Sonic the Hedgehog (2020)

[bunniefuu]

So... I know what you're thinking.

Why is that incredibly handsome hedgehog being chased by a mad man with a mustache from the civil w*r?

Gotta be honest, it feels like I've been running my whole life.

Is this too much? Am I going too fast?

It's kinda what I do. You know what? Let's back up.

This is the island where I am from.

It had everything: sandy beaches, cascading waterfalls, public access to loop-de-loops.

And I never had to catch a school bus because I can run across the entire island in less than two seconds.

Also, there was no school.

I know, pretty sweet island, right?

I was born with extraordinary powers, and was told to keep them in secret.

And like any kid, I did the exact opposite.

That's Longclaw, she took care of me.

She was basically Obi-Wan Kenobi, if Obi-Wan Kenobi had a beak and ate mice.

Sonic, someone could've seen you!

No one saw me. I am too fast!

And, I wanted to bring you this.

Get down!

Turns out with great power comes great power-hungry bad guys.

And I let them right to us.

Listen carefully, Sonic.

You have a power unlike anything I've ever seen.

And that means someone will always want it.

The only way to stay safe is to stay hidden.

This word is on the farthest side of the universe. You should be safe there.

-I don't wanna go without you! -You must!

These rings will be your most important possession.

If you ever discovered, use one.

Never stop running. Now go!

Longclaw!

-Goodbye, Sonic. -No!

No!

C'mon, one car?

I'm bored.

Tom, do you read me? Are you there?

No, Wade, I'm actually on a yacht in Barbados with Rihanna.

OMG. That's amazing, please send pics.

No, Wade, I'm at the speed trap.

Already? How did you get back so fast? Barbados is in the ocean.

Hang on, I think I got something.

Hey, buddy, where's the fire?

We've got kids living around here.

It was kinda funny, sorry.

What?

Tom, we need you down on Main Street. There's been a violent g*ng sh**t-out.

Just kidding, a dog stole a bagel. But they do need it back.

Buddy, you almost got yourself k*lled out there.

What are you, some kind of an adrenaline junkie?

Must be rough being slow all the time.

I'll tell you what, today is your lucky day.

Have you ever felt so alive?

This is great, you're doing amazing.

Oh, jeez!

Good recovery!

Let's keep this our little secret, okay?

You never saw me. I was never here.

So, what were you expecting?

A dirty little hedgehog eating berries, and struggling to survive?

Think again, because I am living my best life on Earth.

I've got a library.

A home gym.

And a state of the art security system.

Oh, no!

And if I ever discovered, I'll follow Longclaw's instructions, and use my rings to escape to a new planet.

A nice, safe little world filled only with mushrooms.

Gross, smelly mushrooms...

I hate mushrooms.

But let's not worry about all of that.

This is Green Hills.

The greatest place on Earth.

These are my people, and there, I say, I am their lovable space creature.

So what if they don't know I exist?

My favorite person is the Donut Lord.

Protector of this town, and defender of all creatures, big and small.

Morning, Donald, Daisy, Daffy.

Donut Lord lives with Pretzel Lady.

She is super nice to animals, and strangely was born without bones.

There is one person in town who's actually onto me.

He calls me The Blue Devil.

-I almost caught him last night. -Say hello to Crazy Carl.

We have fun together.

I know you're out there!

And I know you're real!

No, I'm not.

Movie night is my favorite.

Please, please...

Yes! Keanu, you are a national treasure.

-When I find you-- -Pop quiz hot-sh*t.

There's a b*mb on the bus.

Pop quiz hot-sh*t. The classic line.

Basically, we're like a family, even though we haven't met yet.

You don't think your prolonged isolation is making you a bit crazy perhaps?

Crazy? Me? No way, Doc. You got me all wrong.

And despite all these so called friends of yours, deep down you are still rather lonely?

Perhaps afraid you'll be alone forever?

Hey! No, no...

Get out of there! Come on! Oh, come on! Get out of there!

Get out of there, you trash pandas!

Maddie, as Green Hills most respected veterinary, what is the fastest way to exterminate a racoon?

Hi, Ozzy. Hello. You're glad to see me?

You don't eat garbage, do you?

What's that?

-Is that what I think it is? -Open it.

-It's kinda small, is that bad? -Just... open it.

Dear Thomas, we have reviewed your application to the San Francisco Police Department, and pending inter departmental review and background check.

And we are happy to inform you that you have been selected to join our team.

Wow! Oh my God!

San Francisco sucks?

Wrong one.

-You never had a doubt, huh? -No!

-I can't believe this! -I know. You did it!

What are those?

Apartments for rent I found on Zillow.

I though Ozzy and I can fly there tomorrow, and check out some neighborhoods.

I mean, this is all happening so fast.

Man, it's the craziest thing, you apply for the job, you get the job.

-Well, pending a background check. -Oh, man, hope they don't find out about that time you used the neighbor's WiFi.

Correction, I'm still using the neighbor's WiFi.

But, Maddie...

Are you sure you're okay with this?

Thomas Michael Wachowski, what did you do the entire time I was in a veterinary school?

I worked the second job to pay the rent, and--

A third job to pay tuition.

You sacrificed for me, I'm happy to sacrifice for you.

Babe, are you sure you're okay with this?

I mean, there's been a Wachowski protecting this town for more than 50 years.

This is a big change.

I'm positive.

It's time for this guy to get out there and prove himself.

I love Green Hills, but...

You know, I wanna help people in real trouble.

I want someone to turn to me in a life-or-death situation, and I'll be there for them.

-I get it. I'm so proud of you. -Thank you.

And so it is with a heavy heart, that I tell you all that I've accepted a position at the San Francisco Police Department effective immediately.

It's gonna be tough to leave my home town, and all my friendships.

But this is something I feel like I need to do, to grow, as both an officer, and a man.

What do you think, Sergeant Sprinkles?

That wasn't so bad, right?

Now all I gotta do is... tell everyone who isn't a donut.

Whoa, the play-offs.

So cool.

We're at the ninth, tie score.

And exactly who you want at the plate with a game on the line, Sonic.

But staring him down from the pitcher's mound is the most fearsome southpaw in Green Hills, also Sonic.

Okay, focus, Sonic.

If you win this game you'll be the most beloved kid in Green Hills.

Hit it to the guy in left, he's a real space case.

I can't with that guy.

Hey, batter Sonic, hey, batter Sonic, is so in batter Sonic.

I got it, I got it...

I don't got it.

Go home! Go home!

Come on!

Safe!

Yes! Yes! I did it!

Did you see that? I did it! I did it.

I really am alone.

All alone. Forever.

I'm sure no one noticed that giant blue expl*si*n, right?

-Hey, Wade. -Hi, Tom. Wade here.

What is going on?

-Oh Gosh, I think the power is out. -Yap, dur.

The lights are out. The whole town is freaking out.

-What should I do? -Okay. Relax.

Take a deep breath, call Gil, see if they can locate the down line, then... call Zim, and see if he can get his generator over to the Super Cue

-so the food stays fresh. -Call Zim before Gil?

-Call Gil-- Hello? Wait. Wait! -I'll call you back.

Hello? Was that the end of the instructions?

Okay. All right. You can do this.

What was the first thing he said to do?

Right. Relax.

Twenty minutes ago an energy surge knocked our power across the entire Pacific Northwest. What do we know?

Our first instinct was it was an EMP.

But electromagnetic pulses don't have that kind of power.

NASA has ruled out meteor strikes or solar flares.

The Department of Energy says it's not a power plant malfunction.

Sounds like we're really good at figuring out what it wasn't.

This could be a prelude to a larger att*ck.

I'm suggesting we scramble the fifth and sixth regiment. - No, no...

This needs a much more sophisticated mind. Someone who understands technology.

-You wanna send in a lab rat? -Not just any lab rat.

A lab rat with the teeth.

You're not suggesting who I think you're suggesting.

-I know he's a little weird-- -Weird?

-No, no. No way! -He's a psychological terrifier.

But he's also brilliant. Five PhDs. IQ off the charts.

And his drone tech is revolutionary.

-You're sure he can handle this? -He has a perfect operations record.

-Remember the coup in Pakistan? -No.

-Or the uprising in Azerbaijanistan? -It's not even a country.

Exactly. And you can thank Robotnik for that.

I can't believe you're bringing that freak into this.

Neither can I, but...

We have no choice.

Guys, coming up!

Yes, Major.

What the--

Are you in charge here?

-Yes, I am. -No. Wrong!

-Name-- -I'm in charge!

-Me! -Is Major--

-Ben-- -I'm in charge.

You've never seen anything like this before?

It says I'm a top banana in a world full of hungry little monkeys.

Allow me to clarify.

In a sequentially ranked hierarchy based on level of critical importance the disparity between us is too vast to quantify. Agent Stone.

-The Doctor thinks you're basic. -I'm initiating a sweep sequence.

Ten miles in every direction should suffice.

-Is he still looking at me funny? -Yes, he is.

Tell him to stop or I'll pull out his search history.

If you don't stop looking, the Doctor, he'll take a closer look--

-I'm not deaf. -And tell him his men report to me now.

Excuse me? Listen, pal, I don't know if you're realize--

I'm sorry, Major, what was your name?

-Benning-- -Nobody cares! Nobody cares.

Listen, Major Nobodycares.

You know why nobody cares who you are?

Because nobody cares about your feeble accomplishments.

And nobody cares about how proud your Mommy is that you're now reading at a third grade level.

Have you finished 'Charlotte's Web' yet? Spoiler alert, she dies in the end.

But she leaves a big creepy egg sac.

Oh, my babies.

Look what came out of my egg sac.

You know what I love about machines?

They do what they're told. They follow their programming.

They don't need time-off to get drunk, and put the boat in the water.

And you do what you're told.

Stand over there on the edge of your personal abyss.

And watch my machines do your job.

-Can you feel it, Stone? -I can feel it, Doctor.

It's evolution, Stone.

It's evolution!

-Agent Stone? -Doctor.

Do you see anything useful in this image?

-Nothing at all, Doctor. -Of course you don't.

Your eyes weren't expertly trained to spot tracks by the Native American Shadow Wolves.

That's extraordinary.

No, what extraordinary is...

I determined the exact height, weight, and spinal curvature of this creature.

And my computer can't find a single match for it, anywhere in Earth's animal kingdom.

This blackout was not a t*rror1st att*ck, and that's no baby Bigfoot.

This guy is something else entirely.

Divert all search units to the site of the footprint.

That's one small step for man, one giant leap for me.

Okay, okay. Everything is fine.

You played some baseball, got a little upset.

Lightning shut out of your butt, and now they're coming for you.

All right, all right. Earth isn't safe anymore.

Time for plan B - Mushroomville. I gotta take my stuff.

Okay, essential items only.

Okay, toothbrush, toothpaste, hair gel, night light, funny hat.

This half-eaten cantaloupe, and my scented candle.

My entire comic book collection.

Bean bag chair, can a bean bag chair fit in the backpack? No, no.

Of course not. That's stupid.

Okay, what else? The rings! The rings, yes, of course!

Here we go. Ring time. Mushroom planet, here I come.

Oh, no! They're right outside, I gotta go somewhere else.

Goodbye, cave.

-Hi. -Hey.

What are you doing?

Just coloring with Jojo and Rachel.

That sounds half-fun.

Hey, exciting stuff here. We had a power outage.

The whole town went dark.

It was like a sign telling me to get outta Dodge.

-Wade must've lost his mind. -Yeah.

And he does not have much to lose.

How's your sister? Does she convince you to leave me yet?

No, but she did tell me to check your phone for dating apps.

The only apps on my phone are the ones that came with it.

-And the Olive Garden. -Ah, because when you're there--

You're family.

No way!

The racoons are back. And they are in for a surprise.

Your surprise better not be my tranquilizer g*n. They're just hungry.

And also, that's for bears.

-Good, now I know it'll work. -Tom!

I'm kidding, I'm just gonna use it to scare them.

-Possibly to death. Love you, honey, bye. -To--

D-I-V-O-R-S-E.

Okay, I'm in. With minimal damage to Donut Lord's property.

Here we go.

Didn't work out on Earth, but that's okay. You're going to a safe world.

A nice safe world full of mushrooms. Mushrooms there will be your only friends.

That sounds awful, I can't do this.

You have to do it, there's no other option.

All right.

SFPD, pending background check. Paws in the air!

Uhhh... meow?

San Francisco?

No.

What?

The Blue Devil.

-Donut Lord? -You can talk?

You're not--

-You're not here to abduct me, are you? -You abducted me!

Okay, it's a fair point. What are you?

Why are you hiding out in my garage?

I needed somewhere safe, and you are the only person I could think of, Donut Lord.

-Why do you keep calling me Donut Lord? -'Cause you talk to donuts, and then eat them if they get out of the line.

-Again, fair. -Wait... Where are all the mushrooms?

Why am I still on Earth? What did-- Oh, no, I lost my rings!

What?

What's happening? Is this your mothership?

-I'm not in the mood to get probed. -You think you're worried?

I'm not even wearing pants.

What the--

-They're coming for me! -Who's coming for you?

-What does that have to do with me? -I don't have time to explain, -but you have to help me. -No, I don't. Why?

Well, my legs, which normally would be classified as lethal weapons feel like spaghetti.

I need your help, please. It's life or death.

Fine, come with me.

Little help?

-All right, stay here. And be quiet. -Good plan, great plan.

How are we working so well together? Practically finishing each other sentences.

Okay, bye.

Hello there.

Can I help you?

Good morning, my rural chum.

I'm... from the power company, investigating the blackout.

If you don't mind I'd like to take a few readings inside your house?

No kidding, you're from the power company?

You must know my buddy Spencer. We play softball together.

Spence, he's a good man.

-Yeah, yeah... come on in! -Great.

Take all the readings you need. Except...

Don't the power company usually take their readings from outside the house?

That way they can check even if you're not home.

Also, my buddy Spencer works at the gas company.

And he's more of an ultimate Frisbee guy. So, you wanna tell me why you think I'm dumb enough to just let you walk inside my house?

-I'm sorry, Mr..? -Wachowski.

But everyone calls me Tom.

Except my dentist, he calls me Tim.

But it's go on for so long now that it would be just weird if I corrected him.

Well, Tom, whose dentist calls him Tim.

You may have noticed that this entire town has been experiencing a power outage.

Yup, no lights, picked up on that.

Twenty minutes ago I tracked an energy pulse with the similar signature to the one that caused that disruption.

Listen, Mr..?

Doctor. Doctor Robotnik.

But my dentist calls me Rob.

Look, Doctor Robotskiz...

I'm sure what you're here for is very serious, but it's got nothing to do with me, you can ask anyone in town.

-Everyone knows me. -I bet they do.

I'm sure you hella popular with a Gabs and Murls and Billy Bobs in this glorified gas station rest stop.

Which goes way back to the days of tipping cows and playing on a jug band.

And maybe some day you've achieved your goal of getting a Costco card, or adopting a Labradoodle.

But the reality is, I surpassed everything you're ever going to do before I was a toddler.

I was spitting out formulas while you were still spitting up formula.

-I was breastfed, actually. -Nice.

Rub that in my orphan face.

Mr. Wachowski, are you familiar with US code 904, title 10, article 104?

-Yeah-- -Anyone, who attempts to aid an enemy of the United States shall suffer death.

And if I'm the one who catches you, it'll be even worse.

Worse than death?

Okay, I'm a ball. Just a normal ball.

I'm blending in like a bulge.

Stop talking. No, you stop talking. Be quiet, Sonic. You be quiet, Sonic!

Oh, I hope they aren't scanning me with X-Rays, I had kind of an embarrassing lunch.

Don't freak out. Don't freak-- Don't freak out.

Don't freak out. Don't freak out.

I'm freaking out!

Why don't you had your staircase carpeted?

Compared to--

-Old pipes. -Yeah.

Probably just the house settling. Nothing to see here.

Hey!

Here's the thing.

I'm never wrong.

Well, first time for everything, I guess.

Would you like some cake?

I hear racoons have the cleanest mouths of any animal that routinely eats garbage.

Look at that.

I was right.

Note the lack of surprise.

Should we try this again?

I'm going to give you five seconds to tell me where it is. Five.

-I don't know what's you're talking about. -Four.

Hey, tough guy, I'm a cop. And you're threatening an Officer.

How can you thr*aten somebody who never existed? Three.

Come on, rack your brain!

You might be able to come up with some lame excuse to go on living.

In two...

One!

Wait! Don't hurt him.

This feels excessive.

Stay behind me.

Don't worry, I got it right where I want it.

Can you believe Amazon is gonna deliver packages with these thing?

This was a horrible plan, what was I thinking?

I'm gonna puke!

Come on!

We gotta get out of here.

Don't tell me that's all you've got. I'm just getting started.

Let me know if you wanna go round two with the blue.

Doctor!

Are you okay?

I just saw a guy race outta here and thought--

That you should stop them?

Open your mouth, and say you thought that you should stop them.

No, I thought that maybe I should check to see if you're okay.

You know what's hard about being the smartest person in the world?

-Everyone else seems stupid. -Yes. Way to go.

You got that one.

Whatever this creature is, it's our job to secure it, neutralize it, uncover the source of its power.

And if it resists... we take it apart, piece by piece.

See what makes it tick.

-Stone. -Doctor.

Call Optical Illusions.

Tell them I need new frames.

They know what kind I like.

And bring that quill.

Yes, Doctor.

All right, pal, You need to start talking right now.

Who are you? What are you?

I'm a hedgehog, I feel like that's obvious.

-And I'm in big trouble. -You're in big trouble?

You're not the one who punched some sort of government weirdo back there.

You think you have problems? I lost my rings!

Rings? What are you talking about?

Okay, rings are how all advanced cultures travel between worlds.

And now mine are on top of a pointy building I've only ever seen on your skin tight t-shirt.

So, I'd like you to take me to San Francisco, so I can get back my rings and use them to go to the Mushroom planet.

-Mushroom planet? -Yes!

Right.

-Okay, pal. Out you go. -I'm sorry, what?

Look, this is the worst possible time for me to get myself into trouble, okay?

You asked me to save your life, I saved your life.

Now please, go find your rings, and your Mushroomland.

Hopefully I'm gonna wake up in the hospital bed, and the doctors gonna tell me that my colonoscopy was a big success.

-Okay? So, goodbye. -Okay, goodbye.

Goodbye.

-Why aren't you leaving? -I don't know where San Francisco is.

It's West. West?

Straight sh*t, can't miss it. Fine. That's cool.

I'm totally cool saying goodbye now.

So, as I crashed into the cold dark water of the Pacific I realized a few things. a) I have no idea where I'm going; b) salt water stings. c) I shouldn't even be on this planet right now, but I am.

-Why? Because you sh*t me! -I know.

You sh*t me!

All right. I heard you the first time. You don't have to... pile it on, good grief.

I'm wet. I'm cold.

There's a fish on my head!

And clearly I'm not gonna be able to do this on my own.

-All right, get in the truck. -Really? You gonna help me?

I guess it is a little bit of my fault that all of this happening to you.

Not a little bit, entirely. It is entirely your fault.

Okay, it's entirely my fault. Are you coming?

Yes.

Roadtrip.

What am I doing?

All right, there's gonna be rules on this trip. Number one: do exactly as I say all the time.

-Got it? -Got it, Donut Lord.

Would you stop with the Donut Lord?

I have a name. It's Tom.

I'm Sonic.

Sonic? Sonic.

So, you've been spying on us all for years.

I mean, I wouldn't call it spying.

We were all just hanging out, only I wasn't invited, and no one knew I was there.

I can't believe Crazy Carl was right all this time.

Yeah, you should call him Super Observing Carl instead.

-Oh my God, stop the car right now! -What? What?

The World's Largest Rubber Band Ball? We gotta see it!

No, no. This is not some fun family roadtrip, okay?

The government wants to dissect you, and arrest me. This is serious.

You were right. It was lame. Gift shop was cool, though.

I got you a mouse pad.

When are we gonna get there?

We will get there when we get there.

All right, I'm gonna go check in with Wade to see if he knows what's going on.

You gonna see Wade in that glass thing?

What is it? A teleportation box?

It's a pay phone.

It's mostly for drug dealers and fugitives from the law, which is us.

Stay in the car. I don't want anybody seeing you.

Fine!

Okay. Okay. That is the coolest place on Earth, but you have to stay in the car.

Be strong. Be strong.

Hello. Green Hills Police Department.

-Wade, it's me. -Hi, I'm so glad that you called.

So, some guys came in asking some questions. A little creepy.

Kinda reminded me of guys from Men in Black, but not as likable, or charming as Will Smith.

Wait, what kinda questions?

Questions about terrorism.

I told them that, like-- I've gone ice fishing with Tom.

He doesn't know how to make a b*mb. He can't even make, like bait in the cold.

All right, Wade, listen to me. This is really important.

Don't tell them that we talked, okay?

You know, I think they already know.

Mr. Wachowski.

Tom.

I want you to know that the only other person who have ever punched me in the face was the school bully.

He hit me in the cafeteria causing a blunt force contusion to the soft tissue surrounding my orbital bone.

Humiliated me in front of the entire school.

And you know what I did in response?

I'm assuming that you reported him to the Principal's office, 'cause, you know that kinda behavior is really unacceptable.

No, I examined the inefficiency of a world with blunt traumed brain, and I used technology to resolve that inefficiency.

The boy ate his meals through a straw for a year.

And I have never lost a fight again. Until today.

Hooray for me then, huh?

No, because you're about to become the bully with a straw!

I'm coming for you, Mr. Wachowski.

And when I catch you I'll--

Hello? Hello?

-Hello? Hello? -I think he actually hung up.

-Because I noticed that the light isn't on. -Thank you, Officer Brainfart.

If you give me a second I can get an outside line.

No, don't be bothered. You just sit there and be you- sless.

No one's gonna erase my memory here?

I will tell people about this.

Okay, not exactly the healthiest meal, but...

Sonic?

No, no.

Howdy, partner.

I'm not your partner, come on, we're leaving.

But there's a ZZ Top cover band, you gotta see their beards.

We will have to catch them some other time. Let's go. Get up.

If we stay I promise I won't say another word for the rest of the trip.

Starting... now.

Welcome to the Piston Pit, what can I get you fellas?

I want nachos and buffalo wings, and guac. Funny word, isn't it? Guac. Guac.

No kids allowed in here. What's he got on, some kinda mask?

He's actually 43 years old, and suffers from a very rare skin disease. that stunts his growth, and makes him look... like-- like that.

The face I was born with, the confidence I picked up along the way.

-Make us a Mellow Yellow please. -Okay.

-You owe me one. -I've never sat on the bar stool before.

So squishy. Oh, look at this, it spins!

Yes.

-I feel sick. -Having fun?

Gonna check this off your bucket list, huh? Big night for ya?

What's a bucket list?

Bucket list is a...

It's a list of things you wanna do in your life before you... well, kick the bucket.

I've never kicked the bucket either. I gotta make my list.

Sonic.

Why? What's the matter?

There are so much stuff I've never done.

And now that I'm leaving Earth forever...

I guess I missed my chance.

Well, I guess this is the kinda place you can get a lot of live and done in a short period of time.

I suppose we can spare an hour.

What? You gonna bucket list with me?

-Sure, why not. -You won't regret this.

I'm pretty sure I will.

New high score.

Wait a second, does this bull missing a head or does it have two butts?

-This is easy. -Okay.

I'm a cowboy, baby.

I'm okay.

Yeah!

Yeah, laugh it up.

Nice work, Romeo.

-Glad you're having a good time. -I am having a good time.

I'm having the best time, I mean what could go wrong?

Can we help you?

-We don't like your kind around here. -Our kind? What kind is that?

Hipsters.

How dare you?!

Hey, you know what? We were just leaving anyway, weren't we?

-Not a problem-- -No, no. It's okay.

No, no. We're leaving.

I know exactly how to handle this situation.

Pop quiz hot-sh*t.

You just picked a fight with a poorly disguised hedgehog who's seen way too many action movies. What do you do?

What do you do?

Am I crazy? It was supposed to break, right?

Break please. Break please. Break please, bottle. Please.

Sonic?

-Nice doing. -Thanks. It's awesome, right?

All right, who's next? Who wants some?

Who do I get to b*at up?

Hey, has anybody seen my waitress? Still waiting on those buffalo wings.

Ah, you!

Really?

-So, should we get out of here? -Yeah, time to go.

That was amazing!

Wait a second, did we even pay our tip? It doesn't matter!

Watch this. Watch this. I always wanted to do this.

-Get them! -See ya, suckers.

I can't say for sure, but I think they liked me.

-Yes! Yes! -Yeah!

Ouch!

-They got you pretty good. -I'm all right, have been hit harder.

Did you see how much toilet paper I used?

The next person that goes into that bathroom will have nothing to wipe with.

The floors were sticky. The crowd was rough. And the odds were against us.

But there was no stopping Donut Lord and the Blue Blur.

Scratch another one off my list.

You are a weird little dude.

-Okay. -So, what are we gonna do now?

I'm gonna pass out watching TV.

-You should, too. -But this is my last night on Earth.

-I wanna soak up every last second. -All right, well...

Anything you can find to do in this room, you knock yourself out.

Good times.

Oh, come on.

-That's awful, what did you eat? -I think it's called a chili dog.

You might wanna check your fur on that one, buddy.

Hey, so what's this next planet you're supposed to go to like?

It's no Earth. I can tell you that. There's no people.

Just breathable air and giant mushrooms, and stuff.

Well, look at it this way.

At least you won't be the only fun-gi.

No, don't ever do that again.

I liked it.

I'm really gonna miss this place.

I know I have to leave Earth to be safe, but what if Longclaw was wrong?

Maybe I could have a life here.

All right, we should get some sleep.

You sleep, don't worry about me, I'm gonna stay up all night enjoying Earth while I can.

Sure, kid.

As long as we're on the road by eight.

Thomas Wachowski, accused of committing an act of domestic terrorism.

Wachowski is considered armed and dangerous.

Any information regarding his whereabouts should be reported to local authorities immediately.

Did he say where he was going?

Maybe. Maybe not.

Like I'd ever tell you.

Stand down, Agent Stone.

This well-meaning citizen obviously doesn't understand the urgency of the matter.

Really?

Now, that's what I call 'good cop, bad cop'.

Left yourself open.

Judging by the quickest route to San Francisco, the approximate speed of their vehicle and local weather conditions...

They should be... right about... here.

-That's brilliant, Sir. -Thanks... for nothing.

-So, what's on your bucket list? -Me?

-Yeah, everyone has a bucket list, right? -Well, sure, but...

I mean, you are the one leaving Earth.

And I'm not planning on dying anytime soon.

Don't be so sure, your best friend is a magnet for danger.

You're anointing yourself as the bestie?

Little presumptuous, but... I mean...

I like you, of course, but...

You know, we're not best friends.

You tucked me in last night.

-Fine, fine. Best animal friend. -That would be my dog Ozzy.

Okay, let's trap this increasingly humiliating topic of conversation.

Bucket list. Give it to me.

Okay, there is one thing.

In Green Hills I've always felt, I don't know, more like a baby sitter than a real cop, you know?

So, I want a chance to prove myself under real pressure.

I'm gonna move to San Francisco, become a street cop.

And, I don't know, see if I have what it takes.

What?

-Why is your face doing that? -You're leaving Green Hills?!

-Okay. -Bu-- But-- But why?

-Why would you leave Green Hills? -This maybe hard for you to understand, but Green Hills is a small town, it's a very small town.

It's not small. There are hundreds of people.

That's a small town, dude.

It's a perfect town, and the people need you.

Please, I clean up their gutters, I jumpstart their cars in the winter.

They can call anybody to do that.

Sure, they can call anybody, but the don't. They call you.

Eeny meeny miny... mayhem.

-You're not making any sense. -Would you calm down?

You come from a great town with great people, and by my count zero bad guys trying to k*ll you.

Besides, what could possibly be more important than protecting the people you care about?

Look, I get--

Yeah!

You know what? I was wrong about you. You're not the Donut Lord at all.

You're more like the Jerk Lord.

Have you noticed the harpoon stuck in our dash?!

Sonic!

I was forced from my home, your home is perfect and you're leaving it.

Why would you do that?

-Your body! -No, no! Not again!

-Hey, hold on! -Why?

Because I'm gonna do this.

Sonic!

Sonic!

Guess I had a bonus life.

Yeah, baby!

Sonic - one, big t*nk - zero.

I'm sorry. Did we get this on camera?

-How are you not dead? -I have no idea.

But do you see me dancing?

-Yes, I saw your dance. -Is that all you've got?

No, but thank you for asking.

Sonic!

-Get back in the truck! -You go, I'll catch up.

I think that t*nk just had a baby.

Incoming!

-It's my turn! -You just had. Now it's mine!

Hey, stop fighting, or I'm taking that thing away!

Yeah, right, Dad.

-Where are you going? -Just drive the car.

I'll take care of this.

And if I don't make it, just ditch me, you seem good at that.

Hey, everyone, welcome back to my livestream.

Today, we're destroying robots. Step one.

Yes! We did it!

We did not do it. Who is this guy?

Ever wonder where your tax dollars are going?

My turn, here, just keep us going straight.

I put on cruise control.

I feel just like Vin Diesel. It's all about family, Tom.

Quick suggestion. Roll up into a ball and smash him with your body.

Whoa! Where'd you learn how to drive?!

Here, in this truck, it's happening as we speak.

I can't reach it, bring it in closer.

-What? -Bring it in closer. Hit the brakes.

-Oh, you mean this one? -The other brakes!

Give me a big fat break!

This one is cute, let's keep him.

Oh, come on!

How can something so adorable be so terrible.

You got car insurance, right?

Buzz off!

-That doesn't sound good. -No, beeping means bad! Get rid of it!

I'm trying.

Just throw it off the window! Throw it anywhere!

-I can't get it off! -All right, I'm pulling over.

-Did I get it? -No.

Here, hold still.

It's going. It's going.

It's still here.

Get off me! Nailed it!

Sonic!

No, no.

Hey, come on. You're all right.

Wake up. Wake up.

Did we get them?

Oh, no, there they are.

They are real survivors, those two.

Can we have a moment?

Pin yourself to the wall.

You know, I won't miss you when you're gone.

Human beings are unreliable and stupid, and I care very little about them.

But my machines are diligent, relentless.

They're everything to me!

Interesting.

Hold on, buddy. You'll be all right.

You'll be all right.

-I beg you, Rachel. No. It's emergency. -No, no. Not today. Goodbye. Bye bye.

-Would you stop? Open it please. Maddie! -Bye. Bye.

-Don't do this to me please. It's important. -Tom! Oh my God. Rachel let him in!

I am calling the Police. No, I am calling the FBI. I am calling the CIA.

-I am calling someone. -Don't do that.

-I'm calling your Mother. -Okay. Got it.

-Maddie, can we just-- -Tom, what's going on?

You're all over the news. I've been trying to call you.

I had to ditch my phone so they couldn't track me.

-Ditch his phone? -Track? You?

-Uncle Tommy! -Jojo! Hey.

-Now your niece is an accessory to treason. -She's not.

-Would you calm down. -Calm down? I will not calm down!

Yes, calm down. Stop talking. No, Ozzy, please. I know, good to see you.

No, no! Ozzy, stop! -Oh, good ol' Lord Baby Jesus!

What is that, Tom? Is it plutonium? Is it emails?

Yes, it's plutonium. Can we just please-- Can we just go to your room and talk--

Stop it, Ozzy! Quit it!

-This is why I told you he was no good. -I'm not engaging--

-No, Ozzy, quit it! -Door now open.

-Locked. -No, it's unlocked.

Ozzy, no! Ozzy! No, no!

Oh, catch me, Jojo.

Oh, thank God!

Can I get a glass of water?

I just thought you might like a latte with steamed Austrian goat milk.

What do I look like, an imbecile? Of course, I want a latte!

I love the way you make them!

Ready the prototype.

With this kind of power my machines can finally reach their full potential.

He's gonna be okay, Jojo.

Oh, thank God. He's gonna be okay, right?

I'm a vet, Tom, I don't even know what I'm looking at here.

Well, he's a hedgehog... Or so he says.

-It talks? -Almost constantly.

Okay.

-Holy... -What?

Its pulse is super fast.

Well, that actually might be normal for him.

-I don't know. You gotta help him, Maddie. -I don't know his physiology.

He doesn't seem to have any broken bones. He's just... really banged up.

Look at its poor little feet.

Hang in there, buddy. You gonna be all right.

Jojo, untie your Mo-- Jojo!

Untie Mommy. Sweetie.

Jojo!

I have to go to the bathroom.

He's gonna be okay, right?

Like he's gonna snap outta this. He'll wake up soon.

Oh, smelling salts! Don't you have like vet smelling salts, like for cats, or parakeets or something?

-No, they don't make cat smelling salts. -They should.

I have human smelling salts in my human first aid kit.

Okay.

Come on, buddy.

Gotta go fast!

Where am I? What year is it? Is the Rock President?

Whoa, whoa, buddy. You're okay. Calm down.

-Oh, hi Pretzel Lady! -Hi.

Tom?

-Yeah? -Can I talk to you please?

Space hedgehog, stay there. Try to rest.

You got it. I am great at resting. I rest better than anybody.

Still talking.

First of all, can we take a moment to acknowledge how under control I've been.

-Amazing. -Didn't freak out.

-No. -Totally calm.

Thank you.

Second of all, what the heck is going on?! Is that thing an alien?

Okay, so, remember how Crazy Carl is always going on about the Blue Devil?

-That's him. He's real? -Dah!

What is he doing here? What are you doing here?

I kinda sorta sh*t our little blue friend with your tranq g*n.

-No, you did not! -I didn't-- I didn't mean to.

Okay, this is kinda hard for me to explain.

And it's gonna sound a little bit crazy.

He has to get to the Transamerica building, and I promised I'd take him.

Aliens?

Maddie, your husband's lost his mind.

You can use this as an opportunity to leave him. No one would judge you.

So you won't hurt your feet anymore.

Really?

No one's ever given me a gift before.

I gotta check it off my bucket list.

All right. Lookin' good.

Okay.

You said you wanted to help people in real trouble, right?

Well, that's what you're doing.

Blue alien hedgehogs still count as people, right?

-I think so, too. -Yeah.

-I think. -Okay.

I love you. Did I tell you that already? I don't deserve you, you know that?

I know that.

So, you're supposed to be Tom's best friend that he won't shut up about.

Well, I don't see the appeal.

Stop. That is very gross.

-Hey. -Hey.

So, my truck still runs, but it's pretty much total.

You think your sister would mind if we borrowed her car?

You have got to be kidding me!

-She'll be fine. -Yes, let's do that.

This is my house!

Whoa, whoa... Now this is my turn. And I pull around him.

Sorry. And... perfect park.

-What are you, crazy? -Is there anything you didn't hit?

-Why did we let the alien drive? -Hey, I got us here.

And please, five stars.

So, this is it?

That's it. That's your pyramid.

-Wow! Look at that thing. -What happens now?

-Oh, he's... gone. -Yup.

No good. You need a special key to get to the roof.

What now?

Time for me to abuse the power entrusted to me.

We got a jumper on the roof.

Gotta get up there fast, or we gonna have a human pancake on our hands.

You came all the way from Montana?

Yup, that's how serious it is.

Okay.

You just saved a life.

Come on. Come on.

How much longer? I can't breathe in here.

Hello? Anybody there?

Do you have your child in that bag?

No.

I mean yes, it's a child, but it's not mine.

It's not your child?

Relax, I'm a cop, okay?

Plus he likes it in there, don't you, buddy?

Why would I like it in here?

This is worse than the dog cage you had me in earlier.

Such a kidder.

Okay.

No, I'm scared of the dark! Is anybody there?

What were you keeping in this bag?

A jar of pickled farts?

All right, all right, what are we looking for?

This!

Okay, what happens now?

Now, all I have to do is think of where I want the other end of the ring to appear, -and I throw it. -So, that's it?

-We did it? -Yeah. We did it.

Hey, sorry we didn't get to do everything on your bucket list, pal.

It's okay. I did the ones I needed the most.

-You two are so cute, like... -Oh, please. What?

-We are not. -No, we're not cute.

We are a couple of loose cannons just living by our own rules.

-Exactly. Yeah. -Really?

And our rules include expressing heartfelt emotions.

If you say so.

Okay then.

All right.

-You gotta go, right? -Yeah, I gotta go, so...

-I gotta go. We gotta go, too. -So, see-- All right. Bye bye.

Just one more thing.

I'm sorry I was so hard on you.

I know it's a tough decision for you to leave Green Hills.

Walking away from something you care about has to be painful.

You're not sure you really wanna go, huh?

I don't wanna go, but I can't stay.

As long as I'm here I put everyone in danger.

I can't do that.

I just want you to know that these last two days have been the best two days of my life.

You know I never though I'd say this but I'm actually gonna miss you, you little Blue Devil.

I'll miss you too, Donut Lord.

Thank you.

For what?

For saving my life.

Okay, did someone leave their 'Find my Phone' on?

Welcome to San Francisco, Mr. Wachowski.

Are you enjoying the clam chowder?

It's the government wack job who keeps trying to k*ll us, unsuccessfully.

Nice of you to swing by on your way to Comic-Con.

Yeah, what are you wearing?

It's a flight suit.

Designed to modulate my body temperature and reduce drag.

Yeah, and yet you're still are one.

Good one, you are catching fire, Thomas.

Oh, and speaking of heat, I see you've taken a lover.

Does she have a name, or should we just call her 'collateral damage'?

Hey, watch your mouth!

Unless you want a little more of what I gave you earlier?

Punched him in a face.

Oh, you punched him right in the face. It was awesome.

The time for talking is over! It's time to push buttons.

Your flying eggs are pretty impressive, Mr. Eggman.

But let's face it, you'll never catch me.

Confidence, a fool's substitute for intelligence.

That's not good.

Sonic, I know you got the super speed and everything, but Maddie and I--

Totally defenseless, probably gonna get blown up?

Pretty much, yeah.

Don't worry, I know exactly what to do.

I was not expecting that.

But I was expecting not to expect something, so it doesn't count.

Come on!

Com-- Com-- Come on! Come on!

Hi Tom. Glad you're here.

Could use some help. Old Bessie is about to give birth.

Give me a minute.

Can I give you one genius piece of advice?

Don't run.

It'll only hurt more if you do.

And it's bad for your joints, they proved it.

All right, Eggman, you wanna get fast? Let's get fast.

The hard way it is.

That was an illegal left, by the way.

So, here we are again.

We've been through so much together.

Now you understand why there's a psychotic robot-doctor chasing a super sonic blue hedgehog.

Wanna know how it ends?

Yeah, me too.

How is this possible?! No one's ever caught up to me before.

Coming through!

Excusez-moi, monsieur.

Here we go. Room to open it up.

I can't lose him!

If you can't b*at him, blind him.

Lost visual contact.

You're not allowed up there!

It's one of the Seven Wonders.

-Get out of here! -Go! Go!

You're an astonishing little creature.

It'll be funny to take you back to the lab for a litany of invasive exploratory procedures.

Any last words?

Guac.

I like that word.

I don't have to tell you how many scientific breakthroughs have been made possible by animal testing.

You're being very selfish.

-Going my way? -What a--

Who the hell do you think you are?!

I'm the Donut Lord, you son of a--

Autopilot, adjust.

Why?

Why would you throw your life away for this thing?

That's why I don't have friends.

Next thing you know, you're somebody's best man, they wanna have the wedding out of town.

Like nobody has anything better to do!

Anyway, where were we?

Oh, yes, you were about to die.

It's our Sheriff you're messing with.

Do you know Blue Devil?

Who everyone can see is a very real creature, and not at all invented by me!

-Be careful. -Just-- pull it away--

Tom.

I don't mean to be indelicate here.

But someone should get some ice to keep the body fresh.

He's just a silly little alien.

He didn't belong here!

That little alien knew more about being human than you ever will.

His name was Sonic.

This was his home.

And he was my friend.

He's all yours.

Everyone get back!

I think you have something that belongs to me.

This is my power!

And I'm not using it to run away anymore.

I'm using it to protect my friends!

Now you've done it!

Guess what, Eggman, I'm not leaving Earth.

You are!

Donut Lord?

-Told you you got this. -Hey, we got this.

-These belong to you. -Thank you very much.

No more pushing people off the buildings.

You know I can't promise that.

-You did pretty good, space hog. -Thanks, Donut Lord.

You gonna have to explain this 'Donut Lord' thing.

Nope, sorry, that's for me and our little guy. Right?

We got our thing, you got your thing with your...

-sister. -Oh my God, my sister.

Gotta go fast. Gotta go fast.

Jojo, put on my Fitbit.

Then I'll at least get some steps.

We can never go back there.

I mean, are we?

'Cause it kinda feels like we're home right now.

Really?

I kinda feel like I checked the 'save the life' box off my bucket list.

Now all I wanna do is to spend my life with the people I care about.

I wanna check that box.

Okay. I like that.

All right, everybody. Nothing to see here.

Disperse. Just another ordinary day in Green Hills.

Carl, I'll take that chainsaw.

Come on, let's go!

You act like you've never seen a fight between an intergalactic space rodent and a robot with a doctorate.

You got enough there?

-Yes, Mr. Manager. -You need any more?

Get that--

Mr. and Mrs. Wachowski?

Yes?

A token of appreciation from your government.

For keeping quiet about recent incidents, which never occurred.

Wow!

-Wonder what it is. -Money to fix the house?

-Letter from the President? -You'll see.

Okay.

-Olive Garden? -Yeah.

The way you said "you'll see" made me think it was something better than the things we said.

Have you tried their 'Never Ending Pasta Bowl'?

It never ends.

That sounds fancy.

Well, thank you. We appreciate the gesture.

Oh, hey, I guess we can close the file on that Robotnik guy, huh?

Just disappeared?

I'm sorry, but, no such person exists, or ever has existed.

I wish that was true.

You haven't by any chance been in contact with a certain alien creature since the incident, have you?

Uncle Sam would love to have a chat with him.

Very casual, brunch perhaps.

Oh, you mean the little blue guy? No, no. Nothing.

Doubt we'll ever hear from him again.

-Very well. -Okay.

-Thank you. -Great.

Yup.

To be honest, I'm pretty pumped about the pasta bowl.

So, you guys wanna watch a movie or what?

Sorry, buddy, it's a school night, it's time for you to go back to your cave.

What? It's three in the afternoon!

You know how you get when you're tired, come on.

Me? I'm not like anything.

-You guys are so uncool. -Yeah, yeah. We know.

-Hey, buddy, where are you going? -You said I have to go back to my cave.

We did.

Oh my-- Are you kidding me?

I can't believe it.

How did you--

It-- This is-- It's all here.

Look at this! Are you kidding? And the bean bag? No way!

How did you even get this? How did you get it all over?

I love it, I love it!

Well, welcome home.

Thank you so much.

Oh, no, you don't.

No second best animal friends allowed in my room.

Wait, what are you doing? Stay away from me.

Stop it. I'm warning you, I've got nunchucks.

Hey, stop. Okay, you can stay.

My grasp on sanity remains absolute.

Isn't that right, Agent Stone?

Why don't you get a head start.

Do some rockconnaissance.

Rockconnaissance. Come on, that's hilarious.

What's the matter with you?!

Here's the sitch. Uninhabited planet.

No resources. No supplies.

No apparent way home.

A lesser man would die here.

I'll be home by Christmas.

Rockconnaissance!

Come on, cheer up!

If these readings are accurate, he's here.

I found him!

I just hope I'm not too late.