09x11 - New Years Revelations

[bunniefuu]

Hey! Thanks for the Christmas gift.

And by the way, nice try.

You're still not going to get
out of scratching my back.

You dropped foot rubbing.
But, yeah, that's right.

You're still going to have to touch me.

Mm. Want to know what my dad got me?

A trip with him in the car...
destination unknown.

That's weird, even for him.

He's probably going to
drag me up to Canada

to pick up some cheap arthritis medicine.

Or, if I'm really lucky,

he got a line on old
fax machines in French Lick.

I'm going to take the boys with
me in case it's something heavy.

You're taking Brick
to do the heavy lifting?

Eh, he can talk to my dad.

You're taking Brick to talk to your dad?

Well, I can't make Axl go and not Brick.

You're the one who's always telling me

I got to treat them fairly.

Hey, Axl, come here!

- Why?!
- 'Cause I said so!

Did you put another present
for me under the tree?

No, just come here.

You come here!

You're going on a trip
with Grandpa and me.

- So is Brick.
- What?!

- Where?!
- I don't know!

- How can you not know?!
- Don't we get a say in this?!

I gave you guys a chance to come
out here and you blew it.

- God!
- I'm pooping.

Those are the two you want to take?

Oh, I'm taking them.
Not sure I'm bringing them back.

Yep.

♪

Ohh, you're taking down
the Christmas tree?

That's how I know it's Valentine's Day.

Well, I'm on a new hormone I got
at the sale bin at Walgreens.

Gave me a burst of energy.

Oh.

- Mom.
- Yeah?

Okay, remember when I said
I liked somebody,

but I wasn't ready to tell you,

but I'd tell you
when the moment was right?

This is it? This is the moment?

- It's happening?
- It's happening.

Oh, my God!

Spill.

It's Sean.

Sean who? Sean Penn? Sean Connery?

Sean the bagger from the Frugal Hoosier?

Noooo.

[GASPS] Shut up!

Yeah, can you believe it?

This is crazy.

And I have to say, Sue,

I am so touched that you told me first.

I wonder if Sean told Nancy.

Oh, shut up, Frankie,
it's not a competition.

Okay, start from the beginning.
I want to hear everything.

Okay, well, I guess I've sort of
always had a crush on him.

That summer that he helped Axl
paint the garage.

Carly and I made them lemonade,
like, every day.

And I would always say, "Oh, do
you want it tart or sweet".

And Sean would say, "I want it
sweet, just like you, Suzy Q".

Aww!

But then I dated Darrin in high school.

Ugh. I can say that now.

But over the past couple years,

we've gotten to know each other more,

and he is always so nice

and he shows up when I need
a date for things.

And I never thought that he
viewed me as more than a friend,

but last night...

we kissed.

- [ORNAMENT SHATTERS]
- Oh, my gosh, are you okay?

Yeah, just bleeding.

Keep talking. I want to hear the details.

- Okay.
- So how was the kiss?

I've always imagined
he's a good kisser...

That sounds bad.

It was amazing!

I don't even know how to describe it.

Okay, remember when we were
driving to Axl's baseball game

and I saw a pack of baby deer

running underneath that double rainbow?

It was like that,
expect Dad wasn't yelling,

"We're not pulling over".

Oh, Sue, this is amazing.

I am so happy for you.

But then it just stopped.

What do you mean, "it stopped"?

Who stopped it? You stopped it
or he stopped it?

I don't know! I am so confused.

I don't even know if he likes me.

Of course he likes you.

People don't go around kissing
people they don't like.

And anyway, he started it, right?

He kissed you first?

Oh, come on, Sue.

You don't know who started it,
you don't know who stopped it.

This is not the best post-kiss
report I've ever heard.

I know!

But I might have leaned in first

and he maybe only kissed me back
to be polite.

It is a very Donahue thing to do.

Then once it stopped,

we just started apologizing
to each other.

Is that normal?

Do people apologize
for kissing people they like?

Only after you burp,
but that's much later.

Listen, of course he likes you.

I mean, you're a smart,
wonderful, adorable woman.

Any guy would be lucky to have you.

You really think so?

Absolutely.

- Thanks, Mom.
- Aww!

♪

Oh, got blood on your sweater.

That's okay. It's red.

Brick, come here!

May I help you?

Where did you come from?

I was literally here when you came in.

I asked you how your day was.

Ugh. Can't believe Dad's making
us go on this stupid trip.

I start my job next week.
I need this time to relax.

What about me? I'm finally off school.

It's my holiday.

Oh, what? It's your holiday?

What are you, British now?

Ooh, where are you holidaying?

I'm holidaying in the south of Orson.

I might pop across the pond
to Terre Haute

for some crumpets and tea.

Are you finished?

I'm sorry, Brick.

I just really don't want
to go on this trip.

On the plus side, every time we see

Grandpa Big Mike he gives us each $ .

Yeah, I guess, but five bucks

doesn't get you that much anymore.

I feel like he could kick it up a notch.

Well, he is pretty old.

He probably still thinks $
is a lot of money.

Of course he does!

Pretty sure he bought
his house for, like, $ .

But this is untenable, Brick.
That means not tenable.

Okay, let me think. Hold on.

Oh, okay. Here's the plan.

When we see Grandpa, drop a few hints.

You know, casually work
into the conversation

that things cost more these days.

I could mention bookmarks have gone

from a nickel to eight cents.

Have they ever done genetic testing on us

'cause I'd be very interested
in those results.

♪

You know, Dad, I gave up
my day off to drive you.

It doesn't seem like
an unreasonable request

to ask where we're going.

I paid for the gas.

Which, by the way,
has also gone up in price.

Our generation is really taking a hit.

So what you're saying, brother, is...

just to pick a number out of the air...

$ from yesteryear is equal to $ today?

Wow!

Wow is right.

FRANKIE: And then out of the
blue, a strange thing happened.

Did I ever tell you guys about the time

I traded my horse for a bike?

Grandpa Big Mike actually
started talking.

I was about years old...

And once he started, he couldn't stop.

...bike and I wanted one
in the worst way.

It's been a week, Brad, and not one word.

A week! That has to be a sign, right?

Brad, are you even listening to me?

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm still trying
to figure out

this socket wrench thingy
my dad got me for Christmas.

I asked for a yoga ball
and he gets me this.

You know what this means, right?

Sean obviously regretted the whole thing.

I don't know what to do.

I mean, I talked to my mom,

but she just gave me
the typical mom speech.

Let me guess, "You're beautiful

and any man would be lucky to have you".

I got the same speech from my mom.

You want me to go to the Donahues'?

I could say I'm selling tulip
bulbs for the Orson Theater

and see what the vibe is.

No, they're not even home.

The whole family went skiing in Michigan.

They wrap it up into community service

and pick up trash on the slopes.

Oh.

I just wish I knew
what Sean was thinking.

So just send him a casual text.

Do you guys have a text-y relationship?

Not really.

Okay, let's see.

The last thing I texted him was...

"My toenail is black.
Should I have it looked at?"

Well, he's studying to be a doctor.

You need to text him, Sue.
Why would anyone find this fun?

Ugh, well, I mean the case is nice.

I guess I could put
my stage makeup in it.

You're right, Brad.

I am not going to even think about it.

I'm just going to do it.

Okay. [CLEARS THROAT]

How do you do?

No! Oh, it auto-corrected to "Fliberdoo".

Oh, thank God. Who says, "How do you do"?

You're right. Got to keep is cazsh.

How are the slopes? Blopes?!

Ugh!

[PHONE VIBRATES]

Oh! He's answering! I can't look!

Tell me what it said.

"The blopes are fine. See you soon.

Dollar-sign, horse head".

Oh, my God, you guys are
both terrible texters.

You are made for each other.

Sue, I'm telling you.

This is a good sign he
wants to see you again.

Not necessarily. He's just being nice.

That's probably why he kissed me
in the first place.

You know what we need to do?

Send him a dolphin emoji?

No, definitely not.

We need to set up
another kiss opportunity.

And then if he kisses me again,
we'll know he really likes me.

I have an idea, but we need
an old streetcar,

a homeless saxophone player,
and racially diverse extras.

Hmm.

Oh! Oh, this is fun!

Oh, this'll be great for New Year's Eve.

Wait a sec. We just have to
get you and Sean

in the same room New Year's Eve.

Everyone knows at midnight
you kiss the person you like.

That is an amazing plan, Brad.

Oh, wait. Except everyone kisses
everyone on New Year's Eve.

Right, but you kiss the one that
means the most to you first.

You're right.

They were having a contest...

miles later and Big Mike
was still talking.

...and I was the only one in the county

who could swim across
the whole river and back.

And that's how I won my first ribbon.

Who put a quarter in you?

A quarter? If you put a quarter
in someone nowadays,

it would have to be at least $ . .

Sad, but true, Brick.

Here's another good one.

When Michael was just a baby,
he wouldn't stop crying.

And he cried so hard
that no sound would come out.

[MUTED] Bwah.

He was one whiny baby.

Okay, get on with the story.

Your mom had what these days

would be called "postnatal depression".

But back then we just called it
having a spell.

So your Aunt Violet
rode over on her tractor

to look after you during the night.

And I gave your mom a little vodka

and took her off to the church social.

The band played and I asked her to dance.

And it became our special song.

♪ On a clear day ♪

♪ Rise and look around you ♪

♪ And you'll see who you are ♪

♪ On a... ♪

Oh, there it is! There's the tree.

You can pull over now.

I want you to leave me here to die.

I've always been partial to this spot.

This is where I asked your mom
to marry me.

That's a great story, Dad,
but what the hell's happening?

Yeah, Grandpa, are you sick?

Not yet, but it's just a matter of time.

I'm sure the next few years

are not going to be pretty,
why belabor it?

I'd rather just lie down,

be covered by a blanket of snow,
and just drift away.

But what if you're still alive
in the morning?

Well, then, the next night'll
get me for sure.

Be a good boy and gather some leaves,

make a death-pillow for Grandpa.

Come on, Dad. Knock it off.

We don't want you to die.

Of course you don't 'cause you're next.

- Wait, Grandpa, what?
- You have so much to live for!

Like what?

Look, I've already told you my stories.

There's no point in dragging this out.

Alright, Dad,
if that's the way you want it.

See ya later.

- BRICK: Wait. What?!
- AXL: Dad, we can't just...

♪

Mom, I need to talk to you
about the Sean thing.

I didn't tell anyone.

Okay, I did tell
the receptionist at Curves,

but she lives two towns over.

Wait, you went to Curves?

Oh, no, I had to stop and get
my I.D. made for this year.

That way, I can park
in their parking spot

when I go to the donut shop
across the street.

So, what's up?

I need you to throw a New
Year's Eve party tonight.

What?! Tonight? Sue, that's crazy.

You don't throw a New Year's Eve
party at the last minute.

Besides, I just had a Christmas Eve party

and the only food I have are
these leftover baloney rolls,

which are suspect at best.

Well, Brad and I were talking

and we thought a good way
to figure out if Sean likes me

is if he kisses me for a second
time on New Year's Eve.

I mean, doesn't Dad always
kiss you on New Year's Eve?

Your dad's usually asleep by
: , but I suppose he would.

Eh, I can't guarantee it.

Mom, please!

I need to figure this thing out
one way or the other.

I can't go back to school
feeling this way.

My nerves can't handle it.
My stomach is all fliberdoo...

oh, that's why it auto-corrected to that.

[SIGHS]

Okay, clean the dog puke
in the back hallway

and fire up the bathroom candle.

The Hecks are having a party.

Oh!

♪

What are you doing?
We can't just leave Grandpa.

You're going to go back, right?

Why should I? He said he wants to die.

Oh, my God! Your family's so weird.

I'm so lucky I got Mom's genes.

What about me?! I feel like
I have more of Dad's.

It doesn't have to end this way!

He just needs a reason to live!

I could get him
into my "Planet Nowhere" books.

They're riveting!

I saw an old vacuum cleaner
on the side of the highway

a couple miles back!
I mean, he's too young to die!

He's got more stories to tell!

He never gave us the $ !

Did Grandma really get sick,

or did you leave her
in the woods, you monster?!

Keep your pants on back there.

I'm just trying to scare him.

Remember the time you guys were fighting,

I told you to get out of the car
and said you had to walk home?

We did walk home!

Point is, you learned a lesson.

No, we didn't.
We fought the whole way home.

We still fight to this day.
We've learned nothing!

Seriously, we can't play games here.

The temperature's dropping
and his skin is paper thin.

Relax, I'm turning around.

Boy, you guys are going to
be horrible fathers.

So we were throwing
our second party in a week,

all to get Sue her second kiss.

Happy New Year!

Wow, a Christmas Eve party and
now a New Year's Eve party?

If I didn't know any better,

I'd think you were trying to
move in on my territory.

You better not be having
a Valentine's Day party.

[LAUGHTER]

I'm serious. Don't.

Hey, Nancy, Ron, anybody
interested in appetizers?

I have some baloney rolls
in the dining room.

These aren't the same baloney rolls
we had on Christmas Eve, are they?

It's the same recipe.

It's not like I threw them
in the garage all week

to keep them cold.

♪

Hi.

Hi.

Hi!

Mrs. Donahue, party emergency!

We ran out of toothpicks
with the frilly ends!

Oh! What color do you need?

So how were the "blopes"?

Oh, well, it was Michigan,
so it was just one "blope".

Right.

Sean! Hey! I haven't seen you in forever!

Hey, Carly!

So nice that you could pop in, Carly.

- I know you got to run.
- Yeah.

Actually, I think I might stay
for the countdown.

Oh, no, sitters are expensive

and you got to get back home
to that baby of yours...

you know the choices we make
and all that.

[LAUGHS]

[COYOTE HOWLS]

[SIGHS] Alright, Dad,

enough's enough. Time to go home.

Dad?

Grandpa?

Oh, my God! You k*lled Grandpa!

- How could you let this happen?
- This is all your fault!

I was trying to scare him.

Hard to die with all
this racket going on.

Dad, you almost gave me a heart att*ck.

Come on, this is nuts.

Aside from being you,
you've got it pretty good.

You got a million reasons to live.

Like what?

[SIGHS] Well, all those malls
are closing down.

Those clothing racks
have got to go somewhere.

That's tempting, but you should
have said something months ago.

I'm already in the dying mood.

Why, Dad? You're completely fine.

Well, I already had you drive me up here.

We kind of put this whole thing
in motion.

I don't want to be a bother.

You don't want to be a bother?

Well, actually, Dad, if you die,

I got to buy a coffin,
I got to arrange a funeral,

call all the relatives,

think of something to write
on your tombstone.

Not to mention that
it's the middle of the winter.

We're going to have to
store you someplace

'til the spring when the ground thaws.

That's all going to be
a big pain in the butt.

Oh, I don't want to be a bother.

What are you standing around for, boys?

Help me up.

♪

♪

We don't have a chance in hell
of being normal.

♪

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

What's happening?

Sean and Sue were talking
by the refrigerator,

then she did one of those laughs
that turned into a snort

- and walked away.
- Oh, crap.

She's over there with Old Man Johnson.

He's probably talking her ear
off about his kitchen fire.

He thinks he's the first guy

whose toaster ever burst into flames.

She's too nice.
And you know what they say,

"Nice girls who waste their time
at parties talking to old men

instead of their cute neighbor
do not get kissed at midnight".

We need them together
at the stroke of midnight.

I've got to break this up.

Hey, Mike. Things are happening.

I can't tell you what,
but major stuff is going down.

[SIGHS] You know
what else is going down? Me.

Happy New Year.

No kiss.

Sorry to interrupt, Mr. Johnson.

I just had a couple follow-up questions

about your kitchen fire.

Ah, so and then I went
with the English muffin

instead of my traditional wheat toast.

Uh-huh.

And then... kaboom!

Excuse us, Mr. J.

Launch control to Houston,
we are a go for launch!

Oh, yeah.

Sue and Sean are strategically
placed near each other

and we've got five minutes 'til midnight.

It's going to be a...

Happy New Year!

Look who is home from college... Nicole!

She decided to keep her
newly-separated Dad company

on New Year's Eve.

Hey, you guys! Great to see you!

You got here just in time!

Wow, Nicole, I don't know what
the weather is like at Purdue,

but here in Orson, it's winter.

You must be freezing.

Let me help you.

There we go.

Great! That's better.

♪

[SCOFFS] Just FYI, those baloney rolls

have been in the garage for a week.

Oh. I don't have much
of an appetite anyway.

Dad pretending to drive away

while Grandpa pretended to be
dead really threw me.

Yeah, is ending
with a resounding "weird".

Mm-hmm. I kind of feel bad for Grandpa.

Maybe we should go over
and hang out with him.

I mean, I never thought of him
as a person before.

He was always just kind of
a cash-giving, hoarding old guy

whose scabs took forever to heal.

Yeah, he had really cool stories.

I can't believe he arm wrestled
that cop to get out of a ticket.

And she almost b*at him.

I bet he has more stories.

I know he has three beer fridges

and a very slippery moral compass.

I'll get my jacket!

Meet you outside.

It's one minute to midnight!

[ALL CHEERING]

Ah. Here we are again!

First Christmas Eve, now New Year's Eve.

It's like we can't stop spending
"eves" together.

One minute and it is so on.

Yeah, about Christmas Eve, I...

NICOLE: Sean Donahue!

Afghan down, exposed belly ring at : .

My dad has a picture on his phone

of our whole bus stop group
from th grade.

You have to come see it! It's hilarious!

- Um, well...
- Oh, dammit!

We have to get her away from him!

I got this. It's time for Brad
to get his flirt on.

- Where's you get that top?
- seconds!

Did I tell you about my kitchen fire?

♪

Happy New Year, Dr. Donahue!

I miss Paula. This is just
really been a rough time.

GUESTS: Nine! Eight! Seven! Six!

These baloney rolls are dynamite!

Four! Three! Two! One!

Happy New Year!

[HORNS BLOWING]

Aidan!

I got my shift covered

and I thought I'd come and surprise you.

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year! Yeah, oh my...

Hey, Sean, taking off?

You need to know something. I like Sue.

I've liked her for a long time,

and I know you don't like
your friends dating your sister,

but I'm through being a nice guy.

I don't know if she likes me
or if she doesn't like me,

but I'm not giving up.

May not happen tonight,
but it's going to happen.

♪

[SIGHS] Weird, weird night.

♪

♪