04x04 - Graham & Sandra

[bunniefuu]

Oh, that's them now.
Oh, right.

Let's get a look at them then.

Oh, nice car.

Oh, Gordon looks like his dad,
doesn't he?

Yeah, a bit.

Oh, she's shorter than I'd imagined.

Yeah, cos Gordon's tall, isn't he?

I suppose he is, yeah.
Well, English folk have to be tall.

What do you mean?

Oh, so they can
look down their noses at us.

This programme contains strong language.

And this my dad.
Dad, this is Mr Baird.

Eric, it's Eric.

Pleased to meet you.
Lovely to meet you too, I'm Graham.

And this is my mum.
Mum, this is Sandra.

Hello, Sandra, I'm Beth.

Oh, hello, Beth, lovely to meet you,
thanks so much for inviting us.

Oh. Oh, not at all.

We can't guarantee you the weather

but we can promise you a warm welcome.

Oh, before I forget,
here's something for you.

Aw.
Oh, you needn't have bothered.

Well, it's just a little something.
You know what they say -

never turn up to
a stranger's house empty handed.

Oh, well, we're not strangers
any more, are we?

No, we're almost family.

I mean, not quite, but sort of family.

Aye. Well, eh, come on through
and sit down, eh? Thank you.

Thank you.

This is lovely. Oh, thanks.

So you, uh,
you drove up yesterday, did you?

We did, Eric, yes, lovely drive up.
Oh, well, that's good.

Stayed at ours last night,
me and Ian slept on the settee.

I mean, actually slept, not...

First time in Scotland?

It is, yes. It is, yes.
Really? It is, yes.

I don't know we'd never been
up before, but...

Because we always go to France for
our holidays. I supposes, yes.

Bonjour, Madame. Oh!

Bonjour, Gordon.

Gordon practically spent his whole
childhood on the beaches
of Normandy, Eric.

Mine was a bit of a w*r zone too.

Oh, well, I'll, uh, I'll tell you,

if you like beaches,
there's some terrific ones up north.

Oh, yeah.
Oh, it's funny that.

You don't associate Scotland
with beaches, do you?

No, more sort of rain and...

Mountains. Yeah, mountains.
Rain and mountains and...

Smoked salmon.

They're going up north for a few
days, aren't you?

Yeah, we thought we'd drive up
to Skye. Oh, lovely.

Skye is beautiful. We went whale
watching there once, remember, Beth?

Mm-hmm. Oh. Did you see any?

Well, I think so, aye. Beth
thought it was an old tyre, so...

Is it Yorkshire you stay?
It is, yes.

Just outside Skipton, Beth.

Oh, is that where you're from?

I am. I've lived there all my life.

Yorkshire lass born and bred.

You know, if ever we go anywhere,
and anyone says, "Where are you

"from?" I always say England, but
she's like, "Yorkshire, Graham!"

That's like us when we go up abroad.

We always say we're from Scotland,
don't we, Beth?

And if somebody says,
"Are you British?"

we always say, "Scottish,"
don't we, Beth? Yes, Eric.

Aye, don't start all that, Dad.

DOORBELL RINGS

I'll get it.

Oh, it's you.

Did I just see Ian
and Gordon with a man and a woman?

Yes.

Who, are they?
They're Gordon's mum and dad.

Oh, I see.

Is there trouble?

No, there's no trouble, Christine,
they're just up visiting.

Oh, that's nice.

Are they from England?

Yes, they're from England.

Whereabouts? Yorkshire.
Yorkshire.

I sometimes buy Yorkshire teabags.

Do you?

I wonder what they would make of that.

And is it quite a close-knit
neighbourhood or do people

tend to keep themselves to themselves?

Well, they're...
Hello, there. Hello.

Oh, God.

Sorry to intrude, I just came in
to have a word with Beth,

but he insisted on dragging
me in here to meet you.

I'm Christine.
Sandra, I'm Gordon's mum.

Oh, how do you do, Sandra?
I live next door.

Uh, Graham.
Good to meet you.

I expect Gordon's told you
all about me, huh?

Um... He's a good pal.

Oh, we sat next to each other at
Christmas dinner, didn't we, Gordon?

We did.
Mm-hmm.

Good steady hand on him when
he was dishing up my carrots -

slippery wee bastards
when they're buttered,

you know what I'm saying, Sandra?

Come on, budge up, there we go.

Oh, ah.

That's better, eh? Oh.

So, is there trouble?

Sorry?

Well, I thought maybe he'd caught
something from him, you know.

Is it lice? Here, Beth, you better
get those beds stripped ASAP.

Christine, they're just up for a visit.

So, Yorkshire, eh?

Yes.
I must say, I like your tea.

You must be very proud.

Uh, they've never been in Scotland
before, Christine, have you?

Nope. Have you not?
Never.

It seems lovely so far,
though, I must say.

No matter where you go in Scotland,
you can be guaranteed

a warm welcome and a big dose
of Scottish hospitality,

even if you are English.

They're going to do a bit of
touring about while they're here,

aren't you? Mm, got an old
Triumph we drove up in.

Can't wait to get it on
to the country roads.

Oh, I saw that, that's beautiful.
What is it, is it a Stag, is it?

Eric, don't get him started on it.

It's my pride and joy, that is.

So, where are you off to then?

Well, a few places.
We'd quite like to see Edinburgh.

Oh, lovely. Used to be bad for
the junkies, though, Sandra,

but on the other hand,
they've got a good castle.

And we read something
about the Glenfinnan Viaduct.

Where's that? Oh, they filmed
some of Harry Potter up there.

Oh, f*cking kids running aboot in capes.

But we're definitely,
definitely going to Skye.

Oh, now, Skye, that is
absolutely beautiful.

That's what everyone says, yes.

? Speed bonnie boat,
like a bird on the wing

? Over the sea to Skye. ?

Course, they've got that bridge,
noo, so that's that f*cked, intit?

So, who'd like a cup of tea?

Oh, lovely. Thank you.

Right, uh, coffee or tea, Graham?

Uh, coffee please, Beth.
Sandra?

Uh, do you have any
herbal tea by any chance?

Oh, I don't think I do actually.

Oh, a glass of water would be just fine.

Eh, no, no, no, I might have something.

Did we not have peppermint tea
when you had that upset stomach?

Do you like chamomile tea, Sandra?

Yeah, I do, yeah.

Well, I had that at Costa's once
but, see after half an hour,

I had terrible wind.
Oh.

Oh, we chucked those,
I don't think we've got anything.

We had sachets of something.

Oh, the ones
we lifted at the Travelodge?

Yes, yes, what happened to them?
No, we threw them out as well.

Honestly, a glass of water's just fine.

I tell you what I don't mind -
Earl Grey.

Who was Earl Grey?
Is he from Yorkshire, Graham?

Listen, I'll go and get some.

No, no, don't. No, no, please.

It's fine, I'll pop to the shop,
it's only five minutes up the road.

Are you sure?
Yeah. I'll come with you.

So, any other h*m* in your
family, Sandra, or is it just him?

Oh, I'm quite glad to get out for
five minutes, to be honest with you.

I think it's been OK, actually.

Ah, it's not too bad to be fair,
as long as my mum doesn't start

telling stories about me
when I was at school.

Oh, I'd like to hear about that.

Look, I was gay and I went to
a comprehensive in the west

of Scotland, let's leave it at that.

Well, they seem to be getting on OK,
that's the main thing.

All we need is Christine to
bugger off and we'll be fine.

Oh, well, she's not that bad,

I mean, at least she keeps
the conversation going.

North Wales, that's
where my daughter stays, Sandra.

Oh, right.

Say what you like about Scotland,
but that is a sh*thole,

an actual sh*thole.

Graham's originally
from Wales, actually.

I like Tom Jones.

Christine's daughter's
the same age as Ian.

Oh. Were they friendly growing up
together, were they?

Oh, yes.
But I always knew that Ian was gay.

He never showed any
interest in my Sophie,

despite the fact that she was
actually quite masculine.

Um, Sandra, so, do you work?

I do, yes, actually,
um, part-time, really.

I'm a classroom assistant,
so it's mainly supply work.

Oh.
What is a classroom assistant?

Is it just like mopping up
after wee tiddlers?

No!
There's a bit more to it than that.

It's learning support, really.

Oh, I see. Keeping an eye on
the slower ones, that's good.

My Sophie went to
a Roman Catholic school here.

Oh, yes, that's right, you have
different schools for whatever
side you're on up here.

Ah, no, no,
no-one cares about that any more.

Aye, things have moved on,

nobody bothers about what religion
anybody is. Aye, that's true.

You're no' a protestant,
though, are you, Sandra?

You all right, boys?

Hi, Colin.
Whose car is it?

It's me dad's.

Your dad's? He in seeing
your mum and dad then, is he?

Yeah.
There's no trouble, is there?

No, no, um,
my parents are just up visiting,

enjoying a bit of the famous
Scottish hospitality.

Oh, very good.

Cath!
What?

Beth's doing drinks
for Gordon's mum and dad.

Oh, coming.

One thing you'll have to try
while you're here is the seafood.

Oh, I like seafood.

Well, you're in the right place,
Sandra, especially up north.

Oh, see the scallops,
fresh langoustines, mussels,

I mean, that is renowned
all over the world.

I'll tell you what else is -
the full Scottish breakfast.

Really?
Oh, yes.

You'll have to add that to your list
of things to try while you're here.

Is it very different to a full English?

Night and day, Sandra.

Night and day.

In what way? Well, with your full
English, do you get bacon?

Yes. Eggs?
Yes, choice of poached, fried...

I know how to cook an egg, son.

Black pudding.

No, no, not always.

Hmm, see, there you are,

your full Scottish breakfast
consisting of your egg, your bacon,

your sausage, tomato, mushroom,
potato scone, black pudding, toast -

buttered right out to the edge with
your good Lurpak - choice of tea

or coffee... That, Sandra, that'll
put you on your f*cking back.

Look who we found.

Oh, did you get the teabags?
Hi, everyone.

Hi, Beth.
Hello, hello.

You must be Gordon's mum and dad.

Yeah.
Welcome.

A warm welcome to you, to Beth's house.

Hello. Hello. I'm Cathy, and this
is my husband, Colin.

How you doing?
How do you do? I'm Graham.

Pleased to meet you, Graham.

Uh, my wife, Sandra.
Oh, hi, Sandra, honey.

Graham and Sandra, Cathy and Colin.

Eric and Beth, Ian and Gordon.

Christine.

Can I give you a hand with anything,
Mrs Baird?

No, no, the kettle's boiled and I'll
just go and bring the stuff through.

Yous up from England, are you?

Yorkshire. Yorkshire?
Where is Yorkshire?

It's, uh, over to the
left of Manchester,

where we fly to Dubai from.

Oh.

I was just telling them
that I buy their teabags.

Well, I do when they're reduced.

Cathy and Colin live two doors down.
Ah.

Oh, but we've extended our house.

Aye, so it's a real
step up from this place.

I can see the similarity between
you and your dad, Gordon.

Can you?
Uh-huh, but you don't look gay.

You managing all right there, Beth?

Just about.
That's good.

So, what brings you up to Scotland then?

Uh, we really came to see Gordon.

And to meet Ian.

I thought he'd maybe given him
an infection or something.

There's your herbal tea, Sandra.
Thank you.

Sandra, Sandra, what do you think?

Uh, about what?
About Ian.

He's very nice.

Uh, tell us what you really think.
No, honestly, he's lovely.

How's your herbal tea?
It's... Give him a mark out of .

Um... Six.

Six and a half.

How long are you up for?
Oh, just a few days.

They're going to do some
sightseeing too while they're here.

Oh, brilliant, because there's loads
to do and see, isn't there, Cath?

Is there? Aye, well,
there's...there's good shops.

Oh, yes, a good big Morrison's just
opened up the road there.

I've got the code for
their toilets, Sandra.

You could do a bit of hill walking.

I mean, Scottish scenery's
some of the best in the world.

Oh, aye. Don't do that, Sandra,
you'll get pissed on.

I know where you should go,
you should go up to Loch Lomond.

Oh, yes, now that is a must-see.

It's not, Sandra.

? You take the high road
and I'll tak' the low road

JOINING IN: ? And I'll be in
Scotland afore ye. ?

Shh, shh, shh.

Did you ever watch
Take The High Road, Sandra?

Take The High Road?

It was like our version
of Emmerdale Farm, except good.

Oh, vaguely. Taggart as well,
did you ever watch that?

Oh, I liked Taggart.

So did he. Dad, you liked Taggart.
Yeah, it was all right.

Oh, we saw it being filmed one
time in Glasgow, Sandra,

didn't we, Colin? Aye, aye, the wee
prost*tute and the meat hook.

Uh-hah, and there was this whole
pile of syringes in a bloody

hanky lying next to a bin.

No, that...
That wasnae part of it, Cath.

TAGGART IMPRESSION:
There's been a m*rder.

There's been a m*rder.

Graham, you do it. No.

Come on, let's hear
your Scottish accent.

No. Come on. No.

Do it. No! Just do it!

BAD SCOTTISH ACCENT:
There's been a m*rder!

Right, here we are, nothing fancy,
I'm afraid, but dig in.

Oh, thank you, Beth, that's lovely,
thank you very much.

Eh, Beth, could you give...

Oh.

Look at that.

The good deli stuff.

None of her rubbery
Tesco shite the day, eh.

Right, well, there's, um,
tuna and cheese and tomato,

just help yourselves.

Mr Baird?
Oh, no, no, no, you take.

No, I insist.
Oh, he's a good lad, isn't he?

And good manners, eh?
The good upbringing shining through.

Did you smack him, Sandra, aye?

Was he actually from Yorkshire?

Yeah, yeah, he was.
Oh, right.

You see, I didn't know if he just
maybe drove in and out to do

the murders, but wasn't
actually from Yorkshire himself.

Oh, no, he was.
Well, you...

Certainly put you on the
map for a wee while, eh?

Gordon and me get on really well,
don't, we Gordon? Oh, yes.

Oh, they're such a good wee match.

They are, aren't they?

Hmm, I did like Jaz, though.

Who's Jaz?
Oh, he was the one before him.

He was so sweet,
he had such nice teeth and he was...

He was quite well hung too,
you said, Ian.

Well, I must say, Beth, that was lovely.

You really have looked after us
well today.

Oh, well, I can give you the rest
to take away with you

if you want for the drive up?

No, no, no, we're...we're fine.

Are you sure, Sandra?

See, I always like to take a
wee something with me

if I'm going on a long journey -
a sandwich, wee carton of juice,

carrier bag in case any of it
comes back up, you know.

Have you seen Graham's car, Colin?

Is that it outside?

It is, yeah.
Well, that's a beauty, I saw that.

It's a Stag. Shh.
Gordon, let the men talk.

Would you like to have a look at it?

Aye. Go on.

Eric? Oh, why not?

Cath, you want to look at it?
Is it second hand?

Well, yeah.
Nah.

Oh.

Eh? Oh, yes!

Oh, aye.

It's a beauty, Eric, eh?

Thank you very much.
And does the roof go back, does it?

Yeah, do you want to see it?
Aye. Aye, go on.

Back.

Oh, it's immaculate.

Leather seats, hey?
Yeah.

Is it actual stag leather?

No.

It's just stunning.

Are you into your cars, Eric?

Oh, no, no, no, nothing fancy for me.

I don't know, Eric, another few
years and that Vectra will be
classed as a vintage.

Oh, ha-ha!
Oh, wow.

Here, do you mind if I have a wee seat?

Oh, be my guest.

Oh.

They seem to be doing all right,
the lads, don't they?

Aye. Aye, they seem happy enough.

He's a nice boy, your Gordon.

Thanks, Eric. He seems to have
settled in quite well.

Uh, well, if he can cope
with that lot in there,

he can cope with anything.

It's really nice to meet you properly.

You should come down to us some
time. Oh, well, we might just do
that.

Ah, yes, brrmmm.

Can I give you a hand with anything,
Beth?

Ah, no, no, you're fine.

It was nice to get a chance
to meet your neighbours.

Yes, they drop in quite often.

Oh, that's nice for you.

Yes.

I just wanted to say, Beth,
thanks for making Gordon feel

so welcome up in Scotland.

Oh, not at all, Sandra.

You really made him feel at home.

Well, we've done it with all
Ian's boyfriends...

Not that there's been a succession.

They make quite a nice couple,
don't they? They do.

Who knows, maybe this might be
the first of many trips up here.

Oh, well, listen,
you'd be welcome any time.

Well, we'll definitely take you
up on that, Beth.

CHRISTINE: Beth!
Any chance of another sandwich?

Or you could visit us, if you prefer.

So, are you going to take them out
on the gay scene while they're up?

Uh, no, I don't think so.

We don't actually go out to gay
clubs much, do we? Hardly ever.

Sometimes I wish I was gay
so I could just go out all the time

and drink as much as I want and wear
all the fancy designer clothes.

You do that anyway.

Hmm. Very good, Ian,
you cheeky little sh*t.

They all right with you being gay,
are they, Gordon?

My mum and dad? Yeah.

They're cool with it.

Hmm, changed days, hey.
Nobody really bothers nowadays.

Can I ask you something else,
Gordon? Yes.

Does it hurt?

Ah, here we are, what've we missed?

Oh, not much, we were just, uh...

Uh, just talking about other
things you might do

while you're in Scotland.

Actually, Colin was just
saying we should try

and do a tour of one of the whisky
distilleries while we're up.

Good idea.
That sounds like fun.

Oh, it is, Sandra, but take
your own Coke, though,

cos they don't give you mixers.

I've never been to one.

Been to a woollen mill.

A farm.

Oh, I've been to Legoland.

Have you been to Legoland, Sandra?

Um, no.

Well, I have.

I saw a bumblebee that was over
seven feet tall.

I mean, we can't come all
the way to Scotland

and not try a bit of whisky -
it's the national drink, after all.

Oh, that and Buckfast.

Has Eric no' offered you a wee dram?

Uh, no, no, no, honestly,
we're fine. I'm driving anyway.

Yeah, but she's not,
she can get shitfaced.

No, no, we're fine with tea.
Tea.

I mean, tea and sandwiches -
you're not in Yorkshire now, hen,

this is Scotland.

Beth, you're letting your country down.

Get a bottle open!

Ah, f...
Yes!

I'm not very good with spirits.

We'll get you some wine as well, honey.

Beth, wine!

Are you boys having one?

Uh, well...
Oh, go on, Gordon.

He's quite boring for a gay,
isn't he, Sandra?

OK, then.

Well done, boys.

Graham, just take one and I'll drink it.

Aye, whisky, whisky, whisky,
whisky, whisky, whi...

Sandra, just try a wee one
and if you feel sick,

Beth'll get you a basin.
Come on, Eric, give us a toast.

That's a good idea.
Give us a wee toast, Eric.

Eh?
Yeah, go on, Eric.

I... Oh, well, all right, I mean,
uh, has everybody got?

Yes.

Right, well, uh,
here's to Graham and Sandra.

To their first visit to Scotland, I
hope we've given you a warm welcome.

And, well, haste ye back.

Graham and Sandra.

ALL: Graham and Sandra.

Now, has everyone had enough to eat?

Actually, could I get...

Sit down, Beth, you've been
running after us all day.

Hmm.
You a fan of the football, Graham?

Yes, yes, I am, not been to
a match in years, though.

Colin's been abroad to watch
Scotland play, haven't you, Col?

Oh, aye, I've been to, what,

I've been to Sweden, I've been to
Poland, been to Latvia,

I've been to France, I've been to
Germany, been to Italy, I've go...

I've been to Denmark twice.

My goodness, you are dedicated.

Aye, and I'll keep going
until I see them win.

It's the Tartan Army, Graham,

they're like ambassadors
for Scotland. Are they?

Oh, aye, we're famous
all over the world.

And, you know, there's never
any trouble when we're around.

Aye, cos they're all too
pissed to do anything.

They don't tend to fare so well,
do they, Scotland, in the football?

Aye, well, we have our struggles,
Sandra, you know, but there's lots

of other sports where Scotland leads
the world. Yeah?

Oh, aye, well,
there's...there's Andy Murray.

Come on, Andy.
Definitely. And, er...

Hmm...

And there was, erm...

Well, there's Andy Murray and...

And there's, eh...

Erm...

Was there no' a snooker
player at one point?

Aye, there you go,
aye, there was Andy Murray, uh,

a snooker player, and, erm...

Aandand, um...

..Jocky Wilson.
Oh, aye. Oh, I liked him.

Jocky Wilson. So, there you go,
Sandra, see, tons.

You do wonder sometimes why
they don't put England, Scotland

and Wales together in the football

and then they might do better
in the likes of the World Cup.

Oh, that's a good idea.

No, no, no, no, no.

You cannae dae that.
Why not?

Scotland's a separate country.

Well, I suppose.

You're saying that now.
Eh? Eric!

Well, that's not what you said
when we had the referendum.

Oh, God. Nobody's interested
in all that sh*t.

Sandra, are you ready for that wine?

You were for it, were you, Eric?
Oh, aye, I was "yes" all the way.

So was I.

Well, I was "no" at the beginning,
just out of habit, but then

I changed my mind. It was that wee
Sturgeon. Do you like her, Sandra?

Um... Oh, they've smartened
her up now as well.

They've got her in the high heels
and hair brushed doon at the front.

Aye, they all get that now,
don't they, media makeover?

Christ, I wouldn't have
liked to have seen

Boris Johnson before he got his.

I take it you weren't for it,
were you, Colin, independence?

Absolutely not.
It was too much of a risk.

I mean, they hadn't thought
everything through.

I mean, there was major questions
they just never addressed like...

Would we still be able to get
flights from Manchester?

What? There's more to it
than that, Cathy.

Oh, you're right there is.

Uh, no, I really don't think
now's the time to discuss this.

How did you vote, Beth?
Sorry?

Were you a yes or a no?

Oh, well...

I voted yes.

What?! I voted yes.

But you never told me that.
Well, you never asked.

You voted against me?

She voted against me, Colin.

You see what it did? It turned
friends against each other.

Aye, Pat over the back,

she had a big "No, thanks"
poster in her window.

But it was mainly aimed at the folk
that do the junk mail.

Well, I think
we're needing another referendum.

Oh, here we go!

Oh, no, we can't go through that again.

No, no more leaflets.

My letterbox was hanging aff its
f*cking hinges by the end of it.

We're needing another one
to decide it once and for all.

The last one was meant to decide
it once and for all!

You can't have another one just
cause you don't like the result.

It's not a...
It's not like...

A boob job.

The decision is made, Eric,
the people voted, they said no,

you just cannae accept it.

I just think it'd be really sad
if Scotland left.

Yeah, so do I.

Oh, do you?

Yeah. I do.
Well, I don't.

In fact, I think it would be great
if we went our own way.

Well, said, son.
I was just saying.

Maybe we should just stay out of it,
Gordon.

Yeah, Gordon, keep that out.
Steady on. Quiet, Graham.

See what I'm saying? It's turned
people against each other.

Oh, don't talk such bloody rubbish.

Oh, shut up, Eric, stupid bastard.

Cathy!
It's not him that's stupid.

You think it's all about what
airports you'll be able to go to.

Oh, piss off!

Yeah, f*ck you and your
boring English boyfriend!

Cathy, you've overstepped the mark now.

I've overstepped the mark?

Every single time
she comes round here, she...

This is the level of debate
we've come down to, is it?

What are you talking about, Eric?
I've had it up to here...

THEY ALL ARGUE AT ONCE

You've had too much to drink.
I don't care.

ARGUING CONTINUES

You can't just keep on banging on...

Scottish hospitality, eh?
Hmm.

Where's the car?

Christ!

? This land was made for you and me

? This land is your land,
this land is my land

? From California to the New York island

? From the redwood forest
to the Gulf Stream waters

? This land was made
for you and me. ?