02x07 - Poop Show

[bunniefuu]

[lively trumpet music]

Have you ever seen these
Poppy videos on YouTube?

Oh, my God. I love them so much.

Oh, my gosh; all right,
I have some great news.

You know how Kathy Griffin
couldn't come to the show

tonight, because she was
having some hernia surgery?

Ooh.

[all murmuring]

Is the good news that she's okay?

- No.
- She's not?

Oh, my God. I love Kathy Griffin.

Oh, God.

- Why Kathy?
- Shh, Marcus, it's okay.

Kathy Griffin is in a better place,

like Judy Garland or Liza.

Liza is not dead.

Who's Kathy Griffin?

Oh, she's that lady from "NewsRadio."

I thought she was on "Suddenly Susan."

It's the same show.

Okay, guys, guys, guys, my God.

Kathy Griffin is not dead.

- Oh, she's not?
- No.

The good news is that Debra
Messing is coming on tonight

in her place.

- Yes.
- Oh, that is good news.

Yes, and there's even better news.

We also have Brendan Fraser
on the show tonight.

Brendan Fraser. You
know he's on my list.

What list?

Oh, my wife and I have a list
of celebs we can have sex with.

He's on both of ours.

Marcus, don't you dare
hit on Brendan Fraser.

Oh, somebody's jealous she's
not on Marcus' f*ck list.

I am not jealous I am
not on his f*ck list.

I don't want another
Mark Wahlberg situation.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, he puckered
up, and I went in for it.

He wanted Chap Stick.

That's your story.

You know, I think Donnie's the
real star of that family.

Oh, Donnie is the one who
should be on your list.

He's got a...

- Ooh.
- You know what?

I'll produce the Brendan Fraser spot,

so I can make sure no one
gets weird with him.

Excellent, perfect.

Thank you, Davis.

All right, so we have a great show.

We got Debra Messing
in for Kathy Griffin.

We got Brendan Fraser. Whoo-hoo.
Any questions?

What about Mr. Belvedere?

Is he still alive?

I can't with you. I can't. No more.

Okay, well, also, who's Brendan Fraser?

- Oh, my God!
- What?

"Encino Man," "The Mummy," other movies.

From Studio B in the
heart of New York City,

it's "Nightcap with Jimmy!"

Tonight: when there's a
Will, there's a Grace,

Debra Messing returns.

All the way from "Encino
Man," Brendan Fraser.

It's funny because they're frail,

old people falling videos.

And now, number five in the ratings

but number one in our
hearts, here's Jimmy!

[knocking]

- Hey, knock-knock.
- Staci.

Hi. How are you?

- Hi.
- Debra Messing...

- Come in.
- Pretty.

- Oh, my God. Rita Hayworth.
- Oh, shush now.

- Oh, I swear.
- [laughs]

Oh, I hope I'm not interrupting.

No, come on. Sit, sit, sit.

I'm just getting my nails done.

I've got... I've got a charity thing

tonight after... after the show.

- Of course you do.
- May I offer you something to eat?

- Okay, what should I have?
- Anything you want.

I just need to... I just
need to know you're eating.

- All right.
- Wow. That's a really big muffin.

Okay.

- Maybe I'll have some pudding.
- Eh, eh, mm.

[raspberries]

Um...

Now, that is a really sensible choice.

Okay, good.

All right, listen, I want
to thank you so much.

- Oh, come on.
- You really pulled through.

I mean, when Kathy Griffin
canceled at the last minute,

and here you are.

- [laughs]
- I mean, listen.

If you hadn't been able to
come to the show tonight,

I would have had to put
Al Roker on again.

Wait. What? What? He's your
designated emergency guest?

Yeah, we keep Al Roker in a
glass box in the greenroom,

and whenever I need
him, we just break it.

[laughter]

Anyway, thank you so much.

Oh, enough, enough, stop.

You don't have to thank me.

I mean, you know, that's what
best friends do for each other.

[laughs]

Best friends.

[snorts]

[laughs]

What's so funny?

Nothing.

[energetic brass music]

And then she says, "You
don't have to thank me."

"That's what best friends
do for each other."

Best friends?

Well, I'm very happy for you both.

Okay, Penny, come on.

We are not best friends.
I barely know her.

Really? Okay, then
I've got to be honest.

When I just said I'm
really happy for you both,

I didn't mean it.

Yeah, I got that.

I've maybe met her twice,
once on the show last year,

and I bumped into her
for, like, five minutes

at an Outback Steakhouse.

And the lady loves a bloomin' onion.

They're so good.

Crikey. They're delicious.

But it is strange that she
considers you best friends.

Maybe she's confusing
me with somebody else.

Lots of people do.

I get stuff on the street all the time.

"Hey, Julianne Hough."

"Oh, my God. It's Taylor Swift."

"Hey... Beverly D'Angelo."

Well, are you gonna set her straight?

I don't know. Why should I do that?

I don't know. Maybe to make her realize
that a true friendship is built

on years of trust and mutual respect

and an admiration that
sometimes blurs the line

between friend and family.

I'm gonna do what any
professional would do.

I'm going to avoid her.

[energetic brass music]

[knock at door]

Brendan.

Davis Maxfield. I'm producing you today.

Ahh, hello. How are you?

I'm well. I have to say, I'm a huge fan.

Thank you.

To me, "Crash" was a perfect movie.

Thank you.

Thank you so much, but, you know,

it wasn't really a stretch
playing a privileged white man

as opposed to my work on "Dudley."

- "Dudley."
- "Do-Right"?

- Recall?
- Mm.

"Dudley Do-Right."

I spent seven months training
with the real Canadian

mounted policemen for that one
in preparation.

Wow, I'm... I had no idea.

I didn't tell you about it.

So I spent seven months, and I
still didn't feel like I'd

really found what makes that guy
tick, you know.

I didn't know what was inside of him.

I couldn't get into his skin.

So I created a back-story.

Oh.

Dudley was the youngest
of seven siblings.

His mother Margaret, a homemaker,

a good woman, very attractive,

and his father was a blacksmith,

hard worker, hot temper,

and when he learned that
Margaret had been having a...

shall we say "flirtation"...
with the town grocer,

he snapped, and one Christmas Eve,

he bludgeoned her to death,

her blood splattering,
turning the white snow red.

Dudley saw the whole thing.

He never saw his father again,

save for the occasion
when he was to be ex*cuted,

the noose around his neck,
threw the switch.

The trapdoor opened.

"Papa, pourquoi?"

From that day forward,

Dudley vowed

to live a life of virtue

to only do right.

Um...

I also liked "The Mummy" a lot.

[lively trumpet music]

[lively trumpet music]

Anyway, Brendan, I just
wanted to see what you wanted

to talk about on the couch tonight.

Oh, I'm not going to talk.
I'm gonna do a song.

I didn't know you sing.

Actually, I'm kind of crap.
I don't really sing.

I sort of, like, talk-sing.

You know, like William Shatner,
Sir Rex Harrison, sell the song.

It's pretty funny. I wrote it myself.

You know, actually, it's hilarious.

Would you like to hear it?

- Su... sure?
- Great.

Where's my kazoo?

Could you run to props and see
if they have one of those...

[imitates twangy harp]

I think it's called a Jew's harp?

I just want to get my voice in tune.

♪ Ahh ♪

♪ Ahh ♪

[energetic brass music]

[sighs]

Why is everybody so invested
in what I eat today?

Because you almost ate the
snack of excruciating death.

It's a game we like to play.

We pretend we've covered
one item in strychnine...

And we watch and see if someone eats it.

- And you almost ate it.
- And then you'd die.

You guys are so creepy.

We're unique.

Mm.

Oh, my God, Staci. There you are.

Is everything okay?

No, no. It's Liz and John.

They're breaking up.

Liz and John?

Liz and John.

- Uh, Liz and John...
- Liz and John!

Oh, my God! Liz and John?

I... you know what?

I... I always suspected that
he was cheating on her.

- I did.
- Really?

Yes, of course.

I mean, I told you
about the time that...

that he hit on me, right?

I mean, I had just had
an ovarian cyst rupture.

This was well before I
had even met Scott.

I was dating the guy, Marc,
the guy with the huge... brr.

- "Brring."
- And I... so I was in the hospital,

and I came home, and everyone was there,

and it was Liz and John and...

and Vincent and Maria and...

and, of course, the Kaplans.

- Of course the Kaplans.
- Of course the Kaplans.

- Yes.
- And then I was in the kitchen

by myself, and John came in,
and he put his hand on my ass.

Classic John.

And you know what I did?

You... slapped his hand off of your ass.

- I did nothing.
- Oh.

I said nothing.

I was just so scared.

I don't know that I could
ever forgive myself for that.

- [sobbing]
- Ohh.

And I call myself a feminist.

Ohh!

Let it out,

you pretty little... ohh.

[energetic brass music]

Wait, I don't get it. Who's John?

I don't know. He's some guy named John,

who apparently is very handsy.

- Staci.
- Yeah.

I need you to do your Staci thing

and convince Brendan Fraser
not to sing on the show.

Brendan Fraser sings?

Like William Shatner.

Oh, my God.

And he insists on doing a
comedy song he wrote.

Well, is it any good?

It's horrible. And offensive.

At one point, he rhymes
"contortion" with "abortion."

Well, there's that viral clip
you've always wanted.

That's not the viral we want.

Okay, Davis, you need
to be more sensitive.

Staci is having a really rough
afternoon what with John and Liz

breaking up and all.

- It's...
- Wh... who?

No f*cking clue.

Are you gonna help me or not?

Hey, big boy that went to
college, you can handle it.

He has a whole funny
stanza about brain tumors.

Yeah, I wouldn't let him do that.

- Okay, great. I'll do it myself.
- Okay.

- Thanks.
- Oh... oh, okay, Mr. Cranky Pants.

Whoa.

Anyway, the thing is that Debra Messing

is not my best friend.

Debra Messing is not my friend at all.

[gasps]

What, she's standing right
behind me, right?

- No.
- Oh, God.

She's more to your left.

- Oh.
- Not your friend at all?

What do... what do...
what do you mean, Staci?

Oh, Debra.

Um, I, um... Maybe...
maybe I should just go.

You probably like Al Roker
more than me anyway.

Debra, Debra, listen to me.

Let me... let me just explain, okay?

I was just... very... frustrated,

because I didn't like the things
you were saying about John.

What? Why?

Because back before he was with Liz,

he and I were kind of a thing.

Wait, you were?

Yes, Penny, don't you remember I told
you? John, the one that got away.

But they all got away.

Oh, my God.

Staci, why didn't you tell me
this before?

I was humiliated, pure and simple.

Well, you should be humiliated.

Wait, was... wait, was this when
he was with Audra?

No.

It was, wasn't it?

- No.
- Oh, I can't.

I can't.

No, no, no, I can't!

[energetic brass music]

[both singing indistinctly]

♪ ♪

- That's really sweet, you know?
- Oh, man.

That's some sweet comedy music.
It's gonna k*ll.

[Both:] Dude

- Mm, rah-ha-hah.
- Yeah, this is gonna k*ll.

This is gonna k*ll.
Yo, what's up, Davis?

We were just riffin'.

Did you know that he's a
comedy song guy?

Hey, it's kind of my thing around here.

I thought your thing around here was
being Jimmy's friend from home.

Slash comedy song guy.

Hey, can you settle a little
debate we're having

on these new lyrics we're working on?

So Brendan says if they're funny,

they can't be considered r*cist.

No, racism is never okay.

But it is if it's really funny.

It's true.

Oh, Jimmy's gonna love it.

I'm enjoying the song so much, Brendan,

but I was thinking, acting
is your bread and butter.

No, I don't want to act anymore.

It's way too much preparation.

I want to sing.

Hey, did I ever tell you the back-story

that I created for "Dudley Do-Right"?

- Uh...
- No.

It probably involves some grisly m*rder.

Oh, my God. You're right.

You really paid attention to my
performance.

Brendan, if you change
your mind about the song,

you know, we're all cool with it.

Okay, thanks. I'm not gonna do that.

I'm gonna sing the song.
Hey, let's dig back into

- these lyrics, can we?
- Yeah.

Get to the part about... where was it?

Oh, yeah, Jew and then...
what rhymes with "bank"?

Bank.

- Try it.
- Yeah, okay.

[Both:] ♪ The bank ♪

[energetic brass music]

Debra, Debra, Debra, Deb... oh, my God.

What do you need, Staci.
I'm getting a colonic.

Oh, my God. I'm gonna come back.

Oh, wow, okay, that's the
kind of friend you are?

The first sign of bodily fluid,
and you're just ready to bail?

It's not just fluids. It's also solids.

Just go.

No, I really want to talk to you.

Can you just pause this for a second...

No, no, I told you.

I have a charity even tonight,
and this is how I prepare.

It makes me feel light,
and it makes me feel pretty,

so what... just... what
do you want to say to me?

I never had anything with John.

I... I never knew John or Liz.

I don't know them.

What are you talking about?

I made it up, okay?

I mean, you're so friendly
and sweet, and I...

I just kind of went along with it.

I just didn't want you to go.

Okay, wow, now... now you're just...

you're just lying about everything.

Either that or you need
to see a neurologist.

Either way, this is not fun.

I'm leaving.

After you're done, okay?

We've got to finish this.

Then I'm out.

Please, please, please,
please, Debra, don't leave.

No, no.

The only reason why I came to do
the show tonight was for you.

- Really?
- Of course.

I love you.

I love you.

Ohh... [scoffs]

- I do. I love you.
- Sure. You do not.

I... I so love you.

What can I do to prove
to you that I mean it?

[light latin-tinged guitar music]

♪ ♪

Come on. That's it. You're doing great.

Just release your butthole.

[lively trumpet music]

[lively trumpet music]

Well, back to work.

Hey, before you go, would you
like to examine your waist.

Um... tempting, but I'm gonna pass.

Okay, you should know that
you're gonna be pretty gassy

for a little while, but...
but it's good.

It just means that it's
getting the remaining toxins

out of your body.

It's the gift that keeps on giving.

Thank you, Debra.

Oh... I know this wasn't your thing.

What?

I just want to say that I
really appreciate

that you did this for me

and so you will not have to worry about

breaking open that box

and letting Mr. Al Roker out,
'cause I'm gonna do the show.

Oh, my God, Debra. Thank you so much.

And I'm so honored for you to
call me your friend.

[laughs] Oh, my God.

You're so funny.

[both farting]

- Ooh.
- Oh, my God.

Those are some stinky toxins.

[laughter]

[lively trumpet music]

These are awful. They're perfect.

Uh... we can do better.

Maybe we should warm up, though.

All right, so...

♪ Pork ♪

[Both:] ♪ Pork ♪

♪ Po-oo-oork ♪

♪ Po-oo-oork ♪

Yeah, I think you need to,
like, give it from the gut.

- ♪ Pork, pork ♪
- Yeah.

[both vocalizing]

[Both:] ♪ Pork-a-pork, pork-a-pork ♪

♪ Pork, pork, pork, pork ♪

- Davis.
- Oh.

I see you've found some funny props.

It just gets better.

Unfortunately, I have some bad news.

We have to cut the song for time.

- What? No.
- What?

I'm sorry; we'll just have to
do the normal couch chat.

I have to do the song.

It has to be now, because I
have a holiday album dropping.

- What holiday?
- Labor Day.

♪ Labor Day, Labor Day ♪

♪ People working sweaty people ♪

♪ Labor Day, take the day off ♪

That's considerate to laborers.

I'm sorry, it's just... it's not
gonna happen, Brendan.

- Come on.
- You know what?

Come here, man.

I don't mean to flex my huge
muscles around... boom-boom...

right, but you better let
Brendan Fraser do the song

or else I'm gonna have to tell Jimmy,

and you don't want Jimmy
mad at you, do you?

[chuckles] Right?

You don't want Jimmy mad at you.

You don't want...

- Fine.
- Yeah.

You know what? I give up.

He can sing his r*cist song,
encourage stereotypes.

He could do it naked for all I care.

Really? Yo, Brendan...

He's not doing it naked.

- What? Naked?
- Yeah, naked.

- Hi, guys.
- What happened to you?

Oh, I had to prove my
love for another woman

by doing some unchristian
things to my backside.

In there.

Hi. Oh, Brendan Fraser, God,
I'm so glad you're on the show.

I am such a big fan.

I think you are one of the great
American actors.

Oh, thank you. That's nice.
What's your name?

Staci Cole. I'm the talent booker on...

- Oh, you...
- [farts]

- "Nightcap," yes.
- Staci, are you okay?

I'm fine. I'm fine.

Um... did you just make a
boom-boom in your pants?

No, I didn't make a boom-boom
in my pants.

Um...

[farts]

- [laughs]
- What?

Why are you laughing?

No, seriously, why are you...
why are they laughing?

- I don't know.
- Did you hear her?

She just farted.

- It's universally funny.
- Wait.

Everybody laughs when they hear it.

Okay, I had a tube up my
ass, you little Bolshevik.

Well, are you telling me
that farts are funny?

- Yeah.
- [farts]

[laughter]

Farts are funny?

They were funny in the ' s.
They're funny again.

Why do I not know this?

Flag on the play.

I'm not doing the song.

If farts are funny,

this changes my whole
approach to comedy.

If you need me, I will be
dressing in my room.

Whatever you want, Brendan.

I just need to research
this a bit, okay?

Okay.

Okay, Davis wins again.

Oh, wait, I forgot. Davis always wins.

Well, while you were upstairs
getting everything you wanted,

I had a rubber hose up my... [farts]

[gasps]

Okay, that one really was a boom-boom.

Walk away. Walk away. Walk away.

[gagging]

[gasping]

Okay, okay, this is my favorite game.

[farts]

Ooh! Oh, my gosh.

Okay, me.

[farts] Ohh.

Wow.

Whoo.

I got another spot for you. Ready?

[farting] Oh, oh, oh.

Oh, my God.

That's was, like...

- Yeah.
- All right.

- Okay, me.
- All right.

[farts] Ooh, whoa.

[laughter]

[farting]