04x05 - The Incredible Herc

[bunniefuu]

♪♪

[SIRENS WAILING]

[CAPTAIN MARVEL OVER RADIO]
Ms. Marvel, you almost there?

Almost. Almost.
And I'm here!

I've got visual on our target.

It's big, it's mean,
it's got three heads,

and it's heading for Times Square.

Oh, no, you don't!

[WHIMPERS]

Captain Marvel, where are you?

Situation's fluid.
Stand by.

[GROWLING, BARKING]

Captain Marvel,
the others are in position.

Where's Ms. Marvel?

Relax, Black Panther.
She's right where I put her.

[GROWLING]

This will not work.
Ant-Man! Wasp!

- Strategy B! Go!
- What's Strategy B?

Say hello to Strategy B!

Ant-Army,
assemble and att*ck!

[GRUNTS]
Whoa!

Converting to high-density mode.

- Hold on, Avengers!
- Wait! Vision, pull up!

Look out!

[GRUNTS]

[GROWLING] Very well, then. Strategy C.

I will do it myself.

Never fear, mortal.
[GRUNTS]

Hercules, the Prince of Power, is here!

[GRUNTS]

[LAUGHS]

[GRUNTING]
[PEOPLE SCREAMING]

[BLACK PANTHER] There are people inside.

[PEOPLE SCREAMING]
[CREAKING]

[STRAINING]

[SIGHS] I'm okay. I'm okay.

Good, because we could use your help.

Embiggen!

[ALL STRAINING]

[HERCULES YELLING]

[ALL GASP]

[GRUNTS, CHUCKLES]

Well, dog, do you plan

to blow your disgusting
breath at me, or... [GRUNTS]

[GROWLING]

One for you, you, you,
you, you, and you!

[GROWLING CONTINUES]
[YELLS]

[CAR ALARM BLARING]
[CAR ALARM HORN HONKING]

[WHIMPERING]

Wait for it.

Ha! Yes!

Sometimes the only way to make a bad
dog sit is a good rap on the nose.

[WASP] Okay, I give up. Who are you?

I am Hercules, Prince of
Power, Lion of Olympus,

Greatest of the Argonauts!

Huh! So Hercules
just happened to show up

when we're getting our butts
handed to us by a giant magic dog.

Our butts would be fine had you
kept to the original plan.

Now see here.
I am Hercules, the...

Yeah, yeah. We know.

No plan survives contact
with the enemy.

You changed my plan
before we could even try it.

Let's everyone take a deep breath.
[CHUCKLES]

I don't mean to interrupt,
uh, whatever this is.

But I've come to find the Avengers.
Do you know where they are?

We're them.
We're the Avengers.

[UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER]

[MUTTERING, CHUCKLING]

[CHUCKLING STOPS]

You're serious.
Ah, never mind.

If you are the Avengers,
I must speak with your leader.

- That's me.
- That is me.

All right.
Let's try again.

Which of you speaks for the team?

[BOTH] Me.

Wonderful! My people
invented democracy.

But you should know, a team
without a leader is not a team.

Fortunately, I am here
until you find one.

Muscles has a point.
It is unseemly

to have this debate in the middle
of the street. [CAR HORN HONKING]

Then it's settled.
[GROANS]

Lead the way, friends.

Oh-ho-ho, this is fabulous!

The larders are full, the
sparring room is without equal,

and the entertainment!
[CROWD CHEERING]

I have never seen
this kind of wrestling before,

but it's fantastic!

Really? Huh. I figured all this
would be a little low rent for you,

coming from Olympus and all.

Olympus has many wonders,
Rider of Ants.

But for a lion such as myself,
it's only dull, gray stone.

As I told Jason...

Jason and the Argonauts Jason?

We studied him in school. Were you
with him when he fought the Kraken?

Sure. Why not?

Wow! A Kraken!

Team meeting, conference room.

I'll attend the next one.

The pro-wrestling
has my attention right now.

Did you say, "The next one"?

Indeed.
I am joining the Avengers.

Together, we shall make a team
to eclipse all others.

Hercules... the actual Hercules...
is gonna be an Avenger!

[HERCULES] Huzzah!

Absolutely not.
Hercules must go.

Analysis indicates Hercules is in the
same strength class as Thor or the Hulk.

The team could use a big g*n.

But not a loose cannon.

Hercules caused half
of the damage today.

The monster did the damage.

And if we're gonna face things like
that, we can use a heavy hitter.

- Maybe we should vote on it?
- We should not.

This is a command decision,
and I am command.

You think you're in command here?

I called the team together
in the first place.

I'm a battle-tested leader. I've clocked
way more combat hours than you.

[HITS TABLE] I am a king!

Not to mention the best tactician
and the highest intellect.

Look, we're both qualified, but
someone has to call the sh*ts!

It's not about calling sh*ts.

I have plans for this team,
and Hercules is not in them!

I don't get your problem
with the big guy.

Why not give Hercules
a chance to prove himself?

♪ [TECHNO BLARING] ♪

What is that?

♪♪ [CONTINUES]

Vision, what's going on?

[WHIMPERS]
Avengers! Hello again!

- Ooh, gimme!
- [WASP] What is all this?

A party. To celebrate
me joining the team.

[CHOMPS, LAUGHS]

This is not how we do things.

Avengers do not throw parties.

What? Tony Stark threw the best parties.
Why can't we party?

[GROWLING]

That. That is precisely
why we cannot party.

[ROARING]

Fan out. We need to figure out
exactly what we are up against.

[SCREECHES]
[GRUNTS]

[ROARING]

This is an unusual thr*at.

Further analysis is required.

Giant snakes are trying to eat us!

[GRUNTS]

Analysis over!

[YELLING]

- Bug b*mb special!
- Bombs away!

Oh, that's gotta...
Come on, man!

Hey, don't eat Ant-Man.
You don't know where he's been.

Thanks. Ew!

[SCREECHES]

Hey! Where's he going?

[GRUNTS]

[YELLS] This is making me seasick!

[STRAINING]

[GRUNTS]

I'm okay!

[YELLS]

Come on!

Give me a soft, squishy target.

[ROARING]

That'll work!

[MOANING]

[ROARS]
[GRUNTS]

Yet another strange monster.

This one with four heads.

[GASPS]
Not four!

Eight!

[GRUNTING]

Fear not, Avengers!

The Lion of Olympus is here!

[YELLS]

That was a monster we call a Hydra.

Beaten back into the Stygian depths
by Hercules and the Avengers.

Well, only one thing left to do now.

Our team has got its Thor.

I'm no Asgardian, young Marvel.

Thor is mighty, yes,
but his people are cold,

grim, dull.

Olympians are hot blooded,
zesty, full of...

Dude, and you've got your own Mjolnir.

Don't be so grumpy.
You saw what he did

- to those monsters.
- Does Hercules even care?

Protecting Earth and saving
lives is all a game to him.

You don't know that. When it
comes to the actual fight,

- Herc will...
- Arm wrestle! Here! Now!

Hercules versus Captain Marvel!

You're gonna arm-wrestle me?
Then you're gonna lose, Muscles.

[PLATE SHATTERS]

[LAUGHING]

Goin' down, Chuckles.

I will be in the control center trying to
find a pattern to these monster att*cks.

[GROANS]

Whoa-ho-ho!

Don't trouble yourself
with those beasts.

That's why I'm here. I'll take
care of them when they show.

You can relax.
We have chips and salsa.

"When they show"?

[GROANS]

Are there more of these things coming?

Aren't you listening to me?
I'll take care of it.

Relax. Chips and salsa.

Bah! You sound just like
my father, Zeus.

I'm the Prince of Power.
You're but a stuffy mortal.

[GRUNTS]

We are not finished yet.

Now tell me why you are here

and what these monsters
have to do with it.

[GRUNTS]

[GRUNTING]

Ha! It has been too long since I had a
good wrestling bout. [THUNDEROUS THUD]

Now what?

[MALE VOICE]
Thief! I know you're in there!

Aw, crud.

[GROWLING]

There you are!
Did you think you could

hide from me forever, little brother?

Oh.
[CHUCKLES]

Hey there, brother.

What brings you to New York?

Hercules' brother?
Which brother are you?

Please be one of the nice ones.

I am Ares, Prince of w*r,

Harbinger of Destruction,

Bringer of Pain.

So, kind of not nice.

Go away, Ares!
The Mace of w*r is mine!

So b*at it back to Olympus
and leave me alone!

I think not.
[GROANS]

No one steals from me.

Especially not something
as powerful as the Mace of w*r.

This has gone on long enough, thief.

Now steps aside, mortals.

No.

As much as I want rid of Hercules,

we cannot just hand him over.

The return of the mace is up
for discussion, but then...

You will get no discussion!

You will get only w*r!

[GRUNTS]

[GRUNTING]
[GRUNTS]

[GRUNTS]
[GROANS]

[GRUNTING]

[YELLS]
[GROWLING]

Bad Cerberus! Bad! Bad!

[GROWLING CONTINUES] Stop! [GRUNTS]

Bad doggie! Heel! Down!

Stay! Stay!

Ow.

[GRUNTING]

[GRUNTING]

These are the fabled Avengers of Earth?

Bah! You're nothing!

Do not ever again meddle in
affairs beyond your mortal grasp.

[GRUNTS]

[BARKING, GROWLING]

[VISION] Strange. Ares'
portal remains open.

We can still rescue Hercules.
[GRUNTS]

I still am not convinced
we should be involved.

- This is Olympian business.
- A little late for that.

Besides, it's Avengers business.
Hercules is one of us.

Inviting himself over to the
mansion makes him an Avenger?

Not to mention, he
apparently stole from Ares.

My instincts tell me
something more is going on.

Your instincts?

We need informed decision
making and leadership.

[SIGHS] Very well.

Hercules may not be an Avenger,

but you are.

We will try it your way, Captain.

For now.

Whoa.

[ANT-MAN] Mount Olympus.

Well, as magical paradises go,
it's not bad.

[ARES] What is this?

Mortals, daring to set foot
in sacred Olympus

without leave or invitation?

Madness!

We've got questions, Ares.

What's so special about that mace?

And what are you planning
to do to Hercules?

My brother is a thief.

Stealing any of my weapons
would be crime enough,

but this mace is the key
to opening Tartarus.

Like so!

[BLACK PANTHER] Tartarus? What is...

I called a handful of beasts
to find my brother.

Now I call upon the thousand beasts
of the Underworld! [GROWLING]

That's why you left the portal open.

You're gonna send them all to Earth!

You Avengers
and the entire realm of Earth

shall know my punishment.

You shall know the wrath of the Kraken!

[ROARING]

[ROARING]

[ALL GRUNT]

Go for its legs. Keep it
from moving to the portal!

No, go high!

Tie up its arms so it can't att*ck!

What are you doing? We can't
let it get through to Earth.

That's why we're supposed
to be fighting it!

[ARES] The mortals cannot win.

The Kraken will destroy your friends,

then it will travel to Earth
and destroy it.

[GRUNTS]

A fitting punishment
for your disrespect, brother.

[GRUNTING]

Ares, I've had enough of you, brother!

[ROARS]

Huh?
[GRUNTS]

Aah!

Is this even working?

It depends on your
definition of "working."

"Who is the leader" can wait.

We must solve the immediate problem.

We need to put down this Kraken
and close the hole.

And we need to stop Ares.

[KRAKEN ROARING]
Field commander.

Big Picture.

[GRUNTS]

[LAUGHS, GRUNTING]
[YELLS]

[GRUNTS]

[GRUNTING]

Is that the best you...
[GRUNTS]

This will put an end to you,
brainless layabout!

[GRUNTS]

Thank you, friend Panther.

Do not thank me just yet, Hercules.

Fools. I am Ares,

winner of , battles, the
greatest warrior of all time!

[YELLING]

Hey, Ares, you like baseball?

Then batter up!
[GRUNT]

[BOTH GRUNT]

Captain Marvel would say
we need to fight smarter.

- We have to work together!
- Over there.

It's his Chest of w*r.

Go for it.

[YELLS]

[ROARING]

[GRUNTING]

Aah!

A real Kraken! My literature
teacher's never gonna believe this!

Whoa!

[GRUNTING]

Aah!

Vision, keep its foot on lockdown.

Ms. Marvel, get around its other leg
and turn it back towards the pit.

Ant-Man, Wasp,
go for the face.

Try not to get eaten this time.

Oh, hey, that gives me an idea.

[GRUNTING]

I'm going in.
You with me?

Are you out of your mind?

Yes. And into his.

[BLOWS LANDING]
Ugh! Ew!

Oh, fine.

[BLOWS LANDING]
[ROARING]

[STRAINING]

[CAPTAIN MARVEL] Even if
we get it back in the pit,

we can't lock the gates
without the mace.

[CHUCKLES]

Great. Black Panther's got
me thinking big picture.

[GRUNTING]

- Tired yet, brother?
- You wish, brother!

[GRUNTING]

I'll see you suffer!

[GRUNTING]

You're always so overly
dramatic about... [GROANS]

And then there was that time...
[GROANS]

[GRUNTS]

- What?
- Game on.

[GRUNTING]
[GRUNTS]

You see, brother?

See how easy it was
to take it from you again?

You never truly appreciated its...

[GRUNTS]

Ooh!

[GRUNTS]

You think I need the mace
to destroy you?

You think I need anything?

I will end you with my bare hands!

[GRUNTS]

[GRUNTS]
Ooh!

There you are, my beauty,

back where you belong.

Shame about all this ruckus,
but now we should...

[BLOWS LANDING] Were you
really just gonna stroll off?

Not very Avengery, Herc.

Now, now, young Marvel. It's not
what it appears. [BOTH GRUNTING]

Captain Marvel sent me for the mace.

Now, you're gonna give it to me,

then you're gonna go back
and help Black Panther.

- You hear me?
- Yes, ma'am.

[YELLS, GRUNTS]

Didn't realize this thing was so heavy.

[GROANS]

Bravery is nothing.
Loyalty is nothing.

Strength is nothing.

You may be skilled, mortal,
but you could never defeat Ares.

To be a true...

[GRUNTS]

Aahh!

Will you shut up?

This is all my fault.

You do not have to fight my battle.

Avengers do things as one.
We assemble.

[YELLING]

[YELLS]
[GROANS]

[DISTORTED GROAN]

[GROANS] You are quite the
warrior, friend Panther.

Hmm? Hmm.

[STRAINING]

[ROARING]

[GRUNTS]

Let's never do that again!

[GRUNTS]

[ROARING]

[ALL STRAINING]

Kamala, get that mace over here!

We can't hold them much longer!

Hercules!

Have a nice trip, Ares!

[SCREAMING]

[ROARING]
[SCREAMING CONTINUES]

[KRAKEN SHRIEKS]

Avengers, now!
[GRUNTS]

[GRUNTS]

[GRUNTS]

Let me out of here!

[GRUNTING]

Noooo!

I'm sensing a little hatchet
burying happened back there.

We are not best friends yet,
but we could be teammates,

if Hercules wishes
to join the Avengers.

Perhaps someday.

I still have much to learn
about responsibility

and being a true hero.

But when I am ready to join,
I will seek out your leader.

Er, whichever of you it is.

Yes, well, we never
did settle that, did we?

Isn't it obvious?
You're both leaders.

Panther's the general.

And Captain Marvel
is the field commander.

Works for me.

If Captain America and Iron Man

could figure out how to work
in concert, we can too.

Quiet, everybody.
Vision, vote count.

One vote for pizza,
two votes for sushi,

two votes for giant-sized
super burritos.

And I, of course, abstain,

because I do not eat.

[DOOR OPENS]

I vote for Greek.

There is a lovely restaurant
only five blocks...

Don't you have something to finish?

Uhh...

[CHUCKLES]

It's a good thing I was here
to clean up this mess.

[SIGHS]

What would the Avengers do without me?

Tomorrow