03x06 - Wake And Blake

[bunniefuu]

[ROCK MUSIC]

Blake, buddy, there's something
I wanna talk to you about.

- Mary-Louise and I...
- Who?

Ms. Bennigan.

Hello.

We've been spending a lot
of time together, and, well...

she's my girlfriend now.

And because you and I are a team,

I wanna make sure that my
star player's okay with that.

What do you say?

- Weird.
- [CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

Great talk.

- [VOCALIZES SIGH]
- What's wrong?

If you don't know, then
you're part of the problem.

Okay, I was only asking to be polite.

I really don't care.

I'm seriously outraged.
I started watching the news,

and things are, like, really bad.

Wait, you just started
watching the news?

Yes, ever since
my best friend Kimi d*ed,

I've wanted to make a difference

and become more aware
of the world around me.

Did you guys know immigrants
are treated terribly?

- And as an immigrant myself...
- You're from Indiana.

Yeah, I immigrated from
Indiana to Chicago, Cecelia.

Get woke.

Chelsea, Blake's in your class, right?

I don't know, I think so.

Every year it's just small
people with different faces.

Will you keep an eye on him?
Last night we told him

we're officially dating,
and it was weird.

- Why was it weird?
- Because he said "weird."

Then threw a ball against
the garage for minutes.

It's not surprising.
I mean, it's hard enough

for kids to accept when
their parents start dating

someone new,
let alone their old teacher.

Oh, yeah. Growing up,
my dad went on a date

with my summer swim instructor,

so I set the pool house on fire.

- Deb, that's arson.
- You know how kids are.

Bottom line is,
if the kid doesn't like you,

your relationship is screwed.

That's what I'm afraid of.

But I think if he gets to know me

he'll find out I'm pretty cool.
[CHUCKLES]

Uh-huh.

♪ ♪

Guys, I need you
to stop painting on the desks.

You said the world was our canvass.

You're sending mixed messages.

- No.
- [GASPS, SIGHS]

The world is seriously so screwed up.

And what're we gonna do about Kim?

Not Kardashian.
The fat, bad one in Korea.

People need to wake up.

It's up to us to change the world.

You are such a hypocrite.

What have you done to change the world?

- All you do is tweet.
- No, I retweet.

That means I agree with
and support others' ideas.

The only way things are
really gonna change

are if people get out
from behind their computers

- and actually do something.
- Ooh, that is good.

- I'm gonna tweet that.
- Stop.

I'm volunteering at
the hospital tomorrow night.

- Why don't you come with me?
- I'm busy.

- Doing what?
- [SIGHS] Okay, you got me.

What're you doing at the hospital?

Reading to comatose patients.

Fine, I'm in. [GASPS]

Have you ever seen
"While You Were Sleeping"?

Maybe some rich hottie
with caterpillar eyebrows

will wake up from his coma
and think I'm his fiancé.

♪ ♪

[CELL PHONE CAMERA SNAPS]

Ooh, are we making paper dolls?

I'm surprisingly good
at cutting out tiny shoes.

These digits are
more nimble than they look.

It's not a paper doll.
It's Flat Bradley.

My nephew in Japan mailed him to me.

I have to take photos with him
so his Japanese classmates

can learn about America.

Flat Bradley is such a fun
way for students to learn

about other parts of the world.

I brought my niece's Flat
Bradley to Montauk with me.

I took photos of him playing
grass court tennis

and sipping a mint julep. [GIGGLES]

What? It was just a sip.
Everybody needs a fun aunt.

Why don't you take
Mr. Bradley to the Bean?

Or to Navy Pier.
Don't you want your nephew

to get the real Chicago experience?

If that was the case, I'd mail him back

with a b*llet hole and a note
that said he loved it.

- Deb.
- I'm pregnant.

I'm not gonna drag this scrap
paper all over the city.

You cannot send these photos to Japan.

You're representing America.

And this lighting isn't
doing your coloring any favors.

Why don't you let us help you?

- We live for photography.
- You do?

We're currently photoshopping ourselves

into Anne Geddes images
for our Christmas card.

You're gonna die when you see
Toby napping in a watermelon.

- Adorable.
- Oh, this will be great.

We'll photoshop you and Flat Bradley

into Chicagoland hot spots,

and we can take the photos
right here at school.

- Okay, fine.
- [GASPS]

As long as it's easy and
I don't have to go anywhere.

So easy.

I'll start pulling images
from the internet

and calculate the direction of the light

in the source material.

I'll put together a mobile light package

and round up foreground elements

once we've locked our backgrounds.

[SHRIEKS] This is gonna be a hoot.

[LAUGHTER]

♪ ♪

Thanks for watching
Blake and his friends.

I didn't wanna cancel scary movie night

just because a possum is
stranded in a highway median.

No problem. It'll be a blast.

Plus I have some spooky
party tricks up my sleeve.

[LAUGHS] You don't have
to entertain them.

They'll just be watching the movie.

Be back in a few hours.

[PLAYFUL MUSIC]

♪ ♪

- Who's hungry?
- Shh.

We're watching the movie.

I just wanted to bring you
some snacks, but it's funny,

all the food in the kitchen
mysteriously disappeared.

So I had to go outside
and dig up some...

mud and worms!

Jeez, my grandma got me these pants.

I vant to suck your bl...

♪ ♪

[CHAINSAW WHIRRING]

♪ ♪

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Hello?

What do you mean have
I checked the children?

Seriously, stop.

Did you just say the calls
are coming from...

inside the house?

Ah!

That doesn't even make sense.

So the scary guy that was calling

just told you he was
calling from inside the house?

We've practically missed
the whole movie because of you.

Well, you're not missing much.

Billy Bob and the k*ller
decapitate each other

at the exact same time at the end.

ALL: Ugh.
- Are you kidding me?

I'll go now.

[ACOUSTIC GUITAR MUSIC]

- Your mom sucks.
- She's not my mom.

She's just some lady my dad likes.

♪ ♪

[ROCK MUSIC]

Blake's really excited
to go camping this weekend.

He's been collecting spiders
all week to throw in the fire.

Mm-hmm.

Is everything okay?

I don't think Blake likes me.

Is this because of his
reaction when I told him

that you were my girlfriend?
Don't take that personally.

He can't emote while he's eating.

No, it's more than that.

Last night I tried bonding with
him, but he wasn't interested.

I just don't know how this is gonna work

if your son doesn't like me.

Oh, no, this is over, isn't it?
You're gonna break up with me.

Oh, no, I can't believe it's over.

[CHUCKLING] Whoa, calm down.

I am not breaking up with you.

Blake just needs to get
to know you better.

Why don't you come with us this weekend?

Camping? I don't know.

I've never really been before.

- What about Rapture Camp?
- That's not really camping.

We just leave behind all of
our earthly possessions

and wait in the woods.

Well, this is gonna be
a little bit different.

- Okay. Do I need a g*n?
- No.

- For snakes?
- Nope.

Okay, I guess if I see a snake,

I'll just bash it
over the head with a rock.

♪ ♪

"Li Min sat alone in the
corner of her damp, dank cell.

"Was she truly alive if she
couldn't go where she wanted,

"communicate with people she loved?

"She found herself praying for death,

"a sweet release from
her meaningless life."

[SNORING]

- Chelsea, wake up.
- Oh.

- What?
- You fell asleep.

I'm sorry, but your reading
is putting me into a coma.

Do you wanna read the next chapter?

This lady doesn't even know we're here.

What's the point of giving back

if they can't even say "thank you"?

She can hear us.

We should be doing something

that will actually help these people.

♪ ♪

There you go...

Janice. You look beautiful.

- What're you doing?
- Giving Janice a makeover.

Why would anyone wanna wake up

when they look like a cold, dead fish.

Now she looks beautiful and fierce.

Isn't that right, Janice?

See? She likes it.

[UPBEAT DANCE MUSIC]

Give me a smile, Deb.

Now, Deb, think about the hot dog.

- What?
- The genuine Chicago dog.

- Think about it.
- You can smell the hot dog.

- Mm-hmm.
- It smells like summer,

like childhood, like America.

And this makes you proud. Be proud, Deb.

♪ ♪

That's your proud?

- She's not delivering.
- I know. Okay.

Forget pride.

Uh, you're a fiery Chicago broad

who curses every third word.

That's it, yes.

And all you want is that hot dog,

so you gotta go out
and get that hot dog.

Look at the dog. Look at the dog.

- Yeah.
- Look at the dog.

Look at the dog.

[BLUES GUITAR MUSIC]

That's really nice, hon,

but I don't think we'll use it.

Yeah, there's not even a river.

Oh, well, I blew it up anyway.

Just in case.

[GASPS] Oh! And I brought this
water filtration bottle

that can recycle urine
into potable water.

I could go now and in ten minutes

we could all have a glass.

Oh, we have drinking water.

Why don't you and Blake
go gather some sticks

while I finish pitching the tent?

Okay. Come on, partner.

Why are you talking like a cowboy?

I have no idea. Now, giddy up.

[CHUCKLES] I'm sorry.

Dagnabbit... ah, I did it again.

[POP MUSIC]

[HAIR DRYER WHOOSHES]

It's all about the volume, Irma.

[GASPS] No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

- [ALARM BLARES]
- Nurse, help.

Thank God you're here.

I can't leave her with half a blowout.

[ROCK MUSIC]

What're you doing?

Throwing away the tree garbage.

The sticks are for the fire.

- Oh, right.
- [SIGHS]

Do you see that? It's a barn owl.

- What?
- A barn owl.

Oh, I can't believe
I'm seeing one in person.

And she's a female.

You can tell by her spotted chest.

Wow, she's beautiful.

Did you know barn owls don't hoot?

They screech, like this, [SCREECHES].

How do you know so much about them?

I got really interested in owls

after my mom got a job at Hooters.

You know what animal I love?

The black-bellied whistling duck.

I think it's really funny
a duck can whistle.

Yeah, those are cool.

You know what other animal I like?

Tortoises. They can live to be over .

One time at the zoo,
I saw two of them humping.

And no one stopped me,

so I just stood
and watched them forever.

[JOYOUS EXHALATION]

[OWL SCREECHES]

[CAMERA SHUTTER SNAPPING]

Caroline, I see another nose hair.

- It's really pulling focus.
- Well, I know.

But every time I pluck one,
another one sprouts up.

- Okay, we're done.
- Oh.

I'm tired, sweaty, and my baby

is tap dancing on my bladder.

But we haven't even gotten
to the Navy Pier sh*t.

- No, give me the camera.
- Oh.

[EXHALES DEEPLY]

Damn, I am one beautiful bitch.

Told you. Toby's amazing.

Oh. [CHUCKLES]

Okay, well, I guess we can keep going.

- [GASPS]
- Caroline, more hairspray.

You missed some fly-aways
in some of those sh*ts.

Pump up the lip gloss,
and where is the lint roller?

I'm not a carpet, people.
I shouldn't look like one.

♪ ♪

So, how's everything going with Blake?

Actually, really well.
We saw a barn owl.

Oh, sounds like a hoot.

My famous chili's ready.

Oh, I'm afraid I'll have to pass.

I don't do too well with chili.

[SIGHS] Fine.

I don't know why I carried
chili for three

in my backpack all day. [SIGHS]

You know what? I'd love some.

Mmm. This is good.

This is really good. Who are you?

Emeril Lagasse? Bam!

Paula Deen? Add some butter.

Guy Fieri? Flavortown, population: me.

Ah.

Mmm.

Can I have another bowl?

Whoa. Okay.

♪ ♪

Okay, ready? One, two, three.

Damn, girl, do they have you
on hair gummies?

This is narsty.

[WHIMSICAL MUSIC]

Oh, my God. Dorothy?

Dorothy? She's awake.

Dorothy woke up.

I waxed her out of her coma.

[ROCK MUSIC]

The "Star Wars" movies are the best.

It's so stupid people argue about

whether they're boiler plate stories

following a simple
Joseph Campbell hero template,

or explorations of
the Judeo-Christian motif

of good versus evil.

They're both those things and more.

I'll have to watch them some time.

We can watch them when we get home.

Yeah, we have all nine on Blu-ray.

[STOMACH RUMBLING]

[FOREBODING MUSIC]

Mmm, these s'mores are yummy.

♪ ♪

He took the girl home,
but when he got out

to open the car door for her...

Uh, what? What happened?

Hanging from the car door handle...

- [STOMACH GROWLING]
- ...was a bloody metal hook.

Ah!

- Are you okay?
- I'm fine, I'm fine.

I got scared.

♪ ♪

[STOMACH RUMBLING]

♪ ♪

This mile isn't feeling so magnificent.

I'm shiny, I need more powder.

I just powdered you.

I can't even see Flat Bradley.

Can you just rotate
to your left, please?

No. Caroline, get me water.

She's so mean.

I even went out
and bought her that lovely top

and floral-print scarf from JC Penney

and this is how she treats us?

My Spanx are riding up.

Okay, what do you want me to do?

Get in there.

Go deep.

[GASPS]

It's really muggy up here.

You know what?
Maybe we can call it a night.

- We've already done setups.
- Fine.

But not until Bradley and I
have our candlelit dinner

at Gibson's Steakhouse.

[GASPS] Flat Bradley.

- Help!
- Oh.

Mm. Let him burn.

Ah... Oh, no.

Oh, God.

We can't thank you enough for
bringing my mother back to us.

It's my pleasure.

I was just looking to give back.

I never thought I'd give back life.

Oh, and FYI, tell Dorothy,
with her small eyes,

she should go easy on the eyeliner.

Okay.

Cecelia, I'm so glad you
brought me here.

I can't promise I'll be able to fix

all the patients tonight, but...

You don't really think you're
responsible

for waking her up, do you?

Listen, Cecelia.

I'm sorry that I'm better
at volunteering than you are.

- It's not a competition.
- Okay, but I did win.

I think if you put more thought
into your work

you'd get better results.

- More thought?
- Yeah.

I spent eight years with
these people, reading to them,

making sure that they know
they're not alone,

trying to give them
a better quality of life.

All you did was show up
and do what was fun for you.

Please do not lecture me.

All you've done is read boring
ass books for years,

and what's the most that's happened?

Someone's farted?

This morning when you came
into the teacher's lounge

talking about the state of the
world and all its injustices,

I thought maybe, just maybe,
she really is changing.

Maybe she really does
wanna make a difference.

But I should've known better.

You've never done a selfless
act in your entire life.

I don't know why I expected
this to be any different.

[SOLEMN PIANO MUSIC]

[STOMACH RUMBLING]

[WHINING]

[PERCUSSIVE MUSIC]

Oh.

[AQUEOUS FLATULENCE]

Ah...

[GASPS]

Blake. No.

[SOLEMN PIANO MUSIC]

Mm, hmm.

Hey, what's going on?

Dad, I wanna go home. I'm scared.

Is this about the hook?
It's just an urban legend.

I wanna leave. Now.

Okay, buddy. Okay, yeah, we can go.

♪ ♪

[SIGHS]

Dr. McCoy, pick up on line one.

Thanks for taking
a second shift, ladies.

We live to serve so others... can live.

Hmm.

Hi, I'm John Williams with
the "Chicagoland Gazette".

Well, hello there, John Williams.

I'm doing a story on Dorothy Sullivan

coming out of her coma, and
I've been told

that you were with her
when she first woke up.

I would love to get some quotes
for the piece.

Mmm, I would love to give you some.

[INHALES DEEPLY]

But the person you should
really talk to is Cecelia.

Cecelia's been by Dorothy's side,

and many of these other
patients' for years.

If you wanna know their story,
you should talk to her.

Are you sure about this, Chelsea?

I know it's your New Year's resolution

- to get your name in print.
- I know,

but I thought about what you
said and you're right.

This isn't about me.
This is about Dorothy.

And I think she would want you
to tell her story.

Plus, girl, it's a great way for you

to get your message out there
about volunteering.

These patients really need more
people like you.

Aw.

[ROCK MUSIC]

- Oh, hi, Blake.
- Mm, my dad's not home.

Actually, I wanted to talk to you.

Okay?

I'm so sorry about everything you saw.

I think it's obvious
why you were scared.

You saw a lot.

And I completely understand

if you never wanna be around me again.

I wasn't scared.

I just figured you'd rather
use the bathroom at home,

so I lied to get us out of there.

I didn't want you to have to tell my dad

you had expl*sive diarrhea.

Wow, thank you, Blake.

That was incredibly kind of you.

Also, that was a pretty
cool way to poop.

Climbing up on top of
the trash can like that.

That's what raccoons do.

Uh, do me a favor

and don't ever tell anyone you saw that.

Okay?

♪ ♪

It's amazing how much you
can learn by giving back

to your community.
When I first started voluntee...

Code blue, code blue.

Some idiot put makeup on Mrs. Gilmore

so nobody noticed she was cyanotic.

When we wiped it off,
she was completely blue.

[SIGHS]

We gotta get out of here.
Is there a back exit?

Mrs. Gilmore, don't forget your makeup.