02x08 - Frankenstein and the Horny Villagers

[bunniefuu]

- Hey, how do I look?
- Incredible.

All men want to be you,
all women want to be with you.

Could you at least look at me
before you answer?

I stand corrected.

All men want to be with you...

Charlie, come on.
I'm really nervous here.

This is my first real date since college.

- What the hell is this?
- Bourbon.

- You drink bourbon while you work out?
- Gin makes me sweat.

Look, don't turn this into a bigger deal
than it needs to be.

- You met a woman, you asked her out...
- Technically, she asked me out.

See, I was in the market, and she
needed advice on picking out corn.

There were no employees around.
There never are.

Even if they are, they're not
knowledgeable about produce.

- Thank God you were there.
- Tell me about it.

I explained that you have to
husk a few ears...

...to check the firmness
of the kernels.

Next thing you know,
she asked me out.

Well, I guess that's why they say no one
gets more action than a greengrocer.

- They say that?
- No.

The point is, it's just dinner.

You'll go, you'll bore her to death,
you'll come home.

Yeah, I know, but I wanna look good
while I'm doing it.

You look fine. Just relax. Be yourself.

Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

- You think I should bring some condoms?
- Why?

Well, I see the
public service commercials...

Yeah, you're right. See you later.

Feel the burn.

I think it's going well.

My God, Alan. You're like a machine.

I'm a love shark, baby.
If I stop making love, I drown.

Okay, okay, okay.
Wait a sec, wait a sec:

Sharks don't growl.

All right, I'm a love bear.

If I stop making love,
I prevent forest fires.

Jeez.

- Alan.
- Put that out.

- Morning.
- Morning.

I see you've been working out again.

Yeah, well, it's good for my heart.

I figure the liver damage
makes it kind of a push.

Morning, all.

- Morning.
- Morning.

Thirsty.

Alan.

Well, gadzooks,
Zippy's getting his freak on.

Yeah, it seems we're living
in an age of miracles.

I guess if they can put
a man on the moon...

...they can put a woman
on your brother.

- Who's the girl?
- I don't know.

He met her at the supermarket.
Helped her pick out corn.

Corn?

Well, I'm not in any position to judge.
I once did a guy for a t*nk of gas.

- Hey, Alan? Alan?
- Yeah?

- What you got there?
- Basting brush...

...chocolate sauce, rubber gloves. You
know what we're gonna use them for?

- No.
- Neither do I.

Charlie, I have never had sex
like this before in my life.

In fact, I don't think anything I've had
prior to this can even be called sex.

Because if you call that sex,
we need a new name for this.

My suggestion would be
"hootenanny yum-yum."

I'm happy for you.

Me too. Oh, do we have a step stool?

- Hallway closet.
- Thank you.

- You might wanna pace yourself.
- Yeah, right.

Oh, boy.

- What?
- Oh, boy.

Can I watch TV?

I don't see why not.
You got eyes and a butt.

Where's Alan?

- He's here.
- Well, may I speak with him?

Sure, why not.

Okay, okay. Wait a sec.

- Ta-da!
- Yes!

Not a good time, Charlie.

Well, I thought you might like to know
that your ex-wife and son are here.

She's supposed to bring him on Friday.

It is Friday.

But not until 5.

It is 5.

Okay, cover for me. I'll be right out.

- Alan.
- Yeah?

You might wanna take off
the rubber glove first.

Good thinking.

- He'll be right out.
- Thank you.

So...

...how are you?

What's going on in there?

Alan's moving furniture around,
because he's constantly redecorating.

Sorry, I was taking a nap.

So... So, what's up?

I wanted to remind you that Jake has his
karate tournament tomorrow morning.

- Okay.
- What's that on your face?

- Just a little chocolate sauce.
- Thank you.

Got it, karate tournament,
tomorrow morning.

Alan, what's going on?

What's... What's going on
is I was lying in bed...

...eating a sundae.

- After moving furniture.
- After moving furniture.

And I fell asleep
in some chocolate sauce.

Goodbye, Alan.

- I think she bought it.
- You think?

No.

Why didn't you tell her
you've got a woman?

I don't know. It just seems wrong.

You're divorced.
You have nothing to feel guilty about.

It's not guilt. It's more shame.

- What are you ashamed of?
- Charlie, I spent 12 years with Judith.

We went through a lot together.
You can't just erase all that...

...by lapping chocolate sauce
out of another woman's navel.

Okay, my fault for asking. Now,
what do you wanna do about Jake?

Oh, my God, Jake's here.
I don't want him to know I'm dating.

This is not dating, Alan.
This is rubber gloves and step stools.

All right, all right.

You distract him, and I'll
sneak Nancy out and drive her home.

- Fine.
- Okay.

Wrong. This is just wrong, so wrong.

Hey, Jake, wanna go
sh**t some hoops?

In a minute.

He's oblivious. Just go.

In a minute.

No, he's still watching TV.
Hold on, I'll check.

- You hungry?
- What are we having?

- I don't know. Tell me if you're hungry.
- That depends on what we're having.

- Okay, what do you want?
- What do you got?

He's not hungry.

So I thought you were taking her home
and coming right back.

You checked into a hotel?

No, you're right,
driving that way is dangerous.

One pothole
can change your life forever.

When's the last time you ate something?
Quit giggling, you know what I mean.

Okay. Okay, look in the honor bar
for some Gatorade or something.

Dehydration is the enemy.

All right, have fun. See you later.

I am hungry. What's for dinner?

- What do you want?
- What do you got?

I think there's a couple of steaks
in the freezer.

I want chicken.

It's just wrong.

So very, very wrong.

- You full?
- Yeah.

- Good.
- Why, what else we got?

- You said you were full.
- I am.

Good.

But what else we got?

Sorry, I'm late.
I had to go to the office...

...for an emergency,
and I got a flat tire.

And so I had to wait for the auto club
to come and change it.

And I didn't have my card.

And the guy had to check me
on the computer...

...even though I've been a member
since 1989.

And that's why it took until now
for me to get back.

Thought you were here.

I missed you, Alan.

Thank you. Can I speak with you
for a minute?

- Hey, Uncle Charlie, what's for dessert?
- You said were full.

Not for dessert.

- Okay, what do you want?
- What do you got?

How do you not k*ll him?

Charlie, I feel horrible
about what I'm doing.

Then you're doing it wrong.

No, I feel like
I'm abandoning my child.

Weren't you listening?
He didn't even notice you were gone.

That's not the point.

What kind of man chooses sex
with an insatiably hot stranger...

...over quality time with his little boy?

I don't know, a man who was married
for 12 years and had sex 12 times.

You're right, I deserve this.

Exactly, so go enjoy yourself.

Well, I do have the room
the whole night.

Yeah, most of your better hotels
prefer you do it that way.

Just make sure Jake goes to bed early.
He's got karate in the morning.

- Which, of course, you'll be back for.
- Charlie, trust me.

You, I trust.
It's him I'm worried about.

What?

Oh, you've gotta be kidding me.
I have to take him to karate?

Alan, it's 6:30 in the morning.

What kind of maniac broad
did you hook up with?

She's incredible, Charlie.
I've never met anyone like her.

Gotta go.

Jake, wake up.

Well, I tried.

- Anybody home?
- Right here.

Where's Jake?

I don't know.
Didn't he have a karate tournament?

Yes. You were supposed to take him
three hours ago.

- Why didn't you take him?
- He wouldn't get up.

I tried everything.

What time did he go to bed?

I don't know. I crashed around 2
and he was still going strong.

He was up past 2?

He said he's had coffee before,
but that was a lie, right?

Okay, okay, all right, it's not important.
The karate was his mother's idea. Listen.

I need to ask you for another favor.

Oh, come on, put it in the holster,
Wild Bill.

No, no, no. This isn't about sex.

I need you to watch Jake
for the rest of the weekend...

...so that Nancy and I can go to Vegas
and get married.

Oh, God, Alan. There's no need
to marry the woman.

If you don't wanna have sex anymore,
just tell her.

No, no, you don't understand.

This is beyond sex.

We're in love.

Alan, come here.

You are not in love, you're besotted.

No, no, no, I have never felt like this
about a woman before.

We have a bond
that transcends the physical.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- Kind of a spiritual thing?
- Yes.

Okay. I can understand that.
So where's she from?

She's from around here.

- Where?
- Supermarket.

Charlie, stop that.

I have thought this through and I am
really and truly in love with...

- Nancy.
- I knew that. I knew that.

I was looking for the proper adjective
to describe her.

Nuts? Easy? Limber?

Charlie. Charlie, you started off
on the wrong foot with my first wife.

Do not make the same mistake with...

...wonderful Nancy.

Okay, you're right. This is not about her.
Come here. Sit down.

- You gonna hit me?
- Well, let's see how it goes.

Okay, look, I've never been
much of a big brother to you.

I didn't protect you. I wasn't
around when you started dating...

...when you got married and had Jake.
You know why?

- Why?
- I was busy getting laid.

Which makes me the perfect big brother
to help you now.

I've been through this. I know
what it means to confuse sex with love.

That's not what I'm doing, Charlie.

We're talking about me, and I've
been down this road many times.

I remember this one girl.

We had this unbelievably
hot weekend together.

It was like nothing I'd ever
experienced before, and I proposed.

- I begged her to marry me.
- Wow, where did you meet?

Detention.

- This was in high school?
- Eighth grade.

And then years later, it happened again
with a different woman.

Instant chemistry.
The sex was unbelievable.

I was convinced we were soul mates,
so I threw myself at her.

I did everything
to get her to marry me.

And you know what?
If she'd said yes...

...I'd now have a 67-year-old ex-wife
on a belly dancer's pension.

So, what I'm trying to say...

...is you're not the first guy
to mistake passion for true love...

...and you won't be the last.

If someone had told me
what I'm telling you...

...I could have saved myself
a lot of heartache.

Okay. I hear you. Thank you.

You're welcome.

So make sure Jake doesn't fill up on junk
food, and I'll call you from Circus Circus.

Circus Circus?

You're right, money should be no object.
What's the hotel with the pirate show?

I'm sorry, Alan,
but I'm gonna have to knock you out.

- Hello?
- Mom, thank God you're here.

Oh, I don't need
your sarcasm, Charlie.

No, I mean it. I need you.
Alan needs you.

What's going on?

Alan, tell Mom your plans
for the weekend.

- No.
- Why? Embarrassed?

- No. No.
- Ashamed?

- Scared?
- Yes.

Sweetheart, I'm your mother.
You can tell me anything.

Okay. I met a wonderful woman
in the supermarket a few days ago...

...and we're getting married.

I see.

For God's sake, if you're that horny,
find a nice call girl, put her on retainer.

This is not about sex.

Oh, please. What else could it be?

- Well, it could be love.
- Yeah. Sure.

Who is this woman?
What does she do?

She does Alan.

Okay, okay, that...
That is how it started...

...but in the last day and a half
it has blossomed into so much more.

Oh, my randy little nincompoop.

Listen, if I had gotten married...

...after every weekend of hot, sweaty
debauchery with a virtual stranger...

...you'd have, well, many more
stepfathers than you already have.

She knows what
she's talking about, Alan.

Mom's been on more hotel pillows
than a chocolate mint.

Don't help me, Charlie.

Now... Now, listen, sweetheart.
Sweetheart, no offense...

...but since you're dirt-poor
and living with your brother...

...one must ask, what kind of woman
would agree to marry you?

Unless she's a little slow,
or looking for a green card.

Listen to your mommy, Alan.

No. No, I am gonna listen to my heart.

For your information,
she hasn't agreed to marry me.

- I haven't even asked her yet.
- But you're planning to?

- Yes.
- I'm not going to hit you, darling.

Charlie.

Okay, look, I will thank you both
to let me live my own life.

I love Nancy, and Nancy loves me.

And if this is a mistake,
then it will be my mistake.

Hello? Nancy. You miss me?
I miss you.

Listen, there's something I wanna
ask you, but I wanna do it in person.

Oh, oh, okay, okay. I understand.

Yeah, sure. Sure. Bye.

Her husband came back a day early.

Okay, my mistake.

- You hungry?
- What do we got?

What do you want?

I don't know. What are my choices?

You can cook something,
or go live on the street.

I'm not hungry.