02x10 - Lunchtime! The Musical

[bunniefuu]

[groaning]

[grunts] Come on!

[groans] Okay.

[groaning]

Okay. [groaning]

Get up my butt! Get up my butt!

[groaning]

What is going on?

These are my fat jeans!

[Broadway music]

♪ ♪

I'm sorry, after you.

I couldn't possibly.
You were here first.

No, please. I insist.

Move it!

My favorite time of day... lunch!

[upbeat Broadway music]

♪ Lunchtime is the best time ♪

♪ Coming here is such a treat ♪

♪ Lunchtime is the best time ♪

♪ We only have one job and that's eat ♪

I agree. ♪ I always wait in line ♪

♪ I'd never brown bag it ♪

♪ Food so good
it should be rated by Zagat ♪

♪ The only time of the day
I'm not pissed off ♪

♪ Is when I'm here eating
my beef stroganoff ♪

♪ Food makes you smart
so fill up your plate ♪

♪ All the great artists
needed to hydrate ♪

♪ The à la carte menu totally frees us ♪

♪ We can thank one person for it ♪

♪ That's Jesus ♪

♪ ♪

All: ♪ Lunchtime is the best time ♪

♪ Coming here is such a treat ♪

♪ Lunchtime is the best time ♪

♪ We only have one job and that's eat ♪

♪ Hamburgers and french fries
and some sloppy joes, please ♪

♪ Chicken patties, corndogs,
tacos, and grilled cheese ♪

♪ Pepperoni pizza, nuggets, and pop ♪

♪ Uncooked cookies
with soft serve on top ♪

♪ Good thing I'm in sweatpants
from Old Navy ♪

♪ Because mama needs more room
for all the gravy ♪

♪ Gravy, gravy on all the food ♪

♪ Gravy, gravy I'm in the mood ♪

♪ Gravy on my chicken,
gravy on my fries ♪

♪ Gravy on my burger,
hell, I put gravy on my pies ♪

All: ♪ Gravy, gravy, gravy, gravy ♪

♪ Lunchtime is the best time ♪

♪ Coming here is such a treat ♪

♪ Lunchtime is the best time ♪

♪ We only have one job and that's eat ♪

♪ Lunchtime is the worst time ♪

♪ When trying to fit into jeans ♪

♪ Lunchtime is the worst time ♪

♪ When you want to look pre-teen ♪

♪ This whole room is filled
with the Devil's fried scent ♪

♪ Not being able to join
is pure torment ♪

♪ Look at them line up
like fat pigs at the slop ♪

♪ While I have to summon
all my will to stop ♪

♪ Lunchtime is the worst time

♪ For me ♪

[gasps]

Oh! Oh, what the...

- Oh, God!
- Chelsea?

Chelsea?

Ms. Bennigan, hi.

[whispering] Hot Dad.

Hidey-ho. What are you doing here?

Well, I'm the parent volunteer
for lunch this week.

Gonna be serving hot dogs.

Yum. I'd love to eat your hot dog.

[laughs]

Listen, uh, I want to apologize

for trying to kiss you

when you came over to babysit Blake.

When did we kiss?

Well, we didn't. You fainted.

I'm sorry. You're Blake's teacher

and my behavior was inappropriate.

It won't happen again.

Yes, that's probably for the best.

We should keep this
a professional relationship,

because...

[Broadway music]

♪ I am a teacher, you are a parent ♪

♪ I don't even know your name ♪

♪ I'm glad we agree
on what we should be ♪

♪ It's nice to feel the same ♪

♪ You are a teacher, I am a parent ♪

♪ A couple that shouldn't be ♪

♪ I won't interfere
with your great career ♪

♪ It's too important, I see ♪

♪ You are a parent, I am a teacher ♪

♪ Without boundaries we'd be lost ♪

♪ And as for your kiss, sir,
which I did miss, sir ♪

♪ These lines can never be crossed ♪

♪ You are a teacher and it's apparent ♪

♪ It's late and I must fly ♪

♪ I'm on lunch duty,
some gravy needs spooning ♪

♪ So... ♪

♪ Do... ♪

♪ I ♪

[bell dings]

- Morning, everyone.
- Morning.

Ooh, Deb. Looks like
that chicken fried steak

gave you a little pimple.

[gasps] This is bullshit.

Ugh. I took Accutane in high school

and it was supposed to get rid
of my acne forever.

The side effects from the stuff
makes you a depressed,

negative, suicidal mess.

Oh, so you're still taking it?

What? No.

Stop staring at me.

Oh! Everyone, shut up.

I have an announcement to make.

As of today, there will be
a new meal plan

here at Fillmore.

Here are the menus.

Lunch on Tuesday's kale
and a dollop of brown rice?

Dude, this is worse than P.O.W. food.

You can't tell us what to eat.

Actually, she can.

As a member of the LSC,
Miss Snap can recommend

suspension for any teacher
who doesn't comply.

Whoa. This sounds like the beginning

of a dystopian novel.

Get that snack cake out of my face!

They're not on the menu.

From now on, there will be
no more sugar, sodium,

starch, carbs, fat, or dairy...
for students or teachers.

The only food allowed on school grounds

is what's on the new meal plan.

[snaps fingers]

Thanks, guys.

Take that to the parking lot
and set it on fire.

This is terrible.

I think a less processed menu
is a great idea.

[funk music]

♪ There's a solution to the revolution ♪

♪ An evolution of what we eat ♪

Ms. Cannon, that's enough.
Peas and rice.

No one cares
about your farm-to-table BS.

I can't fit into my fat jeans!

Is what these children will
wake up and say to themselves

in the morning if we don't
get them on a healthy diet.

[bluesy rock music]

♪ At four years old ♪

♪ Mama put me on my first scale ♪

♪ From that day on ♪

♪ I lived in a food jail ♪

♪ Every time I go to lunch ♪

♪ I fail my diet regime ♪

♪ And then I get a FUPA ♪

♪ And lose my self-esteem ♪

♪ There's a new lunch lady in town ♪

♪ No snacks, no salt,
no carbs, no sweets ♪

♪ ♪

♪ If you want to be a winner ♪

♪ You've got to be thinner ♪

♪ It's just too easy to cheat ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Every magazine ♪

♪ Every reality show ♪

♪ Makes me feel like a dumpy-assed ho ♪

♪ So I push myself ♪

♪ Burn calories faster ♪

♪ I don't sit nowhere ♪

♪ Without my trusty ThighMaster ♪

♪ There's a new lunch lady in town ♪

♪ Gonna purge this school
and stand my ground ♪

Oh, baby.

♪ I've never felt such vim and vigor ♪

♪ I'm getting smaller ♪

♪ But my dream's getting bigger ♪

♪ 'Cause there's a new lunch lady ♪

♪ In town ♪

Damn it, Rory!

I haven't been this depressed

since I watched "The Da Vinci Code."

Yeah, this new lunch menu sucks.

Oh, come on, guys, it's not that bad.

There are some great things
about the new meal plan.

[funk music]

♪ Don't you want
small farms to thrive? ♪

- ♪ Plant... ♪
- Not now, Cecelia.

What are you so happy about?

I snuck in a little something-something.

How'd you get that in here?

My pants.

Ohh.

That's why you're wearing JNCO jeans.

You got any more?

Share-sies.

Oh, hey, Deb.

Don't look at me!

[bell rings]

Okay, two days on the new meal plan.

I've gained a pound?

How is that even possible?

What would Gwyneth Paltrow do?

[ominous music]

Today, lunch is liquid.

♪ ♪

[gasps]

No!

♪ ♪

It's like my senior yearbook
disaster all over again.

♪ ♪

[dramatic music]

[scoffs]

♪ I thought the days ♪

♪ Of humiliation were behind me ♪

♪ But now I've got this mountain
on my face ♪

♪ To remind me ♪

♪ Of high school shame and nasty games ♪

♪ And vicious insults ♪

♪ Is there anything worse than having ♪

♪ Acne as an adult? ♪

Ah!

♪ So now I must hide
this hideous seeping welt ♪

♪ So that no one can once again ♪

♪ Make me feel the way I felt ♪

♪ I'll slip through Fillmore ♪

♪ Like a phantom, keeping mum ♪

♪ I just wish this zit would
stop pounding ♪

♪ Like a drum ♪

Mrs. Adler?

Can we keep the lights on?

We can't see our quizzes.

Oh, yeah.

Of course. Sorry.

What's on your face?

It's half of a Korean sheet mask.

[dramatic music]

Chelsea, I think I made a huge mistake.

Shh. Do you smell that?

[sniffs]

That's not lemon, pepper, or cayenne.

No. Hot Dad told me

that he tried to kiss me
and I freaked out.

[sniffs]

[sniffs]

There is chocolate
in the general vicinity.

I told him that I wanted
to keep our relationship

purely professional, because I thought

that's what he wanted,
but it might not be

what he wanted, because at one point

he wanted to kiss me,
which is what I wanted.

[sniffs] Mary Louise,

I don't have time to teach you

how to act like a normal human being.

Just tell him how you really feel.

[scoffs]

[sniffing]

[sniffs deeply]

[dramatic music]

Whoa! [gasps]

I knew it!

Someone is hiding food at this school.

When I find out who did this,
I will hunt them down

and decapitate them,
if I can get a Kn*fe

through the fat layers
of their fat necks!

♪ ♪

[chuckles] Oh, sorry,

that was the cayenne talking.

I mean, I'll recommend
to the LSC they get suspended.

[dramatic sting]

[loudly] Thanks for returning
my student's backpack.

[quietly] This is full
of Cool Ranch chips, right?

And there's more where that came from.

[dramatic music]

♪ Feldman's gonna have her way today ♪

♪ Setting up a junk food buffet ♪

♪ Snap can't catch me
but she'll taste the backlash ♪

♪ She'll never find
my main candy stash ♪

♪ Today ♪

♪ With my waist trainer
tightened today ♪

♪ My senses are heightened ♪

♪ I know there's junk food around ♪

♪ Whoever did this is going down ♪

♪ Today ♪

♪ My fate I will soon seal ♪

♪ Today I'll tell Hot Dad ♪

♪ Just how I feel ♪

♪ Gonna figure out the sitch ♪

♪ Gonna trick that skinny bitch ♪

♪ Maybe I'll get hitched ♪

All: ♪ Today ♪

♪ ♪

[gasps] I found it!

Oh.

Ugh!

Who eats this?

[sighs]

Oh.

Ohh.

Mmm, mmm.

[garbled] Oh, my God, this so good!

Oh, yeah.

Stop eating, you disgusting pig!

How much do I weigh now, Mommy?

Oh.

[moaning]

Oh, this poutine is so good.

No. You can't do this!

[panting]

[grunts]

Ha! Burn, you sweets of Satan, burn!

[dramatic music]

Attention, there will be no lunch today.

I repeat, lunch is cancelled!

That is all.

What are you doing?

Studies have shown

that eating is an
inappropriate use of time.

Snap's out of control.
You have to do something!

Isn't it funny, after all
the trouble you've caused me,

now you need my help. Hmm.

And in the middle of my spring cleaning.

Well, it doesn't come for free.

[cabaret music]

♪ Ask any of the teachers
at this school ♪

♪ They'll all tell you
I can be pretty cool ♪

♪ But this is not a one-sided trade ♪

♪ Because one day,
Papa might need your aid ♪

♪ ♪

♪ You cause a lot of trouble ♪

♪ And I've never laid you off ♪

♪ But Papa needs your help too ♪

♪ Sometimes I want to get off ♪

Excuse me?

Early... from work.

What? I work a lot of late nights.

♪ ♪

♪ If I do you a favor ♪

♪ And help you with your plan ♪

♪ I'll want a little reward ♪

♪ To make me feel like a man ♪

Whoa. What are you suggesting?

Just, like, a nice bottle
of Sutter Home white zin

or a gift certificate to World Market.

Something fun.

♪ This job can be real stressful ♪

♪ And it's hard to pull through ♪

♪ But when you're good to Papa ♪

♪ Papa's good ♪

♪ To you ♪

Okay, I'm pretty skeeved out,
so I'm gonna leave.

Hm.

Mmm. It's not real,
but at least it's sweet.

[sobbing]

[ominous music]

Deb?

Are you okay?

Did you get the veggie smoothie
runs like Mr. Spinnoli?

I can't show my face.

Deb, is this about your zit?

Look at how crazy Chelsea's gotten

because she's worried about her looks.

Don't tell me looks don't matter.

My skin was so bad my senior year,

everybody called me Edward James Olmos.

[doo-wop music]

♪ Appearances don't matter ♪

♪ Is what you say to ugly freaks ♪

- Men: ♪ Ooh ♪
- ♪ Of course they matter ♪

♪ But there're so many things
you can tweak ♪

- ♪ So trust me, Debbie Do-Dah ♪
- men: ♪ Ooh oh ♪

- ♪ I have a big bag of tricks ♪
- men: ♪ Ooh, ooh, wah ♪

♪ For every unsightly problem ♪

- Men: ♪ Ooh, wah ♪
- ♪ There's a simple fix ♪

♪ For us women there are
so many tools at the ready ♪

- Men: ♪ Ooh, wah, ah, ah ♪
- ♪ Lasers, BOTOX ♪

♪ Or if it's really big, a machete ♪

- Men: ♪ Ooh, wah, ah, oh ♪
- ♪ Extensions, exfoliants ♪

♪ Tweezers, dye, wax, peels, and Spanx ♪

♪ Men tell you what you need ♪

♪ You don't even have to say thanks ♪

- Men: ♪ Ooh, wah ♪
- ♪ I know right now ♪

♪ That your skin is causing anxiety ♪

Men: ♪ Ooh, wah, ah, ah ♪

♪ For that we must thank
patriarchal society ♪

♪ So come out Debbie Do-Dah ♪

♪ You can still have all of your kicks ♪

♪ For every unsightly problem ♪

♪ There's a simple fix ♪

Men: ♪ Woo ♪

I'm sure it's much better already.

If not, I've got some zit cream.

Let's take a look.

It's okay.

That's it.

[ominous music]

Back! Back to the shadows!

♪ ♪

Hot Platonic Friend.

Hello, there. [laughs]

I haven't seen you all week,

but apparently lunch is cancelled,

so I'm gonna head home.

Listen, there's...

♪ Something I want to tell you
but it's not easy to say ♪

♪ I'm not a forward person,
I would rather run away ♪

♪ When I share my feelings,
it makes me very antsy ♪

♪ I sweat, I giggle, I freak out ♪

♪ I want to poop my pantsy ♪

♪ I don't know why I said that ♪

♪ I have never pooped my pants ♪

♪ Oh, God, I can't stop talking ♪

♪ Do not think I've pooped my pants ♪

♪ All I want to say is... ♪

ML? I need you.

I have to cover my body in lotion

and wrap it in plastic wrap
for hours.

I've read it can take
up to an inch off my waist.

Not... now.

Oh, my God. You two make Jane Austen

look like a one-night stand.

Okay.

[both laugh sheepishly]

So what was it that
you were gonna tell me?

Right. [sighs]

I was just about to get
to the important part.

Well, there's...

♪ Something I want to tell you
but it's not easy to say ♪

♪ I'm not a forward person,
I would rather run away ♪

♪ When I have to share feelings
it makes me very antsy... ♪

Mary Louise, if you see Deb,
can you tell her

that she's still beautiful...
on the inside?

- Thanks.
- What?

Okay, Mary Louise,
what were you gonna tell me?

Let me start from the beginning.

Or you could just skip ahead.

Okay. There's...

♪ Something I want to tell you
but it's not easy to say ♪

♪ I'm not a forward person,
I would rather run away ♪

Bennigan, we've got to do something.

I was down for healthier food choices,

but now Chelsea's starving everyone.

We have to start a rebellion.

The children are "Les Misérables."

We won't stand for this,
not one day more.

I have to go.

Uh, Mary Louise, wait!
What were you gonna tell me?

[grandiose music]

♪ Do you hear our stomachs growl? ♪

Both: ♪ They refuse to be quiet ♪

All: ♪ They are full of angry sounds ♪

♪ Caused by Chelsea's stupid diet ♪

♪ We are sick of not being heard ♪

♪ We are sick of Chelsea's plans ♪

♪ We need to get our treats,
we need to lift the ban ♪

Eh.

[sobbing]

[sad music]

♪ Am I a bad person ♪

♪ For wanting to look hot?

♪ Am I a bad person ♪

No. [scoffs] That's bullshit.

[tense music]

Stop it!

Why can't we all sacrifice our bodies

for societal standards?

- ♪ I will never surrender ♪
- ♪ Snap, you're going down ♪

♪ And all will join me in this feat ♪

- ♪ I will never repent ♪
- all: ♪ Beyond this ♪

♪ Hell juice cleanse ♪

♪ There is more food we want to eat ♪

- ♪ If I die, I'll die slender ♪
- all: ♪ This hunger ♪

- ♪ Can't be quenched
- We'll destroy this awful wench ♪

- ♪ For our... ♪
- ♪ When my last breath is... ♪

- All: ♪ Sweets ♪
- ♪ Spent ♪

What is going on in here?

Ms. Snap, we are getting
parent complaints.

Children are starving,

and apparently, so are the teachers.

Starting now, lunch is back

and the old lunch plan is reinstated!

[all cheering] Burgers!

- Oh, fries!
- Pizza!

Victory is ours.

No. You can't do this to me!

Chelsea, there's
a four-year-old inside of you

who's been starving
for the last years.

[soft music]

[quavering breaths]

[groans]

Mmm.

[sobs]

[sniffs]

This tastes like love.

Yeah. It's a hamburger.

All: ♪ Gravy, Gravy, Gravy, Gravy ♪

♪ Gravy, Gravy, Gravy, Gravy ♪

- ♪ Lunchtime is the best time ♪
- ♪ Ah, ah, ah ♪

All: ♪ Coming here is such a treat ♪

♪ Lunchtime is once again
the best time ♪

♪ We only have one job ♪

♪ And that's eat ♪

Oh! Son of a nut sack! My good cheek!

Hey.

I'm done volunteering for the week.

So headin' out.

I wanted to be kissed.

[soft music]

That's what I was trying to say.

What you did wasn't
inappropriate at all.

I've always...

liked you.

♪ ♪

Hey! There you are.

Sharon.

I've been waiting in the parking lot.

You said you'd drive me
to the good casino in Joliet.

Who is this?

Oh. His wife.

And you must be Ms. Brannigan.

Blake has told me so much about you.

It's Bennigan.

Let's go.

What's going on with that uniform?

[purrs] You look like a n*zi.

[laughs]

Mary Louise, I figured out

how I can still fit into a size four.

[chuckles] Pajama Jeans.

[laughs]

Look at 'em go.

[laughs]

These things are great.

[sobs quietly]