Louise has got cancer
and I'm helping her out.
I am not here to help you
get your own back on God.
It's Sandra you're
trying to rescue, Maurice.
PAUL: The change with Joe is taking
its toll on you and on me.
We need to do something about that.
NICOLA: How's Manchester? How's Eddie?
Weirdest thing.
This new girlfriend of his
is just like you.
So you've met her?
I've got to take Sophie and the lad
to that gig.
What happens next?
What happens is
we enjoy ourselves.
Is this where we kiss?
No.
Just for a moment, I felt more at home
with Sophie than I did with you.
So why are you telling me
when nothing happened?
Because something felt wrong.
JOE: ♪ Break a mirror
♪ Roll the dice
♪ Run with scissors
♪ Through a chip pan fire fight
♪ Go into business with a grizzly bear
♪ But just don't sit down
'cause I've moved your chair ♪
[MOBILE RINGING]
Hello?
What?
Oh, right. Oh, I'll come.
I'm coming now.
[FOOTSTEPS]
[KNOCKING]
[LOUISE VOMITING]
Louise, it's Maurice.
Are you okay in there?
Thank you for coming. I panicked.
That's all right, you're allowed.
[VOMITING]
I know I'm no oil painting,
but that's a bit rough.
[LOUISE LAUGHING]
[LOUISE RETCHING]
I'll drop off some ginger
and peppermint tea bags.
Might help with this if
you're off the steroids.
Thanks.
Is Ralph there?
He was just in the hall.
-Do you want me to go and get him?
-No, no.
I don't want him seeing me like this.
Do you mind if I borrow him for the day?
I've er... I've got a beer tent
that needs an extra pair of hands.
That would be great, yes.
Thank you, Maurice.
I need your help, mate.
I'm not a baby.
Nobody's saying you are.
Look, I've got a busy day.
I've got a busy day!
MAURICE: I need a hand!
I've overcommitted, as usual.
Just give me the morning, eh?
There's a fry up in it.
-[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING FROM DOCK]
-[VOLUME INCREASING AND DECREASING]
[MUSIC VOLUME INCREASING]
[MUSIC CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY]
-Are you going somewhere?
-No.
You two are. I've packed for you.
Eddie's lending you his flat.
All you've got to do is get in the car.
It's a lovely idea, but Paul's got
the Fell Race at the gastropub today
and I've got a 25-page assessment form
to fill in for Joe's school.
We've got the gastropub covered and
I'm sure I can manage to fill in a form.
I know Joe off by heart
and Nicola loves filling in questions.
-Nicola?
-We're going to look after Joe together.
You've got no excuses left.
-Now go!
-That's really nice of you, love, but...
But nothing.
Are you seriously telling me
there isn't a problem?
I've noticed it so you can bet
Joe's noticed it.
You never see each other any more,
so now's your chance.
It's only Eddie's flat
but it's all I could think of.
Go on.
Relationship advice from a 19-year-old
with a three-week broken engagement
to her name.
It'd be good for my shattered
self-esteem if you said yes.
[SIGHS]
[MUSIC VOLUME INCREASES]
[MUSIC CONTINUES]
So is this a private conga
or can anyone join in?
Eddie, thank you for offering us
your flat this weekend.
It's very sweet of you.
As long as you strip the bed and
don't go into my special bedside drawer.
No, we're not going.
You need your flat for you and Emily.
No, Emily's meeting Holly
for the first time this weekend,
so we'll be staying at hers.
Mmm. Sleepover at your girlfriend's.
Are you sure you're ready
to take it to the next level?
What if that doesn't work out?
You'll need a bolt-hole.
Oh, your faith in my is very touching.
Have you done your seduction playlist
on your iPod yet?
-No comment.
-Does she have a compatible hub?
Hilarious!
Now get out of here, you crazy kids.
-[BOTH LAUGHING]
-[GASPS] Emily!
-Look at you!
-[EMILY COOING]
Oh, ah, look at that!
-[LAUGHING]
-Come on.
Are you in on this, too?
All Rebecca's idea.
She wants you to go.
Is she planning a party?
Is that what this is about?
No, she's worried about you.
Should she be?
-[ENGINE TURNS OVER]
-[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON CAR STEREO]
Beep, beep!
-Beep, beep!
-NICOLA: All right, Joe.
Today is going to be different
but it's all on here.
We'll have some breakfast
and then go to the playground
then we'll go to the Fell Race
and watch Granddad run.
Then we'll choose a film
and have fish and chips.
We'll watch it together, round yours.
How does that sound?
Lust for Life.
Iggy Pop, 1977.
Baby Emily won't have fish and chips.
Sorry about that, Joe,
I'm whisking her away,
but she'll see you soon.
Emily is going to meet
Eddie's Manchester girlfriend.
She's got a name. She's called Holly.
Who, your Manchester Girlfriend?
I'll do motor skills
if you do emotional development.
I'd go the other way around
if I were you.
Is this another of your
public speaking engagements?
No, it's a questionnaire
for Joe's new school.
I thought you were in a hurry
to get away?
Ask me one before I go.
It's a psychological profile,
not a pop quiz.
Erm, does your child have
difficulty making friends?
No, not really, he's just choosy.
Would you say your child is clumsy?
-Yes.
-Yes, for me, too.
Does your child have problems
with manual dexterity?
That's a yes for Eddie.
Let me see.
There's loads there
he might not have done.
So what, he just scores a "no"?
That's like saying,
"Am I good at pole vaulting?"
well, how would I ever know?
Never had to find out.
-If I was gonna make a guess, though...
-Bed-wetting?
Usually straight after pole vaulting.
Aren't you going to be late?
Come on.
"Skills." This is more like it.
Ball catching, running, cycling,
swimming, stair climbing.
Get ticks on half these boxes
before lunchtime.
It's not bucket list, Eddie. That's not
how it works. It's a snapshot.
Yeah, a snapshot of all the things
he can't do.
[EMILY SQUEALS HAPPILY]
So let's change some of this.
Joe,
would you like to ride your bike
without stabilisers?
Joe,
would you like to ride a bike properly
without stabilisers, eh?
Would you like to ride a bike?
I'm taking that as a yes.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON CAR RADIO]
-[MUSIC STOPS]
-[INHALES SHARPLY]
I don't need a wee, do I?
Do you want to turn back?
Because we can if you think
this is a bad idea.
Do you want to turn back?
Don't do that.
Eddie's flat is hardly a break for you,
is it?
Look, we promised each other
that we would be all right
when Joe changed schools.
And now we're avoiding each other
when we're together
and not talking when we're not.
So we can either carry on like that
or we can do something about it.
Do you want to do something about it?
Yes or no.
Let me see now...
Taking the piss isn't an option.
-[ENGINE TURNS OVER]
-[ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING]
[MOBILE CHIMES]
Is that your mum? Is she feeling better?
It's not my mum.
Thing is, she's all over the place.
It's not her talking,
it's the dr*gs half the time.
-I know.
-She doesn't know her own mind
so how are we supposed to?
I know.
Well, with all due respect, you don't...
I've been through it.
I'm not a child, I understand.
You can't, Ralph. I don't understand her
so God knows how you do.
[STAMMERS] Ralph, I'm sorry.
That came out wrong.
I didn't...
Ralph!
Are you sure this is the right way
to go about it?
You must never surprise a child
by presenting them with their bike
suddenly with no stabilisers.
You let him see you remove them
he can process the change.
-[TOOL CLANGS]
-Okay, Joe, let's make history.
Well, that's well and truly processed.
[STABILISER WHEEL SPINNING]
EMILY: See?
Joe, let go of my head and pedal.
Let go of my head and pedal.
Let go and... And pedal!
Off you go.
Your fault that time.
Ambiguous phrase use, "Off you go."
There's a bike helmet in the car.
Rebecca, I feel a positive
role model is needed.
Talking of, "Off you go"...
I'll give it to lunch time.
This'll do the trick.
EDDIE: You keep pedalling
and you keep pedalling
and the bike will take care of you.
You see?
Do you want to go, eh?
[REBECCA LAUGHING]
Is this him still processing or telling
us he doesn't want to ride the bike?
EDDIE: What else is on the list?
NICOLA: Erm, swimming.
Throwing balls, hopping...
Hopping? Where's that going
to get him in life?
Unless the Beatrix Potter
museum are hiring.
I'll have him doing wheelies
by tea time.
[BREATHES DEEPLY]
What do we do now?
Anything we like.
But what do we do now?
-We could go out.
-True.
True, we could.
I'll give Eddie a call and let him know
that we've arrived.
Eddie! Arrived.
How's things your end?
Er, bike pump? Should be in the shed.
Great.
Found your p*rn stash. Lovely.
Home-made stuff's particularly strong.
Yeah, okay.
Bye.
So what was that about?
Eddie's going to try to teach Joe
to ride his bike without stabilisers.
-I'd like to see that.
-PAUL: Yeah, me too.
Last time I took his stabilisers off
he sat on the floor and he barked like
a dog until I put them back on again.
Should we warn Eddie of that or is it
more fun for him to find out himself?
We're talking about Joe already.
How long's that taken us?
Are we banned from talking about Joe?
Five minutes.
If you've set that for sex,
I'm going to have to unpack my inhaler.
We're going to sit down here and talk
but not about the kids and not about
work, just for five minutes.
-All right.
-Okay?
[TIMER BEEPS]
I wonder if he's taken
the stabilisers off yet.
-It's 15 seconds.
-Well, it's nearer 20.
-Maybe five minutes is over ambitious.
-Oh, come on, it's...
It's the timer...
Come on, we can do this.
We're Paul and Alison.
The Golden Couple.
Nobody's ever called us
the Golden Couple.
We can go out for a coffee first.
Yeah, let's do that.
[TIMER BEEPS]
[SIGHS]
[SIGHS]
Earlier on, when I said you couldn't
understand what I couldn't understand,
I didn't mean...
It's because you're her son.
-Not because you're, like...
-Downs?
Yeah, right.
The thing is about being a mum or dad,
[STAMMERING]
you always think of your kids as kids.
Bloody hell,
am I talking to myself or what?
-Have you got a hot date or something?
-Yeah.
Oh, right.
What, today?
Is she coming to the Fell Race?
-Yeah.
-So I'll meet her, will I?
Don't worry, son, I won't embarrass you.
No, you won't.
[SPOKES CLICKING]
Anyone special?
No, I just haven't heard anything
from Mum and Dad.
That's good, isn't it?
[BICYCLE SPOKES CLICKING]
How about that?
Semaphore signals.
No.
It's not a question when someone says,
"How about that?".
It's not a real question.
Wreckless Eric, 1977
[CARD CLICKING IN SPOKES]
EDDIE: That's it, Joe. Hold on.
Eddie doesn't want to leave.
He's surprisingly determined
when he puts his mind to it.
I don't think the bike
is the reason that he's staying.
Rebecca. [SCOFFS]
You're heartbroken yourself,
so I think you're projecting your own
desire for reconciliation on to us.
This is not about James.
But if he came back and looked at me
like Eddie looks at you I'd be happy.
-Do you still want James back?
-No.
Because I'd know that he wanted me back
and he was suffering.
-That's my girl.
-EDDIE: Come on, Joe. You can do it!
That's it. A bit faster.
A bit faster. I'm still holding on.
I'm still holding. That's it.
That's it! You're doing it!
-You're doing it!
-No, no, no.
Really no. Really no!
Okay, okay. Okay, I'm sorry.
Okay, sorry.
Joe, I'm sorry.
I think the problem is whenever you
let go of the seat he stops his bike.
I think you're right.
You need to keep pretending that
you're holding on to the seat
when, in fact, you are not.
I can see that now, thank you.
The basic problem is...
The basic problem, Ramesh, is this.
This questionnaire.
The measuring,
the assessing, the endless,
tedious comparing.
What he can't do, especially what
he can't do, measured against who?
Against us. Against normal people.
I mean, look at us.
Are any of us normal?
-Eddie...
-Is this normal?
God...
It is mathematically impossible
to fold paper more than seven times.
Did he sleep through?
I don't think he slept through.
Oh, thanks, Ramesh.
I think it's time we got going anyway.
I promised Joe an ice cream
at the Fell Race.
Have you noticed how her nipples
seem to follow you around the room?
No, it must be a boy thing.
So was it Eddie's flat that made you
want to come here
or your interest in the history of art?
It's nice though, isn't it?
Just doing nothing together.
Yeah. Yeah, it is.
That daughter of ours might have
had a point.
But you can't tell me that there isn't
an elephant in the room.
You never mentioned the Sophie thing
again so I thought...
-You didn't walk to talk about it.
-No, I didn't. At first.
But you felt something and...
Clearly it was enough
to make you tell me.
I loved the gig.
Yeah, you said.
I loved it for Joe in a daft way.
I pictured him being there.
You know, in ten year's time, and...
It just felt
like it was okay for once,
him growing up.
Good.
So...
So when I dropped them off it just...
It felt familiar, it felt easy.
And you thought Sophie might feel
familiar and easy too.
It was a moment.
It was only a moment for me,
to be honest.
Sophie didn't encourage me.
She didn't...
She didn't react. She just...
I don't know, she looked surprised.
Yeah, I get that. I just...
I just want to know
what was going on in your head.
Well, when you find out,
will you tell me?
Did she look like she needed rescuing,
was that it?
Was that what?
Well, I looked like I needed rescuing
when we first got together.
Single mum, working in a bakery,
living with her parents,
most men would have run a mile,
but not you.
Well, most men hadn't tasted
your novelty scones.
I concede that Sophie might look like
a woman who needs rescuing, and I...
I can see how that would work for you.
Except she's not you.
I can see that you would get
that confused by me being away
and you being there.
I... I get that.
-Except she's not you.
-I can't say I'm happy about it, but
I get it.
I just need... [SIGHS]
I just need to know if you get it.
I do.
I do.
I'm sorry.
ANNOUNCER: Not long now
until the sixth annual high top
Fell Race gets underway.
This, er, girlfriend of yours,
how serious is it?
It's our first date.
The thing is, you might think
having a woman in your life
is the be all and end all.
But it isn't, you know?
You spend half your time
wondering what they're thinking
and the other half wondering
what the meant when they told you
-what they're thinking.
-Right.
One minute they want you in their life,
the next
they're telling you to back off.
See, you never know when you're
in the right or in the wrong.
-Yeah.
-But the main thing is
they know you better than you know
yourself. The sooner you work
that out, the better.
-Hello, Ralph.
-Hello.
ANNOUNCER: Tension rising now
as we get near to race time.
ANNOUNCER: I want to hear a big cheer
when these men and women get going.
First five minutes, goes on on his own.
EDDIE: This cover your losses?
No skin off my nose.
-It's just he likes to...
-Yeah. I know what he likes to do.
I remember him from last year.
How are you, Ralph? You all right?
Maurice is being strange.
Well, he does get very fired up
for this kind of thing.
That's not the reason.
No?
ANNOUNCER: This year we are proud
to announce
that we are fully kitted out
with a brand new defibrillator.
[ALL CHEERING]
Comes as welcome news to some
more than others, eh, Maurice?
I'm only kidding you, fella.
On the sound of the claxon
the race will begin.
Good luck, everyone. Rather you than me.
[CROWD LAUGHS]
[CROWD CHEERING]
Do you come here a lot? Because these
pigeons seem to know you by name.
I come to lectures a the university
when Joe's at school.
[EXHALES SHARPLY]
You gatecrash lectures?
-Since when?
-Started when I dropped in on Eddie.
And just kind of got hooked.
Something new.
Something I missed out on.
That sound mad?
What do you go and listen to?
Psychology, politics,
oh, embroidery.
Well, it's a good job
they do girly subjects.
[LAUGHS]
You just go and listen in the back.
Joe's settled at his new school
and Rebecca will go to uni and...
You've got the gastropub.
And we sold my diner so you could
expand and I'm completely over that.
-Clearly.
-Erm, but, so...
For me, what next?
I have to do something.
I can't... I can't not do anything.
Isn't it fair to just ask
what I might do now?
Is that fair or does that scare you like
everything else seems to these days?
Are you asking this question
as a strong independent woman
with something to offer the world
or are you asking this question
as my lovely little obedient wifey?
You should go.
You should... You should go
to university. You'd be great.
You should do what you want.
[CAR HORN HONKS]
-We're in Eddie's kitchen!
-Yes.
[MOANS]
Only maybe don't call it
Eddie's kitchen again,
it's a bit of a passion k*ller,
you know?
[MOANS]
-What?
-No, no, no. It's all right, it's fine.
-What...
-I found my copy... It's my copy
the wedding present,
The Complete Peel Sessions.
Er, no. It's all right. I got...
[CLEARS HIS THROAT]
-We can take our time, you know.
-Yeah, I know, I know.
Okay, you might want to try and sound
just a tiny bit less defensive.
-Sorry, I just...
-Come on.
It just feels like we're trying
a bit too hard.
Yeah, just come on. Let's just be
spontaneous, you can do it.
So it's actually not that
spontaneous for me.
Yeah, yeah, okay, you made your point,
I'm getting the spontaneous thing.
All right, all right, I'm joking.
Well, forgive me for feeling
just a tiny bit rejected
by the fact that a little awkwardness
is enough to stop us making love.
It's like the timer thing, you know?
If it comes down to it,
you're not exactly relaxed.
We've just been talking about you being
attracted to someone else.
-And you said you got it.
-I got it.
It still hurt like hell.
"I felt more at home with her
than I do with you."
"For a moment", I said, "For a moment".
Even for a moment, don't you think
that stings just a little bit
Okay.
-I see...
-Do you? Oh, good, okay.
Well, let's not go to Relate then
because Paul sees.
So this is the argument
we're having, is it?
Not the one where I
explained everything,
and you said that you got it,
we're having the real row now, are we?
Well, Eddie was right.
I shouldn't have said anything.
Eddie?
[SIGHS]
When did you talk to Eddie about it?
I did the right thing, Alison.
I told you the truth.
Okay, so I have to be okay?
What is this?
Emotional plea bargaining?
Yup, you found me out.
And as for your actual feelings,
I'm just going to have to guess, am I?
Well don't guess too hard, eh,
because you might just get them right
and then we really would be in the sh*t.
[PANTING]
Have we calmed down now?
I was merely expressing my frustrations.
We were all aware of your frustrations,
-especially the other children.
-All right, all right. It's just...
It's all reductive, that's all I meant.
If you put all these ingredients in
a cake and baked it,
Joe wouldn't come out, would he?
-You know how I feel about metaphor.
-Yeah.
It's just a big list of his failures.
How would you feel if that was Emily?
As a man who suffers failures
of his own you feel that keenly.
I see that.
I was pretty sure I could
nail it today.
A day you could have been spending
with your Manchester girlfriend.
Well, yes.
But you're clearly enjoying yourself
too much here.
It was fun. It is fun.
Worth missing out
on a night of passion.
[CHUCKLES] I would have been sharing
a bedroom with Emily,
just so you know.
It's none of my business,
just so you know.
Right.
Who we see, who we don't see, who
we sleep with, who we don't sleep with,
I know that.
-I mean...
-I said I know that, all right?
[ANNOUNCER TALKING INDISTINCTLY ON TV]
[PANTING]
Have you guys seen Granddad
come through yet?
No, I haven't.
That bloke from Kendal he always beats
came through ages ago.
Why would I need to know anything about
who you are or aren't sleeping with?
I wasn't offering that information.
But, for the record, I haven't
slept with anyone since you left.
Good, but I don't care.
I'm glad we sorted that out.
[SIGHS] Come on, Joe. Let's see
if we can cheer granddad on.
ANNOUNCER: ...side-by-side.
They're crossing the line together.
Very sporting, lads. Very sporting.
Dad?
Dad?
Dad, are you okay?
I just fancied taking in the view
and in the end, really, you know,
what's the point?
What about your big finish?
Are you talking about death?
I was talking about a sprint past
the skinny guy from Kendal in the last
100 metres, but...
MAURICE:
Shouldn't you be in Manchester by now?
Had to stay.
You didn't though, did you?
You wanted to.
Are you sure you're okay?
It's just you're usually so competitive.
You're sitting out of Fell Race
and I'm hurling push bikes around.
Is this it?
You're turning into me
and I'm turning into you?
I'm sorry to tell you this, son,
but you're the sane one here.
Run, Forrest. Run!
My feet don't hurt, do they?
ANNOUNCER: And here, last but not least,
local brewer and full-time dale runner,
Maurice Scott.
Well done, Maurice!
[CROWD CHEERING]
I didn't think anyone could look
worse than me today, Maurice.
The day Sandra d*ed, I went out to
the garage to service the car.
-Sorry?
-Brake parts, filters,
oil change, the lot.
Right.
Grief, it takes people
in different ways.
-Maurice, I'm really tired...
-I know.
I'm sorry. Won't keep you long.
I came to say that you were right.
What you said.
I am trying to save Sandra again
by helping you
and helping you brings it all back.
And it's hard sometimes not to think,
"I'll do it better this time."
And, er...
Me helping you is me sticking
two fingers up to cancer.
Part of me will always be stuck there
by Sandra's bed.
But you really need to hear this,
I don't want you to come
through this for Sandra,
I want you to come through this
because you're you.
Nobody else.
I want this for you.
And I want you to be there for me
after taking the piss.
Making me think things
I've never thought before.
Rattling me cage.
And I might have blown it
right here now.
And if I have,
it will knock me bow-legged, but
at least I've said it.
I'll say this for you, Maurice,
you're full of surprises.
Nobody's ever said that to me before.
And I have to go and throw up.
Right.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO]
[MUSIC SKIPPING]
[ROCK MUSIC RESTARTS]
[MUSIC REWINDS AND CONTINUES]
Can you stop that?
I'm just... I'm trying to concentrate.
[MUSIC STOPS]
On what?
It's Sophie's appeal for Mark's school.
Are you doing that because you want to
or to prove a point?
Doing it because it needs doing.
Sorry, that was a sh*t thing to say.
That's all right,
I'll file it away with
all the other sh*t things you've said.
So how do you think the weekend is going
so far, on a scale of bad to disastrous?
[MOBILE RINGING AND VIBRATING]
Hey, Eddie.
No.
No, you're not interrupting anything.
No.
[GROANS] I've got a horrible feeling
they're in the car.
Joe's lost one of his trainers.
I think we've got his spares?
Yeah, yeah, they're in the car.
I could smell them on the way here.
EDDIE: We've got one, and he's a bit
upset asking for special trainers.
-Just wondered what he means.
-[JOE BABBLING]
Or how I can persuade him
that shoes are just as good.
[SIGHS] It... It'll be fine. I'm sure.
All right, thanks for letting
me know, Eddie. Just leave it with me.
I'll speak to you in a bit.
All right, bye.
I mean, he won't settle.
If he doesn't have his trainers.
Not once the idea is in his head.
You know what he's like.
Yeah. Yeah, we should go.
Eddie will have a nightmare otherwise.
It's a good job we didn't unpack.
Yeah, exactly.
Stop the car.
What?
Stop the car.
I thought we were in a...
In a rush to get home.
We are, we are... Just deadlines just
do it for me. I was the same at school.
-All right, then.
-Now you're starting to worry me.
[LAUGHS]
[BOTH MOANING]
-Ooh!
-[CHUCKLES]
Well, as the old proverb goes,
a couple that shag in the car make
light work of the relationship sh*t.
Not sure we're quite there yet, are we?
[KEYS JINGLE]
[ENGINE ROARING]
MAURICE: Ralph. Ralph, hang on a bit.
[SIGHS] Can I have a word?
Oh, here. Take that payment for today
in case the pair of you want to go
for a drink or anything.
You don't wanna come, do you?
Ha! No, no. You're all right.
-Thank you.
-Thank you.
Nice to meet you, love.
Can I have a word? Come here.
If it does get serious and you need
another bloke to talk to,
-I can be that bloke.
-All right.
-You know, condoms and all that.
-All right.
Because if you're too embarrassed
to buy them I can do it.
-It's all right.
-No, the thing is with condoms,
is, er, you have to practise beforehand
It's like when you put a glove on
and can't get your fingers to the end.
There's more to life than sex, Maurice.
Eddie, big tick for hopping.
Hey!
-Hello, matey.
-Hello, love.
[LAUGHS]
Did you go to school?
No. We were in Manchester,
but we weren't at school.
Look what I found in the car.
You're back already, what happened?
Eddie, what're you still doing here?
Got dragged into family life,
you know how it is.
More to the point, why are you here.
[CHUCKLES]
All right, I'll try and salvage
some of my weekend then.
Thanks, Eddie, for lending us your flat.
-I'll see you Monday night.
-[DOOR SLAMS]
Now then, young man,
what have you been up to?
What did you do today?
Did you have a nice time?
Neat. Neat. Neat.
The Damned, 1977.
Emily needed to poo.
Good Lord, Nicola, I need oxygen.
[LAUGHS] Is that what Uncle Eddie said?
What else happened, hmm?
So you've had a row then or what?
We just couldn't settle at Eddie's.
Loose women calling around
day and night, drug dealers...
-Stop it.
-[LAUGHS]
Eddie's been great this weekend.
Teaching Joe to ride a bike, I hear.
How did it go?
[REBECCA AND PAUL LAUGHING]
EDDIE: So you just keep pedalling
and if you keep pedalling
the bike will take care of you.
-He looks like a bear on a unicycle.
-REBECCA: Stop it.
Please tell me that
Eddie doesn't succeed.
You'd rather Joe couldn't ride a bike
then admit another man could teach him?
Joe?
Can you ride a bike yet?
I can ride a bike.
Er, nearly. Nearly.
I'm going to get you on that bike and
you will be riding like Bradley Wiggins.
-REBECCA: Come and look, Mum.
-Oh, I'll look later, love.
EDDIE: [ON VIDEO] You ready?
You ready? You can do it!
Presents. Presents! Yes.
Okay. Joseph.
Look...
I like dinosaurs, don't I?
Oh!
I got them in a bit of a hurry but it's
the thought that counts,
-isn't it?
-Really?
I don't like big, big chocolate, do I?
Right, I've just got to bring this stuff
over to Sophie's.
Thanks for holding the fort, love,
and for looking after Joe.
-For all of eight hours.
-[DOOR CLOSES]
Come on.
EDDIE: [ON VIDEO] So you just
keep pedalling and you keep pedalling
-the bike will take care of you.
-[PAUL LAUGHS]
I've done it.
No point taking her now
half the weekend's gone.
Stay for your tea, at least.
Fish fingers and mayonnaise.
If I go now,
I'll get back for the evening.
Go on. We could practice
my new presentation.
I've done it for Emily
but her feedback is a bit limited.
Doggy, Raggy.
You can't really say "Doggy" and "Raggy"
and still sound angry, it's incongruous.
I'm sorry about earlier.
I don't know why...
I didn't mean to upset you.
It's just that I spent a long time
getting over you, getting to this,
where we could be mates
and Emily's parents.
Yeah, me too.
I just don't want confusing by
caring about who you're sleeping with.
And I know I shouldn't care, but I do.
Even though you're sleeping
with other women. I'm not.
-Oh.
-Not for lack of opportunity.
No... Of course not.
Oh, dear me, no.
The, er, robotics study group is known
as stud central in the union bar.
I suppose I should be flattered?
You're kind of missing the point.
As a sensitive lad growing up
under Maurice's roof,
your sexual confidence might not
necessarily be sky high.
Really?
You always seemed confident with me.
And... Did I? Did I really?
-Yeah.
-Oh, good.
I might just leave that there then.
Go out on a high point.
[SIGHS]
The reason I haven't slept with anyone
since you
is partly exhaustion but mainly
because I haven't met anyone
I liked as much as you.
-So what would be the point?
-Practise.
I don't think I'll forget
what goes where.
Like riding a bike.
[CHUCKLES] Oh! That hurts.
It was nice today.
You make it easier and Emily loves it.
Is that why you kept tricking me
into staying longer?
I didn't ask you to stay. You couldn't
leave that questionnaire behind.
That bloody thing. What does it prove?
I mean, look at you.
GP, young child, beautiful home.
On good terms with her ex.
On paper, you've got it all.
-And?
-And
you'd be the first to admit you were
as insecure
and screwed up as everybody else.
I suspect that your defensiveness about
this process
masks an underlying insecurity.
Is that to go along with
my very obvious surface insecurities?
I thought we'd established
you were actually confident?
[DOOR OPENS]
Oh, bloody hell. Holly, this is a shock.
A surprise.
A nice surprise.
I thought I'd find you here.
This young lady came to my house
looking for you.
I prayed for it to happen
in your teenage years
but, er, better late than never.
Hi, I'm Holly.
Eddie's girlfriend from Manchester.
Eddie's Manchester girlfriend.
I'm Nicola.
Well, this is all very modern, eh?
Very, er, modern.
Next time you drive up,
take the Kendal turn in off the M6
then the A590.
It's quicker at the weekend.
Thank you, I'll remember that.
Is she all right?
Snoring like Granddad.
Farting like Granddad.
[NICOLA LAUGHS] So,
-Eddie tells me you're in medicine too.
-I'm an anaesthetist.
That's how we met.
I came round from a minor operation
and found myself in a bar with her.
He's always had
a weakness for medical types.
Fell over a lot as a child. [CHUCKLES]
Eddie made that joke on our first date.
Did he? Ah, well, now you know
where he heard it first.
-And our third.
-Did I?
Sorry, I didn't know you had visitors.
She doesn't. I think it's about time
we got going anyway.
Oh, sorry, Rebecca, this is Holly.
Oh, right, Eddie's
Manchester girlfriend.
I prefer Holly.
Of course, sorry.
Well, thanks for helping out
with Joe all day.
And thanks for not minding.
I did mind, actually.
But I understood.
Exactly.
Bye-bye.
[MAURICE GROANS]
[SIGHS AND GROANS]
He didn't want to go?
[SIGHS] I don't think he could
get out the door quick enough.
Only because it was awkward.
Am I really like her.
I thought she was quite annoying.
She's not as pretty as you.
Rebecca, we're grown women, we don't do
the comparison thing, it's demeaning.
No, of course, but I know my stuff.
And I tell you, you and Eddie
should be a family.
And I can make it happen.
That's very kind.
But in three months time
you'll be at Bristol Uni
having an emotional crisis of your own.
No, I won't.
I binned the offer.
I'm not going to university.
I'm not going anywhere.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
-Hiya.
-I know,
it's not my idea of a great
Saturday night either but are you free
just to go through some of this stuff?
Yeah, yeah. Of course I am. Come on.
If Mark is going to get the college
to take him it's all in the wording.
So if he needs one-to-one maths support
for eight hours a week
a designated quiet space
and dancing girls,
we write that in and let them fight it.
We do not let the council suggest stuff
because they will suggest the bare
minimum and then say
they can't even give you that.
What, why are you looking so worried?
Because if you don't stop soon and
take a breath
you're going to explode
and make a mess of the carpet.
Sorry. I'm sorry, I'm just really fired
up about this stuff right now.
I know, and thanks.
Also, you need to get Mark to write
about what he wants in his own words.
'Cause it's harder to say no to him
than some angry mother
waving bits of paper around.
[DRUMS PLAYING LOUDLY]
Is that Mark?
I really, really hope so.
I'll tell him to ease up
on the kick-pedal.
Oh, no, no, no. You don't have to.
Mark!
Mark!
-[KNOCKING ON MARK'S DOOR]
-[DRUMS STOP]
Mark, can you keep it
down a bit for now?
Success.
[DRUMS CONTINUE]
[BOTH LAUGHING]
[SIGHS]
This is the only double bed
in the house,
so I'm thinking you'll be
more comfortable in here.
We won't be needing a double bed, Dad.
Oh, right.
What I mean is we can't let you
give up your bed for us.
Suit yourself. Just so you know, I'll be
in your bed. So its going to be snug.
[SIGHS]
Well, as Friday nightmares go this is
right up there.
Mum and Dad came back from Manchester
early so it can't be good, can it?
No. Well...
It is quite hard
to keep a marriage on track
when you're living in separate cities.
Right.
So what if everything falls apart
when I'm not here.
We all like to think we're indispensable
to our families but the truth
is none of us are.
It's different for me though, isn't it?
There's Joe for a start.
Joe will be fine.
Not everyone gets him. James didn't.
Becca!
You're 19 years old,
none of this is your responsibility.
You don't get it, it is.
You're bound to have attachment anxiety
giving your family's situation.
What, no. I'm not a case study, Nicola.
We're all case studies in the end,
that's what Eddie was so angry about.
Oh, I thought Eddie was angry because
he couldn't teach Joe to ride his bike.
We want the world to see us
as we see ourselves.
And we delude ourselves every day
in order to survive.
Who are we talking about now, me or you?
[CHUCKLES] See? You're smart.
Just go to university.
Why don't I leave my car here
and we'll travel back in yours.
You need your car and I need mine.
Less romantic though.
I think romantic finally gave up
in your dad's bedroom.
I'm really sorry about today.
But you do understand, don't you?
You have a baby here.
And an ex-wife. I knew that when we met.
And family, and an autistic nephew.
I understand all of that.
It's just you'd set up
a really nice day and everything.
Yes.
I was aware of that.
I'm sorry, you sounded okay about it
on the phone.
I was. I am.
But it feels as though you want me to
prove that I care
with some kind of
demonstrative outburst.
No, I'm sorry.
Well, a slight outburst
might be nice.
I do care,
if that's what you're worried about.
I care enough about you not to want
to disrupt your family life.
And I understand your insecurity
because of your past
but I drove all the way
up here to find you, so,
perhaps that gives you a clue
as to how I feel.
Now all you have to do is ask yourself
how you feel.
MAURICE: [ON SPEAKERPHONE]
You still pick up then?
[SIGHS] Yes, I still pick up.
I'm trying to not, you know, crowd you.
Not, you know, be all over it.
You did all right.
Good. I'm mustard with a mop and bucket.
So-so.
So if you need anything
or that, just say.
But I'm going to wait
for you to call me.
Do you want me to call you out
the window or phone?
How do you mean?
You're outside the house, aren't you?
No.
When did you first realise you
weren't cut out for MI5?
Have you managed to
fill in the whole thing?
Nearly.
Amazing.
And I've left bike riding empty for now.
If I asked you to promise me that you
wouldn't lose sight of me again,
do you think you could do that?
Well, I'll need a bigger telescope
for when you're in Manchester.
Could you?
-Promise me.
-Yeah, I promise.
And I won't lose sight of you.
At least we're not Eddie and Nicola.
[SCOFFS] Yet.
What's that supposed to mean?
It's not supposed to mean anything.
It's supposed to be a joke.
-Right.
-[SIGHS]
Why do you always have to pick away
at everything like that?
I just wish...
You just wish what?
I just wish we could
leave things alone for a bit.
Just let things be.
Okay, fine, that's what we'll do.
That's what we'll do.
[BIKE SPOKES CLICKING]
What is that?
I don't know.
Oh, sh*t. Oh, I do. I do!
I do, actually.
Hey, he's doing it.
He's bloody riding it.
Alison, Joe's riding his bike
without stabilisers.
Did he teach him how to brake?
[SYNTH POP MUSIC PLAYING ON HEADSET]
Hey, come on. Come on, Joe.
I've done that now.
♪ Get around town, get around town
♪ Where the people look good
Where the music is loud
♪ Get around town
No need to stand proud
♪ Add your voice
to the sound of the crowd ♪
I'm not having Nicola use Joe to
get a foothold in the autism industry.
-If there's anything that upsets you...
-All of it, Nicola.
How about all of it?
Nicola's just trying to help.
She's turned our little boy
into a freak show.
I would never let anybody do that.
We make a good team, you and me,
don't we?
Yeah, for now.
What do you mean, "for now"?
It's taken me two years
to get to where you were with Joe.
You were the accepting one.
And I finally get to where I think
you are and you've moved.
Louise, she's ended it.
She does know she's ended it,
doesn't she?
Mum and Dad need me to stay.
If something's wrong with them
then something will be wrong with Joe.
-And he can't stop now, can he?
-And you can?