Transcripts - Forever Dreaming

♪ Let's go make some videos ♪

♪ Hey! Hey! ♪

♪ Let's go make some videos ♪

♪ Hey! Hey! ♪

Hey guys! I'm Paige.

- I'm Frankie.
- And we're Bizaardvark.

Today we're posting a ton
of videos for a special

Bizaardvark Holiday Video Sketchtacular!

Consider it our present to you.

Seriously, we did not
get you anything else.

You're welcome.

Now, let's curl up by the
fire, and enjoy the show.

Ahh. That's the stuff.

♪ Hey! Hey! ♪

It's time for the holiday edition

of everyone's favorite game show...

Is Bernie Allowed to Open It?

And now, back for another year,

and coming off her shocking
innocent verdict...

your host... Grandma!

That's enough!

Welcome to "Is Bernie
Allowed to Open It?!",

where contestants are
shown various presents,

and have to guess whether it's
safe for Bernie to play with them.

Let's meet our contestants.

Today we have Amelia.

Willow.

And Zane and Rodney,

who, for some reason, are playing
the game as one contestant.

And now,

he's my grandson who still needs
four night lights to get to sleep...

Three if it's still sunny out!

...Bernard Miriam Schotz!

Let's start the show!

Our first present is...

a toy train.

Oooh.

It's for ages five and up,

and when you press the smiley face,

it says, "Choo Choo. I love you."

Is. Bernie. Allowed. To open it?

Let's see those answers.

We wrote... "yes."

I played with that toy when I was three.

I also said "yes."

The box literally says,
"This Can't Hurt Children."

I'm a hard "no."

Any toy that talks will
give Bernie nightmares.

Bernard... what's the answer?

Nope.

When they talk, I think they're real,

what can I do?

Our next present is...

a candy cane.

Oooh.

Is Bernie allowed to open it?

Let's see your answers.

We wrote "yes."

- Do we get candy canes now?
- No.

- Willow?
- I went "no" on this one.

It has two pointy sides,
but for some reason,

the curvy part also feels dangerous.

I said "no."

I once saw Bernie eat a lollipop
and break his ankle.

The irony is, the doctor
gave me another lollipop!

Oh, that bell means it's
our last present.

- It's a baby's pillow.
- Oooh.

This is simply a pillow
made to help a baby sleep.

Is. Bernie. Allowed. To open it?

- Does it have a zipper?
- Nope.

Is it a baby-sized pillow,
or a pillow for babies?

- Both.
- Pillow rhymes with Willow.

Noted.

Let's see those answers.

We went "yes."

It does rhyme with Willow!

I also said "yes."

It's a pillow.

For a baby.

Uh... I want to say no,

but... I just don't see
how it could hurt him.

So, I guess my answer is... "yes."

Bernard, what's the answer?

Wait, what? A "yes?"

We've never seen that before.

The judges are saying it's correct.

Bernard, it's true! You can open it!

I can?!

Oh my gosh!

I've never opened a present
before in my life!

This is so exciting!

I can't wait to use it...

He's gonna be all right, folks.

He's gonna make it!

See you all next time on...

Is Bernie Allowed to...

I didn't tell everyone to talk!

Happy Holidays.

Auditions for The
Vuuugle House Holiday Pageant.

Role of Santa Claus.

Santa!

No?

Good, I'm sweating.

Hi, I'm Sally Claus.

There's no reason
Santa can't be a woman.

Why does Christmas
have to be patriarchal?

They told me this was for
the part of the dreidel...

No?

Instead of following the script,
I wrote my own story.

Once upon a time,

Santa traveled to a magical
gumdrop forest.

And then...

Nope.

This Santa doesn't wrap gifts,
he raps rhymes!

My name is Santa, and I'm here to say...

Arrrr, matey!

Presents ahead!

What are you doing?

It's a choice. My Santa's a pirate.

Savage, right?

No.

Happy Holidays, thank you

for shopping at Benny's
Department Store.

I'm Cheryl, she's Delores.

- I'm Delores!
- We wrap your gifts,

'cause you're too lazy to.

- I'm joking!
- She's joking.

I wasn't joking.

Paper!

Socks? You're giving your kid socks?

Cheryl, she's buying her kid socks.

Oy.

I'm up!

Sorry! Your gift bored us to death.

Your kid's gonna hate these.

Tape!

Beautiful.

She probably had to go to the bathroom.

Oh, you know, I have this cousin,

who I swear has the
bladder of a hamster.

Hey! Next time you're
buyin' a gift, make it nice

and put it in the toy
drive bin for the kids!

Giving is living!

- Ooh, holiday rhyme, I like it.
- I do things.

Oh...

itchy wool sweater.

What kid wouldn't want one of these?

- I can't wear wool.
- I can't either, I break out in hives.

I can't even touch this thing!

I feel like I can't breathe!

I feel like I'm dying!

Get it away from me!
Get it away from me!

Trust us, no one wants that.

My son will look adorable in this.

- No he won't.
- Nobody could.

Unless your son is Chris Pratt.

Is your son Chris Pratt?

I don't appreciate
being talked to this way.

Her son isn't Chris Pratt.

Manager!

Is there a manager here?

This better be good. I was
watching my judge shows!

These women were being very rude

and insulted the sweater I'm buying.

Is it wool?

It is.

Don't get me started on wool.

No one needs it, no one wants it.

The last wool sweater I had,
I ran over with my car...

on purpose!

But...

the customer's always right.

Paper!

Tape!

Gum!

- That'll be $10,000.
- She's joking!

- I'm jokin'!
- She's joking!

No, I'm chokin'!

I inhaled some of the wool
from that sweater!

And now, another installment

of "Zane and Rodney
Explain the Holidays Wrong."

Oh, hello.

People always ask:

Why is Santa's last name Claus?

It's because his hands
have claws on them.

It's true. He's half polar bear.

This has been another installment of

"Zane and Rodney
Explain the Holidays Wrong."

Lou Scoopmaker here with breaking news!

There are aliens, I repeat,

aliens flying in the sky.

They have sharp horns,
they're flying in pairs.

One of them has
a red laser on its nose...

Wait, what?

I'm being told that they're reindeer.

And it's Christmas.

Which I knew, because I'm invited
to many holiday parties.

Did they buy that?

Do they know I'm not
invited to any parties?

Oh, we're still rolling?

Auditions for The
Vuuugle House Holiday Pageant.

Role of Christmas Tree.

What'd you call a reindeer who's a jerk?

Rude-olph.

This thing on?

The tree?

You want me to be the tree?!

Wait, shouldn't a tree play the tree?

There are so few roles
for trees these days.

I don't want to take that away
from a deserving pine.

We're still not doing the dreidel thing?

I'm not a Christmas tree, mate.

I'm an Australian Ironwood tree.

And if you didn't know,

that's the strongest type of tree

in the world.

Suns out, trunks out!

I'm a Christmas
tree, and I'm here to say...

...and then the Gingerbread Knight

told Santa he was going

to the enchanted ladybug
garden. And then...

Nope.

Do you have a holiday grievance?

Have you been involuntarily exposed
to cheer and/or merriment?

Well, here at the law offices
of Deveene and DeVine...

- DeVine and Deveene.
- We can help!

As you may have heard,

due to a brief,
but still ongoing lawsuit,

we are no longer allowed in courtrooms.

- Or parks.
- And we've been reduced

to settling minor holiday issues.

But that's okay,

because we'll help...

you put the "yay" back in "holid-yay."

We were all hanging out,

having a great time decorating the tree.

But when I decided
to take a well deserved nap...

I woke up with this!

Candy canes stuck in my hair!

I'm gonna look so dumb
in all the holiday pictures.

Can you help me, Deveene and DeVine?

DeVine and Deveene.

Yes, we can.

We'll work around the clock
to get your holiday case closed!

No, case not closed!

I still have candy canes in my...

No, thank you!

Because here at the law offices
of Smarty Pants and Dumb Dumb...

Dumb Dumb and Smarty Pants.

We're here to holiday help!

Ooh, I can't wait to see
what I got for Christmas!

I got the Amelia Doll!

Just what I asked for.

Thank you, Santa!

Tabitha, time for Christmas breakfast!

Coming, Daddy!

I'll play with you after breakfast.

We're having chocolate chip pancakes,

which are my favorite, 'cause I'm six.

Oh goodie! I finally have a home!

I got a new haircut, a fancy outfit,

I have eight toes,
which is normal for a doll.

This is a great time to be me!

I wouldn't be so sure about that.

Who are you?

I'm a Paige Doll.

I was Tabitha's Christmas
present last year.

Why do you look like that?

Are you some kind of
filthy, action hero doll?

You newbies are so clueless!

I was a fashion doll like you.

I had perfect hair, fancy dress,

and two eyes that blinked
when they sensed motion.

Well, they must have
discontinued your model,

because you look like
a horrible monster.

No offense.

I'm not the monster.

Tabitha is.

That's ridiculous.

Tabitha is a sweet six year old girl

who loves chocolate chip
pancakes and Christmas.

Tabitha is a demented torturer
who likes ripping out eyes,

cutting hair, and drawing
on faces with markers.

You should run, Dolly.

Run while you still have legs!

Pfft, please.

You're just an old doll who's bitter

because Tabitha doesn't
play with you anymore.

I'm an Amelia Doll.
I'm shiny and perfect,

and Tabitha is gonna
love me forever! Ah!

Yay! A teddy bear!

I'll play with you after breakfast.

We're having eggs hollandaise,
which are my favorite,

because I'm seven now, and super mature.

Oh goodie!

I finally found a new home!

I've got fresh fur, clean
paws, and jacked triceps,

'cause that's normal for a bear.

It's a great time to be me!

I wouldn't be so sure about that...

Who said that?

She did.

She used to be an Amelia doll.

Welcome to the shelf, rook.

This time next year,

there's gonna be bear
stuffing everywhere.

High five.

This just in!

Tiny masked thieves have been spotted

carrying wrapped packages
into people's homes.

Anyone with eyes on these criminals
should call law enforcement...

Wait, what?

Seriously?

It appears... those are... elves.

Employed by the very
reputable Mr. Claus.

Sorry, Santa!

Please come to my house this year.

Mommy says I've been a good boy.

I'll make snickerdoodles.

This trailer has been rated "HG."

"Hair Guidance Suggested."

Ho! Ho! Ho!

Merry Christmas!

But this winter,
there's a new Santa in town.

And this Santa don't need
no magic gift bag!

Yo! Yo! Yo! Hairy Christmas!

♪ What what what what
what's in m' hair? ♪

Presents!

♪ What what what what
what's in m' hair? ♪


Hey!

What do you think you're doing?

Christmas is my turf, punk.

Back off, Claus.

Or I'll introduce you to my friends.

Milk...

and cookies.

Ohh, it is Ho-Ho-Go time!

Bring it, Santa!

This is a bad movie, don't see it.

Auditions for The
Vuuugle House Holiday Pageant.

Role of Hanukkah Dreidel.

Wait, so all I do is spin around
and round and round,

and I have the power to decide who
gets chocolate and who doesn't?

Oh, I want this.

Wheeeee!

...And then, all the fairies flew

to the majestic butterfly kingdom.

And then they all died. The end.

Wait, it's now?

I gotta get my dreidel costume
back from the cleaner's!

I'm getting the sense you don't
appreciate my rapping,

so I'm gonna switch genres.

♪ Aaaaaave ♪

♪ M' dreeeeeidel... ♪

Wheeee!

Shiver me timbers and happy Hanukkah.

I'm an Australian pirate dreidel.

Oy vey. Argh!

It's good, right?

- Do you have this in pink?
- We do not.

Then, nope.

Okay, I'm ready.

Too late, I already got the part.

Whee!

And now,

another installment

of "Zane and Rodney
Explain the Holidays Wrong."

Here's a fun fact.

Mistletoe got its name because
Santa's toes are made of missiles.

And that's how he defended
the North Pole

in the Great Reindeer Battle of 1986.

This has been another installment of

"Zane and Rodney
Explain the Holidays Wrong."

♪ Hey! Hey! ♪

Okay, Bernard, it's 8 P.M.

on New Year's Eve,
you know what that means.

I'm already an hour past my bed time.

Oh well.

Have fun staying up
until midnight, everyone.

Grandma, Bernie's been
really good this year.

Do you think he could stay up
until midnight with us?

Yeah!

Also, he's going to college soon.

I don't know...

You've never stayed up that late before.

Do you think you'd
even make it to midnight

without falling asleep?

Absolutely.

I took two naps today,
and drank a ton of juice.

Again... college in, like, two years.

Okay, Bernard.

For the first time ever,

you can stay up until midnight.

Hooray!

It's almost midnight!

How ya feeling, Bernie?

A little tired, but...

in five minutes I will see
midnight on New Year's!

I just wish that clock
wasn't moving so slow.

Oh dear.

Am I moving too slow?

Please, accept my sincerest apologies.

I'll just move my hands
to midnight and...

Whoopsie!

Now I'm further away from midnight!

How did that happen? Oh right.

Because I control time!

Come on, Clock!

This is a big night for me.

I've never seen midnight before.

You've never seen midnight?

Boohoo!

Life is meaningless and empty!

Come on, Clock, it's a holiday.

Oh, it's a holiday?

Were you planning on playing games

and laughing, and dancing... like this?!

♪ Ha cha, watch my hands change time ♪

♪ I hate the holidays and all of you! ♪

- What's happening?
- It's a call back!

Come on, clock, can't you just
make it midnight already?!

Why are you doing this to me?

Why?

Perhaps it's because...

no matter how important time is,

no one ever invites
the clock to a holiday party.

I'm always here, on this wall...

alone.

Hey, Evil Clock?

Yes?

We have an idea.

Five, four,

three, two, one...

Happy New Year!

- Aww, Bernie missed it.
- Oh well.

Thank you for the invite, friends.

I'm having the time of my life!

It's funny, 'cause she's a clock.

Do you still have unresolved
holiday grievances?

Has someone stolen all your carrots,

and used them as snowman noses?

Are you tired of holiday lawyers

only focusin' on the winter holidays?

Well, here, at the law offices
of Duckworth and Duckworth...

Duckworth and Duckworth.

We'll cover all the other holidays.

Groundhog didn't see his shadow?

We'll sue him.

Easter Bunny hide the eggs too well?

We'll sue him.

Fourth of July fireworks
too loud for you?

That's your problem.

Why do you hate America?

No holiday is too small.

Except Arbor Day.

What is that?

So call Duckworth and Duckworth,

Duckworth and Duckworth.

And we'll sue...

For you!

Hey, do you guys wanna sing
the "12 days of Christmas"

but as the "12 days of Vuuugle?"

Paige, that song takes for-ever to sing.

Nah, c'mon, it'll fly by. I'll start.

♪ On the first day of Vuuugle ♪

♪ My Vuuuglers gave to me... ♪

♪ A song that's an hour or three! ♪

Paige, I really think...

♪ On the second day of Vuuugle ♪

♪ My Vuuuglers gave to me... ♪

Frankie?

Paige, c'mon, we have lives.

Yeah...

Why can't we just do the song
one time, starting at "twelve,"

and then go all the way down?

I mean, I don't think
anyone wants to rush the...

Yes, we do!

All right, but we're gonna do it my way

with a little bit of holiday magic.

♪ On the twelfth day of Vuuugle ♪

♪ My Vuuuglers gave to me ♪

♪ Twelve "This is happenings" ♪

♪ Eleven Grandma's punchin' ♪

♪ Ten finger puppets ♪

♪ Nine muscles flexing ♪

Nine... aw, Lou, you were eight!

♪ Seven skips a skipping ♪

♪ Six unboxed boxes ♪

Uh... okay.

♪ Four it's me again ♪

♪ Three hey y'alls ♪

♪ Two still too longs ♪

♪ And a song from our Vuuugle family! ♪

Yeah!

That's how you holiday, everyone!

- All right, back to twelve!
- No!

Thank you so much for watching...

Bizaardvark's
Holiday Video Sketchtacular!

I'd say we didn't rehearse that,

but uh... we did.

Like 20 times.

Anyway, from your friends
at the Vuuugle House...

Happy Holidays!

Whatever, good enough.

Alert, alert!

Burglars dressed in
all black have entered

the Malibu Action News building...

Nope. No, I'm not falling for that one.

It's Christmas, I get it.

But you're not gonna make a fool

out of Lou Scoopmaker this time!

Well, that's all for this
handsome news anchor.

From all of us here
at Malibu Action News,

to all of our viewers out there...

Merry Christmas to all,

and to all... a nood gight.

Aw, Lou, you almost had it!

Why is it cold in here?