09x02 - Horse Play

[bunniefuu]

ADULT ADAM: Back in the ' s,

high school was a tricky place for me.

I didn't always enjoy the
acceptance of my classmates,

or the teachers, or the principal,

or the building.

But I had applied to my dream
school with my dream girl,

and our envelopes from NYU had arrived.

- Nervous?
- No.

I'm cool as a cucumber

that's been hot-brined and
barrel-aged for maximum flavor.

I'm your special pickle, baby.

Just part of the charm
of sharing this moment

with your family instead of my own.

Pish-posh, Brea.

Your mother's divorced.
She's got bigger fish to fry.

These envelopes are pretty thick.

They say that's a good sign.

Open the damn things, already!

BEVERLY: And tear!

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)

Oh, my God! I got in!

- Sweet balls! So did I!
- (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)

"Dear Brea Bee..."

"Dear Beverly Goldberg..."

Wait, yours says "Beverly Goldberg."

Ah, that's probably just a typo.

Whoo-hoo! We did it, Bevy!
They're in college!

Now they're society's problem.

I'm supposed to go to NYU as her?

Oh, look at Mr. Big Pants here.

Too good to go to college as his mom.

How would that even work?

We'll "Tootsie" you.

Bevy, get me a sparkling
red dress, some curlers,

and a bucket of makeup.

I need answers.
Why does NYU think I'm you?

Surprise! I applied to NYU and got in.

Yay! Dreams do come true.

Do they? Do they?

I mean, did I want to
spend the next four years

with my baby as
his best friend/study buddy?

Of course I did.

Did I think it would actually happen?

Of course, again.

And you thought this was a good idea?

What I was thinking is that
he shouldn't go to

his dream school without his dream girl.

- I'm gonna go.
- Run.

I would, too, if I didn't have
exercise-related asthma.

See you around the student
union, fellow Bobcat.

Roar!

- (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)
- Found a letter for you, Adam.

It was wedged in the pages
of my Us Weekly.

There's an article about
the guy inside Chewbacca.

Damn it, will you just give
him the obviously tragic news?

Okay, but it's thin.

I'm on the wait list.

It's not a total rejection.

Remember when we went to
Benihana for Erica's birthday

and we got on the wait list?

We ultimately got in.

At : .

Dad fell asleep and burnt his
forehead on the grill table.

And they were out of
hibachi butter garlic shrimp.

All they had was hibachi
butter sea salt shrimp.

Why even call yourself
a place of business?

Damn it, Bevy, you gotta fix this!

BEVERLY: Don't worry.

Just like I wrote in my NYU essay,

I'm a glass-half-full gal
who enjoys problem solving.

You better.
I am so frickin' worked up right now!

(GRUNTS)

It's too thick.

So many words of acceptance!

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪

♪ But nonetheless
I feel the need to say ♪

♪ I don't know the future ♪

♪ But the past keeps getting
clearer every day ♪

ADULT ADAM: It was September ,
-something,

which was Geoff's dad's birthday.

And Erica was a little nervous.

Are you sure he's gonna like it?

How could he not?

You found a way to combine
his love of racehorses

with his awareness of pillows.

It's just that now
I'm officially gonna be

a part of the family,

I really need your dad to like me.

Don't be silly, you silly silly.

That's way too many sillies, Geoff.

- That's always been your tell.
- So silly.

ADULT ADAM: But over the years,

Geoff's dad had hardly
been Erica's number-one fan.

Why are you mowing my lawn?
It's the middle of the winter!

Who gives the gift of song
when the gift of song

has already been given?

The only reason Geoff is
in this mess is because

of your terrible influence,
and it stops now.

Silly memories!

ERICA: Happy birthday, Lou!

Please, dear. It's Dr. Lou Schwartz.

Anyway, I made you this.

Oh.

A pillow with a horse on it.

That is Triple Crown winner
Seattle Slew.

That muscular thoroughbred
took me days to sew,

and he tossed it in the broom closet.

That's where he tosses
all his favorite gifts.

Louie!

Erica's birthday airball
is the perfect segue

to my gift.

This is very exciting!

This certificate entitles the bearer

to one... (CHUCKLES)

...game of Horse against me,
which I will dominate.

To be arranged around
Barry's schedule and mood.

And Horse tracks with my love of horses.

Is that a b*mb Pop wrapper?

It doesn't matter what it's on,

it's a sacred covenant between two men.

One of whom has a blue tongue.

Hope you saved some room
for my famous waffles.

(LAUGHS) I did not,
but that won't stop me.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Oh, God.

What the hell was that?

Hey, who else heard "waffles,"

the pancake's geometric cousin?

Stop. He hated my gift.

Obviously.

A horse pillow? After what you did?

What did I do? Geoff?

Oh, come on. You know.
It was high school.

My parents were out of town.

Joanne threw that party,
and you took my dad's

two prized porcelain Clydesdales and...

- Posed them like they were doing it.
- What? No, I didn't.

Oh, why are you denying it?

Okay, it was the one moment in our lives

I actually respected you.

That's why your dad's been
cold to me all these years?

Because of some little
horsy hanky-panky?

Not just that.

Turned out when he separated
the delicate figurines,

Champ had broken his hind leg.

- Champ?
- Champ and Dottie.

They're actually brother and sister.

Anyway, he was able to glue it back on,

but you could still see
the tiny fracture,

or at least my dad could.

Well, I'm so sorry for him and Champ,

but why would anyone think that was me?

'Cause Joanne saw you do it.

- Uh-huh.
- Well, she couldn't have,

because I wasn't even at that party.

Oh, I know what happened.

- I did it and said that it was you.
- What?

Yep. I'm a scamp.

But all's well that ends well. (LAUGHS)

Yes.

As if I needed any more proof
I'm with the right lady.

Aww. Waffles, babe.

ADULT ADAM: While Erica had learned
she had taken the fall for Joanne,

my mom was ready to spring into action.

We need to talk.

So sorry in advance.

Damn it, door, you have one job!

Are you eating your own
personal pan cookie?

I eat one every day.

That seems like too much.

Does being happy seem like too much?

Enough about the man's
giant daily cookie.

Adam was wait listed at NYU.

And here's another headline, she got in.

But you're his mother.

She got the big envelope and everything.

All my ears and whiskers!
The big envelope?

That's the real deal.

Well, it's nice to be wanted,

but we're hoping,
as his guidance counselor,

you can arrange for him to take my spot.

What a fun and outlandish solution.

(LAUGHS)

Unfortunately, the world
doesn't work that way at all.

Brea's gonna have to give you her spot.

Now, do you want to talk to her,

- or is that a Mama-do?
- Not that, either.

Mr. G, NYU is my dream school.
I'll do anything.

I get it, but the admissions
people need to get it, too.

Fine. Adam, we're gonna
get you into college,

but first, go make a pishy.

It's gonna be a long drive.

You both can't go.

You're right.

Schmoo, wait for me at home.

No stove or scissors till I get back.

Please listen.

It has to be Adam and Adam alone.

The admissions people need to see that

he can advocate for himself.

Or I call them and tell them
how good he is

at advocating for himself.

There you go, Mama.
No wonder you got in.

Adam needs to do this on his own.

- But with his mama.
- No.

Looks like it's time
for this guy to step up.

But first, she was right
about that pishy.

ADULT ADAM: I had gotten some
much-needed clarity,

but Erica was still confused.

Not only am I wrongly blamed

for putting your father's
porcelain horses

in unspeakable positions,

but worse, you thought I did it.

Well, in my defense,

I actually kind of liked
that you did it.

What are you saying right now?

I'm saying I like bad girls.

Like Olivia Newton-John in Grease,

when she was pretending
to be someone she wasn't.

Ooh-la-la.

Oh, my God. You don't even
know what a bad girl is.

Hey! Ooh, that horse shindig
was fun, wasn't it?

The hell it was.

Oh, are you still upset I haven't
told my dad I made his ponies dirty?

That was like minutes ago.
Get over it.

It's been years,

years of your father's
passive aggressive resentment.

You have to tell him.

I hear you, but here's the
thing, I don't want to.

See, things used to be pretty tense

between me and old Lou.

You know how he calls me Jojo now?

Well, he used to call me a bad girl.

Like Olivia Newton-John in Grease.

Have either of you
actually seen that movie?

Like when she comes back
with those black pants,

and her hair's all piled up?

Ooh-la-la, right?

Erica, you wouldn't want a silly thing

like the truth getting between
a father and a daughter.

Especially now.

I mean, things between us
have never been better.

Still, all the negative feelings
that he would have had for you,

he's had for me.

In my defense,
I never thought you'd figure it out.

Well, I have, and now
my relationship with your dad

is just supposed to suffer
for the rest of my life?

No. Just until he dies. Or you die.

Or I die.

God, it's funny how death is
the answer to so many problems.

I have the perfect solution.

We can't let Erica take the blame,

- because she didn't do it.
- Thank you.

And we can't let Joanne take the blame,

because she's adorably difficult.

I got the right fella.

- Then who, Barry?
- Someone else.

Well, that narrows it down.

You need specifics?

- Buddy Kaplan.
- Who?

He was this huge math geek in our class.

God only knows what happened to him.

We throw the blame on Buddy,

and all of Erica's problems are solved.

- This can't be our best option.
- I like it.

Yeah, because it's not you.

God, I just love
how close we're getting.

ADULT ADAM: Yep, Joanne
refused to plead guilty.

Meanwhile, I was making my case to NYU.

Excuse me, Dean Martin?

I'm wait listed applicant
Adam F. Goldberg.

I have an appointment.

Ah, yes. Mr. Goldberg.

Here we are.

We'll let you know.

That's quicker than I expected.

Well, there's not really a lot to say.

It's just a process
that needs to play itself out.

But you got to let me in.

I'm totally NYU Film School material.

Perhaps you missed my k*ller essay?

Was it about the first time
you held a video camera

and you knew what you
wanted to do with your life?

- Wow. I guess it really stood out.
- It didn't.

But I took the bus here.

The guy next to me had a snake.

It wasn't a pet.
I think he just found it.

Mr. Goldberg, the students
are admitted for a reason.

I'm talking about unique life stories,

personal achievements,
overcoming obstacles.

Did you not hear
my harrowing snake bus tale?

I assume you're from an
upper-middle-class, suburban family?

Well, I wouldn't say upper.

Both our houses, regular and
beach, are fairly modest.

We are looking for people
who have thrived

despite real obstacles.

I got a crazy amount of those.

I just need a little time to
narrow them down. But I'll be back.

Or you'll patiently wait
for our response.

Ha! I just got roasted by Dean Martin.

ADULT ADAM: So I gathered
the people who knew me best

to remind me of some of the
many difficulties I'd overcome.

Okay. Obstacles. What do we got?

Uh, that substitute PE teacher

did make you jump rope in gym.

Not really. I just had to
collect all the jump ropes.

But they did get into a nasty tangle

which took well into
my snack period to undo.

Oh, you were the most beautiful
little boy in kindergarten.

How is that an obstacle?

Well, a lot of the other
parents got quite miffed

'cause I kept saying it.

You said b*ating "The Legend of Zelda"

took way longer than you thought.

You're thinking of "Zelda II:
The Adventure of Link," silly.

Right. I am silly.

What about that time you
were homesick at space camp?

Really, Dave Kim?

You think my biggest challenge
was high-fiving

American hero John Glenn?

Is anybody seeing an alarming trend?

Video games, space camp.
Adam's kind of a nerd.

Brea Bee, I will run over your bike.

Wait, she's right. I am a nerd!

No offense, man, but you don't
have the grades to be a nerd.

Better! I'm an underachieving nerd.

Yes! My baby will overcome
the sheltered privilege I provided!

ADULT ADAM: Joanne didn't want
to take the blame

for disgracing Lou's horses,

so they did the next best thing

and blamed a complete stranger.

Buddy Kaplan? Really?

That's what we're all
saying here, I guess.

Mm-hmm.

But more importantly, I didn't do it,

so you can now see me
as the wonderful addition

to your family that I am
and we can all move on.

I wish I could, but
Buddy Kaplan's my accountant.

- You know him?
- Know him?

We trust him with our life savings.

Not anymore! I'm f*ring him immediately!

You can't fire Buddy!

He was a child then,

and now he's an adult
with a child's name.

Don't be stupid, son.

Sure, he's got four foster kids,

but I'm not employing someone
who'd make my ponies

perform acts against
their gentle nature.

Who knew the fate of so many lives

could be affected by those
little porcelain dolls?

I know, right?

A butterfly flaps its wings
in one part of the world,

and now Buddy Kaplan
has to send his foster kids

back into the system.

It wasn't Buddy Kaplan.

The person who did it was...

- Randy Sperling.
- Our lawyer?

He and Buddy set up our trust!

Why are you guys insistent on
hiring so many young people?

I am a sucker for a young man
in Haggar slacks.

It is a handsome pant.

But now we have to
let the whole team go.

Fine. I'll tell you who really did it,

but your heart's gonna be
shattered into a million pieces.

It was me!

Geoffrey?

The able bearer of the Schwartz name?

That's right. I'm a nasty boy,

and I like nasty horse business.

LOU: Then show me, Geoffrey.

Show me exactly
how the horses were posed.

Well, they were...
They were face to face.

And then their giant horse lips met,

and it was a magical,
consensual evening.

Not even close.

It was a tangle of equine anatomy

from muzzle to hindquarters.

Fine. Barry did it.

- Really?
- Why not?

If you ask me, you're both
covering for someone else.

Lou, don't get yourself worked up again.

Th is just about
some silly ceramic horses.

I've seen them at trade shows
for over $ !

- Each?
- For an unsullied pair,

which these are no longer, Erica.

You know what? It was me, actually.

I took... I took Champ and Dottie here

and I mashed them together, sexy-style.

I just...

Ohh! My loving treasures!

I'm sorry. (SIGHS)

At least now you have
a real reason to hate me.

Happy birthday.

ADULT ADAM: Erica's horseplay had
put her deeper in Lou's doghouse.

Meanwhile, I was about to give the dean

a dog and pony show of my own.

I figured out what I've overcome.

The need to knock when
you don't have an appointment?

Zing, Deano.

Actually, I'm here to prove to you

that I've endured the greatest adversity

in modern society.

Nerdiness.

I see.

And who is this with you?

This lovely lady is my girlfriend

and incoming NYU freshman Brea Bee.

She's here for moral and easel support.

So you're socially challenged,

but somehow managed to land
this gorgeous woman?

Please, she may be a New York ,

but she's a Jenkintown .

- Adam!
- Sorry!

But the stakes are high!

You know you're a fox.
Let me have a little sunshine.

So you think NYU should let you
in because you like Star Wars?

More like love.

(BEEPING)

That's R -D .

- Brea, you're on.
- Nerd alert! Nerd alert!

You do realize that Star Wars

is the most popular movie
franchise of all time, right?

But I, like, really like it.

You also threw "video games" up there.

Isn't that something
every teenage boy enjoys?

But I, like, really like them.

You also wrote "glasses,"
something I wear.

Are you saying that I'm a nerd?

Gah!

Why is this impossible?
I mean, she got in.

- Adam!
- You know what I mean.

(SCOFFS) No, I don't, actually.

I have better grades, test
scores, and extracurriculars.

Not to mention a better essay.

That thing about divorce?

Boo-hoo, you have two Christmases.

You know what?
Find someone else to hold your easel.

The easel stands on its own.

I needed you to flip the pictures!

So did I do it? Am I in?

ADULT ADAM: As my dreams
of NYU were crumbling,

Lou was trying to pick up the pieces

of his little horses.

Champ's ear is completely gone.

The only silver lining is

you can't hear my despair, buddy.

Ugh. It's time for me
to do the right thing.

I've glued Champ's tail
to Dottie's snout.

God forgive me.

Daddy.

I have some upsetting news.

More upsetting than the
Frankenhorse I just created?

The truth is, it was me.

What?

I'm the one who originally
posed your ponies.

So now you know who to be angry with.

Oh.

It's water under the bridge.

- (CHUCKLES)
- Wait, it is?

Am I happy she broke them?
Of course not.

But she was just a girl.
Kids make mistakes.

But you've been torturing Erica

for years over these horses,

and suddenly "kids make mistakes"?

You're a mistake!

I don't know what that means,

but I don't like your aggressive tone.

I don't know what
your problem is with Erica,

but she's gonna be my wife,
and you better get over it.

ADULT ADAM: While Geoff had
finally stood up to his dad,

I was falling all over myself
trying to get Brea

- to forgive me.
- (LINE RINGING)

Damn it!

Careful, Schmoo, you're gonna
damage your cheeseburger phone.

What's the point of
a whimsical novelty item

if the love of my life won't talk to me?

I'm right here. Oh.

Here, let me make everything
better with a forever hug.

But it doesn't change the fact
that my life is ruined.

We'll get you into a better school,

one that's even closer.

For one second, can you stop
thinking about how this affects you?

It's my dream to go to NYU with Brea.

Now I don't have either.

I'm sorry. I get it.

Let's figure this out.

Well, there's always the classic
big, romantic gesture.

That's brilliant.

That fuss-bottom dean will love that.

I meant for Brea.

But why not use
your seductive boy powers

to charm your way into NYU?

That's not an altogether terrible idea.

I have charmed my way
into the heart of many ladies

who are way out of my league.

Why not an academic institution?

And the moment you
knock that dean sideways

with your song and dance razzle dazzle,

she'll let you in,

and Brea will be right behind you.

Well, that's impossibly optimistic,

but I got nothing else.

Yay! Ha-ha! Mama solved it.

Your forever hug is now forever kisses.

- Aw, no.
- (SMOOCHING)

The ones by my ears are so loud.

ADULT ADAM: Having fallen
further down NYU's wait list,

it was time to take a big swing.

- Here we go.
- Oh, no.

It's not another pathetic
attempt to beg my way in.

Then what is it?

It's this.

(FOREIGNER'S WAITING FOR
A GIRL LIKE YOU PLAYS)

Are you serenading me?

Just let me and my pals
in the soft rock supergroup

Foreigner explain everything.

(OFF-KEY) ♪ I've been waiting ♪

♪ For NYU ♪

- ♪ To come into ♪
- (MUSIC STOPS)

And that's enough.

Because you're swayed by my
passionate musical appeal?

I'm gonna give it to you straight.

I can't date an applicant.

What? No. No, no, no, no.

This romantic gesture
isn't a romantic gesture.

Am I flattered? Yes.

I mean, maybe even a little curious.

Oh, don't be.

You know, I work late. I live alone.

I mean, and I'd be lying
if I said I didn't sometimes

long for another's touch.

Enough. This stops here.

Mom! You're supposed to wait in the car!

Did you not hear his beautiful song?

That is how much he wants you.

Hold on. You're his mother,
and you put him up to this?

Damn right I did.

My baby knows what he wants,
and I want him to have it.

Mom, please!

Remember what Mr. Glascott said
about doing this on my own?

To hell with Glascott.

I got accepted into this school
with barely a high school diploma.

Wait, you applied to NYU so you could

go to college with your son,
and you got in?

Let's just say I get what I want,

and right now, I want you
to do your [Bleep] job!

That blazer's disgusting.

(DOOR CLOSES)

So...

That's my mom.

Wow.

She's a lot.

Maybe you have dealt with
a significant obstacle.

What are you saying?

I'm just saying maybe I underestimated

what you've overcome in life.

FYI, my dad's no picnic either.

You know what?

I'm gonna give your
application another look.

That's amazing!

And just know, from now on,
my door is always shut.

And you should know that won't stop me.

ADULT ADAM: With that,
I realized that, thanks to my mom,

I'd still have a sh*t at NYU.

Yep, sometimes the people
we love help us

in unexpected ways.

Hey.

...Is for horses. Don't remind me.

Yeah, about that.

Um, I've got someone here
who wants to talk to you.

Dr. Lou Schwartz?

Again, I am so, so sorry.

Call me Lou.

And I'm the one
who should be apologizing.

Wait, what?

Look, Geoff is my special boy.

I love him with all my heart.

Me too.

That's just it.

When you started dating, it just...

I don't know, felt like a loss.

It's a parent thing.
It's hard to explain.

I think I get it.

But I took it out on you,
and that's unforgivable.

No, it's not.

Forgiving is what family does.

You know, Geoff has always
known what he's doing.

I was worried that
I was losing my sweet son.

Turns out, I was gaining
a wonderful daughter.

Yep.

I'm always right.

ADULT ADAM: Truth is, we're all
trying to work through things.

Sometimes, it's letting go
of mistakes from the past.

Don't do it. Big, romantic gestures
don't always work.

Believe me, I know.

I'm just so sorry.

The idea of not spending
the next four years with you

has made me crazy,

and I took it out on the wrong person.

Well, I guess that kind of makes sense.

I accept your apology.

Will you also accept my congratulations?

I haven't told you
how happy and proud I am

that you made it into NYU.

They're so lucky to get you.

Well, they're gonna be
lucky to get you, too.

I'm not giving up hope.

Me neither.

(BELL RINGS)

ADULT ADAM: And, sometimes,
it's holding on to dreams of the future.

In the end, when you have the support
of the people who love you most,

you're already in the winner's circle.

♪ To come into my life ♪

While our fingers are crossed for NYU,

let's take a look at
some of your back-ups.

How do you feel about Tulane?

Oh, New Orleans.

Ah, the Big Easy.
Po'boys with my boy. Mm.

What else you got?

There's Northwestern.

Ooh, Chicago, home of the Bears.

Mama and baby.

University of Miami?

Well, if the rhythm doesn't
get you, my nom-noms will.

Is there anywhere I can go next
year where she can't follow me?

Well, there is this
all-male Jesuit school

- in northern Minnesota.
- Set up the interview.