02x14 - Kevin Can Date

[bunniefuu]

I gotta say, this is pretty nice.

It really is, you know?

And you know what we should do

next Saturday is batting cages.

- Oh, I like that.
- I don't play baseball.

You don't have to. They got mini golf.

They got go-karts. You're gonna...

You're gonna find something.

I promise. All right. Here we go.

We got "Danger Mountain Two" on Netflix.

Let's make it happen, all right?

We never saw part one.

Oh, no problem. I'll fill ya in.

Oh! He is so good at this.

Here it goes. Ready? [CLEARS THROAT]

A guy comes into town
looking for a girl.

Another guy says, "You
talking about Mojita?"

He's like, "I am." He's like,
"You'll never find her."

He finds her. Right?

He goes out there. He's
like, "I love you", but

I can't take this," and
she's like, "What?"

She takes out a g*n.

He's like "No!" She's like, "Yes!"

He's like "No!" She's like, "Yes!"

Boom! She sh**t him.

- Oh!
- Right there... bang!

He goes down like a... Like that, right?

But he doesn't die.

And here's the twist...

He's her brother.

But that's not the big twist!
They're both clones!

Then they go on a journey of revenge.

Everybody dies. The end.

- [SIGHS]
- Here we go.

Wow!

- I feel like I just saw that movie.
- Yeah, it's good.

Why do they call it "Danger Mountain"?

I'm not sure. I feel asleep
during the mountain part.

You know what? I'll get us
some drinks for this one.

- What do you want?
- Anything flammable.

This is the third Saturday in a row

that we've been out with him.

When are you gonna tell him it's weird?

I can't. Do you see how happy he is?

Oh, he's not the one who's happy.

- You are.
- Yeah, I know,

and it's k*lling you, isn't it?

Fine. Hey, Kev.

KEVIN: Yeah?

We might pass on the movie.

I know what you mean.
Look what I got in the mail.

"Motocross Mamba: Dirt
Bikes and Desert Snakes."

- Oh, I heard that's great!
- It's unbelievable!

♪ I am not your ordinary guy ♪

- Hi.
- Hi.

I have a : appointment.

Yes, hello. You must be Rebecca.

- I am.
- I'm Vanessa Cellucci.

- Have a seat.
- Thank you.

Oh, crap on a cr*cker.

Is that a Marchetti?

[SIGHS] Yeah, actually it is.

Oh, my God. I love them.

Like, love them more than
I would love a child.

[LAUGHS] Pr... I mean, prob...
I'm just guessing.

Actually, I'm not guessing.
I would lo... I would!

[CHUCKLES] Well, I work for the company.

I handle their East Coast sales, so...

So you get, like, a
crazy discount, right?

Yeah, well, they actually
just kind of gave me one.

- They gave you that one?
- Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. So, I'm sorry. It's okay.

Uh, you mentioned something on

the phone about an ex-boyfriend?

Yeah. Uh, it was a bad break up.

- Mm-hmm.
- You know, restraining order.

- Yeah.
- Anyway, I need someone

to serve him these legal documents

- as soon as possible.
- Okay.

And obviously, I can't do it myself

- because I've got this...
- Hi. How you doing?

Uh, listen do we have one
of those Tide pen things?

Me and Rootger went to Arby's and...

Look, you know the rest, so just...

Okay. Uh, Kevin, this is Rebecca Romero.

- Nice to see you.
- Rebecca, this is Kevin Gable,

my partner, and he was just about

to apologize for interrupting.

Actually, you should try seltzer water.

Really? Does it work on barbecue sauce?

Yeah. Probably, yeah.

That's great 'cause I got a
separate pants situation at home.

[LAUGHS]

Last week, I almost
lost a plate of ribs,

but I saved them with my thighs!

[LAUGHS]

All right, I'll try the seltzer.

- Thanks for the tip.
- Okay.

How do you not cr*ck up
working with him all day?

Oh, I find a way.

[LAUGHS]

- Wow! [SIGHS]
- Yep! I know.

He's a lot coming at you
all at once, right?

I like it.

Oh. Okay.

Yeah. Yeah, he's...
He's funny, confident.

I-I hope I'm not out of line for asking,

but... but wh-what's his situation?

Wait. Are you... Are you guys to...

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Oh, no, no. No.

So, what... what...
What's... what's his type?

Do you think he'd be interested?

Okay, w-we're... we are talking
about the same guy, right?

The one that was just
in here with the stains

- and the whole thing?
- Yeah!

Yeah, I just... I feel like
he has this warmth to him

like a big blanket that
makes you feel safe,

you know?

You see, I get more of a
beanbag chair on wheels.

You know what I mean?

How it moves around a lot.

You what I mean? No?

Listen, if you like him, why
don't you go talk to him?

Maybe you could... You could, you

know, put in a good word for me?

Oh, I'm sorry. I was just...
I was just looking at the bag.

Mm-hmm. I just... [CHUCKLES]

Do you know if it comes with
the matching makeup case?

- It does. It does.
- It does.

- And you got that one for free?
- I did.

And I might just have
an extra one in my car.

Then, yes, I can talk to him.

I can talk to him.

- You're supposed to blot.
- I am blotting.

- Thank you.
- Yes, thank you so much for coming in.

It was so good to meet you.

- You too.
- All right. Bye, Kevin.

Be good.

Okay. [CHUCKLES]

Do you even know what "blotting" means?

Do you know what it means? Honestly.

Well, yes, I do know what it means.

Do they have blotting where you're from?

Okay. All right.

Hate to break up the Mensa meeting,

but can I... can I, uh,

- can I talk to you for a second?
- What's up?

Well, just wanted to get
your thoughts on Rebecca.

- My thoughts? She's a client.
- Yeah.

If the check clears, I'm happy.
Those are my thoughts.

Well, the thing is, is
that we were talking,

and she thinks you're cute.

ROOTGER: What?!

Well, I'm baffled! Think about it...

Your level is right here.

If you look at her... Boom!

- Right there, maybe even there.
- Okay, I get it. I got it.

- Big space.
- I get where you're going.

Thank you. Thank you.

- I understand.
- I will handle... I will handle this!

- Thank you!
- You don't have to handle anything.

Thank you, okay? I'm not...

Look, I'm... I'm not ready to do this

yet. I don't want to go out with her.

Why? You got to get out there.

- What are you talking...
- Why not just jump in there,

go on a date with her?
She's beautiful, and, by the way,

- such a sweet girl.
- I'll tell you why I can't...

'cause I would need six months

to get back into dating shape, minimum.

And that's every day on my Ab Blaster.

Every day!

She likes you just the way you are.

Don't be selfish. We need this.

- "We"?
- I mean you. You need it.

You got to start dating!

Just the other night, he had

a double date with Mott and his wife.

By himself?

That's not a double date.
That's a third wheel!

Oh, hey, they penciled
me in for a re-date,

so somebody's doing
something right, okay?

Look, even if I were to go out
with her and say I wanted to,

I'd have to... I'd have
to run it by the kids,

and I'm gonna tell you right now,

they would not be okay with it.

- Totally okay with it!
- Yeah.

Yeah, it'd be weird if you didn't go.

You see? They want you to go.

They're just putting on a brave face.

No, these are our faces.

Look, we've been telling
you you should go.

I understand that, but I-I...

Tonight, it just doesn't
feel like the right time.

Okay. Maybe we'll do it another night.

No, no. Kevin, you're getting nervous!

Now, it's the first time that you're...

You're dipping your toe
in the dating pool.

It's gonna be fine. I promise you, okay?

Just no cellphones 'cause that's rude.

Oh, and make sure to make eye contact.

Uh-huh. And compliment her shoes.

Tip %.

Let 'em know you're a player, player.

You know what? Now you're
making too big a deal of this.

- It's okay.
- All right.

- Hey!
- Oh-ho-ho!

You got to be kidding me!

So, what are you wearing?
Give us a spin!

Sorry, guy. I didn't want
to come. She made me.

You look great, Dad.

Thanks, but why is everybody here?

It's your first date in years.
I mean, that's exciting.

Yes, I harken back to when Kendra and I

first went out, uh, and
I will never forget

you leaned across the
table and said to me...

Holy crap. Is that a Marchetti?

Uh, no, she complimented
me on my bolo tie

and said that I looked like I
could be in Rascal Flatts.

So, did you, uh, do
the cologne sandwich?

- What?
- My move, you know?

Put some cologne on, you hop on

the elliptical for minutes,

slap some more cologne on.

Works every time.

Then why are you here alone
on a Saturday night?

Because my elliptical is broken.

Take me aside next time, guy.

So, where are you guys going?

Just a restaurant.

Gonna take her for dinner and

then I'm coming home. That's it.

Wait. No! You gotta go out after.

You have to make a night out of it.

Hey! [GASPS] You should take her

to an escape room!

A what?

It is a thrilling,
high-intensity challenge

where you're locked inside a room,

and you have to solve a-a series

of intricate puzzles just to escape!

Wish me luck, everybody!

- Bye!
- Good luck.

♪

[CLEARS THROAT]

You look nice.
I, uh... I like your hair.

- Oh.
- It's got, uh... good sheen.

- Yeah.
- Yeah. Yeah.

I'm not really sure what that means.

I saw it in a commercial
once, but it's good.

[CHUCKLES] Oh, thank you. Thank you.

Uh, you... You look really nice, too.

Thank you. I just, uh...

Just threw it on last minute, you know?

I, uh... I'm lying. I am lying. [LAUGHS]

I w... I went through like five changes.

- It was weird. Yeah.
- Huh. Only five?

Oh, well, if we're being
completely honest,

I think I tried on
everything in my closet.

Okay, well, if I'm being honest,

I-I sat down really slowly tonight

because I was super nervous,

and I put on a bunch of baby powder...

- 'cause I sweat a lot...
- Oh.

And... and I was worried
if I sat down too quick,

it might look like Mount St. Helens.

Oh!

Well, honestly, I did see a little poof,

but I just thought your chair was

dusty, so don't worry about it.

- No. That was all me.
- [BOTH CHUCKLE]

But I'm dry as an infant.

All right, let's get some calamari.

- What do you say?
- Okay, yeah.

♪

- Hey.
- Hey.

Is Jim here?

Yeah, he's in your office,
but, uh, I'm confused.

Why are we working at night?

We had to lure Rebecca's
ex-boyfriend here

so we can serve him
the papers. It's a sting.

Okay, but, uh, he says he's here

to pick up concert tickets
he won on the radio.

That's the sting.

- Okay.
- It's a cop trick.

You know, you tell someone
they won something,

they show up to collect, and

that's when you put the hook in.

Sorry. Am I in the right place?

I was supposed to be picking
up Brooks & Dunn tickets.

Oh.

I'm so sorry, Jim.

The concert's been cancelled,

but you did win these...

Some legal papers from Rebecca Romero.

- Rebecca?
- Yeah.

Okay. She's not here, is she?

Why? I'm sorry. Are you scared of

violating your restraining order?

No, I have a restraining
order against her.

Okay, like you expect
us to believe that.

- We weren't born tomorrow, my friend.
- Okay.

Here.

See for yourself.

Oh. Okay. This looks kind of legit.

Does she even work for the
Marchetti handbag company?

No, but she has been
arrested for stealing them.

I have the receipt for this.

I'm telling you...

She is psychotic.

Once she latches on, she doesn't let go.

Four out of her last five exes

have restraining orders against her.

What happened to the fifth?

"Fell off a cruise ship."

We probably could've used
this info a few hours ago.

[CELLPHONE VIBRATES]

Hey, I-I think your
phone's buzzing again.

Oh.

It's Vanessa.

It's like the fifth time she's called.

Oh, well, maybe you should just get it.

Nah. No, she said I should be

a gentleman and not be
on my phone. She's right.

She's probably just testing me.

Well, guess what...

Mm! Just passed.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Hey, can I be honest with you?

Yeah, that... That's our thing.

This place is a little too fancy for me.

- I'm kind of a simple girl.
- Me too!

I mean, not the "girl" part,
but, yeah, I'm simple as well.

It's like... like... I don't like...

It's too much going on in here.

The flowers, the... the double...
Who double plates?

W-Whatever you were gonna put in this,

just put it in this. Get rid of it.

Do you want to get out of here?

H-H-Have you ever been to,
uh, All American Burger?

No, but I'm listening.

Okay. First of all, they
have the greatest burgers,

but they also have fried shrimp,
which is odd, but it works.

- I'm telling you!
- Let's do it!

Let's do it. Okay.

"Mom, I think I found my soul mate."

- [CHUCKLES] That's funny.
- [LAUGHS] Yeah.

And send.

Okay, now, the waiter
said they just left,

but he overheard them talking

about going to a burger place.

That could be anywhere on the island.

[SIGHS] No, he's with a girl,

so he's gonna try to show off.

- All American Burger.
- All American Burger. Got it.

- [ENGINE STARTS]
- I can't believe this.

Wow!

You called it.

- Mm. This is pretty incredible.
- Yep. You know what it is?

It's... It's the meat-to-bun ratio.
It's on point.

And the fact that they don't
use lettuce and tomato,

it's a celebration of what isn't.

- Wow!
- Mm-hmm.

- You've really thought about this.
- Yeah.

[SIGHS]

That's what I love about you.

You know what it is?

Most people just...

They just eat their food,

you know, but I like to...

to know how things work, you know?

Mm. That's why if you
have some time one day,

I'd love to tell you
about why Taco Bell's

Cheesy Gordita Crunch
is the perfect food.

Awesome! We can grab
a bunch for the ride

when we head upstate for Thanksgiving.

Mm-hmm.

What's that now?

Thanksgiving. It's huge in my family.

Yeah, it's... huge in a...
In a lot... lot of families.

Um... y-you think we're kind of getting

ahead of ourselves on this one?

If this is gonna work, you know,

we... we need to plan things.

And... And I know.

It's just that, um...

It's like, uh, months
away still, so...

Yeah! Planning!

And this year, my brother
gets out of jail,

so it's gonna be a big one.

I can't believe this.

Kevin's on his first date in years,

and the girl's a nut job!

This is all my fault.

Oh, come on now. It's not your fault.

Although you did push him quite a bit.

By the way, would you mind

picking up the pace, Grandma?

Hey, I'm not gonna get pulled over.

I don't even have a license.

♪

Mm! Man, I'm full.

[YAWNS LOUDLY]

Tired.

Should probably get going, huh?

Oh. Get you home.

I ruined the night, didn't I?

[SIGHS] I was too pushy.

I-I do that all the time.

No, no. No, no, no, no, no.

Not at all. Not at all.

I finally meet a great guy,

and then... And then I ruin it.

Trust me, I'm... I'm not that great.

Can I be honest?

I am not well liked in my community.

I'm not, and I know we joked

about the baby powder before,

but truth is,

I do need it.

It's a medical condition.

They don't even know what's
going on down there.

[SIGHS] You're so sweet and honest.

Can... Can we just start fresh

and... and... and have fun
for the rest of the night?

I really can be fun.

Yeah. Yeah, of course.

Um, you know, my son-in-law,

he... he... He brought up about

going to, like, an escape room.

I don't know if you've ever
gone to one of those...

Oh, that's... that's one of those things

where they lock you up in a room,

and you have to solve all
these puzzles to get out?

Yeah. I mean, we could do that

or then we can go to,
like, batting cages.

- You want to go to batting cages?
- No, no, no.

No, let's... let's go to the one

where you get locked in the room.

Sure. Let's do it.

♪

Okay, so they went to All
American Burger and left.

Now we just have to figure
out where they're going.

- I'm afraid it's too late.
- What?

I have a sixth sense about these things.

Kevin is dead.

What? He's not dead.

He is.

A-A-A strange chill came over my body.

That's 'cause you're
drinking a milkshake.

Oh. Yeah, that's probably it.

♪

And the clues to the puzzle will

give you the key to open the door.

The fastest escape from this

room has been minutes,

and the longest, hours and minutes.

Would you like to come
up with a safe word

in the event that you're too scared?

[BOTH LAUGH]

Been on the police force for years.

I think I'll be okay.

Ooh, plastic axe!

Ooh, that's real, actually.

Okay. Have fun.

[CELLPHONE VIBRATES]

Vanessa. [SCOFFS]

Okay, what is so important?

Listen to me, do not interrupt.

I want you to listen to
everything that I am saying.

Are you with Rebecca?!

Are you with Rebecca?!

You said don't interrupt.

Where are you?

I g... I'm in a dungeon.

Um, okay.

Well, get out.

Rebecca is crazy.

Yeah, believe me. I'm
starting to realize that.

No, no, no. Like, really insane.

Every ex-boyfriend has

a restraining order against her.

Get out now!

[DOOR CLOSES, LOCK ENGAGES]

Yeah, that's gonna be a problem.

[GRUNTS] That is sealed shut.

All right, you know what?

I think we should, uh, probably
come up with a safe word.

I-I like "anaconda." Let's do that.

You know what? We're gonna...
We're gonna change.

We're gonna go with a safe word.

We're gonna go with "anaconda."

By the way [QUIETLY] anaconda!

So... I'm crazy, huh?

- What's that now?
- Yeah. I overheard your conversation.

Vanessa thinks I'm insane and
that you should get away from me?

No, no. First of all, she meant "insane"

like a good... Like, "She's insane!"

What? She's insane!"

She was complimenting you, all right?

I really think we should focus
on getting out of here.

That's what we should do.
Oh, there... there's a key.

I think we're great together!

I don't understand why
you'd want to leave me!

I don't want to leave you.
I'm trying to leave the room.

That's the idea of an
escape room is to...

To leave the room, you know?

Look, that key must mean something.

And there's a pegboard.
You just go up the pegboard.

I'll go up... Boom, boom, boom, boom...

Grab the key, and we'll
get out of here, okay?

Let's do this.

Wow. It's just like
one thing goes wrong,

and you just want to give up.

I think that's just a decoy.

I'm not stupid.

You don't like me, and it's obvious.

I didn't say I didn't like you.

Really? You like me?

Absolutely, I... Hey, buddy!

How about a hint on how
to get out of here?

JOSH: No clues for the first hour.

[LAUGHING] Of course there's not.

You know what?

Chale mentioned something
about an escape room.

I'm gonna see if there's
any in the area.

Okay. There's two.

One in, uh, Massapequa,

and a discount one in Lindenhurst.

- Lindenhurst.
- Lindenhurst.

I'm just clinging to any
hope he's still alive.

What are you talking about?

He's alive! I just talked to him!

You just... You were in the ca...

You hear... Okay.

Oh, come on.

All I did was invite you to

my family's for Thanksgiving.

Out of the kindness of my heart.

And I thought that was...
That was super sweet.

I'm very happy your brother's
getting parole, too.

I'm very big on second chances.

Oh! You think this is funny?

You think I'm crazy?
Well, I'm gonna show you crazy.

Why don't you Google me?
Google me right now!

- Where's your phone? Google me!
- Yeah. I-I-I don't...

I don't need to Google you.
I'll take your word for it.

Okay, Josh, are you getting
any of this? Josh?

Yeah, and if you are listening,

you would know that he's the one

that's emotionally unavailable...

Aah!

Oh, thank God.

Hey, not so scary now, are you,

behind a wall, Lady Cray Cray?

- Unbelievable.
- Aah!

What's up, girl?

We're meant to be together.

Aah!

Josh, if you don't get me
out here in three seconds,

I promise you, I will go
full-on Wreck-It Ralph!

I'm guessing this is your guy?

Yeah, that's him.

- Want me to get him out of there?
- Hang on. I just want to

- see what he does.
- Three, two, ...one!

[CLATTERS]

[GRUNTS]

[CLATTERING]

[SCREAMS]

[GLASS SHATTERS]

[GRUNTS]

Yeah, yeah.

I think it's time to get
him out of there. Yeah.

Hang on. Why are we watching
"Danger Mountain Two"?

'Cause Dad ruined "Danger Mountain One."

Well, it's basically the same plot

except the mountain explodes at the end.

Hey! Dad, how was it?

It sucked.

Did you go to the escape room?

Yep. Almost d*ed.

Well, how was Rebecca?

She's psychotic.

Feel sorry for the next idiot
that gets stuck with her.

Is this seat taken?

It is now.

Mm. You smell good.

Ah, cologne sandwich.

[LAUGHS]

You're funny.

[BOTH LAUGH]