02x24 - To Catch a Neighbor

[bunniefuu]

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ traveled down the road and back again

♪ your heart is true

♪ you're a pal and a confidante

♪ and if you threw a party

♪ invited everyone you knew

♪ you would see the biggest gift would be from me

♪ and the card attached would say

♪ thank you for being a friend ♪

[laughter]

- can I offer you more coffee?

- No, thanks.

Rod, we better go
- Before we outstay our welcome.

- Too late.

We certainly enjoyed having you.

- Yeah, right.

- Welcome to the neighborhood.

Bye.

Good night already.

Ma, I cannot believe you, rushing them out of the house!

Rushing?

They took forever.

Two hours to eat pasta and salad?

Your father could eat dinner, read the paper, make love and have a pedicure in an hour.

And without getting up from the kitchen table.

- I think they were delightful.

- I did too.

So did i.

I just love to welcome people to the neighborhood.

In fact, back home, I used to run our town's valkomm wagon.

Oh, boy, was that fun!

Whenever a new family would move in to st.

Olaf, we'd hop on the tractor and go to the neighbors' farm, 30 or 40 of us carrying vats of smoked fish and big pitchers of freshly-squeezed potato juice.

While cousin dat played "getting to know you" through the hole in his windpipe.

Tell me, did you ever accompany him through the hole in your head?

[Doorbell]

sophia, would you mind getting that, please?

No problem.

I'll drag my bad leg over to the door.

Ma'am, you shouldn't open the door - without asking who it is.

- Fine.

- Who is it?

- Detective mullins, miami p.d.

Please, come in.

Please excuse my mother.

She's a little upset.

She just found out she has the same hairdresser as whoopi goldberg.

This is my associate, bobby hopkins.

Detective mullins, I am blanche devereaux.

These are my roommates, dorothy and rose.

They're innocent.

I am not.

No, bobby, you don't have to write that last part.

That was just a come-on.

I'm sorry to take up your time at this hour, but I'd like to ask some questions.

I am single, I'm free saturday night.

And I can arch my back until my head touches my heels.

If you don't mind, I'll write that down.

Won't you sit down?

I'd like to ask you about your neighbors, the mcdowells.

- They're not who you think.

- You mean we invited the wrong people to dinner?

In a manner of speaking.

You see, your next-door neighbors are dealers in stolen gems.

- Those sweet people?

- I'm afraid so.

We think they'll be making a major move in the next 72 hours, so we'd like to set up shop here.

Well, of course.

You can both stay in my room.

Now, wait just a minute.

All right, you can have the boy.

They can't just move in here.

Let them do their work from a van, like real police on tv.

We'd like your cooperation, but you have every right to say no.

No.

Girls, I think we need to discuss this.

Gentlemen, if you'll just excuse us for a moment.

Ladies, I think we must do this.

It's our duty as americans.

I don't know.

Two policemen living in our house?

What's there to be afraid of?

Once you strip away the gruff exterior, badge, g*n and uniform...

You've got a naked policeman.

Exactly.

Blanche, this is serious.

If we can assist the police, we should.

Their job is hard enough.

I know.

My father was a policeman.

I thought your father was a farmer.

On the weekdays.

Saturday and sunday, he and the other farmers became volunteer policemen.

Of course, the only crime in st.

Olaf was that more people didn't practice better oral hygiene.

Mostly they sat around the jailhouse and took pictures of each other behind the bars in goofy poses.

- I vote no.

- Well, I agree with ma.

Why should we get involved in something that might be dangerous?

If it was dangerous, they wouldn't let us get involved.

Blanche has a point.

And if anything happens, we've got the police right here with us.

- Maybe you're right.

- Ok, then, it's all settled.

They can stay.

Detective mullins, we decided you all can stay, so welcome to our home.

Thank you.

We appreciate this very much.

We'll be back tomorrow to set up.

You won't have to change your lifestyles.

We just need a bedroom and bathroom.

We'll use the kitchen as base.

Fine.

We'll just cook in the fireplace and pee in the broom closet.

Al?

Al!

- Yeah?

- How do you like the pasta?

It's ok.

I'm not that crazy about italian food.

Lucky for you you carry a g*n.

Excuse me?

The last three days with you have really been fun.

Hi, sophia.

Hi, al.

You hear anything on the wiretap yet?

Save your breath.

He can't hear a word.

Really?

Yeah.

I've been entertaining myself all afternoon.

Watch.

Hey, you dumb bacciagaloop.

Your face looks like the rear end of a donkey.

This kills me.

You try it.

No, I will not!

I don't think you should talk to him like that either.

He's practically your daughter's boyfriend.

What?

They hate each other.

They fight all the time.

Very passionate fights.

It has all the signs of a classic love/hate relationship.

From the sparks of that conflict rise the flames of desire.

Flames that ignite in an uncontrollable frenzy of lust, passion and ecstasy.

I'm sorry.

Where was i?

Oh, I don't believe this.

- Hey, d*ck tracy...

- What's your problem now?

I said move this someplace else where it would not be in the way.

I said I'd try.

I tried.

Would you also try to remember to put down the toilet seat after you use it?

Sorry, that was me.

I was experimenting with something new, but it didn't work out.

Dorothy, he's only trying to do his job.

It can't be very pleasant for him either.

As far as stakeouts go, it's nice.

I thought you couldn't hear with those on.

I do that for sophia.

She likes calling me names, so I let her.

She's really a sweet lady.

She just doesn't like to show it.

- Is that a family trait?

- [Door opens]

you won't believe what happened to me at the store.

I saw the mcdowells.

Luckily, they didn't see me, so I followed them through the store and I wrote down everything they bought.

Why?

For evidence, silly!

Rose, they steal jewels, not geno's pizza rolls.

Ladies, listen to me now.

I know it seems like we're in this together, but they're dangerous.

Leave the police work to us.

Ready for a break, al?

Thanks.

I'll get some fresh air.

Won't the neighbors see you?

A gentleman visitor.

But it'd look better with one of you.

Come on, dotty.

"Come on"?

If you want me to do you a favor, ask me.

Ok, don't bite my head off!

- You're a real charmer!

- Who are you?

Lady di?

Do me a favor and join the b*mb squad.

Oh, god, I am crazy nuts about this guy!

[Doorbell]

hi, rose.

[Squeaks]

it's martha mcdowell, your new neighbor.

[Squeaks]

I was here for dinner, and yesterday you followed me - around the supermarket.

- [Squeaks]

oh, my god!

Why, dorothy, look, it's, uh...

It's mrs. Mcdowell.

- Why is everyone staring at me?

- Your handbag and shoes clash.

We're a very fashion-conscious neighborhood.

It's short notice, but would you like to come to dinner tomorrow?

[Squeaks]

oh, hello.

We haven't met.

I'm martha mcdowell from next door.

Hi, martha.

You've met my son alfonso and my grandson bobby.

They're here from new york on a fishing trip.

All they've caught is a cold.

[Sneezes]

nice touch, but I work alone.

Listen, I've got to run.

You let me know about dinner tomorrow night.

Bye.

Well, thank you, sophia.

That was quick thinking.

No big deal.

I mistake a lot of people for my grandson.

- She invited you to dinner?

- Yes.

- Al...

- Forget it.

It's too dangerous.

- We can break the case open.

- What are you talking about?

We need a bug in their house.

- Bobby, it's not their job.

- We've got zip on the phone.

They're too smart.

To get a warrant, we need a bug.

- I'll do it.

I'll be the plant.

- You are a plant.

Rose, honey, you don't do too well under pressure.

Rose, remember the time in the coffee shop when you didn't have enough money?

You ran into the ladies' room and tried to climb out through the skylight.

That doesn't happen anymore since I switched to decaf.

I would volunteer, but I'd be too conspicuous.

It's a dinner party, and I plan to show cleavage.

If anybody does it, it should be me.

- Why you?

- I am the best under pressure.

And she bears a striking resemblance to barnaby jones.

You've been tossing and turning all night.

- What's bothering you?

- Nothing, nothing.

Don't you break a commandment.

What commandment?

Thou shalt not toss and turn?

- No, thou shalt not lie.

- That's not a commandment.

Really?

That doesn't make any sense.

There's "thou shalt not commit adultery" and "thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife." Two refer to hitting the sheets, and they couldn't fit in lying?

Does anybody think before they write this stuff down?

You're not making sense.

I can't talk to you when you're half asleep.

Excuse me, it's 4 a.m.

Why don't you get a hose and whack me around until I'm razor-sharp?

Ma, I have a problem.

I'm worried about tomorrow.

I don't know whether or not I should go on that mission.

Dorothy, for 50 years you've told me your problems.

Who should I take to the prom?

Should I marry stan?

These were things I could help you with.

"Should I go on this mission?" Is out of my area of expertise.

Who am i, oliver north?

You're not making this any easier.

All right, if you think it'll help land this al character, do it.

Al?

Who said anything about landing al?

Do you think I'd risk my life for al?

I'm doing this because I think it's right.

Because I'm a concerned citizen.

And I'd give my right arm to land al!

I'm scared.

I don't know.

Your problem isn't unique.

People do crazy things for love all the time.

Let me tell you a story.

Picture this: sicily, august 1908.

No, that's not it.

But if you ever need a story about jealousy, this is a pip.

- Ma, just go to sleep.

- No, I remember.

Havana, 1957.

No, I was never in havana.

- Ma!

- I meant brooklyn, 1958.

No, that's not it.

I don't believe it.

I'm dry!

I got nothing!

- It's ok, ma.

- No, it's not.

Tommy lasorda should be standing by the bed, waving to the bullpen.

Ma, don't let it bother you.

I just can't leave you hanging.

Would you settle for a very wise observation?

Yes.

Al's a good guy, and he makes you happy.

If you're doing it for that alone, it's worth it.

You're also doing it because you feel it's the right thing.

Thanks, ma.

That means a lot to me.

Good.

Now, get some rest, pussycat.

Tomorrow could be your last day.

It's a shame we have to go to the mcdowells' tonight.

- There's a great movie on tv.

- What?

In cold blood.

It's about...

This innocent family is brutally m*rder*d...

- May I see that, rose?

- Sure.

Thank you.

Rose, we're nervous enough about going over.

Do you have to make it worse?

Well, it's nothing to be nervous about.

Bobby and al are watching through the window the whole time.

If we get in trouble, we just signal them.

How are we doing, ladies?

To be honest, we're a little nervous.

All right.

Let's go over the plan once more.

Check.

At 1800 hours, we enter the suspects' domicile.

At 1830 hours, we sit down to dinner.

After wine is poured at approximately 1840 hours, I begin telling the story about uncle hertis and the skunks, - which should last about...

- 1900 Hours.

Dorothy, here's the transmitter.

Keep it in your hand.

Then, with one quick movement, stick it under the table.

That's it.

All right.

So, any other questions?

Well, I guess that's it.

Good luck.

- Let's go.

- Ma, you're not going.

I am.

If anything goes wrong,

- you need someone experienced.

- In what?

Life.

You're looking at a woman who lived through two world wars, 15 vendettas, four operations and two darrins on bewitched.

I don't think those are very good reasons to go.

No?

How about this one?

I'm hungry.

Let's roll, danno.

Al...

All right, that's the front door closing.

Yeah, the ladies are out of the house.

The transmitter's working perfectly.

Clear as a bell.

They did it.

I can't believe it.

I had doubts about this one.

[All speaking at once]

- congratulations.

Great job.

- Thank you.

- It's really working?

- Give her the phones.

[Dorothy]

I hate to say this, but it was almost fun.

Fun?

My pulse was racing, my heart was pounding!

I could barely get my breath!

That's the most fun I've ever had standing up!

No, I take it back.

There was that one time on that 74... 7.

They keep talking about that noodle-head in the red dress.

Could that be code language?

Only to the noodle-head in the red dress.

Ok, what happens next?

We should get enough to get warrants and be out of your lives by tomorrow.

- I'm b*at.

I'm going to bed.

- Me too.

Boy, I'm too excited to sleep!

- You're not.

You're b*at too.

- Oh, yeah.

I'm b*at too.

I'm so b*at, I won't be able to hear a thing that goes on.

But I'd like to hear about it tomorrow.

Give me the earphones.

Get some rest.

Ok, al.

Hey, dorothy, I just wanna say...

- You did a nice job.

- Thanks, al.

And dorothy...

I also wanted to say...

- It took guts.

- Thanks, al.

You see, dorothy, I just wanted to ask you...

I wanted to ask you...

[Sophia]

for god's sakes, he wants to ask you to go out with him!

You got your listening equipment, I got mine.

[Sophia]

good night.

- [Knock at door]

- come in.

Bobby, here's those extra towels you asked for, honey.

- Thanks, blanche.

- You're welcome.

Listen, blanche, thank you for everything you've done the past few days.

You don't have to thank me for anything.

Actually, I kind of enjoyed doing it.

You remind me a lot of my son, matthew, except he doesn't carry a g*n.

Bobby, does your momma know you carry that g*n?

Blanche, I'm a grown man.

I don't need her permission.

Although, to be honest, she's not thrilled about it.

That's because she loves you.

I'd be a nervous wreck if matthew were a police officer.

I worry about him enough, and he's a c.p.a.

I guess that's just a mother's nature.

Well, I'll see you in the morning.

Hey, blanche, listen, uh...

My mom's in oregon.

I don't get a home-cooked meal too often.

Ok if I stop by sometime?

I think that would be great.

I don't care how old you think you are.

It's light's out.

- Yes, ma'am.

- Ok.

- Good night.

- Good night.

Bobby, let's go!

The exchange is going down!

Move it!

- What's going on?

- It's the mcdowells.

Get on the floor and stay there!

Now!

[Rose gasps]

- I'm scared!

- I'm scared too!

I'm scared for al and bobby.

- Shh!

What was that noise?

- That was me.

Thanks for calling it to everyone's attention.

Oh...

What's happening out there?

- Shut up.

I hear something.

- I don't.

- [g*nsh*t]

- g*nshots!

Oh, sweet jesus!

That could have been al!

We have to do something.

We have to wait till he comes back.

What if he can't come back?

- [Dorothy]

thank god you're ok!

- Is everything ok?

Just stay down.

It's mullins.

I need an ambulance and backup at the stakeout.

My partner's sh*t.

[All]

oh!

Yeah, at first I was really scared, but then I realized it was a shoulder wound and calmed down.

Actually, I passed out.

But I did it calmly.

- Bobby, you're so brave.

- You're so stupid!

You're supposed to duck a b*llet.

In sicily, you don't pass kindergarten till you learn that.

Really?

In st.

Olaf, we just had to promise not to eat paste.

All right, ladies, let's not baby him.

- Al, how are you doing?

- Great.

The d.a.

Will put away the mcdowells for a long time.

Gee, who's going to look after their lawn?

Rose, while we're here, maybe you should have a cat scan.

Come on, bobby, out of bed.

You've got to go out to the sun deck.

- Who wants to drive?

- I'll do it.

It's nice not to be a passenger for a change.

I want you to tell me the whole story from the beginning.

From the time that you left...

Dorothy...

I want to ask you something.

How about you and I go out sometime, huh?

Dorothy, I want to see you again.

- I want to see you again too.

- Great.

- But I can't.

- Why not?

Because I could get serious about you.

- I don't get it.

- Al, until the other night, I thought this whole thing was a game, but...

After what happened, I realized it isn't.

You don't want to become involved with someone who could get hurt.

I'm sorry, al.

It's not the first time I've heard it.

I understand.

Thanks.

You take good care of yourself, you hear?

Yeah.

- So, are you two an item?

- No.

No, we decided it was best - if we didn't see each other.

- Are you sure, dorothy?

- In your heart, are you sure?

- Yes, ma.

Fine, then I want you to meet someone.

Dr tansy...

This is my daughter.

And this guy is nobody.

b*at it, al.