06x11 - Deep Cleaning

[bunniefuu]

Again, we're only open for curbside pickup today.

There won't be any customers in this store, so we get to go nuts.

Deep cleaning!

Yay!

Think about it like it's a storewide cavity search.

It's store 1217's turn to spread its cheeks.

Or think of it as a deep cleaning.

- Pretty clear, really.

- So what?

Now we have to do a deep clean, like, every year?

Yeah, one deep clean a year during a pandemic does sound a little excessive.

- Wow.

- How has it been a year already?

But also, how has it only been a year?

A whole year wasted.

Jerry and I never even got to go on our honeymoon.

I had to freeze my edible lingerie.

- Mom, that's gross.

- Oh, sorry.

It's like our whole lives are just on hold.

Welcome to my world.

Try waiting around to see if you're gonna get kicked out of the country.

But I do miss brunch.

Remember ordering a pancake for the table?

[murmurs of agreement]
You guys aren't gonna believe this, but I was almost sad that we didn't have our staff Christmas party.

- Aw!

- But I guess we're all used to stuff getting canceled by now.

[murmurs of agreement] Wait, not everything has to be canceled.

We're gonna have that Christmas party today!

I do have a little leftover eggnog in my locker.

You keep it, 'cause Garrett and I are gonna take care of everything.

- What... what am I doing?

- Oh.

I just assumed you'd want to help because you missed the Christmas party so much.

Oh, unless you had your heart set on cleaning?

Neither of those sound appealing, but I'll go with the one with a lower chance of finding another severed foot.

Okay, so you...

- The party.

- I'll help plan the party.

Whoo-hoo!

[upbeat music]

[dramatic music]

♪ - You know what?

- This is nice.

- Uh, what's nice?

- Just us.

Back to being platonic friends.

Brian and I back to being a traditional one-on-one.

Well, not completely traditional.

We're going through batteries like crazy.

Mm-hmm.

I just love how not awkward this all is.

Mm-hmm.

You know what really makes it not awkward?

- Saying that.

- Totally.

Yeah, same page.

Same page.

Well, I will see you at our next interaction, friend-o!

So who is she?

You have a very obvious flirty texting face.

Okay.

Keep it on the down low, but, uh, Carol's lawyer, Hannah, followed me on Instagram last week, and we've been kind of DMing.

Oh, my God, you're dating outside the store?

I'm so proud of you.

Well, nothing has actually happened yet, but she said that she has to come in to get Carol's signature on something, so I'm thinking I might ask her out.

Aw!

Go...

get 'em, tiger.

[both laugh] I don't know.

- What do straight boys say?

- [phone chimes] - No, I mean, you nailed it.

- That's exactly what we say.

Aw, sh**t.

An order just came in for Ron and Connie Sosa.

I mean, they didn't even really like me when we were together, so this is gonna be really awkward.

Well, then, let me do it.

- Really?

- Yeah.

You know, I barely met them.

Eric introduced me on a family Zoom once, but then his uncle revealed he had a secret family, so it just went off the rails.

- What?

- Yeah.

But now, I can give them the best customer service of their lives, and they'll love me forever.

- Yeah, sure.

- Then go for it.

Keep an eye out for a red Prius.

It smells like cough drops inside, but I don't think you'll need to know that.

Oh, Garrett.

You've got quite the gift for snowflake placement.

Thank you.

I think my secret is, I don't care.

This is gonna be so nice.

It almost makes me wish we could celebrate the other holidays we missed too.

Yeah, like Halloween.

I was dressed in full head-to-toe Shrek makeup, in my living room, for no one.

St.

Patrick's Day, Fourth of July...

my first Mother's Day.

I had always dreamed of going to Sweet Tomatoes, and hitting that salad bar, soups, serve-yourself froyo...

[shakily] I don't wanna talk about it.

- Well, you know what?

- Maybe we can celebrate all the holidays.

You know, have an All-iday Party!

Do you get it?

All the holidays?

- I get it.

- Yeah.

Yeah, that's genius.

Yeah, but I just think that maybe we got our hands full with one holiday.

Don't forget about Thanksgiving, man.

You know, the one with the pilgrims and the turkey?

Yeah, no, I know what Thanksgiving is, but... all right, sure.

Yes, we'll all have Thanksgiving dinner too.

- Okay?

- That's cool.

Wow, this party is gonna be... great once it all comes together, eventually.

Are you kidding me, Glenn?

Cooking Thanksgiving dinner?

- Well...

- That's too much work!

Yeah, but not after the tough year that they've all had.

I mean, look at poor Nia.

She's never gotten to celebrate any of the holidays with us.

It's okay.

I do those with family and friends.

Well, you're gonna forget all about them once you've partied with us at work.

All-iday!

Hey, are the floor cleaners almost ready?

We're just pushing that g...

[sniffs] Whoa, it reeks of chemicals in here.

We should air this out.

- Oh, yeah.

- Good idea.

[sighs in relief]

That fresh air feels nice on my face and eyebrows.

Dina, are you okay?

- [sniffs] - Hmm?

Oh, I just feel a little lightheaded.

I should probably sit down.

You're already sitting.

What?

Oh.

I think maybe you got a little high from the fumes.

Wait, could you repeat that, but slower?

I think I might be a little...

oh, no.

Drive safe.

Oh, there they are.

Red Prius.

Okay, watch, I'm gonna get rid of these other cars so they don't have to wait in line.

- VIP treatment.

- Cool.

I'm gonna go... hide.

I mean, not hide, but...

yeah, I'm gonna go hide.

Okay.

Sorry, your order's not ready.

Uh, don't you need my order number?

- Nope!

Don't need it.

- It's not ready.

Take a lap.

Come on.

Take a lap.

Keep going.

Come on.

Keep going.

Take a lap.

Thank you.

Thank you.

All right.

Time to shine.

- [car honking] - Keep going.

- Take...

- [car honks] Excuse me, I said take a ♪♪♪♪ lap, okay?

Mateo!

We just honked to say hi.

- Connie.

Ron.

- [chuckles nervously]

Oh, my God, guys.

Hi...

[exhales shakily]

So you didn't give them their order?

Well, I couldn't let them drive away thinking I'm some sort of yelling, foul-mouthed dockworker!

I'm so sorry.

I guess they got a new car.

Doesn't matter.

Look, it was an accident, okay?

I'm sure they'll forgive you.

Like they forgave you for taking a dump all over Emma's quinceañera?

I mean, I wouldn't say...

I mean, that...

they were really different after that.

Just help me make it up to them.

Like, what's some stuff they would like?

- Um, okay.

- Let's see.

I know Connie collects those little porcelain child figurines.

Something in the store I can put in their order, please!

- Right, yes.

- Oh, they both love the...

Those fancy kettle chips.

You know, the sea salt and cracked pepper?

Okay.

It's worth a try.

I mean, I've gotta do something.

Eric is the best, and I do not want to mess things up.

Yeah!

Eric is the best.

He's so, like, comfortable in his own skin and, like, cool without even trying.

Okay, calm down, because he's taken.

♪ Like you want me to

♪ And I'll hold you tight

♪ Baby, all through the night ♪

So it turns out that pumpkins are definitely not in season, so I thought maybe we could carve these into jack-o'-lanterns.

I don't think you can carve oranges, but I just put a hand turkey on a menorah, so I guess anything's on the table.

Hey, guys!

We just wanted to take a sneak peek, if that's okay.

- Yeah.

- I don't know what you guys were planning, but for St.

Patrick's Day, my aunt makes this amazing Irish soda bread.

Kind of thought this covered it.

Oh.

Okay.

It's just, I was missing that soda bread this year.

That, and my aunt's hot son.

Aye-oh!

Well, I've never actually made soda bread before, but I could take a sh*t at it.

Since you guys are taking suggestions...

- We're not...

- My girlfriend and I were gonna paint mugs for each other for Valentine's Day.

I was gonna do a raptor on hers.

It would've been sick.

Okay, so you're saying that you want us to set up a mug painting station?

No, no.

Garrett, it's okay.

I just need a pen and a piece of paper to write all these great ideas down.

- Yeah, they're great.

- Hey, uh, Glenn?

You don't need to k*ll yourself.

Yeah, but come on.

You see how badly they need this.

- [sighs] - Okay!

So who's got requests?

Let me hear it.

My mom makes this menudo for Nochebuena.

[sighs] Next level.

I don't know.

I don't think you should eat anything back here.

It smells like garbage and raccoon pee.

- It's not pee.

- It's placenta.

They keep nesting in here.

I just need to find these salt and vinegar cookies.

I know we stuck some back here after they were recalled.

[phone buzzes] [gasps] It's Brian.

- I can't talk to him like this.

- Why not?

Bo and I always help each other if we're high.

I mean, this one time, I got scared of hair, so he shaved all the dogs for us.

It was really sweet.

No, I just don't want Brian to know.

I don't want anyone to know.

It's embarrassing.

Look at me!

I just invaded a raccoon's nest looking for cookies that will definitely make me sick.

Oh!

Thank God!

Here they are.

And we saw your special request, and warmed up that cottage cheese for you.

So good luck.

- [clears throat] - Hey, Jonah!

You're not gonna say hi?

[stammers] Ron!

Hey, Connie.

What are you...

I didn't even recognize you guys with the masks.

Hi!

Could you tell us what's going on with our order?

Oh, yeah.

I'm sure it'll be out soon.

I think, Mateo's doing everything he can to make it perfect for you.

Well, I told my online poker room "BRB," so he's kind of making me look like a liar.

Yeah...

look, Mateo just kind of wants to get off on the right foot with you guys, you know what I mean?

Between us, he's not even supposed to be working curbside.

He just saw this as an opportunity to, you know, win your approval, you know, for his future with Eric.

- Our approval?

- Like, our blessing?

Yeah, I mean, you know, whatever you want to call it, so...

- Our baby's getting married!

- Oh!

Oh, no!

- No, no, no.

That's not what I...

- It's okay.

We won't tell Mateo you told us.

Connie's really good at acting surprised.

- Oh, yeah.

- Cool.

Just to be clear, though...

- Hey, guys!

- So sorry for the delay.

I threw in a couple of extra kettle chips to make it up to you.

Ay, Dios mío.

[gasps] I'm so surprised.

- [giggles] - Our son is lucky to have you.

Wow, you really love kettle chips.

Mateo, by the way, if you want to talk to us, maybe we can go inside.

Somewhere a little more comfortable?

Sure!

Absolutely!

Uh, right now?

What about your poker game, Ron?

Hey, some things are more important.

- Ah.

- Come on.

Jonah.

- Park the car.

- Oh.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Happy to help.

It's so nice to be able to sit down in person.

I bet you thought I was just shoulders with a head.

[both laugh] We did!

That's funny, huh?

So funny.

[all laugh]

Hey, uh, Mateo, can I talk to you for a minute?

Uh, there's a curbside emergency.

Uh-huh.

Sure.

Oh, look.

I even got legs.

[both laugh]

Uh, so Ron and Connie are kind of expecting you to ask their blessing to...

marry Eric.

What?

Why?

Do kettle chips mean something in Honduran culture that I'm not aware of?

I told them that you wanted to make a good impression, and they made some leaps.

To marriage?

Eric and I aren't even talking about that!

Look, just say that you're not ready.

You know, that's reasonable.

You can even say that it's my fault.

It was your fault, but now they like me, and I'm not gonna screw that up.

You have to come back with me.

- Oh, no.

I can't.

- Please, Jonah.

They're not gonna expect me to ask if you're there.

- Mateo, I'm not...

- So I can be the blameless angel, and you can just be...

the weirdo who likes to hang out with his ex's parents.

I feel like there has to be a better way.

- Connie, Ron!

- Jonah's gonna join us.

[whispers loudly]

He misses you guys.

[microwave beeps]

- Ow!

Hot, hot!

- Hot, hot, hot!

Ow!

Okay, so now, all I gotta do is pick out the mushrooms from the cream of mushroom, the way that Don's gam-gam does it, and I think we'll pretty much be all done!

What the hell is that?

Oh!

That's Garfield.

I made him 'cause Sandra was really missing seeing him in the Thanksgiving Day Parade.

Oh, well, now she'll see him every time she closes her eyes.

- Oh!

- Come on, Garrett.

It's just Garfield.

- No, no, no, no.

- Glenn, turn around.

But slowly.

No!

Come on, guys.

That food's for us!

[raccoons chittering] No, I mean it!

Seriously!

Guys.

Guys.

Guys!

- Oh, God.

- Hey, real quick.

How do you talk to people again?

- Oh, just act normal.

- No one's even gonna know.

- Right.

Normal.

- Dina.

Can you help us with this?

We can't figure out how to use it.

It's okay.

Okay, first of all, I would like to thank you for starting a conversation with me.

Um, you asked me a question, which means now...

it's my turn to answer it, so...

you just grip it firmly, almost as though the scrubber is an extension of your arms.

Kind of like you got two long, industrial cleaning arms.

[chuckles] Not that I think that those are my actual arms.

I know I have normal arms.

Just a couple of flesh tubes, filled with blood.

Yo, are you high right now?

What did you just say to me?

Uh, so you guys know the arm thing now, and you can take it from here.

We gotta go.

I think I'm starting to hallucinate.

No, it's...

Dina.

And yet he ended up getting the answer right anyway, and wins the game.

Okay, thank you for walking us through the plot of "Slumdog Millionaire," a movie that we said we've all seen.

Uh-huh, yeah.

No problem.

Jonah, don't let us keep you if you have to go back to work.

I am sure Mateo would love some alone time with us anyway.

- [chuckles nervously]

- Yeah, Jonah.

Kind of awkward you're just sticking around.

Well, uh, I am on the clock.

- [whimpers] - But, no.

No!

I am not going anywhere.

No.

We've got some catching up to do.

So is that recipe you sent me a joke, or would I be making the vegan bacon for my enemies?

Hey, it's...

you!

- [laughs]

- Hi.

I'm Hannah.

Hannah!

These are my friends, Ron and Connie.

- He used to date our daughter.

- Till he dumped her.

- Oh.

- Ah, that's not true.

I didn't even want to break up.

I mean, I'm glad I did, because it made me a better person.

Not that Amy made me a bad person!

Uh, anyway, Carol's here somewhere, so you should go...

to...

to her.

Cool.

[sighs] Jonah, don't be rude.

Tell us all the vegan bacon recipe!

Yes!

Uh...

Okay, enough.

Jonah's not picking up on social cues, as usual, so I'll just ask the question: Mateo, do you want our blessing to marry our son?

Mm-hmm.

Yep.

- That I do.

- [gasps]

Oh, I'm so surprised!

Okay, I think we can make this work.

You know, we'll just pick the fur out, and, you know...

and then sort of smush it back together, and then let the good times roll.

Come on, Glenn.

It's fine.

We'll just tell people the party's off.

- No!

- People deserve a good time.

Come on.

We can fix this.

Garrett, why aren't you picking and smushing?

'Cause I'm not gonna do that, dude!

Just get over it.

There's nothing you can do to make people happy.

That's just the way it is.

The pandemic happened, and everybody had a ♪♪♪♪ year.

You don't think I know that?

Look, I gotta try to give them something!

I mean, people have been working nonstop for so long, risking their health, you know, and then we didn't even get Christmas.

You know, we had to stay at home eating baloney sandwiches and watching church on Facebook Live!

I-I...

people have missed out on so much.

And I just wanna give them, like, one little ray of sunshine, but I guess not!

Not in this...

piece of crap year!

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

- Oh, yeah.

- Yeah, I'm eating raccoon fur.

And I don't care!

So that's all I need from you.

I'll give you a call if there's any updates.

Great.

And did you get my text about which employees here I think are circumcised?

I did.

Yes.

I'm sorry.

How do you think that helps?

You're the lawyer.

Hey.

So, um, look, I'm sorry about before.

I didn't mean to blow you off or anything.

It was just, like, a little awkward...

Oh, no.

That's fine.

I think it's totally cool that you're friends with your ex-girlfriend's parents.

But I'm really not.

- Oh, good.

- Because that was weird.

It was, like, a massive red flag.

[both laugh]

Uh, look, this might violate some professional ethics or something, and I know you just came to get Carol's signature...

Well, I usually have my clients e-sign.

- Oh.

- Uh, okay.

Well then, would you maybe want to get dinner this weekend?

- Yeah, I would.

- All right.

Now, my dad only eats Italian, and my mom is gonna want it early, like 5:00-ish.

- Oh, okay.

Yeah.

No.

- I figured.

I figured as much.

I mean, it wouldn't be a date without, um...

I wanna say Barb and Mitch?

Sure, let's say Barb and Mitch.

- Great.

Yeah, no.

- I think the four of us are gonna have a great time together.

- [laughs]

- Okay.

[overlapping chatter]

[overlapping chatter fades]

So where do we paint the mugs?

You don't.

What about the Irish soda bread?

- The raccoons ate it.

- [sighs]

[overlapping chatter]

- All right.

Look.

- Okay, guys, you know what?

Sure, this party looks like "A Charlie Brown Hoarders Special," but for once, you guys have to do the people-pleasing because Glenn has been doing it all day, all year.

You know what?

He's been doing it since he started working here.

So here's what's gonna happen: You guys are gonna enjoy this weird-ass little party 'cause that's what Glenn wants.

Got it?

I'll put vodka in the punch.

Now that's what I'm talking about.

[murmurs of agreement]

Hey, fiancé.

- Oh, God.

- What parts did you hear?

Not much, since my mom was crying a lot, but I was able to catch that we're getting married?

Okay, I swear this is all Jonah's fault...

It's fine.

I'm sure Parker will get a new tooth soon and they'll forget that we promised them a big wedding.

- [sighs in relief] - Yeah.

Although...

That's a pretty big "although" to leave hanging.

- [sighs] - I don't know.

I've been trying not to think about my future just 'cause it's so up in the air with my status, and, you know, everything being hell, but...

I'm just sick of putting everything on hold.

So...

yeah.

I want to marry you someday.

I mean, not that I even know if that's something you want..

But it is.

Really?

We should start talking about it.

[sighs in relief]

I just would've preferred we talk about it before my mom started sending me photos of matching white tuxes.

- [laughs]

- Oh.

[uplifting music]

♪ We would never do matching white tuxes, by the way.

Never!

I don't know, Jerusha.

I don't think I need a pepperoni casserole right now.

I need a time machine.

Will Glenn Sturgis please report to the warehouse?

Glenn.

Sturgis.

Warehouse.

Uh, I gotta go.

♪ Deck the halls

- ♪ Deck the halls

- [excited chatter]

♪ Deck the halls

♪ Deck the halls

♪ See the blazing yule

♪ Before us

♪ Fa la la la la Wow!

This is wonderful.

Yeah, I gotta say, Glenn, I was wrong.

People seem to really like the party.

Yeah, I know!

Look at the look of childlike wonder on Brett's face.

♪ Deck the halls Aw!

- Oh!

- Hey!

- [grunts]

- [cheering]

[laughs]

Wait, are those potatoes?

Do people know they have candy in Ireland?

Shh, we're not questioning it.

- Great party, Glenn!

- Oh!

- [laughs]

- Hey, friend-o!

How was the deep clean?

Did you guys find any vintage COVID from April?

- Oh, uh, yeah.

- Everything was great.

Dina was especially normal.

- It's okay.

- It's Garrett.

- I was high today.

- What?

Are you serious?

Well, I wanna know everything.

Context, embarrassing anecdotes,

- the whole nine yards.

- Okay.

So it all started first thing in the morning, right?

♪ Mistletoeing, and hearts will be glowing ♪

♪ When loved ones are near

- Hey, everybody!

It's snowing!

It's an All-iday miracle!

♪ Oh, the most wonderful time ♪

♪ Of the year

[all grunting] Oh.

Yeah.

It's been snowing for months.

Close the door!

Jesus, Glenn!