08x10 - Illegal Eels and the Cantaloupe Man

[bunniefuu]

Remind me how we got roped into giving away the blood that's keeping us alive?

Wendy signed us all up when we were hungry.

She knew we weren't paying attention.

I swear she used the words "drag queen bingo," or I never would have agreed.

What if I walk out of here and get hit by a bus and don't have enough blood in my body to save me?

Then they'll wheel you right back in here and fill you full of mine.

I would not take that offer.

I just hate needles.

Except for Botox, which actually helps people.

You're gonna be fine.

I give blood every six months.

It's nothing to be scared of.

Wow. Some of these questions are pretty personal.

"Have you had unprotected sex with someone you do not know... " - Yay, I'm out!

- "... in the last three months?" Damn it, I'm back in.

We should be proud that we're sober and we can do this.

There was a time when none of us could've given blood because of our lifestyles.

So let's be grateful and generous of spirit.

Oh, crap-a-doodle.

What's the matter?

Is it number eight?

"Have you taken money for sex?" I started blood thinners. I can't donate.

Wait. Do you have 'em in your purse?

Give me one.

- (tsks)

- Oh, I wish I was sick in the hospital and someone was bringing me a Valentine's bear with a heart on his tummy.

Mm.

I'm not interested unless that bear - is carrying jewelry. - (chuckles)

Adam and I never make a big deal out of Valentine's Day.

Usually, by the time he gets home from the bar, I've already eaten my edible underwear and gone to sleep.

- (laughs)

- I have a date with chicken fajitas and Bridget Jones's Diary.

Well, Gary and I have a sexy Skype planned.

Tammy, I may need your help getting off my compression socks beforehand.

Great. I have a date with chicken fajitas, Bridget Jones's Diary and Marjorie's compression socks.

(laughs)

Oh, there's Wendy.

JILL: Wendy's kissing a man.

Wendy's kissing a man!

I'm gonna faint before I give blood.

I'm sorry I can't pet you, Gus.

I gave blood.

You know, it can't always be about you, you know.

- (sighs)

- Hey.

Hey.

- You all right?

- I spent all morning saving lives.

I thought you were just giving blood.

Not just any blood.

AB negative, the rarest of all.

The nurse called it the "champagne of blood." (sighs)

Juice me.

Do you think you'll have your strength back by Sunday?

Oh, no. You're not still trying to get me to church, are you?

I can't drink the wine, and those crackers they serve with it are terrible.

Sunday is Valentine's Day, and I'm taking you out for a romantic dinner.

Not chicken wings in your office at the bar?

Nope. Michelin star restaurant, six-course tasting menu.

Wear your highest heels 'cause I'm sitting down anyway.

Oh, my God, our first Valentine's date.

If I wasn't so weak, I'd kiss you.

- I'll come to you. - I'll do my best to muster a pucker.

Oh, orange juice and Oreos.

Just had a flashback to preschool.

Not what you want when you're kissing your wife.

You know, Bonnie, it's been more than hours, so you can take that off now.

Oh, is that still there from when I gave my very rare blood to save lives?

You're surprised?

She wore her "I Voted" sticker for a month.

I was excited. It was my first time voting under my real name.

(laughter)

Oh, Wendy's here.

This is gonna be fun. Hey, girl!

What's new?

What's going on?

Uh, I just got my hair cut.

Well, not really cut, just a trim. They call it...

No one cares. Who's the guy?

What guy?

The doctor you were playing doctor with.

When we came to give blood...

We saw you sucking face with him.

Why have you been holding out on us?

Oh. Yeah.

We've been kind of seeing each other.

Yesterday, you went on and on about the lint in your dryer, but nothing about Dr. Hot Lips?

It's new, and I was afraid you guys would tease me.

Wendy, we would never.

Has he taken your temperature yet?

And if so, how?

- Can he prescribe satisfaction?

- (chuckles)

Does he recommend you stay horizontal with plenty of fluids?

- (laughter)

- MARJORIE: All right.

All right, everybody just leave Wendy alone.

She's probably tired from all the booster sh*ts he's giving her.

(laughter)

- It's fun when you play. - (phone chimes)

All right, tease all you want. Armand and I are happy.

Armand?

Is his last name "Douché"?

(laughter)

- Oh, my God. - What?

Gary just broke up with me.

- In a text?

- What did he say?

I'm sorry. I need a minute.

Poor Marjorie.

Do you think this is some sort of cosmic re-balancing?

Like Wendy got a boyfriend so Marjorie had to lose hers?

It's the only plausible explanation.

MARJORIE: Ow!

Damn it!

- (groans)

- What happened?

Oh, I was looking at my phone, and I fell, like the stupid old woman I am.

Ow!

Oh, I really hurt my wrist.

Oh. We should get you to the ER.

Which in Wendy's case is the Erection Room.

No?

I guess we're done.

Go.

Is it weird that I feel like Teen People really gets me?

No. You've got a youthful spirit and a giant crush on Harry Styles.

- Huge news. - Is Marjorie all right?

No idea.

I did a little sleuthing, and I found out that Wendy's boyfriend is a cardiologist.

So I called my girlfriend Jenna, whose husband is also a cardiologist, to see if she had the scoop on him.

Ooh, good work. I bet he's a model train guy or has a ferret.

Thank you, but hold your ticket.

- He's married. - BOTH: What?!

- I know. I couldn't believe it, either. - Do you think she knows?

Wendy would never date a married man.

- We have to tell her. - Do we?

Last week, she cried when the bistro ran out of soup.

Of course we do. She's our friend, and we care about her.

But it's gonna break her heart.

If we don't tell her, six months from now, she's gonna be in Palm Springs with him, and his wife's gonna find out and set her car on fire.

Who would do that?

I always forget you weren't around for those stories.

I never actually set anybody's car on fire.

It's harder than you think.

All right, well, so who's gonna tell her?

Not me. I've made her cry enough.

I got the scoop. I've done my part.

Well, I don't want to do it.

I just got her over being scared of me.

So we're in agreement. If Marjorie doesn't die from wrist-related complications, we'll make her tell Wendy.

Good plan.

Here she comes. Shh.

Oh, does my face look like it knows too much?

No, never.

- Hey, guys. - Hey.

- Hey. - There she is.

Marjorie's gonna be fine. It's just a slight fracture.

She's getting a cast, and then we can take her home.

- JILL: Great. - Super.

So she's not gonna die.

You know, you all didn't have to come home with me.

Well, I live here so I was coming anyway.

We just want to make sure you're okay.

I'm fine.

Doctor said my wrist will heal.

Yeah, but you also just got dumped in a text right before Valentine's Day.

Thank you for reminding me.

We're all here because we love you, and we just want to help.

- Can I get you a pillow?

- If I need a pillow, I'll get one.

Look around. It's like a Pier exploded in here.

All right, no pillow.

Do you want to talk about what happened with Gary?

No.

- Are you gonna call him?

- No.

Well, I say good riddance. We never liked him anyway.

- Jill!

- What?

Who didn't like him?

- All of us. - Jill!

What?

I'm just telling her the truth.

And as someone who's recently been dumped herself, I know what you're going through, and I just want to say, men suck.

But Gary especially.

Not all men suck.

Adam's great, %, % of the time.

And I've got a great guy, too.

- What?

- Well, if we'd gotten some alone time with Marjorie, she'd tell you.

Tell her what?

Okay, I'll jump in front of the b*llet.

Armand's married.

I'm sorry. This must be devastating.

Oh, I know he's married.

- You do?

- Yeah.

- Really?

- It's not ideal, but I'm okay with it.

But you never break the rules.

You won't even smuggle popcorn into a movie, and I know 'cause I've asked you to.

My purse was filled with cheeseburgers.

Wait a minute. Your boyfriend is married?

I know you're old and injured, but try to keep up.

(snaps)

How are you okay with this?

You don't understand. We had an instant connection.

I've never been with someone who's this into me.

Yeah, well, I bet he was into his wife at one point, too.

Honey, he'll say he'll leave her, but he's never going to.

It's okay. I'm fine with things the way they are.

All right, since you didn't have to break the news, you can jump right into your lecture about how wrong this is.

Do you want a glass of water, cup of tea, or can you just go?

- No lecture. - Great. Straight to yelling.

Mm, we can do anything we want in sobriety as long as we're willing to accept the consequences.

Obviously, Marjorie is delirious.

I'm jumping in. Somebody make me some tea.

I have dated my share of married men...

Back when I was drinking, not proud...

And yes, the secrecy was exciting, and the thrill of that guy getting something from me that he couldn't get from his wife made me feel special.

But here's what I didn't understand, because I wasn't married: That guy's wife is a real person with feelings, and she probably suspects something.

So don't think you're not hurting someone, because you are.

You know what I think?

I'm happy and you can't stand it.

Do you still want the tea?

(gentle piano music playing)

- This is beautiful. - Yeah.

Does it count as one of those six courses?

'Cause I may want to pace myself.

That is called an amuse-bouche.

I did not know that.

I was told while you were in the bathroom, after I said, "I hope the next course - comes on a bigger plate." - Ah.

Well, it looks delicious. Should I take a picture?

No. I don't want to be one of those people.

Yes, I do.

You look gorgeous.

I'm the luckiest man in the room.

I got a look at the crowd on the way to the bathroom, and yes, you are.

I bought you a little Valentine's Day gift.

God, how much sex do you want tonight?

W-We may have to push till tomorrow morning, after six courses and this bouche situation.

Hey, you two.

Jill, what are you doing here?

Oh, just picking up. I paid for this months ago when I thought I would still have a boyfriend, but at least I get to eat in my sweats, so that's a win.

(laughs)

Well, enjoy your Valentine's.

- Jill?

- Yeah.

Would you like to join us?

- Oh, no. This is a couples-only zone. - No, come on, sit down.

- Really?

- Absolutely.

Okay. I'll go ask for a chair.

You are so wonderful.

Later, I'm gonna do something to you that's only legal in Thailand.

Okay, I know this isn't the night you had planned, but I worked really hard on these fajitas, and I think you're gonna like 'em.

I'm not hungry.

- Well, they're there if you want 'em. - I won't.

Then they're just there.

I was gonna watch Bridget Jones's Diary.

Is that okay with you?

A story about a woman who can't keep her man?

Why not?

Oh, I also have RoboCop.

Impossible to see your current situation in that, unless there's something about Gary you haven't told us.

I don't care.

I know this is hard for you, but you still have so much to be grateful for.

Like what?

I'm old, I'm alone, my bones snap like dry twigs, and I get to spend the next two weeks taking a shower with a plastic bag on my arm.

Is there anything I can do to make you feel better?

Go back in time and tell me not to dump Wayne for Gary.

(sputters)

I would if I could.

Then I'd go further back in time and invent the zipper.

Though I don't know when that was invented.

It'd be pretty embarrassing if I show up and say, "Hey, look what I invented!" Then the real zipper guy is like, "Nice job, loser." Can you eat your fajitas in your bedroom?

Yes, I can.

- Wendy, right?

- I know. A married man?

Mm. I can't stop thinking about it.

I finally got her to stop thinking about it, so can we change the subject?

I'm even willing to go back to panty liners.

(Bonnie and Jill laugh)

This was set to be my worst Valentine's Day ever, and I'm having fun.

Oh, I'd say my worst was waking up in a Colombian jail.

Not sure how I got there.

Something to do with selling illegal eels.

(laughs)

I was gonna tell a harrowing story about a flat tire in Fresno, but I forgot who I was having dinner with.

It's hard to unseat the champ.

Well, the truth is, all my Valentine's Days were the worst before I met you.

Aw.

I love you. Can I open my present now?

- There's a present?

Go, go, go!

- (ringtone playing)

Oh, wait. No, no. Don't open it till I'm off.

Hey, Tammy.

Marjorie's gone down a rabbit hole, and I don't know what to do.

She's sitting in the dark muttering about giving her cats away to younger people.

- Oh, no. - What's going on?

Marjorie's gone to a bad place, and Tammy don't know what to do.

Who are you talking to?

Oh, Bonnie. I'm out with her and Adam.

Why are you... ?

Never mind. Let me talk to her.

Hey, Tam.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

- Two more for dinner?

- Uh-huh.

I heard about the whole Gary text thing.

That's just messed up. I'm sorry.

Thank you.

He didn't like him, either.

Did everyone hate Gary?

Hate's a strong word, but it's the right word.

Why didn't anybody tell me?

Well, you seemed so happy.

And we didn't want to rain on your sex parade.

Oh, well, he was the grand marshal of the sex parade.

(laughs)

But if I'm completely honest, I sometimes found him challenging.

- He could be a bit opinionated. - And a little overbearing.

- Kind of a know-it-all. - He was a d*ck.

Don't say "d*ck" in a swanky restaurant.

I don't know about women... but guys have a rule that you don't bash the ex until you're sure that they're not getting back together.

Like the other person's dead, preferably cremated and you've looked inside the urn.

(laughter)

He broke up with me by text, so, in the words of Taylor Swift, "We are never, ever, ever getting back together." (laughs)

Well, for what it's worth, I think you can do a lot better.

Well, thank you.

And I'm starting to feel a little better, too.

Maybe all I needed was a night out with my gals.

Aw, you hear that?

You're one of the gals.

I'm honored. Though, I think the people in this restaurant think I'm some sort of cult leader.

(laughter)

You know the one thing that's missing?

Ketchup?

I think they're pretending they don't have any.

Wendy. If I'm gonna have a romantic Valentine's dinner with all my girlfriends, she should be here.

Excuse me. We're gonna need another chair.

And I get that you "don't have ketchup," but do you have ranch or barbecue sauce or mustard?

Just looking for a little dip here, sir.

I'm glad you called.

Having a boyfriend who's with his wife on Valentine's Day is rough.

Even though I violently disagree with your choices, I'm violently happy you're here.

- One for you. - (gasps)

- One for you. - Aw.

One for you.

- Oh. - One for you.

Oh.

And two for you.

- (laughs)

- I'm no dummy.

(laughter)

You know, you see this happen in restaurants, and it's the hokiest thing ever, and then it happens to you, and it's so nice.

You're a classy son of a bitch.

(gasps)

Swanky. I forgot.

- Should we give this another sh*t?

- Ooh, tiny box alert.

(chuckles)

Oh, Adam.

- It's beautiful. - Oh, let me see!

Oh, that's a nice weight.

Oh, Adam, so elegant.

- Really pretty. - There's an inscription.

Oh, yeah. Look, it says...

Ooh, probably Bonnie should read it.

"No, sorry, no Linda here." What does that mean?

Those are the first words you ever said to me.

When I called the wrong number that ended up being the right number.

You're amazing.

I would like to propose a toast.

To Adam Janikowski, who has made our friend happier than she has ever been, and he also puts up with all of us, which is something even we have trouble doing.

(laughter)

I knew when I married Bonnie that I was also marrying all of you.

And I'm good with that.

I love you guys.

Oh.

Pay attention, ladies.

Don't settle for anything less than this.

Wendy, don't you even look at him.

(humming)

Well, somebody's got their sparkle back.

Mm-hmm.

Well, I stopped at the farmer's market on the way here, and I got talking to the cantaloupe man.

Long story short, we're having coffee next Wednesday.

Oh, thank God. I can put all the sharp knives back in the kitchen.

The good news is maybe it'll work out, but the better news is, even if it doesn't, it's given me hope that I've still got game.

Mm. The best news is we can make jokes about him squeezing your melons.

(laughter)

Oh, I want a cantaloupe man.

I really need to start doing my own shopping.

No. I'd rather be alone forever.

It's 'cause those were the first words I ever said to him.

It was a wrong number. Pretty magical story.

Hey, Bonnie, can I talk to you for a second?

Yeah. Later, I'll show you pictures of our dinner.

My phone put them into a little video with sentimental music.

It's actually very moving.

What's up?

I just want to let you know that Armand and I broke up.

I'm sorry, but I do think you made the right choice.

It wasn't my choice. It was his.

But can we say it was mine?

That's what I heard.