04x01 - Yes, We Have No Havanas

[bunniefuu]

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card attached would say

♪ "Thank you for being a friend"

♪ Girls!

Girls, guess what.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute!

Why do you always say, "Girls, girls"?

Do you see Molly Ringwald sitting here?

You're awfully cranky today.

Well, forgive me.

My arthritis is bothering me, my social security check was late, and I realized today I haven't showered with a man in 22 years.

Ma, Pop's been dead 27 years.

What's your point?

What are you saying?

Isn't it obvious, Dorothy?

She showered with a dead man for five years.

Rose, what did you want?

I got two tickets to the hottest Norwegian musical in town.

Rose, you've really tempted me, but I have other plans.

You have a date?

(splutters)

Never say that while I'm eating.

I'm teaching history for an adult-education program.

It's for people who never got high school diplomas.

What else do they teach?

The usual high school subjects.

You mean like the three Rs - reading, writing and rooster inseminating?

No, we just teach the first two Rs.

Fine.

But you'll be sending people out into the world who don't know you can get a nasty rooster bite if you don't warm your hands up first.

Girls, is this dress me?

It's too tight, it's too short and it shows too much cleavage for a woman your age.

Yes, Blanche, it's you.

Another date with your mystery man?

Oh, he's no mystery man.

Then how come you've been out with him four times, we know nothing about him?

Well, there is one little thing...

(doorbell)

That must be him.

Rose, would you get the door, please?

(Latin American accent)

Hello.

Hello.

We thought you were Blanche's date, but you're way too old.

Hola, Blanche!

Hello, sweetheart.

Come here!

I want you to meet all my friends.

Please forgive me.

It wasn't my fault - my cousins have been marrying each other for generations.

I'm sorry.

Everybody, this is Fidel Santiago.

How do you do?

Very nice to meet you.

It is always a pleasure to meet beautiful ladies such as yourselves.

With that accent, you could almost buy it.

And you must be Sophia.

Your face looks awfully familiar.

Was your picture ever on a cigar box?

Ma!

No, no, she's right.

That was my father.

May we continue, Kommandant?

My family once owned the largest tobacco plantation in all of Cuba.

Do you know that at one time I was the most famous Fidel in the entire country?

Until you-know-who showed up.

Who?

Rex the Wonder Horse, Rose.

How did you know about Santiago cigars?

My husband was a fan - not of the cigars, the boxes.

We used to keep all our fine cutlery in one.

Blanche was right.

She said you were incorrigible.

I guess I deserve it - I always say she's a cheap slut.

Maybe we'd better be going.

Yes.

It was a pleasure meeting you all.

Good night.

Well, I guess that solves the mystery.

Who'd have thought Blanche would date somebody that long in the tooth?

I thought his teeth were nice.

What I couldn't believe was how old he was.

You know, sometimes I really cannot believe my ears.

I know.

I should've taped them back when you were seven.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

Please take your seats.

Uh, Jorge Vega?

Michael Fachik?

Jim Shu?

Jim Shu?!

Oh, I get it gym shoe.

Very funny.

Excuse me.

I am Jim Shu.

I'm terribly sorry.

I thought you were pulling my leg.

I don't think I could drink that much sake.

Sit down, Shu.

Maria Gianelli?

Rose Nylund?

Rose Ny...

Rose Ny...

Rose, what are you doing here?

Dorothy, I have a confession to make.

I slipped through the cracks of the St.

Olaf school system.

That's very hard to believe.

I've seen you almost complete a TV Guide crossword.

It's true.

You're looking at a woman without a sheepskin.

I've got an extra in my wallet I could give you.

No, thanks.

I'd rather earn it.

Meet you at Benihana after class?

Rose.

Rose.

You never graduated from high school?

Not officially.

Three weeks before graduation, I was asked to be in the kissing booth at the founders' day fair.

Unfortunately, the first boy I kissed had a nasty case of mono.

That afternoon, I passed it along to 50 young men.

And one very confused female P.E.

teacher who smelled of Old Spice.

I slept day and night for the next six months and when I finally woke up I had missed my graduation and the integration of major-league baseball.

Rose, I'm very sorry, but, honey, you cannot stay in this class.

Oh, please, Dorothy!

I've secretly dreamt of getting a high school diploma for years, but I never had the courage to do it.

Now, with you teaching, I finally feel comfortable enough to give it a try.

Oh, all right, all right, you can stay.

Thank you.

All right, everybody, if you will turn to page five...

Yes, Rose?

Aren't you forgetting something?

What?

I pledge allegiance to the flag...

(all)... of the United States of America, and to the republic for which it stands...

Hi, Dorothy.

What are you doing?

I'm grading the history test.

How did I do?

You'll find out in class tomorrow.

Can you give me a hint?

No.

Did I do better than Boris Yushenko?

Oh, Rose!

Boris Yushenko doesn't speak a word of English and he was hit in the forehead with a mortar during World w*r II.

Did I do better than him?

No.

I'm a failure.

Rose, you are not.

Now, come on, you are doing very well in every subject except history.

Well, I'm not surprised.

It's all because of my high school history teacher, Mr. Stickelmeyer.

He was a n*zi.

Oh, come on.

A lot of students don't like their teachers...

No, I mean it.

He was part of a nefarious plot by the Germans to teach misinformation so America's youth would be really stupid when the Germans invaded.

St.

Olaf was the first town chosen for their experiment.

I guess they figured they had a leg-up there.

His orders came right from the top.

You mean h*tler?

Who's h*tler?

You are bad at history.

Girls, I am just beside myself.

Fidel's seein' another woman.

Are you sure?

Yes.

We used to see each other constantly.

Now I'm lucky to see him twice a week.

If he's not seeing another woman, what else could he be doing?

Maybe he paints, like Red Skelton.

Rose, would you please hand me my grade book?

Sure.

Thank you.

You were saying, Blanche?

Well, it's just breaking my heart.

I've never cared for a man as much as Fidel Santa Domingo.

Santiago.

Oh, whatever.

The point is, he's rich, he's handsome and we were made for each other.

Even if I don't speak Mexican.

Spanish.

Whatever.

I just don't know what I'm gonna do.

Oh, now calm down, Blanche.

There's probably a very logical explanation.

You know, you're probably right.

Oh, why would Fidel want another woman?

After all, he's dipped his toes in the lake known as Blanche.

That wasn't stupid enough to deserve a hit?

Do you know what I'm gonna do?

Put your hands down, Rose.

Since we all had such a bad day, let's all go out for dinner.

It's on me.

That sounds great.

I'll go get my purse.

Wow!

Dinner out with the girls!

Oh, let's really get crazy.

We'll eat Chinese and use forks.

I know, I know!

We'll pretend it's one of our birthdays and screw 'em out of a cake.

Boy, if I wasn't going, I'd really be jealous of me.

But I am going, so it's all irrelevant.

Rose, did I hit you too hard before?

No, not at all.

I'm trying a new hairspray and it absorbs most of the impact.

Thanks for dinner.

It was delicious.

My pleasure.

I really enjoyed it too.

I had such a good time, I forgot all about old what's-his-name.

Fidel.

Oh, honey, I know what his name is.

No, I mean there he is.

And he has his arms around another woman.

Fidel Santiago!

My papers are in order!

Oh...

Hello, Blanche.

What in hell is goin' on here?

Blanche...

How could you be so deceitful?

What is it?

Is she younger, more attractive, more desirable?

You got two out of three, Blanche.

Sophia, what in hell is goin' on here?

He's a man, I'm a woman, I've got what it takes and he knows how to use it.

I think I'm gonna lose my lunch.

Blanche, listen...

Fidel, don't sugar-coat it for her.

Look, we happen to be an item.

I'm wearing his MedicAlert bracelet.

When did this start?

Well, I have been allergic to penicillin.

Oh, not that!

I mean this sick relationship.

Por favor, let me explain.

I still care for you deeply.

I did not mean for this to happen, it just did.

When I would go to pick you up, I would always talk to Sophia while I was waiting.

And to my delight, I found her to be very...

Hot.

Interesting.

Look, ladies, I am so glad that this is all out in the open.

You are both wonderful women, and I want to continue seeing both of you.

But of course that is a decision that you will have to make.

Now, if you will excuse me, it's time for me to change into my third linen suit of the day.

In this heat I go through them like Kleenex.

Of all the nerve!

How could he possibly think I'd continue seeing him?

Blanche Devereaux has never shared a man!

Or a pizza.

And what does that mean, you wrinkled old crow?

It means Fidel is interested in more than just a cheap thrill.

He also wants a mind.

Oh, yeah?

Well, we'll see about that!

You're on, baby!

Fidel, stop!

Even surgical stockings only have so much elastic!

Hello.

I thought you two would be asleep by now.

Girls, this nightgown is so sheer I believe you can see right through it.

Oh, hello, Fidel.

Hello, Blanche.

How are you?

You don't have cataracts - you tell me.

b*at it, you 50-year-old mattress.

Why, you...

you miserable old...

Blanche, Blanche, Blanche.

You know the rules.

When one of you is out with Fidel, the other one does not interfere.

My apologies.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go take a long, hot, steamy bath, with just enough water to barely cover my perky bosoms.

You're only gonna sit in an inch of water?

Oh, that does it!

That does it!

No, no, no, no, ladies!

Ladies, let us behave in a more civilized manner.

You're right.

I apologize, Fidel.

So do I.

Well, good night.

Good night.

See you at noon for lunch?

And six for dinner.

Ten for dancing?

Midnight for dessert.

Dessert at midnight?

There's always room for Jell-O.

I just hate you.

I regret the day you ever moved in here.

And I regret the day I gave birth to you.

Ma!

Ma, I'm your daughter.

(disappointed)

Oh, yeah.

I need a Bromo Seltzer.

I need a cheesecake.

Blanche, I hate to see you and Sophia fighting like that.

She's trying to steal my man, and no one ever...

(all)

...steals a man from Blanche Devereaux.

Right.

Blanche, this is all about your ego, isn't it?

Ego?

Dorothy, I have no ego.

And you can ask the hundreds of men who would gladly cut off their right arm to sleep with me.

I agree with Dorothy.

I don't think you'd even still be dating Fidel if another woman wasn't interested in him.

Girls, look, I know it seems strange, but I happen to have strong feelings for Fidel.

I can't explain it.

Some things in life defy explanation.

Yeah - like Bruce Willis's hair.

Blanche, I wanna talk to you.

I'm in no mood to fight.

Neither am I.

That's what I wanna talk about.

We've been at each other's throats for weeks.

We've been running ourselves ragged trying to outdo each other.

It has to stop.

I'm not giving Fidel up, Sophia.

I am.

I'm fighting a losing battle.

You're younger, prettier...

In the end he'll choose you and it'll break my heart.

He's yours, Blanche.

No hard feelings.

Oh, Sophia, wait.

Why don't you take Fidel?

I have all those other boyfriends.

OK.

Good night.

Sophia!

Sophia!

Rose, I have a little surprise for you!

Cookies and milk!

Oh, my God, what's wrong?

Nothing's wrong.

You only do nice things for me when something terrible has happened.

Rose, you failed the history test.

What does that mean?

It means you got more wrong than right.

I know that - I didn't fail math.

I was talking about the bigger picture.

It means you won't get your diploma.

Yeah?

Well, you have a big behind.

Oh, Rose, Rose...

Please, let's try to keep this on an adult level.

And if you wanna talk behinds, they could show How the West Was Won on yours.

I can't believe this.

I'm sorry, Rose, but I have to grade you like everybody else.

Well, look, Dorothy, you made a mistake.

I got that question right.

Rose, the question was "Who was the leader of the Third Reich?" You wrote "Fritz Stickelmeyer," your high school history teacher.

The correct answer is Adolf h*tler.

Where's my history book?

Is this the man we're talking about?

Yes, that is Adolf h*tler.

You can call him whatever you want, but that's Fritz Stickelmeyer.

I'm as sure of that as I am that's Eva Braun standing next to him.

You recognize Eva Braun?

Well, sure.

She was our high school P.E. teacher.

It was rumored she used to date Mr. Stickelmeyer.

Rose, that's it.

I just can't take any more.

With this question right, you have a D minus.

Rose, you're a high school graduate.

Oh, boy!

Sophia!

Sophia, I'm a high school graduate!

Congratulations.

Now you can get any job involving a cardboard hat.

Well, how do I look?

Hey, terrific!

Where are you going tonight?

Fidel is taking me to the Burt Reynolds Dinner Theater to see Ruth Buzzi in Evita.

Dorothy, how do I...

Where are you going?

To the Burt Reynolds Dinner Theater with Fidel.

But that's impossible.

He invited me yesterday after the movies.

He invited me yesterday after dinner.

This was bound to happen.

The two of you have run that man ragged for weeks.

It's no wonder he got confused.

(phone rings)

Hello?

(Blanche)

Confused?

How could he possibly confuse this young, nubile body with that raisin in sneakers?

Well, there's only one way to settle this.

I'm going.

The hell you are!

I'm going.

Neither one of you is going.

Fidel isn't coming.

Where is he?

We k*lled him.

I know.

We might as well have put a g*n to poor Fidel's head.

We were too much woman for him.

His spirit was willing, but his poor heart couldn't take it.

It's all our fault.

Our silly competitiveness did this.

Oh, come on, you two.

The man was in his seventies.

These things just happen.

You had nothing to do with his heart giving out.

Dorothy, everyone here is a woman.

We are gathered here today to honor the memory of a man who has suddenly been taken from us.

What are you looking at me for?

Just keep talking.

Fidel Santiago was a very special man.

He was kind, caring and loving.

He was a man who brought joy into the lives of all he touched.

(mass sobbing)

I have the feeling he touched every behind in the room.

Fidel Santiago lived life...

Excuse me, Father.

Hold that thought.

Which of you was Fidel's girlfriend?

(Blanche)

Oh!

My God, he had his burro hitched to every bedpost in town!

But that's good news, girls.

That means your cheap, animal-like lust didn't have anything to do with k*lling Fidel.

I'm leaving.

I'm not about to mourn a man who's been with every woman in this room.

He was never with me.

I guess even he had his standards.

Hold it.

Stay where you are.

Father, if you don't mind my saying so, I think you lost control of the room.

Excuse me.

The man in that box was a bum.

A scoundrel, a cheat and a liar.

You got that right.

Quiet.

I work alone.

But there was another side to him, and it was beautiful.

He awakened feelings in me I haven't felt in 35 years.

We used to hug and kiss and hold hands, and it was nice.

He made me feel attractive and desirable again.

He probably made the rest of you feel that way too.

And looking out at this kennel club, that was no small accomplishment.

You may all hate Fidel right now, but I know the next time I'm sitting in the park on a warm sunny day, and I smell the aroma of a cheap cigar...

I'll think of Fidel Santiago...

and I'll smile.

Oh, Ma, that was very sweet.

Just lovely, Sophia.

Sophia, can you ever forgive me for all those ugly things I said?

Of course.

It was said in the heat of battle.

You know, if I had it all to do over again, I'd let you have Fidel.

Oh, you're so generous!

The man's packing material, now you're letting me have him?

I have coat racks livelier than him!

She's giving him to me.

The man's face has more powder on it than Ann Miller's and she's giving him to me.

A piece of lumber would make a better dancing partner!

Thanks for niente!