09x09 - The 200th

[bunniefuu]

- [CELLPHONE RINGS]
- [WATER RUNNING]

AXL: Someone get my phone!

[MUFFLED] We're not getting your phone.

I know I said not to touch
my phone, but touch my phone!

Why can't you get it?!

I'm in the shower!

Come on, it might be important.

It might be one of the people
I sent my résumé to!

Then you should definitely get it.

AXL: If I get a job, I'll be moving out.

♪

Axl Heck's phone. How may I help you?

And whom may I say is calling?

[WATER STOPS, CURTAIN SLIDES]

One moment, please,

Mr. McCollum.

Here, here, here.

Hello, this is Axl Heck.

Business is my business.

- [LAUGHS] Yeah. Oh...
- [DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]

Knock, knock!

Sorry to barge in, but we have big
news, and it just couldn't wait!

I'm sorry, we're not
interrupting dinner, are we?

No, we're almost done.

Anyway, we didn't know if you saw,

so we thought we'd be

the first ones to tell you.

Orson made the list

of the top

most livable cities!

[GASPS] In America?

No, Indiana!

Oh, my God! What number were we ranked?

. It's the first time
we made the list!

It's right here in
Distinctly Indiana Magazine.

Looks like we bumped Porterdale

off the list from last year.

You know, they had that big kerfuffle

about the diving board

- at the municipal pool.
- Hmm.

Well, I think Orson deserves it.

The people here

are just really friendly.

I think it's dumb.

Not everybody.

The whole thing's just a big money-maker.

They just want the people
in those towns

who never buy the magazine
to buy the magazine.

I bought four!

Well, it's too late now,

'cause Orson's goin' " " crazy!

We're gonna incorporate the whole thing

into the cow rededication ceremony...

balloons, desserts,

coupons of goods and
services from local vendors

that will go into a gift basket

to be awarded to the th visitor

who crosses the city line that day!

Wait, balloon?!

That's like two bags' worth!

Yeah, it's a big deal.

Can I tell Axl? I wanna tell Axl!

Axl! Axl!

Orson got voted
the th most livable city...

not in America, but in Indiana...

and there's gonna be a huge celebration

and two bags of balloons!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I got bigger news.

Jackson Plumbing Supply liked my résumé,

and they want me to interview
with a Human Resources person

- for a position in sales.
- Really?

Yeah, they said they're gonna call
my assistant tomorrow to set it up.

Your assistant? You don't have a... Ohh!

- Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no!
- Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!

Sue, come on! Please!

Be my assistant, my assistant
sister... my assist-erant.

[SIGHS] Fine.

But only this once,

and I want to be senior assist-erant.

Done.

Okay.

♪

[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

Hello, Cindy.

It's me... Brick.

I know. I recognize your voice.

And your face.

Listen, you may have heard

I had a little dalliance

with the new girl, Lilah.

Anyway, she got some notes

containing some
pretty disturbing threats,

and, well...

might one dare to dream
that they were from you?

They were.

Really?

That's great!

I was hoping you still
had feelings for me,

'cause I have feelings for you!

My passion does burn bright
for you, Brick.

[SIGHS] What a relief.

I'm so glad we're back together.

Slow your roll.

Breaking up with me like you did
was very cowardly.

So, in order to win me back,

you have to perform
three acts of bravery.

♪

"Three acts of bravery"?

Yep, and I have to have them done

by the cow rededication ceremony.

So, I jotted down a few ideas on the bus,

and I want to run 'em by you guys.

Rank them one to five,

with five being the bravest.

Brick, this Frugal Hoosier
chicken's on the clock here.

First one... foiling a bank robbery.

Five for bravery,

one for how the hell are
you gonna make that happen?

Hmm. Walking through a hail of
g*nf*re like Wonder Woman?

Please don't dress like Wonder Woman.

Holding in my poop all day?

Solid three.

Hmm.

How upset would you be
if I set fire to the house

if I was reasonably sure
I could put it out?

[SIGHS] Could you make it
look like an accident?

Mm.

Hey, Mike. Hey.

Hey, did you hear about Orson being th

- in the state of Indiana?
- Mm.

I think what put 'em over the top

is when Fountains hired that chef

from the Terre Haute
Correctional Facility.

That guy's cooking,

you can lock me up, throw away the key.

Huh. [CHUCKLES]

Hey, listen, I wanted to let you know

that Paula's not gonna be
at the cow rededication.

Oh. Okay.

Yeah, we kinda hit a little bump.

Well, it was a bigger bump, I guess.

It's, uh... We're... We're separated.

Oh. I'm sorry to hear that.

Yeah. I mean, it's gonna be fine.

Paula and I both wanted it.

She thought I watched too much sports.

And I thought she changed

ever since she started
painting landscapes.

Well, seems like you're handling it well.

Yeah, well, I mean, you know,

we're not the f-first people
this has happened to.

Yeah.

All right, then.

Yeah.

I'm not gonna lie to you...
It's tough, you know?

It's just not the way

you thought your life was gonna go.

You know, a lot of questions ahead.

I mean, wh-what do we do at Christmas?

Oh, God! [SOBS]

♪

Ugh. Okay... boss.

The HR guy at Jackson Plumbing Supply

has your number.

He'll call to FaceTime you.

All you have to do is pick up.

All right? Okay, great.

Here's a list of other people
I sent my résumé to,

if you could just follow up with them

and make sure they got it?

Axl, no!

I helped you out once, but I am done.

You're on your own.

Whoa! Hey! Come on, Sue.

Don't you get it?

When they thought I had an assistant,

they set up the meeting.

I mean, think about it.

Who are you gonna call back...

the guy who makes cents
over minimum wage at Spudsy's

or the guy who has an assistant?

[GASPS]

You make cents over minimum wage?

See? The world's unfair, Sue.

That's why you got to take
every advantage you can get.

Axl, no!

I'm sorry, but I'm not lying for you.

At Lexie's lake house,
her mom made us daiquiris,

and even though I'm not yet,

I had a little sip and I liked it!

I can't afford to have
anything else go against me

in the eyes of the Lord.

Okay, well, think about it this way.

What if, for helping your brother out,

when you get to Heaven,

they give you a sweet angel job.

You mean like taking care of pets

whose owners haven't arrived yet?

Yep, they're gonna let you right in.

That is, if they recognize you
without a head.

Ohh! Axl!

I told you to stop making jokes
about freezing my head!

I'm sorry. I just can't help myself.

Okay, I'll tell you what.
I'll help you out.

But, if I do, you can never make

another head-freezing joke again... ever.

Done, done. I promise.

No more head-freezing jokes
for the rest of your life.

Okay.

But once you're dead, all bets
are off... and so is your head.

- Axl!
- Last one, I promise.

♪

- [CHATTER OVER TELEVISION]
- Okay, we got to get serious

about this time-capsule thing.

- [TELEVISION SHUTS OFF]
- I mean, they're putting them

in the base of the cow in two days,

and I got nothin'.

Nancy even gave me an extra month,

and I still blew it.

What is the matter with me?

That's not a list we want
to att*ck right before bed.

No, I'm serious.

What is the matter with my brain

that I can't remember anything anymore?

I need to be tested.

[BRUSHING TEETH]

Oh, hey. Uh, Bill and Paula
are separated.

Wait, what?!

Seriously?

Why did you let me yap on about my brain

when you were sitting
on a story like that?

Start talking, mister.

Uh, well, he says
they're having problems.

Apparently, she's on him
about watching too much sports.

Well, you know what, she's not wrong.

He does watch a lot of sports.

No more than the next guy.

Besides, Paula should
appreciate the extra time

to do her little landscape paintings.

Her "little landscape paintings"?

What does that mean?

I'm just saying,
maybe she's, uh, distracted

and not attending to his needs.

"Attending to his needs"?!

Where'd you get that from, the ' s?

What, she's not allowed to paint?

Wait, why are we having their fight?

[SIGHS] You're right, you're right.

Ugh. But I just feel so bad for them.

Are they getting divorced?

I don't know. You'd have to ask Bill.

Well, why didn't you ask Bill?

He started crying, so I came inside.

Mike! You can't do that.

He obviously sought you out

because he needed your support,

and you just come inside?

Okay, I'm gonna call Paula
and see how she's doing,

but you need to reach out again to Bill.

He needs you.

Hearing a lot of sympathy for Bill here.

- [BRUSHING TEETH]
- What about me?

I had a friend cry in front of me today.

♪

FRANKIE: So, Brick, realizing
he didn't have the legs

to pull off a Wonder Woman costume,

performed what he hoped would
be his first act of bravery.

My fair lady, I bring you the mop

of the crabby afternoon janitor.

Good. I needed a mop.

How'd you get it?

Wit, skill, cunning... and $ .

Hmm.

I'll allow it. That's one.

♪

[SPORTS CHATTER OVER TELEVISION]

Hey, thanks for having me over.

Yeah, well, I wanted to
make sure that you're okay,

'cause we didn't get a chance
to finish talking last time,

'cause I had to come in for the... thing.

Yeah. No, I'm good.

I'm good.

- Good.
- Yeah.

[SIGHS]

You know, nights are the hardest.

Paula's been pulling away
for quite some time.

You know what a game's good for?

Getting your mind off of things
that are bothering you.

[CHATTER CONTINUES]

You got a good one, Mike.

I mean, Frankie's not like
other women, you know?

Every time I come over,
she likes to talk.

Hmm. Well, she does like to talk.

Yeah, but not just small talk, you know?

She's... She connects.

She's funny.

She's so funny.

Yeah, she can be pretty funny.

Mm. Totally.

You know, people our age
are starting to wind down,

not Frankie.

She's so... full of life.

Yeah, I guess she is.

I just appreciate there's no games.

You know, you know where you stand.

I had to find out my wife was unhappy

from a subpoena server.

That was... not easy.

I mean, Frankie...

♪

Okay, Cindy.

I'm here in front
of the Glossners' house.

That's right... the Glossners' house.

Pretty brave, huh?

[YELPS]

Oh. That was a leaf.

Anyway, I know you're convinced

that the Glossners stole
your backup safari hat,

so I, Brick Heck,
am going to get it back.

I-I waited until everyone
was out of the house.

It's not breaking and entering,

because, well,

all the windows are already broken.

All right, here we go.

[DOG GROWLS]

Good boy.

[DOG SNARLS]

Good boy?

[VICIOUS BARKING]

Good boyyyyyyyyy!

[BARKING CONTINUES]

I'm sorry I wasn't able
to recover your hat.

However, I did sustain

a rather nasty-looking scrape on my arm

that I did not seek
medical attention for.

That looks infected.

Okay. That's two.

- [EXHALES HEAVILY]
- [SCHOOL BELL RINGS]

, ...

What are you doing?

Nothing. Just looking at you.

Why? Is there something on my face?

Nope. Just looking.

[SIGHS]

[SCOFFS]

Seriously, what is with you?

You're like one of those creepy paintings

where the eyes follow you.

It's just...

I realize I'm a lucky man.

I'm lucky to have you.

Okay, now you're being super weird.

What?

Can't I just appreciate you?

Can't I tell you that
I think you're... neat?

[SCOFFS]

♪

- [GRUNTS] Sue!
- [CELLPHONE RINGING]

Ow! It's Jackson's Plumbing Supply!

- [GASPS]
- [EXHALES]

Axl Heck's line.

Hi, this is Vance McCollum
from Jackson Plumbing Supply.

I'm looking to speak to Axl Heck.

One moment, please.

Hey, Vance! It's Axl.

Axl, I've got some good news for you.

Gus, the president of the company,

would like you to come in
and meet with him in person.

So, we were hoping you could
come by tomorrow at : .

Yes!

[CLEARS THROAT LOUDLY]

Sorry. [DEEP VOICE] Yes.

Great. We'll see you
tomorrow at : , then.

[SQUEALS, LAUGHS]

♪

I just wanted to say,

you two, you're great kids,

and I don't say that enough.

♪

DEBBIE: And this is for
Orson's th visitor today.

What a great gift basket, right Deb?

Such a great gift basket, Court.

So, what's in it?

Well, we've got a happy hour coupon

from T.J. Schnauzer's,

a free cleaning from Smile Superstars...

upper teeth only.

Ooh, and don't forget
the free toddler cheer class

from mine and Deb's new store,
Sis-Boom-Buy!

[GIGGLES] We sell tiny
cheer outfits for babies,

because the sooner
you start them cheering,

the better chance they have
of making varsity!

Yeah!

Now let's check in with Ron Donahue

and see how close we are
to finding a winner.

TOGETHER: Where are we at, Ron?

!

It was a Kentucky license plate,
you guys.

- That's exciting!
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

But it's... it's a real job.

I'd get to use my degree, so...

[CHUCKLES]

You know, if they hire me,

I might actually have to learn
how to tie one of these.

- [CHUCKLES]
- [ENGINE SHUTS OFF]

Okay, we're here.

Thanks for dropping me off.

They think I have an assistant,

so if I showed up in a Winnebago,

that might be a bit of a red flag.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Well, go get 'em.

[EXHALES HEAVILY]

That's the building, Axl.

- Yep.
- So go in.

- I can't.
- What?

I can't. I'm freaking out, Sue.

- I can't do it.
- Sure, you can.

Nope, mnh-mnh. No, no, I'm not doing it.

I'm not getting out.

If they want to interview me,

they can come out here to the car.

- [BREATHES SHAKILY]
- Okay, Axl.

You listen to me.

You are on the edge

of your first step into adulthood.

If you don't go into
that building right now,

you'll regret it
for the rest of your life!

- Tell it my legs.
- Get out!

- No!
- Go!

No! And if I don't get out,
I can't not get it!

- I'm not letting you do this, Axl.
- No!

I am not letting you blow this!

- I can't!
- [GRUNTS]

I can't!

Sue, come on! Please, no!

You are going in there,
and you are getting that job!

I miss my old hair, Sue.

My neck feels cold. It's weird.

Come on! Come on!

Oh, this is very insubordinate behavior!

I'm your boss, for God's sake!

[GRUNTING]

No, you don't!

Hi. Axl Heck. So nice to meet you.

I'm here for my : appointment.

So, while Sue may not have wanted

to be his "official" assistant,

she was there for Axl when
he needed assistance the most.

- [MARCHING BAND MUSIC PLAYS]
- Okay.

We're just minutes away

from the big unveiling.

We've sealed every family's time capsule

in the base of the cow.

But, first, let's check back in
on our visitor count.

You know him, you love him...
I know I do.

Ron Donahue! Ron!

[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]

!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

This is thrilling, isn't it, folks?

Mike, I forgot to do
the time capsule again.

Why can't I remember stuff anymore?

I'm such an idiot.

No, you're not. You're wonderful.

Okay, seriously, you're scaring me.

[GASPS] Hey!

Hey, how'd it go?

Yeah, yeah, what do you think?

What's your feeling?

I'm feeling like I got it.

Wait. You feel like you got it,

or you got it?

No, I got it! I got the job!

- Oh! That's great!
- Hey.

- Yeah.
- Aww.

Axl just needed a little push.

Eh. You are looking at
Jackson Plumbing Supply's

newest junior sales rep
for the tri-state area.

Ooh! Which states?

I don't know, but there's tri of them.

♪

Cindy, I'm sorry. I choked.

I couldn't come up
with a third act of bravery,

so I guess I blew it.

Again.

I never should have broken
up with you in the first place.

It's the dumbest thing I've ever done.

Three.

What?

That's the third act of bravery.

It takes a brave man
to admit he was wrong.

That's all I was looking for.

Really?

Wait, so this is it?

We're really back together as a couple?

Yes.

So... should we kiss?

Sure.

♪

Okay, I'll see you around.

All right.

♪

Attention, Orsonites!

We're lucky to have one of our own here

to express what this town means to us.

He's the one that paid

for the refurbishment of our beloved cow.

He's been elected mayor three times,

One of them legally.
I give you, Mr. Don Ehlert!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Look at this crowd size!

Ha! Ha! What a turnout!

Well, let me tell you what
I love about Orson, Indiana.

It's a wonderful place...

to buy a car.

In fact, we've got
a special all weekend...

buy a car at twice the price,

and get the second half off.

Okay, let's get this thing done
and go home.

And now, I give you
the new and improved...

Orson Cow.

[CROWD CHEERING]

[CROWD GASPS]

So come on down to Ehlert Motors.

Free coffee!

Just leave a dollar in the cup, hmm?

[LIGHT APPLAUSE, BOOING]

Um, o-o-okay, well,
if anybody else wanted

to talk about our town or...

I'll do it.

[SCATTERED MURMURING]

[SIGHS]

Hi. Mike Heck.

Uh, born and raised in Orson.

Uh, listen, when I first heard

about this whole, um, th thing,

I thought it was dumb.

But the more I thought about it...

the more I thought about it...

I started to think maybe
it isn't such a bad idea.

'Cause this town deserves to be noticed.

But not by some magazine, by us.

Now, I'm a guy who gets up

and puts on the same thing every day...

a plaid shirt and jeans...

just so I don't have to think about it.

And we all do that... we get up,
we go to work, we make dinner,

put the kids to bed, and we forget...

how lucky we are, how fortunate we are

to live in a town where,

uh, Maricela stands out in front
of her store with a plate,

asking if you want to try
a butter cookie.

Or... Or... Or Joe at the stereo store...

Well, that's what they called it
when I was growing up.

You go in there, he always says hi,

you ask him how his day's going,
he always says, "Great."

Or how 'bout Lee?

She's the... She's the heart
and soul of this town.

I think she was here when it was founded.

[LIGHT APPLAUSE]

And Bill... When my roof was leaking,

Bill came over and helped me patch it,

and he left his hammer at my house.

So I returned it to him,

but he said, "It's not even my hammer."

Somebody else had left it at his house

when we were all there fixing the fence.

So, that's why, yesterday,

I put that hammer in
our family's time capsule.

'Cause I think people
in the future should know

that this is a town where
people help each other out.

'Cause you do for family.

And that's what we are.

♪

So, you know, uh,

we're... we're, uh... we're lucky.

We're really lucky.

Uh... okay.

I guess that's all I got.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[MOUTHS] All right, Mike.

RON: This is not a drill!

Car is approaching!

[CROWD "OOHS"]

♪

Stop! Stop! This is for you!

Welcome to Orson!

You're our th visitor...

[TIRES SCREECH, THUD]

[CROWD GASPS]

- Honey! Oh, my God!
- You okay?

- You all right?
- Oh, sweetie!

Don't worry. Turned out Ron was okay.

The Orson's Best gift basket
cushioned the blow.

And the point is,
we were all there for him.

♪

[CHATTER OVER TELEVISION]

I still can't get over what
an amazing speech that was.

Who knew you had it in you?

See, you should talk more.

Every so often, I have something to say,

and I say it.

Yeah, I kinda noticed that
you've been really loving

towards me and the kids lately.

Disturbingly loving.

I don't know,

I think the Bill and Paula thing

sorta shook me up.

Me, too. Who'd have thought?

God, I guess we're lucky
we found each other.

We're soulmates, right? One in a million.

I don't know about that.

What?

I mean, I'm glad it worked out,

but if I hadn't met you,

I'm sure I would've found someone.

Mike!

What?

There's millions of people in the world.

Are you saying I wouldn't have found one?

I'm not hideous.

Yes, and then you wouldn't have our kids.

Yeah, but I would have
other kids that I loved.

I would love whatever kids I had.

[SCOFFS] I can't believe you.

Even this whole town thing.

I mean, yeah, Orson's great and all,

but if I had lived somewhere else,

I'm sure I would've found
a lot of things to like

about that place, too.

There's hundreds of thousands
of towns across America.

It's a big place, Frankie.

[CHATTER CONTINUES]

Aww.

[SIGHS]