08x04 - Astronauts and Fat Trimmings

[bunniefuu]

Hey, you guys ever read the back of the menu here?

It's the story of the Burgundy Bistro.

Yeah, started in by Tom Burgundy.

Wait, that's somebody's name?

I thought it was just called that to remind us we can't order wine.

I thought it was the color of the awning.

Burgundys all look miserable.

It's an old picture.

They probably had to stand real still in order for it to stick.

It was .

We had TV, cars, women wore pants.

Well, the Burgundys all look like they just smelled something bad.

In olden times, people didn't shower for months.

It was .

We had astronauts.

Toot, toot!

Make way for the love train.

(chuckles)

Hey, everybody.

Hi.

Hi.

I'm gonna give you a very good rating on the app.

Oh, God.

(groans)

And release.

(exhales)

Hey, Jill, can we bring anything tonight...

- (gasps)

- (Jill shushes)

Not everyone was invited.

Relax.

We all know you guys are having a secret double date tonight, and no one cares.

- I didn't know.

- I kind of care.

Okay, well, see you later.

Well, not all of you.

Damn it.

It's not that it was a secret, it's just that we're in relationships and I wanted to be sensitive and not rub it in your lonely faces.

Thank you.

I'm in more than a relationship.

Adam and I are in love on a whole new level.

We're above love, looking down on it thinking, "Remember when our love was new and we thought we had it all?" Now it's so much deeper.

It's higher and deeper.

And I'm sorry, I'm going on and on.

Marjorie, how are the cats?

Two of them have eye infections.

Actually, it's three now.

I warned Simon to stay away from Garfunkel.

Tammy, can you stop and get a new tube of ointment?

No can do.

Chef Rudy's rolling out his new food truck tonight, and he needs me to check to make sure it's up and running smoothly.

How do you go from a Michelin star restaurant to a food truck?

Alcohol, dr*gs and a lot of missing veal.

(laughter)

I got to say, though, it's a pretty sweet truck.

Used to be Pita Piper's Kabob Wagon, but I gave her a full rebuild.

So, how was it working with your old boyfriend?

You two test out the shock absorbers?

Oh, no.

Chef Rudy's the kind of mistake you only make three times.

I set some ground rules.

He's not allowed to look at me or touch me or think about me, but that one's harder to enforce.

(phone chimes)

Aw, it's Adam.

He misses me already.

"Higher and deeper." Your hate only makes it more beautiful.

♪ Toot, toot!

♪ (chuckles)

We thought we'd try this again around people who appreciate love.

Hey.

Hey.

What up?

I'll tell you what up...

homemade flan.

It's my first time with this recipe, so be gentle.

Oh, babe, it's gonna be delicious.

Just like you.

Mmm.

Why don't you just put that over there next to Andy's big pile of fat trimmings?

Yeah, you yell at me if I leave it on, you yell at me if I trim it off.

I'm gonna get up.

Uh-huh.

(clears throat)

So, where can I be of use?

Ah, you can help me finish setting the table.

Andy just dumped the sterling in a pile like we're in prison.

(stifled laugh)

Aren't we?

What are you cooking?

Oh, I'm gonna reverse-sear a couple of tri-tips, and then this itty-bitty piece of salmon is for Jill.

Hmm.

You'd think I'm the one with high cholesterol.

My cholesterol's fine.

- If you say so.

- Don't have to.

My doctor did.

Yeah, my cholesterol's getting a little high lately.

See, my cholesterol's never an issue 'cause I never get it tested.

The real problem is these tests.

(laughing)

(laughs): Yeah, tests.

Who needs 'em?

(mouths)

(whispers): Something terrible.

It's so pretty here.

Tammy, put this in your mouth.

We made rules.

The food.

Uh, tell me if it resonates with the common man.

I'm not sure.

Any chance you could sneak some bacon in there?

Ugh.

Never mind.

I don't know why I'm doubting myself.

These people are in for the delight of their tiny lives.

Damn, $ chicken from a truck?

It's not chicken, you hillbilly, it's capon.

From a truck in a parking lot in front of the roller derby.

Hey, buddy, I'm gonna need two buckets of chicken and some slaw.

Who's he talking to?

That would be you.

Uh, there's no slaw.

This isn't a picnic in Alabammy.

Then screw off, fancy-pants.

He gave me a double dokie.

You just lost your first customer.

Well, I didn't like his attitude.

These are roller derby people.

It's not gonna get better.

Oh, my God.

There's a whole herd of them.

Lot of tattoos.

You're gonna die.

Uh, Tammy.

It occurs to me that I might need a middleman.

Uh, someone who speaks carny.

Uh, would you stay and help me?

No.

Wait.

No.

I'll pay you a hundred dollars.

- And let you boss around Paul.

- Done.

Paul, move my car.

Chop, chop.

Talk.

You talk.

So, uh, hey, did you guys happen to catch the new Tom Hanks movie?

Oh, yeah.

That guy really is every man.

Andy can't stay awake for a whole movie.

(laughs)

Well, if you didn't want me to fall asleep, why would you leave a weighted blanket on a recliner in your home theater?

Well, you don't fall asleep watching football in there.

Yeah, I don't, because I can't guess the endings, unlike the movies you pick.

"She owns a bookstore, he's in real estate.

Spoiler alert: they fall in love." Well, at least they have happy endings.

If you don't love me, just say so.

I'm gonna go lose myself in meat.

(thuds)

Tom Hanks?

Really?

If we turn on each other, no one survives.

You're right, I'm sorry.

There should be an app that tells you when your friends are fighting, so you can fake a dead grandma and stay home.

That's a great idea.

- I really love you.

- I really love you.

(metallic thud)

Okay, calm down.

The steak can sense your anger.

If we leave now, they might not remember we were here.

No, no, no.

Jill's my friend and she needs my help.

God put me here for a reason.

It's a big house.

Could be hours till I find her.

Yes, I know, sir.

It's coming right up, okay?

Just be a few more minutes.

Thank you for your patience.

I appreciate it, all right?

I see you're wearing your beret at a saucy angle.

Are you trying to send a message?

Eyes on the chicken.

Where's my food?

We're missing the dirt bike raffle.

It's coming right up.

I need five "coke vans" and I need 'em now.

Heard.

What's our ETA?

I don't know.

I'm still on number one.

What?

Well, it's opening night.

There might be food critics out there.

I'm sorry, he's a perfectionist.

Here, enjoy a complimentary cup of cola from Paris.

This is warm.

That's how they drink it in France.

Oh, my God.

Am I the only one who summered in Provence?

- Order up.

- Finally.

That'll be $ .

(Jill crying)

- Jill?

- JILL: Over here.

- One more time.

- Here.

Here.

There you are.

What's going on?

Andy and I are gonna break up, and it's all your fault.

Hang on, I don't want you to think I'm not taking you seriously.

Okay, now go.

After seeing you and Adam at the Bistro so in love, I got to thinking I want Andy and I to have that, too.

I mean, sure, we're good, but I want to go to that higher ground you were talking about.

I want to get this show on the road.

There's nothing wrong with that.

That's what I thought.

So I came home, marched right into the bathroom, told Andy I wanted to deepen our relationship, and you know what he said?

"Can I finish my shower first?" Can you believe that?

So I flushed the toilet on him, grabbed all the towels and left.

(exhales)

Why am I even in this relationship?

I mean, despite the efforts of some pretty good doctors, I am not getting any younger.

Here's the thing...

the Bonnie-Adam journey to perfection starts in a little town I call Communication.

Well, how can I communicate if he won't talk?

Well, first you have to stop off at a quaint little hamlet I call Patience.

Adam was the same way.

He'd only open up to me after watching a movie about sports or when someone famous d*ed.

You know, someone they made a sports movie about.

After all these years and all these relationships, you'd think I'd understand men by now.

Don't b*at yourself up.

How are you supposed to understand the people who brought us w*r and magic shows?

I mean, they don't even understand themselves.

I think that's why they over-explain everything.

Oh, God.

I asked Andy to turn up the heat and he told me how to build a damn thermostat.

I asked Adam to turn down the heat and he explained menopause to me.

Sometimes with Bonnie, I say, "Okay, let's talk," and she's off to the races.

I just nod my head until she punches herself out.

- And that works?

- (scoffs): Yeah, it does.

If I sit in the right place, I can watch TV over her shoulder.

Jill demands eye contact.

You should hear some of the things she says.

I guarantee you I've heard worse.

Oh, really?

You want to play that game with me?

"We can't watch Shark t*nk anymore because you think all my inventions are stupid." "I know it's : in the morning and you're sound asleep, but why do you hate my feet?"

(chuckles)

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That fight greeted the dawn.

Okay, okay.

"There's a different brand of women's razor "in the shower.

Who are you sleeping with?" Oh, my God, my knees just buckled.

What'd you say?

I said I'm not sleeping with anyone, but if I were, she'd be smart enough to shave her legs at her place.

To which Bonnie replied, "Oh, so now you don't think I'm smart enough?" I mean, that-that-that's terrifying.

I also realized that I've been buying women's razors this whole time.

Order up.

Oh, no.

No, no, no, no, no.

It's not break time.

I can't go on.

No, you're not allowed to say that until you've actually started.

How did this happen?

What have I done with my life?

Ah, boy.

I traveled the world with nothing but my knives and a dream.

I trained under the great chefs of Europe, devoted years to my artistry, and for what?

To end up in a parking lot serving ruffians in t*nk tops and pants that unzip into shorts.

You know, those people passed quite a few vending machines to get to you, all because something inside them said there's more to life than Doritos.

Mm.

But is there?

Yes!

Your amazing chicken thing.

Mm, I'm already in a tiny metal coffin.

Just close the lid on your way out.

Oh, cut the pity party.

You think this truck is small?

Try seven years in an eight-by-ten cell with a chronic masturbator.

I did not survive that to watch you give up.

Ugh.

This is classic French cuisine.

Giving up is what the French do.

You know, the thing is, I've been in a hot patrol car for ten hours.

I mean, an -year-old woman spit on me today.

When I get home, I just want to take a shower and relax.

I don't want to talk about my feelings.

Especially when I'm not wearing pants.

I hear you.

You know, after my divorce I told myself I'm not gonna fall in love, I'm not gonna fall in love, and what did I do?

You fell in love.

I did the same thing, my friend.

What's wrong with us?

We can't say no to a challenge.

That's why we grill tri-tip.

Maybe we should think about our relationships the same way.

Continue.

You know, season it with care.

Cook low and slow, always cut against the grain.

Sometimes just let it rest.

Yeah, I got everything except cutting against the grain.

I don't know, maybe I'm just hungry.

You know what I think you're afraid of?

My mother.

Success.

I mean, restaurants are so over.

Trucks are the future.

Food on the go.

And I see a fleet of Coq au Van trucks outside every convention center...

and Masonic Temple.

You do?

Yes!

And it all starts with that one plate of chicken.

We've just got to find a faster way

- to get it out the window.

- Yes.

We could throw it at them.

This is street food.

You eat it standing up.

It needs to come with a handle, like a stick or a taco shell.

Hell, I'd settle for a damn ice cream cone.

(gasps): Our pita bread.

Paul, you're my hero.

What are you planning on doing with that?

Saving your ass.

And I'm gonna squirt mayo on it, so look away.

Fine, but let's call it aioli.

This is the best tri-tip I've ever had in my life.

That, my friend, is the magic of the reverse sear.

You took a photo of it, right?

Oh, yeah.

I already got three likes on Instagram.

I should follow you.

It's RandyAndyBeefKing.

Those bastards are already eating.

No, we're here for peace.

- Incoming.

- Hey.

Got your salmon here.

I left it on the grill a little longer than I expected, but I promise it's still fish under the black part.

Thank you.

Now, Jill, why don't you tell Andy what you've been feeling?

Okay.

- Dude, stop eating.

- Oh.

Thank you.

When I came into the bathroom this afternoon, I was just trying to be emotionally honest with you, and you got all cranky-pants.

Look, Jill, I'm a cop, okay?

At the end of the day...

Low and slow.

Um, yeah, yeah, no, I-I...

You're right, I could have been much more receptive.

I love it when you open up to me.

Jill, tell Andy what you need from him.

I need you to be honest with me.

Good or bad.

(whispers): Nice job.

Andy?

What do you think about what Jill just said?

It's okay.

Well, got to admit I'm a little ashamed of the job I did on your fish.

Not gonna lie, I was cooking angry.

I-I saw the fish as you, and I let it char on direct heat.

I'm better than that.

But I, I hear you, and I know what you want.

You want a deeper relationship, and I'm all for that.

Really?

Of course.

I love you.

I love you, too.

And I know I got to pick my spots.

There's times when you're not ready to talk.

But...

I'm like a tiny little terrier.

I want what I want when I want it.

- And that's...

- (grunts)

No, no.

Okay.

Could I have a piece of your steak?

(chuckles): Aw, of course, babe.

You can have the whole thing.

My cholesterol's a little high anyway.

Look at that.

A couple of minutes with Dr.

Bonnie, and the lovebirds are back on the same perch.

There is no doubt I should take the shortest possible path to being an actual licensed therapist.

Well, actually, this guy here sat me down...

Season with care.

Way to go, babe.

You really do know people.

And you wanted to sneak out and go home.

I never thought I'd say this, but somehow the pita pulls it all together.

Told you.

Thank you, Tammy.

I don't think I could have survived my maiden voyage without my favorite maiden.

Oh, that's okay.

I mean, I cleaned up on tips.

Plus, I didn't have to watch Marjorie put ointment in her cat's eye.

Do you really think that I could have a fleet of these trucks?

Oh, yeah.

But I want a percentage.

- Done.

- (chuckles)

Look at us.

Despite our past, we learned that we could work together and, uh, keep things strictly professional.

You have a little mayo on your lip.

It's aioli.

(thumping)

(sighs)

I got to say, I am really impressed with myself.

I mean, we walked into the middle of a breakup, and I turned it into a breakthrough.

(chuckles)

Yeah.

I kid, but I really should write a book on relationships.

Do the speaker's circuit, go on Sally Jessy Raphael.

Which, of course, would turn into my own talk show.

Divorce lawyers will hate me, but the world will love me.

Hold my hand.

This.

This is what I'm talking about!

(both chuckle)

Oh.

It's Jill.

Safety first.

"Andy just told me he wants a... "

Oh.

Wants a what?

A-Andy wants a break from her.

What did you do?