Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.
Barkeep, pour me a beer.
Uh-oh, Normie. Flimflam alert.
Uh-uh.
Hey, guys, how you doing?
Pretty good, Harry. Yeah.
Good to see you.
It's been a long time.
How long's it been?
Well, two to ten,
with time off for good behavior.
Oh, boy, I need
change for this 50.
You need change.
Maybe I can help you, huh?
Great.
Hold it, hold it.
Oh, come on, guys.
Give me a break.
I'm a reformed man.
Oh, yeah?
Well, maybe you wouldn't mind
if we monitored this
little transaction. Yeah.
Wouldn't mind at all.
Okay, you got 50 bucks.
Here's one, two,
three, four, five.
Norm, what time is it?
11:00.11, hmm?
12, 13, 14.
Gee, my watch must be fast.
I got, uh, 11:25.
26, 27,
28. Cliff,
you have not aged a
day. How old are you?
Oh... 39.
39.40, 41, forty...
Wait.
You can't be that old.
When were you born?
'47.
48, 49, 50.
There you go, barkeep.
Thank you.
Good to see you, guys.
Yeah.
Hey, Sam, long time no see.
What was Harry
the Hat doing here?
He just came in for a beer.
Oh.
And some change.
Oh...
♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪
♪ Takes everything you've got ♪
♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪
♪ Sure would help a lot ♪
♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪
♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ You want to be
where you can see ♪
♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ You want to be where
everybody knows your name ♪
♪ You want to go
where people know ♪
♪ People are all the same ♪
♪ You want to go where
everybody knows your name. ♪
Afternoon, everybody.
Norm.
How's life treating you?
It's not, Sammy, but that
doesn't mean you can't.
Uh, boy, I'd love to, man,
but I don't have a
dime to my name.
And my boat sank
and everything...
Yeah, I know... The
bottom of the Caribbean.
What is that, the
17th or 18th time
we heard that speech?
Oh, hey, Normie?
Listen, that was
great meat loaf last night, huh?
It was, wasn't it?
You know, uh,
Cliff, I've been
meaning to talk to you.
Hmm? I don't mind
you staying with
us for a little while
till you get your new
place, but, uh, it's beginning
to be a little bit of
a problem for Vera.
The dishes, the bed,
the way you leave the
bathroom in the morning.
You got to start leaving
something for her to do, pal.
I mean,
she wants to spend time with me.
Booze, Woody, and quickly.
What's the matter, Dr. Crane?
Oh, I'm devastated.
I need something
expeditious and brutal
to numb my sensibilities
and blast me into
sweet oblivion.
How about a boilermaker?
Make it a mimosa.
What's got you so upset?
Some college professor
has just published an article
that refutes everything
I said in my last paper.
Sounds like a sh**t-out
at the cuckoo corral.
What could motivate an honored
and distinguished colleague
to launch a personal
att*ck like this?
Well, now, maybe
it's just a, you know,
honest difference of
opinion between scholars.
Oh, goose poop, Sam,
the man's a yahoo.
Hey, Sammy?
Mm-hmm.
You want to see
what makes Rebecca's loins ache?
Sure.
Well, he just walked in.
It's the great and
powerful Evan Drake.
See to my table upstairs.
Uh, yes, sir.
She's skipping the thrill ride
that's Sammy Land for that?
While I think of it,
take care of that
telex to Paris.
First thing tomorrow.
Now.
Uh, yes, sir.
What's she see in him?
Money, power, prestige.
Yeah, but I'm several
inches taller than him.
Sam Malone.
Evan Drake. How do you do?
I've been looking
forward to meeting you.
I was a big fan of yours.
Oh. Any fan of mine is
certainly welcome here,
especially one who
could fire me like a sh*t.
What can I get you?
You got some 20-year-old Scotch?
Uh, no, but we got some pretzels
that have been
around for a while here.
How about a Dewar's, huh?
That'll do it.
So, Mr. Drake,
things are going pretty
good at the old bar.
Well, I'm glad to hear that.
We sank a lot of bucks into it.
Oh, boy, don't talk to
me about sinking, man.
I lost my boat and...
Yeah, I heard.
Oh.
I remember watching
you pitch, Sam.
I'll bet you got a lot
of great stories, huh?
Well, yeah.
I got a million of 'em.
Hold still, I'll be right there.
Mr. Drake, they're ready
for you upstairs now.
I'll tell them to wait.
You know how people are
always catching you naked
when you don't want them to?
Well, this time...
Can you settle an argument here?
How much you figure
a guy like that
pays for his socks?
I don't want to
talk to anybody...
I've seen those at Barney's.
They're about 75 a pair.
Even I pay a dollar for mine.
The next thing I know,
there's a guys
standing next to me...
So there I am in the locker room
signing the game ball
for this guy, buck naked.
I tell you, I'll never
forget his name,
because it was so unusual.
Ueberroth.
Peter Ueberroth...
The Baseball Commissioner?
Uh, that's where the
story kind of falls apart.
I'll be right back.
Where you been?
I had to change a flat.
Mr. Drake's here.
Carla, don't even think
of joking about that.
Hello, Mr. Drake.
Oh, my God.
I didn't know you'd be here.
I look messy.
Close your eyes. Not you, Woody.
An attractive woman.
A little jumpy, though.
Yeah, but she makes it
work somehow, doesn't she?
You know, some of the
guys down at corporate
have asked her out, but
she always sh*t them down.
You tried your
luck with her yet?
Oh, no. I have a rule
about not dating
people I work with.
Struck out, huh?
Every time.
Yeah, you know,
some of the guys
there in the office
think she's a...
What?
A lady's lady.
Rebec...? Oh, no.
Oh, I can't believe it.
I'm so sorry, Mr. Drake.
I would have been here sooner,
but I was working on my car.
Uh...
well, I got a lunch partner.
Well, you know
it was really nice
to see you again.
Even if it was just
for a short while.
Oh, by the way,
I'm hosting a little
party Friday night
for some of the key people.
I would love it if
you could come.
Oh, Mr. Drake,
I'd-I'd-I'd-I'd...
really love that.
That's great.
8:00, my club, black tie.
Yeah, here's the address.
And bring a date.
Uh, or a companion, or whatever.
Sam.
I wonder what he meant
by "a companion or a whatever."
Who knows?
What's so funny?
Uh, well, it seems that
the love of your life there
thinks that because he's
never seen you date anybody
that maybe you...
well, prefer ladies.
You-you set him
straight, didn't you?
Based on what?
God, I... I can't believe this.
He's all I ever think about,
and now he thinks that I'm...
Yeah, yeah, it's a
nutty world, isn't it?
You know something, though...
I'm bet you could
change his mind real quick
if you were to
show up at his party
just crawling all over
this incredibly good-looking,
hot, macho stud.
You for instance?
You recognized the description.
Look, Sam, just
because I put my work
before my social
life, does not mean
I don't have boyfriends.
I have boyfriends.
I could pick up that phone
and have a dozen
dates for Friday night.
Yeah, but could you get one
as great looking as I am?
Blindfolded, gagged
and with both hands
tied behind my back.
We were just talking
about a party Friday night.
Sammy, where is it,
and what time should I be there?
Good evening, Sam.
Hey.
Can I, uh, get a glass of water.
Got the hiccups, huh?
Yes. It's merely psychosomatic.
I guess I'm still upset about
that journalistic
s*ab in the back.
You ought to put a bag
over your head. No, no.
I'd look ridiculous.
I'm just going to do what
my mother always taught me.
Oh, yeah, you're right,
the bag would look silly.
There. Hey.
Oh, damn.
Wow, Miss Howe.
You look pretty enough
to take to a barn dance.
Thank you.
Sam, when I'm
gone tonight, I want...
Why are you wearing a tuxedo?
Why does Superman wear a cape?
To rescue people.
This is your big
party night, isn't it?
Yes.
He did tell you to invite
somebody, didn't he?
Yes, and I did... An
old boyfriend Ryan.
Oh, really?
Yes, and it wasn't
an easy decision.
Yeah, I'll bet not.
I thought about asking Steve,
but he had a modeling
gig in New York.
And then Jean
Pierre is such a bore.
Keep humming,
though. Keep humming.
Keep it up. Keep
humming. come on.
I think it worked.
Frasier, I'm telling you,
you should put a
bag on your head.
Carla, I'm not putting any...
bag on my head.
Oh, give me the damn bag.
You know what
else I found works,
is putting a lemon
in your mouth.
Wait a minute, you can actually
get a whole lemon in your mouth?
Well, young man,
let's take a trip
over to Mr. Wizard's laboratory.
Yeah?
Woody...
What's this message,
"Urgent. See Woody"?
Oh, right.
Uh, Ryan from the
escort service called,
said there a mistake
in the booking.
He couldn't make it tonight.
Said to be discrete about it.
That's why I wrote
the note that way.
Sweetheart, can you
help me with my cufflinks?
Sam, you are not going with me.
No way.
An escort service?
You couldn't get a date
from an escort service?
I am not going with you.
There are a lot of
people that hang out here
that I'd rather be seen with.
Dr. Crane would probably
enjoy a stylish evening
with refined company.
I'm cured. I think I'm cured.
I think I'm cured!
Just remember now,
I don't go all the
way on the first date.
Do you think that's her?
This is ridiculous.
Listen, uh, why don't you let me
freshen your drink up there,
and I'll find out
if that's his wife.
I'm not even thirsty.
Don't be obvious.
Uh, do that again
there, will you, partner?
Nice party.
Ah, glad you like it.
Yeah, yeah.
I guess I was way off base
about Rebecca, wasn't I?
Oh, yeah, way off, way off.
On the way over in the car,
she was all over
me like a cat in heat.
Interesting.
Say, uh, I haven't
met your wife here.
Oh, no, that's not her.
Uh, she's in Bora Bora.
Oh, uh, visiting family?
Actually, we're, uh,
we're separated, Sam.
Oh, oh, well, that's too bad,
'cause she's missing
a heck of a party here.
Well, thanks a lot.
Well?
She's in Bora Bora.
They're separated.
I knew it.
I knew it, I knew it.
You know, I gotta tell you,
I'm a little bit confused here.
The red sauce is for the shrimp,
and the mustard's
for the egg roll.
That's not what I meant.
But thanks.
No, I was just wondering...
why haven't you made
a play for this guy?
I mean, how long have
you been carrying a torch?
It's not a torch.
What a silly expression.
I am not carrying a torch.
All right.
Two years.
Two years?
You haven't dated?
You haven't done
anything with anybody
for two years?
My God, what happens
to a person's body?
You haven't given him a clue?
You didn't how you
feel or anything?
Oh, sweetheart.
You got to tell him tonight
before you explode or something.
I can't.
I wouldn't know what to say.
Well, hell, I'll tell you what.
Let's rehearse it right here,
just the two of us.
You really think that'll work?
Absolutely... just pretend
that I'm Mr. Drake
here, and you've finally
gotten me alone and
you're going to tell me.
Okay. Okay.
Mr. Drake...
No... Evan.
Evan...
No, no. With feeling.
Evan.
Yeah, that's good, that's good.
Now, uh, run your
hand up my thigh, here.
Wait a minute...
No, no, trust me.
Guys think that's charming.
I just want to leave.
No. Hey, listen.
You're never gonna find
a better time than this.
I mean, he just
separated with his wife,
he's here alone,
we're at a party,
you look terrific.
Now, call me crazy,
but this could be
the perfect moment.
You're right. Yeah.
I have to seize the moment.
There you go.
Good girl.
Mr. Drake?
Yes, Rebecca?
Take me.
What the hell are you doing?
I'm sorry. Oh, I'm so sorry.
Sam, I think she
needs to go home.
No, I don't need to go home.
Good night.
I'm humiliated.
I know. Come on.
And disgraced.
I'm going to k*ll myself.
I still think that thigh thing
would have been charming.
Cheers.
Oh, hi, Mrs. Peterson.
Yeah, just a minute.
Hello. Hi, Vera.
Whoa. That's great news.
Great.
Cliffie. Here, she
wants to talk to you.
Me? Huh.
So, uh, what's the good news?
That she wants to talk to you.
Yeah, Vera.
Oh?
Well, uh, uh, you
following the recipe exactly?
Oh, gee, no, Vera, look.
It's supposed to be
two cups of water, not vinegar.
No, uh, get ahold of
yourself, now, Vera.
Y-y-you're making a
cake, not building a b*mb.
He obviously hasn't
had her tuna casserole.
♪ Hello, young lovers ♪
♪ Wherever you are ♪
♪ I hope your
troubles are few... ♪
Stupid.
Hey, Woody.
Where is Rebecca?
Uh, she was just
playing the jukebox
then she went into the office.
Thank you.
Yeah. I'll be right over.
Oh, I gotta get
over there, Normie.
She's-she's up to
her armpits in batter.
You don't mind if I stay, Cliff.
I've already seen that.
Yeah.
Don't blame me.
I told you to talk to the guy,
not inhale his gum.
I couldn't help myself.
Yeah, well, at least you
know how he feels now...
He's not interested.
Who wanted to know that?
You did. You were
miserable not knowing.
I was happy being miserable.
Now you've ruined it.
Oh, listen. Now, just...
Come on, sit down
here, will you?
Relax, please.
Just, you know, just...
Could I have this?
I'm probably gonna lose my job.
Oh, right. Sure. He's
gonna come over here
and fire you because
of one lousy kiss.
Talk about paranoid.
Miss Howe. Mr. Drake's
here to see you.
Talk about coincidence.
I'm dead.
No, you're not.
Now, I'll take
care of this. Uh...
Woody, can you stall
for a minute there?
Sure.
You know, in high school,
I entered the 4-H Club...
Not us, Woody... him, him.
Not us, him.
Out there, boy. Come on.
Okay?
Sure, Sam.
Would it have k*lled you
to be a little more specific?
What am I going to do?
Well, just wait. Uh...
Well, all right,
I'll-I'll go out there
and I'll tell him, uh,
that you were bombed
and that it didn't
mean anything.
Terrific. Wonderful image.
A girl goes to a party
and gets hammered,
then turns promiscuous.
Well, all right,
all right, uh...
I'll-I'll tell him that, uh,
that you were trying
to make me jealous
'cause you're crazy
in love with me.
That's...
Let me see.
My choices are
I'm a boozy slut...
or a complete idiot.
I'd go with the idiot.
I already did.
So, that's how we
knew, beyond a doubt,
that we were putting
way, way too much bran
in the pig's fodder.
Hi, Evan.
Oh, Sam...
What are you doing here, huh?
Well, I was on my
way to the airport,
and I thought I'd come by here
and clear this
matter up before I left.
Oh, yeah, listen,
I gotta tell you,
that whole thing at
the party was my fault.
I mean, we had
had a little tiff,
and she was trying to
make me jealous. Yeah,
I figured it was
something like that.
Yeah. Yeah.
Well, I better go back there
and apologize to her.
Wait, wa...
You're going to apologize?
Well, yeah, I overreacted.
I was a little rough on her.
Oh.
Yeah.
Uh, actually, uh,
give me a second
here, will you? Um...
She probably
needs to freshen up.
She's pretty upset
by this whole thing.
Her mascara's probably
down in her shoes by now.
How much do I owe
you for that, bartender?
Oh, no charge, Mr. Drake.
I mean, after all, you
kind of own the place.
Oh, no, no, no,
no, I'll pay for it.
Credit card okay?
Sure.
All right.
I'll need to see
a driver's license.
Listen, I did my best.
I mean, I gave him
the jealousy story,
but he just didn't buy it.
I tell you, man, he
is really steamed.
Damn.
You know, he said that if, uh,
if you were really
in love with me,
that he might understand.
You know, that it would
explain everything,
but he just... didn't buy that.
Oh, God, what am I going to do?
I don't know. I don't know.
Unless...
Unless what? What?
Ah... No, no, yeah,
yeah, that wouldn't work.
No, no, what? Tell me, please.
Well, all right, well,
maybe, you know, if...
well, if he were to walk in here
and find you kissing me
more passionately
than you kissed him...
Forget it, forget it, forget it.
All right all right.
You know, you never give up.
You are always on the make.
Let me tell you
something, buster. All right.
I still have a
little self-respect.
I have a little pride.
Have it your way.
Hello.
Oh. Ha.
Sorry, Evan, there.
I didn't, uh, didn't
hear you come in there.
You know how it is
with young lovers, here.
We just can't keep our
hands off each other.
Yeah.
You're a lucky man, Sam.
Oh, yeah, you're telling me.
Well, this little honey of mine
gives me a lot of
good loving, don't you?
Sure do, punkin.
Well, I just came
by to apologize
for how I reacted earlier.
Apologize?
To me?
Well, yeah, I told Sam outside.
You told Sam?
Gotcha.
So why don't we just not
say anything more about it?
I think that's a great idea.
Uh, let me walk you
to the car here. Yeah.
Malone. No, no.
I think we should say
nothing more about this.
Sam, get back here.
Ha. Some women
just can't get enough.
You haven't met my wife, Sam.
Oh... Oh...
Good night.
Hey, listen. Come on.
I'm just having a
little fun with you.
You know, I know
why you're upset.
You found out
something in that room
you hadn't counted on.
Your true feelings
were revealed.
What?
No woman can kiss like that
and not mean it.
Are you nuts?
No, no, no.
No, it can't be done.
You can't fake
passion like that.
Oh, is that right?
Hey, Fras.
Nice try.
Frasier?
Frasier?