01x21 - The Flu

[bunniefuu]

Thank you for being a friend

Traveled down the road and back again

Your heart is true

You're a pal and a confidante

And if you threw a party

Invited everyone you knew

You would see the biggest gift would be from me

And the card attached would say

"Thank you for being a friend"

- Stand up straight.

- I am standing straight.

You're slouching.

You try to pretend you're not tall.

- You do it all the time.

- I do not.

Yes, you do.

Ever since you changed schools in the fourth grade, the kids thought you were the substitute teacher.

Girls, I did it!

I finally broke down and bought that dress I've been eyeing for a month.

I thought you were gonna wear the silk one you wore to last year's banquet.

I changed my mind.

I decided too many people would recognize it.

It is such a stunning shade of green.

The only thing they'll remember is the way you fall out of it.

Oh, Sophia!

If you asked people the color, half of them would say flesh-tone.

Sophia!

Forgive her.

Ma's a little irritable today.

She doesn't have a date for the banquet.

I'm just being picky.

The banquet dinner's a big deal.

I don't wanna go with just anyone.

Well, I don't have a date yet either.

Blanche Deveraux can't find a date?

Oh, don't be ridiculous!

My only problem is trying to decide which of my many suitors to flatter with an invitation.

After all, it's the social event of the season.

I guess you'll just have to break a few hundred hearts, Blanche.

I know.

I haven't had to disappoint so many men since Daddy tore down the tree house.

Does anyone know where the aspirin is?

Buffered, time-release, or synthetic?

Time-release, I guess.

Capsule, tablet, or liquid?

Gee, I don't know.

Don't take the one with the childproof cap.

You could die before you get it open.

What's the matter, honey?

Aren't you feeling well?

- Just a little achy, that's all.

- Achy?

What kind of achy?

Headachy, stomach-achy, back-achy, what achy?

Dorothy, relax.

It's probably just a little cold.

She'll be all right.

Yes, but I won't.

I hear a story about somebody catching a cold and I get one.

I am very susceptible.

I have low resistance.

I have a tendency to be anemic, right, Ma?

- You're a hypochondriac.

- That, too.

- Achoo!

- Gesundheit.

- Excuse me, I'm sorry.

- Stay away from me, Rose.

Will you hold still?

If you don't let me finish, I'll never get this dress ready by Saturday.

If I get near her, I won't need it on Saturday.

I'll be home in bed.

Dorothy...

Don't worry, we'll all be at that charity dinner.

This is just an allergy.

Believe me, if I were coming down with something, I'd know it.

I wouldn't risk getting the rest of you sick.

You don't have to worry about me.

I never get sick.

I take very good care of myself.

I treat my body like a temple.

Yeah, open to everyone, day or night.

Oh!

I feel hot!

I feel cold!

I feel guilty.

This is all my fault.

Oh, no, Rose.

It's all my fault.

The minute I found out you were contagious, I should have thrown you out on the street.

I said I was sorry!

Oh, I feel just terrible!

My eyes are all puffy, my nose is red, my glands are swollen.

Isn't it amazing how I can feel so bad and still look so good?

I can't believe it!

Vinnie Bataglia, the biggest jerk I know, just turned down my invitation to the charity banquet.

If he's such a big jerk, why'd you ask him in the first place?

Because he's the only guy my age who doesn't wear his pants up to his chin.

I hate that.

Personally, that never bothers me.

It just looks so painful.

- Ma, do you mind answering that?

- Why not?

Maybe I'll get lucky.

What am I talking about?

If I was lucky, I'd be shacking up with Cary Grant.

Hello, I'm Dr.

Richmond.

I'm looking for a Dorothy Zbornak?

It's a pleasure to meet you, but we were expecting Dr.

Harris.

I'm afraid Dr.

Harris couldn't make it.

His wife's having a baby.

Normally I'd be happy for her, but right now I couldn't care less.

What are you going to do for us?

Why don't you tell me the kind of symptoms you've been having.

Well, I have a fever and my throat is sore and my stomach is upset and I keep having this recurring dream where I'm being chased by a giant Listerine bottle.

And when I open my mouth to scream, all I can do is gargle.

Ah.

Are you experiencing the same symptoms?

Yes, except in my dream, I'm chased by a bottle of Scope.

Well, let's have a look at you, hm?

This is the first time a female doctor's ever examined me.

Feels kind of strange.

I hear that a lot.

You know, the truth is, despite the progress that women have made, medicine is still a man's world.

So, if it'll make you feel any better, I used to be a man.

- What?

- Just a little female doctor humor.

All right, so what's the verdict?

Well, ladies, the flu is going around.

I'm afraid you've all got it.

I told them that two days ago.

Tell them something new for $ .

How long is it going to last?

hours?

?

- We're talking at least a week.

- A week?

But we have to go to a banquet Saturday night.

Can't you give us a pill or something?

Sorry, ladies.

You're just gonna have to wait this one out.

Now, drink plenty of liquids, get lots of rest, and if you're not better by Monday, give me a call.

Oh, I can't believe it!

If modern science can come up with cinnamon dental floss, why can't they cure the flu?

Modern science is overrated.

Sometimes, home remedies can work a lot better.

You know, Sophia, you're absolutely right.

When I was a little girl, Mama used to rub eucalyptus oil on our necks and then tie a sock around to keep it warm.

It cleared your sinuses up just like that.

My mother always used to sing to us.

And make us gingerbread men.

Really, Rose?

I think Michael DeBakey does that before surgery.

In Sicily, we never went to the doctor.

We went to the Widow Caravelle.

Whatever you had, she had a cure.

She was best known for this green salve she used to make to treat ear infections.

One day, she gave a batch to Salvador, the village idiot.

He misunderstood the directions and put it on his linguine instead of in his ear.

I guess if you're an idiot with a hearing problem, you do things like that.

As it turns out, it wasn't such a bad thing to do.

The stuff tasted great and Salvador decided to market it.

At first, it didn't move so well.

Linguine With Ear Salve on a menu doesn't look too appetizing.

But once he changed the name to pesto sauce, it moved like hotcakes.

Ma, you're making this up!

So what?

I'm old, I'm supposed to be colorful.

Dorothy, where's my heating pad?

How should I know?

If this isn't it, I'd like to know what other electrical appliance you're using under that blanket.

You can't have it.

I need it.

My chest is congested.

What about my chest?

It needs heat, too.

I don't care about your chest.

I just care about my chest.

Well, you're the only one who does.

OK, Dorothy, slip this on.

Forget it, Ma.

I don't have the strength to stand up.

If you don't try it on now, I can't finish it by Saturday.

Who am I kidding?

I'm not gonna be able to go to that banquet.

None of us is.

We won't be better by then.

Fine, can I have your date?

Of course, Ma.

You can have my date, my dress, and my dessert at the dinner.

Just leave me alone with my thermometer and the one nostril I can breathe out of.

Great news, girls!

I found my folk medicine book.

It has a cure for everything.

I hope it has a cure for crankiness.

A lot of that going around.

Cranky, cranky, cranky.

Would it be under anything else?

- Try Dorothy.

- Try Blanche.

Oh, come on, girls.

Now, let's put on a happy face.

We'll get better much faster.

My cousin Dennis was the perfect example of that.

When he was years old, he caught his sideburns in the hay baler.

- And then...

- Shut up, Rose.

Well, excuse me.

I didn't realize it was g*ng Up On Rose Day.

I have been cooped up listening to your stupid stories for three days now.

You're just lucky it isn't String Rose Up From a Tree Day.

I'm not gonna let you two Gloomy Guses rain on my parade.

I'm just gonna keep on smiling.

Rose, you're sick as a dog!

How can you be so disgustingly cheerful?

It's my folk medicine book - it has the most wonderful Hot Toddy recipe.

Here, taste.

Rose, this stuff should have an octane rating.

I know!

Must you do that?

She can't help it, Blanche.

She has to blow her nose.

Or is that a banana?

You miserable...

Oh, would you two knock it off.

It's time for Another World.

You can't watch Another World.

- Why not?

- Because you watched it yesterday.

That's exactly why I have to watch it today.

To find out what happens.

That's why they always say, "Stay tuned for the continuing story of Another World. " Too bad, Blanche.

Today it's my turn to choose.

And we are not watching Another Worldl Oh, you are undoubtedly the meanest sick person I've ever met!

Not to mention the most unattractive.

Girls, why do we have to watch TV anyway?

There are plenty of other fun things we can do.

We can play cards, listen to records, bake cookies.

Now, we can't let this nasty flu get us down.

It's bad enough we have to miss the banquet, must we also participate in a Girl Scout Jamboree?

I was just trying to be kind, courteous, helpful...

Well, knock it off!

I've had it up to here with your cheerful disposition.

Oh, do you think it's easy to be cheerful around you two?

You know how many of these stinking Hot Toddies I have to drink to keep on a happy face?

I'm not gonna do it anymore.

I'm not speaking to either of you!

And I'm not speaking to you, either!

- Me neither!

To either of you!

- Fine!

- Fine!

- Fine!

Great news!

I got a date!

Well, excuse me for trying to have a life!

Do we have any orange juice left?

No, we're all out.

All right, I want an answer and I want it now.

Which one of you has been dipping into my Vicks VapoRub?

I took it.

And my chest was already completely coated!

I did it out of spite because you lost the pre-measured cup off my Nyquil.

Rose, I took your stupid cup.

And do you know why?

Because I feel lousy, and being mean to you makes me feel better.

Dorothy Zbornak!

You can go straight to H-E-double hockey sticks!

Double hockey sticks?

Oh, what language!

My ears are burning!

Rose Nylund, you know what you are?

You are an A- , first-class, all-around nerd!

Oh, honey, I didn't mean that.

I'm sorry.

Oh!

It's just this flu is making me crazy!

Oh, it's gotten to all of us.

Do you know that we have been at each other's throats for two days?

I've been the worst.

I hope you two can forgive me.

Oh, girls, let's make a pact.

Let's promise we're gonna help each other get through this mess.

Would I be too big a nerd if I asked for a group hug?

- Oh!

- Oh, honey, of course not.

- What are you doing?

- We're having a group hug.

Knock it off.

The neighbors will get the wrong idea.

By the way, I just called Harriet McConnell to cancel your reservations to the banquet.

Oh, thanks, Ma.

She was very disappointed you all aren't coming.

And I think it's because one of you won the big award.

You mean the Best Friend of the Friends of Good Health Award?

- Yeah.

- Why, what'd she say?

It wasn't what she said, it was what she didn't say.

What didn't she say?

How the hell do I know?

She didn't say it!

I read between the lines.

I wouldn't be one bit surprised if you won that award.

You know, I think you're right, Blanche.

Why, sure.

You took part in the walkathon and the bikeathon and the telethon.

And the marathon, but who keeps track?

Oh, Blanche, I think you have a better chance of winning that award than I have.

I think you have a point there, Rose.

Why sure.

You worked with the senior citizens, you put in time at the daycare center.

And you were the volunteer dummy for the firemen's CPR class.

And don't forget, that program was my idea, too.

O, maybe you're right, I might have a small chance.

After all, besides you, who else is there?

(clears throat Dorothy, please, why don't you use your handkerchief?

Doesn't anybody remember all the good work that I have done?

Not really.

I was co-chairman of the committee to raise funds for the new blood mobile.

I sold cases of peanut brittle!

You really think selling candy's gonna qualify you for that prestigious award?

Oh, excuse me.

I didn't realize that slipping my tongue to half the firemen in the county was a more lofty social achievement.

Well, I guess that settles it.

I guess I won the award.

I'm gonna go to that banquet.

I'm gonna call my date.

Honey, if you can get a date the way you look, you deserve that award.

Why don't you call your date, too?

I would just love to have you there so you can eat your heart out when I accept the award.

Oh, don't worry.

I'm gonna be there.

Because I'll be the one accepting the award.

if you're both going, I'm going, too.

I have just as much chance of winning as you do.

You have done some good work, Dorothy.

But not enough people like you.

Sorry.

Ma, what do you think?

Do I have a chance of winning?

Absolutely.

As long as they don't add a swimsuit competition.

Doesn't she have the most adorable little sneeze?

It's OK, I didn't want my salad anyway.

- I'm sorry.

- Sucret?

Oh, no, thank you.

I'm still sucking on a Smith Brothers.

Well, good evening, everybody.

Ladies, you're certainly looking...

never mind.

Where's your date, Blanche?

Oh, he'll be along.

Never fear.

In plenty of time to see me win the Best Friend of the Friends of Good Health Award.

Blanche, you must still be running a fever.

You're hallucinating.

I am going to win that award.

Ha-ha-ha!

I'm sorry we're late, but we couldn't find the table.

But then I recognized Dorothy's hacking.

- Everybody, this is Raoul.

- It's a pleasure to be here.

Well, looks like we're all here.

Oh, there's my date now.

Why, he must be lost.

I'll just go get him and bring him over.

Tell me, where are you from, Raoul?

It's a pleasure to be here.

Raoul doesn't speak much English.

Ma, where did you meet him?

He owns a flower shop next to the dog track.

I won big yesterday, so I figured I'd treat myself and rent him a tuxedo.

- You having fun, Raoul?

- It's a pleasure to be here.

He kills me.

Everybody, I want you to meet my friend, Tommy Cochran.

Sit down, Tommy.

Tommy's a writer.

According to the New York Times, he is the most exciting new novelist to come along since Mr.

Norman Mailer.

We met in the park last week.

I was sitting there, reading Tommy's latest book and he came over and offered to autograph it for me.

We've just been inseparable ever since.

Hey, Cochran!

What are you sitting with the guests for?

It's time to serve the main course!

You want me to come back after dessert?

No.

- Do I have to give back the $ ?

- Yes.

I don't think that's fair.

Then give me ten and get out of here.

Well, what are y'all looking at?

All right, maybe I don't have a date.

Maybe my date took one look at me and said he'd rather die than be caught in public with me.

And maybe he's right.

Maybe I do look awful.

But think about this - I still look better than either one of you!

And so, after I threw up, I pass out in this tattoo parlor, right?

When I come to the next morning, just stinking to high hell, and I look down and I've got this scorpion tattooed on my belly.

But it's nice work.

You wanna see it?

No!

Where did you find him?

He's disgusting.

Well, at least I have a man.

Have one?

Sounds like you swallowed one.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention, please?

It's time to present the Friends of Good Health's Best Friend of the Year Award.

But before we go any further, I have an announcement to make.

Don Johnson, star of Miami Vice.

who was originally scheduled to be here, will be unable to attend.

However, the producers of the show were kind enough to send over the clothes that he was planning to wear here tonight.

Girls, before she announces the winner, I just wanna wish you both the best of luck.

What harm could it do?

'Cause I'm gonna win the award.

Why don't you just shut up?

- Why don't you just shut up?

- Why don't you both just shut up?

And now, for the moment that you have all been waiting for.

The winner of the Best Friend of the Year Award is...

...Miss Sophia Petrillo.

All right!

I'm very proud to win this award.

Who would have guessed an old lady with a tin can could raise so much dough?

I would like to thank you all for choosing me to be the Best Friend of the Year.

I'm a very lucky woman.

Not only do I have a lot of friends in this community, but I have a lot of good friends at home.

Friends who care about me and care about each other.

I count my blessings every day, because I have the kind of friends who stand by you through the bad and the good.

When you're lucky enough to find that kind of friendship, I guess you just want to pass it on.

Wait.

May I say a few words, just to my friends and over?

I'd like you to take a good look at your dates for this evening.

Now take a look at mine!

Stand up, Raoul!

The man is half my age.

Isn't he gorgeous?

Let's give us both a big hand!

Girls, girls, I am so sorry.

Oh, so am I.

Let's make a toast to friendship.

All to friendship.