05x09 - Wilds of Valley Glen

[bunniefuu]

What's one thing we all know
black people don't like?

Camping.

An overwhelming majority of
national park visitors are White.

Only 7% of national park
visitors are Black.

And they probably just got lost
on the way to Vegas.

The only good thing about camping

is all those comedies about
White people in the woods.

Oh! That boulder got him!

Should've stayed home!

- Oh, my God.
- Ha!

Buh-bye, arm.

- Whoo!
- Oh, my God.

The wilderness remains

- undefeated against White people!
- Oh, my God.

I told you this would be a mistake.

- I thought this would be funnier.
- It's not funny!

So I choose to honor
the great men and women

who didn't have a choice
about being outside

by keeping my Black ass inside.

Which is why I was
so horrified to hear this.

You need to take Jack and Diane camping.

What?!

Look, I can't take them camping.

- Why?
- I don't know anything about it.

The woods or...

or how to set up that...

that sleeping triangle thing.

The tent?

See? See?

You're already miles ahead of me.

- Oh, my God.
- Have fun tonight!

Oh, no, no, no, Dre.

I have surgery tonight.

And it is not just any surgery.

It is my chance

- at a SHLEB.
- A SHLEB?

Have you ever heard of the EGOT?

Yeah, yeah.

That's when you win an Emmy,

Grammy, Oscar, and a Tony.

- Mm-hmm.
- Whoopi has one.

Yep.

A real one.

Streisand walking around

like that honorary Tony counts.

It does not.

Well, the equivalent

for an anesthesiologist

is the SHLEB...

spine, heart, lungs,

eyes, and the brain.

I finally get a brain!

Easy, Scarecrow.

The only thing you should
be asking the Wizard for

is nicer feet.

Y...

- John Legend got an EGOT?
- Mm-hmm.

- Seems young.
- I know.

- Do we like him?
- We like him.

Let me see.

Ohh.

Oh, we like him.

- Yeah.
- Hey, hey. Oh, yeah!

Anyway, Dre,

you have got to take the kids camping.

It's for science extra credit.

Can't they just get some other
kids to sign in for them?

It's not even really camping.

You're gonna put a tent
on the football field at school,

and it's an opportunity

for you to have fun with the twins.

We always have fun!

We ate nachos and played "NBA 2K"

for four hours last night

when I told you I was working.

Kiss the controller.

Kiss the controller.

This trade is gonna
turn the Clippers around.

Trade rejected?! You [bleep]!

- Dang it!
- You kidding?!

We're basically triplets.

Watch this.

- Jack!
- Yeah?

- Diane?
- What?

Hey, you guys want to sleep

inside or outside tonight?

Inside!

Hm. Just like their daddy.

You are still taking them camping.

I know that.

But if you think
I'm just gonna roll over

because it's the right thing
to do, then...

...you don't know me.

And you've never known me.

Okay.

Look at all these smiling idiots.

How comfortable must you be

in your life for you to choose

to be homeless for a night?

For fun.

Grab my damn bag, Janine.

"Grab my damn bag, Mom."

Kids today.

Hey, Dre. How are you?
I'm gonna see you in there, right?

Can't wait to sleep with you!

That's a joke.

Oh, I love roughing it.

It's become clear to me

that...

...I'm gonna die here.

Pfft. Camping.

All the inconveniences of the apocalypse

and none of the fun.

We should be spending tonight

- going down an awesome YouTube spiral.
- Mm.

What are LeBron James' top five steals?

- Mm.
- What is a smart and easy way

to lose belly fat?

I mean, I don't know.

I'm not gonna find out now.

Warm fires, stars above, tasty groove.

- You said it, baby.
- One, two, three, unh!

Dad rock!

If that's gonna be a part of this,

we can't be here.

Ohh!

What choice do we have?

What about this choice?

We sign in, show our smiling faces,

get the extra credit,

and then, boom, spend a luxurious night

in a suite at the Four Seasons.

Can we play video games
until I fall asleep

- with the controller in my hand?
- Done.

Can we eat at the hotel restaurant

- and charge it to some stranger's room?
- Done.

Can I send a fax
from the business center?

Is there any other way to send a fax?

Done! Ha ha!

And just in case your mother
calls around looking for us,

we'll check in the hotel under the names

Quavo, Offset, and Takeoff.

- Drip, drip!
- Splash!

Let's get this camping garbage
over with.

Hey!

Thataway.

Well, that's that.

Just another routine bifrontal
craniotomy in the books.

Nothing special about that.

Actually, that was
my first brain surgery.

- Wait, what?
- Swear to God.

You've never done
a brain surgery before?

But you have done a spine,
heart, lungs, and eyes?

Yeah.

Well, that means...

Surprise!

Oh, my God!

I didn't know you were gonna do this!

But I was hoping you were gonna do this.

I'm pretending that I don't want this,

but I really, really want this!

Oh, my God!

Well, we're very happy to do it.

You know, you are a bit of
a SHLEB-rity around these parts.

Oh, you're hilarious!

- Oh, there she is!
- Oh, look. A plaque.

As I always say,

the party doesn't start until
the neurosurgeon gets here.

No one says that.

Nice job back there.

- Ohh!
- The bifrontal craniotomy,

that's not an easy surgery
for anesthesiologists.

Ohh! Thank you, Dr. Cole.

I just put him to sleep

and then woke him up again mid-surgery

and then put him back to sleep
and made sure he didn't die.

So it was nothing.

Now, I-I don't know much about you.

What's your story?

- Where'd you go to medical school?
- USC.

- Huh, wow.
- Yeah.

- That's a really good school.
- Yeah.

Good for you.

Good... for me, yeah.

All right, you guys, say cheese!

Here we go! Cheese!

MR. - It's happening!

It's really happening! Oh ho!

Good afternoon, students and parents,

and welcome to the Valley Glen Campout!

I love nature!

I love nature! Whoo-hoo! What fun.

Now, everybody, I am Mr. Solomon,

the environmental science teacher.

Welcome to the environment.

And right now, I want everyone

to really notice the nature around them.

And right now, I want
everybody to close your eyes

and listen, really listen.

Oh, my goodness! What is that?

Is that a coyote I hear?

Is this the guy

I leave you guys with every day?

He bikes to work, Dad.

He's the reason we don't
have straws anymore.

Okay, now, everybody,
it is time to unplug.

The camp staff is gonna be coming around

to make sure that this is
a screen-free zone.

Let's plug into nature!

All right. Phones, please.

- Junior.
- Phones.

What are you doing here?

The school alumni e-blast

said they were looking for volunteers.

They call, I listen.

So, I'm gonna need that phone, big guy.

Enh-enh.

I learned my lesson
at the Drake concert.

If I want shaky footage
of "Passionfruit,"

that's my decision.

Not his.

Fine, keep it.

But Mother Nature
gives her likes in person.

Hmm.

Come on. Phones in.

Pay up, come on.

Thank you.

Look here, guys.

I'm gonna need you to make your rounds,

show your pretty faces,
and get that extra credit,

and be back here in an hour, all right?

We'll be at the hotel before sunset,

just like Dr. King would've wanted.

"Four Seasons" on three.
One, two, three.

Four Seasons.

What I love the most about a leaf

is the veins, right?

Yeah, I like to just...

- Oh!
- Oh! Hey.

- Your bike fell.
- Oh, no.

Oh, hey. Hey. Sorry. Dre Johnson.

- Hi.
- Yeah, hi, I was here. Okay.

Lunch box! I'm here!

Dre Johnson! You see me!

Hey, hey. Squat down
for this picture, guys.

Come on. Jailhouse style. Ah!

I love how we're documenting
our camping experience...

every single one of us, including me.

Hey, I love roughing it.

Valley Glen Camping Trip 2019!

As you can see, these are
different-colored eggs

from birds all over California.

Hey, guys, let's go.

All right, the concierge level

only has the slider bar
from 4:00 to 6:00.

One second, Dad.

So, you're saying that eggs come
in different colors,

and I've been dyeing them
on Easter like a jerk?

Yep! It's all part of Mother Nature's
colorful tapestry.

Now, who can pick the egg
from my favorite bird...

and I love saying it...
the snowy plover?

- Oh, it's this bespeckled one.
- Ding, ding, ding!

Diane, that is excellent!

Uh, how did you know that?

We had an avian biology unit.

A what?

I get what you're doing.

You want everybody to remember

how Diane laid
all that egg knowledge down.

Girl, you are smart.

Okay, I'll go start the car.

Wait, but Mr. Solomon's gonna
let us touch a condor egg.

- Excuse me?
- We've never touched a condor egg.

- Oh, a condor egg.
- Yeah.

All right, off-white,
kind of round, in a shell?

- Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah.

Yeah, that's every egg.

All right, if you like eggs
so much, man, we can order some

up to the room and you can
touch them all you want.

Come on. Diane, back me up here.

This sucks.

I didn't think I would,

but I'm kind of having a good time.

- What?
- All right, everybody,

it is time to carve flutes out of reeds!

- Oh, my God.
- What you're looking at is 3 yards of music,

so let's get fluting!

Oh, yeah, we are
definitely staying, Dad.

I mean, you never walk away from
an authorized use of knives.

Follow me, future flautists! Follow me!

Did you hear what Dr. Cole
said to me at the party?

What do you mean?

- You were standing right there.
- Mm-hmm.

I said I went to USC, and she was like,

"Wow. That's such a good school.

Good for you."

Yeah, well, USC is a really good school.

And you went there.

And that is good. For... you.

Yeah, but did you hear
the way she said it?

She acted surprised that I got in.

You know what it means when people say

"Good for you," don't you?

Come on. It means
they have low expectations.

They think I got in
because of the diversity slot.

- Hmm...
- Mm-hmm.

Don't you think you might be
reading a lot into that?

No, I think that's
a textbook micro-aggression.

How often do people ask you
what school you went to?

Not a lot, and that's a good thing

because people are not
reassured when they hear

"Medical College of Tobago...
South Campus."

- What... Is that...
- Yeah.

- The look on their faces...
- they just go...

But listen, I think she was just
trying to pay you a compliment.

Maybe you're being
a little too sensitive.

- I'm being too sensitive?
- Yeah.

- That's your takeaway?
- Yeah, you know?

Sometimes things are just
what they are at face value.

- Mm...
- Okay?

Have a good rest of your day,

and what I mean by that is,

have a good rest of your day.

Yeah, I get it.

It's very funny.

Unbelievable.

Fun fact, everybody.

With only a slightly
uncomfortable hand contortion,

the reed flute can double
as a reusable straw.

And let me tell you something.
The oceans will thank you.

This guy and his straws.

Great.

The hotel website says

the rooftop hot tub is closed.

I hope you're happy.

Now we have to use
the ground-level hot tub

like we're some
contest winners from Iowa.

Dad, camping is actually pretty great.

- Really?
- Yeah, you made it sound

like this was going to be
the worst thing ever.

Have you ever even been camping before?

I've never been m*rder*d before,
but I know that sucks.

We're already here,
and we're having fun.

Why can't you just give it a chance?

Yeah, I didn't think I was gonna
like Fruit by the Foot,

but now that's the only way I eat fruit.

Come on. Be open.

Fine. I'll give it a try.

That sounds like a man ready
to make a friendship bracelet.

Insider tip...
you're gonna want to make it

longer than you think.

You can always cut, but you can't add.

So, for the sake of my kids, I tried.

I even played Bird Bingo.

Ooh, it's a scrub jay!
Look, look! Look over there!

Ah, I see it, too!

Let me confirm.

Ah, yep. You found a beauty.

- Whoo! Bird Bingo!
- We'll see about that.

Don't give her the prize yet!

Oh, my God, Jack, look!

I'm only a gold finch and a sparrow away

from Bird Bingo.

Well, on my bird card, I got

hot, teriyaki, and lemon pepper.

Shh. I'm trying to concentrate.

Really?

Why?

Because there is literally
no stakes to this.

Guys, I offered
a luxurious hotel weekend

jammed into one night!

That's the kind of stuff
you give to a mistress.

Dad, you're scaring the birds!

I don't care about the birds, son!

You didn't care about them
until 20 minutes ago.

Come on, guys.
You can't possibly like this.

So, we're not allowed to like
stuff that you don't like?

Yes.

Finally! Thank you! Thank you.

Come on. Let's go to the hotel.

Let's go! Come on, let's go!

You can go, Dad.

Yeah, we'll stay here with Junior.

Really? Okay, fine.

I'll go to the hotel without you.

Daddy out.

Good night to you,

and good night to you.

And FYI,

I didn't pack a tent.

Good luck, suckers!

Coo-coo!

Coo-coo!

It's a ghetto owl.

So, I got away from camping,

and I got my revenge on birds.

Hot, teriyaki, and lemon pepper.

Bingo, you flying bastards!

Mm. Hello, extra ranch.

Hey...

Ah.

You're not extra ranch.

What are you doing here?

Jack and Diane with you?

They can come in, but they
can't have any of my wings.

No, I'm alone.

Just came to check on you.

Mm-hmm. Okay.

That was a pretty dramatic exit,

right up there with when you got
thrown out of Dodger Stadium

for not giving a foul ball to a kid.

I didn't know it was his wish.

Look, I know you hate
that Jack and Diane

are starting to like things
that you don't.

Up until now, they basically only liked

whatever you told them to.

Hey, not true.

Jack's favorite movie is "Juice."

He came to that on his own.

And look, man. I don't care.

I'm never, ever going to like camping.

Black people don't camp.

It's wrong.

This sounds really familiar.

Eh...

When I was Diane and Jack's age,

you took me to see
"Harry Potter," and I loved it.

But you said you hated it

because Black people
weren't into wizards.

I stand by that.

Yeah, but that's when you decided

you weren't into a lot of
the stuff I was getting into.

So we pretty much stopped
doing things together.

Son, what are you talking about, man?

We do things together.

You're my favorite.

Oh, Dad, let's not do this.

Okay. You know you're at least
in the top five for sure.

See that?

Hey, man. We mess with each other.

We have a back-and-forth, and...

I think that's kind of cool.

Yeah, actually, it is.

But we could've had more.

True.

The window's still open with the twins.

I hear you.

Ooh, I don't know about
this "La La Land," Devante.

Ryan Gosling is saving jazz
from John Legend?

I don't think so.

- Hey.
- Oh, oh.

I wasn't, uh...

I wasn't giving him
screen time and Pringles.

It's fine. Nothing matters.

What's wrong with you?

Do you ever feel like you see something

that no one else can see?

Are you talking about that ghost
in the laundry room?

No, everybody knows about him.

This surgeon said something to me

that I think was kind of r*cist,
but no one else could see it.

What'd he say?

- She.
- She?

Yes, Ruby. Women can be doctors.

Not my doctors!

Oh, my God.

They got to be older than me,
more man than me,

and more Jewish than me.

I'm from a different time.

Well, she acted overly surprised

that I went to USC.

- And that's your problem?
- Yes.

It was an insult...
classic micro-aggression.

- Micro-aggression?
- Yeah.

Well, in my day, we had
aggression aggressions.

So don't talk to me until
you've been called the n-word

while walking out of the
hospital with your newborn baby.

Oh, my God. I'm so sorry that happened.

I didn't know that.

Mm-hmm.

But what I'm talking about
is different, Ruby.

I-I accomplished something huge today,

and now every time I look at this thing,

I'm gonna think of what she said to me.

It's ruined.

So what are you gonna do about it?

What can I do about it?

Well, I handed baby Dre
to the security guard

and chased that truck down!

Well, that makes sense.

That kind of racism's so in-your-face.

I mean, who could deny it?

But what I'm talking about
is more subtle.

It's when you feel it in your gut,

but no one backs you up.

Oh, I get it.

Like with Obama.

Everyone said he was so well-spoken.

But we all knew what they meant by that.

Yeah, we did.

It didn't take away the fact

that he was president for eight years.

And you...

shouldn't let them take away your joy.

Thank you, Ruby.

What'd you do
when you caught that truck?

Oh, he got away.

You know, when I got back,
I'm not even sure

if the security guard
gave me back the same baby.

What?

But it was the '70s.

You know, I'm from a different time.

Yeah.

Dre is definitely your baby.

There's no question there.

So when they went out
into the backyard...

they found...

A young-looking dad
in the swaggiest of jeans

who thought...

he knew his kids.

Oh, no. He's back.

Who is watching the gate?

This is not a safe place!

Excuse me, sir.

Only the person with the
flashlight is supposed to talk.

These are the rules of the fire.

Where'd he get that phone?

Anyway...

this swaggy dad thought his kids
would be just like him.

But they weren't.

They loved unlikable things

like whittling
and bird watching and wizards.

So the dad realized
that instead of hating

on all the new things that they loved,

he would try... I mean, really try...

to enjoy those things with them
while he still can.

Because he didn't want
that door to close on him.

It was a window.

It... It doesn't matter.
Door's good, too.

Anyway, I'm gonna do better.

Will you guys forgive me?

- Okay, fine.
- Bring it in, Dad.

Ohh, guys, I love you!

That was sweet.

Think I can get a hug, too?

I hate you.

Thank you for saying that quietly.

Actually, he didn't.

So, I came around
to some parts of camping.

Like s'mores.

Whoa!

And sing-alongs,
once I could pick the songs.

♪ If I didn't ride blade
on curbs, would you still... ♪

♪ Love me ♪

♪ If I made up my mind at work,
would you still... ♪

♪ Love me ♪

♪ Keep it hundred, I'd rather
you trust me than to... ♪

♪ Love me ♪

Can I do the Kendrick part now?

Janine! Sit down!

Oh. Hi.

I've been thinking about what you said,

and you were right.

I'm sorry I didn't recognize

what Dr. Cole was doing yesterday.

Did you... come to
that conclusion on your own?

Well, uh, she was
loud-talking at Dr. Chen

because she didn't think
she spoke English.

- What?!
- Yeah.

Dr. Chen is from Bakersfield.

- Mm-hmm.
- Ew.

So my eyes are open now.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

And honestly,

it feels really nice to be

seen and heard, so thank you.

Mm-hmm. Good.

And listen, if I ever do
one of these micro-aggressions,

will you please let me know?

Actually, there's, uh...

there's a gender one.

Um, you have a tendency to interrupt...

Let me stop you there.

I think if I did
one of these micro-aggressions,

I would know it.

Okay. 'Cause...