05x13 - The Darkest Hour Part 1

[bunniefuu]

HEARTBEATS

This is it, Vlad.

Let the countdown begin!

- ALL:
- Five, four,

three, two, one...

Happy birthday!

All hail The Chosen One!

Don't forget to make a wish.

I need blood!

No!

I don't want to be The Chosen One.

I don't want to be a vampire.

I want to be human!

You're not human and you never will be.

You go outside, you'll be dust.

Let me be a human!

HE GASPS

Rise and shine, sleepy dead.

The day is almost done.

The sun is being booed off the stage -

"Boo! Get off!" -

and the moon is waiting in the wings to sing you...

Happy birthday, Vlad.

It doesn't feel like my birthday.

It feels like I'm going to my own funeral.

I'd just put that down to waking up in a coffin.

Oh, come on! You should be excited - soon you'll acquire powers

that the rest of us lesser immortals can only dream of.

What if I don't want those powers?

Well...although you're called The Chosen One, you don't,

in fact, have a choice.

I don't want Sally and George coming to my party tonight.

I mean, what if...

I turn into some kind of bloodthirsty monster at midnight

- and try to bite them?
- Well, it's too late.

I've already sent one of those breather carriages to pick them up.

I can't believe you're going dressed like that.

I just want to make sure that everybody keeps their distance.

I'd rather be unpopular than undead.

Vlad won't let anybody harm us.

Oh, all right.

But in an emergency, burst this.

I didn't know vampires were scared of loud bangs.

I filled it with garlic juice before I put the helium in.

What's in the cake? A UV grenade?

Sorry! Probably can't see through your...

Oh. Oh, your mirror's broken.

Yeah, I've been meaning to get that fixed.

BANGING

- What was that?
- Just a bump in the road.

Relax - we'll be there soon.

ROCK MUSIC PLAYS

Help! Help!

Ow! Ah!

Where's my face gone?

BELL RINGS

I smell burnt blood.

Oh!

Show me what abomination you're planning to serve my birthday boy.

We've got finger food, haven't we?

Ready-salted lips, mice bums, slapjacks, lollyclots...

Oh, and my personal favourite - sugared slugs. Get a load of that!

The slug doesn't taste as sweet as it used to.

Ah! That's because you've swapped your sweet tooth

for something a little...

sharper.

From now on, the one thing you'll want to bite most

is warm, red and soon to be undead.

We're not allowed to bite breathers, are we?

One day that'll change. And you...

- ..need to be ready, Renfield.
- Ah.

Come on! Come on!

Pretend I'm a breather. "Hello, good morning."

att*ck me! att*ck me!

Come on!

Ow!

I've created the world's worst vampire.

Perhaps you could give me a few tips.

Yes, yes, I could. Get used to being hungry.

I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with...

B.

- Bats?
- No.

- Blood?
- No.

Here we are, end of the line.

- Big brother!
- Oh!

Now, that's not fair - you can't even see Vlad from here.

I didn't realise I was driving the birthday boy's sister to the party.

And his mum!

You don't look old enough to have an -year-old son.

If you're looking for a big tip, you're going the right way about it.

DRIVER CHUCKLES

OK, what do you want?

Well, can't a doting father spoil his favourite son on his birthday?

Really, this is too much.

I'm welling up here!

There may be tears, Vladimir. There may be tears.

I'm sorry. It's just, you've never got me a present this big before.

Well...you were never before.

Da-da!

Ba-da!

No, no. No, no. I...

I wouldn't do that just yet.

Not until you get your new powers.

What is it? Some kind of plant?

Ah! Inside this box

is one of the seven wonders of the underworld.

A clean pair of Renfield's pants?

This is the Magister Maleficorum.

I thought that was just a legend.

Ah!

An object of unimaginable power,

containing pure evil,

handed down the generations for safekeeping

and now I'm-I'm-I'm...

giving it to you.

Most -year-olds get a car, Dad, not all the evil in the universe!

No. Don't touch! Don't touch!

- You've broken it, haven't you?
- No. No. No.

It's a very valuable antique - just needs a little bit of, er,

restoration - that's all.

You want me to fix it so no-one finds out what you've done.

All you've got to do is pop the evil back inside,

seal up the hole and Bob's your uncle. Good as new.

Happy birthday, Vlad.

Next time, just get me a book token.

I thought we were using Vlad's friends

as a human shield in the att*ck.

- They're not Vlad's friends.
- Hello?! They're at his party.

On the drive over here, I discovered something.

- What?
- That you are the worst spy in the world.

Those breathers are Vlad's mother and sister!

- Vlad's mum is a breather?
- Yes.

Vlad is Dimidius - half vampire, half breather.

We'll get our revenge by shaming the whole of the Dracula family.

Let's go round them up and dust them.

No. We do this right.

I'll inform the Vampire High Council,

you gather the soldiers and guard the exits. No-one leaves.

And try not to mess this up!

Surprised you're still here.

I thought you had places to go, people to bite.

I promised Vlad I'd be here for his big day.

Bet you did.

So, are you here for the power or the presents?

- GEORGE:
- Vlad...we're here.

It's good to see you.

Sally, Sally, bring it in! Bring it in!

There's a hug here with your name on it.

- Yeah, I'd rather not.
- Hmm?

- Just in case there's a neck here with your teeth on it.
- Ooh!

Then how about a fangs-free high-five?

- Hey, Count.
- Hey.

I'm sorry. I'm just a little bit nervous.

- You know, after what happened last time.
- It's all right, Mum.

Renfield's been here for years and he hasn't been bitten.

Actually, breaking news - I've joined the club.

- Look!
- HE CHUCKLES

Although his membership is... very much under review.

OK, so maybe he's not the best example...

You'll be OK. Look, thank you for bringing the food.

Yes, it's nice to have some breathers in.

Oh, you mean the cake.

Ignore Ingrid. She's a team player now...

- apparently.
- It's fine.

I've missed the last birthdays - I'm not going to miss this one.

No, no, no. Don't worry, I'll protect you.

I'm highly trained and... armed to the teeth.

Lazak and Tag, it's me - Asan!

Wake up, you two.

You're going to be in big trouble

if you don't get down from there right now!

THEY CHUCKLE

These are real bats, aren't they?

Yes, Master.

Let's not mention this to my brother. OK?

Happy birthday, Vlad.

Wow!

That's beautiful. Thanks, Tal.

It's a Yin and Yang necklace.

They're detachable, so when you meet someone special you give them half.

That way, you can always be connected...

..even when you're apart.

I think someone's hoping for a % return on their investment.

We're just friends - a concept you'd struggle to get your head around

- because you haven't got any.
- Ouch!

Here we are.

It's nearly midnight, Vladdy. Wait, wait, wait.

This is it, Vlad!

Let the countdown begin!

- ALL:
- Five, four,

three, two, one...

Happy birthday!

All hail The Chosen One!

Don't forget to make a wish.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Dracula family, follow me -

there'll be a queue at the front door waiting to worship Vlad.

Let the grovelling begin!

Sorry, duty calls.

Renfield, cut the cake. We won't be long.

Ah! The Leader of the Vampire High Council.

This is, indeed, an honour.

May I present my son, The Chosen One?

A-ha-ha!

Vladimir Dracula...

..I am arresting you on suspicion of being a half-breather.

You do not have to say anything,

but it may harm your defence if you do not mention when questioned

something you come to rely upon in court.

This is an outrageous accusation.

Where is your evidence? Hmm? Hmm?

Upstairs, eating cake.

Good work, brother.

You two just never give up, do you?

You, too, are also under arrest, Count Dracula,

for committing the crime.

And Ingrid Dracula for being born of a criminal.

Oh, you chose the wrong day to take on this family.

Let me show you what I can do!

What I can do!

Yes, yes, yes, yes. You're really not helping.

You said the transformation would take place at midnight!

Well, I'm sorry, Cinderella, I can't just...

I can't just wave my magic wand and make it happen, can I?

So much for the all-powerful Chosen One.

- I've seen more threatening boils on Renfield's nose.
- Take them away!

You know I can't let you do that.

Oh, yay, it's the hippie to the rescue(!)

What are you going to do - hug them to death?

Is there something you'd like to share with the group, Vladimir?

She's my bodyguard.

You forget...

I taught you all your best moves.

- Get off me, Dad!
- "Dad"?

OK, you have really been holding out on us.

Collect the soldiers from the basement

and guard the breathers until I return.

Don't let them out of your sight.

I'm counting on you.

It's just a fishing exercise.

If they could... Ooh!

If they could prove Sally was your mother, we'd both be dust by now.

Deny everything.

Ah!

- Why can't I...?
- Don't worry - you'll get your powers back at dawn.

How do you know that?

Er...

I think I read about it somewhere. Yes, yes, yes.

It's all coming back to me now - half-breathers get their powers back

when the sun rises on their th birthday.

All we have to do is hold out till then.

These walls will be no match for The Chosen One.

I just hope Sally and George make it through the night.

We have to escape!

They must've tied you up cos they think you're still a breather.

Can't you turn into a bat and go and get help?

It's actually a lot harder than it looks.

Can't you turn into smoke? Every vampire can do that.

Oh, yeah. Rub it in, why don't you?

You can do it, Renfield. You just have to keep trying.

I hate being a vampire!

I thought it's what you always wanted.

I wanted to be like Master but... I'm rubbish.

I can't stop biting my lip.

You'll get it eventually, Renfield.

Why don't you try focusing on something? Like that balloon.

Just keep looking at it and thinking, "I am a bat."

HE CLEARS THROAT

I am a bat.

I am a bat.

I am a bat.

'When the guilty verdict comes in, we're biting the breathers.'

I did it!

I hate to break it to you, Renfield, but...

you're not a bat.

My vampire hearing is working!

I heard them say... they're planning to bite us!

Which, actually, is not such good news, is it?

Wait. Which one of the balloons has the garlic juice in it?

It could be any of them.

Then we're going to have to find a way to burst them all.

You won't break them - they're pure Argentellium.

I sat on the subcommittee that agreed the spec.

- Why didn't you tell me he was a half-breather?
- Because he's not.

Even when you were a child, I knew when you were lying.

How could you hurt me by deceiving me like this?

Oh! He's gone in early with the emotional blackmail.

My dad tends to hold back and only use that in emergencies.

I didn't mean to hurt you, Dad.

I was just doing my job - the one that you asked me to do.

I didn't ask you to babysit a half-breather.

Once you knew his true identity, you should have turned him in.

Why are all fathers so dense?

Can't you see your little girl has a serious crush?

We are just friends!

Really? You're sticking with that?

Make a full confession,

confirming he's Dimidius.

I'll take it to the council, get you a pardon.

I'm still his bodyguard and it is my duty to protect him.

I'd take a stake for him if I had to.

I don't know why they bother having daughters -

we're always such a massive disappointment to them.

It's like they want us to fail.

Mm, I hear you.

Breather food is so disgusting.

How can anyone eat this filth?

We should try it - research how disgusting it really is.

Eurgh!

OK. Ready, steady...

Now!

Get them!

That's not it.

George, run!

I'll stop him!

Stay here and keep guard. I'll find her!

George!

- George!
- ]

Let me save you the public humiliation of a trial.

Just sign this confession and all this can be over.

Let me think it over. At least give me until dawn.

Why? So you can make your choice to stay a vampire

and get your Chosen One powers?

Planning a breakout, are we?

What do you mean, "STAY a vampire"?

Dimidius have two sides - vampire and breather -

each fighting for dominance.

But at dawn on your th birthday, you have a choice.

In the three minutes it will take the sun to rise,

you can decide your own destiny.

Stay in the shadows and your vampire side becomes dominant,

your powers restored.

Step into the sunlight and your vampire side is destroyed,

leaving the breather side to dominate.

You become human.

No... No, that's not possible.

Vampire or human -

what's it to be, Vladimir Dracula?

Confess and we'll let you decide.

Confess and you'll be sweeping me up before sunrise.

It's your father we really want.

Testify against him and you can flap out of here a free vamp.

My family is worth more than my freedom.

A trial it is, then.

It's time.

Your trial is about to begin.

Not you.

Your case is being heard separately.

I want to see Vlad.

This trial is a formality. I doubt very much

whether you'll see any of the Dracula family ever again.

So much for "innocent until proven guilty".

If I don't come back, will you tell Piers that I...

..despise him?

How could you not tell me I had a choice?!

Well, it must have slipped my mind. Are you sure I didn't mention it?

I think I'd remember if you said I could become human.

Still, it's hardly a choice, is it?

Who'd want to become a stinking breather?

You knew... You knew it's what I've always wanted.

It's not all it's cracked up to be.

Do you really want to grow old and wrinkly with a face like a walnut?

It's a life. One life.

A beginning, a middle and an end.

I'll take that over being forever stuck in limbo on the night shift.

No more fangs, no more blood, no more hiding in the shadows.

You say "potato", I say "pot-ah-to". Anyway...

being immortal is fun

and if it isn't, then you're just doing it wrong.

If I get out of here before sunrise, I'm stepping into the light

and going to live with Sally and George.

It'll make a nice change living with people who don't lie the whole time.

HE MUTTERS

In life or death situations, a little white lie can be excused.

Now is definitely not the time to start telling the truth,

the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

SHE SCREAMS

- Gotcha!
- SHE YELLS

- What is that?!
- I don't know,

and I don't want to stick around to find out.

You're right - let's get out of here.

There!

As we drove into Garside,

the breather clearly stated that she was his sister.

And could you point out to the jury the vampire she was referring to?

It was Vladimir Dracula.

You can smell it on him. Dimidius!

Oh, this is preposterous!

Everyone knows there's a feud between our families

since the...unfortunate dusting of his father.

Unfortunate? He was m*rder*d by you!

It was self-defence after he dusted my son!

When I say "son", Malik wasn't really my son...

Let's stick to the relevant facts.

I admit I do want revenge.

But it doesn't alter the truth.

Vlad is a half-breather. An abomination.

I am The Chosen One.

That's what started this whole feud.

Why your sister wanted to marry me

and why his father planned to k*ll me

- after I'd bitten her on our wedding night!
- Enough!

There's a very simple way to settle this matter.

If you are, indeed, pure-breed,

all you need is to demonstrate to the jury now, before dawn...

..that you have powers.

Throw a fireball.

But he can't do that in here - his powers are far too strong.

It'd be as if Prometheus himself had scorched the room.

Then levitate.

I refuse to perform like a circus monkey.

I am The Chosen One. Release me!

And us. Us.

Yes. And them.

OK. If Sally isn't your breather mother,

you won't mind if I go to Garside and bite her.

Pathetic!

I rest my case.

Hurry up. He's coming round!

I hope these fangs are better on necks than they are on rope.

Do you think George managed to escape?

He's still out looking for her - that's a good sign.

GROANING

Unlike...

You're going to pay for this.

We're going to have to make a run for it.

Why are you helping me now?

You were tying me up ten minutes ago.

You've always been a friend to me.

It's time I did something for you.

Agh! Get the vampires - they're stronger!

I can't - they'll tell my brother.

- Please.
- He's counting on me.

Please, Asan!

Raise your hands,

all those in favour of finding the defendants guilty.

I'm memorising all your faces.

You especially.

However...

it is traditional in cases of Dimidius

to offer a family member a pardon.

You can't do that! They've been found guilty.

Show some respect.

The Leader has made his decision.

You're only doing this to ease your own conscience.

Keep your pardon - we don't want it.

He's joking.

Of course we'll take the pardon.

Vlad, you're a free man.

The Dracula throne is yours.

Just make sure my collection of slayer weapons goes to a good cause.

Like him.

The pardon will be decided by a fight to the dust.

The male members of the clan will fight first.

You...

..will fight the winner.

Why is it the girls never get to go first for anything -

even a fight to the dust?

Maybe now isn't the best time to be campaigning for equal rights.

Take them to the fight chamber!

Lock your coffins. I'm coming for each and every one of you. Yes!

Only one of you can get out of here.

But if you refuse to fight,

both of you will be taking an early garlic bath.

GUARDS CHUCKLE

Let the fight to the dust begin!

So...

how are you enjoying your birthday so far?

Right, right.