we only talk if it's completely necessary.

I just want to thank you.

This is better than I ever imagined.

Really?

Yeah.

[forklift beeping]

Uh Well, well, well.

Look who I caught red-handed with your pants down and egg all over your tiny, tiny, bush baby face.

Dina, you want some cake?

You just couldn't help yourself, could you?

You had to make me look like an a-hole.

- Hi, Dina.

- Nobody asked you!

Dina, I wasn't trying to make you look bad.

I just felt bad for Sandra.

Everybody feels bad for Sandra!

But I get it.

If this is what I need to do to stop you from humiliating me, I'll do it.

I'll violate the Internet.

All right, everybody, this isn't the real party.

The real party is gonna happen Saturday morning at 7:00 a.

m.

Um, Saturday's actually my day off.

And I used my last sick day today.

Oh, Jerry, no one's gonna notice if you're not there.

Now, obviously, it's mandatory for you.

Okay.

Do you need me to bring anything?

Cups would be nice.

Not plastic, though.

Glass.

Drinks.

And probably food.

People are gonna want to eat at this thing, right?

- Food.

- Yeah, maybe empanadas?

[upbeat music]

[glass shatters]

Hey, guys.

I brought some chili pepper lights to spice up the party.

That's what the package says.

Oh, you guys are eating cake already.

Sandra, look.

Mateo got out.

Hey, Sandra!

Sorry, I know this is probably all for you, but I just

[uplifting pop music playing]

Sandra, Jesus, let Mateo finish eating your cake.

Sorry, she's been turning into a bit of a bridezilla.

I mean, this is all very sweet of you guys.

Mateo, I just want to say, I am so happy this is finally over.

Thanks, but it's not over, I'm just out on bond while I go through deportation proceedings.

Yeah, well, at least you're free.

Well, I do have to wear this ankle monitor.

So not exactly free.

I once ate a pencil 'cause I thought it was chocolate.

Oh, hey, Mateo?

Would you maybe mention to your Tita Irma that I sort of, like, made all of this possible?

That would be great.

I'm literally texting her right now, so I'll just tell her.

Hey, man, I need you to go to Dollywood with me for Jerry's bachelor party.

Um, what?