04x03 - Odysseus

[bunniefuu]

Hello?

(WOMAN LAUGHS)

(MAN AND WOMAN MOANING)

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

(EDGAR MOANING)

Oh, my God.

Jimmy? You're alive!

What the hell are you doing?!

Jimmy!

Oh, no! Oh, dear God, no.

Oh, wait. No, I'm mad at you.

Hmm. Well, look who's back.

I... (GAGS) I...

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

(FLATULENCE)

(TY INHALES SHARPLY)

Shok-ba delek.

That's "good morning" in Tibetan.

No. I'm asleep.

You'll want a shower.

I have an outfit for you in the closet.

Ew. What actress du jour
left her stuff here?

Shailene Woodley? Greta Gerwig?

Little Big Olsen?

No, it's all yours.

You left a bunch of your
things at my old place.

I did?

(GASPS)

Holy sh*t!

I've been wondering where that is!

(SIGHS LOUDLY)

If you could be ready by : ,
that would be magnificent.

The g*ng's coming over

for our standard Saturday morning
yoga brunch slash crossword jam.

Oh, I can't make it.

- It's literally downstairs.
- (PHONE CHIMES)

Actually, I could use a
Bloody Mary or five.

I'm gonna take you up on that shower.

- Not yet.
- Mmm...

(SNIFFING)

I'm really glad you called, Gretchen.

Thanks, Ty.

(CHUCKLES, SNORTS)

Oh, wait.

Okay, cool. It's all you.

(MOANING)

♪ ♪

♪ I'm gonna leave you anyway ♪

♪ I'm gonna leave you anyway ♪

♪ Gonna leave you anyway. ♪

(LINDSAY LAUGHING)

EDGAR: Jimmy. Bro, I have so
many questions, but first,

bring it in.

Come on, now.

Let's do this.

(JIMMY GROANING)

Bring... it... in.

Ah...

So?

As an act of charity,

I'm not going to eviscerate you

for apparently moving into my bedroom,

or defiling it with Lindsay,

of all single-celled life-forms.

I am not single-celled.

I've got cells you've
never even heard of.

What are you two doing?

I warned you dating Lindsay

would be a disaster.

Joke's on you, cupcake. We're
just friends with benefits.

(CLICKS TONGUE)

Where's, um... where's Gretchen, anyway?

I texted her "hey,"

but she hasn't responded.

Gretchen's staying at my
apartment, which used to be

a rando's apartment, which
used to be an apartment

where they hid Cambodian boat people.

It's a whole thing.

I should probably go
talk to her, like a man.

She can give me a tongue-lashing,

let out all of her anger.

Also, I'm sure she's
dying to see the book.

Mm. I wouldn't go over there.

Sorry, why?

What's there to talk about?

You bounced, she moved on.

End of story.

Well, there are some things
that I would like to discuss.

- Like a man.
- (SCOFFS)

Do you really want to see how much
better she's doing without you?

Well, I'm out.

Great sex, bud.

Real horny.

Wow.

(DOOR CLOSES)

Good to see you, too, Jimmy.

Oh, thank you.

Wow.

(DOOR OPENS, CLOSES)

(DOOR OPENS)

Is that your hot rod in the driveway?

Yes.

It is really cool.

I would like to ride in it sometime.

(DOOR CLOSES)

♪ ♪

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Mmm.

♪ ♪

Get out.

What? Who are you?

I'm the wine guard.

Unauthorized! Get out!

Out! Out! Out!

(LAUGHS)

I'm sorry.

You're really guarding the wine?

Yeah. For cool people like us.

Here.

Ty's parties used to be way more fun

before Gavin Rossdale convinced everyone

to go to A.A. I didn't bang

your nanny, bro, why do we
all have to be punished?

So...

Who dragged you here?

Oh, I woke up here.

You're a Ty girl.

Uh, I'm not a Ty girl.

I'm surprised he let you
out of the bedroom.

It's been a minute since I've
seen one of you out in the wild.

That Little Big Olsen once
made me a pretty good omelet.

You should probably hurry back.

Well, you should probably suck my d*ck.

You should probably

e-eat your own farts and then you should

suck my d*ck again.

(LAUGHS): What?

Mm-hmm.

(RAPID KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Can you believe that guy?!

I know. Who?

Jimmy!

He disappears for three months,

and then just waltzes

back in like nothing ever happened.

- He's a psychopath.
- A total psychopath!

Sociopathic psychopath

with borderline personality disorder.

Do you know much money I spent
setting up - -RU-JIMMY?

You can't just go straight
Richard Simmons on fools

and expect them to be fine

when you reappear without
explanation... who does that?!

He didn't just leave
Gretchen on that mountain,

he left all of us up there.

He better stay away from Gretchen.

I don't need her farting up my
couch for the next three months.

Yeah, you really got to
throw that thing out.

Mmm. Mmm.

Wait, didn't we just do
this, like, two hours ago?

Did we? Eh, it's Saturday.

Good point, bud.

SHITSTAIN: It's actually worth it.

You don't really see any
kind of marine life... oh.

Here is my and Jaclyn at
the Old Lahaina Luau.

We sat with two non-Hodgkin lymphoma
researchers from Akron. (LAUGHS)

Oh, and, uh, here we are
at Waipu'ilani Beach.

No more honeymoon photos!

Unless it's that one

of Jaclyn on that whaling boat

where her titties are all oiled up.

That one's highly erotic.

I'm sorry Honey Nutz couldn't make it.

He had to attend his godson's wedding.

His godson's wedding?

How old is Honey Nutz's godson?

I'm not sure, that does
seem a little weird.

- Yeah, how does the math work on that?
- Oh, yeah. That makes sense.

- I've always wondered that.
- He's young...

Yeah, that's-that's true.

Well, you fellas seem to be doing great.

(LAUGHS)

I can't believe I didn't even
think to ask this earlier.

How's, um, Gretchen?

Oh, bitch is great.

Sucks y'all broke up,

but sometimes you got
to let a good one go.

Yeah. Gretchen is thriving.

- Great.
- Yeah.

- I am happy to hear that.
- Yeah, oh, I mean,

all of her photos from Europe
look like she's having a blast.

- Europe?
- Yeah, she went to Europe for work.

She said the Daft Punk guys
let her try on their masks,

but the laser show messed up her phone

so she couldn't get a picture.

How long's she been in Europe?

- Three months, about.
- Yeah. Last time we saw her

was right before Mahler's Ninth
at the Hollywood Bowl. Right?

Yeah, I can't believe
they have fireworks

after a symphony about
Mahler's daughter's death

and his impending death

- and the death of tonality itself.
- Hmm.

But hey, modern audiences
want that razzle dazzle.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Good-ass mushroom polenta, too.

- Good-ass mushroom polenta.
- So good.

- So yummy.
- It's usually...

Wow. Three months, huh?

Right. Very yummy. It's a little crusty,

a little crusty.

WOMAN: Mats, everyone.

GRETCHEN: Bye, Ty!

Thanks for the bagel.
(WHISPERS): And the oral sex.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. You're
not driving, are you?

Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, hey.

Oh, no.

Gretchen's .

Just had a wee bit of wine.

Smell you later, Cochise.

Hey, Boone. Can you do me a
favor and take Gretchen home?

She lives right by you.

Call Uber, like a normal person.

No, they stopped picking
me up months ago

'cause I tried to get my
driver to drag race Angelyne.

Fine.

But no pee breaks

and no pit stops.

I was supposed to be back
in Eagle Rock hours ago.

Eagle Rock! (LAUGHS)

Dork.

You are a gem.

(EXHALES)

Can we go now, or you guys
still need to do hand stuff?

(SCOFFS)

Get out of here.

Careful.

Bye, Boonie.

(SINGING ALONG TO RADIO):
♪ Bill collector called today ♪

♪ Shove ♪

♪ The IRS is on my case ♪

♪ Shove ♪

♪ My boss says I should comb my hair ♪

♪ Shove ♪

♪ My father says I'm going nowhere... ♪

Hey, hey, hey.

Uh, I'm right over here.

Uh, the real ugly one.

(GRETCHEN SIGHS, LAUGHS)

Look at that stupid-ass car.

Hey! Small d*ck!

Show me your micro...

- Drive! Drive!
- What?

- Drive!
- Stop hitting me!

I don't even know you.

- Drive!
- No!

- (ENGINE REVVING)
- No!

(MOANING)

(SIGHS)

(MOANING CONTINUES)

(HIGH-PITCHED MOANING, GRUNTING)

(SCREAMS)

- (LINDSAY SHRIEKS)
- Jimmy!

Oh, my God!

Where are the two of you not having sex?

What are you doing here?

I'm... I'm dropping
off Gretchen's stuff.

LINDSAY: Well, the last
thing Gretchen needs

right now is to see your dumb face.

I thought you said she was fine.

Well, she's not. Okay?
You devastated her.

She didn't leave this
apartment for months.

And this is not a good apartment.

Well, then, clearly,

Gretchen needs to face her anger

so she can finally be at peace.

What time do you think she'll
be home? 'Cause I can wait.

- No!
- No!

- Jimmy, we're doing things.
- No! Stay away from her

- or I will m*rder you.
- You're making us

- uncomfortable, Jimmy.
- I will! I've done it before.

I think I hate him, and I've
never hated anyone before.

Not even that drill sergeant
who called me "Egg."

Oh. Poor Egg.

Hey, all that fighting
got me cranked up.

Yeah, okay.

- Oh...
- (EDGAR GROANS)

(BOTH MOANING, PANTING)

(SINGING IN KOREAN)

Cool place.

It's always nice to see my
buddies from the Korean w*r.

Why are you being such a d*ck?

Hmm. Let me see.

Because I didn't want to give

a strange, drunk girl a ride home

and now she's dragged
me to a terrible bar.

It's always the same, as soon
as I'm around a Ty girl.

Either it's A) warn her that Ty sucks,

or B) be forced into
building a relationship

with someone I'm never gonna see again.

Just so you know, it's not
my first go-around with Ty.

You're back for seconds?

Damn, either he really likes you,

or you are super messed up.

I like to think both.

(SINGING IN KOREAN)

I once got a DUI bringing him tacos.

You're Tragic Taco Girl?

Holy sh*t!

I was the one who had to bring
him tacos later that night.

Sounds like you guys have a
really weird thing going on.

Don't get me wrong.

I love Ty.

It's just... he's always been a mess.

He got so drunk at my wedding,

he tried to bang the cantor.

Oh.

- And when was this?
- .

He actually used to be
a really good friend.

Now he's just interested in
his cool "industry" pals.

He's got no time to play
foosball with Boone,

but he can go on an Alaskan
cruise with Elvis Mitchell.

He even went to Standing
Rock with Matt McGorry.

They got into a fight
over who's more woke.

It's Matt McGorry, right?

Obviously.

I mean, I get that he had to do

all sorts of attachment therapy as a kid

because hugging his mom
made him throw up,

but Jesus Christ.

Whoa.

This is some really good gossip.

Uh, another bottle of soju, please.

You're going hard tonight.

Have you ever had a day

that starts with one bad decision

and then it's just a
cascade of bad decisions

until you're like, "Well,

might as well burn down
the whole town tonight"?

No.

♪ ♪

(GRETCHEN GASPING, BOONE GRUNTING)

- Ow, ow! You're on my hair.
- Sorry.

No, I like it.

(BOTH LAUGH)

(GRUNTING CONTINUES)

Listen, Jimmy. I really
need to talk to you.

Why won't Gretchen respond?

I texted her yesterday.

"Hey, dot dot dot..."

Which is delightfully neutral

and decidedly open-ended.

Maybe she's not texting
you because she knows

the only reason you're checking in
is to make yourself feel better.

(CHUCKLES)

What?

Yeah. Maybe Gretchen wants
to get on with her life

and never think about you again.

Maybe she thought you were dead, Jimmy.

Checking tips on the hotline.

Coming home, night after
night, to an empty house

with only your scent on your
pillow to cling to for comfort,

until it, too, faded
away and she was left

all alone with nobody to
make breakfast ramen for.

Alone with, with nothing
but her scentless pillows

and haunted thoughts of all
friends she lost in the w...

(VOICELESS): w*r...

Uh...

I'm...

I am sorry

that I worried you, Edgar.

That was insensitive.

But I suppose, in a way,

I abandoned you, too.

I mean, I was talking
about Gretchen, but...

apology accepted.

(JIMMY WHIMPERS)

(EDGAR GROWLS HAPPILY)

Did you really smell my pillows?

No...

Hey, you know what?

Maybe I'll make us some dinner waffles

for old times' sake. But that's it!

I'm not making breakfast anymore.

Up for discussion.

_

_

(GRUNTS)

Here you go.

Del Taco.

Hope there's no Del
Scorcho sauce on this.

(LAUGHS) Thought there were
some Coffee Bean ones in there.

A bit classier.

You know, Ty is still
one of my best friends.

Ouch. Usually I don't
get the "regret text"

till later in the night, but yeah, sure,

we can do this face-to-face.

Just trying to be honest.

You know, tell you my truth.

Got it. Cool. (LAUGHS)

- Nice to meet you.
- Bye, Gretchen.

♪ Why don't we ♪

♪ Do those things ♪

♪ That lovers do ♪

♪ Lovers do ♪

♪ Why don't we do ♪

♪ Those things, things ♪

♪ Things, things ♪

♪ We can sit in the rain,
touch it and complain ♪

♪ But I'd rather just
take you home and chill ♪

♪ Chill. ♪

♪ Get loose now, go Chi-Town ♪

♪ Get loose now ♪

♪ St. Louis, get loose now ♪

♪ New Orleans... ♪

EDGAR: Oh. Yeah. Oh!

Oh. (LAUGHS)

You know, I almost texted
Gretchen again earlier.

- Jimmy.
- Uh, no, I didn't do it.

I wrote about a hundred drafts,

but couldn't get it right.

Probably for the best, you know.

Out of sight, out of...

Hey!

Dot.

Dot.

Dot!

(CAR DOOR CLOSES)

(CAR DRIVING AWAY)

Oh, sh*t.

(DOORBELL BUZZING)

(TIRES SCREECH)

JIMMY: Gretchen!

Gretchen, I need to talk to you.

Cool your horses, I...

- Gretchen.
- What?!

I'm sorry.

I-I don't know what to say,

other than I'm sorry.

I'm deeply, deeply sorry for what I did.

You did not deserve such ill treatment.

I'm sorry.

Okay.

But you did say "family."

What did you just say to me?

No. No, it, it just...

This whole thing, with my dad dying,

and then you said

that we were gonna be a family
now and so, understandably,

in the moment, I got scared.

You got scared because you
asked me to be your wife,

and I said yes, and then I
used the word "family"?

Yes.

Oh, my God.

I did say "family."

I forgot about that.

I'm so sorry.

Oh.

Well, thank you.

I just wanted to tell you my truth.

Yeah.

I could see how that would
be really hard on you.

Wow.

Thank you.

Wow.

(EXHALES)

(LAUGHS)

God. What a crazy three months, right?

So crazy. (LAUGHS)

Hey! So you might be interested.

The galley...

for The Width of a Peach just came out.

Do you want to see it?

Oh, neat. Totally.

Oh.

GRETCHEN: Come on, Lindsay.

Let's go get some Kyochon.

♪ My loves ♪

♪ Drink deep ♪

♪ Love, lust and fire ♪

♪ I hear... ♪

Hey, are you okay, bro?

Yeah.

♪ You... ♪

Hey, I meant to mention,

uh, I really like your new clothes.

♪ Mine? ♪

May I?

Of course.

♪ They speak ♪

♪ Street lights like fire... ♪

(EXHALES)

This is fine.

♪ They call ♪