05x19 - Vice Mommy

[bunniefuu]

As you all know, I
have recently enrolled

in Orlando State University's

prestigious school
administration program.

I was holding for applause.

Thank you, thank you. You're too kind.

It's time this bird flew back to school

to become the teacher-boss
she was always meant to be.

I won't be around as
much, but don't worry.

I will be leaving you
in very capable hands.

Everybody, please give your full
attention and respect to...

Evan.

Thank you. It's an honor.

Evan's in charge? But what about Dad?

Oh, well, I can't be in charge

'cause I'm too busy
running the restaurant.

Yes, that's exactly it.

I have appointed Evan to the
position of Vice Mommy.

Vice Mommy? Sounds like a made-up job.

Well, "Emery" sounds like
a made-up name, so...

[Chuckles]

Vice Mommy, the floor is yours.

I want to work with you, not at you,

so, please, for the love of God,

work with me.

I don't hear applause.

♪ Fresh off the boat ♪

♪ I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go ♪

♪ If you don't know,
homey, now you know ♪

♪ Fresh off the boat ♪

♪ Homey, you don't know
where I come from ♪

♪ But I know where I'm goin' ♪

♪ I'm fresh off the boat ♪

There's a cookie in here
with your name on it,

but promise me you'll
eat your carrots first.

Yes, Vice Mommy.

[Rustling, zipper closes]

Wait, did you...

Hide Dad's purple tie so he
doesn't waste minutes

debating if he can pull it off? Yes.

Good. Did you...

Clean the hair out of the drain

so Emery doesn't think
it's a shower rat?

No. He needs to learn.

Yes.

He must be braver.

[Sighs] I guess I'm just nervous.

As the roaring engine of
the Huang family machine,

I'm afraid things will
fall apart without me.

Maybe I should just stay home,

put school off for another year...

or .

Woman! That's crazy talk!

This is your dream!

I know, but what if Eddie
forgets to pack for Taiwan

or Grandma succeeds in
throwing that party

she's been threatening
to throw for two years?

Relax. I've got you covered.

I've even scheduled Vice Mommy Reports,

or "VMRs."

Each night, we'll decompress
over a game of Scrabble,

and I'll fill you in on
news from the home front.

Sounds good.

Sprinkle in some current events, too.

I like to be informed.

Come on. You'll miss the bus.

I'm driving.

They grow up so fast.

Thank you, Evan.

I don't know what I'd do without you.

[Door opens, closes]

Don't even think about it.

[Sighs] Why are you such a bummer?

Because things are changing around here.

A lesser boy may be worried

about losing his mommy
to school, but not me.

I'm gonna make sure
everything runs perfectly

so that Mommy will have more
than enough time for me.

_

I'll take that as a compliment.

Now, please,

turn around and count to
so I can hide the phone.

[Button clacks]

[Whirring]

Hey, delivery boy,

these guys may look like regular cans,

but they're all secretly wallets.

You can borrow 'em for your trip.

Oh, thanks!

But I'll respectfully pass
on "Sensitive Skin" here.

Don't want thieves thinking I
can't handle a normal shave.

Oh, man.

I can't believe you're traveling
abroad, all by yourself.

Yeah, I'm pretty stoked for
this cultural exchange program.

I feel worldly and mature,

like I just tried sushi
for the first time.

And you're not freaked out at all?

Taiwan's pretty far away.

Like, farther than England.

The only thing I'm nervous about

is asking Tina to be my
girlfriend before I go.

She challenged me to improve
myself, and I think I have.

I noticed you've been
carrying around a hanky.

Oh, my gentleman's napkin?

Yeah.

I think I'm ready to ask her out.

I'd say so.

You and my sister going
steady... how thrilling.

Have you picked out the pin? Can I see?

The pin?

To make it official, my dad says
you have to offer up a pin.

I keep one on me at all times.

Oh, crap.

Is this another one of the old
man's antiquated customs?

Until last year, I thought

every family practiced
hiding underground

in case the Ruskis get any ideas.

[Triangle clanging]

Gather 'round, Cattlemen and women!

It is that time of the month.

Uh, I mean, it's Employee of
the Month time. [Chuckles]

Now, the winner of this month's award

is clearly driven.

He's had this in the bag.

He never phones it in,

but you can always count
on him to deliver.

[Chuckles] I wonder who it is!

The winner is...

my baby boy...

Who is it?

You still don't get it?

...Eddie! [Chuckles]

Huh. Must be nice to be the boss' son.

Uh, Dad, thanks, but I don't want you

to give me special treatment
just because I'm your son.

No, there's no special treatment.

You earned this fair and square.

[Baby-talking] I can't
help it if my little boy

is k*lling it at his big, grown-up job!

[Chuckles]

Wow, our first Asian
Employee of the Month.

What took so long, Louis?

[Grunts] Sat on my pin!

Don't you dare tell anyone
I'm dating my butt.

I'm adding an "I-V-E."

"Productive"!

Which is what I've been
while you were at school.

Is this really your best work?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

If you think it's your best
work, then I believe you.

Mm. These definitely
aren't worker hands.

Smooth as the city.

Sorry. It's what Mommy would say.

So, uh, a li'l birdie told me

you were making it official with Tina.

Let me guess. Is this li'l
birdie dating his own butt?

Ah, ah, ah!

Personal conversations after chores.

Pretty good job, right?

Mommy?

This is our time.

- I'm totally listening. What's up?
- Something wrong?

You played "sad" and didn't
make anything plural.

I'm thinking about school.

Oh. I see.

I got a B on my first assignment.

Not you! You're an A-plus Mommy!

- How did this happen?!
- I don't know!

I'm doing my best, and
the professor loves me.

I mean, can you blame her?

Well, what can I do to help?

I am your Vice Mommy, after all.

And you're doing a great job.

I'm sure I'll figure it out.

I think I'm gonna turn in.

We'll just call this a tie.

A tie?

[Whirring]

So, I don't need a big party.

What if I invite, like,
oh, four friends over?

We stay in my room.

My friends are cool.

We'll keep it chill.

Not now.

I'm losing Mommy time

because she's not doing well in school.

I wish she would just let me help.

You? Help?

[Laughs] What you going to do, huh?

Stow away in her backpack?

[Laughs]

Ah. Toasted.

[Laughs]

[Door opens, closes]

Big tips tonight. Look close.
You might even see a Lincoln.

What the hell?

TRENT: Whew! Quite a load.

You got your nickel's
worth out of that diaper.

The whole staff signed it
to wish you a good trip!

- Do you like it?
- No! I hate it!

I-I'm not wearing pants
in some of these.

Oh, come on. You're adorable!

Look at those tender baby-boy thighs.

Don't call me "baby boy"!

Chad can totally hear us.

Just look busy, like
you can't even hear.

Listen, you're doing so great at work,

and you're about to
travel abroad all alone.

I can't help but be proud.

Fine, but that doesn't mean

you need to broadcast
your feelings at work.

Just... act like my boss, please.

I'm nothing if not boss-like.

Well, most bosses don't have access

to their employees' baby pictures.

Please, just leave your dad hat at home.

[Sighs] No more special treatment.

I'm your employee here. That's it.

But you bought me Springsteen
tickets for Father's Day!

The Boss on Father's Day?

You started this confusion!

If we're changing our
Employee of the Month photos,

I'd love to use one where
my eyes aren't so open.

I'd also love a few weeks
so I can get a tan.

Just so you know, none
of these are plastic.

Thank you, Jessica.

With this harvest, I won't
have to visit the doctor

for at least a month.

[Forced laughter]

Oh, that's a very good joke, Professor.

Let's remember this
happy feeling always.

You know, especially come grading time.

[Chuckles]

'Scuse me.

Is this seat taken?

- Evan?
- That's right.

There's a new big man on campus,

and he's little.

Evan, this is grown-up school.

Kids aren't allowed here.

It's okay. I'm only here to help.

I'm an excellent student.

Is this a friend of yours?

[Forced laughter] Each joke
funnier than the last.

- Mm.
- Evan Huang.

Believe it or not, this
young lady right here

is my mother.

Good genes. What can I say?

Sorry to impose, but we had
some childcare issues.

It's so hard to find
good help these days.

Isn't it, though?

Is it all right if I stay?

I have some... coloring to catch up on.

You won't even know I'm here.

I don't see why not.

[Chuckles]

[Sighs]

I'm afraid my class
load is far too great

for me to hold office hours.

Instead, uh, you all know
my T.A., Burt Palouska.

"Professor too busy.

Needs help from Burt Papusa."

Burt is more than willing to help.

He is going to pass out a
sign-up sheet right now.

A little bit about me...
My full name is Ferburt.

I am not a family man.

I do have s...

Burt, the sign-up sheet.

Oh. Right.

Oh, no, thanks. You're
not the real teacher.

Oh.

Bingo.

I didn't realize this trip
required so much shaving.

Oh, my travel cans? They're
all secretly wallets.

I stored all my money in them.

Emery, you're supposedly
good with ladies, right?

This is supposedly true.

Well, let me ask you.

If I wanted to impress Tina,

would cooking her a romantic
dinner be a good idea?

That's a great idea.

She'll melt just like
butter on top of...

some hot food.

[Chuckles]

LOUIS: You know, the person

you should be thinking
about is your boss.

Have you told him about your trip?

Dad, you know about my trip.

Oh, yes, I know about your trip,

but your boss doesn't.

I'm lost.

Did a famous musician take
over Cattleman's again?

Well, since we're at home,
I have my dad hat on.

Allow me to give you
some fatherly advice.

Whenever you take a trip,

you always need to check in at work,

fill out the proper
time-off forms, et cetera.

For real?

For real.

You said you didn't want
any special treatment.

Ew. All your money's wet.

Wow. College is like
the Wild, Wild West.

People coming and going
without bathroom passes.

Somebody had a computer.

There was a girl who could
sit on her own hair.

Ugh. Denise.

When she buns it up, I
can't see the board.

Well, it was so great
spending the day together.

And also, I figured out your problem.

- It's Burt.
- What's Burt?

The T.A. He holds the key to your A.

Guy who turns on the projector?

Yeah. He's also the one
who grades the papers

and does all the grunt work

while the professor
soaks in all the glory.

He's the wind beneath her wings.

Exactly. So you need to win him over.

Go to his office hours. Invite
him over here to dinner.

And together, we'll charm him
all the way to A-Plus Town.

Or, better yet...

- A-Plus City.
- Mm.

It's like a town, but with
more people and more crime.

There comes a time in
every young man's life

when he's faced with the question...

Are you gonna b*at this
duck à l'orange recipe,

or are you gonna let this duck
à l'orange recipe b*at you?

Scoot over, li'l bro.

I gotta cook for my would-be
lady before I leave.

- Work my culinary magic.
- Sorry, can't.

I need the kitchen so I
can dazzle Burt Papusa.

Who the hell is Burt Papusa?

I don't have time to explain
who everyone is to you!

If you look at the family schedule,

you'll see that I have
reserved the kitchen.

As Vice Mommy, I'm gonna have
to insist that you leave.

You're gonna have to
find another kitchen

for your little flirt fest.

What is going on in this house?

You're the mom, Dad's the boss,

and Grandma asked me to
drive her to get a keg.

Please tell me you didn't.

Relax. She refused to put a
deposit down on the tap,

so we just turned around.

[Sighs]

Damn, girl! You finished
that whole steak!

[Thinking] What was
that? Come on, Huang!

You're trying to ask this girl out!

I'm just messing with you. [Laughs]

You're damn right I
ate that whole steak!

I always finish what I start.

I'm not afraid of commitment.

Oh, man, she's giving you nothing.

You're just gonna have to go for it.

Um, look, Tina.

I have something I want to ask.

What's all this?

Hey, Mr. Huang.

Tina. Always a pleasure.

Ooh, clean plate club. Nice. [Chuckles]

Eddie, a word, please?

Dad, you just interrupted
my romantic moment.

Look, no one wants you and
Tina together more than me,

but you used the work
kitchen without permission.

If you were any other
employee, you'd be fired.

See, Evan kicked me out, so
I had to find another...

Stop right there.

We're at work. I have my boss hat on.

I can't get in the middle
of your family drama.

Come on, Dad. You're
taking this too far.

You're the one who wanted
to draw these lines,

but only when it was convenient for you.

Clean the kitchen... now!

I should let you get back to work.

Um, I'll walk you out.

It's fine. Do your thing.

I'll see you later, okay?

Thanks a lot, boss.

It was worth the battle

to get Mommy to buy these butter knives.

[Door opens]

Evan, your plan worked.

Oh, it did?

What a surprise!

Burt was thrilled that I
attended his office hours.

Yes. I love it.

Where is that son of a g*n?
My duck's getting cold.

Oh, change of plans.

Burt invited me to join his study group

that meets tonight!

So, he's not coming for dinner?

No.

But the duck looks great, though.

You keep cooking like
this for the family,

you're gonna make me look bad.

Wait!

We still need to do our VMR.

Oh, you don't have to do
those for me anymore.

I know you have
everything under control.

[Door closes]

Hey, Julia Child.

I'm taking this guy back to my room.

Maybe a fun party

will turn your frown upside-down?

[Sighs] I can't believe
my plan backfired.

Instead of securing
more time with Mommy,

I've pushed her into the
waiting arms of Burt Papusa.

Aren't you going to ask
who Burt Papusa is?

I assume he's a wrestler.

Well, he's wrestled Mommy away
from me. That's for sure.

As long as you're taking
care of everything here,

she will be free to focus on
wrestling her new friends.

You're right!

Maybe I've been going
about this the wrong way.

Maybe you and I can
both get what we want.

Listen, I'm not gonna tell
you where the phone is,

but I will tell you

it's somewhere that rhymes with "coven."

Hmm.

"Coven."

Oh!

Oven. It's in the oven. I
hid the phone in the oven.

[School bell rings]

[Indistinct conversations]

Here's my leave-of-absence
paperwork for Cattleman's.

Dad said I should give it to you.

Do we have to do this here?

I like to keep work and school separate.

- Not you, too!
- Whoa! Easy, cowboy.

Tell your old pal Trent what's wrong.

I asked my dad to respect my boundaries,

and now he's being a tyrant.

A tyrant? That doesn't sound
like the Louis I know and love.

Don't take his side!

Oh, sorry. This is awkward for me.

I'm really good friends with you both.

You have to admit we
wouldn't be in this fight

if he didn't lay on the
special treatment so thick.

Eddie, you're not the only one
who gets special treatment.

Remember when I made the honor roll

and he named that dessert after me?

Trent-a-misu? Yeah.

And when Hector adopted that cat?

♪ Happy Meow Day to you ♪

♪ Happy Meow Day to you ♪

I didn't know you were in there!

Your dad treats all us
employees like family.

I feel terrible.

I just got so self-conscious
when Hector said,

"Must be nice to be the boss' son."

Oh. He meant that literally.
Don't feel bad.

Hector's a puzzle I've been
trying to solve for months.

Wow. And you're really
good at puzzles, too.

I know!

♪ I like Angela, Pamela,
Sandra, and Rita ♪

♪ And as I continue, you
know they getting sweeter ♪

♪ So what can I do? I
really beg you, my Lord ♪

♪ To me, flirting is just like a sport ♪

What the hell is this?

"MTV Beach House"?

You guys know you can
smoke in here, huh?

I don't care. I live in the garage!

[Laughter]

Jenny, I have told you a
thousand times... No parties!

_

_

I'll deal with you later. Where's Evan?

I'm over here.

[Sighs]

Evan!

You were supposed to be
in charge. What happened?

I tried to stop her, but I
only have so much power.

I'm just Vice Mommy.

Don't you take that
matronizing tone with me.

Okay, party's over!

Everybody out!

[People groaning]

Don't make me call your kids!

♪ Jump up and down, move it all... ♪

[Triangle clanging]

Cattlemen and women, gather 'round!

Eddie, I don't remember giving
you permission to ring Gertie.

It'll be worth it. Trust me.

I'd like to start by saying

I had the Huang attitude
about Employee of the Month.

"Huang" is a substitute for
"wrong." Nice wordplay.

I would like to take this opportunity

to formally apologize
to a special someone.

If he was a city, he'd be St. Louis.

Is it me?

Where are you going with this, Eddie?

I'm sorry I was such a jerk before.

You're not only the
best dad in the world,

you're also the best boss.

[Chuckles]

So, with your blessing,

I would like to re-accept
Employee of the Month,

but under one condition.

That you share it with me.

[Gasps]

I'd be honored.

Sorry I went overboard
with the baby pictures.

I've just really enjoyed
you working here,

and I wanted to make
sure you knew how I felt

before you left for Taiwan.

I always know how you feel,

embarrassing special treatment or not.

Well, shall we get back to it?

Sure, but I have one more favor.

I know we're at work, but
can you put your dad hat

back on long enough to
give me advice about Tina?

[Sighs]

Find me on your break.

This is what happens when I'm away?

Yes. I guess you should just
quit now and come back home.

You going back to school
was a big mistake.

No, my big mistake was giving
you too much responsibility!

Maybe I should put Emery in charge.

- He can't handle it!
- I can't handle it.

Hey, w-why not me?

[Sighs]

It wasn't too much for me.

I let Grandma have the party on purpose.

What?!

What is going on with you?
Why would you do that?

Because!

You were obsessed with
school, not to mention Burt.

- Who's Burt?
- Not now!

A hot wrestler.

[Sighs] I thought I could handle
you going back to school,

but I'm afraid I'm losing you.

Evan, you're not losing me.

I know this is a big adjustment.

You know, when you first started school,

I was scared of losing you, too.

- Really?
- Yes.

And it was hard.

But then I saw how great
school was for you.

You were so happy.

The classroom was my playground.

You came home every day with
something new to tell me,

and I need to make sure
I can do the same.

So Vice Mommy Reports are back on.

No exceptions.

Deal?

Deal.

You hear that, you two?

Clean up this mess.

_

You wanted this party so badly.

I'll clean whatever. I'm just
happy not to be in charge.

You'll be happy to know

that I helped Eddie avoid
a packing disaster.

He had all these cans in his suitcase.

I threw them all in the recycling

so he knew he had to pack for real.

- I've taught you well.
- Mm.

Tina, I'll cut right to
it. I'm shipping out.

Okay...?

I know we've been figuring
out our relationship,

but I'm here to tell you,
I'm a one-woman man...

And that woman is you.

I'm not gonna force your hand,
but I want you to know,

while I'm away, I'll be thinking of you.

And when I return, I want to
take you out on a romantic date.

I'm thinking... hot wings?

What do you say?

Well?

Your boy's off the market!

[Laughs] Yes!

That's my employee!

[Laughs]