04x08 - Why I Hate Halloween

[bunniefuu]

♪♪

[WEAPONS f*ring] [HAWKEYE] What
kind of morons try to hide

a secret base underneath Manhattan?

[GRUNTS]

[GRUNTING]

Hydra really needs
to get a new playbook.

[GROANS]

Seriously.

Aah!
[GRUNTS]

[GRUNTS]
[GROANS]

You're slipping, Avenger!
Hail Hydra! Hail...

[YELLS]

- Man, they love to talk.
- [CAPTAIN AMERICA] Stay focused, Hawkeye.

Overconfidence loses battles.

[GRUNTING]

[CRYING OUT]

[ALL SHOUTING]
[HULK GRUNTS]

[ROARS]

[EXCLAIMING]

If this lousy base makes me
miss Halloween tonight,

I'm gonna take it out
on every Hydra goon here.

The base isn't the mission, Hulk.

We're here for the scientist.
Fan out and find her.

Well, well, well.
One evil Hydra scientist,

one awesome superhero and...
oh, look... a bunch of arrows.

Looks like I got you outnumbered.

Count again.

I never was that good at math.

[GRUNTS]

Okay, that is not good.

On the contrary. These are
the Mark II prototypes,

designed with the Avengers in mind.

You and your little bow are outmatched.

Prototypes, huh? As in, not
quite ready for prime time?

I can work with that.

And it's not about the bow, lady.

The name's not Hawk-bow,
it's Hawk-eye!

[GRUNTS]

As in, eyes always on the prize.

You are caught, evil genius lady.

Okay, team. Our Hydra scientist's
name is Whitney Frost.

Dr. Frost, why don't you tell us
what you've been doing here?

I do many things, Captain America.

You have to be more specific.

Your experiments with vampires...
specifically.

[SCOFFS]
Vampires?

As if I didn't already hate Halloween.

Hydra soldiers aren't able to do
what we need them to.

But with vampire powers...
strength, vision, speed...

Once I stabilize the serum, we will
have an army of super-soldiers.

That's not going to happen.

Iron Man, wipe Hydra's computers.
Delete everything they know.

Consider it done.
[BEEPS]

The formula's not in the computers,

it's in my head.

If you were all that smart, Frost,

then you'd know vampires really don't
like humans messing with their stuff.

[VAMPIRES HISSING]

[GRUNTING]

[HULK GRUNTS]

The vampires are after me?

Hey, ya think?

The team and I will hold them off.

Hawkeye, get her out of here
and take her to the Beach House.

What? No.
I hate the Beach House.

It's the safest place.
The Beach House, Hawkeye.

Go! Now!

[GRUNTS]
Let's go.

This is your idea of keeping me safe?

[CHUCKLING] Oh, no. None
of this was my idea.

And I'll keep you safe, but I
ain't promising comfortable.

Hey, guess who I stole
the web arrow idea from.

Come on. Guess.

That's not gonna stop them.

[HISSING, SNARLING]

Doesn't need to stop 'em.
Just needs to slow 'em down.

Ha-ha! Hydra cycles.

I am great at Hydra cycles.

Of all the Avengers to get
stuck with, I get you.

- Not Iron Man, not Hulk...
- Whoa. The Hulk? Really?

You'd choose him over me?
Wow. That is...

That is just harsh.

[VAMPIRES HISSING, SNARLING]

Frost, think fast.

[GRUNTS]

Listen up, one:
the other Avengers are busy

holding off the vampires for you.

Two: you don't get
a vote because...

wait for it...
you're evil.

And three: there's a good reason
Cap picked me.

- And that is?
- I know where the Beach House is.

[HISSING, SNARLING CONTINUE]
[TIRES SCREECHING]

[BIRDS TWITTERING]

This is the Beach House?

Um, hi. It's a code name. All our
safe houses have code names,

because no one would think to look for a
beach house here in Rutland, Vermont.

Don't worry.
This place has everything.

Perimeter defense array,
canons, cameras, shielding.

Even one of those fancy
single-serving coffee machines.

Yeah. Keeps trick-or-treaters out.

Keeps wacky evil geniuses in.

Enough security to hold off the Hulk.

It's not the Hulk who worries me.

It's what comes after dark.

House, get me a location
on Captain America.

And give me my backup quiver.

This is so unfair.

The Avengers have all this
but don't do anything with it.

At least Hydra tries
to change the world.

No. Hydra wants
to own the world.

The Avengers save the world. You're a
genius, Frost. You know I'm right.

No response from Cap? House,
try him again. [BEEPS]

[SOFT ELECTRICAL BUZZING]

[BEEPING]

[BUZZING STOPS]

The vampires got him.
It's the only answer.

The vampires didn't get him.

House, give me a location
on Black Widow.

[BEEPING]
That's impossible.

According to this, Black Widow's here.

Hey, Hawkeye, wanna come out and play?

Crossbones and the Crimson Widow.

Look at this.
They sent us to fetch Frost,

but looks like we get to hurt Hawkeye.

- Bonus.
- Barely half an Avenger.

So dull.
I wanted Romanov.

Aw, you're not getting what you want.

But you'll get the butt-kicking
you deserve.

[GRUNTS]
[GROANING]

House, emergency lockdown!

[YELENA] So careless, Hawkeye,
forgetting to disable to bike's tracker.

Frost, make yourself useful
and open the doors.

[BEEPING]

[YELLS]

[CHUCKLING]

[GRUNTING] [HAWKEYE]
What, leaving so soon?

Uh-oh.

[CRIES OUT]

[GRUNTS]

[STRAINING]

[GRUNTS]

You waste your time, Hawkeye. [GRUNTS]

I disabled your
defensive weapons systems.

Yeah. And I just reset 'em.

House, target hostiles.

[WHIRRING]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

You expecting somebody?

Frost, open the shields.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

[HAWKEYE] Nobody's there.

[VAMPIRES SNARLING]

[GASPS]

Dracula.

Good evening. What is that quaint
Western expression?

Oh, yes.

Trick or treat.

[DRACULA] Dracula is not
here for you, Avenger,

and not for these Hydra fools, either.

I have come for her.

[GASPS]

She has meddled in the
affairs of the vampires.

She must be chastised.
[VAMPIRES SNARLING]

Hand her over to me now, and
perhaps I will allow you to live.

[CHUCKLES]
Yeah, that's not happening.

No chastising tonight, tooth boy.

"Tooth boy"?

Have you just called
the immortal Dracula,

lord of all vampires, "tooth boy"?

I know the rules, Drac.
This is my house.

You and the bite brigade can't set
one toe in here unless I invite you.

And guess what. [CHUCKLING]
You are so not invited.

And what will you say when there
is no house in which to invite me?

What Dracula desires,
Dracula will have.

Tear the house down!

The woman will suffer our wrath!

The others will suffer death!

[SNARLING CONTINUES]

I thought you said this place
could hold off the Hulk.

Well, yeah.
It can see the Hulk.

But vampires are invisible to tech.

House can't fight what it can't see.

We're stuck in here.
What are we supposed to do?

Get to the middle of the cabin.
It's our best bet.

We have to hold them off
as long as we can.

"We"? What makes you think
we'd work with the likes of you?

Because your lives
are on the line here too.

We team up and eventually
walk out of here alive.

Or do you wanna do your own
thing, and we all get wiped out?

[SNARLING]

Ugh! Fine.

We team up.

[GRUNTS]
Then let's do this.

It's like whack-a-mole
with vampires.

Still fighting?

It will only make our victory sweeter
when I hold your lifeless...

Huh?

[GRUNTS]

[GROWLS]

I thought you knew the rules, bowman.

Your metal arrows can do nothing to...

So be it, bowman.

[VAMPIRES SNARLING]
[SIRENS WAILING]

[HULK ROARING]

[GRUNTING]

[CAPTAIN AMERICA] Hulk, watch your six!

[HISSING]

I'm gonna miss trick or treat because
of vampires wrecking my Halloween!

[SNARLING]

[ROARS]

[GRUNTING]

Well, maybe we can start
a new tradition.

Smashoween.
What do you think, big guy?

"Smashoween"?
I like it.

Hee-hee-hee.

- That didn't feel like a retreat.
- Then what was it?

That felt like they got new orders.

Boo.

One more surge,
and the cabin will fall.

I thought you said the house
couldn't see vampires.

It can't. So I set the
f*ring pattern to "random."

I'm a genius, remember?

The house defense system
just went down.

Someone must've tampered with it.

It was Crimson Widow.

She sabotaged the systems earlier.

And you helped me do it.

[SIGHS] This is pointless.

- We can't hold out forever.
- The vamps don't even want us.

Maybe we could just finish
these two off and bail.

Hydra sent you to rescue me!

You're not an asset anymore.

You're a liability.

Hydra cuts its losses when necessary.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

[HAWKEYE] Who wants to answer that?
Anyone?

[SIGHS] Man, I do
everything around here.

Dracula's patience
is at an end, bowman.

I should slay each of you,
but I'm not going to.

You're not?

I'm offering you a deal.

You three are free to go
and will not be harmed.

As lord of all vampires,
you have my word.

All I want is the Frost woman.

Nothing's changed, Drac.

You're out there, and we're in here.

The four of us can take
anything you got.

The four of you?

[CHUCKLES]

Cutting losses.

You know, kind of saw that coming.

You should have taken my offer.

My forces are replenished now,
while yours are at low ebb.

Breathe your last among the
living, and then join the undead.

[HISSING, SNARLING]

This was Captain America's
plan all along.

Sacrifice me and the weakest
Avenger to save Manhattan.

Um, words hurt.
Besides, that's Hydra thinking.

Avengers find a way.
There's always a way.

[SNARLING CONTINUES]

The house is no more.
Leave the woman to me,

and dispose of the bowman.
[HISSING, SNARLING]

Do something.

Use your arrows or something.

Frost, you are a genius.

House, cozy fire.

Have you lost your mind?

Yeah, probably.

[HISSING, SNARLING CONTINUE]

Hawkeye!

[SCREECHING]

[DRACULA] Unexpected. [HISSES]

I had not thought to see
an Avenger show such steel.

If your spirit
yet lingers here, bowman,

know that you have the respect of...

Bowman! [ECHOING]

I mean, why is it so hard for
these people to remember my name?

This is no time for jokes.

Well, actually,
it's the perfect time for jokes.

[VAMPIRES SNARLING]

You ever hear the one about the...

Ugh! How can you be so flip?

We're in the middle of a forest.

You're only as good as your
arrows, which you blew up!

Yeah, when you put it that way,
it sounds pretty bad.

[HISSING]

Move!

[GRUNTS]

There are more coming.

[GRUNTING]
[VAMPIRES HISSING, SNARLING]

[SCREECHING]

Ha-ha! See? Wood.

It's the one thing
vampires really can't stand,

and we are in the middle of a forest.

I told you, I know the rules.
I have a plan.

But you won't be able to stop them all.

Man, did Hydra
just give you a big ol' bag

of "I give up" when they recruited you?

Come on.

I am coming for you, bowman!

[VAMPIRES HISSING, SNARLING]
[GASPS]

Ca... Can we call for help?

[HAWKEYE]
Tried that. No signal.

What are you doing up there?

They'll catch us if we don't...
keep moving.

Hawkeye, they found me!

[GRUNTS]
[SNARLING CONTINUES]

[GRUNTS]

[GRUNTING]

Hawkeye!

[PANTING]

What took you so long?

I had it under control.

Anyway, I had to finish
collecting these.

What's the use? Hydra abandoned us
out here, and so did your Avengers.

Whoa. Avengers never
abandon anyone.

Even you. Now, you can
keep being Queen Snarky,

or you can help me find something
to make a string for this bow.

Is it all right to say that I'm scared?

Be stupid if you weren't.

Last I heard, you're a genius.

We're getting out of this.
I promise.

That, I'm afraid, is not true.

A wooden bow and arrow?

[LAUGHING]

Wooden stakes. Through the heart.
I know the rules.

[GRUNTS]

No.

Wood may hurt my minions,
but I am the immortal Dracula.

You cannot hurt me.

[GRUNTING]

[GRUNTS]

Get them!

[HISSING, SNARLING]

Duck!

[GRUNTS]

Tell me you have enough arrows.

I could tell you that,
but I'd be lying.

I am trusting
that you have a plan here.

[HISSING]
[GRUNTS]

[GASPS]
[LAUGHING]

[HISSING]

[YELLS]

[GRUNTING]

[YELLS]

[PANTS]

Thanks, Hawkeye.

[SIGHS]

Finally,

somebody gets my name right.

[WIND WHOOSHING]

No more arrows. No more running.

What will you do now?

Perhaps you think you have
one last effort in you,

[HISSING] some way you
can still save yourself.

I think not.

Your life ends here, alone in the dark.

It's not about me.
It was about her.

Keeping her safe,
and running out the clock.

Dawn around here
is about : a.m.,

which is just about...

[GASPS]

The sun! [FLESH SIZZLING]

[SCREECHING]

Right on time.
Told you I know the rules.

You have made an enemy today, bowman.

Mark my words.

Dracula will have his vengeance!

Yeah, yeah, yeah. If I had a nickel
for every vampire who said that.

[WHOOSHING]
What is it? More vampires?

Huh. Not quite.

Hey, Hawkeye, lose these?

Looks like Hawkeye had quite the night.

You did okay back there.

For an evil Hydra genius.

[CHUCKLES]

Well, yeah. That too.
Listen, Frost...

You're going to point out that Hydra
was gonna let Dracula take me.

But you, the weakest Avenger...

Watch it.

You protected me until the end.

All I'm saying is, just make
sure you're on the right side.

Change the world or break it.

Thanks, Hawkeye.

You've given me a lot to think about.

[GRUNTS]

Only five targets with three arrows?

Never seen you so off.
Something on your mind?

Oh, Whitney Frost just got
in my head a little.

You didn't send us to the Beach House
because I'm the weak link, did ya?

Like the expendable Avenger?

Clint, you're the most
resourceful man I've ever met.

I sent you with that Hydra scientist

because I knew if there was a way to
keep her safe, you would find it.

[SNARLING]
You always find a way.

- Blood! Blood!
- Aah! Vampire!

No, Hawkeye, wait!

Hawkeye, that was my favorite costume!

[ROARS]

You see?

This is why I hate Halloween!