08x02 - The Prettiest Boy in School

[bunniefuu]

ADULT ADAM: Back in the ' s,

the first day of school wasn't exactly magical for me.

Yep, getting bullied, hazed, and generally tortured for being a geek

had become a tradition.

But this year felt different.

Adam? More like, A-Damn!

I changed up my look over the summer,

and it did not go unnoticed.

Yo, Big Adam! AFG!

Wow, so many new nicknames and none of them insulting or about my gentleman's cankles.

Party at my place in an hour.

Uh, pretty sure we still have school in an hour, but I love the invite.

There's the prettiest girl in school.

Aww! Well, I think you're the prettiest boy in school.

My mom does say I have a long torso like Cheryl Tiegs.

I know she does. (SIGHS)

- See you at lunch.
- (SCHOOL BELL RINGS)

What in the Oprah ShowMiracle Makeover is this?

- Mr. Glascott. How was your summer?
- Terrible.

As you know, guidance counseling isn't very lucrative, so I took a summer job mowing the local golf course.

I saw two alligators.

I had a magical summer with my foxy girlfriend.

- Thanks for asking.
- I didn't.

Why do you look so different?

Did somebody finally punch those glasses off your face?

I got contact lenses.

- And is that a salon job?
- Nope. Just the sun.

I thought you were allergic to God's warm life-giver.

Turns out that was just avocados.

It's all so effortless and stylish.

As if you are no longer afraid of the world and everything in it.

That's probably the self-defense class I took with my mom.

It was quite a summer.

Well, a gator took one of my sport loafers, so we all got things.

♪

Hey.

Sorry, sir. We'll be on our way.

Dave Kim, it's me. Adam.

Oh, I didn't recognize you with your healthy posture.

Yep. Turns out confidence and self-worth are better than any orthopedic shoe.

Sounds like you and Brea had a great summer, but we missed you.

Sorry about that, but we're back together now, and we're seniors! We rule!

Do we? My briefcase already smells like the garbage the cool kids make me put in it.

You really need to get a backpack.

Mad-man Ad-man!

I see you found a new crop of freshmen to haze.

I'll take this one.

Stop! You know me.
Our moms work at the same firm.

- What's happening?
- What's happening is you're cool.

Oh, come on, Dave Kim.

It's Adam Goldberg, a classic nerd.

"Nanu-nanu."

"Goonies never say die."
"Wax-on wax-off."

You hang out with the jocks, you're dating Brea Bee, and the sun dances on your hair like Christmas morning.

- Face it, you're cool.
- Please.

There's no difference between you and me.

- Trash day.
- This turtleneck is a classic!

They don't make it in "tickle me pink" anymore!

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪

♪ But nonetheless I feel the need to say ♪

♪ I don't know the future ♪

♪ But the past keeps getting clearer every day ♪

ADULT ADAM: It was fall -something,

and with school starting,

my mom was getting used to being alone.

Looks like it's just you and me, wet curds.

Hey, I'm here, too.

I just miss our little munchkins so much.

Oh, the summer's raced by, we've barely seen them, and soon they'll be back at school.

- We really did it.
- (DOOR CLOSES)

Hey. We're back.

And you'll never leave me, and you'll age backwards till you're little babies, and we'll start all over again?

What a haunting thought so early in the day.

We went to the driving range to hit golf balls.

I nailed the guy in the ball-tractor nine times.

You were throwing them at him, Bar.

Ha! He has a bad job, and I made it worse.

But why aren't you at your summer jobs?

Mine ended.

The manager at Hickory Farms questioned my work ethic.

At least that's what I heard.
I wasn't there.

And my summer job said the pool would be safer without me.

There's a whole week before you go back to college.

(GASPS) That means my babies are back.

Whoa. We aren't babies anymore.

Damn right. I do all kinds of adult stuff.

Just the other day, I said, "I agree to disagree."

I was there. He used it wrong.

- I agree to disagree.
- Oh! Nice!

Well, until college starts again, you're not gonna need any of that stuff.

All you need is your mama.

Starting with a three-meat breakfast fit for a king!

Hey, I'm the king!

Quiet, Murray.

Our babies need their essential fats and nitrates.

Yes! Bacon and links and pancake dippers?

Is this a breakfast pizza for one?

Yeah, this one.

Dipper to Barry, Dipper to Barry, we're ready to land in the hangar.

- The hangar is my mouth!
- (LAUGHS)

Look at you two go.

Just a minute ago, you were independent young adults, and now your mommy's flying food around your face, and what is this?

Just rubbing my baby's tootsies.

Mm! Get in there. Little circles.

I'm sorry, Mrs. G., but aren't you worried that, if you treat them like babies, they'll regress into babies?

That's the dream. (SIGHS)

My schmoos are back in my sweet bosom.

It's gross, but it was a long year.
Let me have this.

Don't screw this up for us, Schwartz, just because you don't have a mom.

I have a mom.

Her name is Linda, and you know her well.

I-I'm just saying maybe you should pump the brakes a little before this gets weird.

(CHUCKLES) She's really poppin' my toe knuckles.

Now I get why you married her, Dad.

Yeah, I'm really living the dream.

ADULT ADAM: While Barry and Erica were moving backwards,

I was looking forward to seeing my old friends.

What's up, nerds?

I mean, fellow nerds.

I mean, who wants to play the sequel we've all been waiting for,
Super Mario ?

We b*at that months ago.

We're on Super Mario now.

There's an S.M. ?

Not in America.

But my brother's teaching English in Japan, and he sent over a copy.

We've been learning Japanese all summer to get ready for it.

You need to know Japanese to play?

(SPEAKING JAPANESE)

(LAUGHTER)

Wow, I really missed a lot.

You really did, dude.

Well, I'm here now, and I'm excited to fully hang with my nerd herd.

I don't know why I keep insulting you.

Whoa, this school has computers?

Ready for lunch?

We're tailgating in the student parking lot.

Oh, is there a football game this week?

Nah.

Hey, guys, any interest in supporting athletics kinda?

You seriously think we'd pick a non-sanctioned barbecue over soaring through the -bit skies with Mario?

He can fly in this one?

Any interest in playing a video game starring an Italian plumber?

Does it have extreme v*olence and/or extreme nudity?

You can throw a turtle.

No, thank you.

Turtles are God's creatures.

It's okay. I'll just catch you later, Ad.

♪

My life is ruined!

Whatever it is, look on the bright side.

You can still digest cheese.

Will you take this seriously?

I came back from summer looking like a bronze Ricky Schroder, and now the popular kids want me bad.

While I don't entirely follow, that does not sound like a problem.

Are you kidding?

I belong on the hood of a car in a Whitesnake video!

You do have a nice way about you.

And now all my old friends have moved on without me.

Welcome to my world.

Why are you wrapped up like that?

Mom swaddled me for warmth.

But now is the time for cold, harsh truths.

Your old friendships are dead.

They can't relate to what you and I are... Kings among men.

But I like my old friendships.

Better than the awesome new ones?

I don't know. It's just different.

I hear you.

When I got back from the w*r, my banjo buddies could not relate to my army buddies.

Eventually, we had to find a mutual joy.

Turns out it was banana cream pies.

That's it!

If I want everyone to be friends,

I just have to find common ground!

I just told you, banana cream pies.

I-I'll give it five more minutes, but thanks!

Aw, damn it! I need to be re-swaddled.

My arms got out! Mom!

ADULT ADAM: Thanks to Pops, I had the perfect way

to bring my pals together.

Meanwhile, my mom's friends were bonding over literature.

I'm so glad we started this book club.

We're such intellectuals.

Can we call it a book club when we're just reading a magazine?

It's my week, Ginzy, so open your People.

Well, I love the part where Harry Hamlin is sexiest man alive. What a twist!

Mommy! I dropped a Popsicle on the dog, and I need a new one.

A red one this time.

Also, you need to wash Lucky and the carpet and a bunch of other stuff.

ERICA: Not before you deal with this.

I slept on the clothes you folded, so they need to be ironed.

I was here first!

And I changed my mind, I want purple.

Okay. One purple Popsicle and a pile of pleated pants, pronto.

There you go, have fun with it.

Um, what's happening here?

Oh, uh, Barry, Erica, and Mrs. G are trapped in this cycle of codependence that's growing worse by the hour.

I call it the "Great Regression," but I'm open to pitches.

Here's a pitch. Shut your dumb hole.

Bevy! That's my son!

Okay, but I only get my babies for one week this summer.

I'm making the most of it.

Beverly, they're adults, and you deserve to have an adult relationship.

I've developed one with my boys, and it's one of the things I'm most proud of.

Well, I know it's not your hedges.

You never returned my clippers!

Okay, this magazine club is over.

Uh, I've got babies to tend to.

- ADULT ADAM: And tend to them she did.
- Come on.

Mommy!

My carrots are too big.

Over the next week, Barry got more helpless.

Now they're too small.

Throw 'em out and start over with Kit Kats.

Erica got lazier...

I'm gonna take this in your bed

'cause I spilled the last bowl in mine.

...until finally it all became too much. (SIGHS)

You want me to come running when you ring a bell?

This bell.

I just figured I'm tired of shouting and you're tired of not responding to me quickly enough.

Wait. I want a Mom bell.

Oh, get your own! This is my Mom bell.

Not for long.

- Mommy! Help!
- (BELL RINGING)

Are you not hearing this horrible loud ringing?

It's really unpleasant!

ADULT ADAM: While my mom realized her kids were out of control,

I was trying to take control of my social life.

Thanks for coming.
How are the refreshments?

He took my Capri Sun.

Only to wash down your cookie.

Why are we here?

I was about to ask the same thing.

There are like ten other rooms in this house, Dad.

- You can go anytime.
- You called my bluff.

We're here to find common ground between all my friends.

JC, you're the epitome of cool.

It's obvious, but I do like to hear it out loud.

A-And, Dave Kim, you're the epitome of...

What? Say it.

I'll say it. Loser. Putz. Schmuck.

Dork. Doof. Dink. Schmo. Dingus. Goober.

We get it, Don Rickles. Dorf.

Anyway, help me find the overlap between both of your interests.

JC: Ew, bro! Uh-uh.

His circle shouldn't touch my circle.

But maybe it can.

JC, what's something you think is fun?

Shoving a twerp in a locker and then pouring Pepsi in the slots.

It was a Mr. Pibb.

- I know what I poured.
- Let's keep trying.

ADULT ADAM: So we set out to list

everything cool kids and geeks like.

Falkor The Luck Dragon.

Casually mooning an old-folks bus?

The peaceful din of an empty room.

Creating a woman in a computer program to give you compliments.

Throwing javelins at trees.

Guests who know when they've outstayed their welcome.

Video games. Comics. Star Wars.

Great white sharks. Snow leopards.
Kodiak bears!

What is this again?

- We're naming apex predators.
- No, we're not.

Eventually, we found tons of stuff in common.

We got pizza, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and bumper cars.

But here's the test.

JC, how would you feel about eating pizza with Dave Kim while talking about Arnold and bumper cars?

- It's not terrible.
- That's the spirit!

And Dave Kim?

I guess I'm open to it.

We did it! Best friend punch!

- DAVE KIM: Ow!
- This is for school?

ADULT ADAM: It was lunch time,

and Operation Make All My Friends Be Friends was a go.

Aha! Sweet! New giant cool-kid table.

Actually, JC, this is a combined table for all my friends.

I believe you already know Dave Kim.

Oh, yeah! The guy with all the birds!

Not even a little.

It's something to talk about.

And while you're catching up... Pizza?

(LAUGHS)

Adam, w-why are you trying so hard to bring everyone together?

I love spending time with you and your friends, but I miss my old friends.

There's got to be a way I can have it all, like Melanie Griffith in Working Girl.

That's sweet. And weird.

Yeah, how's that pepperoni treating you?

I didn't get a slice.
I just got elbowed in the head.

Corbett, did you take four slices?

It's the only way to make a double-decker pizza sandwich.

Can we just go now?

Yes! Thanks for asking.

No! We're bonding.

And it's time for phase two.

- How about that Terminator?
- (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

- Pretty cool, right?
- Schwarzenegger rules.

I have a Terminator bedspread.

Nice, Bird Guy.

From now on, I'm gonna call you "Bedspread."

It's working!

You know, I like Arnold's muscles.

They remind me of my muscles.

I like the theme of the movie...
Explosions.

You think the theme of Terminator is explosions?

And sending your dad back in time to bone your mom.

The theme is that everybody has the ability to defeat their own fate.

Don't tell me how to interpret narrative motifs.

Adam, maybe it's time to call this?

Or maybe it's time for more snacks.

(AS ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER) I'll be back with more pizza.

Wait. Was that your Arnold Schwarzenegger impression? (LAUGHTER)

(IN NORMAL VOICE) I can do better.

I'd hope so. 'Cause that sucked.

Now say Arnold's line from Commando.

(AS ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER)
Remember when I said I'd k*ll you last?

I lied.

- (LAUGHTER)
- Wha... That's so terrible.

You shame the Austrian people.

Well, you kind of brought them together.

(IN NORMAL VOICE) Not how I pictured it happening, but a win's a win.

ADULT ADAM: While my bad impression had good results,

my mom's bad habits had only gotten worse.

Ginzy, I need to borrow your Cuisinart.

- I-I can't in good conscience.
- I'll find it.

♪

What the...

Your child knows how to vacuum?

Try and stop me. The home is a reflection of all of us.

Barry and Erica just keep throwing Nerds candies in my path so I'm never quite done.

Look, Mom, the pears ripened, just like you promised!

Well, what are you waiting for?

Core those suckers and make a cobbler!

Oh, way ahead of ya.
Already preheating the oven to "yum."

- Chad cooks?
- We cook together.

I find it's a great time for us to catch up and reconnect.

Speaking of, how's your tennis elbow, Mom?

Oh, much better. Thanks for asking, hon.

(CHUCKLES) I meant to ask an hour ago.

Life moves so fast. (CHUCKLES)

Damn it, I want this. Tell me how.

Wait. You're asking me for parenting advice?

I know it's insane, but I thought I wanted my children to be babies forever.

But now I know what I want is to have adult, respectful relationships, like the kind you have with your kids.

Well, right now, you're indulging their every whim, and they're taking advantage of you.

You need to set limits, establish rules, and most of all, give them some responsibilities.

But Barry says responsibilities hurt his hugging arms.

The next time he says that, you say,

"The seed you plant today becomes a flower tomorrow."

I don't care about gardening, Ginzy.

That's why I threw out your gardening gloves.

Then when they act out, you say,

"Let's reconnect after you've calmed down."

- Look...
- (CHUCKLES)

...here's a list of helpful phrases.

"I appreciate your understanding"?

"Let's approach this from a place of mutual respect"? (MOUTHING)

"This feels like a learning opportunity."

This crap works?

See for yourself.

Mm. Just 'cause.

(SHUDDERS) I'm borrowing this instead.

ADULT ADAM: As my mom planned to steer her kids in a new direction,

I knew one more thing that would drive my friends closer together.

Who's ready for bumper cars?

Not me. My mom was recently in a minor car accident.

This brings it all back.

Aw, I'll be right here, Bedspread. (CHUCKLES)

Look at them. The best of friends.

I really did it.

Are you sure bumper cars are a good idea?

Seems like kind of a violent activity for groups that are notoriously unkind to each other.

Violently delightful. Everyone loves bumper cars.

ADULT ADAM: But this wasn't bumper cars.

It was a full-blown demolition derby.

Hey! Take it easy!

- She's showing weakness! Bash her more!
- Hey!

Turns out bringing cool kids and geeks together was bumpier than I expected.

JC, you know me! I'm Bedspread!

Sorry, bro.

This is just as*ault.

Guys, stop! We're all friends here!

But we're clearly not.

I felt my brain bang against my skull!

I thought it would be fun for all the people in my life to come together.

(SCOFFS) Maybe for you.

What are you doing?

Making it easier for you.

Just be with them 'cause you're definitely not one of us.

There, there.

ADULT ADAM: While my plan hit a roadblock,

my mom was ready for a new path with Barry and Erica.

- (BELL RINGS)
- Mommy! Her foot touched my foot!

Is there a problem?

There wasn't until Barry interrupted my basement nap.

Yeah, because I also prefer to nap underground.

It's called "groundhog style," and it's everything to me.

So get your own couch!

Oh, good idea.
Mom, get me another couch.

ADULT ADAM: This was it.

My mom could either keep indulging her terrible kids

or take Ginzy's approach.

I understand your request, but I'm confident you can take care of it yourself.

That's the opposite of what I want.

Just haul the upstairs couch down here.

I bet it would be even more satisfying if you did it yourself.

Why would I want to move a couch?

That sounds heavy and boring.

Geez, Mom, just shove it down the stairs.

Gravity does most of the work.

I can see this is frustrating for you.

Let's revisit when you've calmed down.

I'll be calm when I have my couch.

Why are you being like this?

Because I am trying to have an adult relationship.

Adult to adult, take the cushions off first, it'll make it a lot lighter.

I know I've indulged you, but I want something different now.

I want to talk as equals.

Maybe while one of you vacuums the stairs and the other one bakes a pear cobbler.

Oh, now I want you to make a cobbler.

With ice cream. And cookies.

And drizzle on some fudge.

That's not even a cobbler anymore.

You'll figure it out.

Get the [Bleep] out of my house.

- Whoa!
- Whoa!

And go where?

That sounds like a problem you adults can figure out yourselves.

It doesn't matter what's on top!

It's still a cobbler!

Ow!

After failing to bring my friends together,

I ended up friendless.

It was shaping up to be the worst school year ever.

Gah! You're so quiet.

I learned to be quiet on the golf course.

Any noise screws up people's backswings and alerts swamp monsters to your location.

I hope you were compensated well.

Nope. So, what's your deal?

I lost all my old dorky friends

'cause I'm wildly cool now.

Adam, you will always and forever be a nerd.

- Can I say that?
- I'm not loving it.

Still, come with me.

♪

Climb this rope.

How's a demonstration of my physical dominance gonna help?

Humor me.

Whatever. See you at the top.

ADULT ADAM: Sure, I'd never reached the top before,

but this year was different.

I'd come a long way from being an unathletic, scrawny geek.

I could dominate this rope. I was a legend.

Am I there?

You're right where you should be.

I don't get it.

If I'm not ripped, why did the mailman say,

"Looking good, little man"?

Yeah, he's just a weirdo.

Wait, so if I'm not as buff and rad as I thought I was and I'm not a dork anymore, what am I?

You're a little bit of everything.

Now I'm super confused.

In high school, you feel like you can only be one thing or belong to one group.

But as you get older, you can be lots of things to lots of people.

And once you realize that, the whole world opens up for you.

So I can have cool friends and nerd friends?

You can even have friends that are guidance counselors.

I'd like that. Thanks, John.

Nope. Go back.

That does not make my ears feel good.

ADULT ADAM: As Mr. Glascott reminded me I could be anything,

my mom was scared she'd only ever be one thing.

Any idea why Erica's sitting out on the front lawn and Barry's up in a tree?

I kicked them out.

Eh, works for me.

I was trying to end the Great Regression, but Ginzy's phrases didn't work, and then they refused to make me a cobbler when I wouldn't move a couch.

I have no idea what any of that means, but I do know that when our children stay home too long, they turn into morons.

And it's my fault.

Our whole relationship is based on me indulging them their entire lives.

'Cause I thought that's what a good mama did.

But now that they're older, I just...

I want something more.

Tell 'em that.

I tried, but it didn't work, and then I threw them out on the street.

Well, then keep trying.

You deserve to have the relationship you want with your kids.

- You think?
- I know.

Now, go outside and get Barry before he falls on his head.

(MARSHALL CRENSHAW'S SOMEDAY, SOMEWAY PLAYS)

ADULT ADAM: Sometimes, we can indulge the people we love so much

it's hard to see we're holding them back.

Hey.

Hey.

♪ I can't bear to hear you cry... ♪

Look, I'm sorry I kicked you out.

We're sorry, too.

You do so much for us, and it was wrong to take advantage of your love.

You will always be my babies.

♪ Someday, someway... ♪

But I'd really like to try something new.

♪ Someday, someway... ♪

- Way ahead of you.
- (SIGHS)

I cut down most of the Kremps' pear tree while we were homeless.

You mind if we chat while we make you a cobbler?

Yeah, like, what's your story?

My story is that I am the luckiest mom in the world.

♪ Is take the love you've brought my way... ♪

ADULT ADAM: Sure, it can be scary to change something

that's been the same for a long time.

Oh, hey. Come to invite us to group dodgeball?

Or a wedgie tournament?

Or throw my glasses in that long urinal where you sometimes touch shoulders with strangers?

I'm really sorry for forcing you to do things you weren't comfortable with.

But you all mean the world to me, and I guess what I'm trying to say is...

(SPEAKING JAPANESE)

(IN ENGLISH) Oh, man, I just learned the one thing.

- You'll catch up.
- (BOTH CHUCKLE)

ADULT ADAM: In the end, when we change who we are,

it doesn't mean we lose who we were or who we care about.

And through all those changes,

the people who love us will always be there.

Truth is, we never stop growing up.

Everyone just does it at their own speed.

- (SCHOOL BELL RINGS)
- Yeah, I'd come a long way

since I was a freshman.

It was my senior year,

and it was gonna be different for all of us.

But one thing was for sure...

I couldn't wait for the adventure to begin.

Come on, Adam.

(BELL DINGS)

♪

- (BELL RINGS)
- Hey! Notice anything different?

You're wearing roller skates?

Inspired by your radical change,

I decided to change myself.

Now I'm Mr. Glascott the roller-skating guidance counselor.

Check out my moves.

- That's okay, I guess.
- You guess?

It took me three days to learn that.

I just don't see how roller-skating is gonna help you relate to students any better.

Watch and learn.
Give me a little help here.

(SCREAMS)

Super-cool guidance counselor coming through!

That's why you start with a necklace.