05x13 - Grand-Mahjong

[bunniefuu]

Thank you for coming over early to help make Chinese New Year dinner, Elaine.

Oh, my pleasure.

We've never had a Chinese family in Orlando to spend this holiday with, so I'm going all out...

Long life noodles, lion-head meatballs, sautéed beef, and the whole steamed fish.

Oh.

Is eating the fish eye also a big deal in your family?

Of course.

One slimy eyeball is a small price to pay for an entire year of good fortune.

With my mother-in-law, it's fun to put up a fight, but it always goes to her because she's the oldest.

Well, in my household, it's never a fight, because lalways get the fish eye.

Okay, these dumplings are done.

I put carrots in them because it's the Year of the Rabbit.

Aww, cute.

Oh.

Those are dumplings?

No one taught me how to make them, so I taught myself.

It is a one-handed technique
I call the clump-and-dump.

They're not the prettiest, but I can knock them out real fast, and I've never heard any complaints.

Oh.

♪ Fresh off the boat ♪ ♪ I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go ♪ ♪ If you don't know, homey, now you know ♪ ♪ Fresh off the boat ♪ ♪ Homey, you don't know where I come from ♪ ♪ But I know where I'm goin' ♪ ♪ I'm fresh off the boat ♪ *FRESH OFF THE BOAT* Season 05 Episode 13 Episode Title: "Grand-Mahjong" Ooh, she's a delight.

No, Elaine, actually, she is terrible.

Hmm.

My mother-in-law and I have a very bumpy relationship, especially on Chinese New Year.

I do all the work, and she ruins things.

You see this wrinkle?

That's from the Year of the Horse.

I don't see anything.

Well, that is because my skin is perfect, but trust me, it is there.

I guess that's just the way it is - with mothers-in-law.

- You get it.

Actually, I have a great relationship with mine.

Oh, that's a good one.

And they say women aren't funny.

No, really.

Okay, my mother-in-law and I used to argue all the time until we discovered we both love Colin Firth.

Oh, is he the white one with the brown hair?

Mm.

The key was to build a bridge, which we did over a well-worn LaserDisc of "Pride and Prejudice." It would be nice to have a Chinese New Year she didn't clump and dump on.

Well, let me help.

I mean, we've got hours till dinner.

Oh.

I see that wrinkle now.

No, you don't.

All right, boys.

Turn off the TV and clean up that blanket.

Blanket?

That's me.

Oh.

Didn't see you there, Emery.

Cozy.

The rest of the Lee family is almost here.

We need to make a good impression.

He means get your burps and farts out now.

This is why you're still single, Eddie.

Guys, save the insults for tomorrow.

No fighting today.

Would it have k*lled you to just sit shotgun on the way over, Dad?

I was sitting in a cab.

It was my cab!

I was driving.

And I was off-duty.

When I'm in a cab, I sit in the back.

Uh, Julius, Horace.

Come in, come in.

Meet my boys.

This is my oldest, Eddie.

He just got his driver's license.

And this is my youngest, Evan.

He skipped a grade.

And this is Emery.

He's...

wearing a retainer.

Retainer?

Hey, guess what I brought?

- Oh.

- Red envelopes.

40 bucks?

I'm gonna convert these into ones and, like, roll around in it.

And I'm this close to buying a weather balloon.

I prefer to take my own measurements.

Enough of your lies, Al Roker.

You gave 'em 40 bucks each, and you couldn't pitch in for a t*nk of gas?

You use premium.

And you use regular, like your face.

All right, Horace, that's it.

You, me, in the backyard, now!

What do you want?

I heard you got a phone call from Brad.

You know about the phone call?

I-I was just wondering...

did I leave my rain poncho in here?

Oh, are you watching "The Young and the Restless"?

Jessica, don't you also like.

"The Young and the Restless"?

No.

Why are they restless?

Life is easy when you're young.

You're not helping.

Neither are you.

Ai-ya!

I can't watch my show with all the whisper-whisper.

Wait, wait, I-if you want to play mahjong, why don't we just do it here?

Jessica would love to sit in.

What are you doing?

Jenny lives at the mahjong parlor.

She's the reason they built that ramp.

Yeah, that's great.

What better way to find common ground than doing something that shelikes?

I'm really bad at it.

And I don't like playing games I can't win.

It's not about what you like.

It's about connecting.

Hey.

One, two, three...

Ugh, we don't have a fourth player.

I guess we can't play.

All right, are we playing Chinese Classical or Chinese New Style?

Uh, you, uh, guys sure you don't wanna settle this with a game of Horse?

Pig, if we're short on time?

All right, on the count of 3, we're gonna tussle.

Excuse me, Mr.

Huang.

You're in the line of my tackle.

Uh, guys, I saw some rabbits out here.

There might be poops.

Oh, perfect, it's the Year of the Rabbit.

And I'm sick of the way this one's been running his mouth all day.

The only thing I'm running is the pain train.

Next stop...

your body.

He's gonna take his glasses off, right?

I can't believe this is actually happening.

I knew we should've built that steel cage.

"We don't need a steel cage, Eddie.

We're never gonna use it." Care to make this more interesting?

Maybe put our red-envelope money on the match?

Hell yeah.

My money's on Julius.

He has forearms the size of thighs and thighs the size of...

double-thighs.

True.

But Horace has youth and vitality on his side.

Ugh, you're right.

I'm taking Horace.

You ready, old-timer?

Oh, I'm ready!

Let's go!

Hey, hey, I'm sure this isn't anything a nice limeade can't fix.

How about we go inside and talk this out like civilize...

1, 2, 3!

Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho!

You guys grappling?

I'm next.

Hey, your dad told me about your retainer.

You need any extra cases, I can hook you up.

Yes!

No!

This is why you never take gambling advice from the person you're betting against.

You okay, son?

I am now.

Thanks, Dad.

Uh...

what just happened?

Oh, we tussle every Chinese New Year.

It's our reset button to start the year fresh.

Uh-huh, back in the Navy, we used to call that a Submarine Scramble.

Oh, is that what that means?

Well, in our family, our fists are our words.

Right, boys?

- Sure.

- If you say so.

Whatever.

Is Emery mad at me?

Just a guess, but earlier you introduced him as "the one with the retainer." Really?

I don't think that bothered him.

Wanna bet 40 bucks it did?

♪ Yeah ♪ Yeah ♪ Yeah ♪ Rolling dice can help you or hurt you, the virtue ♪ ♪ Is knowing when to quit ♪ 'Cause you've hit your cash curfew ♪ ♪ Even if you have to get swift and swindle ♪ ♪ It's as long as you win, so close you're simple ♪ ♪ I see people rolling dice with lives ♪ ♪ Telling lies, and cutting throats like knives ♪ ♪ That'll be the reason why you'll bleed from greed ♪ ♪ Ready to diss your own brother at breakneck speed ♪ ♪ You roll the dice real fast and think you're nice ♪ ♪ But got to be more precise ♪ 'Cause I'll keep looking, and you'll keep scheming ♪ ♪ I'll start hooking, and you'll be screaming ♪ ♪ Starting a tries in a alibis ♪ Ha!

I win.♪ 'Cause you keep rolling snake eyes ♪ Disqualification.

What?

How did you get to be so good, Jenny?

Patience.

Wait until your enemy make a mistake and then pounce.

Oh, did y'all catch Roker this morning?

'Cause he's predicting a strong...

south wind.

Okay, I get it!

I'm bad at mahjong!

Why don't we all have a laugh at the big dum-dum!

Ha ha ha, Jessica, you big dum-dum.

Ha ha ha!

Yikes.

Ho boy.

Jessica...

Bridge.

I'm like one tile away from Wriggling Snake.

Grandma: Oops.

Oops.

Oops.

It's okay.

I'll clean it up.

Why are you being so nice to me?

It was like seeing Mike Tyson with his little pigeons.

I am not pigeon Mike Tyson.

I'm ear-biting Mike Tyson.

Either way, you're clearly on edge.

Well, it didn't help that you were throwing my dumplings at chipmunks.

The one with gunpowder?

Shh.

Other then Grandma, nothing smells better than fresh cash.

Take me home tonight, Eddie's money.

You guys had action on our tussle?

That's awesome.

What happened to your vitality out there, man?

All right, who's up for some limeade?

Oh, yes.

Ah.

Hey, um, sorry about the retainer thing.

Do you wanna talk about it?

No, hard to talk with metal in my mouth.

I'll be in my room.

Ooh, he does not like you.

You guys should try a tussle.

That's a great idea, Dad.

Aww, thanks, buddy.

What?

I can't fight my son.

Sure you can.

Quick sh*t to the throat, he won't be able to breathe.

While he's stunned, you pin him.

Yeah, I love to use my 'bows.

I call them nature's hammers.

Where were those 'bows 10 minutes ago?

No, I'm not afraid to fight him.

I just don't want to.

That'll make things even worse.

If you say so.

Well, if there's no tussle, I'm gonna go clock in a quick shift and capitalize on that Goo Goo Dolls post-concert rush.

Hey, drive safe out there.

I love you.

Love you.

All right, Emery, that's it!

You, me, in the backyard, now!

Like children in a ball pit.

I know.

I've seen it before.

Mmm.

These are incredible.

The only reason I lose is because I don't know the game well enough to cheat.

Oh, yeah.

Sometimes I hide Trivial Pursuit wedges in my mouth.

Tricky-tricky.

When I play board games with the boys, we play for chores.

I haven't had to scrub a toilet in five years.

Oh, you bad mama.

You're real bad.

All right.

I want a clean tussle, nothing below the belt.

Why do we have to do this?

Because you're mad at me and we need to reset.

By fighting?

You sure you want to do this, Lou?

I'd be happy to step in for your boy.

Will everyone stop trying to talk me out of this?

It worked for Julius and Horace.

Now, let's go!

Hey, Evan, care to make this interesting?

No way.

Dad is way bigger and obviously gonna win.

This isn't an even match.

Come on.

You got to give me a chance to win my money back.

How about I give you odds on Emery?

I don't know...

2-to-1.

Come on, he's your brother.

Fine.

You're lucky I live for the action.

Okay.

On the count of 3.

1, 2, 3.

My retainer!

Yes!

No!

The winner!

Ha ha!

Here's what I accept...

Cash, cold hard cash, or cash money.

Okay, that's the last of it.

Let's move everything to the dining table.

Hmm.

Ooh, this fish eye's extra big.

Probably worth nine years of good fortune.

I'll go get the boys.

Thank you for all your help, Jenny.

I really enjoyed this.

But I always eat it.

I told you that in confidence.

Oh, that duck was just amazing.

Wasn't it, honey?

Mmm, wasn't it?

So good.

Oh.

Who's going to eat the fish eye?

Me!

Mmm.

Oh!

G-mah!

She ate the fish eye!

So gross.

Do I have eye in my teeth?

Damn it.

Horace has the cab light off.

Hurry up.

That means he's running the meter.

Thanks again.

We had fun.

You can't go now.

You tell me to build a bridge and then you just leave me with a monster?

Oh, so, Jenny ate the fish eye.

There's another...

the milky blind one on the bottom.

The popped one?

That's not the power eye.

I thought that you were here to help me.

- Careful.

- I got it.

What are you doing?

Grandma says the big TV is hers now.

She's been barking orders at me like Lou Gossett Jr.

In which movie?

All of them.

Do you know why she ate the eye?

Why she's taking the TV?

Because while I was busy building your bridge, she dug a tunnel and she stole my throne.

I'm getting confused by your metaphors.

Just say what happened.

I let a secret slip, and now she's holding it over my head.

Sounds like she used her mahjong strategy to set you up.

Wait until your enemy make a mistake and then pounce.

She mahjong-ed me.

Well, maybe there's another activity you can bond over.

Oh, I hear fostering an abused horse can bring people together.

Screw that.

You know, she's got something on me?

Well, I've got something on her.

She's not the only one who can exploit a weakness.

If you don't stop honking that horn, I'm gonna tussle you!

Happy New Year, Jessica.

Instead of a weather balloon, I can almost afford a hot air balloon.

I could balloon to school.

Let's see the bullies make fun of me then.

Stop dreaming of ways to get to school.

I deserve a chance to win my money back.

Can you guys keep it down?

My eye is throbbing.

Whoa.

I've never heard "throbbing" used to describe an eye before.

Oh.

Oh.

Morning, everyone.

Eyyy, there he is...

Kid Dynamite.

Take your gal out for a malt on me.

Thanks.

You were right.

Tussling worked.

I'm not mad anymore.

Good.

I'm going to be in my room.

You boys want anything?

I'm going out for a shoe-shine.

I figured since I'm so terrible at mahjong, I would come here and watch you play with your friends.

Pick up a few tips.

I know your tell...

Something you do whenever you get excited.

Like when you have a good mahjong hand.

You took away my power.

Now I'm going to take away yours.

If you don't step down, I'll expose you, and you'll never be able to play mahjong here again.

I don't have a tell.

Okay, let's do this the hard way.

There are three snacks on this table.

Which do you want?

The animal crackers...

the peanuts...

or these?

I guess I could just throw these away, then.

No, no, not the Dunk-a-Roos.

Well, it looks like we both have dirt on each other now.

I'm gonna eat these.

You are not even dunking the Roos.

Hmm.

Mm.

Aah!

What are you doing?

You're mad at me.

We need to tussle.

We have to reset.

Emery, stop.

I'm not mad at you.

I just feel bad I upset you so much with the retainer thing.

Yeah, it wasn't great being introduced as retainer boy.

It was all I could think of in the moment.

I play volleyball.

I'm on student council.

I can do a split.

Whoa.

Yeah.

I know it's not easy being the middle child.

You're not the oldest, you're not the baby.

You're just...

Emery.

A perfect kid in every way.

Except for my teeth.

Hey, at least I now have a new way of introducing you...

As the son who b*at me up.

A hug?

What does that mean?

A hug is a push.

That means no payout.

We were betting on a tussle, not a heartwarming moment.

Okay, okay, um, double or nothing that I can make you laugh.

I don't tickle in my pits.

Wait, come back here.

Come back here and bet me.

Are you mad because you lost the TV or because I know your tell?

What?

Mmm.

So, who's going to eat the fish eye?

Me!

Oh!

Moms!

She ate the fish eye!

So gross.

You were mad all these years because of a stupid fish eye?

It was my first time making Chinese New Year dinner and I was excited.

How about this?

If we promise to keep each other's secrets, you can have the fish eye every Chinese New Year.

That's something else I have on you.

Well, maybe that's our bridge...

We're both masters of psychological warfare.

Hmm.

Damn straight.

This is to hide my tell.

Nice try, but I am not revealing what it is.

Give me a hint.

Is it above or below the neck?

Is it when you use your pinkie nail to pick food out of your teeth?

Yeah, I-is that it?

Okay, if you want to know your tell so badly, I'll let you in on it.

Really?

Yeah, of course.

It's when you...

Not a chance in hell, Jenny!

All right.

I don't know how to play, but I don't care.

Evan gave me an advance, and I need to get my money back.

I love this hand.

I'm all in.