01x09 - All Apologies

[bunniefuu]

Lisa Cramlin here with Graham Paul,

breaking down this afternoon's
Richmond-Arsenal match.

- Welcome, Graham.
- Pleasure to be here, Lisa.

[Lisa] So today was another tough day
for Roy Kent in a stretch of bad days.

- In his last nine games, Kent has had...
- [bubbling]

...while his turnovers
have nearly doubled.

And today, it was an ignominious
own goal...

There you are.

[Roy] Everyone gone?

Yes, sir. Well, except Rojas.

Darn kid's out on the practice pitch
still doing drills.

[Roy] What a f*cking assh*le.

- Right? [chuckles]
- Yeah.

[Ted sighs]

Somebody order a Roy on the rocks, huh?

How we doing in here? Whoo!

That is cold, man.

Just looking at you in there
is making me all chilly inside. [chuckles]

[TV continues, indistinct]

Can you just tell me I f*cked up
and then go?

Not gonna do that, bud.

I lost us the game. I'm a piece of sh*t.

Easy now. You had a bad day. Big whoop.

"Big whoop"?

Yeah, big whoop. [chuckles]

You b*ating yourself up is like
Woody Allen playing the clarinet.

I don't wanna hear it. All right?

So just, you know, knock it off.
Go easy on yourself. Okay?

Hey. I got your back.
Ain't nothing gonna change that.

Look at you in there, looking like
a brunette Oscar the Grouch.

- On or off?
- Off.

[Graham] You gotta stop holding on, Roy,
please, for us, for you.

Let it go.

- [Lisa] There you go.
- [Dani] Hola, Roy.

[Lisa] We're taking a break.
When we return,

we'll take a look at Jamie Tartt's
brilliant day for Manchester City.

[Dani singing in Spanish]

[bubbling]

[theme music plays]

That's it. Right there. Yep. Beautiful.

Oh, snap. Watch your back, Kate Moss.

There's a new bad girl
on the British modeling scene.

- Huh? Yeah?
- [woman] Okay, I think we've got it.

Brought these in case
you need a little biscuit boost. Yeah?

Man, oh, man.
You get nervous doing this kind of stuff?

It's a profile on women in football.
It's not a big deal.

There's, like, four of us:
me, Karen, Delia and Posh Spice.

Oh, come on, now.
Being a role model's a huge deal.

Don't you realize that there's probably
a little girl out there somewhere

rocking a tiny eggplant-colored
power suit,

and she's just dreaming about
becoming a sports executive someday.

She's gonna read this article
and she's gonna think,

"Holy smokes. My dreams are possible."

In this scenario of yours, little girls
read The Football Financial Quarterly?

Well, who knows?
Little girls are mysterious.

- [chuckles]
- And silly and powerful.

I gave up trying to figure them out
years ago.

Tell you what,
I wish Higgins was here to see this,

'cause he'd be real happy for you too.

I don't know about that, Ted.

When Higgins decided to quit,
he made it quite clear

what he thought about me,
and it wasn't supportive.

[imitates buzzer] Nope. I'm filing that
under stinkin' thinkin' right there. Okay?

I guarantee you, he'll come around.

- Right. I'm changing the subject.
- Go ahead.

How's the team morale
going into the final weekend?

I mean, I'm still heartbroken
about the last loss.

Are you?

- Of course.
- Ah.

- Hey, Keeley.
- Hi, Ted.

Hey, did those marketing folks
from Tom Ford ever get back to you?

Yeah, they did.

They said they're gonna stick
with the models they already have.

Aw, nuts.

I know. But they did say

that if they ever do an everyman campaign
or something satirical,

your name's on their list.

All right. There you go. That's not bad.

Can I borrow you for a second, Rebecca?

- Come on.
- [Rebecca sighs]

My God, it smells of feet in here.

I mean, it just... it just hits you
immediately, doesn't it?

It's hot. Like feet funk,
right up your nose. Can you smell it?

You're being a right floppy cock, Rebecca.

Why haven't you told Ted yet?

Oh, I'm going to.

When?

[sighs]
Imagine doing something unforgivable

to someone who doesn't deserve it

and then having to look them in the eye
and tell them what you've done.

I don't have to imagine. I've done it.

Year Eight, I took a sh*t
in Joanna Wellington's locker.

I apologized,

I was uninvited to her birthday party,
and then we patched it up a week later.

Just f*cking tell him.

Sorry, why did you do a sh*t
in her locker?

I don't know. I was 13.

What? Teenage girls are, like,
mysterious and dark and dangerous.

- All right.
- That is not the point!

- Okay.
- Oh, God.

Sorry. Um, wow.

I know women like shoes, but, girls,
come on, this is silly. [chuckles]

Sorry, that was really sexist.

Um, I just wasn't expecting there
to be anyone in here.

Um, but you are in here, and that's great.

Take as long as you need.
Yeah. I'll go. Sorry.

I mean, what would be the point
of telling Ted now?

It doesn't change anything.

It would change how I feel about you.

[door opens, closes]

You know, David, we got one final game
this season against Man City,

and our goal is to go out
like Willie Nelson, on a high.

- Yeah?
- [reporters chuckle]

Oh, how about Trent Crimm?

And if memory serves,
you're from the Daily Planet, yeah?

Trent Crimm, The Independent.

Ah, yes. That's the one. Okay.
What's your question, Trent?

Many of your young players
have improved during your tenure.

Then there's Roy Kent.

He played dismally last match. Thoughts?

Well, I think you could ask Roy himself.
He'd tell you it wasn't his best day.

But I'll let you know right now

that Roy Kent is the backbone
of this team.

All right,
let's mix it up in here a little.

If you're an introvert,
I want y'all to raise your hand.

You guys get the next few questions.

Ah! That was a trick!

If y'all were really introverts,
you would've been quiet as a church mouse.

Unless that church was Westboro Baptist.
Those turkeys won't shut up.

Hi, guys. What's up?

Please have a seat.

Okay.

I feel like y'all are about to do
some improv comedy

or tell me that you're dating each other.

Either one's cool with me.
'Cause your suggestion is ally.

We have to take Roy
out of the starting lineup.

I see. Okay.

It wasn't just one bad game, Coach.

[Nathan] He's showing his age,

and he's made significant mistakes
in each of the last five matches.

We just haven't been
bitten in the ass by them yet.

But yesterday our butts had teeth marks.

Deep ones.
The kind you usually have to pay for.

Hmm.

[phone vibrates]

[clicks tongue]

[grunts]

Guys... I'm not benching Roy.

He's our captain.

But I want you to know
that I value each of your opinions.

Even when they're wrong.

I was really hoping
it was going to be improv.

I'm Audi 5000.

- You paid someone to bite you?
- No, of course not.

Oh, sorry. I...

Been paid.

[stammers] Where?

[rhythmic knocking]

Hey. What's up?

I have something I need to tell you.

I'm all ears. [chuckles]

[grunts, imitates thud]

Right, I'm not gonna b*at around the bush.

I'm just gonna...
get straight to the point.

No faffing around,
'cause that's just annoying,

and definitely no procrastinating.

Procrast... Procrast...
That's a good word, isn't it?

Procrastinating. Pro... Procrastinating.

Huh. I wonder what the etymology
of that word is.

Obviously, "pro," very good,
but "crast"? Crast...

I have no idea.
Hey! Why don't we look it up?

- Have you got a dictionary?
- Not on me. Are you doing okay?

- Me?
- Yeah.

I'm brilliant!

Yeah, I am top of the pops.

[scats, taps desk]

Ted, do you think you could do this later?

Yeah, sure. No problem.
I'll just hit the rewind button.

[imitating tape rewinding]

[chuckles]

[rhythmic knocking]

Oh, God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Just do it. Just do it. I'm a big girl.

I can f*cking just...
Just tidy up your mess.

Tidy up your mess. Right. Oh, God.

[singsong] Surprise.

- Rupert.
- You seem anxious.

Where's, uh, where's Higgins?

Uh, I fired him.

Why? Higgins is first class.

Except the only negative about the man

was that whenever
he borrowed a pen from me,

he would nibble the top
like some anxious little puppy.

Good boy.

Yeah, well, he's gone.

Shame. Oh, well.
Maybe he'll accept my offer now.

Look, Rupert, are you here
to try and buy back the club or...

No, I wanted to tell you something
before you heard it somewhere else.

Bex and I are having a baby.

[singsong] Surprise, again.

- But you always said that...
- I thought we could be mature about this.

[chuckles]

Oh, you're mature enough, all right.

You're nearly 70,
and you're having a baby?

I mean, what are you,
a character from the f*cking Bible?

When your kid hits puberty,

you'll be nothing but a pile of dust
and a black Amex card.

Now, now, darling.

Don't call me that.

People change. I do want a child.

I just suppose I...
I didn't want one with...

Before.

I mean, in the end, it's just about
being with the right person, isn't it?

Of course.

Oh, I'm so glad
I got to tell you this in person.

I would have hated
for you to read it in the press.

Good luck against Man City.

[piano music playing]

[man singing]

[players chattering]

- [song continues]
- [chattering stops]

[chattering resumes]

[sighs]

I have something I need to tell you.

Mm. Déjà vu. [chuckles]

I'm a f*cking bitch.

Nope, that's new.

Ted, I lied to you.

I hired you
because I wanted this team to lose.

I wanted you to fail,

and I sabotaged you every chance I've had.

It was me who hired that photographer
to take the photo of you and Keeley.

I set up the interview with Trent Crimm,
hoping that he would humiliate you.

And I instigated the transfer
of Jamie Tartt,

even though you'd asked me not to.

This club is all that Rupert has ever
cared about, and I wanted to destroy it.

To cause him as much pain and suffering
as he has caused me.

And I didn't care
who I used or who I hurt.

All you good people
just trying to make a difference.

[crying] Ted, I'm so sorry.

Mm.

If you want to quit or call the press,
I'll completely understand.

I forgive you.

You... What? Why?

Divorce is hard.

It doesn't matter
if you're the one leaving

or if... you're the one who got left.

It makes folks do crazy things.

Hell, I'm coaching soccer
for heaven's sake. In London.

[chuckles] I mean, that's nuts.

- [sighs]
- [Rebecca exhales]

Yeah.

But this job you gave me
has changed my life.

It gave me the distance I needed
to see what was really going on.

Yeah, but you and me...

We're okay.

Ted.

Come on, just shake this hand.
My arm's starting to get...

[Ted chuckles]

You know, I think that
if you care about someone

and you got a little love in your heart,

there ain't nothing
you can't get through together.

You know what I'm saying?

You're not just talking about us now,
are you?

Maybe. Maybe not.

Okay.

I'm gonna go change
for practice... uh, training.

Whatever. Who cares?

Nice seeing you down here, boss.

You liven up the place.

All right, let's get it going, huh?
[blows whistle]

Let's go. Gather up. Come on, now.

All right, fellas, you gotta remember,
your body is like day-old rice.

If it ain't warmed up properly,
something real bad could happen.

Oh, food poisoning is no joke.

One time, I was being sick,

and at the same time,
I was having diarrhea.

Mm. Yep. That'll happen.
Anybody else wanna share?

To be able to do both those things
at the same time?

The body is a miracle.

Yeah. Good perspective. I appreciate that.

So, fellas,
we all know speed is important.

But being able to stop
and change directions quickly?

Well, that's like Kanye's
808s & Heartbreak.

It don't get nearly enough credit.

Okay, so let's line up on these cones
Nate put out. Let's go.

All right, here's the deal.

Last one to start, stop, then start again
is a rotten egg. Let's do it.

- [blows whistle]
- [players shouting]

Hey, Coach, I thought of a joke
this morning in the shower.

What does a British owl say?

Coach, what does a British owl...

I was saying earlier that...

You're acting like I'm chasing you
with a booger or something.

Okay. All right.
I see what's going on here.

This is about Roy, ain't it?

So you gonna give me the cold shoulder
and the silent treatment. That's a combo.

Does it come with a medium drink?

[chuckles]

Fine.

Hey, Nate, what does a British owl say?

Oh, you gonna do that move
where you act like you don't hear me

and then you just walk away, huh?

Yeah.

Oh, it's like that now, huh?

Heck with both of you guys.
I'm just gonna focus up here on practice.

There you go, Dani. Dig in, baby. Come on.

- [Roy] f*ck.
- [Ted] It's all right, Roy.

- [Roy] f*ck!
- [Colin] Keep up, Roy!

- [Ted] You got this, Roy.
- [Roy] f*ck!

That's it. Swear it out, Roy.
Swear it out.

[grunts]

Mm. sh**t.

Okay. Mm.

Okay.

[upright bass playing]

[man] Ooh.

- [upright bass continues]
- Ahh!

Yeah.

Whoa.

[screams, yelps]

[breathes heavily]

[Ted] There you are.

[Ted exhales]

Hey.

There's, um, a lot of other seats.

Well, yeah, this is what my ticket says.

[chuckles]

[sighs] How you doing, Roy?

[Roy] Fine. You?

[Ted] Oh, good, good, yeah.

Oh. I saw this video online

of a, um, a kitten and a little
baby chicken becoming friends

and just hanging out together.

It was... Well, here, let me
show it to you. I got it right here.

What's this about?

[chuckles]

It's funny, 'cause whenever my mom
has something tough to talk about with me,

she'll, um... you know,
she'll start it off saying something

about, I don't know,
something weird, something overtly nice.

And, uh, yeah, I just thought the idea

of a cat and a bird
being all simpatico was nice.

Look, Roy, we've been talking about
the starting lineup against Man City...

Don't you dare.
You're not f*cking benching me.

- Well, no. I'm just talking here, Roy. I...
- Yeah, talking. That's all you do is talk.

Talking all that bullshit
about how you've got my back.

- No. Hey, I do have your back.
- Bullshit!

You pretended to be a man of your word.
You're f*cking full of sh*t.

You can go f*ck yourself. f*ck you!

[sighs]

[plucks bass string]

There are a lot of surprises
happening here.

Like that tiny little beard.

It's called a Van d*ke
after the 17th century Flemish painter.

- Oh. Right.
- And I think it makes me look how I feel.

Chill.

How does Mrs. Higgins feel about it?

She hates it with a white-hot intensity.

[chuckles]

Right. Look...

I came clean to Ted.
I told him everything.

Oh.

How did that go?

You know what the little sh*t did?
He forgave me.

- [Higgins] f*cking assh*le.
- I know.

But that's not actually why I'm here.

I wanted to apologize to you for...

treating you so poorly

and forcing you to be an accomplice
in my moronically childish scheme.

I am truly sorry, Higgins.

[exhales]

Wow. Uh...

Thank... Thank you, Rebecca.

I lost my way for a minute.

Yeah.

But I'm on the road back.

I can tell. You know what, it suits you.

Unlike that beard. Ooh!

Oh.

Sorry. Had to. [chuckles]

[headphones: rock music playing]

I don't think I've ever had a child
in my house before.

- What about Jamie?
- [Keeley chuckles]

Oh, we can't let her
go snooping around though.

I don't want her to find my vibrator.

Yeah, that's gonna be a problem.
Her mum said no electronics.

[laughs]

So, how are you doing?

Fine.

[Keeley] I do kind of think
kids are pretty incredible.

I mean, she's got new teeth
that push out her old teeth.

The body is a miracle.

You know,
the last time I was on the bench...

Oh, you are ready to talk
about real stuff.

That's great.

Um, wait one second.

Come sit here.

Take this.

Okay, we're both ready. Lay it on me.

Roy Kent has been the best player
on every team he's been on

since he was a kid.

I like being Roy Kent.

I don't know if I can handle just being
some loser has-been called Roy.

"All right, Roy?" Yeah.
"What you been up to?" f*ck all.

God. I think men who feel sorry
for themselves are so sexy.

- Stop it.
- No, seriously. I do.

And if you start telling me how hard
it is playing a game for a living,

I think I might come.

It's not just a game to me.

It's all I've ever known.

It's who I am.

It's all I am.

Phoebe? Phoebe?

Can you come here for a second?

You were right. Zeppelin is amazing.

Wait till you hear Cream.

But first, I need you
to close your eyes for me, yeah?

Okay. Can you describe your Uncle Roy?

Everything that you can think of. Go.

Well, he's my uncle.
His beard is scratchy.

He buys me ice cream.

He swears a lot.

He's really funny.

And I love him.

Well done, Phoebe.

See? I didn't hear anything
about being a footballer.

Who gives a sh*t what she has to say?
She's six.

The point is, you don't know
what people think about Roy Kent.

Secondly, all that matters, Roy Kent,
is what you think about Roy.

That your old girl playing chess
with some other bloke?

- Yep.
- That's f*cking brutal.

She's just playing her game.

You stay strong, you hear?

You're a beautiful man.

[Ted] Hey, fellas.

Well, that's a lot of pints just for us.

I thought you might've had
a tough time with Roy.

Coach, you are a natural-born caregiver.
Like Chief from Cuckoo's Nest.

I was always more of a Taber guy.

But if I'm being honest, I actually
never got around to telling Roy.

Now, don't give me those eyes.
He figured it out all on his own.

I can see you're happy now, but don't be.

'Cause I've been thinking about it
and, um...

well, I'm starting Roy
against Man City and that's that.

Look, putting him on the bench
wouldn't just be humiliating to him,

it could actually affect his livelihood.

And you know better than anyone
that all this ain't about winning to me.

'Cause that ain't
how we measure success, right?

Damn it, it is!

- [chattering stops]
- [patrons gasp]

Hey. Who put a firecracker
up your butt and lit it?

You did! And I'm sick of it.

Look, I understood this mission
when we were in Kansas.

But those were kids
and these are professionals

and winning does matter to them.

And it matters to me. And that's okay.

- Ain't that right, Mae?
- A-f*cking-men it is.

How do you not get it?
Losing has repercussions.

We lose, we get relegated.

We get relegated, this is over
and we will have built nothing.

And if you wanna pick a player's feelings
over a coach's duty to make a point...

I don't wanna drink
with someone that selfish.

That was the sexiest f*cking thing
I've ever seen in my life.

Get your things.

She's been toying with you.

Checkmate, mate.

[rock music playing]

[song continues]

[horn honks]

- I'm good.
- You got a nut allergy?

I got a finger allergy.

What else have I got to offer you here?
We got red wine.

We got tea.

Ooh.

Two-day-old pasta water.

Tea's fine.

Look, I'm sorry I told you
to go f*ck yourself.

- Eh, la-di-da.
- I'm usually better at hiding my anger.

You think so, huh?

Mm.

Know thyself.

Rest in peace, Socrates.

Told my niece I might not be playing.

She asked if we could go get ice cream.

Well, hey, at least you had someone
you could talk to, right?

How was the ice cream?

Good. It's f*cking ice cream.

Yeah, right? Ice cream's the best.

It's kinda like seeing Billy Joel
perform live, you know?

It never disappoints.

- Mm-hmm.
- It does give me the toots though.

The ice cream, not Billy Joel.

I asked her if she was still gonna
watch the match if I wasn't playing.

[Ted] Yeah?

Little sh*t said yes. Didn't even blink.
Just straight into my face.

- Well, hey. That's showbiz, ain't it?
- Mm.

I promised myself I was never
gonna watch Fresh Prince again

when they swapped out Aunt Vivs.

But truth be told, as long
as they let Carlton do his thing,

I was always gonna take a minute
and just sit right there.

Sidebar: Alfonso Ribeiro,

the greatest physical comedian
of the 19th, 20th and 21st century.

Case in point right here.

Iconic, yeah?

I never know how to react when a grown man
does the Carlton in front of me.

You could see a silhouette doing this,
you know exactly what it is,

you know exactly who's doing it.
It is the one, the only, Alfonso...

- [woman pounds floor] Knock it off!
- Sorry, Ms. Shipley!

It has been a whole thing this last week.

[sighs] Anyway. You know what we could do?

You've been hurt off and on all season.

Why don't we just say you're injured,
you can't play? No shame in that.

That would help protect my stock
if I wanna move next season.

Maybe to a club
that actually wants to start me.

Come on.

What if, God forbid, I end up
having to play in f*cking America,

where I'd dominate, by the way.

They'd be like,
"Oh, is this football then?"

Well, obviously, my preference
would be to have you there.

At practice tomorrow and the game.

But hey,
you gotta do what's right for you.

Can I think about it?

I'd call you a big dummy, poo-poo face
if you didn't.

[groans]

Be honest with me. It's a prank, right?
The tea.

Like, when us tourist folks aren't around,
y'all know this tastes like garbage.

No. I love it.

You don't love it. It's pigeon sweat.

[exhales]

Mm. Horrible. Horrible.

- [Higgins] Yeah.
- [Rebecca chuckles]

No, get rid of the small one and bring
back the tall one. He's got bigger hands.

Bing-bong! It's biscuits o'clock.
[chuckles]

- Higgins! You're back!
- Yeah!

All right. Well, hey, I know I may be
a little too old-school for some folks,

but I'm gonna say it anyway.
Hell to the yeah.

- Good to see you.
- Nice to see you too.

- Here you go, boss. Those are yours.
- Thank you, Ted.

- [Ted] Mm-hmm.
- Oh, you've got to try one of these.

Oh, no, he does not. Caring is sharing,
but I brought Higgins his own.

- What?
- [Ted chuckles]

How did you know?

Well, I had a hunch
you were gonna be here.

- Yeah. [chuckles]
- Oh, wow.

Actually, those were for Trent Crimm's
daughter. She turns three today.

- But it means more to me if you had 'em.
- What? No. No, no. Come on.

No. It's okay. She won't remember.

Oh, Ted, you've already told her?

Yeah, weeks ago.
She's been looking forward to it.

But she's three. She'll bounce right back.
It'll be fine.

- No way.
- No, no. I insist. I insist.

I'm screwing with you.
I'm just messing around.

I predicted this whole thing,
and I made those myself for you.

Oh. Thank you.

[both babbling]

Okay, y'all. I'll see you in a little bit,
okay? Let's go, Greyhounds.

- Whoo!
- [Rebecca chuckles]

Yeah, these are definitely
for a little girl.

Maybe he thinks you're silly
and playful and mysterious.

Oh, sure.

[chattering]

Okay, fellas! Need y'all to listen up.

Coach.

- Now...
- I know now's not the best time, Coach,

but I have been feeling physically sick
since walking away from you the other day.

Plus last night,
I had a horrible nightmare

that I was pecking you to death
like a crow.

I'm so sorry.

It's okay, Nate.
We're all good in the hood, all right?

- Oh, yeah.
- But hey, but do me a favor.

Try to apologize to me in your dream
so we're good on that side of things too.

- Oh, yeah. Of course.
- Thank you.

Now, fellas, we got ourselves
a heck of a match comin' up, yeah?

[players murmur]

And what I'm gonna need
from all of y'all...

Sorry, mate.

My six-year-old niece
found my girlfriend's vibrator.

So I had to take her
to get her ears pierced

in an attempt to erase the memory.

[players murmuring]

Been there.

Can I say something?

Floor is yours, Captain.

[sighs]

Second team's gonna kick
first team's f*cking asses today.

[chattering, laughing]

All right, fellas! Finish getting ready,
and then we'll do what the man says.

We'll settle this out on the pitch.
Let's go.

[rock music playing]

[chattering]

[music continues]