Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Oh, brother. These phone bills are sky high.
I've got to find a new long-distance carrier.
Let me see, do I go with one that charges by the mile or the time of day?
Why don't you just use the system that we all use.
What is it, sprint? Mci?
No, it's, uh, cheers' phone.
Really, ma? That's... hey, hold on.
You know, it's 12:00 in Tokyo.
Is that yesterday or tomorrow?
Cliff.
I left a quarter. Anyway...
Sorry. Somebody was talking to me here.
♪ Sometimes you wanna go ♪
♪ where everybody knows your name ♪
♪ and they're always glad you came ♪
♪ you wanna be where you can see ♪
♪ our troubles are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna go where everybody knows your name ♪♪
Whoa!
What is it, Carla?
You look like a large-mouth bass.
A very fetching large-mouth bass.
Sammy's talking to Darryl mead of the Boston Red Sox.
I've been thigh-struck over that guy for five years, especially in '88, when he led the league in tight-fitting pants.
To know you're the best at something... what an honor.
Go after him. Go meet him.
I would love his autograph.
Maybe I can get him to sign my breast.
That should complete the lineup card, then.
For whatever reason, I'm really hitting the ball a ton lately.
You're not dragging the bat barrel.
You're waiting on the breaking pitch.
Wow. If you say so.
Pleased to meet you.
Maybe I ought to introduce you.
Darryl, this is Carla lebeque.
She's a very big fan.
Up you go.
There you are.
Maybe I should go get you a beer, huh?
Why don't you go to Germany to get one.
You seem to know a lot about baseball, Carla.
You remind me of my first hitting coach.
Bet I look cuter in black underwear.
Yeah, but he could probably spit tobacco farther.
Don't count on it.
Listen, Carla, you want to call me later?
We can go out and have some dinner.
Are you kidding? I'm there.
Wait a minute. I can't go. Damn.
Why not? Got to work?
No. I don't want you to think any less of me, but I'm married.
Why should that stop you?
Sheesh, you're a pig.
Now I really wish I could go out with you.
Just in case.
I don't know when a paper cut felt this good.
I'll see you, Sam.
Thanks for the tips, Carla.
I hope I hit a home run tonight.
I swear, if I was single, you'd have hit one already.
This is bad.
This is r... I shouldn't have this.
I should not have this.
Rebecca... Uh-huh.
This paper is my ticket to eternal damnation.
So would you do me a favor?
Put it in the safe and never give it to me, no matter what I say, no matter how much I beg, do not give me this piece of paper.
Let me just make sure I gave you the right one.
I told you never to give me this!
I can't believe this!
I mean, the guy with the best buns on the Red Sox asked me to go out with him, and I have to say no.
It's not fair, I swear.
I get all the disadvantages of being married and none of the perks.
Wait. There are perks?
She's just talking.
Eddie's on the road with the ice show for months at a time.
The money he sends back is a joke.
Yes, I guess the ice show craze in america never really recovered from the loss of frick and frack.
He's never home to help out with the family.
All that would be fine...
If I could just visit him for a few bed sprints once in a while.
I don't even get that.
You're being too tough on him.
No, I mean it really.
He doesn't care or pay attention.
Carla, it's for you. Some guy from the ice show.
Case in point, Sammy, I know exactly what that call is.
Tomorrow is graduation.
It's the most important day in annemarie's life.
Or is it serafina?
Uh, one of the older kids.
Anyway...
Eddie's probably having someone call with some lame, stupid excuse why he can't show up.
All right. What's his excuse?
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Right. Well, these things happen.
Can't go to graduation, huh?
No, he can't.
What's the excuse?
He's dead.
Huh. That old one.
What's the problem?
Eddie's dead.
It was a freak accident at the ice show.
Happened real sudden.
They were cleaning the ice with that big machine after the penguin salsa number.
One of the penguins slipped, fell in front of the machine.
Eddie dived just in time, pushed the guy out of the way.
He never felt a thing.
Honey, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
Yeah.
Oh, looks like table five's ready to order.
A lot of people just remember Eddie as a big, fat, wobbling penguin on the ice show, but before that, he was quite a goalie.
Yeah, Sam, I remember that night against the maple leaves, he stopped, like, 40, 50 sh*ts on goal.
I mean, counting 10 that got past him that's one night's work, isn't it?
But you got to give the man his due.
He was one hell of a penguin, too.
I wonder how many of us would give up our lives to save a fellow human being?
Time to close up.
We can do that, Carla.
No, no. It's my night to clean and wash.
Carla, let me just drive you home.
Why? There's nothing I could do.
I'm going to close up. Woo!
You know, along the lines of what doctor crane was saying before, how many of us, when faced with the loss of a loved one, would stay and close up?
She is something.
I think she's still in shock.
Maybe I should take the initiative and speak with her.
Many of us when faced with having to talk with someone who's lost a loved one take the initiative...
Woody.
Shut up.
There's my answer.
Carla, different people deal with the loss of a loved one in different ways.
A such, your stoic behavior is quite understandable, but studies in human behavior tell us that we need to grieve.
Until we do allow ourselves that emotional release, we can never really get back on the course of life.
You see, some people hold in their grief for literally years and years.
All they accomplish is to prolong the grief and the agony, casting a pall over their own remaining days on this earth.
Oh! Oh, mommy!
Mommy, why you?
Oh!
So we, the friends of Edward lebeque, silently, each in his own way, bid him good-bye, secure in the belief...
That he will live in eternal peace.
I think this is a nice service.
You've been to a lot of them, wood?
What do you mean, Sam?
Just from the size of your family and all the unfortunate things that seem to happen.
No, no, you've got that wrong.
Very few of those people were k*lled, just maimed.
I had an uncle who lived to be 103.
He had both ears till he was 101.
Carla...
Carla, it's good to cry.
It's cleansing.
Try.
At this point of the service, I would like Mrs. Lebeque to kindly step forward.
I'm sorry. I meant his wife to step forward.
I meant his current wife.
Uh-oh.
Look, lady, I don't know what you're trying to pull, but I'm not amused.
Yeah, if you're trying to get a laugh at a funeral, you're going to have to be a lot funnier than that.
I am Gloria lebeque, as in Eddie lebeque.
Who the hell are you?
I'm Carla lebeque, Eddie's poor, grieving widow.
I'm Eddie's poor, grieving widow.
That's impossible. See this?
Yeah? Well, see this?
Yeah? Well, see this?
Widows, please.
Now, perhaps we can deal with this unfortunate revelation later and continue with the memorial.
With all due respect, father, the hell with that noise.
Eddie's not going anywhere until I get some answers.
Lady, you've got a lot of nerve.
Me? What about you? I'm his wife!
I'm his wife!
I'm his wife!
Ladies, ladies, let go of the head.
Let go of the head.
Now just both of you sit down right now, and we'll settle this after the service.
Father.
Thank you, son.
Now, as we reflect on the life of this bewildered young man...
Eddie knew exactly what he was doing.
Two years ago, he came to my town with the ice show.
What town would that be? Desperate hag, Iowa?
Kenosha, Wisconsin.
That's where the ice show rehearses.
All right, so he had a fling.
It wasn't a fling.
Pengie and I fell in love.
Lady, what are you looking to get out of this?
Money? Well, forget it.
What do you think they paid a washed-up hockey goalie who bounced around from team to team and league to league because he was never any good in the first place?
These tributes are really something, aren't they?
I am not gonna stand for that kind of talk about my husband.
I told you, he was my husband. I had twins with Eddie.
So what? So did I.
Yikes.
At least mine don't give you warts when you touch them.
Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
Oh, all right, lady.
You're cruisin'.
Go for it!
Aah! Aah!
Aah!
So Woody, how's that chin of yours?
Better.
I'm sorry I slugged you, Woody.
I thought you were one of those ice people.
I just can't get over this Eddie thing.
I mean, I understand going out with 2 babes at 1 time, but to actually be married to both, that's sick.
Believe me, Sam, in my profession, I've learned that mankind if capable of all kinds of deviant behavior.
But of course, now that I have a child to support, I say keep it coming.
Aw, come on, what are you doing here?
I had to get out of the house, Sam.
Walls closing in on you?
No. Too much broken glass on the floor.
[Crash]
Sweetheart.
Come on, everything's going to be ok.
It's going to be fine.
It's not gonna be fine. It's never going to be fine again.
Nothing in my life makes sense anymore.
How could this happen?
How could he do this?
How could I not know?
What's wrong with me? What was wrong with him?
How did he know which pants were in which house?
How do I know who he really loved?
I mean, it was different with Nick.
Nick was scum with ear hair.
But Eddie... I mean, Eddie was good.
The fact that somebody good loved me made me feel good.
Now if it turns out he wasn't any good after all, does that mean that all this time I've been a fool?
I bet he kept jeans at your house and his dress slacks at her place.
Carla, as one woman to another, you were not a fool.
Becs, before you start giving me advice about love and marriage and losing the most important thing in your life, go out sleep with a man, why don't you?
Poor kid.
She's still mourning.
Sit down, I want to talk to you.
I got to find out. I got to find out who he loved more.
What difference does it make? The important thing is, when he was with you, he loved you.
How do I know that?
Well, all right, think of it...
At least he wasn't just fooling around with another woman.
I mean, he was married to her.
Uh-oh.
I want to talk to you.
Yeah? I want to scratch you bald, paint your butt blue, and mail you to Guam.
I'd like to see you try.
I'd like to see that, too, actually.
It's ok.
I didn't come here to make trouble.
I just came here to settle up a few things.
I was at a little disadvantage at the funeral.
You had your friends and family around.
You had fistfuls of my hair in your hands.
I do want to set something straight with you.
Eddie loved me.
He loved me more.
Prove it.
That's easy. I was his true love because he married me first.
Now, b*at it.
[Everyone talking]
Carla's got a point.
Yeah? Well, you didn't satisfy him.
Why else would he have married me?
Now, that's something, too.
I'm telling you guys, butt out.
You got a point there, Carla, maybe we...
[silence]
Hey. Guys...
I bet the only reason he married you was because he knocked you up.
How do you know that?
Babe's intuition.
Yeah? Maybe that's the same reason he married you.
But with me, it wasn't a cheap thrill.
It was a very tender moment in the back of a Datsun hatchback.
Toyota corolla, front seat.
Ladies, stop right now, huh?
All this talk about conceiving your children in these cars... Just makes me sick.
Doesn't anybody buy American anymore?
Wait a minute.
I know how to settle any doubts about how Eddie felt about me.
Check this out. Eddie's favorite photograph in the whole world, and he gave it to me... Him with his nephews.
Don't they look happy?
These aren't his nephews.
These are my kids.
Of course they look happy.
This was taken on the day they found out they weren't gonna be tried as adults.
Wait a minute.
Eddie gave you a picture of my kids?
Yeah, and here's the eastern league comeback goalie of the year plaque, the puck he stopped in the overtime win against the blackhawks, the tooth he stopped it with.
What have you got?
Not much.
I've got a cassette of o Canada.
It was kind of our song...
Us and 25 million other hosers.
All right, you proved your point. You win.
Why don't you just get out of here, all right?
Can I help you?
Yeah. My name's gordie brown.
I worked with Eddie lebeque in the ice show.
Ah, this bar...
It's just like Eddie described it.
You knew Eddie, huh?
Knew him? He saved my life.
Yeah, I knew him.
You're the penguin he pushed out of the way from the zamboni?
Yeah. Wrenched the hell out of my thumb, too.
He didn't have to push me so hard.
What do you want?
Well, I tried to explain this to you at the funeral, but someone had their fist in my mouth.
Hey, it was her.
Man, you punch a couple of guys out at a funeral, and everybody's on your case.
What do you have to say?
Late one night a couple months ago, Eddie and I were drinking.
He told me he had a secret, something he felt really guilty about.
So he wrote this note, and he told me if anything ever happened to him, that I should deliver it to Carla.
Sam, I can't look at this.
Would you read it?
"Dear Carla, I hope you never have to read this, "because if you do, it means I'm dead.
"How are you, eh?
"I've done a terrible thing.
"I had to marry another woman.
"I didn't want to, but I made her pregnant.
"Oh, I guess I did two terrible things.
"Anyway, I just want you to know I'm sorry.
"You'll always be the love of my life, "even in death.
Stay loose. Love, Eddie."
Yeah.
My work is done here.
Wait a minute.
Did he have anything for Gloria?
Would you be that Gloria?
Yeah.
No.
Well, congratulations...
Mrs. Lebeque.
I guess this is yours.
Thanks.
Sure thing.
Hope the kid on the left still doesn't have that runny nose.
Nah. He only does that for pictures.
Mine, too.
Hey, maybe it's hereditary, 'cause Eddie's nose was always running.
Wasn't it, though?
Well, I better be going.
The kids and I have got a 17-hour bus ride ahead of us to kenosha.
What are you taking, the polar route?
Hey, look, it's been a hell of a day.
Why don't you skip the bus and spend the night at my house.
That's nice of you, Carla.
You haven't seen my house.
Thanks.
Actually you'd be doing me a favor.
I got to work late tonight, and I could use a baby-sitter.
Cliff's leaving right now.
He'll drive you home.
I just ordered a beer there, Carla. Sorry.
Ahh, that hit the spot.
Know what?
You're a pretty nice lady.
I can see why Eddie knocked you up.
Ditto.
Did you know that Gloria comes from the Latin glorioski?
It's an expression of surprise.
It was made popular during the depression by the round-eyed waif little orphan Annie.
You know, it's no mistake that she didn't have any pupils in her eyes.
Carla, that was such a sweet thing you did.
Yeah, well, I couldn't let her sit on a bus on the day of our husband's funeral.
No. I mean getting rid of cliff a few hours early.
Carla, it just dawned on me.
You don't have to work late tonight.
Yeah, I know, but now that I know that Eddie loved me best, I just feel like I should be alone for a while and grieve for him in my own way.
Pool room's empty, right?
Yeah.
Carla: ♪ o Canada ♪
6-ball, corner pocket.
♪ Our home and native land ♪
[sh**ting pool]
[Ball drops in pocket]