[Rock music]
[Des Rocs' "Let Me Live/ Let Me Die" plays]
[Mickey] Here. Shotgun.
[partier] Oh!
[all cheering]
♪ I know pain, I know dread ♪
♪ Look, his eyes have turned to lead ♪
♪ The tears don't stop the fire ♪
♪ It's killin' time ♪
Liam's team.
♪ See your eyes got nothin' left ♪
♪ Kiss me, I am the cobra ♪
♪ It's killin' time ♪
♪ Oh, oh, let me live ♪
- [Ian laughing]
- ♪ Oh, let me die ♪
[music warps, stops]
[light music]
- [g*nf*re on TV]
[g*nf*re continues]
- Take that, m*therf*cker.
- Stop sh**ting all my guys.
Part of the game, douche bag.
- f*ck you.
- Uh-uh.
You're done, you're done, you're done!
- Yes! Uhh!
- God... damn it!
Victory, bitch.
- You know what that means?
- Ohh...
That means you owe me another blow job.
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Yeah yeah yeah ♪
♪ Hey ♪
♪ When I'm feelin' myself I move like this ♪
♪ When you feelin' yourself, ♪
♪ then move like this ♪
- Hello, boys.
- ♪ Now do it ♪
♪ When I'm feelin' myself
I move like this ♪
♪ If you feelin' yourself ♪
♪ then move like this ♪
♪ Now do it, just do it ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
[vocalizing]
[Ian] And I'm bottom now, too, if you wanna switch things up?
I wanted to f*ck a guy in the ass,
I woulda stayed in prison.
Get the lube, bitch!
♪ Move ♪
♪ Move ♪
♪ Move ♪
Mickey... [panting] I'm exhausted.
- Uh-huh. I don't care.
- We been at this all night.
And now we're gonna be at it all morning.
Jesus Christ, this is like the fourth nob job
- I've given you.
- Six, bitch.
Come on, get your cum dumpster down here.
[sighs] All right, fine.
But after this, you're getting dressed and showered, and we're gonna be productive, okay?
Oh, don't you worry.
I'm about to be very,
- very productive.
- Uh-huh.
- Uh-huh!
-[Ian grunts]
Ah...
mmm...
[chime]
[Ian] Oh... sh*t.
You can't stop mid-gobble.
Yeah, sorry, I got a text. Ned d*ed.
The f*ck is Ned?
Well, nice to meet you, Ian.
[Ian] So you drove all the way to the South Side
- for chips?
- Well, a bag of chips and, uh, ginger snap, I'm hoping.
♪ Make that body work ♪
Oh, come on, Ian, now, don't be rude.
Invite your boyfriend back to my place.
I mean, the more the merrier, right?
- What'd you call me?
- What?
What the f*ck did you call me?
[car horn honks]
I need somebody to rob my house, and I'm hoping you could help.
♪ Make that body work ♪
- Hey, fucker!
- f*ck!
[g*nsh*t]
- No f*cking way!
- [Ned] It is the toughest badass f*g beater this side of the Chicago River.
f*ck off!
Oh... right.
Yeah, I don't give two shits, man.
Finish up slurpy.
Not in the mood anymore.
[Mickey] What?
You f*ckin' serious?
[ Rock music]
[urine splashing]
You really this upset over some wrinkled old f*g dying?
[muffled] Yeah, kinda.
Why?
I guess everyone I've been with gets a little piece of my heart.
Wait... everyone?
[Funky rock]
I was hoping to get my hands on your hose.
- Take what I want
- All right.
My muffin top is delicious.
You want the bottom half?
You did not order a muffin just to make that joke.
I should probably shut it off, but then I'd miss the part where you take it up the ass from a teenage boy.
- Just do it
- [Ian] Jesus.
We can have a nice time
- Gonna be a long night?
- Oh, yeah.
Billy Elliot, corn-holing the father of my children.
You ever pitch?
Usually, but...
I'm open, depending on what you're into.
Where are we doin' this?
Follow me.
♪ You can go and make it happen ♪
What's our safe word if we wanna stop?
Ow, m*therf*cker?
Must be big, judging from the grimace on your face.
Oh. Perfect.
Yeah.
♪ J City playin' around ♪
♪ These rappers sayin' when ♪
♪ ya around I'ma take him down ♪
♪ He get aggressive when ♪
♪ they put me in the ring ♪
♪ I don't wait to take the crown ♪
Come on, G.I., pound me like an Iraqi solider!
Okay, you need to shut the f*ck up.
♪ I'm winnin', I'm winnin', ♪
♪ I'm winnin', I'm winnin' ♪
♪ I'm winnin', I'm winnin', ♪
♪ I'm winnin', I'm winnin' ♪
♪ Admit it, I'll get it, ain't get enough ♪
Yep.
[Rap music]
Okay, maybe not everybody.
You don't feel the same way?
Hey, you wanna bang?
Do I look busy?
[Rock music]
Oh, at least you finally got hard.
Yo, Angie.
- [Angie] Yeah?
- You wanna f*ck?
Sure.
We're gonna have sex whenever I feel like it.
Obviously, I'll be the top since you're... pretty much a chick, but you are gonna have to
stick something up my ass every once in a while, or I'm gonna get real bitchy.
♪ Get up, this is the price that you pay ♪
- What the f*ck?
- You like the penis, yes?
Not when there's tits directly above it.
You want it up in your poo place?
No, I don... I want you to f*ckin'...
I want you to put it away.
Can you put that away?
Put that f*cking thing away, please.
No, I don't.
You know what, f*ck you.
What the f*ck?
What the f*ck are you doin'?
What the f*ck do you want?
f*ck off. The f*ck are you lookin' at?
Tell fuckhead this is not over.
f*ck off. f*ck's sake.
Yeah, tell him to go f*ck himself.
f*ck you want? Not my f*ckin' problem.
Shut the f*ck up. f*ck do I care?
Who the f*ck knows if it's even mine?
What the f*ck kinda name is that?
That a f*ckin' gay joke?
Hey, if anybody's got something to say, f*ckin' say it. Shut the f*ck up.
f*ck you! Didn't know she had a piano.
What the f*ck?
Are you outta your f*ckin' mind?
The front door's plenty wide enough for you to walk the f*ck out.
Oh! f*ck! f*ckin' A.
The f*ck you lookin' at? Pi.
The f*ck you chasin' my bus for?
'Cause I need you to go buy me a f*ckin' Orange Julius.
I thought I told you to shut the f*ck up!
You f*ckin' bitch fucker!
Hey, f*ck you, f*ck you,
- and especially f*ck you.
- [Ian] All right.
[grunts]
- I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings.
- [Mickey] No problem.
Excuse me for thinking I had your whole heart.
You do. The vast majority of it.
Vast major... What...
How much is that exactly?
I don't know. Eighty-seven percent.
Eighty-seven percent. Not enough.
- You're being sensitive.
- Maybe.
And you're bein' soft.
Yeah, well, it's kinda hard not to...
Cooped up in here with you all these months, having to blow you every two seconds.
You know, you don't like it, you can leave.
Yeah. Maybe I will.
[Mickey] Of course you will.
That's your whole f*ckin' M.O.
Is not.
Is too.
Well, I'm leavin' town.
[laughs]
There a q*eer rights rally somewhere?
We're done.
f*ck are you talkin' about?
I don't need to be fixed, okay? I'm me!
This is it.
This is you breakin' up with me.
Let's go.
I can't.
How 'bout like a... temporary separation?
Wait. Are you dumpin' me?
I need some air. This whole quarantine thing's
- getting to me.
- No, no, you don't get to f*ckin' leave again. I'm goin'.
Where the f*ck are you goin'?
- Away from you.
- Oh, yeah?
What are you gonna do, some thug sh*t like you always do?
-[loud thud]
-[women scream]
- [man grunts]
- On the floor, m*therf*ckers!
Hey, Officer.
Oink, oink.
[Mickey] Yo, brown ass!
- Oh, sh*t!
- Oh, sh*t is right.
Come here.
[man mumbling, whimpering]
- [Mickey] And curry says what?
- [man shouting]
This is his errand?
Do I tell you how to do EMT sh*t?
Leave the g*dd*mn stealing to the experts.
We just tell 'em we'll pay 'em, and if they complain about it, we'll b*at the sh*t outta 'em.
You were right. We gotta k*ll her.
Adios, m*therf*cker!
Hey, Sanchez.
- Oh, no.
- Time to pay up.
f*ckin' right, you keep your mouth shut.
You say that again, I'll rip your tongue outta your head.
You two can put that back, or I can cr*ck your skulls on the pavement.
- You want this in cash?
- No, we want you to pick out f*ckin' stocks for us. Move your ass.
Cut his hands off, pull his teeth, he can't even be identified.
Hey, you get the g*n, I'll go get the saw.
We can bury that piece of sh*t in pieces down by the river.
- How much do we charge?
- [Mickey] bucks.
- Girls get .
- ?
Yeah. And we learned a valuable lesson.
Anyone can jerk a cock.
I jerk mine, he jerks his.
Learn a unique skill, or shut the f*ck up.
[speaking native language]
No one knows what the f*ck you're sayin'.
[Mickey] I say we put battery leads on her nipples and light her up like a f*cking Christmas tree.
[electricity crackling] Aah!
[overlapping screaming]
And you're bouncing off the walls...
I came out for you, you piece of sh*t.
Aah!
- I got him.
- Let me go, douche bag.
- [Mickey] Come on!
- [woman] Okay, drop him
- out the window.
- I'm on like the third floor.
[woman] Yeah, let's see
if he bounces. Come on.
Go Milkovich on him.
Aah!
You know what?
Better than goin' off and having another f*ckin' bipolar episode.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
What do you think of gaming? "World of Warcraft."
The business side of it. Online multiplayer gaming is the future... I read all about it in a magazine.
Think you'd be any good at it?
[Ian] I went for a run this morning.
I have a ton of energy. Oh!
Check out this sunrise.
- Look at that... it's crazy.
- Yeah, that's real nice.
Must really clear your mind watching a sunrise after a long night of gargling old man balls.
Mm-hmm. Hey, how come none of us ever learned to play guitar... or any instrument?
I was thinking that maybe we could pick up guitar or-or piano, drums even, just... it's...
♪ Hi! Hi! Hey! ♪
♪ The Army's on its way ♪
♪ Count off the cadence loud and strong ♪
♪ Two, three, four, wherever you go ♪
♪ You will always know ♪
♪ That the Army goes marching along ♪
Oh, my name's Ian. I don't know if I'm up or down or up or down!
Don't mind me while I just go off, acting like a crazy-ass loon!
Good morning, Illinois!
Hey, why you crying?
You're gonna scare Mr. Sun away.
Heavy metal diaper!
- [baby crying]
- [humming] Yeah!
No food... we go now. We hunt like men!
Up, up, and away!
You're gonna love Florida, man!
Pools in every f*cking backyard.
Every backyard! Can you imagine that?
Ah, sh*t, I should watch my language.
Aw, sh*t! f*ck! I said sh*t!
Ha ha. You feel that?
That feeling is all our problems just disappearing right now. Just... [whistles]
Whoo!
The sunset's f*ckin' beautiful!
[howling] Ow, ow, oooh!
Whoo!
Hey, what are you doin'? My baby!
Tell me to calm down!
Who sent you? Jesus send you?
- Did Jesus send you to take my baby?
- [cop] No.
They wanna steal my baby!
They're trying to steal him!
[overlapping shouting, baby crying]
Go away, go away! I-I'm sorry.
- I'm so sorry!
-[baby crying]
Have a nice life.
- Don't worry, I plan on it.
- I wish I never met you.
[Mickey] Me either.
I, Ian, take you, Mickey...
[Lisa Prank's "Perfect Love Song" plays]
How do you know you love me?
Yeah, please proceed.
I guess that, uh, makes us all done here, huh?
♪ For a moment, I pretend I'm home ♪
f*ck you, Gallagher.
♪ If I lay still enough ♪
I'm gettin' some new IDs, some cash and heading to Mexico.
♪ Feels like we're in love ♪
Gallagher's spelled with two Ls.
No, it's f*ckin' not.
♪ This isn't my first rodeo ♪
♪ By now I know ♪
♪ Nobody wants to take it slow ♪
♪ And you don't wanna be in love ♪
- Stubborn...
- Leave me alone!
♪ Be in love ♪
♪ You don't wanna be in love ♪
♪ Means you don't wanna be in love ♪
I just want everybody here to know I'm f*ckin' gay.
♪ With me ♪
Comin' back?
Depends. Will you suck my d*ck whenever I want?
They say you stole a helicopter.
[laughs] That's hilarious.
Oh, is it?
♪ And I hope I didn't say too much ♪
♪ You pay me compliments all night ♪
I mean, look at Mickey marrying some whore he knocked up.
What?
How do you know if a guy you've been hanging out with likes you?
But, seriously, this does nothing for you?
[Ian] Eh...
- Still gay.
-[Lip] Still gay.
You ready to go again, or you, uh, you need some time, firecrotch?
Take your hand off the glass.
♪ I don't wanna be in love ♪
♪ I don't wanna be in love ♪
♪ means I don't wanna be ♪
♪ In love ♪
♪ With you ♪
Ian Gallagher!
[thumping dance music plays]
[Ian] You want kids?
Hell, no. With your mental problems and my family's comfort with committing homicides?
I wouldn't mind a kid or two, though.
Well, there's plenty of strays wandering around the neighborhood.
I'm sure we can pick one up for cheap.
Wow. You're an ugly m*therf*cker.
Well, at least I don't have to hide in a coffin
- till the sun goes down.
- [laughs]
Ready to do this, Milkovich?
Damn straight, Gallagher.
[dance music continues]
Stupid... Gallagher.
Hey, dipshits, don't leave your sh*t layin' around for someone to steal.
Morons.
Who the f*ck wears those man-purses anyway?
[upbeat music plays over speakers]
[pounding dance music]
Time's up, lovebirds.
[Mickey] Get up.
That means get the f*ck up. It's my turn.
[pop music in background]
Stupid Milkovich.
[g*nf*re on TV]
Come on, motherf... f*ck!
[Cayucas' "Yeah Yeah Yeah" plays]
♪ Eastside style with a westside smile ♪
♪ I'm gonna push away the Palisades ♪
♪ Whoa, that's different but it's cool ♪
♪ Different, hear the timbre ♪
♪ Rattle of the rattlesnake ♪
♪ And we were hanging ♪
♪ underneath the bleachers ♪
♪ In my army-green colored cargo shorts ♪
♪ I stopped and stuttered ♪
♪ Turned around and muttered ♪
♪ "Damn, I guess I'm a dork" ♪
♪ Ah ♪
♪ Yeah yeah yeah ♪
♪ Yeah yeah yeah ♪
♪ Yeah yeah yeah, yeah yeah yeah ♪
♪ Catch me by the bluffs ♪
♪ when the sun goes down ♪
♪ A buzzing barfly in Silver Lake ♪
♪ Feels like summer in September ♪
♪ 'Neath the eucalyptus ♪
♪ And the versus with the shake, shake ♪
♪ And we were hanging ♪
♪ underneath the bleachers ♪
♪ In my army-green colored cargo shorts ♪
♪ I stopped and stuttered ♪
♪ Turned around and muttered ♪
♪ "Damn, I guess I'm a dork" ♪
♪ Ah ♪
♪ Yeah yeah yeah ♪
♪ Yeah yeah yeah ♪
♪ Yeah yeah yeah ♪
♪ Yeah yeah yeah ♪
♪ Yeah yeah yeah ♪
♪ Yeah yeah yeah ♪
♪ Yeah yeah yeah ♪
♪ Yeah yeah yeah ♪
[clicking]
[clicking]
♪ Ooh ♪
-[clicking continues]
- ♪ I'm feelin' mellow ♪
-[Ian groans]
- ♪ You're feelin' mellow ♪
♪ We're feelin' mellow ♪
♪ yellow in the parking lot ♪
♪ Uh-huh, I'm feelin' mellow ♪
-[dialogue inaudible]
- ♪ You're feelin' mellow ♪
♪ We're feelin' yellow ♪
♪ mellow in the parking lot ♪
♪ Ah, yeah yeah yeah ♪
♪ Yeah yeah yeah ♪
♪ Yeah yeah yeah ♪
♪ Yeah yeah yeah ♪
♪ Yeah yeah yeah ♪
♪ Yeah yeah yeah ♪
♪ Yeah yeah yeah ♪
♪ Yeah yeah yeah, I'm feelin' mellow ♪
♪ You're feelin' mellow ♪
♪ We're feelin' mellow yellow in the... ♪
You softy. [sighs]
I'm sensitive. You're soft.
- Remember?
- Oh. Right.
So... how'd your bipolar tirade go?
Oh, so crazy. Thanks for asking.
How did your stealing sh*t go?
Great. I have so much more stuff now.
Sometimes we really suck at this relationship stuff, huh?
It's 'cause you're an assh*le.
Takes one to know one, bitch.
We're good at it sometimes, though.
We work well together.
- Hey, where the hell you been?
- Jesus.
I went to your house. You weren't there.
My shift's starting.
Look, you got any money on you?
Two bucks. Why?
I need more than that.
- What for?
- My bitch of a wife thinks I owe her something.
Like I'm the only guy ever dropped a f*ckin' load in her.
[man] Boys? Ride around the block?
We look like a couple fags for sale to you?
[man] Yes.
Well, this ain't Macy's, bitch.
You ain't window-shoppin'!
You're in Boystown outside a bar called The Fairy Tale.
Why don't you f*ck off 'fore I give you a broken spine to go along with that limp wrist?
Yeah, get goin', you f*ckin' fruit!
[bottle clatters]
Thinks he can buy whatever he wants
'cause he's got f*ckin' Rolex and an S-class.
That sh*t happen to you a lot?
Every night.
From rich dudes?
- Gotta get to work.
- Hey, hey, hold on!
Tell your boss you're goin' home sick tonight.
- [Ian] Sick?
- Yeah, whatever. Tell him you got AIDS.
Got a room upstairs.
You don't b*at around the bush.
I know what I want.
Do you?
You like it rough?
Whatever you're into.
[Mickey] Say cheese, m*therf*cker.
[man] What the hell? Oh... uhh!
Hey, that's Bulgari.
That's like bucks cash.
- Nice watch, man.
- I'm calling
-the f*cking police.
-[Mickey] Yeah, you do that.
What you think Claire and little Eleanor would make of the photo
- I just took?
- [man] Who?
Whatever their f*ckin' names are.
Why don't we take a little trip downstairs?
- We can go to the ATM machine.
- If you're gonna take my money, least you can do is have
- the twink suck me off.
- That what you think he is?
- Some twink?
- He gave me blue balls.
Oh!
[coughing]
Now they're black and blue balls.
Yeah.
But we fight a lot, man.
It's how we started.
Started? That sh*t still happens.
Well, it's all I know.
I didn't exactly have the best parental role models with Frank and Monica.
There you are. It's you.
- Hi, Mom.
- I almost didn't get in
'cause my license is expired.
They thought I was a Muslim spy or something.
Hey! Oh, enjoy your big, empty, lonely SUV, you m*therf*cking yuppie piece of sh*t!
Don't worry. We'll get another one.
Oh, yes! Ian, come on, come on.
Anywhere south of here is great.
Oh, a dog!
Oh, I want a dog!
Mm. Get warm with the dog.
Bye, Bill!
Thanks!
- I don't have any money.
- No worries... I got money.
Go in and get us a table.
Yeah, go on in!
Really, go on, go on.
[Ian] What were you doing with that... trucker
- to get money?
- I sold him something.
- What?
- Nothing very important.
And it got us a lot of great food, right?
- What?
- You're a beautiful, beautiful man.
I did f*cking good making you.
-[Monica] Aw, I missed you!
-[man] Who's this?
This is my son. This is my son, Ian.
Hey.
Yeah.
-[Ian] Are you selling meth?
- What?
I found some in your bag.
You're going through my stuff?
[Ian] Is that how you got that money?
Then what's he doing out here?
- Is he cooking out here?
- He takes care of me, and I take care of him.
And I'm happy!
Hey, what the f*ck is going on out here?
- We're just talking.
- Shut the f*ck up.
- I'm trying to sleep.
- Okay, we will.
-[Ian] Jesus.
- The f*ck you say?
Jesus. I said f*cking Jesus!
Don't eye f*ck me, m*therf*cker.
Did I make you hear me, assh*le?
- f*ck you.
- Get the f*ck outta here.
-[Ian] Back off.
- No, no, no, he's just tired.
He's under a lotta stress now, okay?
His name is Walter, and he's very handsome.
And I'm finally happy.
I hitched a ride with a tractor salesman.
People like us, we can be happy.
[whispers] I love you.
We're gonna be okay.
I'd love a dog, you know?
Yeah, like Terry was a f*ckin' dream parent?
Hey, my dad took my brothers on a run outta town for a couple days, so you wanna ditch that dump and crash at my place, you can.
Was I just invited to a sleepover?
f*ck you is what you were invited to.
[laughs]
[no audible dialogue]
[Ian] f*ck! sh*t!
What the f*ck?
[Mickey] D-Dad, hold on, hold on.
- Mandy wasn't enough for you?
- Dad, hold on!
You sick piece of sh*t!
- [both grunting]
- [Terry] Huh? Huh?
Get the f*ck off of him!
[Tense music]
No son of mine it's gonna be a g*dd*mn AIDS monkey!
Sit your ass down.
f*ckin' ass digger!
[Tense music continues]
It's Terry. Send over the Russian.
She's gonna f*ck the f*gg*t outta you, kid.
Ride him till he likes it.
And you're g*dd*mn gonna watch.
In a way, Frank is worse.
Terry is worse in every possible way.
- Frank.
- Terry.
Are we gonna fight about this too?
No. I guess they're both pieces of sh*t.
- Gallagher!
- [Monica screams]
[Frank] I paid you! I paid you, Terry!
[Monica] What the f*ck, Milkovich?
Get the f*ck off me, you crazy bitch!
- This ain't about you!
- [Monica] Frank, what the hell
-did you do?
- Why's it always my fault?
-[Monica] Would somebody...
-[Terry grunting]
[Ian] Hey... is that my shirt?
Yeah.
I'm just asking.
- Whoa!
- Jesus!
[slow motion] Whoa!
Mickey! I know you're in there, you f*ckin' h*m*!
Hey, Mick, you faggy f*gg*t!
I got a little conversion therapy for you.
- You suck a d*ck, you die.
- Would you shut the f*ck up?
You're annoying the sh*t outta everybody.
Well, if it isn't the little shirt lifter.
Just want you to know, you marry a man,
I'ma put a f*ckin' b*llet in your head...
Simple as that.
Let go of the door before I...
I'm not gonna let go of the door until you let go of the door.
- [Ian] Get the pepper spray.
- [Frank] Aw, come... would you...
- Come on.
- One more, Frank.
I'm gonna count to three.
- One...
- Hey, Liam, would you get me a blanket? Get me a blanket.
And some of that bacon. Get me...
Ah, f*ck, what happened to three?
Look at the little sh*t.
Oh, my, my, my.
[laughing] Oh, he's a cute little fucker!
Oh, no, those are mine.
- [Fiona] Come on, let him go.
- No, put it back!
[Frank] Are you f*cking kidding me?
-[Fiona] Hey!
-[Ian] Get off!
-[Fiona] Hey, stop that!
-[Frank] Are you kidding me?
-[Ian] Aah!
-[Fiona] f*cking stop it!
-[overlapping shouting]
-[Fiona] Knock it off!
[Fiona] Get away from him!
[clang]
[thud]
[Terry] God damn it! Ohh!
f*ckin' candy-ass motherfuckin' p*ssy!
Get these g*dd*mn cuffs off.
I'll kick your f*ckin' ass.
You and your g*dd*mn faggoty boyfriend!
You peckerneck bastards, you rotten m*therf*ckers!
You pig-ass pieces of sh*t!
Give me the g*dd*mn meth!
Or what?
[overlapping screaming]
[Ian] Hey, get...
Aah!
- f*ck you!
- [Frank shouting]
[Debbie] No!
[shouting continues]
[groaning] Uhhhh!
Aah!
I'll f*cking k*ll you, you son of a bitch!
Ohh!
Ohh... God!
You fucker!
[continues shouting]
[man] Don't need no cops, Terry.
Don't need no cops.
[overlapping shouting]
[Terry] Come on! Uhh!
f*ckin' f*gg*t!
Get outta my house, you pole-smokin' q*eer!
f*ck you! Don't worry about it.
I been stayin' at lan's since you been in the can, bitch.
Guess what we been doin', Daddy?
We've been f*cking!
- Oh, let me go!
- [Mickey] I take it!
He gives it to me good and hard,
- and I f*ckin' like it!
- Let me go!
- Let me go!
-[cop] Calm down, Terry!
f*ck you! I f*ckin' take it!
- I f*ckin' love it!
- [cop] Get him outta here.
- f*ck you!
- [Terry] I'm gonna cut your balls in little pieces and shove 'em up your ass so far, you'll grow ball trees, you f*ck!
- You... uhh!
- What is your problem, Terry?
You been out for four hours.
Faggots! [muffled] Faggots!
[End chords]
[siren whooping]
Yeah, we're doomed.
Guess we have daddy issues.
What if we learned how to do things like a normal couple?
- Okay. Like what?
- Like f*ckin'...
[light music]
[bird twittering]
Eh...
Okay, uh, count of three, first thing that comes to mind, something normal that we could do together.
- Yeah, okay.
- One, two, three.
Funnel beer
- through our assholes
- Take a bath together.
- Huh?
- What?
[Ian exhales deeply]
[soft music plays]
This is gay.
We're gay.
I don't think I'm this gay.
No. I'm not this gay.
Can we just do one romantic thing together?
I don't know what you want from me, all right?
I'm not into frilly f*ckin' smelly sh*t.
Jesus Christ, you want us to put a blanket out and look for sh**ting stars next?
Liking what I like don't make me a bitch.
Doesn't mean I'm gonna wear a f*ckin' dress or anything.
[belches] Douche bags.
Make way. I call crapper.
Shove over, faggots.
The cops decided to make the streets safe for strollers and yoga mats again, f*ck you very much.
You ever try to get me to move to Milwaukee,
I'll f*cking m*rder you. Yeah, sure.
Got nothing better to do than watch a bunch of pruny queens slap their sacks against your ass cheeks.
[Ian] Thirteen years old, she's bringing a shiv to class.
Man, I miss high school.
[thudding]
m*therf*cker...
Hey... ah, found it.
- We don't believe...
- Finishing sentences, Grandma?
-[Ian] Mickey.
- That what you don't believe in?
Why'd you climb through the window?
Bunch of f*ckin' Mexicans out front.
I'm f*ckin' busy, Peppermint Patty.
Go whine to someone who gives a sh*t.
- You can't let hate win.
- Wake up little Mary Sunshine.
Hate always wins.
I f*cked Angie.
Everybody fucks Angie.
You don't f*ck Angie?
- No.
- Wanna f*ck Angie?
I could call her, get her down here.
- Can you take baby to funeral?
- No, it's illegal in this country.
Oh... that fat f*ck?
He'd give a sh*t, believe me. All he's thinking about is whether to have extra helpings of kielbasa or pierogi at his mom's tonight.
[speaking native language]
I don't know what you're f*cking saying!
-[continues in native language]
- Oh, my God!
I don't know what that means!
Look, don't worry, we'll get a d*ck in as soon as we can.
Yes, I wanna help. I wanna help by shoving a shotgun down my dad's throat and watching his spinal cord burst out his f*ckin' back all over his kitchen wall!
[Rock music]
Okay, you need to push the f*ck back, nutjob.
Eat my cornhole, cocks!
I gotta do this with you again?
It's not a f*cking Antiques Roadshow.
You get on the whole thing or nothing at all.
Think I'm gonna stand around here selling each piece for bucks like it's a f*ckin' yard sale?
- We're thirsty.
- Good thing there's a sink in the f*ckin' bathroom, huh?
Get the f*ck outta here.
Get outta here!
And learn how to run like a dude!
That is the dirtiest white boy in America.
Jesus Christ!
You f*cking never wanna do what I wanna do.
Maybe that's 'cause you're always trying to change me.
Yeah, maybe some change would be good for ya.
f*ck you. Why don't you change?
You're more f*cked up than I am.
Bullshit, you're the king of f*cked up.
[Rock music]
I'll head over by myself.
I'll be back in a couple hours.
What, you don't want me to go?
Probably best if you don't, tough guy.
♪ Watch me now, look at me goin' ♪
- What the f*ck, Ian?
- Sick of your whiny, p*ssy crap.
[Mickey] You're so tough, come here!
[Ian] He's a sh*t-talking, bitch-slapping piece of South Side trash I fell for.
Where is he? The f*ck is he, Mick?
f*ck you! f*ck me for giving a sh*t, you prick.
Hey, what the f*ck, Gallagher?
[Ian] Oh, he speaks!
You can give all the shits you want, but the next time my d*ck is limp from all the meds, don't go all, "Oh, it's okay. Wah-wah."
Just suck it harder, you f*gg*t.
f*ck you!
♪ You're gonna love it ♪
Hey, you wanna f*g bash?
Make you feel like a man?
Go ahead... do it!
♪ You're gonna love it ♪
Get the f*ck off!
[heavy breathing]
♪ Got a premonition ♪
♪ I'm ready for demolition ♪
♪ Start it up, start it up ♪
♪ I want my recognition ♪
You love me. And you're gay.
Just admit it.
♪ You been waiting your whole life ♪
[Mickey] Suck a d*ck!
♪ For something this good ♪
I wanna know how you feel, you know?
♪ Put me up in that limelight ♪
♪ Runnin' it like we should ♪
♪ You're gonna love it ♪
Just this once... f*ckin' admit it.
Feel like a man?
m*therf*cker!
♪ You're gonna love it ♪
♪ You're gonna love it ♪
Feel better now.
[Percussive music]
Ha. Yeah. [laughs]
I don't do normal, Gallagher.
[Ian grunts]
I don't either.
[Ian] Ahh...
[Mickey] f*ckin' love you.
[Ian] I love you too.
[both chuckle]
[Upbeat rock music]
♪ Why do you do the silly things you do? ♪
♪ Beats the hell out of me ♪
♪ Why does it make me feel the way I do? ♪
♪ Got me weak in the knees ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Don't want to talk about ♪
♪ Ain't gonna talk about ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Don't want to talk about ♪
♪ Ain't gonna talk about ♪
♪ I'm going insane ♪
♪ I'm going crazy, crazy, ♪
♪ crazy, crazy, crazy ♪
♪ I'm out of my brain ♪
♪ you got me crazy, crazy, ♪
♪ crazy, crazy, crazy ♪
♪ I'm going insane ♪
♪ I'm going crazy, crazy, ♪
♪ crazy, crazy, crazy ♪
♪ I can't explain ♪
♪ You got me crazy, crazy, ♪
♪ crazy, crazy, crazy ♪
♪ About you ♪
♪ Whoo, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Whoo, ooh, ooh ♪
[Mickey] I knew you'd come. Come here.
♪ Whoo, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Whoo, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Whoo, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ How do you keep me coming back around? ♪
Gonna see you again?
♪ I'm on a tight, tight leash ♪
♪ Why do you chew me up and spit me out? ♪
♪ C-c-c-catch and release ♪
♪ I'm going insane ♪
♪ I'm going crazy, crazy, ♪
♪ crazy, crazy, crazy ♪
♪ I'm out of my brain ♪
♪ Come here. ♪
♪ I'm going insane ♪
♪ I'm going crazy, crazy... ♪
[door clangs]
♪ I can't explain ♪
♪ You got me crazy, crazy, ♪
♪ crazy, crazy, crazy ♪
♪ About you ♪
I rolled on the cartel I was workin' for, and in exchange, guess who gets to pick where he gets locked up?
Holy f*ck.
Oh, hey, I got bottom, so... you're on top.
♪ I'm gonna talk about ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ I wanna talk about ♪
♪ I'm going insane ♪
♪ I'm going crazy, crazy, ♪
♪ crazy, crazy, crazy ♪
♪ I'm out of my brain ♪
♪ You got me crazy, crazy, ♪
♪ crazy, crazy, crazy ♪
♪ I'm going insane ♪
♪ I'm going crazy, crazy... ♪
Come here.
♪ Whoo, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Whoo, ooh, ooh ♪
Isn't that cute?
Little domestic b*tches?
Mm. thank you.
♪ I'm gonna talk about ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ I wanna talk about, I'm gonna talk about ♪
♪ I wanna talk about... ♪
I love you...
Mickey Milkovich.
More than anything.
And if you'll let me,
I-I'd like to spend the rest of my life...
Jesus Christ, save the f*ckin' speech, you p*ssy.
♪ I'm going insane ♪
I'll marry you.
Of course I'll f*cking marry you.
♪ I can't explain ♪
♪ You got me crazy, crazy, ♪
♪ crazy, crazy, crazy ♪
♪ About you ♪
I, Mikhailo, take you, Ian, to be my husband...
to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better or worse, richer or poorer,
sickness and in health, to love and to cherish you till death do us part.
♪ The field underneath the tree ♪
I, Ian, take you,
Mickey, to be my husband...
to have and to hold you from this day forward, for better or for worse,
richer or poorer, in sickness and in health.
To love and to cherish you till death do us part.
[pastor] Now that Mikhailo and Ian have given themselves to each other with these vows and the giving and receiving of rings,
I now pronounce you husband and husband.
- Now?
- [pastor] Yes, now.
[cheers and applause]
[cheers and applause continue]
[Indie rock music]
♪ She pulled me closer ♪
♪ Under the crying sky ♪
♪ In greater New Orleans ♪
♪ End of a lonely night ♪
♪ And spirits watched ♪
♪ I thought this was forever ♪
♪ True crime, water into wine ♪
♪ Woke up with the wool over my eyes ♪
♪ She said, "Love, tell it to the judge" ♪
♪ Truth frees, but it's easier to lie ♪
♪ You did me wrong, but I played along ♪
♪ And it's a ♪
♪ It's a true crime ♪
This is like the fourth time
I've Stormy Danieled your little Tr*mp.
Sixth. Come on... get your cock pocket down there.
f*ck. I feel like a Russian brothel.
This is like the fourth time I've gobbled your turkey neck.
Sixth. Get your cock pocket down here.
Ugh. Happy Thanksgiving.
Jesus Christ, this is like the fourth Showtime casting couch I've given you.
[both laughing]
Jesus Christ, this is like the fourth sloppy toppy I've given you.
Sixth. Get your Clay Aiken pie hole down here.
Jesus Christ, this is like the fourth time we've played swallow the sausage.
Sixth. Get your Mississippi bird bath down here.
Jesus Christ, this is like the fourth time
I've eaten your hot dog on a stick.
Sixth. Get your Alabama dog... dog whistle?
- Alabama dog whistle?
- [crewman] Dirt whistle.
- Dirt whistle.
- Dirt whistle.
Dog whistle. Dirt whistle.
Dog whistle's something different.
Jesus Christ, this is the fourth sausage swallower
- I've given you.
- Sixth.
Get your Bulgarian scuba mouth down here.
Your, uh, Boston snowplow?
That's the only one that I remember.
Jesus Christ, this is like the fourth shaft flashing
- I've given you.
- Sixth.
Let me try that one more time.
- Shaft lashing.
- Shaft lashing.
Shaft lashing, shaft lashing.
Jesus Christ, this is like the fourth shaft lashing I've given you.
Sixth. Come over here with that sweet lovin' mouth.
- Only on Showtime.
- [laughter]
You must be joking.
What, you're... You're f*cking him?
- What'd ya hit?
- Girl at school.
Don't forget to check for hair behind the grill.
I don't know what you see in that geriatric Viagroid.
Why don't you tell me, John Wayne Gacy?
g*ns ain't Garanimals.
Well, Sasha needs to find out that my wife's a hooker, not a sl*ve.
Jesus Christ, Russian whores know how to run their mouths when there ain't some dude's junk jammed in there.
What the hell is this? Poolside at the Flamingo?
We got a line of clients upstairs with their hands down their pants... go to work!
Don't think you're gettin' off just 'cause you're about to drop a patty from your fur burger.
- Fur burger?
- She won't shave.
- I like the way God made me.
- That's nice.
You're late again, I'ma dock you .
- This isn't a shelter.
- No sh*t.
Shelter has better water pressure.
- Oh, make yourself at home.
- You got a problem?
This should more than cover the Bisquick, assh*le.
Hey, you plan on giving a beatdown to every guy Mandy's been with?
Your arms are gonna get f*ckin' tired.
Hey, Nanook of the f*ckin' North, why don't you lose parka unless you're planning on banging' Eskimos.
Yeah, you know when someone robs me with my own f*ckin' g*n, they're not my friend.
I'm kinda funny like that.
Work it out with a f*cking AR- to his f*ckin' head.
That's how I like to negotiate.
Hey, Mrs. Patel, can you jerk your f*ckin' husband off once in a while so he doesn't come back to my rub and tug ever again?
Lisinopril.
Should I Google it, see what it does?
No, you should give me some, and I'll let you know.
We have electric shavers, Jamaican rum... and this.
That has a hair on it.
You touch me with that, I will knock the teeth outta your head.
- I will knock the teeth...
- With this?
[Mickey] What the f*ck is wrong with you?
- [Ian] En garde!
- What is wrong with you?
What the f*ck is wrong with... Oh, my...
-[Ian muttering]
- This is not funny.
I'm not f*cking Star Wars...
[laughter]
- What's your type?
- Redhead.
- I am downstairs.
- Batshit crazy.
- Check.
- Packin' nine inches.
[Rock music]
- What do you mean?
- I mean people will slip that bitch a roofie, slap her to a chair, and pull her f*cking teeth out.
- I stabbed him first.
- No, you did not.
- Oh, shut up.
- You shut up.
Don't f*ckin' tell me what to do.
If you shut your f*ckin' pie hole,
I wouldn't have to tell you what to do.
Yeah, please, that'll be the day, when Ian Gallagher doesn't nag the sh*t outta my ass and tell me what to do about something.
You know, if you just wipe the toilet seat for once in your life, I wouldn't f*cking nag you.
If you just picked up
- your nail clippings!
- Who gives a sh*t about any of that?
We're in f*cking prison!
- I do, you f*cking pig.
- That's the problem.
[guard] You sound like a couple of old broads.
I'ma m*rder you two if you don't stop talking.
Shut your face. I just got outta prison, so I have no qualms about reaching down your throat, through your intestines and out your f*cking assh*le to take back whatever you stole.
Okay, we both know what we know we know... that we know.
[Ian] The f*ck does that mean?
Mandy's makin' eggs.
Put some clothes on.
You two look like a couple of fags.
There's an ATM card.
Congratulations. It has no f*ckin' PIN number.
What're you gonna do, rob the same mailboxes every day until they send the PIN?
Jesus Christ, what happened to a man's home bein' his f*cking castle?
Three things. This is my home, you do have a small d*ck, and you started this, all because you thought your wife's worth more than a couplea bucks a lay.
Let me tell ya from experience: she's not.
Two hundred twenty bucks.
How many Johnsons you squash.
Seventeen.
That's like bucks a wank.
Do you guys know rich people count the number of threads
- in their sheets?
- f*ck that.
I can't even count the number of stains in mine.
You know what they say...
The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
It does if it lands on a d*ck!
What's he doin'?
He's getting us drinks.
Crazy how realistic it looks.
Where's my hug?
Girlfriend's gonna love this one, bro.
It's not my girlfriend. It's my mom.
Oh, you shoulda told me that
before I started workin' on these titties.
Oh... f*ck!
I hear you give exquisite head.
I'm curious if your skills extend to both genders.
f*ck off, rectum boy.
I'm not here to see Mickey. I'm here to see you.
What, you trying to fagify all of us?
You don't fagify people. That's not how...
- What's your problem?
- Sick of the smell of g*dd*mn mayonnaise.
It's like getting screwed by a bowl of potato salad every morning.
You were mouth and ass r*ped?
You kidding? I did the raping.
Milkoviches don't bottom.
Was Mickey adopted?
Is it as annoying as the way you lick your finger every single time you turn the page of whatever faggety-ass book you're reading?
- Okay.
- My name's Ian.
I can't turn the page like a normal human being.
I have to put my whole g*dd*mn paw in my mouth.
You know what, if you actually knew how to read, maybe you'd understand.
Not, "Look at these f*cking squiggle things all over this piece of paper!"
[inmate] Every morning, the same sh*t.
You're like old women!
I came to prison to get away from my parents!
Eat my cornhole, cocks!
[inmate] Not if it smells like mayonnaise.
- Exactly!
- [buzzer sounds]
[Punk rock music]
11x00 - Shameless Hall of Shame: Ian & Mickey: Daddy Issues
Watch/Buy Amazon Merchandise
An alcoholic man lives in a perpetual stupor while his six children with whom he lives cope as best they can.
An alcoholic man lives in a perpetual stupor while his six children with whom he lives cope as best they can.