05x11 - Waltz in A Minor

[bunniefuu]

Parenting.

Some people think you've
got to read books

or go to lectures to be good at it.

Those people like to waste
their time and money.

See, Bow and I have parenting down.

For example, Junior's supposed to be

on this new track of finding himself.

The only thing he's found

is how to run up my
daytime electric bill.

So I'll laugh politely and then say...

Hey, Junior.

In a month, I'm kicking
you out of my house.

And Bow is doing her thing.

This week, she pulled back
on the twins' screen time.

And what happened?

"All right. So they got A's
on their English test.

Well, I mean, Jack got a C."
But for Jack, that's an A.

Yep.

We've got parenting on lock.

We're ready for anything.

- Hey, June Bug.
- What up, cuzzo?

Hey, before you say anything,

I do not want any more Herbalife, okay?

Because I am never going
to be a distributor.

You see, that attitude right there...

that's why you got the sugars right now.

Actually, it's about Kyra.

It's your turn to take her in.

- Wait, what?
- Well, she'll be there tomorrow.

I'm putting her in an Uber,
but my card might not work,

so make sure you have
some cash on your side.

- H-Hey, but...
- Going through a tunnel!

June Bug.

He's sending us Kyra tomorrow.

Please tell me that Kyra is
a new flavor of Herbalife.

That would be too easy.

So cousin Kyra's gonna
come stay with us.

- Mm-hmm.
- When was the last time we saw her?

I don't know. It's been years.

Yeah, she's 16 now.

- Whew.
- Been bouncing from house to house

ever since her mother went to prison.

- Ugh, poor girl.
- Yeah.

I remember my mom went
to a silent yoga retreat

for a weekend, and I
was... I was a mess.

- Oh, you get it.
- Yes.

Yeah, but when she gets here,
could you not talk to her?

Because you don't get it.

Okay, let me just ask. Mm-hmm?

What happens if we don't do this?

I don't know.

She'll probably go in the system.

- Oh, no.
- Babe, it's... it's not great.

All right, no.

We... We... We are doing this.

- Okay.
- Doing what?

- So...
- Mm-hmm.

- ... Kyra arrives tomorrow...
- Yep. Mm-hmm.

... and we are putting
her in Zoey's room.

And trust me, you guys.

- You're gonna love Kyra.
- Mm-hmm.

- Any questions?
- Yeah, I have one.

Who the heck is Kyra?

You've been saying Kyra
like we're supposed to

- know who Kyra is.
- You know Kyra.

Ramona's daughter.

From Compton, got
arrested for shoplifting.

- What?
- Oh, I'm sorry.

Was that supposed to be a secret?

Guys, it wasn't that serious.

It's still a prior arrest.

And now she can get her
second and third strike

here at our house.

Guys, we are at capacity. Look around.

Does the fire department know
how many people live here?

'Cause I'll call.

Are you listening to yourselves?

You sound spoiled and selfish.

- Yeah.
- They sound smarter than you.

Best case scenario, this
criminal robs us while we sleep.

Worst case scenario, she
robs us while we're awake.

More stabbing involved.

- Pops!
- Okay, guys, enough!

All right, Kyra is a good girl.

- Yeah.
- She's just gone through

some bad things.

All right, we've got
to believe in people.

- Yeah.
- Do we?

Oh, I know you're not supposed
to have a favorite grandchild,

but this one is solid.

Do none of you have any compassion?

Well, I for one like that a
troubled youth is coming, okay?

It puts us in a real-life
"Blind Side" situation.

- Huh?
- If Sandy Bullock has shown us anything,

it is that tough love can really
change a black kid's life.

He is tempting me to change my mind.

- Yeah. Mm-hmm.
- But he is right.

- Mm-hmm.
- This is happening.

Yes, it is.

- We are incredible parents.
- Yes, we are.

And this is a wonderful family,

and we got this, okay?

- Mm-hmm.
- And we're gonna k*ll it.

Love you like my daughter, Rainbow.

But you're lying to these children.

Wow. Hey, Dre. Why so happy?

- Yeah.
- Oh, did they just free Mumia?

No, but I'm doing my
part to make it better.

My cousin's daughter Kyra's
coming to live with us.

- Ah.
- Oh. Whoa.

Ah, I admire your sense of goodwill.

Now, does this charity extend
to a beloved co-worker

whose house may or may not be rented out

for an adult film trilogy?

That... That's where you eat, man.

Yes, it is.

Dre, seriously.

Why are you adding kids
to your home, hmm?

You should be removing them.

Look, boarding schools exist

so that our children can be
raised by professionals,

as God intended.

Yeah, I went to boarding school,

and I hardly ever cry
when I shower anymore.

Look, Dre.

You're not really taking
on this kid, right?

Of course I am.

This is a privilege.

To take care of our
own, that's what we do,

ever since the Great Migration,

when our people had to
leave the Deep South

to escape oppression.

The only way we were able to do that

is if our relatives took us in.

Well, that... that's
great, boss. In theory.

See, I let my cousin stay
with me, and he crushed me.

- What happened?
- He stole my identity,

and now my credit score is eight.

Well, look.

I'm not worried about it
because she's just a kid.

Oh, well, that's better.

I mean, except for the fact that
she is emotionally damaged,

financially dependent upon you,

and you're liable for
any crime she commits.

You know what? I'm
just gonna do my best,

and if it doesn't work out...

Ah, it's gonna work out.
You're gonna k*ll it.

Soon, all your relatives

will be dropping their kids off to you

until your pass-around kids
outnumber your real kids.

Sick of it, Bow will then leave you.

You'll probably lose the house

feeding and clothing all those kids,

but you'll be celebrated on
a Black History Month stamp

and then die at the age of 51.

Packed funeral, though. I'll be there.

With Bow.

Bow Telphy.

I don't want to lose
my wife or my house.

I don't want to be on a
Black History stamp,

and my credit score's the
best thing about me!

I don't want to do this!

Damn it, why can't I turn
my back on my family

like the white man does?

Dre.

There's still time.

Bow, we cannot do this, all right?!

We are not accepting anybody
else into this house!

I want everybody to act like the
Jehovah Witnesses are outside!

Turn off the lights and turn off the TV

because Kyra is gonna have
to take care of Kyra.

- Dre? Dre?
- Hmm?

Kyra's here.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Hey... Kyra.

Why are you, uh... Why do you
have that look on your face?

Hmm?

You know... Will somebody
please say something?

You are ridiculous, son.

So we just want to say again

- that we're so happy...
- Yeah.

- ... that you are staying with us.
- Mm-hmm.

And ignore everything
that... that he said.

Well, you know, my sugars were low.

Yeah.

No, I get it. Everybody's nervous.

- You haven't seen me in years.
- Mm-hmm.

- And now I'm living here.
- Yeah.

For all you know, I'm gonna
have my friends run up in here

and rob the place.

- Huh?
- What?

N... Okay, so we're not
in a joking place yet.

Now, that's funny.

Oh, that was a...

That's a joke!

- Okay, come on.
- It's hilarious.

- Come on. Let's go.
- Okay. Come on, sweetheart.

This is, um...

This is where you're
gonna stay. Right in here.

Yep. This, uh... This is your room.

- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.

Wow. This is really nice.

Okay, well, get yourself settled in,

and I'll go downstairs and
get the rest of your stuff.

- Yeah.
- This backpack is it.

A couple years ago, I stayed
in a shelter for a bit,

and all my stuff got stolen.

- Oh, my God.
- Turns out, I love to travel light.

Bow, I don't think that was a joke.

- That one wasn't a...
- No, I'm serious.

- Okay.
- Okay. Bye.

- Mm-hmm.
- Dre, all she has is that...

that one sad, little backpack.

Yeah, I know. Poor little girl.

- My... "Poor little girl"?
- Mm-hmm.

Five minutes ago, you were ready
to throw her out on the street.

I'm not a good person, Bow.

Hurt people hurt people.

- Oh, I know.
- She has nothing.

She knows nobody.

She probably doesn't even know
when her own birthday is.

We've really got to go all out.

- Yeah, we do.
- Dre, we've got to...

we've got to shower her
with love, hugs, and...

Forget love. She needs stuff.

- Stuff?
- Have you seen her shoe game?

- No.
- She's not showing it,

but it's probably k*lling
her on the inside.

You think that's what she's
dying on the inside about?

- Mm-hmm.
- Not about the fact

that her mother's in jail?

Well, at least her mother
has a release date.

- Oh, my God.
- No telling how long

she's not gonna be fresh.

Man, Kyra posts a lot
of inspirational quotes.

- Hmm.
- "Be your own boyfriend"?

- Something happened.
- Mm. Yeah.

- Like m*rder.
- Yeah.

What are you guys doing?

Oh, stalking our cousin
Kyra on Instagram.

Yeah, she just moved in with us,
and she might be dangerous.

- Mm.
- Let me see.

Okay.

You think the girl with the braces

and the bunny-filter
selfies is dangerous?

Maybe you're just
scared of black people.

Hey, watch it, Glasses.

I'm just saying she looks
like your everyday,

cute, pretty, super-foxy,
possibly available teenager.

Okay, dude. We get it. You're
going through puberty.

Whatever. That girl's harmless.

Maybe she is just normal.

Here she is with her
friends at the beach.

- Beach pic?
- Yeah.

A one-piece? Dude, don't waste my time.

Good morning, Kyra.

Welcome to your second chance.

How long have you been waiting there?

Your whole life.

But for real, 22 minutes.

I'm gonna be your bridge from
urban life to suburban life.

I got you this.

It's for you to write down your
thoughts, feelings, poetry.

That book will be something
you leave behind

that says you were here.

This is what happened.

You... matter.

- I appreciate this.
- Mm-hmm.

I think that's a lady's jacket.

Uh...

Just remember... it's not your fault!

I will say that as many
times as it takes!

Got her.

Hey. Hey, there.

- Hey.
- So, um, made a little breakfast.

Got, um... Okay, we've
got, uh, pancakes.

- Mm-hmm.
- Pancakes. And I made bacon.

- Irish scones, English muffins.
- Mm-hmm.

Just bread from every country,

and holler if you want some...

challah!

- Yeah. Had my coffee.
- Thanks,

- but I don't usually eat breakfast.
- Oh?

If I get hungry, I just grab something

- from the vending machine at school.
- Well, it's too much sugar.

- That's too much sugar.
- Okay, no, no, no. Well, here, then.

Um, why don't you,
uh... vending machine.

- Here, just take the $20.
- Yeah.

Y-You know? No, just give me that.

Just take a $50. You
know what? Take $100.

You know what? Just... Just take it all.

You know, just... just make
it rain Skittles at school.

- I'm good.
- Okay.

- Oh.
- This is yours. Okay.

Um, I've got to go before I miss my bus.

Oh, no. Just... Uh, let me drive you.

- Are you kidding me? Oh, it's so easy.
- Mm-hmm.

Easy. It's like home, Compton, hospital.

It's like blip! It's fine.

- Are you sure?
- I'll see you tonight.

- Here, hold on. Let me...
- I-I'll see you tonight.

- Do you want to take a... take a...
- I'll see you tonight.

All right. Okay. Well, you know what?

Um, I'll just leave this
loose money in your room!

Maybe the croissant for later.

Why did you scare her off
with this weirdo breakfast?

Me?!

Kids from the hood don't eat granola.

- There's so much...
- We don't have fluoride in our water.

We can't chew it.

And you're just gonna throw money at her

- and make her love you?
- I'm a powerful man.

- That's what I do.
- Okay.

Did we... Did we... Did we do too much?

Of course we did too much.

I tried to give her $9,000.

- We have five kids, okay?
- Mm-hmm.

- We... We know how to do this.
- Yeah, we do.

Let's just... treat her
like one of our kids.

And not just like any
one of them, you know,

o-one of the ones we like.

- We like all of our kids, Dre.
- Oh, yeah? Speak for yourself.

So the plan was we would treat
Kyra like one of our kids.

Only problem was, some of our kids

were acting like they
lost their damn minds.

♪ Been spending most their lives ♪

- ♪ Living in the gangsta's paradise ♪
- What's that?

What are you... ?

Oh.

Oh.

What are you doing?

Just wanted to let Kyra know...

"You're the man now, dawg."

Get your ass out of here and
take your mama's jacket off.

Guys, she doesn't need
to be saved anyway.

She's cool.

Yeah, one of her hair-braiding videos

got liked by Michelle Obama.

You two should not be stalking Kyra.

We are not stalking her.

"Karen Miller" is stalking her.

- Who's Karen Miller?
- That's our Finstagram.

We have a fake Instagram?

Uh, yeah.

I've been using, "This is Jack Johnson."

This is why I work alone!

Guys, put the phones down.

We need to treat Kyra like
a member of our family,

- which she is.
- Mm-hmm.

- So put... put... Hello.
- Oh, hey.

Hello, Kyra. Hi.

- Hi.
- Hey, there.

Yeah, and look at that.
And you brought a...

You brought a f-f-friend. Hello.

Okay, well, that's fine.
I mean, we love it.

- Our kids bring friends all the time.
- Mm-hmm.

It's... If you just let
us know, we can put...

make a little plate.

Anyway, we're cool
with that. Aren't you?

- Yeah, we're cool, aren't we?
- Yeah... Yeah.

As soon as I find out if
that face tat is real.

- It is.
- Oh, my goodness.

- Impressive.
- Did that hurt?

- Oh.
- No?

- Cool. Everybody, this is my girl, Stunts.
- Mm-hmm.

Do you mind if she stays for dinner?

- No. Not at all. Nope.
- No.

I heard y'all got hella bread.

- We do.
- Oh, yes.

- Holler if you want some...
- Hey, okay, hey.

- ... challah!
- Aah, no, baby.

No, I ate it.

You got another name? 'Cause
I'm not calling you "Stunts."

My government name is Susan.

Hate to admit it. You
look more like a Stunts.

I'm gonna go guard my belongings.

For no reason at all.

So Mason just couldn't stop
bragging about wearing boxers.

- And then his doctor said that...
- Okay.

- ... he had to wear the boxers.
- Okay. Okay.

- That guy.
- Okay. Oh, that guy, yeah. Okay.

Anybody else want to
tell us about their day?

- Mm.
- Anybody?

- Anybody?
- Kyra?

Nah, I'm good.

Come on, Kyra. You know, say something.

This is how we catch up with our kids.

Oh, tell them about when the
math teacher clowned you.

For what?

Mr. Fisher's stupid.

I got a question wrong, so he
said I'm lucky I'm pretty.

- Oh, my.
- Oh.

It's not a big deal.

Well, yeah, it is. I
mean, he can't do that.

Yeah, that's not a compliment.

Look, every urban success story needs

a white authority figure who, you know,

just doesn't see their greatness.

Mr. Fisher's black.

Oh, then I got nothing.

Did you ever?

I was cooking with a little
something at the beginning.

Thank y'all for dinner.

Oh, thank you. You're welcome.

And you know what? You are
welcome here anytime.

Anytime. Mm-hmm.

Oh, and, Kyra, you no longer
have to worry about Mr. Fisher.

- Did he die?
- What?

He was really old. Maybe
we'll get the day off.

No. No, no, no.

- Um, we e-mailed the school.
- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Because it's not okay for him
to talk to you that way.

You really didn't have to do that.

It's okay. One of my favorite
things to do as an adult

is scream at public employees.

Mm-hmm. He's very good at it.

Okay. I'm gonna walk Stunts to the bus.

- Okay.
- Baby, baby!

- Bye, guys!
- Mm-hmm.

Walk safe.

We did so good. Are you kidding me?

She blended right into our family.

Arguably better than Junior.

Now, I'm gonna put
Raisinets in our popcorn

this evening because we deserve it.

Yes, we have.

- Yes, my bearded lover.
- Okay. All right.

- Mm!
- Oh, mine's good.

Uh, what are we waiting for?

Mmm. Kyra.

She'll be back in 20 minutes.

- _
- Um...

Do you think she's lost?

I mean, you know, all these houses

look the same in the dark.

Takes time to see which
one of these houses

has an ADT sign out front, Rainbow.

Pops, please.

I-I'm a little worried, Dre.

- _
- Well, she's with Stunts.

I mean, how much trouble can
they actually get into?

You're better than this, Rainbow.

- _
- All right, look. I...

I... I checked the bus stop

and drove around the block and nothing.

You know, I'm gonna call June Bug.

Yeah, and it keeps going to voice mail.

Hey, June Bug! Kyra's missing, man!

Oh, right.

Yeah, I forgot to tell
you, man, she's a runner.

Oh, my God.

You okay, cuz?

Look like you living
that stressed-out life.

You need to be living that Herba...

I can't believe she ran away.

It really seems like something

June Bug should have warned us about.

I mean, she could be anywhere.

Don't worry, guys. We can
track her on Instagram.

She went private,

thanks to "This is Jack Johnson."

Okay, we don't know that
she knew it was me.

_

I was hoping it wouldn't come to this.

What are you talking about?

She's probably gone back
to the b*llet-riddled,

g*ng-infested streets of her youth,

trying to decide between the
life she's always known

and the life that she doesn't
quite yet understand.

I'm gonna go down there and get her.

And you can't stop me!

Even if you try!

- I won't.
- Oh, my God.

Guys, I said "b*llet-riddled."

- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, my God.

Do you see how much red I'm wearing?

Mom?

I...

Fine. I guess you're ready
to lose two kids tonight.

Junior, don't you even think
about leaving this house.

Oh. Oh, God bless you,
Pops. Thank you so much.

Look, guys. It's late.

We're not gonna have movie night,

so why don't everybody
just go get ready for bed?

Go.

I'm a grown-ass man. You
can't tell me to go to bed.

But I'm tired, so... I'm going to bed.

Good night, Pops.

- Good night.
- Night, Pops.

Bow, a girl that young does
not need to be out this late.

I agreed. I mean, we were
gonna watch a movie.

Everything was fine, and
look what happened.

You know, she's... she's
bounced from house to house,

and we're expecting
her to fold right in,

and... and have everything
go smoothly in two days.

I guess we just pushed
her too hard again.

Maybe we did. I don't know.

I mean, what were we supposed to do?

This is so much harder than
I thought it was gonna be.

Maybe we don't know
what we're doing, Dre.

I mean, we have five kids,
but we've never done this.

So what do we do?

Okay.

- Let's sit her down.
- Mm-hmm?

And have... a calm conversation about

what our expectations are.

Oh, my God!

- Hey, Where the hell were you?
- Dre.

What he means is,

- "Where the hell were you?"
- I needed some air.

Everything you guys were
doing was stressing me out.

- W...
- Okay, okay, okay, okay.

We get it, all right?

But, Kyra, we were worried about you.

Yeah, what you did won't work here.

We need to know where you are.

I'm sorry, but you guys
were just being so extra.

Uh, okay. Look.

Even though we did too much,

we're gonna do whatever we need
to do to look out for you.

And, Kyra, we have rules.

Sometimes, we're gonna
call your teachers.

And if you slam your bedroom door,

- I remove your bedroom door.
- Uh, it's... Okay.

Well, I'll... I'll stop
him from doing that.

- But she can't stop me.
- I'll take the hammer.

Take the hammer. I got a screwdriver.

- Well, I'll take that, too.
- Okay, well, then,

I'll pull it off with my bare hands.

- I don't think he's strong enough.
- Okay.

I know this is a lot, but
if you give us some time,

we'll figure it out.

I know we're not your parents,

but we really care what happens to you.

I get it.

And that's really sweet and really nice.

You know, if you want to drive me

on your home-Compton-hospital
route, I wouldn't say no.

It's my favorite route.

What are you doing?

So you're having the heart
to heart without me.

I do all the work.

You swoop in at the end
to take all the credit.

- I...
- Hmm.

You know who's not the man now?

- Mnh-mnh.
- You, dawgs.

I am usually on your side, Junior.

Oh, my God. I can't...

Oh.

Yeah. Careful.

Parenting.

Some people think you've
got to read books

or go to lectures to be good at it.

Turns out, we probably should

have done both of those things.

After 19 years of parenting...

... Bow and I are still learning

that it's constantly a work in progress.

But the one thing we know for sure is,

you never let anything
interrupt your family dinner.