05x12 - How Oliver Got His Groove Back

[bunniefuu]

I figured out Franklin's anniversary gift.

Have you guys been together two years already?

No.

It's the anniversary of the first time we shared the same piece of gum.

I hope you got to go first.

- And third.

- Mm.

What are you getting Franklin?

I'm gonna make him a licorice cake.

Nothing excites the kid more than a pre-World w*r II era dessert.

Oh, stop wasting your time.

Anniversaries are just lame creations by Hallmark to make you think love is real.

Mom, can boys have a time of the month?

Absolutely.

The symptom to watch for in your father is complaining about the water bill.

- What's up?

- Nothing.

Really?

Because you seem like someone who just saw the girl he took to the prom, who he thought he was kind of dating, and found out that she was back in town and didn't call him.

That's just the vibe I'm getting.

Oh, Taylor told you.

Yes, I have a Lindsey-shaped hole in my heart.

But the pain has become my companion.

Moping around the house is not going to help you feel better.

Why don't you come to Stewart and Kingston's with me and we can pick up a few things?

No thanks.

Oh, I see.

There's been a misunderstanding.

I used a friendly tone.

My mistake.

Get your [bleep]

ass in the [bleep]

car.

That felt right.

♪♪ According to the City Council election polls, - you're in fourth place.

- How is that possible when there are only three people running?

A lot of people are planning to write in Kanye.

And the main reason you're in last place is that slimy frontrunner, Steve Hobert.

I know.

He's dumping tons of money into negative ads against me.

Well, you're my campaign manager.

There must be some way to stop him.

How about we take him out of the race entirely?

- How?

- I did some recon.

I followed him around.

I got something good.

What?

Hookers?

dr*gs?

Nah, dude, "Grand Theft Auto" made those cool.

That would get him elected.

No, I found out that Hobert gets his feet massaged at the same place in Norwalk every Wednesday.

How does that help me?

Because I slipped a masseuse there $ and then $ , and then a Mazda Miata, and she told me that Hobert gets super relaxed, starts talking all this smack about Westport.

Apparently, he thinks this is a dinky little town and just a stepping stone to him becoming a congressman.

So, all we have to do is record him bad-mouthing Westport and put it on the Internet.

Exactly!

I will throw on one of these disguises that I use for my prank videos.

I will go down to the massage parlor and I will record the Hobert scandal with a hidden camera.

Then I'm gonna go to my buddy's house, trick him into making out with me.

Boom!

Three million views.

No, you will not spy on Hobert.

I'll do it.

It's my political victory on the line, and my honor the man has besmirched.

Look whose plums just dropped.

I love the new Greg.

Fun fact, did you know that plums were a sign of courtship in feudal Japan?

Old Greg clawing his ass back.

So, it's kind of weird we haven't talked, you know, about what happened at Stewart and Kingston's.

You mean when I was with Andre and you were with that girl from work?

- Stella and I are just friends.

- It's fine.

And, uh, Andre and I aren't...

No, I know.

I know.

But we need to talk.

Um...

this is really hard.

Uh, I love you so much, but I feel like...

Like you need some space?

Or were you gonna say a snack?

'Cause I have some gummy worms in the car.

- Trip.

- You need some space.

- I get it.

- You do?

I was kind of thinking the same thing.

How can we be sure that we're meant to be together if we've never been with anyone else?

You're not just saying that to make me feel better?

No, I even wrote it in Sharpie on my hand.

I ran out of space 'cause I always write too big in the beginning.

You know?

I can't believe we're having this conversation.

Babe, it's okay.

If we're supposed to be together forever, then we'll find our way back someday.

So what do we do now?

I guess, uh...

I'll see ya.

Yeah, see ya.

Oh, wait, there's something else I have to tell you.

Fuji apples, only if firm.

Oh, oh.

Forget it.

That was for my mom.

[Engine starts]

♪♪ ♪♪ See?

Isn't it good getting out of the house?

My house is my pain and I can never truly leave.

I'm seconds away from slapping you.

Oliver, right?

You're in my econ class.

I should really deny you service for always acing those tests and messing up the curve.

Audra.

Right.

Hey.

It's nice to see you outside of school.

Thanks.

Do you want a free sample?

Choose anything you want.

If I stick my thumb in it, it becomes a sample.

Nah.

Thank you.

What the hell is wrong with you?

She was into you!

Why did you ignore her?

I'm just not in the right place to start something with another girl.

Well, you better get in the right place, because I'm tired of this mopey Oliver.

I miss my terrible, overconfident, douchebag Oliver.

For now, I'm just gonna focus on school and getting into Harvard.

That's your dad in you talking.

You need to harness your inner me and sack up.

I don't need your help.

Just stay out of it.

You can't just have a work life.

You need a social life!

A social life with boobs!

♪♪ ANNA-KAT: Happy anniversary!

I made you this licorice cake from scratch.

No way.

A pre-World w*r II era dessert!

Mmm.

The frosting has the decadence of the Roaring Twenties.

The cake is moist and somber like the Great Depression.

That's exactly what I was going for.

Now, for your gift, please sit back and enjoy the show.

[Beep]

[Rapping]

♪ My mom's minivan warms me to my core ♪

♪ I have a special secret handshake with every door ♪

♪ Chariot of my mother, I could never choose another ♪

♪ Your six cupholders make my little heart flutter ♪

♪ Minivan, minivan, you taught me to love ♪

♪ Wrapped in your seatbelt is my favorite hug ♪

♪ On a hot day your AC never misses ♪

♪ The air in my face is like you're blowing me kisses ♪

What was that?

I wrote you a song.

About your mother's car?

My gift was super thoughtful, and you give me this?

It had nothing to do with us.

The worst part is your flow is so fire, it's gonna be in my head for the rest of the day!

♪♪ Thanks again for taking me out.

That was my first time seeing a foreign film.

Yeah, yeah, I gathered that when you started singing the subtitles instead of reading them to yourself.

I thought it was a sing-a-long.

Well, I mean, the good news is that you have a really beautiful voice.

Thanks.

Sorry, I-I-I thought you wanted to kiss me.

Oh, I-I did!

Um, I don't know what happened.

Uh, let's try that again.

Oh, okay.

Forehead, cheek.

- I'm starting to feel like your grandma.

- I'm so sorry.

I-I really don't know what's happening.

Taylor, you're getting out of a serious relationship.

It's just bad timing, which is unfortunate for me, because... well, I really like you.

I guess call me, you know, if you, uh, ever regain control of your body, that is.

♪♪ And ever since that, Oliver's confidence has been shattered.

He even blew off Audra who works the register.

Oh, why?

Audra is so cute.

He just needs a little help getting back in the saddle.

Maybe we can help him make the first move.

Ooh, that sounds good.

What's your plan?

I'm an idea person.

I don't really have a follow-through.

- I'm in.

- Ugh, damn it.

I keep forgetting to move that fourth chair.

You need me.

Hear me out.

I know Audra's last name from the employee roster.

So, we can find her on Instagram and message her as Oliver.

I hate to admit it, but I love that idea.

All we need is Oliver's password.

Well, I've got access to his Instagram.

He logged in on my phone once when he misplaced his and thought I logged out because "I promised." Promises to kids are non-binding and hilarious.

First thing we do is turn off his notifications so he doesn't get any alerts on his phone.

This is not my first stalking rodeo.

Tami, you've got intelligence.

J.D., you got style, and I've got confidence bordering on cockiness.

And I'm the guy who doesn't know or respect personal boundaries.

So I've been told in court.

Together we make one kick-ass -year-old boy!

I'm just gonna start things off by saying "sup?" Oh, my God, she sent me a smiley-face emoji.

She likes me.

Us.

- Oliver.

- Oh.

Right.

I forgot what we were doing for a second.

What are you doing with Franklin's present?

You worked so hard on it.

Yeah, that's the point.

I worked so hard on his and he didn't work hard on mine at all.

He wrote me a rap song about his mother's car.

I didn't like it, so he just took off.

Honey, sometimes in relationships you got to fake it a little bit.

Let me show you something.

These are all gifts that your father gave me that I cannot stand.

Some sonnets written in calligraphy all titled "Katie," journals that I will never use, coasters with my kids' faces on them.

We gave you those.

The point is, he's a horrible gift giver.

But also a great guy who might be the most genuine man I have ever met.

Hey.

I, Randall Stocktin, mail carrier, am off to ruin a man's life!

Anyway...

♪♪ Nothing like getting your toesees pampered after a long day of delivering the mail.

I still have to take this last one all the way to Westport.

Boy, is that town boring and full of idiots, eh?

Sorry, I'm here to enjoy my massage in peace, not chit chat with a stranger.

Well, let's get to know each other better so we're not strangers.

My favorite fast track to friendship is admitting secrets.

I'll go first.

I open Christmas cards before I deliver them.

Makes me feel like I have a family.

- Now you go.

- Not interested.

Come on, it could be anything.

Maybe you enjoy littering.

Or, I don't know, totally random, maybe you hate Westport as much as I do.

What did you say your name was?

Randall Stocktin.

Well, you know what, Randall?

You kind of remind me of somebody.

Uh, uh, really?

Who?

My mother.

She also thinks I care about her thoughts and talks too much.

Now, if you'll excuse me, you've ruined my massage.

[Sniffs]

Mmm!

I love the smell of fresh mail.

[Sniffs]

Mail.

You know what?

Tack on an extra fifty for yourself.

That's my work card, so I won't feel it.

Lonnie, that's a city credit card for town use only.

Bruh, he's paying for these massages with taxpayer dollars!

And we got it all on tape!

He's so busted!

- Yeah, he is!

- [Both laugh]

All right, I got to bail.

I got a : mammogram.

♪♪ I really thought I wanted to be with Andre, but when we went to kiss, something felt off, and I-I couldn't go through with it.

Well, you've been in a relationship

- since the beginning of high school.

- That's true.

Maybe you want a chance to be independent.

Do a little self-discovery.

Hang out with some girlfriends.

Find a hobby.

Take in a sunset.

Wow.

That's actually great advice.

Yeah.

I got it from "Eat, Pray, Love." The movie, obviously.

Mama don't read.

♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ I'm still thinking about that cute checkout girl from Stewart and Kingston's.

That's weird.

Do I need to tell Dad?

I think you two would hit it off.

Mom, stop meddling.

I'm not gonna ask her out.

You don't have to, 'cause I did and she's coming over to hang.

Tell me you did not call a girl from my school and ask her out for me.

Of course not, that would be crazy.

I just used your Instagram account and had Tami, J.D., and Walker help me impersonate you.

You've done some messed up stuff in your time, but this is borderline psychotic!

You think?

I literally said I do not need your help!

Which is a classic cry for help!

All I did was invite a beautiful girl to come over and possibly make out with you on the couch.

I am sorry that I am the greatest wing-woman of all time.

When will you stop meddling in my life?!

Never.

I'm gonna message Audra right now and call it off.

[Doorbell rings]

You can't, 'cause she's already here.

Oh, and just a heads up in case she mentions it, in the Nicki-Cardi B fight, you're team Nicki!

Okay, now you go.

I'd marry Pikachu, kiss Lucario, and k*ll Greninja.

That is such a good answer.

- [Chuckles]

- So, what should we do next?

Want to watch a movie?

Uh, yeah, sounds good.

I actually haven't seen your favorite movie, so do you want to watch that?

Right.

My favorite movie.

I'd love to show you my favorite movie.

Okay, what did we say his favorite movie was?

That was me.

I'm trying to remember where we can stream my favorite movie.

Which is obviously...

[Cellphone vibrates]

..."Little Women." See, we got this!

Why "Little Women"?

J.D. is a big Timothée Chalamet-head.

Ah, it's pronounced Timo-tay, and he's on his way to an Oscar, so let's try to be better, okay?

And how funny is it that we have the same favorite snack?

- So funny.

- Yeah.

Let me get our favorite snack for us to eat while we watch my favorite movie.

That would be my favorite, Hot Cheetos.

But now he's gonna eat my Cheetos.

Ugh, I didn't think this through.

[Both sigh]

[Luthor whimpers]

[Laughs]

Oh, he's so cute.

Did you get him before or after the loss of Mr. Slytherin?

[Chuckles]

Mr. Slytherin?

- Not it!

- Not it!

- Walker!

- Yeah, that was me.

Mr. Slytherin is his pet snake that d*ed.

It's good to play the sympathy card.

That was taken from my own life by the way, so it's personal.

You're welcome.

Ugh.

Why not get French fries?

The loss of any living thing is tough.

I bet.

And he d*ed in such an unusual way.

Oh, yeah.

It was crazy.

- Yeah.

- I'm still waiting to process it!

[Cellphone chimes]

Why did I just get a DM from you that said, "The snake d*ed on a roller coaster"?

[Groans]

What did you do?!

I popped into the wrong window and texted her Instagram instead of Oliver.

Oh, this is why the youngest person should handle the phone.

You're DMing me right now, but you're sitting in front of me.

What...

What is going on?

[Cellphone vibrates]

I'm gonna be honest.

My mom's the one who's been DMing you.

I've been DMing your mother?!

Well, yes.

And also her best friend and this new guy she just met.

And some creepy weirdo at Stewart and Kingston's.

Walker?!

That is seriously messed up!

I-I am out of here!

Audra, wait!

I can explain!

I think.

[Door opens, slams]

This is where Keith Morrison is gonna stand when he discusses me murdering you on "Dateline." Mm.

♪♪ Audra, I'm so sorry.

I-I swear this was not my idea.

I was getting over someone and my mom gets too involved in my life, even when I tell her not to.

But in this case, I'm glad she did, because if she didn't, I wouldn't have gotten to know you.

Believe it or not, I can totally relate.

- Really?

- Yeah.

Um...

[Clears throat]

See that, uh, parked car over there with the woman hiding behind the steering wheel?

- [Chuckles]

- That's my mother.

Yeah.

[Laughs]

Sounds like we already have so much in common.

[Cellphone chimes]

Uh, your mom just texted me, "Make the first move because he won't."

KATIE: I'm not wrong!

♪♪ [Sighs]

When are you leaking the Hobert dirt?

- Soon.

- This is gonna be big.

Like lose your marriage, live in your car big.

Destroyyyyedd!

Yeah, that sounds fantastic.

Are you thinking of backing out?

No, no, I'm not.

Yeah, yeah, I am.

You're just a good guy.

That's just who you are.

It's not my favorite thing about you, but it's not my least favorite.

Guess what is.

- My pants?

- Yeah, dawg!

♪♪ Franklin?

Your mom just told me you were in the hospital.

Yeah.

Sorry for missing your calls.

I had an allergic reaction to the licorice cake.

Oh, my God!

How did you not know you were allergic to licorice?

Oh, I knew, but you worked so hard on the cake.

Obviously I'd roll the dice on a near-death experience over hurting your feelings.

That is so sweet.

Is that why you left without saying anything?

Yeah, my tongue started swelling pretty quickly.

Once it feels like a sweet potato, I know it's time to jet.

I wish you'd said something.

All this whole time, I thought you were mad at me because I didn't like your rap.

I mean, I liked it.

I just thought for an anniversary gift, it was... confusing.

The worst part about choking on my tongue was that I didn't get a chance to explain.

The minivan is where we shared that piece of gum, boo.

I love that car because it reminds me of you.

Oh, man!

More bars!

I've got to get back in the studio.

♪♪ [Sighs]

♪♪ ♪♪ One cheeseburger taco, please.

[Indistinct conversations]

Trip?

Taylor?

What are you doing here?

I-I don't know.

This is kind of our happy place.

I mean, remember how psyched you were the first time you had your first cheeseburger taco?

If the cheeseburger taco could happen, then anything is possible.

I really missed you, and through our time apart, I realized the only person I ever want to be with is you.

Break over?

I'm sorry, I actually need a little more time.

Okay, that's enough time.

Break over.

I have to admit, I did enjoy my time alone.

I really dug down deep and found myself.

Yeah, it was a long afternoon for me too.

Look at that.

We made our way back.

♪♪ This is the best day ever!

[Both laugh]

♪♪ [Sighs]

I'm sorry for hacking into your account.

You should be, because you created a huge mess.

But I know you were just giving me the nudge I needed to get my confidence back.

What I'm hearing is, it all worked out because I got involved.

No, it worked out because she realized what an awesome guy I am.

- There's my arrogant douchebag.

- [Scoffs]

[Laughs]

♪♪ Hobert decided to drop out of the race.

- Look at that!

- Huh.

Justice prevailed and you didn't even have to use that dirt on him.

Yeah, he just decided to...

Lonnie, what did you do?

How dare you, sir?

Okay, I just showed Hobert the video and he decided, all on his own, that it was best for him to drop out of the race.

Which is good for Westport and good for you.

And we got to play dress up.

There ya go!

How about we dress up like a couple of -year-olds and go take a water aerobics class at the Y?

I'm not gonna do that.

Well, you know where I'll be.

[Laughs]

♪♪