03x18 - The Spit-Covered Cobbler

[bunniefuu]

Alan, I forgot my toothbrush, can I use yours?

Oh, dear Lord, no.

Do you have any idea how many bacteria can be transferred from mouth to mouth on a toothbrush?

I don't know. How many?

Okay, I-I-I don't know the actual amount...

Then why'd you bring it up?

Poor judgment.

The point is, sharing these things is a bad idea.

Are you saying you don't want your toothbrush in my mouth, 'cause, Alan...

I know, I know.

I get the hypocrisy.

Just... just humor me.

Okay, I have, um...

I have hard, medium or soft bristles.

Uh, I have straight or curved handles, and, uh, for your flossing needs, I have, uh, waxed, mint-waxed, unwaxed, and if you're feeling especially adventurous, may I suggest the cinnamon?

Maybe I'll just wait till I get home.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

One day you skip brushing, and before you know it, your teeth rot away and you're begging strangers to start your apple.

Fine. I'll take the pink one.

I always wondered, what's the little rubber thing at the end for?

Oh, it's to massage your gums.

Oh. I thought it might be an eraser... but who writes when they're brushing their teeth?

I-I-I don't know.

What's the matter?

Oh, nothing, nothing.

Well, I-I-I kind of have to pee.

Go ahead.

Oh, no, no, I'll wait till you're finished.

Are you shy about peeing in front of me, 'cause, Alan...

Again, I get the hypocrisy.

I-I-I just think it's important to keep a little mystery in a relationship.

It's just peeing, Alan.

Not necessarily.

Um, sometimes when a man urinates, other muscles see that as a green light to relax.

So you've never peed in front of a girl?

Uh, well, my ex-wife, but, uh, after six, seven years of marriage, who gives a damn anymore?

Okay.

I'll brush out here. Thank you.

Ouch!

ALAN: What?

One of my teeth hurts when I brush it.

Well, when was the last time you saw a dentist?

Alan, I see people all the time.

They don't always tell you what they do.

Hey, are you... are you done?

'Cause I got to rinse.

No, I... I can't go when I know you're listening.

Would it help if I sang the pee-pee song?

Uh, the what?

My mom used to sing it to me.

♪ Tinkle, tinkle, little star

♪ In the potty, not the car

♪ Up above the bowl so high

♪ Like the raindrops in the sky... ♪ Hey, hey, it's working!

[ALAN PASSES GAS]

Oops, green light.

♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪

♪ Oh... ♪ Men.

[ENGINE GRINDING TO TURN OVER] ALAN: Okay, okay, stop, stop, stop.

[ENGINE NOISE STOPS] KANDI: Should I try it again?

ALAN: Uh, not yet. Okay, now.

[ENGINE GRINDING TO TURN OVER] ALAN: Okay, stop, stop, stop, stop.

[ENGINE NOISE STOPS] Morning.

ALAN: Morning.

KANDI: Morning, Charlie!

Need any help?

Do you know how to get a 1981 Plymouth Duster moving?

Yeah, yank out the eight-track and push it off a cliff.

[MOCK GUFFAWING]

You're useless.

Sure.

Hey, you got a little grease on your face. Where?

Cheek.

Oh.

Did I get it?

Mm, no, there's some more.

Now?

Little on your forehead.

Yeah?

Perfect.

Now sing "Swanee River."

KANDI: Alan, should I try it again?

Uh, no. I'm going to call Triple-A.

KANDI: Good. No sense drinking over this.

You must be so proud.

Hey, hey, she may not be sophisticated, but she's street smart.

Sesame Street smart.

Just leave it alone.

Let me ask you something.

Have you stopped to consider the long-term cost of a relationship with a girl that young?

Charlie, it's a free tow.

Oh, sure, that's how it always starts...

With a free tow... But who's going to pay to fix the car after it's towed?

Um...

"Um" is right, my dim-witted friend, and that's just the beginning.

Girls like Kandi need all kinds of stuff, and the only way they can pay for it is through horny morons like you.

So her car breaks down, and I should just dump her?

This is a short-term relationship, right?

I don't know... Trust me, it's a short-term relationship.

I mean, Kandi's not the brightest bulb in the chandelier, but even she's going to wake up one day and wonder what she's doing shacked up with a penniless putz who's twice her age.

Kandi's not like that.

Just wait.

Your first minor stroke, and she'll be boinking the cardiologist before you can scrawl

"What happened?" on your notepad.

Okay, for the sake of argument, let's say you're right.

What's your point?

My point is, you don't dry clean a rented tuxedo.

You don't redecorate a hotel room.

You don't order cable for a port-a-potty... unless you're really, really drunk.

And you don't take on the bills of a girl that's got the attention span of a monkey chewing on a fly swatter.

Okay, I-I-I appreciate your... How shall I describe it...

Compassionate advice, but all I'm doing here is arranging for a free tow for a friend.

[SNAPPING NOISE OUTSIDE]

Alan, I don't think the engine's flooded anymore.

Fire extinguisher? Under the sink.

Thank you.

Hey, you know, if you don't hurry up, you'll be late for school.

I don't mind.

Okay, well, that takes the pressure off.

How come my dad's not bringing me?

He's helping Kandi get her car fixed.

Aw, geez. And him already broker than a headless hooker.

Hey, how come my mom hates Kandi?

What gave you the idea that she hates her?

'Cause she says so... a lot.

All right.

Why do you think?

I don't know.

She's pretty, she's fun, and Dad seems real happy with her.

Well, little man, you just answered your own question.

I did? What'd I say?

It's like this.

You ever see a kid at school who doesn't like his lunch but he won't let you have it, either?

Oh, yeah. Russell Beasley.

He'll spit on his apple cobbler before he'll let anybody else eat it.

Well, this is pretty much the same deal, except your mom is Russell Beasley, and your dad is the spit-covered cobbler.

I don't understand.

Even though your mom doesn't want your dad, she doesn't want Kandi to eat him, either.

Oh.

You know, I like cobbler with ice cream.

Way to follow a train of thought.

Thanks.

Well, I guess we should go to school now, huh?

Couldn't hurt.

I'll see if can find my books.

Sweet kid.

Yeah.

Shame he'll never be anything more than a burden to society.

Yeah.

Do you know a good lawyer, Alan?

No, but my ex-wife does.

Why?

'Cause I want to sue the guy who sold me that lemming.

Y-You mean lemon.

I do?

Okay.

Did-did you get any kind of a-a written guarantee when you bought it?

No, it was more of an oral agreement.

All right, Mr. Harper, I've looked at your daughter's vehicle.

She's, uh... she's not my daughter.

Oh.

Good for you.

Anyway, the prognosis looks rather bleak.

I-I understand.

I mean, the vehicle was on fire.

I know.

What is she, like, 21?

Twenty-two.

And a half.

Good for you.

Yeah, yeah, but what about the car?

Oh, the car?

The car's got to be 25, 26 years old.

I mean, can it be fixed?

Anything can be fixed.

Hell, they put a pig's heart in my Uncle Vinnie.

How much?

All of it.

My Aunt Phyliss likes to call him the other white meat now.

No, I-I mean, how much to fix the car?

For you, three grand.

What?!

Once again, the car was on fire.

I had to wait an hour before I could even touch it.

But I only paid $800 for it.

Eight hundred dollars?

Well, dear heart, I hate to be the bearer of sad tidings, but there's a chance some unscrupulous businessperson has taken advantage of your good nature.

Boy, that happens a lot.

Well, $3,000 is out of the question.

It'd make more sense just to get her a new car.

Oh, Alan, thank you!

That's the sweetest thing anybody's ever done for me!

Good for you.

Hey.

Hey.

Why isn't your car in the garage?

I, uh... I loaned it to Kandi.

Ah.

And how much are you paying to fix hers?

For your information, nothing.

Nothing?

Not a cent.

I'm leasing her a Saturn.

Tell me again about the free tow, Alan.

Come on, she-she needs a car, and-and-and the lease terms are surprisingly reasonable.

They're practically giving them away.

Excuse me.

Where are you going?

I'm going to solve all your problems.

Do you want to see it coming, or should I surprise you?

[MOCK GUFFAWING]

You're not funny.

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello?

Hang on a second.

It's your dentist.

He wants to talk to you about Kandi's teeth.

Thank you.

Hi, Dr. Weinberger.

Thanks for seeing her on such short notice.

Can I have some privacy, please?

Sure. Get your own place.

No, she's not covered under my dental plan.

Twenty-two and a half.

Yeah, yeah, good for me.

Did you get a chance to look at her tooth?

Oh, oh, a-a-a-a root canal.

Well, well, how much is that?

Yow.

Well, wh-what do you mean, there's more?

Who told you to look at her wisdom teeth?

That girl's got wisdom teeth?

Okay, what's the worst thing that can happen if you don't take them out?

How infected?

All right, i-i-if it has to be done, it has to be done.

Yeah, send me the bill.

Okay, bye-bye.

Here, aim for the cheap seats.

CHARLIE: Alan?

What are you doing?

[PANTING]: Well, I'm in a little bit of a-a cash flow crunch, and I, uh... I thought I'd use this to-to pay some bills.

I see.

Mind helping me out?

Sure.

Promise me you'll spend it on food, not whiskey.

My pain brings you a lot of pleasure, huh?

I'm a simple man.

[PHONE RINGS]

It's your ex-wife.

Oh, perfect. Get the bat.

This is the bat.

Hello?

Oh, oh, good. I-I was hoping it'd be you.

What? Of course I remember the Alamo.

Oh, oh, oh, you mean alimo-ny.

[LAUGHING]

I was... I was thinking, uh, Davey Crockett, Jim Bowie...

Oh, oh, come on, Judith, why can't we share a few chuckles?

Oh, oh, no, no, I-I agree.

There's nothing chuckle-worthy about a subpoena.

Well, you know what? I will tell you what.

Uh, I will bring you the check, uh, when I pick up Jake.

I-I-I promise.

O-O-Okay, okay, bye-bye now.

You've got to pick up Jake.

Why?

'Cause I don't have her money.

It's in Kandi's mouth and-and-and Kandi's car.

What about the treasure of the Sierra Madre over there?

This?

This is nothing.

One car payment and maybe a bikini wax.

Bikini wax?

A girl's got to keep those up.

It's a landscaping issue.

You just got to buy me some time with Judith.

What are you going to do with more time?

You can't sell your blood; your ex-wife already took that.

And if you sell your sperm, what's the point in dating Kandi?

Well, uh, for your information, I-I do have other options.

Like what?

Well, I've been looking at, uh, uh, part-time work, and, uh, I have some very promising auctions on eBay.

Oh, really. What are you auctioning?

Well, a-a few rare books, a couple of lithos, a set of golf clubs...

Since when do you play golf?

Uh, well, technically, they're your clubs.

You're stealing from me?!

Oh, come on, you only bought 'em so you could go to Palm Springs and pick up lesbians.

This is ridiculous.

Why don't you just ask me to lend you some money?

Would you lend me money?

Absolutely... if I hadn't taken a bath on the Super Bowl.

Well, I-I need to do this by myself anyway.

You know, I-I still have my pride.

Wow. You really think that, huh?

Well, it doesn't matter as long as I have Kandi.

She looks up to me.

She-she thinks I'm special.

She thinks I'm smart.

She thinks gazpacho is Pinocchio's father.

What can I say, Charlie?

I'm-I'm-I'm crazy about her.

All right, I-I certainly don't want to stand in the way of your happiness.

Well, thank you.

One question, though.

Yeah?

What are you going to tell Jake when he notices his change jug is gone?

Oh, uh, it'll be okay.

I left him a postdated check.

It'll be good by the time he goes to college.

Yeah, like that kid's going to college.

♪ Men.

Perfect. Just perfect.

Judith, I know what you're thinking...

I'll tell you what I'm thinking.

Your brother's a weaselly little coward who doesn't have the guts to face to his responsibilities...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

There's a little more to this than meets the eye.

Oh, really? And I suppose you're going to explain it to me?

I'm going to try, if you'll calm down for a minute and listen.

All right, I'm listening.

Are you calm?

I'm listening.

Okay. You know why Alan's not here?

Because he's ashamed.

Well, he should be.

Judith, that's not listening.

He's ashamed because no matter how hard he works, he just can't seem to get ahead.

You know his business is falling apart, don't you?

Really? He hasn't said anything.

Because he's too proud.

Poor guy lost all his chiropractic walk-ins to an unlicensed massage parlor that opened up right between him and the Jamba Juice.

You're kidding.

I'm deadly serious.

Who's going to pay to have their spine adjusted when, for half the price, they can get their dingus dusted?

Well, I wouldn't know about that.

As it turns out, I'm a bit of an expert... and I'm telling you, he's going under.

Oh, my God.

Did you know he took a part-time job?

No. But you didn't hear it from me.

And please, please, don't say anything to Jake.

The last thing Alan wants is to look like a failure in the eyes of that little boy in there.

Of course not.

I won't say a word.

Thank you.

Hey. Where's Dad?

Just go with Uncle Charlie.

Okay.

Why is Mom crying?

Because I'm good.

I'm very, very good.

♪ Men.

I'm really getting tired of pizza.

Well...

I'm off to work.

Get used to it.

[IN BAD ITALIAN ACCENT]: Enjoy-a your pizza.

Scusi, signora.

Um, Alan, what are you doing?

Oh, Judith, I swear to God, I-I will get you your alimony as soon as possible...

No, please, don't worry about it.

Really?

Charlie told me what's going on.

I don't need the money right now.

Really?

I may not have mentioned it, but when my grandmother passed away, she left me a pretty substantial inheritance.

Really?

In fact, I want you to have this.

Really?

Pay me when you can.

The important thing is you get back on your feet.

[IN BAD ITALIAN ACCENT]: I'm-a so happy.

Hi, Huggy Bear.

Boy, I love the new car you got me.

Hi, Mrs. Harper.

Doesn't he look cute in a mustache?

[IN BAD ITALIAN ACCENT]: I'm-a so sad.

♪ Men.

[DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS]

[SIGHS]

How's that pride doing?

It's nice they let you take a few home.

It's in lieu of health insurance.

Did you know they actually have a little machine that sh**t the cheese into the crust?

Is that so?

Yep. It's a little high-pressure g*n.

Can't k*ll yourself with it, though.

I tried.

I got to tell you something, Alan, and this is from the bottom of my heart.

I think that you are the stupidest man on the face of the Earth, but I admire your perseverance.

You're going to have to talk into the other ear.

This one's full of cheese.

[SIGHS]

KANDI: Is that my Huggy Bear?

Yeah, it's him.

KANDI: Hey, guess what?

You know my roommates, Ellie and Emmett?

Yeah.

Turns out they're not really brother and sister, so they started sleeping together.

Oh, that's lovely.

Anyway, now they're going to get their own place, and I don't know how I'm going to pay the rent by myself.

Huh.

Oh, God, Kandi, I can't, I can't.

I-I-I'm all tapped out.

All I have left to put on eBay is a-a kidney or a lung.

If I were you, I'd sell the kidney, 'cause lungs don't grow back.

I'm sorry, honey.

You're just going to have to handle your living situation on your own.

Okay. Hey, guess what else?

You've got a loved one who needs either an operation or bail?

No, silly. I'm finished with the dentist, and my mouth is all better. See?

Hey, I've got an idea.

Why don't you move in with me?

Okay!

[IN BAD ITALIAN ACCENT]: I'm-a so screwed.