04x15 - Valentine's Day

[bunniefuu]

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card attached would say

♪ "Thank you for being a friend" ♪

What did you get?

I'm not sure.

I think it's coconut.

It's white on the inside but there's a red ring around the outside.

Oh, that's my lipstick.

I don't like coconut.

That's disgusting!

That piece of chocolate was in your mouth and I just put it in mine.

Big deal.

We took a bite out of the same piece of chocolate.

Call C.

Everett Koop.

I only breast-fed you for two years of your life.

You wanna talk disgusting?

That's disgusting.

All right.

Enough already.

Don't take it out on me because your date dumped you on Valentine's Day.

Edgar did not dump me.

He and his lawyer were called out of town on urgent business.

Oh, please.

The man sells birdbaths for a living.

What happened - a sparrow slipped and is suing him?

I can't believe it.

Raymond called.

He's got the flu and he can't take me to the big Valentine's Day dance.

I guess I'll be keeping you company, Dorothy.

Why do you automatically assume that I don't have a date?

She assumes there are seven days in a week.

Have a chocolate, Ma.

The doctor didn't know what he was talking about when he said they were bad for you.

Well, have you ever seen anything more devastatingly beautiful in all your life?

Gosh, let's see.

Um...

That was a rhetorical question, Rose.

When are your dates picking you two up?

We don't have any dates, Blanche.

No dates?

On Valentine's Day?

Oh, you poor things.

Oh, I feel awful for you.

Well, the important thing is to keep your spirits up and don't get upset.

Oh.

(phone rings) Hello.

Oh, hello, Steve.

I'm all ready to go...

What are you talking about?

I spent all day getting ready.

Oh, I could just scratch your eyes out.

I hate you, I hate you, I hate you.

Drop dead.

What's wrong?

Nothing.

Well, don't wait up.

I'll, uh...

Good night.

Blanche.

Steve called and canceled your date, didn't he?

Yes.

How did you know that, Dorothy?

I'm clairvoyant, Rose.

You're so lucky.

I get into a pool, I sink like a stone.

But how did you know about Blanche?

I cannot believe this.

Stuck here on Valentine's Day with the three of you.

Oh, this is the worst day of my life.

Quit complaining.

There are worse things that can happen to you on Valentine's Day.

I know.

Was there ever a Valentine's Day when you didn't have a date?

Please.

Until I was 80 I was combing geezers out of my blue rinse.

I'm talking about something that happened a long time ago.

My Sal and I were driving my father cross-country to a wedding when we had some car trouble.

Of course, Sal and Papa never got along anyway, so there was trouble even before we left Brooklyn.

But once we hit Chicago, the car started making a strange noise.

What are you looking at?

You don't have to pretend you know about cars.

You wanna impress me, learn to eat with a fork instead of a bread crust.

If you ask me, he ran out of gas.

Nobody asked you.

Was I talking to you?

I'm talking to my daughter.

To me, you don't exist.

Then who's driving you to your niece's wedding in California?

You're upsetting Papa.

Please find a mechanic.

It's freezing in here.

Of course it's freezing in here.

Mr.

Ziti-for-Brains decides to take a shortcut through Chicago in the dead of winter.

Pop, he didn't plan it that way.

He lost the map.

He didn't know where he was going.

I could've told him where he was going.

I told you where he was going the first time I met him.

Nowhere.

That's where he was going.

You married a bum.

Excuse me.

We're having a problem with the car.

I'm sorry, I'm starting my lunch break.

When I get back, I got three jobs ahead of yous.

Beautiful.

Just what I always dreamed about - spending the winter in Chicago.

And, of course, the volcano season in Pompeii.

Look, uh, here's two bucks.

Would you lend me your tools while you're gone?

Help yourself, buddy.

Yeah.

When you want a beer you ask me which end of the opener to use.

What the hell are you gonna do with his tools?

Relax.

I'll have us out of here in no time.

The same words he used when he moved you into that crummy cold-water flat 12 years ago.

Papa, he's trying his best.

And that doesn't scare you?

You're not being fair.

You've never really given Salvadore a chance.

You know, I don't understand what you see in this man.

It's not something I can explain.

Everything you say about him is true.

Lord knows, he's not terribly bright.

He's not terribly good-looking and not much of a provider.

But I love him anyway.

I don't know why.

It's... the little things.

You know what I mean?

I gotta take a leak.

Can you find the bathroom?

If not, I'll find a wall.

Sal, you having any luck under there?

To be perfectly honest, no.

No?

You botchagaloop.

Can't you do anything right?

I'm cold.

I'm tired.

I'm hungry.

You're hungry?

Here.

What's this?

Today's Thursday.

Valentine's Day.

Valentine's Day is...

Wait.

We left Brooklyn the 11th, so this...

Sal.

You planned this three days ago before we left Brooklyn.

Yeah.

I hid it under the seat when I was loading the suitcases.

Happy Valentine's Day, Sophia.

I think this is what I was trying to explain to Papa.

Come here, you big lug.

(g*nf*re) OK, I'm ready.

Let's go.

Papa, what was that noise?

My guess is machine g*ns.

What?

I'm in the back looking for the john, OK?

I see a bunch of guys lined up facing the wall, so I figure the toilet is broken, so I'm gonna wait in place behind one of these guys.

Suddenly, someone's yelling to me, "Get outta there.

You don't belong here." I say, "Wait a minute.

I've peed against better walls than this in my time," when I see he's holding a machine g*n.

So I decide to take his advice.

I move.

Rat-a-tat-tat, everybody's falling - like flies on your Aunt Regine.

You're letting your imagination run wild, Papa.

This is Chicago, not Sicily.

You're just a little homesick, that's all.

(g*nf*re) I saw another garage a couple of blocks away.

The car's not running.

Hey, who cares?

I am.

Ma, that never happened.

You were not at the St.

Valentine's Day m*ssacre.

I didn't say I was at the St.

Valentine's Day m*ssacre.

I said I was at a St.

Valentine's Day m*ssacre.

It was Chicago, and in those days Chicago stood for two things.

What were they?

How the hell should I know?

What am I, Studs Terkel?

I forgot.

Well, let's not just sit around wasting time eating chocolates.

Let's do something constructive.

You wanna eat some ice cream?

Mm, that's not a bad idea.

OK, Rose, go get it.

I'm too weak from disappointment.

I'm disappointed, too.

So what?

Dorothy, make her get it.

Get it, Rose.

Why are you two being so mean to me?

Because we're in bad moods.

And because we remember what you did to us last Valentine's Day.

You promised you'd never bring that up again.

What happened?

You don't remember what happened last Valentine's Day?

Please.

I'm 82.

Be thankful I remember not to wear my underwear outside of my dress.

Most of the time.

Tell your story.

Last St.

Valentine's Day the three of us thought it might be fun to go away for the weekend.

So we went away to this cute little woodsy mountain retreat.

Well, when we got there were we in for a surprise.

Isn't this lodge great?

Oh, boy, it sure is.

It's just so beautiful up here.

The fresh air, the wide open spaces...

You know, being in the mountains always puts me in a romantic mood.

Dorothy, did you ever make love on top of a mountain?

No.

The closest I ever came was making love of top of a fat guy called Old Smoky.

Let's check in.

(bell rings) (man) Hello, ladies.

Welcome to Sunny Meadows.

Oh, thank you.

We...

Whoa!

His klingenspritzer's showing.

Excuse me.

Where would you like me to put this?

Oh, well, buy me a drink and we'll talk.

Blanche.

I'm sorry.

Um, just hold onto it.

Uh, them.

I mean the bags.

Where do you put your tips?

Who cares?

What is going on here?

Obviously there's some confusion.

Sunny Meadows is a clothing-optional resort.

You mean a nudist camp?

Oh, well, we didn't know that.

Who made the reservation?

Well, don't look at me.

Rose, you made the reservation.

I know.

I just don't want you looking at me.

Look, I'm terribly sorry about the mix-up, but this is not for us.

We'd like to leave.

I'm afraid you're with us for the night, ladies.

The bus doesn't leave down the mountain till tomorrow morning.

Ladies, may I show you to your room?

Just point the way.

Oh, good, it's on the second floor.

Thanks a lot, Rose.

Oh, this is a great Valentine's weekend.

Stuck in a hotel at a nudist camp for ten hours.

I'm sorry, Dorothy.

It's all my fault.

I misunderstood the brochure.

"Fun in the buff at a mountain retreat.

"Hike, swim and play volleyball while the sun beats down on your fanny." Call David Horowitz.

I mean, how can they get away with this misrepresentation?

I don't understand how people can run around showing their naked bodies to total strangers.

It's disgusting.

It's sickening.

It's terrible.

Yoo-hoo!

Blanche, would you please get away from that window for two seconds?

Come here.

I want you to see this guy playing volleyball.

Blanche, will you stop acting like a teenager?

You have seen naked men before.

What is the big deal?

Whoa.

Is that a legal serve?

Everybody seems to be having such a good time.

You know, the more you stare at everyone, the more natural it seems.

I have been thinking exactly the same thing.

Hey, why don't we just put our inhibitions aside and have some fun?

Yeah.

I mean, we don't know anybody here, and we'll never see any of these people again.

I'm really getting kinda hungry.

I wouldn't mind getting something to eat.

All right.

Then I say we just cast caution to the wind, get butt naked and have a good time.

If I had a dollar for every time you said that, I'd be a wealthy woman.

I'm starting to chicken out.

Now, Rose.

Don't you be self-conscious.

There's probably lots of people here with bodies worse than yours and Dorothy's.

Well, then... let's just do it.

OK.

OK, we're almost there.

Here we go.

No, wait a minute.

Blanche, come on, this is ridiculous.

We can't go through an entire dinner holding these hearts in front of us.

Dorothy's right.

How will we cut our meat?

Well, look, either we do this or we don't do it.

Now, what's it gonna be?

We go at the count of three.

Ready?

One, two, three!

Excuse me, ladies, but we always dress for dinner here.

And in your case, we'd appreciate it if you'd do that for all three meals.

Oh, look, what are we sitting around here all depressed about?

Just 'cause it's Valentine's Day and our dates dumped us?

Yes, Blanche.

I wanted to hear it out loud before I had another bowl of ice cream.

I have an idea.

Let's go out to dinner and celebrate Valentine's Day ourselves.

Just 'cause we don't have dates doesn't mean we can't have a good time.

It doesn't?

Rose is right.

I mean, this is hardly a disaster.

We're not the only women who don't have dates on Valentine's Day.

Ma, you wanna join us?

I can't.

I have a date.

You do?

She's making that up to annoy us.

No, I'm not.

I have a date.

What's his name?

I can't tell you.

Have I met him?

No, he's from outta town.

Where is he taking you?

I'm not allowed to say.

Security reasons.

Ma, none of this is true.

OK.

I'll tell you.

It's Julio Iglesias.

You satisfied?

Make the reservation for four.

She'll tell us the truth when she gets hungry.

That is the truth.

He was visiting his aunt at the center.

He said he liked my spunk.

I guess it's not easy for anybody to accept being dateless on Valentine's Day.

What's so special about this day anyway?

Honey, it's the most romantic day of the year.

George proposed to me on Valentine's Day.

We know.

You told us.

So what?

You don't have anywhere to go.

I wasn't gonna tell you about that night, I was gonna tell you about another night many years later.

Same little romantic bar where George proposed.

My finest champagne... and two glasses.

Very romantic.

Well, it is St.

Valentine's Day, after all.

You can pour both of them.

I'm not expecting anybody.

It is St.

Valentine's Day, lady, not St.

Patrick's Day.

I'm not gonna drink them both.

I'm just celebrating.

My husband proposed to me in this very bar on St.

Valentine's Day.

After that, we sort of made it a tradition and came back every year, so since he passed away I've just continued the tradition by myself.

Oh.

That's so romantic, proposing over champagne.

I never think of things like that.

I'm gonna ruin this whole night, I know it.

Wait, don't tell me you're thinking of popping the question right here on St.

Valentine's Day, just like George did?

Yeah.

But now I'm thinking maybe it's a bad idea.

No, no.

Don't be nervous.

Don't you see?

This was meant to happen.

I'm here to help you.

I can tell you everything George said to me.

I don't know if that will work.

Sure it will.

Oh, come on, now.

We may be from different generations but some things never change.

Love is love, period.

Yeah, I suppose, but every couple is different.

You just listen.

We were sitting right here.

George took my hand in both of his and looked deep into my eyes and...

and he said, "You know, Blanche, you're a very special lady." And then he said how he just couldn't bear the thought of spending even one day out of the rest of his life without me right there.

And then he said: "Blanche, would you be my wife?" And... after I stopped crying I said yes.

Blanche, you're right.

Love is love, period.

Some things never change.

I'm gonna go through with it.

Well, good for you.

Here.

And thank you for listening.

Oh, Victor, come on.

Let's get a table.

There's something I have to tell you.

Maybe I'm wrong.

Maybe some things do change.

Blanche, what a lovely, sweet story.

Tell me, did his girlfriend ever show up?

You're right, Blanche.

Some things never change.

My date'll be here soon.

I'd better get ready.

Oh, Ma, will you knock it off?

Ah, you're right.

At 82 what am I gonna get ready?

I always have my purse, and I shouldn't pee until he's got the motor running.

At any age you oughta be ready for your date, Sophia.

Blanche, she doesn't have a date.

No, I was thinking more about that time that the three of us were getting ready to go away on that Valentine's Day cruise with our steadies.

Oh, I remember that.

And we were picking up some odds and ends at the drugstore.

OK, we have the suntan lotion, Chap Stick, and half a dozen cheap, tawdry romance novels.

We're all set.

We have everything for the cruise.

Maybe we don't have everything we need.

Why?

What are we missing?

We are going away for a romantic weekend to the Bahamas with Jeff and Rich and Randy.

In this day and age it might be a good idea to take along some protection.

What kind of protection?

Two armed Pinkerton guards.

No, Blanche is talking about, uh...

A Nestlé's Crunch?

One over.

An enema bag?

To the right.

Dentu-Grip?

Condoms, Rose.

Condoms, condoms, condoms!

Calm down, lady.

You just get outta prison?

Girls.

What do you think?

Well, it's not a bad idea, but...

I'm a little embarrassed.

Oh, me too.

Embarrassed?

There's no reason to be embarrassed.

These are discreet professionals.

This is a private matter.

Whatever we buy is nobody's business but our own.

I'd like a package of these, please.

And, uh, I'll take these.

And I'll take these.

Now, that wasn't so bad, was it?

Uh, Joe, I need a price check on some condoms.

These three ladies here want a couple of boxes of the King George prophylactics.

(Joe) The lambskins or the ultrasensitive?

Two of 'em have the lambskins and the blonde has the ultrasensitive, in black.

(Joe) The lambskins are $12.95 and the black's a dollar extra.

Look at all these people staring at us.

Oh, this is humiliating.

I've never been so embarrassed in my life.

All right, just what in hell are all of you staring at?

Haven't you ever seen three vibrant, healthy, sexually active women before?

We are embarking on a weekend cruise with some longtime gentlemen friends, and if we decide to be intimate, then we'll be prepared.

We're not embarrassed, we're not uncomfortable, we are not humiliated.

We're gonna walk outta here today with our heads held high, secure in the knowledge that what we have done is morally and socially responsible.

Isn't that right, girls?

I have no idea who this woman is.

I bought these for my brother.

Rose.

Rose!

I was never so embarrassed in my entire life.

But it did turn out to be a lovely Valentine's cruise.

Well, it did not.

We never even had to use those condoms.

You didn't?

I used every one of mine.

Late at night I filled 'em with water and threw 'em at the people in the limbo line.

(doorbell) I wonder who that could be?

Probably my date.

Don't make a fuss over him.

Your fiery Latin entertainers have a very short fuse.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Raymond, I thought you were sick.

And I thought you had to work.

You told me you had a last-minute emergency.

So they're all liars.

That's an asset when you're planning a surprise like this.

We've got reservations for dinner and dancing.

Ma, I bet you were in on this all along, weren't you?

Of course I was.

These dimwits' idea of romance is a Coors Light and a Love Boat rerun.

All right, let's go.

The limousine's waiting.

You little devils, you.

Wait a minute.

Honey, are you sure you don't wanna join us?

You got a marzipan bar in your ear?

I told you.

I've got a date with...

you-know-who.

Ma, we love you.

Yeah, right.

Oh...

You fell for it.

I did.

(knock at door) Julio?

(man) Hello, Sophia.

Why didn't you use the front door?

I didn't want to be seen.

Well, what's the point in going out with Julio Iglesias if no one's gonna see us?

Tell me.

No.

Once we hit the deli, I'd appreciate it if you'd serenade me with "Begin the Beguine." All right.

We sing together.

Oh, come on.

Let's try it together.

♪ When they beguine

♪ The beguine That's it.

Perfect.