04x04 - Going All the Way

[bunniefuu]

Can I have $20?

I'm not gonna just give you $20. You have to work to earn money.

I've been hanging with you all day.

Hey, I thought you were at the movies.

Oh, I was, and then Teddy texted, "Mom, emergency, need deodorant ASAP."

That's not good. Deodorant's like a parachute...

If you suddenly realize you need it, it's probably too late.

Where's my sweaty boy?

He's up in his room.

You're not gonna warn her?

Where's the fun in that?

Girl!

I just caught Teddy in his room with a girl.

And get this, she's a year older than him.

Kid's punching above his weight.

You knew about this?

Yeah, well, they're just doing homework. It's innocent.

There are blankets in there, Adam.

Do you know what blankets hide?

Of course I do. If I hadn't kept a blanket in my truck, we would've gotten arrested every time we parked for more than five minutes. Ugh.

Okay, two things: one, I'm in the room and you're grossing me out.

Okay, two, you're really grossing me out. I just wanted to say that again.

Hold on, what're you doing?

I'm getting those blankets out of there.

I'm saving my baby before he gets tangled in her web.

Would you leave them alone?

Teddy is barely a teenager, Adam, and he has a girl in his room.

That's a good point. I should go tell him I'm proud of him.

Okay, your mother and I had a talk...

You mean, she talked, you listened.

I've seen it.

Actually, this time I talked.

I explained how all of this is normal, and she promised not to yell "girl" anymore.

In exchange, you'll have to share a milkshake with her every so often.

One glass, two straws.

But if you're gonna have girls over, which... congratulations... there are rules.

Okay, first, no girls in your room with the door closed and-and no sitting on the bed.

Now, couches are okay with a two-cushion buffer.

Look, but don't touch, hmm?

Same rules as the ceiling fan.

There's no touching, we're just friends.

Hmm.

But I wish she was my girlfriend.

Teddy, wh-when you say you want her to be your girlfriend, what does that mean to you?

Well, I'd like her to sit with me at lunch.

Aw.

Save me a seat in Spanish class.

Mm-hmm. That's nice.

And next week at Jeremy's roller-skating party, I'd like to go all the way...

What?!

Around the rink with her.

You know, hold her hand during couples' skate.

Oh, o-okay, okay. Yeah, okay.

Yeah.

I just don't know how to get her from friend to girlfriend.

Oh.

Teddy, my boy, you were born to the right father.

This is like Bruce Lee's son saying he wants to learn kung fu.

Or he could just learn it on his own.

Andi. Yeah.

I've been waiting 14 years for this moment.

I didn't go through all that time from when he was born to now for nothing.

Teddy, the lessons will begin tomorrow.

Thanks, Dad.

Aw. Lessons?

The kid's got natural talent, like his father before him.

Okay? I am a well-known wooer.

Teddy is a Burns man, and he has finally found his thing.

His "thing" is what I'm worried about.

Now listen, getting out of the "friend zone" is tricky.

I've heard. It's never actually happened to me.

Hey, what's up, fellas?

Dad's teaching me about girls.

Without us?

Yes, intentionally without you.

I'm helping him turn a friend into a girlfriend.

It is not easy to do.

Take it from a guy who's been a maid of honor three times.

Don't listen to them, listen to me.

And that's just a good rule in general.

Now, any romance is a complicated operation; it requires strategic planning.

And what happens when we don't have a plan, Teddy?

We get lost, argue with Mom, and then eventually look at a map.

Orlando is a poorly designed city.

The point is, we need a plan.

No, he doesn't need a plan.

I mean, if you must get involved, at least don't teach him nonsense.

What are you doing in here?

I'm dusting, like I do.

No, you don't.

That's not even a real duster.

It came with your sexy maid Halloween costume.

Well, I'm here now, and I have something to say.

Move.

Teddy...

Teddy, relationships can't be planned.

They-they blossom naturally through chemistry.

It-It's magic, and magic can't be faked.

Literally all of magic is fake.

Don't you say that.

Look, I agree with Adam.

Sometimes being yourself isn't enough.

Oh, everyone be quiet, the divorced guy's talking.

Look, I've never had a plan, and I've had a lot of dates end with a friendly handshake.

I've walked into a lot of weddings on the arm of the best man.

We get it, you agree with me.

Go dust something.

I'm just saying that there are moments that can't be faked.

Like, when we were first dating, a waitress came to our table and she said, "You two are the cutest couple. You're perfect for each other," and that's when I knew it was right.

It was magic. Admit it.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

That was a truck blanket night. Yeah.

So, Teddy, if you want this girl to like you, just let the magic happen.

Or don't do that, and get yourself a girlfriend.

Your choice.

Sorry, Mom, I'm going with Dad.

He's no dummy.

You want to learn to cook? You come to Chef Boyardee.

Are you Chef Boyardee or Bruce Lee?

I'm dinner and a movie.

I do it all, baby.

All right, now you just need to shift the conversation from friend stuff to asking her to the skate party.

Here, we-we'll do a demonstration.

Don, you be Madison.

That makes sense.

Hey, Madison, how's it going?

Cool, cool.

Now you're grooving, so you hit her with, "Hey, are you going to Jeremy's skate party?"

I was thinking about it.

Yeah? Me, too. Hey, I just thought of something: we should go together.

Sorry, I don't date guys shorter than me.

I knew you'd ruin it. I just didn't know when.

Look, Teddy, next, we need to manufacture some magic.

Okay? Set up a situation where it looks like fate caused you to run into her.

Girls love that.

Can you get your hands on an ice cream truck?

The music will do the work for you.

I got it, I got it.

You casually bump into her while she's waiting for her parents at pickup.

Madison rides her bike to school.

Hmm, okay, uh... Oh.

How about this?

You slip out during lunch and you pop a hole in her tire.

Then you can patch it for her like I taught you last week.

I remember you showing me, but I stopped paying attention because I realized if I ever needed it, you could do it.

Fine, just let the air out of her tire, then offer to push her bike home.

During the walk, you ask her to the party.

That's great. Yeah.

Wait, what if she says no?

Ah, always remember two words, "Just kidding."

They get you out of any embarrassing situation.

Except when you try to steal a monkey from the zoo.

They count those things every night.

I'm telling you.

What's all this?

Oh, it's a celebration.

Yeah, Teddy's asking Madison out today, so I invited the guys over to share in my victory...

Teddy-Teddy's victory.

We come from a long line of ladies' men.

First me, then Donny, and now Teddy.

Well said, Pop.

There he is. How'd it go, champ?

Madison said no.

What happened? Did you push her bike home?

It was hot. Did you forget deodorant?

No, it just didn't work.

That's because it was all a setup.

You can't manufacture magic. Women can always tell.

No, snacks are for closers.

Don't worry, Teddy, we'll figure this out.

Actually, if you want to get closer to a woman, you should probably talk to a woman.

Where am I gonna get one of those? That's my whole problem.

Me, Teddy. I'm a woman.

I can, I can help you if you want.

Really? That's awesome. Thanks, Mom.

Yeah. Hold on.

What about me?

You're out. I need results.

I don't get this. I gave him solid gold material.

That's the point.

You gave him material, right? It wasn't real.

You-you call yourself this great wooer...

But you whiffed.

You're a whiffer.

He needs a woman to help him with this, Adam.

I know what women want.

Okay, if I don't know what women want, how did I get you?

That was magic.

You didn't do anything.

Oh, really?

You know, it's interesting you would say that, because you know that story about the waitress you love so much?

Mm-hmm. Yeah? Yeah.

I paid her ten dollars to say we were a perfect couple.

Manufactured magic.

And it worked. Ha!

So, the precious moment that I remember as the universe giving me a sign that we were meant to be... was a trick?

Come on. It's funny.

It's the old "you married a different guy than you thought" gag.

Hey. Uh, remember the thing I said about giving that waitress ten dollars?

Just kidding.

I'm just saying, if I hadn't paid that waitress to say we were perfect for each other, we might not even be together.

You ever think of that?

I'm thinking about it right now.

But everything worked out.

Look at us! We're in love.

What you don't get is that you didn't need to do it.

I already liked you.

Well, and I already liked you, too.

That's why I had to play all those tricks and lock it down.

All those tricks? There's more? No. Who said that?

I'm starting to question a lot of things.

Wh-Wh... What about that night in your apartment when the lights went out, so you lit a bunch of candles, and then you took your shirt off to fix it?

I cut the power.

But my muscles were real and so were my feelings for you.

Mm. Mm-hmm. And that wounded dove that you brought over to my house to nurse back to health?

Did you choke it out so I could see your soft and gentle side?

No! I would never do that.

I soaked some bread in cough medicine.

But it's still a great memory.

And that bird got the best sleep of his life.

You are unbelievable.

I know.

But you're not saying it like it's a compliment.

Mom, do you have time to talk about Madison?

Of course, honey.

Hmm.

I'll make us a milkshake.

One glass, two straws.

Hey, hey.

If you want to come back to Team Dad, I got some ideas to figure this out.

We get you and Madison in an elevator.

I cut the power. Oh.

Or a Ferris wheel, huh?

I cut the power.

I'm good.

Fine.

Wouldn't even be here if I hadn't cut the power.

I see you and Teddy have managed to pry yourselves apart for a few minutes.

He's at soccer practice.

You two were talking for a long time in his room last night.

Girl in room, door closed...

I thought that was against your rules.

Yeah, but I just assumed that rules went out the window after I found out that our relationship was based on a drugged bird.

I'm Teddy's dad.

I should be teaching him this stuff.

This is my only chance.

We have two girls and one boy.

You get to do it twice.

Fine. You can have one of the girls.

I don't want the girls! I want Teddy!

I had him first. Then you stole him!

I didn't steal him.

He chose me, because I have advice that actually works.

Let's hear your wonderful advice.

Okay. Well, he said he gets nervous talking to Madison, so I told him to send her a text explaining how he feels about her.

Open and honest.

That's what girls want.

Uh-huh. Okay. Uh-huh.

Hello.

Oh, hi.

It's Madison's mom.

She's probably calling to thank me.

We should enjoy this together. What's up, Kathy?

Your son is sending my daughter weird text messages.

If it doesn't stop, I'm getting the school involved.

Right. Well, bye... Oh. You already hung up.

Oh, my God. Getting the school involved?!

All right. Uh, where's his phone?

Uh... backpack.

Uh... Oh, boy. Brace yourself.

"I drew your face on an apple, and then I ate it."

Did you...?

You can't say that.

Listen to this one.

"I follow you on Instagram, Twitter, and secretly, on your way home."

Uh... this is bad.

Okay. Okay. Okay.

Um... uh, all right.

Katie and Emme get married, and Teddy lives with us the rest of his life.

Yeah. Yeah, that's not so bad.

It'll be like having a lonely butler.

I feel terrible for him.

We have to do something.

There is no coming back from eating her face on an apple.

You know what we need?

Whiskey. No, no, no, no.

We need some Adam Burns magic. Oh.

Your fake magic, your trickery.

I thought you hated that stuff.

Yeah, but we have to help Teddy, and-and it works, right? It worked on me.

I mean, you schemed your way into getting a woman you in no way deserved.

I am good, aren't I? Mm-hmm.

So you're not mad at me for paying that waitress anymore?

I'm choosing to believe that when she said we were the cutest couple and perfect for each other, that there was magic.

The magic of getting you, a known cheapskate, to part with ten dollars.

Yeah, she wouldn't make change.

All right, so...

So what are you thinking? Uh, well, we combine our superpowers, right?

My honesty and your man-made magic.

Right? If we work together, we can save the day.

I like it.

I think this is how the Avengers started.

Yes.

Look, we came here because we want to be completely honest.

Madison, you and Teddy were doing great, but then we got involved and ruined everything.

Yeah, we were the problem, and we're, and we're so sorry.

Do you like Teddy?

I did until people told me he let the air out of my bike tire.

That was me. I told him to do that.

And I'm the one who told him to send you super-honest text messages about his feelings.

You guys are the worst.

Yes. Thank you, Kathy.

That's what we're saying. We're the worst.

But Teddy's not.

Oh, my God.

I can't believe you two actually came here.

Leave these poor people alone.

We're just trying to fix what we screwed up.

I'll handle this.

Hey, Madison, you know me, right?

Everyone at school knows you.

You're a legend. I heard you had a party...

Uh, we don't need to talk about that.

Uh, listen.

I saw you and Teddy at our house, and I was like... and I wrote this down so I'd remember it...

"Oh, my God.

"You two are the cutest couple.

You're perfect for each other."

Really? Totally.

And if you like Teddy, I think you should go to the skate party with him.

It'll be fun.

All right, I want to go with him.

Mom?

Fine, but I'm driving both ways.

Yeah.

Oh. Yeah. Great. Great.

And-and we promise that we will never get involved in Teddy's personal life again.

Oh, by the way, you have a beautiful...

Oh. And you already closed the door.

Way to go, Avengers.

Instead of saving the world, we tricked a teenage girl, but it still feels good. Mm-hmm.

What's that?

That's the 20 bucks we agreed on.

Yeah, 20 bucks to do it, but did we settle on a price for me not telling Teddy about it?

That kid is going places.

Mm-hmm.

Adam, what's happening?

Wow. Looks like the power went out.

Right when the kids are at my folks' and I have this candle in one hand and... a bottle of wine in the other!

That's lucky.

You cut the power, didn't you?

Do you really want to know, or do you want to just enjoy the magic?

I'll take the magic.

Yeah.

Go ahead. Woo me.

I thought I just did.

I can go outside and try to catch a bird, but I got to tell you, honey, I'm not as quick as I used to be.