05x12 - Dreamgirls and Boys

[bunniefuu]

DRE: Gender roles have
evolved over the years.

And I'm fine with that.

I don't mind
putting my baby to bed.

And Bow's cool
with taking out the trash.

(GRUMBLING)

What is in this?

And why is it hot?!

(GROANS)

Yeah. Gender roles
are changing.

Do you want to drive?

Nah, I'm good.
You drive.

But some changes are harder for
me to roll with than others.

What the hell?

He's letting her drive?!

He better be drunk.

(DOMINO CLACKS)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Did you see your son leave
with Niecy?

I did.
They're so cute together.

Although she's
a little bit familiar.

Mm-hmm. I ran into her in
the upstairs bathroom.

I mean... awkward. Okay, but... but
don't get too attached, all right?

Because this is basically over.

Oh.

He's letting her drive
on the date!

Oh, no!

What's next?
Is he gonna let her vote?!

He's throwing away everything
we gave him, all right?

We set him up perfectly!

(STAMMERS)

We gave him brains.
I gave him the brains.

We gave him height.
I gave him the height.

Well, I gave him the looks.

Sure. People whistle at you
when you walk down the street.

You've never walked around with
me when I've been in a t*nk top.

Thank God I've never walked...

Hey, Mom.

Can you quiz us on our lines
for the school play?

Oh, yes, of course!

I love "Death of a Salesman"!

I would be happy to!

Give me your script.

Okay.

I will be your audience.

Ready, Quinn?
Okay.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Hey, Willy, over here!

Over here, pal!

That was great.
Keep going.

Oh, those are our only lines.
Oh.

We play Salespeople Number
Two and Three. Huh.

Ms. Davis added extra parts
so no one would feel left out.

Okay, then.

Every part is a good part.

Guys, Ms. Davis
just called.

She's having auditions

to replace Willy Loman
and his wife.

Cameron Carter
and Emily Copeland dropped out?

Why?
Did they break up?

Nah, they both got mono.
Ooh.

And you know what that means.

Somebody's steppin' out.

How do you know
that's what that means?

Being a stage manager
means you grow up quick.

Uh-huh.

I've seen things backstage.

Really?
Frenching.

And a rat.

Wha...

Oh... Wh...

(SIGHS)

Well...

don't you guys want
to audition for the leads?

I mean, come on!

Made-up parts are for losers.

Well... I guess.

What do you think?

You could be Willy Loman.
I'd be your wife.

Well, I mean, not that
I'd want to be your wife.

S-So stupid.

It'd be great
if you were my wife.

I do.

Uh, I will!

So stupid. Sorry.

(HORN HONKS)

That's my mom.
Thanks, Dr. Johnson.

Oh, gosh, yes.
Thanks for coming.

Hey, let your mom know...
This isn't North Hollywood.

We don't use our horns.

Okay, great.
Bye!

I'm just gonna walk him out.
Okay.

Check this out.

My son went out with his girl
last night.

And she drove!

Whoa!
Ohh! No, she didn't.

Wow!
Exactly. Oh, my God.

He finally has a girlfriend,

and he has no idea
how to hold on to her.

W-Wait.
There's a way?

I mean, are there steps?
Is there, like, a chart?

'Cause... I'm asking
for a friend.

What friend? Give me
their first name in two seconds.

Billy... B... B...

What kind of man lets a woman
drive him around?

A man with a D.U.I.

A man who has no legs

and hasn't had his
pedal extensions put in yet.

A man who owns a Maybach
and lives on a tropical island

where only women
are allowed to be chauffeurs.

A man who lets lemon juice...

Charlie, not today.
All right?

My son is emasculating himself,
and Bow swears it's fine.

A-Am I missing something?

So, it's never okay
to let a woman drive you?

Nope.

I lost respect for my husband
the day he said,

"Honey, can you drive?

I took too many pills."

So now I'm like, "Now you can't
drive or handle your pills?"

Got me thinking,
"What else can't you handle?"

So I drove us
right to the courthouse,

and I got half his pills.

Aha!
Yep.

STEVENS: I'm astonished
you're upset by this, Dre.

You're always the one
going on and on

about progress and equality.

Well, what says "equality"

more than your son
not needing his penis?

So, you all agree
that Junior is blowing it?

Mm-hmm.
Oh, absolutely.

Yes, sir, yes, sir.
Wow.

I couldn't get you all to agree

when I said those Chilean miners
should be rescued.

Yeah, well, they knew
what they were getting into.

It's a mine.
They got overtime.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Mom?
Yeah?

Guess who got the lead
in the play!

Really?!

Oh, my goodness!
You're playing the wife?

Forget the wife!
Diane's Willy Loman!

Willy? I hope that's short
for "Willamina."

No. I'm the lead.

The male lead.

This is amazing!

Diane!

Oh, my... Oh, my goodness!
Oh, my g...

What, uh... What happ...
What happened with Quinn?

He was close,
but Diane edged him out.

He didn't even know
what to do with his hands.

Oh.

God. Now I don't know
what to do with my hands.

(STAMMERING)

But... Just...

Ex-Excuse me.

S-Sweetheart, put them...
Put them in your pockets.

I don't know if I should do it.
The show's in three days.

I've had a stomachache
ever since I heard.

Oh, that's not a stomachache.

That's your ovaries revolting.

Girls shouldn't play
boys' roles.

And I'm not liking him
in this yellow bib.

Ruby, stop judging my babies...

Both of them.

Diane, I know
this seems like a lot,

but you are gonna be amazing!

I mean, I still regret

not playing Hamlet
in high school.

Why didn't you?

I wasn't cast.

But I would've crushed it.

Diane, Willy Loman.

Willy Loman!

It is one of the greatest roles
in American theater,

and a young Black woman

doesn't get the chance
to do it every day.

And shouldn't do it any day!

It's confusing for the audience

and for God.

Oh, my gosh.

If the Rapture comes
during the show,

he might miss you
because you're wearing pants.

But I already wear pants.

I'm gonna miss you
in Heaven, baby.

BOW: She doesn't know
what she's talking about.

You're gonna find that in life,

there are people
that try to hold you back.

You and I have the same person.

Okay.

Do you want to do this?

I do.

Then we're doing it.

Okay!
I'm Willy Loman!

(SQUEALS)
Oh, my God!

Hashtag Black girl magic!

Hashtag Black girl magic!

(BOTH LAUGH)

(SIGHS)

Hey, Dad, what's our
picnic basket sitch?

Why would I know that?

Well, Niecy is taking me
to the Hollywood Bowl,

and she has got
a whole night planned.

She really knows
how to romance a guy.

Okay, this stops now, all right?

No more dates for you until
I teach you how to be a man.

What... What am I doing wrong?

Everything.

Boy, you are a mess.

Oh, this is nice, Pops.

We... We should do this
more often.

You got to be alpha.

Stop all this beta male stuff.

All modern women are the same.

They want to be equal,

they want to see somebody
named Amy Schumer,

and they want you
to pick up the check.

Niecy likes to go Dutch.

Not even Dutch people
like to go Dutch.

You guys just don't get it,
all right?

My generation
does things differently.

Is that so?

I know some of your generation
ain't gonna do no differently.

Hey, ladies, let me ask you
this question.

Would you go out with someone
who didn't pay for dinner?

It would depend
on how cute he is.

Mm-hmm.

Oh.
Junior-level cute.

(INHALES SHARPLY)
Ooh.

Are we past the stage
where I have to be polite

to keep staying here?

See? This is exactly
what I'm talking about.

Mm-hmm.

So, this one guy
took me to the movies, right?

Going great, super cute.

But then I catch him
sweating the concessions guy

'cause he charged him 25 cents
for relish.

Hear that?

Now, what grown man
ain't got a quarter?

Pops, you got a quarter?

Watch yourself here.

Mm. Okay.

Guys, I appreciate your help,
but I can't do this.

I've got a brie to soften.

A what?

I've got to overcome it.

I know I got to overcome it.

Willy, darling, you're
the handsomest man in the world.

Oh, no, Linda.

To me, you are.

And scene. Okay.

Scene, indeed!

Great job, ladies!
Great job!

Yes! Yay! Okay.

So, cast, uh, tonight,
work on your lines,

and I will work on enforcing
our policy on closed rehearsals.

(CHUCKLES)

My bad. I shouldn't have
let her in.

I got sloppy
because she's my mom.

Sweetheart, sweetheart,
sweetheart.

Hi!
Oh, goodness.

Oh, my God, I'm so proud of you.

This is going so great!

It is not.

Things were great with Quinn
when we both had small parts.

Oh? Now he's spending all his
time flirting with Lila.

Ugh!
He's one of those guys.

But who cares.

I care!

I like Quinn!

I know you do, sweetheart,

but this is about
something bigger.

Women are finally taking
their rightful place,

and you are playing Willy Loman!

You are a trailblazer!

But I don't want to be a trailblazer!
What?!

I want to flirt with a cute boy
and wear makeup.

That isn't what
being in a play is about.

I'm 13. That's all
being in a play is about.

We're seventh-graders
doing "Death of a Salesman."

It's not great art!

(STAMMERS)
Oh, come on!

What is this thick-ass cheese
doing in here?

Dee-Dee. What's up?

I just found out
that men resent strong women!

(DOOR CLOSES)

But history loves them!

Baby.
What's happening?

(SIGHS) Diane doesn't want
to play Willy Loman.

Good.
What?!

I didn't want to say anything,
but she's gonna get teased

playing that old man.
Dre...

I mean, I'm her daddy, and I had
some heat rocks lined up.

How could she choose a boy
over a part?

Diane was always so fierce.

Oh, tell me about it.

When it's me and her home alone,

I keep my phone
right next to me.

This is not the girl I raised.

She had me.

I am the most powerful
role model ever.

Do you know that in med school,

I became
my role model's role model?

She would put her hand on her heart... I find
that highly unlikely, but you know what, babe?

You should take it easy on her.

Mm.

Put yourself in her shoes.

Babe, you were 13 once.

Actually,
that's really good advice.

Of course it is.
(CHUCKLES)

I don't know if you've heard,
but I'm a great dad.

Mmmmmmmmmmmmm...

(BUZZER)
Aw, come on!

Oh, hey, Junior.

So, tell me this.

How are you gonna mess up
your Valentine's date?

Yeah, you got to man up, son.

You are going to
pick her up, right?

Nope.

You gonna order her meal
for her?

I don't know her allergies.

Ah.
Are you going to pay?

TBD.

O... Kay.

You'll be home by 9:00.

You know what, son?

You gonna lose Niecy
to a dude in a Porsche.

Might lose her
to a dude in a Prius.

Guys, enough.

I'll be fine.

Too late.

He's a goner.

Got to start training these boys
earlier, son.

You go get Jack.
I'll wake up the baby.

All right.

NIECY: So, the steak place
we're going to... it's dope.

Cool.

But it's kind of pricy,
so... my treat.

Sounds good to me.

(RAPPING)
♪ Minimizing my enemies ♪

(ENGINE REVS) ♪ A method by any
means necessary to get the job done ♪

♪ Who are you? ♪

♪ Huffin' and puffin',
bluffin' ♪

♪ You thinkin'
I'm 'fraid of who? ♪

You know what?

Dinner is on me.

It is Valentine's Day,

and I want
to treat my lady right.

That's so sweet!

I just need
to swing by an ATM first.

Sure. There's a Cal National
near the restaurant.

(INHALES SHARPLY)

Actually, I need a Wells Fargo,

or else I'll have to pay
a $2 fee.

(GROANS)

Pfft!

I was just messing with ya!

My baby wants a Cali Nash,
we go to a Cali Nash.

I got paper in every ATM,
baby girl.

You know what I'm sayin'?

Come on! Quinn still hasn't
called me back!

It's been half an hour!

Call him again.

I can't. It will show up
on his phone.

See?
Those smartphones.

You know you used to be able
to call a man a hundred times

before his girlfriend
got suspicious.

(CHUCKLES) Yeah.

(CHUCKLES) Yeah.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Hey, guys!

Little girl,
you want me to drive by

that little boy's house
for you, baby?

See if his bike is there?

Ooh.

Yes, please.

Mm-hmm.

Hi!

So, I know exactly
what you're going through.

When I was 13, I had a Quinn.

You did?

Ohhh, yes.

Phillip West.

He was so cute.

He used to get mad
because I would do better

on our science tests than him,

so when they gave it back,
he would flip through mine

and be like, "You got that one?
How did you know that?"

Ooh.
That's so annoying.

Yeah. Totally.

But I wanted him to like me
so bad that...

I started
purposefully missing questions

so he would get a better grade.

Did it work?

Yeah.

So... you could take a page
out of my book.

You could let Quinn
be Willy Loman.

You could take
one of the smaller parts.

But then you have to deal
with the awful feeling

that you dimmed your light
for someone else.

Hmm.

Thank you, Mom.

You're welcome, sweetheart.

(GROANS)

Um, what ever happened
to Phillip?

You think I keep track of a guy

who dumped me
at a Young MC concert

and then lost his tenure
due to plagiarism?

Because I don't.

No, I don't.

So, Junior listened
to me and Pops

and started manning up
for his girl.

Sir!

We'll have two steaks.

Very good, sir.

I was actually thinking pasta.

Two steaks and two pastas.

You want a starter?
Shrimp?

All right, we'll have
some shrimp, too.

And none of the little ones,
all right?

We want the ones where you can
see the whole face.

My baby likes 'em jumbo.

Very good, sir.

Pasta's good, huh?

I ordered angel hair,
but this penne is really good.

(FORK CLATTERS)

Boss. (CHUCKLES)

Does this look like
the hair of an angel to you?

Junior, it's fine.

He knows what he did.

Take this back.

Here you go.
Thank you.

Are you sure
you don't want to split it?

You hold on to
your little money, all right?

Big J's got this.

Eee!

Well, uh... if you'll excuse me
for one second, uh...

He made a mistake.
He didn't charge me enough.

What?

(CELLPHONE CHIMES)

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)

(SIGHS)

(CELLPHONE CHIMING)
(BOW VOCALIZING)

Junior's texting me for money?

(SCOFFS)

No, thanks.

Did you just shush your own son?

Well, if he's so fine,

then he can handle
whatever it is himself.

What are you so happy about?

I am so good.

I opened up to Diane
about my seventh-grade crush.

Ooh!

My vulnerable 13-year-old girl

chatted with her
vulnerable 13-year-old girl.

Oh. There she is.
DIANE: Hey, Mom!

Ooh! Oh, God!

Hey. Okay, thanks for
the talk before. Yes?

You were a big help.

Okay, so, guess what I did.
Mm-hmm.

I told Quinn that I was
going to trade parts with him,

and now we're going
to the movies on Sunday!

What?
Yeah.

I turned my light down,
and it worked.

♪ Just like
you said it would ♪

No! No, no!

T-That is not
what you were supposed to

take away from the story.

I... Okay.

I'm gonna call
the drama teacher.

You guys are not
gonna switch roles.

Mom, I don't even care
about the part anymore.

I don't care that you don't care
about the part anymore!

You are going to
shine your light

whether you like it or not!

Why are you doing this to me?!

Because I-I believe in you!

You're a trailblazer!

(CELLPHONE CHIMING) Looks like there's
only one undefeated parent in the house.

Damn it, Junior!
Take a hint!

Oh, I'm excited.

Want a program?

BOW: Ohh!

Ohhh.

I see you're still icing us.

What happened?

Thanks to them,

I humiliated myself
manning up last night.

Mm.

I ran out of money,
so I had to raid the fountain

outside the restaurant.

(EXHALES SHARPLY)

I'd like to settle up.

Oh, man.

Mnh!
(SIGHS)

I paid in other people's wishes.

Good evening,
and welcome to our production

of "Death of a Salesman"
by Arthur Miller.

Please respect our performers

by kindly silencing
all cellphones.

(CELLPHONE RINGING)

(RINGING STOPS)

Hey, Mason. Yeah?

Yeah, I think
I'm doing pretty good, too.

Was I wrong to force
Diane to do this?

No.

Nothing bad ever happens

when a parent forces a child
into show business.

Nothing.

Thank you, Ruby.
Mm.

Shh.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Willy!

It's okay.

I came back.

Where were you all day?

You look terrible.

I suddenly
couldn't drive anymore.

The car just kept on going off
onto the shoulder, you know?

Suddenly...

Bow had a lot riding
on Diane's performance,

but I got to say,

my daughter stepped up,
and she delivered.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Bravo, Diane!

Bravo, Diane!

That man is my daughter!

That man is my daughter!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE CONTINUE)

Peggy, we're a hit!

We're gonna run
for two whole weekends!

Oh, my God!

(BOTH SQUEALING)

Hey.

Can I get a ride home with you?

Sure.

If your masculinity
is strong enough

to survive the passenger seat.

A dude's driving, so it's fine.

(SCOFFS)

Never thought I'd be cool

with watching my daughter
play a man, but...

I loved it.

So maybe I can be cool
with, uh...

you doing your thing, too.

Thanks, Dad.

And, you know, you're not
as outdated as you think.

After all, you were raised
by a strong woman...

Yep... married a
strong woman...

True DAT.

...are raising
two strong women.

Sure am.

And you're not threatened
by any of them.

Maybe Diane.

Come to think of it,
you're actually a feminist.

I am, aren't I?

Yeah.

And being a male feminist
is a much bigger deal

than being a female feminist.

Uh...

I guess I'm the biggest feminist
in the family!

(BOTH LAUGH)

Yup. Be sure to tell Mom.
She will love that.

Yeah, I will.

I will.
(CHUCKLES)

Bye, guys!

Bye!
Bye!

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey.

Hey!

How was the cast party?

It was so amazing!

Was it?

Everyone just kept on
congratulating me.

It just felt so incredible
to be up on that stage, Mom.

Mm.

I'm so glad you made me do it.

(SQUEALS)

Ohh! I'm just
so proud of you.

And you know
what the best part is?

You set a precedent
about choosing yourself,

and that's gonna stay with you
for the rest of your life.

Thank you, Mom.

Plus, Ms. Davis was so impressed
with my performance,

guess what she did.
What?

She decided to switch up
the roles in the next musical

to "Dreamgirls and Boys."

That's so cool!
I know!

Oh, my...

Hey.

What happened with Quinn?

Oh. He hooked up
with my wife.

Oh. Okay.

But you know what? I
don't even care. Okay.

I'm done with boys
who can't handle my success.

Mm-hmm. That's right.

Mm-hmm.
Okay.

Hey, Diane.

I just wanted to say congrats.
You were awesome.

Aww. Thanks, Pablo.

Um...

do you, um...

do you want to sit together
at lunch tomorrow?

First, you need
to know something.

I'm dope.

And I'm always going to be dope.

Can you handle that?

Y-Yeah, totally.

Well, great.
Find me at lunch.

Bye.
Bye!

Hashtag Black girl magic.

Hashtag Black girl magic.

Hey, hey, now!
Hey!

♪ No, no, no, no,
I'm not living without ya ♪

♪ I'm not living without ya ♪

♪ I don't want
to be free-ee-eee ♪

♪ I'm stayin' ♪

♪ I'm stayin' ♪

♪ And you, and you, and you ♪

♪ You're gonna love meeeeeee ♪