08x01 - Sex Bucket and the Grammar Police

[bunniefuu]

- How you doing over there?
- I'm good.

- Really good.
- Good.

Is it weird that I'm good?

No, it's good that you're good.

Good. Well, I'm good.

Every mom dreams of the day when they drop their -year-old daughter off at the airport to go to school.

And I did it all by myself.

Hey, I'm here.

- Oh, not the dropping off, the raising.
- Oh.

I mean, I wasn't there the whole time.

But I was definitely there for the beginning.

In and out during the middle, and rock-solid from age on, you know, the formative years.

You have a lot to be proud of.

Damn right. Georgetown Law School on a full scholarship.

Phew. Lot of parents would be in a puddle of tears right now, but you know what I think of them?

Selfish. (chuckles)

Not me, 'cause I'm focusing on what she's gonna get, not what I'm gonna lose.

(voice breaking): Which is the most beautiful little girl a mother could ever have.

And this is why I drove.

(crying): Oh, please.
You're gonna cry, too.

Am not.

The Father's Day card she gave you last year?

(crying): Why would you do that to me?

'Cause you miss her as much as I do.

I-I do!

(both sobbing)

You want to go back and watch the plane take off?

- I do!
- Okay.

- Bonnie, alcoholic.
- ALL: Hi, Bonnie.

Well, it's been a month since Adam and I became empty-nesters, and we are loving it.

We learn something new about each other every day.

And we learn a lot about Christy, too.

Apparently, she was the one vacuuming the living room.

(chuckles)

And another thing we learned about her, she doesn't understand time zones.

She's smart enough to get a scholarship to law school, but she can't grasp the fact that her : a.m. is my : a.m.

She's constantly waking me up 'cause she can't subtract three.

Well, my fault.

I should've taken her to kindergarten once in a while.

Yeah, she's in law school. She's fine.

That's it. Thanks.

- (applause)
- Now that Christy's gone, would you like me to roll my eyes a little bit more while you share?

- Tammy?
- Tammy, alcoholic.

ALL: Hi, Tammy.

Uh, it's my birthday tomorrow.

Uh, not a sober one, a squeezing out of the womb one.

Normally, I love my birthday, but not this year.

My dad tracked me down from prison and sent me a card saying he's gonna call me tomorrow.

What am I supposed to do with that?

The man k*lled my mom.

I haven't talked to him since I was .

And I don't want to talk to him now.

I know this program is about second chances, but does that mean I have to give him one?

I mean... I don't know.

I'm totally spinning out over what to do.

Thanks.

(applause)

Well, now I feel bad for sharing about how my Jacuzzi's not bubbly enough.

You know, there's a place where you can get free hot wings

- on your birthday.
- Nice.

Yeah, they give you a free wing for every year.

It's the only time I'm honest about my age.

Wow, it is a mess over here.

I know. Christy really did a lot more cleaning than we thought.

Yeah, well, I'll pick up the slack.

Great. She used to do the coffee urn.

Oh, on it.

(gasps) Oh, I think we should throw this one away and start over.

Girls, don't forget Tammy's surprise dinner tomorrow.

BOTH: Get there by : and park the car around the corner.

Good. You're as excited as I am.

Brilliant idea: I'm gonna throw Tammy a surprise slumber party tomorrow night at my house.

- (gasps) Love it.
- Sounds good.

Bonnie, you know I've been planning a dinner.

- But my idea's better.
- Kind of is.

I've been working on this for weeks.

Well, I'm sorry, but she told me she really wanted a slumber party.

When did she say that?

When she was .

But I'm sure it's still true.

- Oh, damn it.
- What's up?

I accidentally got "It's a Girl!" balloons.

Well, Tammy is a girl.

I'm sorry, I know you don't like me to look on the bright side.

I really want to keep Tammy's mind off her dad calling.

This party has to be perfect, and I messed up the decorations.

Or you did that on purpose so, when Jill gets here, she takes over and does everything for you.

Look, I didn't marry you so you could get to know me.

(knocking on door)

Hey. Hey.

Oh, hey, Adam, are you staying for the ladies-only party that's only for ladies?

No, Gus and I are going fishing.

That's code for drinking beer in a cabin

- and not fishing at all.
- (chuckles)

- She's not wrong. Mwah.
- Have fun.

Come on, Gus.

He doesn't even own a rod.

ADAM: I'm gonna pick one up at the liquor store!

So... (clears throat)

Am I seeing your decorations in their entirety?

No. I got baby shower balloons.

Mm-hmm, taking over.

Mm-hmm, letting you.

(knocking on door)

What's this?

It's the cake you asked me to bring.

But it's from the grocery store.

I thought you'd bake something.

And I thought we'd be at a nice dinner right now.

Guess we were both wrong.

We don't just go to bed, right?

Don't look at me.

My gosh, did none of you ever go to a slumber party when you were kids?

Foster care. No friends.

I was strung out on horse.

Oh. Well, lucky for you,

I was extremely popular and I will guide you through it.

There is an ebb and flow to a slumber party, not unlike a poem or a good massage.

(knocking on door)

She's here. Big smiles.

Not the pageant one, Jill, the real one.

Hey. Remember what you wanted for your th birthday?

- A case of beer?
- No.

- Curly hair? True love?
- No.

No. A slumber party. And here it is!

ALL: Surprise!

Oh, my God, you guys. This is amazing!

Look at the flowers and balloons.

And a sign with my name on it.

Oh, there's no way this could possibly be better.

Unless we had a homemade cake.

Never have I ever faked a toothache just to get nitrous.

- Oh.
- (laughs)

So, I drink if I've done it?

ALL: Yes.

We've been playing this game for half an hour.

How is this still a question for you?

The sentence structure is very confusing.

It should really just be "have you ever."

Well, normally, you'd play this game drunk, so grammar doesn't matter.

Okay, let me try one.

I have never, ever, never...

- Oy.
- (all groan)

- had sex in a church.
- WENDY: Mm.

Wait, it was a bris.
Do synagogues count?

How about an Amish guy at a barn raising?

Any place where God is defiled.

Hey, didn't you have sex at a funeral?

I did, but it was at the cemetery.

Thanks for remembering, though.

You go, Bonnie.

Oh, good luck finding something you haven't done.

Never have I ever eaten cat treats because I was curious.

- I knew it!
- (all laughing)

- Tammy, go.
- No, no, I want to go again.

Never have I ever k*lled something I was supposed to be taking care of.

I forgot to water your ficus. Get over it.

All of your cats were still alive, weren't they?

What'd you k*ll, someone's buzz?

- No. A man.
- TAMMY, BONNIE AND MARJORIE: What?

Wait, did this just segue into m*rder Mystery?

Because I did not authorize that.

Last week, I had two patients in the ER and only one ICU bed.

I advocated for one guy over the other, so the doctor took him first.

By the time we found a bed, the other patient had d*ed.

Oh, sweetie, that's not your fault.

You're a nurse. You have to prioritize based on who needs it more.

But I'm not sure I did.

The other guy was rude to me.

I'm worried that I was playing God.

No. You just have a really tough job.

You didn't k*ll anybody. My dad,

- on the other hand...
- New game. New game, Jill.

(clears throat) Yeah. Okay.
This one's my favorite.

Tammy, you breathe really fast until you get light-headed, and the rest of us will push on your chest till you pass out.

It's called Pass Out.

As a medical professional,

I am not sure I can allow this.

As a sober person, I don't think it's a good idea.

Aw. I can't drink. I can't do dr*gs.

Now I can't even have people cut off my air supply for fun?

Damn it.

All right, ladies, welcome to Sex Bucket.

(all laugh)

This contains the names of the men from our Wednesday meeting.

When it is your turn, you will pick two names and choose the one you would sleep with.

- BONNIE: Oh!
- WENDY: Ah.

- Birthday girl?
- Ooh, all right.

(clears throat) Let's see.

Vigorous Handshake Dave...

(all laugh) versus

Paul the Veteran.

- Ooh.
- Ooh, that's tricky. Oh.

I choose Paul. Don't love the beard, but thank you for your service.

(all laugh)

- Okay. My turn, my turn.
- Okay.

All righty.

- Angry Mark the Meditation Teacher...
- Uh-huh.

Or Tight Jeans Tom.

TAMMY: Hmm. Oh, I don't know.

Just pick one.

I prefer Tom, but there's a lot of self-adjusting.

This isn't real.

That doesn't mean it couldn't lead to something.

Okay, part of what makes this game fun is pace.

Marjorie, go.

I don't want to play this game.

If we as women want to be treated with respect and dignity, we shouldn't be sitting here objectifying men.

(scoffs) We're only objectifying the hot ones.

Well done. You ruined Sex Bucket.

Next game, Jill.

All right. Truth or Dare.

Love it! I'll go first. Dare.

I have one.

(clears throat)

Hello.

I would like to buy one packet of condoms...

Your smallest size...

And every flavor of Slim Jim.

And also, I would like to tell you this.

♪ You make me feel ♪

♪ You make me feel like ♪

♪ A natural ♪

♪ Woman ♪

♪ Woman! ♪

(laughter)

All right, ring it up.
Let's end this nightmare.

♪ ♪

(whooping, laughter, indistinct chatter)

All right, you can take it off now.

(phone ringing)

Oh, God.

- Is that your dad?
- No, it's this guy who works at Home Depot...
He likes to talk dirty to me.

Hey, Steve. I got to call you back.

No, you're a whore. Gotta go.

Okay, Jill, your turn. Truth or dare?

Um, truth, please.

How many times a week do you and Andy have sex?

to .

- Oh, my God! Seriously?
- You lie!

I don't even have sex times a year.

You could at least pretend to be surprised.

Wait. Don't you get bored?

Nah. We mix it up with toys and role play.

My favorite is "upscale Realtor at a very open house."

BONNIE: Mmm.

My mom was a Realtor.

She used to let me stick the signs in the lawn.

(clicks tongue) I'd forgotten about that.

Nice work, Jill.

How was I supposed to know?

Pillow fight!

(laughter, indistinct shouts)

Whoa!

Whoa. Whoa.

(panting)

(grunts)

What's wrong with you?

What do you mean? She was whaling on me!

Yeah, but you really crossed a line.

We don't hit our elders. They're brittle.

You know what? Screw you guys.

(door slams)

(Marjorie sobbing)

Don't worry, it's not a slumber party till somebody cries.

♪ ♪

Well, this party just went off a cliff.

No, it's okay.

This is the part where we pick sides.

We're not . We're not picking sides.

I'm gonna go check on Bonnie.

I'll check on Marjorie.

Well, we just picked sides, but okay.

Bonnie makes me angry in a way no one else can.

Maybe I hit her too hard with the pillow, but a woman can only take so much.

Marjorie, it isn't safe to eat raw cookie dough.

Seriously?

You're worried about cookie dough?

I used to huff bug spray.

I'm sorry that tonight got messed up.

I just wanted to keep your mind off your dad.

It did. A little.

Not at all.

But I appreciate it.

I honestly don't know what I'm gonna do if he calls.

Well, whatever you decide, I got your back.

- And I got yours.
- Good. 'Cause what do you want to bet

Marjorie's out there talking smack about me right now?

No, she's not.

Yes, she is. (chuckles)

Sorry, I've been spying on both sides.

- Well, come on in.
- Okay.

This is really turning out to be a great slumber party. I was worried without wine coolers and boys sneaking in, it was gonna suck.

Well, I'm beginning to think that getting a bunch of alcoholics together to act like teenagers was a bad idea.

So what now?

Well, Bonnie's got to go out there and beg for Marjorie's forgiveness, and then when Marjorie goes to sleep, we have to put her hand in hot water so she pees herself.

Your call, big sauce.

Well, that's pretty immature.

- I love it.
- Aah!

Oops. I'm sorry.

- What's going on?
- I'm calling an Uber and going home.

Pissed off and leaving early?

For women who have never been to a slumber party, you're sure checking all the boxes.

Oh, come on.

Can't we just let this go and have some fun?

How about you dare me to go to Jiffy Lube and say I didn't know it was for cars?

Tammy, I'll bake you a cake tomorrow and we'll celebrate.

Actually, I think I'm gonna go, too.

Maybe we should just call it a night.

We haven't even talked anybody into cutting their hair yet.

Nobody is going anywhere.

Hey! I don't want to hear it, Bonnie.

What is wrong with you?

Why are you being such a grouchy, grumpy, grocery-store-cake-buying sourpuss?

My doctor told me that I have something wrong with my heart.

I love you so much.

You have to live forever.

Put your meat sticks down. Marjorie needs a heart transplant.

No. It's nothing like that.

(sighs) I need a stent put in my existing heart.

- Oh, my God.
- That's so awful.

But still, that was no excuse for hitting you like that.

Bonnie, I'm sorry.

I guess I just didn't realize how afraid I am.

I forgive you. And I won't make you pee yourself when you fall asleep.

- What?
- What?

Why didn't you tell us?

'Cause it's Tammy's birthday... I didn't want to ruin it.

Honestly, there's no ruining it.

I've been freaked out myself all night long.

Every time my phone makes a noise, my heart stops.

Sorry, Marjorie.

New game.

It's okay, Jill... That ship has sailed.

Nope. This one's called Fear Bucket.

I just made it up.

Ah. These were for Pictionary, but I'm gonna pivot.

Write down your deepest fears, and we are gonna set 'em on fire so they lose their power.

Be honest.

And they can't all be: "I'm afraid Marjorie's gonna die."

♪ ♪

"I'm afraid of making a mistake at work and hurting someone."

"I'm afraid

"if I don't take my dad's call, I'm gonna regret it,

"and I'm afraid if I answer the call,

I'll be betraying my mother."

"I'm afraid Andy and I are having so much sex because we have nothing to talk about."

"I'm afraid I'm not going to get to see my granddaughter grow up."

"I'm afraid of spiders."

"I'm afraid the people in this group don't know how much I love them."

Aw...

- Shut up. I meant to write spiders.
- (laughs)

Is it just me, or is this the best game we've played all night?

- I loved it.
- Absolutely. - Absolutely.

(Southern accent): We should put some hot dogs on them fears.

(laughter)

(phone ringing)

It's him. I still don't know what to do.

Got your back.

(takes deep breath)

Hello?

Yes, I'll accept the call.

Yeah. Hi.

(exhales) Well, I wasn't gonna, but here I am.

So... what's new with you?

Really? I'm sober, too.

Yeah, almost three years, yeah.

Wow, that's a long time.

Good for you.

Look, um...

I'm with my friends, so I can't really talk right now, but...

(choked up): thank you for remembering my birthday.

Okay, bye.

(laughs)

♪ ♪

(groans) My back is gonna hate me in the morning.

My left ass cheek is totally numb.

We may be too old to sleep on the floor.

Why does Marjorie get the couch?

(quietly): Because she's dying.

I'm not dying and I'm not deaf.

Although lately I've been having trouble in noisy restaurants.

Guys, it's almost : a.m.

We've got to go to sleep.

Jill's right. We're gonna be so cranky in the morning.

Thanks for the best birthday ever, you guys.

Good night.

- Good night.
- Good night.

- Good night. - Night.
- Good night.

(ringtone playing)

Unbelievable.

Hi, Christy.

No. I'm up.

How's it going, honey?