03x20 - ON THE R-O-- ROAD A-G-- AGAIN

[bunniefuu]

Whoo, JJ. I've got fantastic news.

Dylan?

I found your perfect aide for college.

I said play the trumpets.

And I said 5 bucks.

This guy's good. His name is
Tim, and he's willing to relocate.

"Abilities Magazine"
named him one of the 30

hottest aides under 30.

And there's this thing where celebrities

pre-hire aides in case
they get paralyzed.

He's Jake Gyllenhaal's.

The thing is, this Tim
guy lives in Seattle,

and he is in demand.

If we want him, we've got to grab him.

Maybe make a road trip out of it?

One last JJ adventure before college?

- Did someone say "JJ adventure"?
- Aah!

God, you just called
me from the supermarket.

"This isn't one of our
spontaneous road trips.

They found a great aide for me to meet."

Plus, we know you've been
looking for opportunities

to make new JJ memories
before he's gone.

Do you know how much it turns me on

when you engineer mummy-son moments?

Ew.

Well, I'd like to kick
the tires on this guy.

And I'd love to see
Seattle... Check out Starbucks.

I'm not sure if the
first one's still there.

The first one's there?

All right! Road trip!

Uh, Mom and Dad, too bad
this wasn't your idea.

You didn't have time to write
new lyrics to "Born To Be Wild".

Vamp. I'm almost there, darling.

♪ Annual DiMeo road trip ♪

♪ We didn't have time to practice ♪

♪ I wrote this in ten seconds ♪

♪ So please give us a break ♪

♪ It's a rug frog
with a destitution ♪

♪ We've never dug
one of these bagels ♪

♪ Just read what I wrote, darling ♪

♪ I think I need glasses ♪

A little further away?

Not their best work.

♪ Not our best work ♪

Let's play 20 questions. I'll go first.

Why do you think I'm dressed like this?

Does it trouble you that
we've been driving for hours

and no one's cared to ask?

Yes. 19 left.

Why are you dressed this way, Ray?

Well, I realized my college résumé

was a pile of human waste.

So I decided to join the Eagle Scouts

and beef up my extracurriculars.

- It's a little noose-y.
- Look, Kenneth.

An old friend wants to say "Hello."

The JJ care manual!

Hello, Kenneth, my old friend.

Now it's time to share
me with another newbie.

But we've been through a lot, Kenneth.

We are going to miss you.

Binder, you said "we."

The binder's right, Kenneth.

Pop, I don't want to overuse
the "Are we there yet?",

but stuff's getting weird back here.

Our timing's gonna depend
on how many more unscheduled

mother-son photo ops
your mom tries to jam in.

Ooh! An ordinary bird. Quick, stop.

How many more pictures with JJ?

All of these stops
are making me carsick.

Ray, you know the
DiMeo road trip rule...

Getting carsick isn't a choice...

But letting the vomit
leave your mouth is.

Ooh! Make a right here.

And then a left to get
back on the real road?

No, no, no. It's a shortcut.

I wouldn't go down
that way if I was you.

Road's mighty bumpy, and
those tires look a little bald.

You're bald.

Sorry, but you did set me up.

Anyway, my map's
telling me this shortcut

gets us to Seattle two hours early.

Your funeral.

So... what are we thinking about that?

I think we're DiMeos and
we can handle a few bumps.

Just two more miles like this,
then we hit a gas station.

Then 30 more miles like this.

I told you we should've
listened to that old man!

Yep, that's a rock.

Boom! Geology badge.

"Do we have spare tires?"

Sure do.

Been driving on them for four years.

All right. Anybody have any reception?

Aha!

I found a quarter.

Helpful, Dylan.

You going for a jealousy badge, Scout?

Maybe someone will come along

and I could stop them
with a flash of ankle.

I don't think anyone's coming.

We should probably just roll the tires

to that gas station up the road.

"I'll take one. Lay it on me."

Come on, dirt road selfie time, JJ.

Oh!

Aah!

Maya's JJ bible!

Ow!

Oh, my hitchhiking ankle!

Who would want you now?

On a scale of 1 to 10,
what's your pain level?

Aah! 2!

Help me up.

Ahh. Ah!

I'm fine to walk into town with JJ.

Watch me.

Aah!

Aah!

And so on.

JJ, you better stay here with your mom.

I'll take the tires into town myself.

"How will you carry two flat tires?"

Check this out.

Ah... Oh.

Son of a...

So heavy.

And so on.

No!

The book... It fell in the river!

The pages, they... They washed away.

My life's work.

And the only thing that
gave your life meaning.

- What should we do?
- We got to re-create it

while it is still fresh in my mind.

I will help you, my friend.

"We need to hurry.

The woods are making them weird."

I'll go, too.

This quarter is burning
a hole in my pocket.

Okay, but I want to
make something clear.

We're not gonna have any
fun and we're not gonna make

any memories that your mom might
feel like she's missing out on.

Yes, don't enjoy yourselves.

That is all I ask.

Ray, you coming?

Hardly.

A scout's place is in the jungle.

Th... This is not a-a...

We'll be back soon.

All right. Page 1...

Welcome to the family.

You are not, nor will you
ever be good enough for this.

Y'all need a mechanic?

"Didn't we just see you on the road?"

Oh, that must have been my brother.

He likes to warn travelers
about that bumpy road.

The mechanic will be back soon enough.

Y'all can wait in the
diner across the way.

"World's best waffles?

Let's make them prove it."

And I can spend my quarter.

I've been holding it so long,

the Dumbledore guy's printed on my palm.

I don't know, guys.

It's not a great look for
us to be eating waffles

while the rest of them
are stranded in the woods.

Let's just stay here.

Or in a seat with a view of here.

Expectations low.

This will be empty and depressing.

Man, your worldview is flawed.

I'm off to forage.

I'm gonna bring some extra
sustenance just in case.

Hey, how do you make a,
uh, a scout journal dance?

Put a little jerky in it.

Not sure that makes sense.

He likes a clever exit line.

So hilarious, darling.

- Well done.
- Yeah, bye.

All right, where were we?

Let's double back to the prologue.

"And in the beginning,
there was JJ and Maya.

And the JJ was with Maya, and
the JJ was Maya... " Oh, no.

That can't be right, can it?

No, that's what you wrote.

It is so much harder to
re-create it in my mind.

Well, if you're stumped,
then I have very good news.

I made a copy,

and I brought mine to show Tim, too!

Oh, Kenneth, I could kiss you...

if it weren't strictly prohibited

in the section on
mother-helper interactions.

You changed it.

I sure did.

With Care Book 2.0,
JJ's ready for anything.

I made a few changes,
made some corrections.

Oh, it's way better.

Oh, Maya...

you've suddenly developed
an unrelated eye twitch.

- Wow.
- Mmm.

"These really are the world's
best waffles. Try one, Dad."

No, I don't need breakfast.

I just need this mechanic to
get back from his break, fast.

Just a couple flats,
guys. Okay to laugh.

Hey, Mabel or something like that.

What kind of trouble
can I get into with this?

We got prize machines in the back.

A machine for 25 cents?!

She'll figure it out.

Mm-hmm.

I'm sorry I'm not that much fun.

We just got to get out of here.

Aren't you nervous about
missing the big Tim meeting?

"I'm nervous about a lot.

Can I ask you something?

Don't tell Mom."

W... Just a... father-son powwow?

Just for fathers and sons?

No moms or siblings allowed?

Sure, sure.

"College is starting to feel real now...

Being on my own

without you or Mom or Kenneth.

How do I meet people?

It's hard for me."

Buddy, college is the
place to be nonverbal.

All anybody wants to do
is talk about themselves.

You ask a question and just let them go.

But you're great,

and people will see that.

It... It can be a slow start.

It was for me.

I think I ended up okay.

"Ending up like you?

I'll take it."

It's nice to get to talk like this.

You know what? I'll take a bite.

Wow.

Wow!

Oh, wow. Mechanic's back.

Mm. Practice meeting someone.

Get, like, 100 more of these.

This is wrong.

Incomplete.

"Tactics for handling Maya."

Damn it, this would actually work.

Maya, relax. I just filled in some gaps.

Oh, so now you think you can
teach me about caring for JJ?

Okay, I'm sensing some tension.

Let me work towards
my communication badge

by practicing mediation

while eating some
probably-not-poisonous plants

for my wilderness survival badge.

Mom... tell Kenneth how you feel.

I feel like Kenneth is
second-guessing my ability

to care for JJ with his
book of secrets and lies.

Kenneth.

I feel that Maya doesn't appreciate

the strides JJ has
taken since he met me.

And she is jealous that my book

- covers everything!
- Now...

I think Kenneth is an ungrateful stooge.

And I feel like you can kiss my ass!

Great. Now that the, uh,
conflict has been resolved...

- Get out!
- Make me!

Oh.

Wh... Get back here with that book!

See ya!

Aah! Are you insane?!

JJ's best pickup lines are in there.

Aah.

Decisions, decisions, huh?

The obvious choice is the bouncy ball...

The classic. What are you thinking?

I'm just waiting to use the restroom.

But, I mean, that tattoo...

Just the fact that the sun
itself is wearing sunglasses...

that makes you think.

Yeah. You're gonna want
to think on it on the can.

Yell it out when it comes to you.

Uh, hello?

Oh, so you are the mechanic.

Or... are you the one from the road?

Sounds like you been
talking to my two brothers...

One of whom likes to warn travelers

about the bumpy road,

the other who tells people I'm not here.

Sure. Listen, I've got a couple flats.

Yeah, I can patch them quick.
Now, if you want new ones,

I'll have to go to the next town over.

You'd be here a while.

Stuck here with my son?

Well, if the new ones are safer.

Nope, never said that.

Yeah, I'll be in the
diner when they're ready.

Well, you did it.

Broke the record for eating

the most waffles in one sitting.

Oh! Ye... Yeah.

Yeah, no, great. I did it.

How'd you even know
that that was the record?

We took that sign down.

No, I saw a sign.

Uh-huh.

All right, very nice.

Yeah! There it is.

There, wait for it. And...

Yeah! Perfect!

Nice. Nice!

320's good.

Huh?

Yeah, first one fit
the tone better, yeah.

It did.

Yeah, okay.

I love you.

I hate it here now.

Uh, hey, Mom.

The greens I gave you to
eat about an hour ago...

You haven't swallowed
them yet, have you?

Bear. Bear, bear,

- bear, bear, bear, bear, bear, bear.
- He's back.

- Maya!
- Can't come in my van.

Go make your own van
2.0 and get in that.

Let me in! There's a bear out there!

A bear? Was its coat black?

It's brown!

Sounds to me like a brown bear.

Really? Does a brown bear
sound like a brown bear?

Let me in!

Your book covers everything.

I'm sure there's a
chapter on imaginary bears.

Aah!

Aah!

Bear, bear, bear!

Hey, it was a brown bear.

Tires came back. You're all set.

Oh. Okay.

Is there anything else
you can do to the car?

Maybe change the oil?

Typically, you need the
car present to do that.

Oh, so you're the funny brother.

Oh.

Hey.

I, uh, just talked to the mechanic...

Excuse me. I noticed your,
uh, boy eyeing my tractor.

You two like to take it for a spin?

And he said it would be
ready in one tractor ride.

Huh?

Hey, that mechanic ever come back?

I am the mechanic.

Maybe you were talking
to one of my two brothers.

- One of them...
- I don't care. Look, I'm ready to go.

When are you gonna be
done with our tires?

Ah.

I feel, like, 30% manlier.

Should we get going?

Don't want to keep them waiting.

Well, of course not.

But, sadly, those darn
tires just aren't ready yet.

Then why would the tire brother

tell me they've been ready for an hour?

Sayonara, suckers!

Felt a lot faster when
we were yelling "Wheee!"

It's okay.

You're inside, and
bears don't know doors.

Oh!

Bears know doors!

Mankind's reign has ended!

Aah!

Aah! Mayas know doors!

Check, please.

"Why don't you want to go
back? What's going on, Dad?"

I don't know.

This place is so great.

And this is our last road trip.

And you're going away soon.

And I saw an opportunity, and, uh...

I just wanted to spend
time with you, bud.

I've been so focused on making
sure that Mom got time with you

because she needs it, but
she's not the only one... Huh.

She's not the only one
who's gonna miss you.

Dad?

"Are you crying?"

No, I'm not. No.

No, kids. I'm not
supposed to make you cry.

My job is to make you not-cry.

"It's okay.

Let it out."

I am just gonna miss you so much.

And I think about the kids in your dorm

and your professors who
get to see you every day

like it's nothing.

I don't know why they get to do that.

They get to take the
best part of my day...

Being with you guys,
being with you alone.

That's it. I just wanted one more day.

"Don't worry. There's time for
Mom bonding and Dad bonding.

I'll make time."

I miss Dad.

So do I.

Ayup!

This tear is the most
precious prize of all.

So weird.

I can't believe I'm stuck
here with the last person

I'd ever choose to be
eaten by a bear with.

Why would you choose to get
eaten by a bear, Kenneth?

Must you undermine me
every chance you get?

I can't believe I ever thought
we were actually friends.

Please. It was always a friendship
of convenience based around JJ.

You know what? This is dumb.

- Come on, let's go.
- Yeah.

Oh, no!

I don't want to die angry.
It's what everyone would expect.

I could never die angry at you.

I only did my manual
to be more like you.

R-Ready for anything.

Aah!

This isn't a friendship
of convenience for me.

Me neither.

Hey, bear!

Ray!

Call me Reverse Goldilocks,

'cause this is gonna feel just wrong.

I'm big and making noise,

and bears hate

big things making noise.

Ray, stop attracting the bear!

It's supposed to scare the bear!

She's right! You're seducing the bear.

Dude looks thirsty.

Or hungry.

It's the jerky smell.

No, there's no more jerky, bear.

This is just my record
of my achievements.

I need this to get into college.

Or do I?

If the sum of me is
what's on these pages,

am I really anything at all?

Stop it, Ray!

You're making him
hungrier... Or hornier!

You're right.

Goodbye, scout Ray.

Darling, well done!

Oh, I'm so sorry about your scout book.

It's okay.

Facing down a bear
makes collecting badges

just to prove myself
on paper seem silly.

But also, I fought off a frickin' bear!

That's gonna look great
in my college essays.

- Oh, there he is.
- Maya!

Oh, Kenneth.

Are those your pages?

Our pages...

From both manuals!

It's a double JJ Care Book miracle.

Um, excuse me, guys.

There's still a bear
very much at large here.

- Right.
- Ow.

Oh, allow me.

Oh.

The least I can do after
you taught me how to do this.

Oh, yeah, and you're doing it

so wrong.

Ah, man.

That Tim guy is gonna
love this JJ super book.

Oh, look.

We both have a page

on how to deliver JJ's punch lines.

With a slight head nod.

Maya,

I have come to share my feelings.

I want to spend more time with JJ,

so I want to ride in the back.

Oh, that's okay, darling.

I want to sit next to my friend Kenneth.

We can tell stories and share secrets.

I have one about Jimmy.

I have one about Jimmy, too.

Bet you're pretty
jealous of my dad tear.

I'm not. Quit asking me.

All right, guys. Let's move 'em out.

Next stop, Tim!

Tim! Tim! Tim! Tim! Tim!

Tim! Tim! Tim! Tim!

Tim! Tim! Tim! Tim!

Oh, pretty bumpy back here.

- Is it always like this?
- Keep it in the mouth.

- Oh, God.
- Keep it in the mouth.

Seattle!

"We made it to Tim."

Man, Seattle people are grouchy.

Barely grazed the guy.

I hit his wife's car way harder.

Check me out, Seattle.

I am a fish thrower.

Ow!

Dude, you got to catch the fish.

I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.

Intricate, beautiful plan of shortcuts!

We are here for an appointment with Tim.

Tim, your order's ready.

It's Tim!

Oh, oh, oh! You can run!

Well, you're gonna have
a look at this book!

My best friend is talking to you!