"Cheers" is filmed before a live studio audience.
Morning, Sammy.
Norm! What brings you in this time of day?
Same thing that always does.
It's a little early for a beer, isn't it?
So float a cornflake in it.
Beer it is.
Seriously, how come you're here this early?
My supervisor got sick.
Had to go home early.
So he left me in charge of the office.
So, uh, I closed it.
Say, you know, thought I'd stop by here, have a few beers, and figure out what to do with the day.
After all, I have 24 golden hours to spend on norm Peterson.
Any suggestions?
If it was me, I'd be out there sailing.
Perfect weather, waters won't be crowded.
I get seasick though.
I don't know.
Well, you could always go to the driving range and work on your slice.
Nah. I don't have my clubs with me.
How about checking out that gym you've been putting off joining?
Not in the mood for sweat, you know?
Also you could set up that workshop in your garage.
I'd have to clean it all out first. It's a mess.
Well, norm, you could sit here all day sh**t down my ideas and drinking beer.
Wait a minute. Oh, I think we're onto something here.
What do you say, put a head on this thing, and let's hear some more of those suggestions.
Ok, let's see. How about skydiving?
Nah. Mess up my hair.
♪ Makin' your way in the world today ♪
♪ takes everything you've got ♪
♪ takin' a break from all your worries ♪
♪ sure would help a lot ♪
♪ wouldn't you like to get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you wanna go ♪
♪ where everybody knows your name ♪
♪ and they're always glad you came ♪
♪ you wanna be where you can see ♪
♪ our troubles are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna be where everybody knows your name ♪
♪ you wanna go where people know ♪
♪ people are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna go where everybody knows your name ♪
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Ooh, there's a lovely young thing, huh?
Perhaps I should just go make my move.
Yeah. Go ahead and faint.
All right. Ha ha ha.
Look, some of you people have got the impression that I'm a little inexperienced in the ways of love.
How many women do I have to conquer to forever lay to rest this misconception?
One.
All right, all right, I wasn't going to do this, but look what I got in the mail this morning.
Normie, what does that say?
"Inflatable surprises catalogue."
Yeah, my mother sent away for it.
She likes to play tricks on the cat.
No, that's the one I was looking for.
Go ahead, what's the name on there?
Lynette cayhill, the orange blossom motel.
Whoa, cliffie, who's this?
Well, just some damsel down in Florida who I had a doomed, but delightful affair with while visiting.
Poor thing, she just keeps begging me to come back to her.
Clavin, we're not falling for any of this.
Why don't you guys believe that cliff had a little affair in Florida?
I believe him.
I mean, she could have been drunk, blind, just out of prison, you know.
Thank you, norm.
Carla, you got a customer over here.
Oh, yeah? Thanks.
Ahh!
Carla? Honey, what is it? Is it the baby?
The baby! Hot water, Sam, boiling water!
What's going on?
What happened?
It's... it's her. The evil one.
Where? What?
Over there. Table five.
Oh. The little old lady?
Drusilla dimeglio.
She was the principal of St. cletes school for wayward girls.
Ooh.
And we all hated her guts.
She used to do these mean, spiteful things to us.
I swore vengeance on her, but she retired before I could do anything.
Now, 20 years later, there she is!
It's been 20 years, are you sure it's her?
Well, there's one way to make absolutely sure.
She has my teeth Mark on her left ankle.
Go check it out, Sam.
Ok. All right.
What am I going for?
Well, I can't do it.
She'll recognize me, and then I'll lose her.
Come on, Sam, you got to do this for me, please!
I will, will! But why don't I just go over and ask her name?
That would arouse suspicion.
Crawl over there and look at her ankle.
Oh. Much better.
No, I am not going anywhere.
Go wait on her yourself.
All right, I will.
You all just watch and see what happens when she gets a look at me.
Hey...
Oh. What will you have?
I'll have gin and grapefruit juice.
Oh, Sam!
She doesn't recognize me!
That means I can take my time and work out my plan for revenge.
She did have a Mark on her ankle?
Mark, schmark! It must have healed.
I'm gonna think of something slow and hideous.
I have a suggestion, Carla.
What? Do nothing.
With the body?
No! No, I'm telling you to turn the other cheek.
Oh, Sammy, mooning her isn't enough.
I want to hurt her!
Sam, we haven't had any heat for hours.
I'm freezing. You're the bartender.
What can you recommend for me that's nice and hot?
Speaking.
Must you inject sex into even the simplest of conversations?
Well, I didn't want you to go completely without it while you're in Europe.
I want for nothing in Europe.
I'm sure that's what you're getting.
You know what I mean.
In fact, I think I see my schussing hunk skiing down the mountain right now.
Yes, that's frasier.
He's able to ski right down to the back door of our chalet.
Sam, listen, I have to go.
I'll call you right back, ok?
[Applause]
[Cheering]
Thank you, thank you, good people of the alps.
Bravo, bravo!
Thank you. Hey, that's quite a hill, isn't it?
Oh, you were magnificent!
Magnificent!
That was exhilarating!
It worries me though.
These risks you're taking.
Oh, Diane, you know, some men live their lives avoiding danger.
Frasier w. Crane seeks it.
Oh, frasier.
Here, let me put these away for you so we can both get off our feet.
Now you just relax and make yourself comfortable.
Tonight is your night.
That's the spirit!
The capper was when we glued sister scholastica's feet to the radiator.
Who could forget the frying nun?
Oh, god. Those were the good old days.
Life was simple then.
Yeah.
By the way, you two started packing it away at lunch when I said I was paying.
And me and the kid over here were just trying to keep up with Kathy and her quadruplets.
Oh, please, don't even say it.
I've already got six more than I can handle.
You have only five kids.
I'm including my husband al, who, if he touches me again, is dead.
Four mugs and a pitcher for me and my pals from St. cletes.
You know something, I envy all of you.
Sure, I'm the one with the education, the money, and the great career, but I'd trade my electrolysis license in for a family.
Mine's available.
By the way, I can get rid of that little fu manchu you're starting there.
Whoa!
[Whistles]
The man of my dreams!
Mm-mmm! Whoo!
Sorry. Sam, I can't take them anywhere.
That's all right.
Four beers for the l*nch m*b.
Hey!
Oh, I'm sorry.
I don't mean to ruin your wonderful little surprise. There.
Don't go away! [Whistles]
So, Casanova, gotten any new letters from your Florida conquest?
Well, as a matter of fact, I did receive one today.
Each one gets more heart-rending than the last.
This one, she tells me she'd give it all up just for my kiss.
She must mean her lunch.
All right, wise guy...
Come on, come on, let's go sh**t some pool.
Yeah, that's a good idea, normie.
You guys are just lucky I used up all my aggressive male hormones with frequent sex.
Hey!
Hey, roxy!
All right! Hey!
Ok, Carla, we're all here.
Now you can tell us what this is all about.
Well, ladies, I'm really glad you're all sitting down, because you're not going to believe this.
I didn't believe it myself.
I found...
Dimeglio.
Dimeglio? You mean our principal from St. cletes?
Oh, I heard she passed away.
Hell wouldn't take her.
She comes into this bar every night at 7:00, sits at this table, and has a gin and grapefruit.
And she will be here again tonight.
So what?
So what? This is our chance to get her, to pay her back for all those lousy things she did to us.
Carla, that was 20 years ago.
We were just girls.
But we took an oath that we'd get her.
Don't you remember?
She's coming! All right, everybody get behind the bar.
Carla! Get behind the bar!
Sheesh! Ok! All right.
Don't worry about it. All the old hate's going to come back as soon as you get a look at her.
Just go ahead, come on, hurry up.
Hey, ladies...
Get down! Come on!
Uh, hi.
Hello.
Would you mind taking this table?
'Cause this one's taken.
Oh, sure. Mm-hmm.
So what are you gonna have?
Oh, I'll have a gin and grapefruit juice.
One gin and grapefruit.
Coming u... ooh!
He liked your order.
And I'm gonna get it.
Now what do you think?
Carla, that's not her.
She was a lot taller.
She wasn't taller. We were shorter.
I don't think so, either.
She was two times as big as that.
So what? So she lost a little weight.
She's wearing contacts instead of glasses.
That's her. I swear it!
It's been a long time, but I don't think it's her either.
What if it is? Who cares?
Get down! I care!
All right. If you don't want to help me, I'll get her without you.
Fine. 'Cause I don't want any part...
Go ahead, desert me! Just stay down there.
Because I don't want her to see you.
You'll ruin everything.
What are we supposed to do back here until she leaves?
Find some way of amusing yourselves, ok?
Ok.
Ooh! No! Jeez!
No, it's been crazy around here.
Carla's been moping around all night because none of her old school chums will back her up on this.
And you know Carla, she's got so much bottled-up anger, I'm afraid she's gonna hurt someone.
And without you here, I'm next in line.
Oh, Sam, it would never come to that.
Carla has a means of dealing with anger that's very effective.
She vents it constantly in small doses to prevent a build-up that might erupt in v*olence.
It's a technique that many hot-tempered, uneducated people evolve instinctively.
And though it's rather primitive, it is nearly as effective as more sophisticated techniques cultivated and employed by better-educated people with gentler temperaments...
Stop that, damn it!
Please, darling, just until I'm finished.
Certainly, dearest heart.
Thank you, love of my life.
Sam, I'm sorry. What were we...
What was I saying?
You don't know, either?
Well, we got to have a rule around here.
When you speak, at least one of us has got to be listening.
Give my best to frasier. Bye-bye.
Bye.
Well, may I proceed with my labor, or would my precious like to perform the onerous task of getting some heat in this place?
No, no. Please finish...
My reason for living.
You spoiled little conniving...
Treasure.
Two beers, please, Sammy, one for me and one for my buddy cliff.
You recall cliff, the fellow who's in the John without this.
Ooh.
The latest letter from his Florida flame, huh? Mm-hmm.
Fell from his pocket while we were sh**ting pool.
What a shame. You know, we should get that back to him as soon as possible.
And indeed, we will, Sammy, just as soon as he gets out here.
In the meantime, I think it's imperative that we hold the letter thusly.
Why is that?
Because if you were to hold it the other way, say, likeso, it's an accident waiting to happen.
Witness!
Hmm!
You know, I think we got a problem.
The trick is gonna be to get that letter into this envelope without reading it.
Mmm. Well, I'm game.
Yeah? Go on. Give it a shot.
Ah. Oh. No.
It no longer fits, Sam.
Going to have to read this.
"Dear Mr. Clavin, this the last letter I will send to you.
"If you don't respond, "I will turn the entire matter over
"to my attorney.
"I will wait one week
"for you to pay for or return the towels, "ashtrays, light bulbs, doorknobs, "and shower curtain assembly, including rod, "missing from your room.
Lynette cayhill."
Aw, jeez, the poor guy.
I was kind of hoping he wasn't blowing hot air this time.
Interesting reading?
Huh? Huh?
Uh... i'm... I'm sorry.
I'm more sorry.
Hey, guys, norm has the letter.
Hey, Steve, Larry, norm has the letter!
All right, just knock it off.
Normie, is that as hot as cliff says?
Come on, let's read it.
Come on. Yeah.
No, no. "My, uh", "my dearest cliff..."
Well, uh, if you must.
"I want you.
"I want you."
"I want you."
"You are burning in my heart like, uh..."
Like, uh?
I can't make this out.
Can you, Sam?
It's, uh... Volcano.
Volcano.
Volcano. Right.
"I think of you at night when I go to bed
"and in the morning when I wake up, and I dream about you in between when I'm sleeping..."
"Admittedly when most people dream.
"You're quite a man all right, "and that's for darn sure.
"And, uh, you satisfy every hunger that I have as a woman."
"Respectfully yours..."
"Lynette cayhill."
Norm, norm, norm, read them the p.S. There where she talks about my sexual prowess in detail.
I can't quite make that part out, cliffie.
That's all right.
I'll help you out there.
This word here is gargantuan.
I think they've all seen quite enough.
What the heck.
It was very nice.
Good night, you guys.
God bless you, guys.
Later.
Normie?
Yeah.
I don't know how to thank you for this one.
I'm just sorry I opened it in the first place.
Come on, I'll buy you a burger, huh> listen, uh... Sammy, there's one way you could make it up to me if you want.
Yeah? What's that?
Read me the letter again.
You know, the spicy parts.
"My dearest cliffie, I want you. I want you."
[Piano plays]
You ok?
I just can't believe they didn't recognize her, Sammy.
I didn't think anybody would ever be able to forget that woman.
You're gonna have to face facts here, Carla.
Nobody recognized her because that's not the woman.
Oh, but, Sammy...
Carla, come on, she didn't have any scars on her ankles.
Well, that doesn't mean anything.
A lot of criminals have their ankles altered...
So they can wear Bermuda shorts.
You're ranting, you know that?
Really, you're sounding irrational.
You're beginning to scare me.
I think you ought to take a serious look at yourself here, Carla.
Yeah, maybe you're right.
What were you going to do if it had been her?
Well...
I had this storybook fantasy when I was a little girl about someday coming up behind her and shaving her head.
Well, I'm glad it turned out to be somebody else for everybody's sake.
I guess.
Oh, boy.
Look at that, will you?
I'm late.
Oh, you've got a date?
Well, I know you don't like to keep them waiting.
Go ahead. I'll clean up.
Aw, thank you, Carla.
I thank you, and Debbie thanks you.
I think you're going out with Janet tonight, bean brain.
Oh. Well then, Janet really thanks you.
I wanted her as much as you did.
Oh, good. Someone's here.
It's her.
Can I help you?
I think I dropped my wallet here somewhere.
Oh, let me find it for you.
Oh, I got it.
Oh, thank you.
Not so fast.
I have to be absolutely sure about this, you know.
What's your name?
Drusilla dimeglio.
Drusilla dimeglio.
Oh, thank you.
Do you believe in fate, drusilla dimeglio?
Well, I... Never thought about it.
Well, why don't you sit down, and we'll have a little talk about it.
I think you'll find it interesting.
Well, I'm kind of in a hurry.
Ah, one chair, no waiting.
Ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha!
Who's back there?
Hey, Sam, is that you?
Carla?
Hey, what's going on?
I was driving by, saw the lights still on.
Weren't you going to close up?
Sam, you're not going to believe this. What?
After you left, I was sitting here all by myself, and guess who should walk in?
Drusie.
Drusie?
Yeah. Drusilla dimeglio.
Carla, bring me another beer, will you?
Coming up, druse.
She's back there right now?
Yeah. We've been playing pool all night.
We're tight, Sam.
So it is her?
Oh, yeah, it's her all right, but you know something, Sam, after I told her how much I hated her, she explained to me why she was always so tough on me and everything.
She was just doing her job, and maybe I'm a better person for it.
Anyway, we're pals now.
I can't believe this.
I'm so proud of you.
Why, this is a turning point.
Maybe we've seen the last of that tasmanian devil of a waitress.
Carla, bring some more pretzels, too.
All right. Right away.
I can't believe that's the same woman whose head you were about to shave.
Yeah, I almost went through with it, too.
I mean, I came that close, and I could have done it easy, Sammy.
I mean, she's not as young as she used to be, but, uh, I stopped.
God was testing me, Sam, and I passed.
Hello there.
Come on, Carla, it's your turn.
Yeah, I'll be right with you.
I didn't say I got an "a", Sammy.
I just said I passed.
Rack them up!