01x23 - The Moustache

[bunniefuu]

(theme music playing)
(theme music ending)
Hurry up, dear.

The Mertzes will be here any minute.

RICKY: I'll be ready, honey.

I was just shaving so I look real nice when I go out with my wife.

Well, isn't that sweet?
I thought you said you shaved.

I did.

What's the matter with your upper lip?
Is it out of bounds?
You mean my moustache?
Your what?
My moustache.

Ricky, it's true.

Your upper lip has whiskers on it.

What do expect, feathers?
No, I expect you to go in there and shave it off.

You know I don't like a moustache on you.

Why not?
Because it looks like an eyebrow and your mouth keeps staring at me.

Well, I guess it could use a little eyebrow pencil until it gets stronger.

Listen, now, we're going to have this out right now.

You're going in there and shave that off?
No.

Come here.

Oh, darn it.

It's still there.

I thought maybe I could singe it off.

Oh, honey, you'll love my moustache once you get used to it.

I will not.

Well, honey, just wait till it gets a little strunger.

It's never get "strunger.

" You've tried this before, Ricky.

You know you always end up looking like a little boy who drank chocolate milk.

Well, you never let me give it a chance.

This time, I'm going to cultivate it.

What are you going to use on it-- Vigoro?
Never mind that.

I look wonderful in a moustache.

You just look silly in a moustache, Ricky.

I do not.

(doorbell buzzes)
Here are the Mertzes.

Let's see what they think.

All right, we'll see.

Well, we'll just see.

Just don't put any words in their mouth.

Don't worry, I won't have to.

Okay.

Hi, folks.

Hi, Lucy.

Hi, Lucy.

Hi, Ricky.

Hiya.

Hi.

Are you ready to go to the movies?
You are just in time to settle something.

We are?
Yeah?
Yes.

As two impartial observers we'd like your opinion on something.

Yeah.

Well, I'll be happy to g Ricky, you're growing a moustache.

Gee, it looks wonderful.

Well, let me see.

Hey, that looks great.

Now, what did you want our opinion on?
Nothing, Benedict Ethel.

Well, Ricky and I just had a big, fat argument about how ridiculous he looks in that moustache and then you had to come in and louse up everything.

Well, I think he looks handsome.

FRED: I do too.

So do I.

Brother.

Besides, I have a very good reason for growing this moustache.

What is it?
He wants a divorce.

You'll change your tune when you see me as the star of the new Technicolor motion picture Moon over Baghdad.

Ricky!
You didn't tell me you were going to star in a moving picture.

Well, I was keeping it spring it on you as a surprise, you know?
You know when you're leaving for Hollywood?
Well, not exactly.

Have you signed your contract yet?
Well, not exactly.

But they've agreed to star you.

Well, not exactly.

Well, what exactly?
Well, a talent scout from Hollywood is coming to town to look for someone to star in the picture and my agent has a friend whose brother-in-law knows the talent scout's wife.

Well, what are we waiting for?
Let's pack.

LUCY: Star you in a picture.

Well, don't you worry.

I'll get an appointment to see him.

Yeah, you'll get an appointment if the agent's friend's brother-in-law is still speaking to this talent scout's wife.

Gee, a real, live talent scout from Hollywood.

Hey, Rick-- ask him if he can use a song-and-dance man.

And don't forget about me.

I used to do an oriental dance.

La-dee-da-da, da-da-da, da, da-da-da I was known as "The Queen of the Nile.

" Oh!
She's a little rusty around Cairo.

Oh, you!
All right, come on, are we going to go to the movies or not?
I'm not leaving here till you shave off that silly moustache.

Honey baby doll I'm not going to shave it off so why don't you just relax and enjoy it?
I mean it, Ricky.

I'm not leaving here.

ETHEL: Now, Lucy.

No!
All right.

We'll go without her.

Come on.

You two go ahead.

I'll stay here with Lucy.

All right.

Good-bye, Ethel.

Come on, Fred.

Bring me a bag of popcorn Okay.

with lots of butter.

Yeah, yeah.

Got 20 cents, Rick?
Come on.

Darn that Ricky.

I'll get rid of his cookie-duster somehow.

You know, my grandfather used to have a moustache-- a great, big, long handlebar one-- and Grandma got rid of it in the middle of the night.

How?
She tied it around a bedpost when he was asleep and then yelled "fire.

" Oh!
Oh, Ethel!
Hey, that gives me an idea though.

It does?
Yeah.

Ricky's not going to be the only one in this family with a moustache.

What?
I'm going to glue on a false one and I'm not going to take it off till he shaves off his.

Lucy, congratulations.

What for?
You've finally topped yourself.

This is the craziest idea you've had yet.

(laughing)
ETHEL: Lucy!
Where are you?
I'm in here.

Where have you two been?
Ricky will be home any minute.

We had a hard time finding it.

It was down at the bottom of my vaudeville trunk.

Well, give it here.

Let's see now.

I'll have to cut off the beard.

Oh, no, you don't.

You can't cut that, Lucy.

Those things are expensive.

Well, I can't wear the whole thing.

Why not?
Yeah, why not?
Yeah, why not?
Uncle Sam wants you.

Show me how to stick it on, Fred.

All right.

This is spirit gum.

Look, I just put a little on your upper lip here.

Oh, that smells awful.

Lucy, I'm home.

LUCY: Be right there.

Hi, dear.

Hi, honey.

How's about giving me a nice big kiss?
There's nothing I (screams)
What's the matter?
I thought you were going to kiss me.

Lucy, where did you get that thin'?
What "thin"?
Those whiskers.

What whiskers?
These.

Oh, these.

Oh, my five-o'clock shadow?
Guess I didn't give myself a very close shave this morning.

All right, Lucy.

What are you up to?
Nothing, nothing.

I'm just growing this so that I can get a part in that Technicolor movie called Moon Over the North Pole.

I'm going to play Santa Claus.

Okay, okay, joke's over.

Now, take that ridiculous thing off your face.

It makes you look like a freak.

Oh, you think it looks funny, huh?
I certainly do.

Well, now you know how your moustache looks to me.

Oh, so that's it, huh?
Well, your little gag didn't work.

So just take it off.

Nothing doing.

I'm not taking it off till you shave off yours.

Well, I'm not shaving.

Neither am I.

Of course, we'll have to change our name to the Smith Brothers.

And we could always get moustache cups marked his and hers.

Now, Lucy, you listen to me.

Now, I'm not going to stand here and I can't stand it.

You win.

Take it off and I'll shave.

Good!
Shave right now.

I got it all set up for you.

There you are.

All right, all right.

You've got more eyebrow pencil on there than you have whiskers.

Never mind the cracks.

Get it off, now.

You missed one right there.

What do you call this one-- Charlie?
There!
Now you look like your old self again.

Welcome back, little lip.

Give me a great big kiss.

I'm not going to kiss you with that thing on.

Oh, I forgot.

Gee, this must have been put on with pretty strong stuff.

Here, let me try, honey.

Ow!
Gosh.

Boy, that's really stuck.

Are you sure you didn't grow this?
I better call Fred and find out how to get this off.

FRED: Hello?
Fred, this is Lucy.

Oh, hi, did the joke come off all right?
Yeah, the joke did, but the beard didn't.

Well, what do you mean?
Well, I've tugged and I've pulled and I can't get it off.

Well, that's funny.

It should come off easy.

I just used a little spirit gum.

Ricky, get me that bottle off the dresser, will you, dear?
All right, Hon.

Fred, y-you shouldn't have used such old stuff.

Maybe it changes with age.

How long have you had it?
Well, now, let's see, the last date I played was a split week in Peoria in 1925.

'25?
!
But spirit gum shouldn't change.

Oh.

Here, honey, I've got the bottle.

Thanks, dear.

I have the bottle right here, Fred.

It says "bull dog cement"!
Cement?
Yeah.

"Bull dog cement will not let go, holds fast forever.

"Can only be removed with bull dog cement remover number three.

" Oh, no.

Oh, yes!
Oh, shut up.

You certainly have a warped sense of humor.

I'm sorry, honey, I'll ca I'll call the I'll call the drug store and see if they got some of that stuff.

They won't have it in a drug store.

They have everything in a drug store.

(continues laughing)
Hello.

Listen, have you ever heard of some stuff called bull dog cement remover number three?
You have?
Oh, I see.

Well, thanks.

They don't make it anymore.

You mean you mean I'll have to keep this on forever?
Well, honey, I guess it'll wear off eventually.

Well, what happens in the meantime?
Well, honey I really should let you suffer but I don't have the heart to do it.

There's one simple solution and I'll do it for you.

What?
I'll get you job as the bearded lady in the circus.

Oh.

Lucy?
Lucy?
Where are you?
Lucy, I wanted to ask Oh, I beg your pardon.

I was looking for Good afternoon, ma'am.

Lucy?
Colonel Ricardo, at your beck and call, you all.

Lucy, what are you doing in those clothes?
Well, it's the only way I can get down to that little old drugstore without people laughing at little old me.

I thought maybe that little old druggist could do something for this little old face.

Well, how did you all do, Colonel?
Bad, powerful bad.

Oh, you poor little old thing.

Didn't he have any ideas?
Yeah, he said dye the beard red and the head would match all over.

Oh, what'll I do?
(laughing)
What's the matter?
When you chew with that beard on you look just like a billy goat.

Nobody but a nanny goat would notice it.

Well!
I've got it.

What?
Nah, you wouldn't go for it.

What is it?
Well Nah, you wouldn't like it.

Well, give me a chance.

What is it?
Well, we'll tie a string to your beard.

Yeah.

Then we'll tie the other end of the string to a flat iron.

Yeah?
Then I'll throw No!
Don't throw it.

Oh!
I knew you wouldn't like it.

Look out!
Scared me to death.

I think this is safer for little old me.

Lucy What?
You just gave me an idea.

What is it?
Well we'll set fire to your beard but I'll stand by with a hose to see that it doesn't get out of hand.

Ethel, this is my face.

You're not burning weeds off a vacant lot.

(knock on door)
Who is it?
ETHEL: It's Fred.

LUCY: What do you want?
If I bring good news, can I come in?
All right.

What is it?
I must have made a thousand phone calls before I located a drugstore that sells bull dog cement remover number three.

Oh, Fred, you doll.

Where is it?
It's in Chicago.

Chicago?
Yeah, but he's sending it Air Mail so it ought to be here tomorrow.

Oh Now, Lucy, that's not bad.

No.

(phone rings)
Oh Chicago.

Hello.

Hello, is Monty Woolley there?
Did you call me up just to make gags?
No, this is important.

You know that talent scout I was talking to you about?
Yeah?
Well, I talked to him today and I talked him into coming to the house to spend an evening with us.

Oh, Ricky, that's wonderful.

Right in our own home.

When is he coming?
Tonight.

Oh, that oh, no, not tonight, Ricky.

Please, not tonight.

Well, honey, he's flying back to Hollywood tomorrow.

If I don't get him up to the house tonight I'll never get a chance to see him alone.

But, Ricky, what about me?
It's my one chance to get into the movies, too.

My beard, remember?
My beard!
Well, I'm sorry, honey, there's nothing I can do about it.

Oh.

We'll be home about 7:30.

Good-bye.

Good-bye.

Oh, Ricky's bringing that Hollywood talent scout to the house tonight.

He is?
No kidding?
Uh Lucy, would you mind if we dropped in?
No, of course not.

Well, we got to go.

Yeah, see you later!
Here we are, Mr.

Murdoch.

Ah.

Let me take your coat.

Oh, thank you.

Make yourself at home, will you?
Fine.

Well, nice place you have here, Ricardo.

Thank you.

Sit down.

Thanks.

Boy, I'll be glad when that picture, Moon over Baghdad is finished with the casting.

Ah have a cigarette, won't you?
Oh, thank you.

You know, it's nice to spend an evening someplace else besides a hotel room or a theater.

Yes, well, that's what I thought.

That's why I asked you to come over here and get a night off from show business.

Ah, that's sounds good.

Oh!
I wonder how that got here.

What's that?
That's my old scrapbook.

My wife must have been doing some housecleaning.

I haven't seen this for years.

Well, let's see it.

Oh, no, no.

This is your night off.

I wouldn't want to bother you with this.

All right.

This is the first part that I had in New York-- Broadway play, Too Many Girls.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

And, uh, over here's when I was at the Copacabana.

Oh, it's very interesting.

Now, this (singing oriental-style song)
(makes hissing noise)
All right, all right, all right.

That's enough.

Mr.

Murdoch this is our landlord and our landlady.

Ethel Mertz, former star of musical comedy.

Can sing, dance, act and do voices; have wardrobe, will travel.

Freddy Mertz, formerly of Mertz and Kurtz-- Famous vaudevillians: Soft shoe, tap dancing and smart quips.

Uh-uh.

Uh-uh?
Uh-uh?
Uh-uh.

Uh-uh?
Uh-uh.

I'm terribly sorry, Mr.

Murdoch.

I must apologize for my friends.

Oh, that's all right.

Just please sit down and relax and enjoy yourself.

I'll put on a little music here for you.

Fine, fine.

(music plays softly)
Not so far from here There's a very lively atmosphere Everybody's going there this year And there's a reason the season never closes there Love and music you'll find everywhere People always having fun down there So come along I'm on my way to Cuba That's where I'm going Cuba, that's where I'll stay Cuba, where wine is flowing And where dark-eyed Stellas Light their fellas' panatelas Cuba, where it's all happy Cuba, where all is gay Why don't you plan a wonderful trip to Havana?
Hop on a ship and I'll see you in C-U-B-A Why don't you plan a wonderful trip to Havana?
Hop on a ship and I'll see you in C-U-B-A.

It's, um very nice.

Uh, Mr.

Murdoch, you know we have a lot of other numbers.

No, I I But I could convert some of them into the Arabian mood, you know.

A little Arabian (Arabian music plays)
What is this, a stranded Major Bowes unit?
Mr.

Murdoch, I want you to meet my wife, Lucy.

Lucy, this is Mr.

Murdoch.

How do you do?
Well, I'll say one thing for you, Mrs.

Ricardo.

You certainly dance very well.

Oh, thank you.

You know, we could use some dancing girls in our new picture.

Maybe we could use you.

Oh, really?
Yeah, I imagine so.

Let me see your face.

Oh.

Oh, no, no, no.

It's, uh, it's just a nose, a mouth, a chin.

You know, a complete set.

Oh, come on, Mrs.

Ricardo.

Take off your veil.

Well Oh, yeah, come on, Lucy.

Take it off.

You keep out of this.

Come on, Lucy.

Ricky, stay away from me.

Show him your face.

Ricky This is your big chance.

You know, now I'm getting curious.

I've got to see that face.

Yeah.

All right, all right.

All right.

It's time for the unveiling.

Well, here's my nose.

My mouth is just below it and it has teeth and it goes sideways.

All the way.

Ricky!
RICKY: Hey, honey, look what just got here.

What?
Special delivery letter from Hollywood.

What does it say?
What does it say?
Well, wait a minute, wait a minute.

Well, what do you know?
They want to test me for the lead.

Oh, Ricky, how wonderful!
Hey, wait a minute.

They want to test you too.

Where?
Where?
Where?
"We think Mrs.

Ricardo might be perfect for" I don't care what they pay me.

I'm not going to play the part of your father.

(theme music playing)
The part of Mr.

Murdoch was played by John Brown.